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HIT THE DECK RUNNING ON DAY ONE

An easier way to plan ahead.

There's so much to experience on a Royal Caribbean International cruise and we want to make sure you make the most of your time with us. Cruise Planner is available to help you pre-plan your vacation right after you've booked your cruise. Now you can plan ahead and reserve shore excursions, book specialty dining, schedule spa treatments and more on your tablet or computer from the comfort of your home.

Board your cruise relaxed and worry free.

MAKE THE MOST OF YOUR VACATION WITH YOUR CALENDAR

Now you and your party can customize your vacation together using the Cruise Planner calendar. Your calendar is automatically populated as you reserve. Each day of your trip is listed and broken down by location, date, arrival and departure times and what has been reserved by guest. It's a snapshot view of what your vacation looks like, reserved in advance the way you want it.

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The world is yours to explore.

Make the most of it by reserving shore excursions at every port in your itinerary. There's an excursion for everyone, from adventure seekers to foodies, history buffs to animal lovers. This is your chance to get to the heart of the most exciting destinations of the world.

Do it with a one-of-a-kind adventure you'll never forget

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Reserve your table at any of our specialty restaurants, from our signature steakhouse Chops Grille to the imaginative curiosities of Wonderland Imaginative Cuisine. Enjoy additional savings of up to 40% off when you purchase one of our Specialty Dining Packages.

Plus, enjoy the convenience of selecting a dinner time that fits your schedule with My Time Dining.

Restaurants vary by ship.

Quench your thirst onboard with a beverage package that gets you the best value on your favorite drinks, from Coca-Cola® to fine wine, premium and frozen cocktails to a full selection of beers, fruit juices to Evian® water.

Start your vacation with a beverage in your hand from the moment you get onboard.

Stay connected while onboard with VOOM - the fastest internet at sea. Share your adventure and upload content to Facebook and Instagram, post videos to YouTube, tweet on Twitter, and have face‑to‑face conversations via Google Hangouts and Skype. Plus, you can even stream movies, games and apps via your personal accounts with DIRECTV, Netflix, Hulu and more. VOOM makes staying in the loop easy and affordable.

Stay connected and go full stream ahead with VOOM.

Relive the memories from your vacation with professional photos of your favorite moments onboard. Our photographers capture the joy of your adventure — from embarkation to formal night — and all the fun in between. Plus you’ll enjoy savings of up to 20% when you purchase a print or digital package before you sail.

At the Vitality SM Spa, relaxation and rejuvenation rule. Indulge with a variety of treatments that will leave you feeling like new. Pamper yourself with invigorating massage therapies, body wraps and facials. Give yourself the gift of youth with medi-spa treatments such as BOTOX® and Dysport®.

Glam up for formal night with a new hairdo and a mani-pedi. With treatments for everyone from couples, teens and men, you're bound to find at least one amazing indulgence at our spa.

The gorgeous view isn't the only thing that will dazzle you onboard our innovative cruise ships. Our complimentary shows are sure to entertain you from beginning to end.

Sit back and enjoy a variety of incredible productions, including award-winning musicals from Broadway and the West End, original Vegas-style productions, live comedy acts, and aquatic and ice shows.

Only one cruise line offers the thrilling opportunity to learn to surf, to feel the rush of skydiving right on the deck of the ship with Ripcord by iFly or to go on a behind-the-scenes ship tour.

Reserve these signature activities and more in Cruise Planner.

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Symphony of the Seas

The 6,680-passenger, 2,200-crew-member Symphony of the Seas set sail in 2018 and features 18 decks packed with activities.

For heart-pounding fun, travelers will find a surf simulator, an indoor ice skating rink, two 40-foot rock walls, a zip line and a 10-story slide. Meanwhile, relaxation seekers can unwind in the spa, sip cocktails made by robotic bartenders or stroll through the Central Park -inspired neighborhood.

Onboard snacks and meals are served at 20 quick-service and sit-down eateries. The Main Dining Room is where the ship's traditional, complimentary dinners are provided nightly, but specialty options like a steakhouse, a bistro and a Johnny Rockets outpost are also available. What's more, cruisers can dine at Jamie's Italian, a restaurant helmed by celebrity chef Jamie Oliver.

After filling up on gourmet fare, passengers can retreat to their cabins, all of which include work desks, flat-screen TVs and minibars. Guests can choose from 149-square-foot Interior Staterooms, some of which have virtual balconies with real-time views of the ocean, or opt for upgraded cabins with furnished balconies and up to 1,524 square feet of space. Select suites also feature two bedrooms, whirlpool tubs and dining rooms.

Symphony of the Seas departs from Cape Liberty, New Jersey, Miami , Fort Lauderdale, Rome and Barcelona for sailings throughout the Caribbean and Europe.

U.S. News Insider Tip: If you’re on one of the 19 Royal Caribbean ships that have a FlowRider, like Symphony of the Seas (which has two!), reserve a private lesson with a pro. For a small fee, you'll save yourself some embarrassment and get more ride time. – Skye Sherman, Contributor

Odyssey of the Seas

Launched in July 2021, the Odyssey of the Seas holds 5,498 passengers and 1,550 crew members. Royal Caribbean's latest ship is the first Quantum Ultra Class vessel to sail in the United States. As a member of this class, Odyssey of the Seas offers standout amenities like RipCord by iFLY, billed as the only skydiving simulator available at sea, and the FlowRider, a 40-foot-long surf simulator. There is also the North Star observation capsule, which hoists guests 300 feet above sea level over the cruise ship to enjoy unparalleled views below. 

In addition to these thrilling activities, the ship comes equipped with standard facilities like pools, an arcade, a spa, a fitness center with classes, kids clubs and shopping venues. There are also 15 dining options, ranging from Japanese fare to all-you-can-eat buffets to Starbucks. For drinks, the ship offers nine bars and lounges, giving passengers plenty of places to enjoy libations. Entertainment options include theatrical performances, live music, a casino, outdoor movie nights and more. 

As far as cabins go, cruisers can choose between Interior, Ocean View, and Balcony staterooms, as well as suite accommodations and new Virtual Balcony rooms. These technologically advanced cabins feature floor-to-ceiling displays that project real-time views of the sights and sounds from the outside of the ship. 

Odyssey of the Seas sails to ports in Europe, as well as to various destinations in the Caribbean from Fort Lauderdale, Florida and Cape Liberty, New Jersey.

Wonder of the Seas

Wonder of the Seas, which embarked on its maiden voyage in March 2022, holds 7,084 passengers and 2,204 crew members. The ship measures 1,188 feet long and 215 feet wide, and it weighs 235,600 gross tons. It surpasses its sister ship, Symphony of the Seas , as one of the largest cruise ships in the world.  

Guests can enjoy plenty of thrill activities on board, such as the Ultimate Abyss – a 10-story dark tunnel slide – or the 40-foot-long FlowRider surf stimulator. The ship also offers a fitness center, shopping venues, rock climbing, a carousel and clubs for kids and teens. When it's time to dine, cruisers have the option of 21 dining venues ranging from Italian fare to Southern cuisine. Travelers can also indulge in a few cocktails at 14 bars and lounges.

Accommodations include Interior, Ocean View, Balcony and Suite staterooms. If you're looking for something more spacious, check out the ship's all-new Suite Neighborhood. Located on the upper decks, these suites offer guests ample private quarters to recharge during the cruise. Amenities included in the exclusive suites include priority boarding, a members-only dining facility and a dedicated check-in line. For families, the new neighborhood may be of particular interest because it features the Ultimate Family Suite. The family suite offers two floors of space with stunning ocean views, in-suite movies and video games and a kids slide between the floors.  

Wonder of the Seas sails from Orlando , Florida, to ports in the Caribbean.

Allure of the Seas

The 6,826-passenger Allure of the Seas, unveiled in 2010, is among the largest cruise ships in the world. There are a whopping 2,054 crew members on board to cater to passengers' needs. Along with signature line amenities like rock climbing walls and ice skating rinks, the ship houses seven unique neighborhoods with a variety of activities, shows and dining options. The ship underwent a $165 million refurbishment in 2020, which added approximately 50 new staterooms, the Ultimate Abyss (the tallest slide at sea), redesigned kids and teens spaces, new dining venues and more.

Other standout features include a zip line that descends 10 decks, two surf simulators and a science lab. Plus, with 19 dining options – and a Starbucks at sea – every member of the family will be satisfied.

In terms of lodging, about 65% of cabins feature balconies, and all staterooms are appointed with TVs and minifridges. Interior staterooms are the most economical option, but those who splurge on Suites are granted larger balconies and concierge service. Crowd-free areas might be difficult to find due to the outrageous capacity of the ship, but some recent cruisers praise the nonstop activity and entertainment. 

Allure of the Seas departs from Miami, Orlando, Florida, and Galveston , Texas, for sailings in the Caribbean.

Harmony of the Seas

Welcoming up to 6,687 passengers and 2,200 crew members, Harmony of the Seas is one of the largest cruise ships in the world. Launched in 2016 and tuned up in 2021, the ship features Royal Caribbean staples like surf simulators and rock climbing walls, as well as innovative amenities like the Ultimate Abyss (a 10-story slide) and three multistory waterslides. Plus, while younger passengers play in the arcade or at age-appropriate clubs, adults can relax at the spa or sip cocktails at multiple bars and lounges.

After working up an appetite, guests can choose from 20 dining options. Past cruisers especially praised the multitude of specialty restaurants, which range from Mexican to Japanese fare and require reservations and an additional fee.

When it comes to lodging, Harmony of the Seas offers a wide variety of cabin categories, with more than 70% of cabins featuring balconies. While Interior staterooms are the most economical choice, those looking for a little more space and luxury should consider upgrading to a Suite, which range from Junior Suites to four-bedroom Villa Suites. While all cabins offer flat-screen TVs and minibars, suites include access to a private restaurant, lounge and sun deck.

Harmony of the Seas sails from Miami and Galveston, Texas , to destinations throughout the Caribbean.

Mariner of the Seas

Introduced in 2003 and overhauled in mid-2018, Mariner of the Seas features passenger favorites like the Escape Room, the Izumi Japanese restaurant and a surf simulator. During the ship's refurbishment, Royal Caribbean also added 100 new staterooms, updated cabins and public spaces and added fan-favorite restaurant Jamie's Italian by chef Jamie Oliver.

Though the 4,000-passenger ship features a 1-to-3 crew-to-passenger ratio, recent cruisers said the vessel still maintains a high level of customer service. When it comes to dining, the ship offers 11 venues, including a multilevel main dining room. The ship's 10 bars and lounges and onboard entertainment, which includes Broadway-style shows, earn a consistent nod of approval from past cruisers. Kids have plenty of age-appropriate entertainment, too, including youth programs and teen lounges. Mariner of the Seas touts three pools and six whirlpools. These areas of the ship attract a high concentration of children.

Past travelers were generally complimentary of the staterooms. Similar to its sister ships, Mariner of the Seas offers four stateroom categories: Interior, Ocean View, Balcony and Suite. All staterooms include flat-screen TVs and Wi-Fi accessibility. 

Mariner of the Seas departs from  Orlando , Florida, and Galveston, Texas, for sailings in the Caribbean, Bermuda and the  Bahamas .

Adventure of the Seas

Adventure of the Seas (first launched in 2001) underwent an extensive renovation in January 2018. It boasts modern amenities like an outdoor movie screen and Wi-Fi (for an extra fee). Other highlights include an ice skating rink, a surf simulator and a rock climbing wall. 

There are seven dining venues across the ship, the newest of which is the Izumi Japanese specialty restaurant. While adults can relax at the ship's nine bars and lounges, youngsters can mix and mingle at age-appropriate youth clubs and a teens-only disco. Among other onboard amenities, Adventure of the Seas features an abundance of pools and whirlpools, including an indoor/outdoor pool and lounge area exclusive to adults called the Solarium.

When it comes to lodging, recent cruisers found staterooms to be comfortable and spacious. Cabins come in four categories – Interior, Ocean View, Balcony and Suite – and about 60% offer ocean views. The ship's 2018 revamp brought with it new Interior and Ocean View staterooms, as well as a new Suite Lounge. While it may be difficult to find quiet spaces on the 3,807-passenger ship, recent guests were still complimentary of the service on board and the 1-to-3 crew-to-guest ratio. 

Adventure of the Seas sails to various destinations in the Caribbean from Fort Lauderdale , Florida and Orlando , Florida. The ship also completes transatlantic voyages.

Oasis of the Seas

The 6,771-passenger Oasis of the Seas saw an extensive refurbishment in late 2019, unveiling the line's first dedicated karaoke venue, a live music space with a large dance floor, brand-new dining options (including a barbecue restaurant), three waterslides, new bars and more. 

While this ship is not for those seeking secluded spaces, most cruisers say the seven distinct onboard neighborhoods make up for that. The behemoth ship features designer boutiques and larger staterooms than other ships in the fleet.

Like other Royal Caribbean vessels, Oasis of the Seas offers four cabin categories: Interior, Ocean View, Balcony and Suite. Interior rooms average about 150 square feet, while Suite category cabins can span anywhere from 287 to 1,524 square feet and include added amenities like Jacuzzis and expansive balconies.

While recent cruisers were impressed with the ship's abundant amenities, they noted that with 2,109 crew members, there aren't many tailored onboard experiences – especially when the ship is filled to capacity. Oasis of the Seas caters to those looking for nonstop onboard action.

Oasis of the Seas sails from Miami , Fort Lauderdale, Florida, Barcelona and Rome to destinations in the Bahamas , the Caribbean, Europe and the Mediterranean. The ship also offers transatlantic voyages.

U.S. News Insider Tip: On Oasis-class ships, stop at Vitality Café for protein shakes and fresh juices. – Skye Sherman, Contributor

Ovation of the Seas

The 4,905-passenger, 1,500-crew-member Ovation of the Seas features a skydiving simulator, an observation pod that hovers 300 feet above the sea and a bionic bar where robots mix cocktails. Other highlights include a rock climbing wall, a surf simulator, an outdoor movie screen and upscale boutiques like Cartier.

After working up an appetite, passengers can take their pick of 16 eateries, including six signature restaurants that require reservations and an additional fee. Many recent cruisers praised the cuisine, from the main dining room buffet to the Italian menu created by celebrity chef Jamie Oliver.

Travelers were also mostly complimentary of the staterooms, 75% of which boast balconies. The ship offers Interior, Ocean View, Balcony and Suite category accommodations, all of which are equipped with flat-screen TVs, safes and sitting areas. Even those staying in Interior rooms can catch a glimpse of the sea with virtual balconies that give a real-time view of the ship's location.

The most common drawback, according to cruisers? You're likely to encounter long lines and crowded common areas. Some recent travelers also felt the service was not as good as expected. 

Ovation of the Seas sets sail from Vancouver ,  Honolulu , Seattle  and  Sydney  for itineraries in Alaska, Australia, Hawaii and the South Pacific.

Vision of the Seas

Most recently updated in late 2018 (with the exception of routine maintenance in 2022), the 2,514-passenger, 742-crew-member Vision of the Seas offers Royal Caribbean staples like diverse dining venues and nonstop entertainment. Past cruisers especially praise the ship's appealing decor and the Solarium, an adults-only pool and lounge area. 

In terms of food, travelers can choose from the main dining room, the buffet and several casual eateries. Cruisers recommend springing for a meal at the ship's specialty restaurants, which range from the Chops Grille steakhouse to the Izumi Asian venue. Food in the main dining room received mixed reviews, but travelers praised the service around the ship.

When it comes to daytime activities, guests can try rock climbing, swim in the pools (which can become crowded) or play games in the casino. There are also sushi- and cupcake-making classes available.

In terms of lodging, Vision of the Seas touts four staterooms categories: Interior, Ocean View, Balcony and Suite. Interior cabins range from 136 to 252 square feet, while Suites on the opposite end of the spectrum range from 243 to 1,140 square feet. Opt for a balcony-equipped Suite and you'll enjoy cushier extras like whirlpool bathtubs. All cabins include amenities like flat-screen TVs and vanity areas. 

Vision of the Seas departs from Baltimore for itineraries in the Caribbean, New England and Canada.

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ELEVATE YOUR VACATION IN ROYAL SUITE CLASS

THE ROYAL SUITE CLASS

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LUXURY IS VIP ON EVERY LEVEL

For some, exceptional service, world class comforts and exclusive access represent ultimate luxury. And when you sail in Royal Suite Class, you’ll get all that and more —not to mention a lavish suite to come home to after a day spent discovering the best that Royal Caribbean has to offer.

This is Sea – a cruise suite to recharge between adventures and rest up before another day filled with exploration. In these spacious suites with plenty of spacious living spaces, sumptuous design and flawless attention to detail is just the start of the journey.

This is Sky — spectacular accommodations, attentive service and exclusive experiences. As Sky Class guests, you have access to a Concierge who crafts your personal adventures, from restaurant reservations to recommendations for shopping or dining at ports of call.

This is Star, the new definition of VIP. It isn’t priority access – it’s all access. And it starts with the largest and most unbelievable cruise suites at sea. Plus a Royal Genie that takes your VIP status ship-wide.

Royal Loft Suite

Royal suite, star loft suite, crown loft suite with balcony, grand suite, owner's suite.

Introducing The Royal Genie 

Your Royal Genie is the ultimate insider, crafting exclusive one-of-a-kind experiences, all designed with your interests and preferences in mind. Whether it’s front-row seats to your favorite show on a cruise ship, or an intimate gourmet adventure at Chef’s Table, your Royal Genie will make sure you have everything you want — and more than you ever imagined.

Find It on Our Oasis & Quantum Class Ships

Consistently awarded Best Ship year after year by Travel Weekly Readers, the biggest, boldest ships at sea also boast some of the best cruise activities — including Royal Suite Class. Sail on Harmony®, Allure®, Symphony®, Oasis®, Quantum®, Spectrum®, Odyssey® and Wonder of the Seas® and discover why Royal Suite Class is setting a new standard in luxury travel and premium cruise experiences.

The ship's crew is there to make sure you have the best holiday cruise. Join Santa's hardest working elves for the ultimate Christmas celebration and a surprise Christmas giveaway. Get up on deck for a festive walk in support of World Wildlife Fund's Arctic programs, presented by Coca-Cola. Unleash your creativity with DIY ornament classes.

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Why should i book a royal caribbean cruise.

If you're looking for an unforgettable vacation, Royal Caribbean cruises are a perfect choice. Royal Caribbean is one of the best cruise lines in the industry, with a successful history of providing excellent service and luxurious experiences. The Royal Caribbean cruise vacations take you to some of the world's most beautiful and fascinating destinations. They’re sure to have features to please everyone in your group.

How to find the best Royal Caribbean cruise deals?

There are many different Royal Caribbean cruise deals to choose from depending on your destination and the experiences you would most like to enjoy. These deals let you include additional features for a lower price to make your vacation even more comfortable. You can find the best deals by searching for your destinations, and filtering by your desired cruise lines. This way only the companies you wish to travel with will appear. You can also sort your results by price and length of time.

How to choose your cruise with Royal Caribbean?

If you want to book aRoyal Caribbean cruise there are plenty of amazing Royal Caribbean cruise deals available. Add your destination, cruise vacation, and number of travelers. Then you can sort your results by price, duration, and departure date. You can also filter by cruise line, cruise ship and cabin type. You’ll find different amenities to suit your vacation needs on each Royal Caribbean cruise. For example, youth programs, fitness facilities, and spa facilities.

What do I need to look out for when booking a Royal Caribbean cruise?

When booking your 2025 Royal Caribbean cruise it’s important to consider a few practical tips. Check what the cost covers, and what you may need to budget for or need insurance for. Think about any amenities or onboard service you’ll require, depending on the length of the Royal Caribbean cruise. For example, youth programs, entertainment, fitness facilities, spa facilities, and room service. Secondly, research the weather conditions for your journey and destination. In some locations, summer and winter weather can vary a lot. Another tip is to go over the ship layout to see where you’d like to pick a cabin. Don’t forget to check visa requirements and any flight logistics.

When is the best time to book a Royal Caribbean cruise?

You can book a Royal Caribbean cruise as early as you like depending on availability. There’s a higher chance of finding cheaper Royal Caribbean cruise prices by booking between 6 months to 12 months in advance. But there are also lots of last-minute cruise deals closer to your preferred departure date, but this will depend on your flexibility.

Are last minute deals available with Royal Caribbean?

Yes, you can find last-minute Royal Caribbean cruises on Expedia. Add your travel dates to the cruise finder and sort your results to find the best price available. Cruise deal discounts are indicated by a green box above the Royal Caribbean cruise price.

How do I book a cruise with Royal Caribbean?

To book a Royal Caribbean cruise on Expedia select your Royal Caribbean destination and filter by cruise line. You can also browse our extensive selection of pre-selected cruise deals and find the perfect cruise for you. Once you have found the one you want, choose your dates and the port of departure. You can also refine your search by cabin experiences, or cruise ship. Each ship will have amenities to suit your needs including room service, spa facilities, and fitness facilities.

Is Royal Caribbean great value for money?

Royal Caribbean cruises are excellent value for money if you're looking for an enjoyable and relaxing cruise vacations. A Royal Caribbean cruise offers a high standard of service, a great selection of dining, modern amenities, friendly staff, and exciting activities. The exceptional quality of the experience is worth the price.

Can I cancel a Royal Caribbean cruise booking?

Yes, you can cancel your Royal Caribbean cruise. We all have unfortunate circumstances where we need to cancel a booking, so Expedia makes it easy to do so. All you have to do is head to your My Trips page on Expedia and click on the cancellation button. Another option is to contact customer service, where you’ll receive help with cancelling. Do make sure that you’re aware of the refund policy that applied to your booking, to see if you’re entitled to a full refund.

Royal Caribbean Cruise Guide

In the last 10 years, Royal has delivered the biggest and most modern ships in the market. From rock-climbing walls, crazy water slides and infinite food selection, Royal Caribbean continues to deliver a vacation of a lifetime.

Stemming from the idea that everybody should cruise, Royal offers cruise activities such as the Flowrider – Surf simulator and Zip-lining for active vacationers, as well as the adults-only Solarium for those who simply want to relax and unwind.

In 2019, Royal Caribbean revamped their private Island, presenting “Perfect Day at CocoCay” as a new port of call in many of their Caribbean and Bahamas itineraries. This hidden island features an overwhelming number of activities such as the Daredevil’s Tower Aqua Park, Splash Summit, the Wave Pool and more!

The line also holds the distinction of debuting the Central Park and the Royal Promenade neighborhoods, two distinct areas found in many Royal ships, where guests can find many eateries, shops, bars and live entertainment throughout the day.

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Royal Caribbean Articles

HOW TO SPEND THE PERFECT DAY AT COCOCAY

Heather McManus - May 2, 2019

Royal Caribbean has taken the private island experience to the next level. Check out all the amplified awesomeness that make this private island a must see port of call.

View Article

YOUR GUIDE TO WHEN CRUISES WILL RESUME SAILING

Expedia - April 16, 2021

Cruise lines continue to adapt their sailing plans to these measures with diligence and enthusiasm and are beginning to announce sailings dates for a return to the sea. Want to be prepared to sail too? Here is everything you need to know about the restart of cruising.

4 REASONS ROYAL CARIBBEAN MIGHT BE RIGHT FOR YOU

Heather Mcmanus - February 2, 2020

The megaship vacation style isn’t necessarily for everyone, but if you’re considering hopping onboard one of Royal Caribbean’s 26 ships, here are four reasons this cruise line could be the right fit for you.

Royal Caribbean Ships

• Anthem of the Seas
• Empress of the Seas
• Quantum of the Seas
• Harmony of the Seas
• Ovation of the Seas
• Spectrum of the Seas
• Symphony of the Seas
• Jewel of the Seas
• Mariner of the Seas
• Serenade of the Seas
• Brilliance of the Seas
• Navigator of the Seas
• Adventure of the Seas
• Radiance of the Seas
• Grandeur of the Seas
• Voyager of the Seas
• Vision of the Seas
• Explorer of the Seas
• Rhapsody of the Seas
• Enchantment of the Seas
• Oasis of the Seas
• Allure of the Seas
• Liberty of the Seas
• Independence of the Seas
• Freedom of the Seas
• Odyssey of the Seas

More Cruise Lines to Explore

• AmaWaterways
• Avalon Waterways
• Azamara Club Cruises
• Celebrity Cruises
• Costa Cruise Lines
• Crystal Cruises
• Cunard Cruises
• Carnival Cruise Lines
• Disney Cruise Line
• Holland America Line
• MSC Cruises
• Norwegian Cruise Line
• Oceania Cruises
• Princess Cruises
• Regent Seven Seas Cruises
• Seabourn Cruise Line
• Uniworld River Cruises
• Viking Ocean Cruises
• Viking River Cruises

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I've Been Cruising 20+ Years — Here Are 17 Items I'm Shopping for My Next Trip With Royal Caribbean, From $6

They’ll come in handy whether it’s your first cruise or your hundredth.

We independently evaluate all recommended products and services. If you click on links we provide, we may receive compensation. Learn more .

Travel + Leisure / Madison Woiten

Growing up in a cruise family, I never thought about catching my next flight. Instead, I looked to the sea, dreaming of destinations I could reach by boat. I went on my first cruise when I was 9 years old and for the last 23 years since then, I’ve set sail countless times, cruising everywhere from the Bahamas to Europe. Sure, my family did take some shorter trips by plane, but my most unique travel experiences growing up all happened because of a cruise. I’ve island-hopped in the Caribbean, marveled at the Hubbard Glacier off the side of a ship in Alaska, and sailed down the Mediterranean from Spain.

As I’ve gotten older, my family trips have become more rare, and I’ve found different methods to travel across the world. However, my family decided to book a five-night cruise to Bermuda with Royal Caribbean this summer to celebrate my brother finishing his fellowship, the last step in his medical training. I pride myself on my ability to thoroughly prepare for a trip without overpacking, which means I’ve already started on my packing list. After all, in my two decades of cruising, I’ve learned a thing or two about what you’ll need once aboard the ship. From comfortable shoes to a waterproof phone case , here are 17 cruise essentials in my Amazon cart that would come in handy on your next trip, too. 

Travel + Leisure / Rebecca Shinners

Seavilia Luggage Tag Holder

Cruises have a very particular system for boarding luggage, starting with emailing you your luggage tags, which you’re then expected to secure around your bags before boarding the ship. My dad has traditionally been in charge of this process on our family trips, but this time I’m taking over and ordering us these luggage tag holders. We’ve been left rushing to find a stapler or tape at the last minute too many times to not show up prepared. The best-selling luggage tag holders include steel rings that can easily be attached to your suitcase. Plus, they are made with a waterproof material and sealed at the top so you won’t have to worry about your luggage tag getting wet. 

Depending on your cruise line, the brand offers two different size options and packs of four, six, eight, or 20 holders. The narrow option is suitable for Royal Caribbean and Celebrity cruise lines while the wide option can be used for Carnival, Norwegian, Princess, MSC, Holland America, Viking, Azamara, and Costa Cruises. Shoppers say the luggage tag holders, which have over 1,600 five-star ratings, feel sturdy on their bags and save them time at check-in. “The braided steel rings secure the tags to the bags much better than staples,” said one cruiser. 

Hiearcool Universal Waterproof Phone Pouch 

Cruises may be known for relaxation, but depending on where you’re sailing to, you’ll likely have the option to go on an adventurous water sports excursion. I have a tendency to sign up for jet skiing whenever it’s offered. In the past, I’ve purchased a waterproof phone pouch like this one while on my trip — but buying one in advance can help you save money and ensure you show up prepared.   

These Hiearcool Waterproof Phone Pouches , which have 71,000 five-star ratings, were designed to protect your phone from the ocean. They’re sold in packs of two or three, and you can choose from 18 different colors. They are compatible with all smartphones up to 8.3 inches, including the most recent iPhone Pro and iPhone Pro Max, Samsung Galaxy, and Google Pixel. You can wear the lanyard around your neck during water sports or toss it in your bag for safekeeping at the beach. You’ll be able to use your phone’s touchscreen and face recognition features through the pouch as well. 

“I bought this for a Caribbean vacation,” said one reviewer who used this pouch on a few different water excursions and while swimming in the ocean. “It kept my phone completely dry,” they said noting that they had space to store a small wallet in the pouch as well.  

Beshon Flat Plug Power Strip

If you haven’t discovered the joy of packing an extension cord yet, trust me it’ll feel like an unexpected luxury on your next trip. Cruise ship staterooms are often smaller than traditional hotel rooms, so you’ll be thankful for extra outlets when it comes time to charge multiple devices or while getting ready at the same time as your cabinmate. My brother and I will be sharing a room on our upcoming trip, so an extension cord is especially vital to lessen sibling bickering (yes, even as grown adults). And of course, my brother would want me to tell you this was his idea originally.

This Beshon power strip features a flat design and wrap-around cord that makes it easy to pack without taking up too much space in your suitcase. It has three AC outlets, two USB-C Ports, and one USB-A, to ensure you won’t find yourself battling for outlet space on your next cruise. Plus, this power strip has 1,800 five-star reviews with multiple shoppers praising it for being “perfect for travel” and “space saving” since you can opt to leave your charging cubes at home. A fellow cruiser who said “outlets were not easily accessible” on a recent trip agreed that this was a great solution “for storage and packing.” It’s safe to say my brother will support my decision to upgrade us to this packable extension cord. 

Anrabess Crochet Swim Cover-Up 

I’m usually not an outfit repeater when I travel, but you will see me wear this cover-up all over the ship. The dress style offers both enough breathability to wear it outside and enough coverage to walk around inside as well. Just throw it over your swimsuit and you won’t have to worry about changing outfits before heading to the all-inclusive buffet. Cruises usually have air conditioning inside, and this long-sleeved dress will keep you comfortable as you go about different activities. 

This Amazon best-seller comes in 22 different colors and the brand also sells a short sleeve and tank top version of the dress if you prefer. I’m currently eying the black-white colorway which features a black scalloped trim. 

Dolce Vita Women's Starla Sandal

My goal when packing shoes for a cruise is to limit myself to just a few comfortable pairs, which means versatility is key. While these sandals are a newer style, Dolce Vita is one of my go-to brands for cute but comfortable footwear, so I feel confident ordering them for my trip. Plus, these sandals feature a cushioned platform bottom for added support and a strap on the back, meaning my feet won’t slide around while walking around the ship. 

The Dolce Vita Starla Sandals come in 7 different colors, but I think the tan woven style will be a perfect match for all of my daytime outfits — and yes, my accessories really will have an island theme on this trip. Since the buckles have gold hardware, they can easily be dressed up as well. I plan on wearing them with everything from shorts and a tee shirt to flowy maxi dresses. Want to keep things waterproof? Try the uber-popular Crocs Women’s Brooklyn Low Wedges .

BTFBM Summer Bohemian Floral Casual Wrap Dress

If there’s one thing I’m going to do on a tropical vacation, it’s use it as a reason to wear a flirty dress. Cruisewear has gotten more casual over the years, but I prefer to dress up for dinners  — especially when I opt to go to the ship’s specialty restaurants — and most cruises have one or two formal nights included in their itineraries. This ASTR the Label midi dress features a corset-style bust, a flowy skirt with a leg slit, and a pretty floral pattern — what more could I ask for? But, if you’re looking for a similar style for less, you can’t go wrong with this flattering wrap dress that could just as easily pair with white sneakers as gold wedges for just $38.

Voilipex Packable Floppy Straw Sun Hat

A cruise isn’t just about your destination — it’s about the amenities you’ll experience once aboard. Traveling by plane means sitting in a cramped row, but on a cruise you’ll be sailing to different stops while sitting poolside. A hat is essential to protect your scalp from strong UV rays and shield your eyes from the sun. I prefer to pack a straw hat that feels stylish in addition to functional like this one from Volilipex.

The Floppy Straw Sun Hat is a lightweight material that makes it breathable on hot days. It comes in one size but features an interior drawstring that can easily be adjusted for a snug fit. Most importantly, it’s unstructured so you can fold it to pack without worrying about losing its shape. I know I’ll be wearing this straw bucket hat on both the boat and around Bermuda since I can easily throw it into my day bag. The hat comes in 12 different solid colors, including match-everything neutrals like beige and khaki. However, there are also seven crochet-style patterns available, which I’m tempted to grab as well. A tropical vacation is the perfect time to experiment with bright colors and fun accessories, after all.

Skays Reversible Floral One Piece Bathing Suit 

I’ll be driving to the cruise port for my trip this summer, which means I don’t have to worry about suitcase restrictions or weight limits. Yet, I’m still a sucker for a space-saving solution. This reversible swimsuit is the perfect multitasking piece for your next vacation. Once you wear it to the pool or beach, you can hand wash it in your shower and turn it around the other way — no one will suspect you’re actually re-wearing the same suit. 

Another perk of this swimsuit is that it provides good coverage on the stomach and back, making it a great option for a family trip. While it’s a more conservative style in my opinion, the tie sleeves and square neckline are on-trend, and it comes in eight pretty floral prints (yes, all of which are reversible as well.) Reviewers found this swimsuit to be good-quality and say you won’t have to worry about see-through fabric. One traveler who wore the suit while hiking to a swimming spot in Croatia said it was “ very comfortable .”

Sojos Retro Oval Sunglasses 

Okay, these best-selling sunglasses aren’t technically in my shopping cart — they’re in my purse because I couldn’t wait any longer to buy them. I started ordering sunglasses from Amazon years ago after losing one too many pairs of more expensive shades, and I haven’t looked back since. Amazon sunglasses feel just as high-quality as any other brands I’ve tried, and this pair, which has over 23,900 five-star ratings, is no exception. The polarized lenses will protect your eyes from UV rays — plus, the hexagonal design is unexpectedly flattering.

I purchased the Sojos glasses in the black colorway but they also come in five different stylish options. My Amazon sunnies collection also includes the brand’s Retro Round Polarized Sunglasses and my brother is a fan of their Retro Aviator Sunglasses.

Hydro Flask Stainless Steel Standard Mouth Water Bottle

Cruises are known for their all-inclusive atmosphere, and they really do a good job of providing anything you could need aboard the ship in my experience. However, that doesn’t mean you should leave your reusable water bottle behind. You’ll still need it when you deport the ship for an excursion, and trust me you’ll be thanking yourself for bringing it with you to the cruise ship’s pool. Water may be readily available on the boat, but an insulated tumbler will do a better job at keeping your drink cold than a glass, and you’ll be refilling it less often. I’ve been loyal to my Hydro Flask water bottle for about five years now and can attest to its ability to keep your drink cold for up to 24 hours. 

The Hydro Flask water bottle comes in 14 colors, each available in either 18 ounces, 21 ounces, or 24 ounces.  I find the 21-ounce size to be the most versatile — it’s large enough that I don’t have to refill it too often without being too heavy to carry around with me. Plus, I love that the cover has a handle to make it easily transportable. It’s even dishwasher safe (which will be important once you return home from your trip). It should come as no surprise that this water bottle has over 20,000 five-star ratings on Amazon.   

Kindle Paperwhite

Planning to relax and unwind aboard your cruise ship? A good book can help you leave behind the pressures of work and everyday responsibilities. While scrolling social media recently, I ended up on #BookTok and heard multiple readers call Magnolia Parks the “London version of Gossip Girl,” since it follows the love life of a socialite. The Magnolia Parks Universe is a series, meaning you can bring multiple books with you depending on the length of your trip. You can grab the paperback books or download them all on your Kindle before you set sail on your voyage. 

Velvet Caviar iPhone Case & Battery Pack

Despite working in social media for my entire 10-year career, I have a tendency to let my phone battery run out. This isn’t the best habit to have while traveling, especially if you are going on a European cruise with 10-plus hour excursions. However, ever since I received this Velvet Caviar iPhone Case and Battery Pack, my phone hasn’t died once. This charger is lightweight and thin, making it easy to take on the go. It uses MagSafe technology to attach to the case and charge your phone. 

The case and matching charger come in an assortment of different patterns ranging from checkered print to marble. There’s just something so satisfying to me about how they were designed to match each other. However, I will note that the charger can generally only be used to charge your phone once before needing to be recharged. (Of course, if you’ve already ordered an extension cord for your stateroom, you’ll have the space to do so.)

Vooray 22L Zoey Tote Bag

I gifted this tote bag to my mom a few months ago, and I’ve rarely spotted her without it ever since. I was tempted to buy one for myself the last time she packed in it to visit me, and I think my upcoming trip is the perfect excuse to finally add it to my cart. This might not seem like your typical beach bag, but I prefer to pack a tote that can have multiple functions for a cruise: I’ll be able to use it to carry my pool essentials on the ship and as a day bag on excursions. It would even make the perfect gym bag if you plan to work out on your trip. 

As someone who has tried a ton of tote bags, I have very specific criteria of what I look for: Interior pockets and a comfortable strap that can easily rest on your shoulder are at the top of my list. The Zoey Tote bag has an interior water bottle sleeve and an enclosed pocket for zipping up anything you want to keep out of the sun. The magnetic snap closure makes it easy to open and close and the inner liner is water resistant. It features both top handles and a removable longer strap, so you can carry it however is most comfortable for you. 

You might be thinking this tote could make a good personal item or carry-on as well, and you’d be correct. Personally, I prefer to bring a larger duffle and tuck a tote like this inside it for even more space. This bag is easy to compress because it’s made of a soft cotton material. But my favorite packing hack is to stuff a tote with clothes before putting it into your suitcase to really save space.

Havaianas Women's Slide Classic Metallic Sandal

Another important shoe to have on a cruise is a pool slide that will take you from the outer deck to the buffet. Have I mentioned yet that cruises have all-you-can-eat buffets? And that you’re always a few steps away from your next snack while aboard the ship? You just need a shoe that will take you there. 

I’ve never been a big fan of flip-flops and other popular slide styles I’ve tried are so chunky that they feel heavy. Enter, Havaianas Slide Sandals . This style is waterproof and offers a platform that’s thick but not too bulky so that you feel comfortable walking around in them beyond the pool deck. The footbed is textured so that your foot stays in place. Plus, the metallic design is fun while still being neutral enough to go with all of your swimsuits. I may have to pick them up in both the rose gold and the silver colorways. 

Too often I hear people say that they don’t go on cruises because they’re prone to motion sickness. And I have to be honest, even aboard a larger ship, you’ll likely be able to feel the boat rocking at times. However, as someone who is sensitive to sea sickness myself, I can assure you this shouldn’t deter you from setting sail and there’s a solution that will keep you feeling your best.

Dramamine is the first thing I buy for all of my trips and the only reason I’m able to keep up with my cruising habit. I even once found myself buying a German version of this pill when I didn’t bring enough on a Europe trip (though it did make for one of my all-time most interesting souvenirs). While I’ve tried nonoral remedies for motion sickness, such as patches and wristbands , I find that these pills are the only thing that ward off my nausea completely. If you’re prone to motion sickness too, I suggest taking the pills preemptively, at a specified time each day. They last for 24 hours and the less drowsy formula doesn’t cause any tiredness for me. 

Kopari SPF 50 Sun Shield Body Glow

A sunburn can quickly turn a relaxing vacation into a painful experience. During my decade of working at beauty publications, I’ve heard multiple dermatologists say that the best sunscreen is one you’ll actually use. For me, that generally means avoiding anything too sticky or with a strong synthetic smell. I’ve been wanting to try this Kopari Sun Shield Body Glow since seeing it on social media because it goes beyond just your typical SPF formula. 

The lightweight gel formula glides on easily and offers SPF 50 protection. It’s infused with macadamia and hibiscus oils to ward off UV ray damage and Vitamin E to protect the skin from environmental stressors. But what really caught my attention about this product is that it leaves a shimmery shine on your skin that will make you look sunkissed — even if you spent all day lounging in the shade. You can choose between three colors, each leaving a different metallic shimmer on the skin. I will definitely be covering myself in this sunscreen before heading to the pool.

Kerastase Nutritive 8H Magic Night Hair Serum 

I tend to be a minimalist when it comes to packing beauty products for a cruise, but this Kerastase serum is the one product I won’t set sail without. The ship deck can get windy, which causes my hair to frizz, while going in the pool and the ocean makes it even drier than usual. However, this serum truly does work magic on my strands, just like its name implies. 

While this serum can be used as a leave-in-treatment, I find that it instantly smoothes any frizz as well. I simply put one drop of the product into my hand, then run it down my hair, massaging it into any unruly curls. Within minutes, my hair looks shinier with no signs of frizz. It’s a major time-saver when I’m going straight from dinner to a show and don’t want to worry about redoing my hair. I like to take advantage of packing full-size products when I’m not flying to my cruise, but if you do need a TSA-approved product, this spray bottle would work well to dispense the serum — and you’ll be able to relax on deck frizz-free.

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Weddings? Burials at sea? Unexpected things you can do on a cruise ship besides cruising

When thinking of a cruise , we generally imagine sailing away for a relaxing vacation of sun and fun. Lots of food, perhaps a drink with an umbrella in it and the magnificent ocean.

We're lucky in Florida, home to some of the world's busiest cruise ports including PortMiami, Port Canaveral , Port Everglades, Port Tampa Bay, JAXPORT, and Port of Palm Beach. There is also a port in Key West, but this is mainly used for cruise ship calls rather than a homeport.

Most people know cruises offer a great value and are nearly all-inclusive with good food , accommodations and entertainment. Add to that exotic ports of call and shore excursions that strike all fancies, from beach bums to adrenaline junkies.

But there are some lesser-known accommodations available on most cruise ships .

From joyous occasions to celebrations of life, here are some extraordinary services cruise ships offer.

You can get married on a cruise ship

Want to say "I do" onboard a majestic ship or at an exotic location?

You can do that on a cruise ship and be on your honeymoon at the same time.

Many cruise lines, including Disney Cruise Lines , Carnival and Royal Caribbean , offer weddings and wedding renewals aboard the ship or at scenic tropical locations.

Your guests don't even have to cruise with you.

For example, 50 non-sailing guests can take part in weddings aboard Carnival Cruise Line ships before the cruise sails from the port of embarkation.

Royal Caribbean allows for 75 of 150 wedding guests to be non-sailing. NCL permits up to 10 non-sailing guests free of charge, but a reception must be booked if you have up to 50 guests who are not sailing.

Check with your cruise line for availability and details.

Burial at sea: Scattering a loved one's ashes from a cruise ship

A loved one's remains can be buried at sea during a cruise.

Several cruise lines allow for the scattering of cremated remains from their ships, provided the guest can produce the decedent's death and cremation certificates.

The remains are generally required to be in a biodegradable urn and some cruise lines require the entire urn to be tossed into the sea.

Cruise lines work with guests to determine burial time and place. Guests are usually taken to a more secluded part of the ship and given privacy for scattering the remains.

Contact your cruise line before boarding for availability and policies.

Cruise ships have jails. Can you get arrested on a cruise ship?

While there are a lot of perks for traveling via cruise ship, there are some facilities available on most cruise ships that may surprise you.

For example, many cruise ships have a small jail, called a brig. The brig is generally located on one of the bottom decks.

Misbehavior or breaking the law on a cruise ship can see you confined to your cabin or locked up in the brig.

Do cruise ships have hospitals?

Most cruise ships sailing from U.S. ports have medical facilities, including a doctor, on board to treat minor illnesses and injuries, and to stabilize patients with more serious health issues until they can be transferred to land-based facilities.

While available, medical care on a cruise ship is not free . Your land-based health insurance is generally not accepted on board and medical service fees are charged to your sailing account.

Your health insurance may not cover you while you're on the ship and out of the country. Check with your provider before boarding and look into travel health insurance for concerns over recouping any out-of-pocket costs.

Is there a morgue on cruise ships?

Morbidly, yes, there's a morgue on board. It's legally required , according to Readers Digest .

In case of a death, the body is stored in the morgue until it can be transferred off the ship.

Support local journalism by  subscribing to a Florida news organization .

Royal Caribbean's newest ship is also its priciest. Here's what it's like spending as little as possible, with no lobster or other upgrades.

• Royal Caribbean's Icon of the Seas could be an expensive vacation compared to other cruise ships.
• Sailing on the mega-ship without paying for any of its upcharged amenities is possible.
• But it would mean spending at least $265 a day, staying sober, and repeating meals.

A budget vacation on Royal Caribbean's new wildly popular Icon of the Seas is possible. Just be prepared to stay sober, repeat meals, and pay at least $265 a day.

Right now, there's likely no better example of the mass-market cruise industry's shift toward the budget airline strategy — charge a cheap base fare and offer irresistible up-charged amenities — than Royal Caribbean's new world's largest cruise liner.

After all, what other ship comes with a $100,000-a-week cabin and a $200-per-person restaurant?

But it is possible to vacation on the mega-ship without giving into any of its upcharged restaurants and activities. If you're strong enough to do so, here's what your seven nights on Icon of the Seas could look like.

Be warned: It won't include lobsters or private lounges .

Less than half of Icon’s 28 eateries are complimentary, so you’ll likely repeat meals.

Picky eaters are sure to find at least one satisfactory option at the ship's three buffets, one of which is Mexican-themed.

If not, the complimentary pizza shop or sandwiches from the two on-board cafés might suffice.

In search of variety, grab a Mediterranean-style wrap or crepe at the five-stall food hall instead.

For a more formal dinner, budget cruisers can grub on a three-course meal at the complimentary dining room.

The three-floor restaurant has a rotating menu with classics like crab cakes, New York strip steak, and cheesecake.

Just don't expect lobster or filet mignon. Both cost extra.

For better or worse, guests snubbing upcharged options would also be snubbing booze.

Like most mass-market cruise ships, Icon of the Seas' 18 bars aren't free. If you want alcohol and sodas, be prepared to pay for a beverage package.

Thankfully, the ship’s complimentary amenities could distract you from your sobriety.

Icon's surf simulator and impressive six-slide waterpark won't run you a tab.

The same goes for its seven pools and nine hot tubs — save for one of each exclusive to guests who've booked a suite.

For drier activities, families could spend their afternoons scaling the rock climbing wall or testing their putt at the nine-hole mini-golf course.

Or they could work off their lunch buffet by sweating it out at the sports court — basketball and ping pong included — for no extra charges.

Fortunately, Icon of the Seas' nighttime entertainment is also a great equalizer. Its ice skating performance, rendition of the Broadway hit "Wizard of Oz," and multi-disciplinary dance, swim, and dive show are complimentary to all guests.

But if you want to test your fear of heights at the part-walking, part-agility, part-ziplining Crown's Edge , you'll have to cough up $49.

The arcade games aren't free, either.

Guests staying in suites have access to a shared outdoor lounge.

There's also the option to pay up to $700 for one day with a private cabana-like "casita."

But if you're on a budget, you'll have to fight "pool chair hogs" for the best poolside seating instead. (Consider bringing a sheet mask with you — a 25-minute facial at the ship's spa is almost $150.)

And hold off on your Instagram photo dumps until after your vacation.

Otherwise, you'll have to cough up $31 per day and device for streaming-enabled WiFi, totaling $217 for the duration of the cruise. (Icon of the Seas is exclusively operating seven-night sailings.)

But let’s face it: The base fare alone isn’t ultra-affordable compared to other cruise ships.

Patrick Scholes, a lodging and leisure research analyst at Truist Securities, told Business Insider in late 2023, three months before Icon's launch , that the vessel was priced at a premium of "at least 50%, if not more."

Steep, compared to the typical 20% to 50% new-ship premiums.

The cheapest interior stateroom for 2024 currently costs $265 per person per day.

But even the windowless cabin comes with its own list of upgrades.

Travelers who want to pick their own stateroom must pay an additional $128 per person. If they opt for one of the larger (by at least one square foot) interior cabins, it'll be an extra $100.

Which is to say, good luck avoiding any of the upcharged amenities on your Icon of the Seas vacation .

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Crying Myself to Sleep on the Biggest Cruise Ship Ever

Seven agonizing nights aboard the Icon of the Seas

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Updated at 2:44 p.m. ET on April 6, 2024.

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MY FIRST GLIMPSE of Royal Caribbean’s Icon of the Seas, from the window of an approaching Miami cab, brings on a feeling of vertigo, nausea, amazement, and distress. I shut my eyes in defense, as my brain tells my optic nerve to try again.

The ship makes no sense, vertically or horizontally. It makes no sense on sea, or on land, or in outer space. It looks like a hodgepodge of domes and minarets, tubes and canopies, like Istanbul had it been designed by idiots. Vibrant, oversignifying colors are stacked upon other such colors, decks perched over still more decks; the only comfort is a row of lifeboats ringing its perimeter. There is no imposed order, no cogent thought, and, for those who do not harbor a totalitarian sense of gigantomania, no visual mercy. This is the biggest cruise ship ever built, and I have been tasked with witnessing its inaugural voyage.

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“Author embarks on their first cruise-ship voyage” has been a staple of American essay writing for almost three decades, beginning with David Foster Wallace’s “A Supposedly Fun Thing I’ll Never Do Again,” which was first published in 1996 under the title “Shipping Out.” Since then, many admirable writers have widened and diversified the genre. Usually the essayist commissioned to take to the sea is in their first or second flush of youth and is ready to sharpen their wit against the hull of the offending vessel. I am 51, old and tired, having seen much of the world as a former travel journalist, and mostly what I do in both life and prose is shrug while muttering to my imaginary dachshund, “This too shall pass.” But the Icon of the Seas will not countenance a shrug. The Icon of the Seas is the Linda Loman of cruise ships, exclaiming that attention must be paid. And here I am in late January with my one piece of luggage and useless gray winter jacket and passport, zipping through the Port of Miami en route to the gangway that will separate me from the bulk of North America for more than seven days, ready to pay it in full.

The aforementioned gangway opens up directly onto a thriving mall (I will soon learn it is imperiously called the “Royal Promenade”), presently filled with yapping passengers beneath a ceiling studded with balloons ready to drop. Crew members from every part of the global South, as well as a few Balkans, are shepherding us along while pressing flutes of champagne into our hands. By a humming Starbucks, I drink as many of these as I can and prepare to find my cabin. I show my blue Suite Sky SeaPass Card (more on this later, much more) to a smiling woman from the Philippines, and she tells me to go “aft.” Which is where, now? As someone who has rarely sailed on a vessel grander than the Staten Island Ferry, I am confused. It turns out that the aft is the stern of the ship, or, for those of us who don’t know what a stern or an aft are, its ass. The nose of the ship, responsible for separating the waves before it, is also called a bow, and is marked for passengers as the FWD , or forward. The part of the contemporary sailing vessel where the malls are clustered is called the midship. I trust that you have enjoyed this nautical lesson.

I ascend via elevator to my suite on Deck 11. This is where I encounter my first terrible surprise. My suite windows and balcony do not face the ocean. Instead, they look out onto another shopping mall. This mall is the one that’s called Central Park, perhaps in homage to the Olmsted-designed bit of greenery in the middle of my hometown. Although on land I would be delighted to own a suite with Central Park views, here I am deeply depressed. To sail on a ship and not wake up to a vast blue carpet of ocean? Unthinkable.

Allow me a brief preamble here. The story you are reading was commissioned at a moment when most staterooms on the Icon were sold out. In fact, so enthralled by the prospect of this voyage were hard-core mariners that the ship’s entire inventory of guest rooms (the Icon can accommodate up to 7,600 passengers, but its inaugural journey was reduced to 5,000 or so for a less crowded experience) was almost immediately sold out. Hence, this publication was faced with the shocking prospect of paying nearly $19,000 to procure for this solitary passenger an entire suite—not including drinking expenses—all for the privilege of bringing you this article. But the suite in question doesn’t even have a view of the ocean! I sit down hard on my soft bed. Nineteen thousand dollars for this .

The viewless suite does have its pluses. In addition to all the Malin+Goetz products in my dual bathrooms, I am granted use of a dedicated Suite Deck lounge; access to Coastal Kitchen, a superior restaurant for Suites passengers; complimentary VOOM SM Surf & Stream (“the fastest Internet at Sea”) “for one device per person for the whole cruise duration”; a pair of bathrobes (one of which comes prestained with what looks like a large expectoration by the greenest lizard on Earth); and use of the Grove Suite Sun, an area on Decks 18 and 19 with food and deck chairs reserved exclusively for Suite passengers. I also get reserved seating for a performance of The Wizard of Oz , an ice-skating tribute to the periodic table, and similar provocations. The very color of my Suite Sky SeaPass Card, an oceanic blue as opposed to the cloying royal purple of the standard non-Suite passenger, will soon provoke envy and admiration. But as high as my status may be, there are those on board who have much higher status still, and I will soon learn to bow before them.

In preparation for sailing, I have “priced in,” as they say on Wall Street, the possibility that I may come from a somewhat different monde than many of the other cruisers. Without falling into stereotypes or preconceptions, I prepare myself for a friendly outspokenness on the part of my fellow seafarers that may not comply with modern DEI standards. I believe in meeting people halfway, and so the day before flying down to Miami, I visited what remains of Little Italy to purchase a popular T-shirt that reads DADDY’S LITTLE MEATBALL across the breast in the colors of the Italian flag. My wife recommended that I bring one of my many T-shirts featuring Snoopy and the Peanuts gang, as all Americans love the beagle and his friends. But I naively thought that my meatball T-shirt would be more suitable for conversation-starting. “Oh, and who is your ‘daddy’?” some might ask upon seeing it. “And how long have you been his ‘little meatball’?” And so on.

I put on my meatball T-shirt and head for one of the dining rooms to get a late lunch. In the elevator, I stick out my chest for all to read the funny legend upon it, but soon I realize that despite its burnished tricolor letters, no one takes note. More to the point, no one takes note of me. Despite my attempts at bridge building, the very sight of me (small, ethnic, without a cap bearing the name of a football team) elicits no reaction from other passengers. Most often, they will small-talk over me as if I don’t exist. This brings to mind the travails of David Foster Wallace , who felt so ostracized by his fellow passengers that he retreated to his cabin for much of his voyage. And Wallace was raised primarily in the Midwest and was a much larger, more American-looking meatball than I am. If he couldn’t talk to these people, how will I? What if I leave this ship without making any friends at all, despite my T-shirt? I am a social creature, and the prospect of seven days alone and apart is saddening. Wallace’s stateroom, at least, had a view of the ocean, a kind of cheap eternity.

Worse awaits me in the dining room. This is a large, multichandeliered room where I attended my safety training (I was shown how to put on a flotation vest; it is a very simple procedure). But the maître d’ politely refuses me entry in an English that seems to verge on another language. “I’m sorry, this is only for pendejos ,” he seems to be saying. I push back politely and he repeats himself. Pendejos ? Piranhas? There’s some kind of P-word to which I am not attuned. Meanwhile elderly passengers stream right past, powered by their limbs, walkers, and electric wheelchairs. “It is only pendejo dining today, sir.” “But I have a suite!” I say, already starting to catch on to the ship’s class system. He examines my card again. “But you are not a pendejo ,” he confirms. I am wearing a DADDY’S LITTLE MEATBALL T-shirt, I want to say to him. I am the essence of pendejo .

Eventually, I give up and head to the plebeian buffet on Deck 15, which has an aquatic-styled name I have now forgotten. Before gaining entry to this endless cornucopia of reheated food, one passes a washing station of many sinks and soap dispensers, and perhaps the most intriguing character on the entire ship. He is Mr. Washy Washy—or, according to his name tag, Nielbert of the Philippines—and he is dressed as a taco (on other occasions, I’ll see him dressed as a burger). Mr. Washy Washy performs an eponymous song in spirited, indeed flamboyant English: “Washy, washy, wash your hands, WASHY WASHY!” The dangers of norovirus and COVID on a cruise ship this size (a giant fellow ship was stricken with the former right after my voyage) makes Mr. Washy Washy an essential member of the crew. The problem lies with the food at the end of Washy’s rainbow. The buffet is groaning with what sounds like sophisticated dishes—marinated octopus, boiled egg with anchovy, chorizo, lobster claws—but every animal tastes tragically the same, as if there was only one creature available at the market, a “cruisipus” bred specifically for Royal Caribbean dining. The “vegetables” are no better. I pick up a tomato slice and look right through it. It tastes like cellophane. I sit alone, apart from the couples and parents with gaggles of children, as “We Are Family” echoes across the buffet space.

I may have failed to mention that all this time, the Icon of the Seas has not left port. As the fiery mango of the subtropical setting sun makes Miami’s condo skyline even more apocalyptic, the ship shoves off beneath a perfunctory display of fireworks. After the sun sets, in the far, dark distance, another circus-lit cruise ship ruptures the waves before us. We glance at it with pity, because it is by definition a smaller ship than our own. I am on Deck 15, outside the buffet and overlooking a bunch of pools (the Icon has seven of them), drinking a frilly drink that I got from one of the bars (the Icon has 15 of them), still too shy to speak to anyone, despite Sister Sledge’s assertion that all on the ship are somehow related.

Kim Brooks: On failing the family vacation

The ship’s passage away from Ron DeSantis’s Florida provides no frisson, no sense of developing “sea legs,” as the ship is too large to register the presence of waves unless a mighty wind adds significant chop. It is time for me to register the presence of the 5,000 passengers around me, even if they refuse to register mine. My fellow travelers have prepared for this trip with personally decorated T-shirts celebrating the importance of this voyage. The simplest ones say ICON INAUGURAL ’24 on the back and the family name on the front. Others attest to an over-the-top love of cruise ships: WARNING! MAY START TALKING ABOUT CRUISING . Still others are artisanally designed and celebrate lifetimes spent married while cruising (on ships, of course). A couple possibly in their 90s are wearing shirts whose backs feature a drawing of a cruise liner, two flamingos with ostensibly male and female characteristics, and the legend “ HUSBAND AND WIFE Cruising Partners FOR LIFE WE MAY NOT HAVE IT All Together BUT TOGETHER WE HAVE IT ALL .” (The words not in all caps have been written in cursive.) A real journalist or a more intrepid conversationalist would have gone up to the couple and asked them to explain the longevity of their marriage vis-à-vis their love of cruising. But instead I head to my mall suite, take off my meatball T-shirt, and allow the first tears of the cruise to roll down my cheeks slowly enough that I briefly fall asleep amid the moisture and salt.

I WAKE UP with a hangover. Oh God. Right. I cannot believe all of that happened last night. A name floats into my cobwebbed, nauseated brain: “Ayn Rand.” Jesus Christ.

I breakfast alone at the Coastal Kitchen. The coffee tastes fine and the eggs came out of a bird. The ship rolls slightly this morning; I can feel it in my thighs and my schlong, the parts of me that are most receptive to danger.

I had a dangerous conversation last night. After the sun set and we were at least 50 miles from shore (most modern cruise ships sail at about 23 miles an hour), I lay in bed softly hiccupping, my arms stretched out exactly like Jesus on the cross, the sound of the distant waves missing from my mall-facing suite, replaced by the hum of air-conditioning and children shouting in Spanish through the vents of my two bathrooms. I decided this passivity was unacceptable. As an immigrant, I feel duty-bound to complete the tasks I am paid for, which means reaching out and trying to understand my fellow cruisers. So I put on a normal James Perse T-shirt and headed for one of the bars on the Royal Promenade—the Schooner Bar, it was called, if memory serves correctly.

I sat at the bar for a martini and two Negronis. An old man with thick, hairy forearms drank next to me, very silent and Hemingwaylike, while a dreadlocked piano player tinkled out a series of excellent Elton John covers. To my right, a young white couple—he in floral shorts, she in a light, summery miniskirt with a fearsome diamond ring, neither of them in football regalia—chatted with an elderly couple. Do it , I commanded myself. Open your mouth. Speak! Speak without being spoken to. Initiate. A sentence fragment caught my ear from the young woman, “Cherry Hill.” This is a suburb of Philadelphia in New Jersey, and I had once been there for a reading at a synagogue. “Excuse me,” I said gently to her. “Did you just mention Cherry Hill? It’s a lovely place.”

As it turned out, the couple now lived in Fort Lauderdale (the number of Floridians on the cruise surprised me, given that Southern Florida is itself a kind of cruise ship, albeit one slowly sinking), but soon they were talking with me exclusively—the man potbellied, with a chin like a hard-boiled egg; the woman as svelte as if she were one of the many Ukrainian members of the crew—the elderly couple next to them forgotten. This felt as groundbreaking as the first time I dared to address an American in his native tongue, as a child on a bus in Queens (“On my foot you are standing, Mister”).

“I don’t want to talk politics,” the man said. “But they’re going to eighty-six Biden and put Michelle in.”

I considered the contradictions of his opening conversational gambit, but decided to play along. “People like Michelle,” I said, testing the waters. The husband sneered, but the wife charitably put forward that the former first lady was “more personable” than Joe Biden. “They’re gonna eighty-six Biden,” the husband repeated. “He can’t put a sentence together.”

After I mentioned that I was a writer—though I presented myself as a writer of teleplays instead of novels and articles such as this one—the husband told me his favorite writer was Ayn Rand. “Ayn Rand, she came here with nothing,” the husband said. “I work with a lot of Cubans, so …” I wondered if I should mention what I usually do to ingratiate myself with Republicans or libertarians: the fact that my finances improved after pass-through corporations were taxed differently under Donald Trump. Instead, I ordered another drink and the couple did the same, and I told him that Rand and I were born in the same city, St. Petersburg/Leningrad, and that my family also came here with nothing. Now the bonding and drinking began in earnest, and several more rounds appeared. Until it all fell apart.

Read: Gary Shteyngart on watching Russian television for five days straight

My new friend, whom I will refer to as Ayn, called out to a buddy of his across the bar, and suddenly a young couple, both covered in tattoos, appeared next to us. “He fucking punked me,” Ayn’s frat-boy-like friend called out as he put his arm around Ayn, while his sizable partner sizzled up to Mrs. Rand. Both of them had a look I have never seen on land—their eyes projecting absence and enmity in equal measure. In the ’90s, I drank with Russian soldiers fresh from Chechnya and wandered the streets of wartime Zagreb, but I have never seen such undisguised hostility toward both me and perhaps the universe at large. I was briefly introduced to this psychopathic pair, but neither of them wanted to have anything to do with me, and the tattooed woman would not even reveal her Christian name to me (she pretended to have the same first name as Mrs. Rand). To impress his tattooed friends, Ayn made fun of the fact that as a television writer, I’d worked on the series Succession (which, it would turn out, practically nobody on the ship had watched), instead of the far more palatable, in his eyes, zombie drama of last year. And then my new friends drifted away from me into an angry private conversation—“He punked me!”—as I ordered another drink for myself, scared of the dead-eyed arrivals whose gaze never registered in the dim wattage of the Schooner Bar, whose terrifying voices and hollow laughs grated like unoiled gears against the crooning of “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road.”

But today is a new day for me and my hangover. After breakfast, I explore the ship’s so-called neighborhoods . There’s the AquaDome, where one can find a food hall and an acrobatic sound-and-light aquatic show. Central Park has a premium steak house, a sushi joint, and a used Rolex that can be bought for $8,000 on land here proudly offered at $17,000. There’s the aforementioned Royal Promenade, where I had drunk with the Rands, and where a pair of dueling pianos duel well into the night. There’s Surfside, a kids’ neighborhood full of sugary garbage, which looks out onto the frothy trail that the behemoth leaves behind itself. Thrill Island refers to the collection of tubes that clutter the ass of the ship and offer passengers six waterslides and a surfing simulation. There’s the Hideaway, an adult zone that plays music from a vomit-slathered, Brit-filled Alicante nightclub circa 1996 and proves a big favorite with groups of young Latin American customers. And, most hurtfully, there’s the Suite Neighborhood.

I say hurtfully because as a Suite passenger I should be here, though my particular suite is far from the others. Whereas I am stuck amid the riffraff of Deck 11, this section is on the highborn Decks 16 and 17, and in passing, I peek into the spacious, tall-ceilinged staterooms from the hallway, dazzled by the glint of the waves and sun. For $75,000, one multifloor suite even comes with its own slide between floors, so that a family may enjoy this particular terror in private. There is a quiet splendor to the Suite Neighborhood. I see fewer stickers and signs and drawings than in my own neighborhood—for example, MIKE AND DIANA PROUDLY SERVED U.S. MARINE CORPS RETIRED . No one here needs to announce their branch of service or rank; they are simply Suites, and this is where they belong. Once again, despite my hard work and perseverance, I have been disallowed from the true American elite. Once again, I am “Not our class, dear.” I am reminded of watching The Love Boat on my grandmother’s Zenith, which either was given to her or we found in the trash (I get our many malfunctioning Zeniths confused) and whose tube got so hot, I would put little chunks of government cheese on a thin tissue atop it to give our welfare treat a pleasant, Reagan-era gooeyness. I could not understand English well enough then to catch the nuances of that seafaring program, but I knew that there were differences in the status of the passengers, and that sometimes those differences made them sad. Still, this ship, this plenty—every few steps, there are complimentary nachos or milkshakes or gyros on offer—was the fatty fuel of my childhood dreams. If only I had remained a child.

I walk around the outdoor decks looking for company. There is a middle-aged African American couple who always seem to be asleep in each other’s arms, probably exhausted from the late capitalism they regularly encounter on land. There is far more diversity on this ship than I expected. Many couples are a testament to Loving v. Virginia , and there is a large group of folks whose T-shirts read MELANIN AT SEA / IT’S THE MELANIN FOR ME . I smile when I see them, but then some young kids from the group makes Mr. Washy Washy do a cruel, caricatured “Burger Dance” (today he is in his burger getup), and I think, Well, so much for intersectionality .

At the infinity pool on Deck 17, I spot some elderly women who could be ethnic and from my part of the world, and so I jump in. I am proved correct! Many of them seem to be originally from Queens (“Corona was still great when it was all Italian”), though they are now spread across the tristate area. We bond over the way “Ron-kon-koma” sounds when announced in Penn Station.

“Everyone is here for a different reason,” one of them tells me. She and her ex-husband last sailed together four years ago to prove to themselves that their marriage was truly over. Her 15-year-old son lost his virginity to “an Irish young lady” while their ship was moored in Ravenna, Italy. The gaggle of old-timers competes to tell me their favorite cruising stories and tips. “A guy proposed in Central Park a couple of years ago”—many Royal Caribbean ships apparently have this ridiculous communal area—“and she ran away screaming!” “If you’re diamond-class, you get four drinks for free.” “A different kind of passenger sails out of Bayonne.” (This, perhaps, is racially coded.) “Sometimes, if you tip the bartender $5, your next drink will be free.”

“Everyone’s here for a different reason,” the woman whose marriage ended on a cruise tells me again. “Some people are here for bad reasons—the drinkers and the gamblers. Some people are here for medical reasons.” I have seen more than a few oxygen tanks and at least one woman clearly undergoing very serious chemo. Some T-shirts celebrate good news about a cancer diagnosis. This might be someone’s last cruise or week on Earth. For these women, who have spent months, if not years, at sea, cruising is a ritual as well as a life cycle: first love, last love, marriage, divorce, death.

Read: The last place on Earth any tourist should go

I have talked with these women for so long, tonight I promise myself that after a sad solitary dinner I will not try to seek out company at the bars in the mall or the adult-themed Hideaway. I have enough material to fulfill my duties to this publication. As I approach my orphaned suite, I run into the aggro young people who stole Mr. and Mrs. Rand away from me the night before. The tattooed apparitions pass me without a glance. She is singing something violent about “Stuttering Stanley” (a character in a popular horror movie, as I discover with my complimentary VOOM SM Surf & Stream Internet at Sea) and he’s loudly shouting about “all the money I’ve lost,” presumably at the casino in the bowels of the ship.

So these bent psychos out of a Cormac McCarthy novel are angrily inhabiting my deck. As I mewl myself to sleep, I envision a limited series for HBO or some other streamer, a kind of low-rent White Lotus , where several aggressive couples conspire to throw a shy intellectual interloper overboard. I type the scenario into my phone. As I fall asleep, I think of what the woman who recently divorced her husband and whose son became a man through the good offices of the Irish Republic told me while I was hoisting myself out of the infinity pool. “I’m here because I’m an explorer. I’m here because I’m trying something new.” What if I allowed myself to believe in her fantasy?

“YOU REALLY STARTED AT THE TOP,” they tell me. I’m at the Coastal Kitchen for my eggs and corned-beef hash, and the maître d’ has slotted me in between two couples. Fueled by coffee or perhaps intrigued by my relative youth, they strike up a conversation with me. As always, people are shocked that this is my first cruise. They contrast the Icon favorably with all the preceding liners in the Royal Caribbean fleet, usually commenting on the efficiency of the elevators that hurl us from deck to deck (as in many large corporate buildings, the elevators ask you to choose a floor and then direct you to one of many lifts). The couple to my right, from Palo Alto—he refers to his “porn mustache” and calls his wife “my cougar” because she is two years older—tell me they are “Pandemic Pinnacles.”

This is the day that my eyes will be opened. Pinnacles , it is explained to me over translucent cantaloupe, have sailed with Royal Caribbean for 700 ungodly nights. Pandemic Pinnacles took advantage of the two-for-one accrual rate of Pinnacle points during the pandemic, when sailing on a cruise ship was even more ill-advised, to catapult themselves into Pinnacle status.

Because of the importance of the inaugural voyage of the world’s largest cruise liner, more than 200 Pinnacles are on this ship, a startling number, it seems. Mrs. Palo Alto takes out a golden badge that I have seen affixed over many a breast, which reads CROWN AND ANCHOR SOCIETY along with her name. This is the coveted badge of the Pinnacle. “You should hear all the whining in Guest Services,” her husband tells me. Apparently, the Pinnacles who are not also Suites like us are all trying to use their status to get into Coastal Kitchen, our elite restaurant. Even a Pinnacle needs to be a Suite to access this level of corned-beef hash.

“We’re just baby Pinnacles,” Mrs. Palo Alto tells me, describing a kind of internal class struggle among the Pinnacle elite for ever higher status.

And now I understand what the maître d’ was saying to me on the first day of my cruise. He wasn’t saying “ pendejo .” He was saying “Pinnacle.” The dining room was for Pinnacles only, all those older people rolling in like the tide on their motorized scooters.

And now I understand something else: This whole thing is a cult. And like most cults, it can’t help but mirror the endless American fight for status. Like Keith Raniere’s NXIVM, where different-colored sashes were given out to connote rank among Raniere’s branded acolytes, this is an endless competition among Pinnacles, Suites, Diamond-Plusers, and facing-the-mall, no-balcony purple SeaPass Card peasants, not to mention the many distinctions within each category. The more you cruise, the higher your status. No wonder a section of the Royal Promenade is devoted to getting passengers to book their next cruise during the one they should be enjoying now. No wonder desperate Royal Caribbean offers (“FINAL HOURS”) crowded my email account weeks before I set sail. No wonder the ship’s jewelry store, the Royal Bling, is selling a $100,000 golden chalice that will entitle its owner to drink free on Royal Caribbean cruises for life. (One passenger was already gaming out whether her 28-year-old son was young enough to “just about earn out” on the chalice or if that ship had sailed.) No wonder this ship was sold out months before departure , and we had to pay $19,000 for a horrid suite away from the Suite Neighborhood. No wonder the most mythical hero of Royal Caribbean lore is someone named Super Mario, who has cruised so often, he now has his own working desk on many ships. This whole experience is part cult, part nautical pyramid scheme.

From the June 2014 issue: Ship of wonks

“The toilets are amazing,” the Palo Altos are telling me. “One flush and you’re done.” “They don’t understand how energy-efficient these ships are,” the husband of the other couple is telling me. “They got the LNG”—liquefied natural gas, which is supposed to make the Icon a boon to the environment (a concept widely disputed and sometimes ridiculed by environmentalists).

But I’m thinking along a different line of attack as I spear my last pallid slice of melon. For my streaming limited series, a Pinnacle would have to get killed by either an outright peasant or a Suite without an ocean view. I tell my breakfast companions my idea.

“Oh, for sure a Pinnacle would have to be killed,” Mr. Palo Alto, the Pandemic Pinnacle, says, touching his porn mustache thoughtfully as his wife nods.

“THAT’S RIGHT, IT’S your time, buddy!” Hubert, my fun-loving Panamanian cabin attendant, shouts as I step out of my suite in a robe. “Take it easy, buddy!”

I have come up with a new dressing strategy. Instead of trying to impress with my choice of T-shirts, I have decided to start wearing a robe, as one does at a resort property on land, with a proper spa and hammam. The response among my fellow cruisers has been ecstatic. “Look at you in the robe!” Mr. Rand cries out as we pass each other by the Thrill Island aqua park. “You’re living the cruise life! You know, you really drank me under the table that night.” I laugh as we part ways, but my soul cries out, Please spend more time with me, Mr. and Mrs. Rand; I so need the company .

In my white robe, I am a stately presence, a refugee from a better limited series, a one-man crossover episode. (Only Suites are granted these robes to begin with.) Today, I will try many of the activities these ships have on offer to provide their clientele with a sense of never-ceasing motion. Because I am already at Thrill Island, I decide to climb the staircase to what looks like a mast on an old-fashioned ship (terrified, because I am afraid of heights) to try a ride called “Storm Chasers,” which is part of the “Category 6” water park, named in honor of one of the storms that may someday do away with the Port of Miami entirely. Storm Chasers consists of falling from the “mast” down a long, twisting neon tube filled with water, like being the camera inside your own colonoscopy, as you hold on to the handles of a mat, hoping not to die. The tube then flops you down headfirst into a trough of water, a Royal Caribbean baptism. It both knocks my breath out and makes me sad.

In keeping with the aquatic theme, I attend a show at the AquaDome. To the sound of “Live and Let Die,” a man in a harness gyrates to and fro in the sultry air. I saw something very similar in the back rooms of the famed Berghain club in early-aughts Berlin. Soon another harnessed man is gyrating next to the first. Ja , I think to myself, I know how this ends. Now will come the fisting , natürlich . But the show soon devolves into the usual Marvel-film-grade nonsense, with too much light and sound signifying nichts . If any fisting is happening, it is probably in the Suite Neighborhood, inside a cabin marked with an upside-down pineapple, which I understand means a couple are ready to swing, and I will see none of it.

I go to the ice show, which is a kind of homage—if that’s possible—to the periodic table, done with the style and pomp and masterful precision that would please the likes of Kim Jong Un, if only he could afford Royal Caribbean talent. At one point, the dancers skate to the theme song of Succession . “See that!” I want to say to my fellow Suites—at “cultural” events, we have a special section reserved for us away from the commoners—“ Succession ! It’s even better than the zombie show! Open your minds!”

Finally, I visit a comedy revue in an enormous and too brightly lit version of an “intimate,” per Royal Caribbean literature, “Manhattan comedy club.” Many of the jokes are about the cruising life. “I’ve lived on ships for 20 years,” one of the middle-aged comedians says. “I can only see so many Filipino homosexuals dressed as a taco.” He pauses while the audience laughs. “I am so fired tonight,” he says. He segues into a Trump impression and then Biden falling asleep at the microphone, which gets the most laughs. “Anyone here from Fort Leonard Wood?” another comedian asks. Half the crowd seems to cheer. As I fall asleep that night, I realize another connection I have failed to make, and one that may explain some of the diversity on this vessel—many of its passengers have served in the military.

As a coddled passenger with a suite, I feel like I am starting to understand what it means to have a rank and be constantly reminded of it. There are many espresso makers , I think as I look across the expanse of my officer-grade quarters before closing my eyes, but this one is mine .

A shocking sight greets me beyond the pools of Deck 17 as I saunter over to the Coastal Kitchen for my morning intake of slightly sour Americanos. A tiny city beneath a series of perfectly pressed green mountains. Land! We have docked for a brief respite in Basseterre, the capital of St. Kitts and Nevis. I wolf down my egg scramble to be one of the first passengers off the ship. Once past the gangway, I barely refrain from kissing the ground. I rush into the sights and sounds of this scruffy island city, sampling incredible conch curry and buckets of non-Starbucks coffee. How wonderful it is to be where God intended humans to be: on land. After all, I am neither a fish nor a mall rat. This is my natural environment. Basseterre may not be Havana, but there are signs of human ingenuity and desire everywhere you look. The Black Table Grill Has been Relocated to Soho Village, Market Street, Directly Behind of, Gary’s Fruits and Flower Shop. Signed. THE PORK MAN reads a sign stuck to a wall. Now, that is how you write a sign. A real sign, not the come-ons for overpriced Rolexes that blink across the screens of the Royal Promenade.

“Hey, tie your shoestring!” a pair of laughing ladies shout to me across the street.

“Thank you!” I shout back. Shoestring! “Thank you very much.”

A man in Independence Square Park comes by and asks if I want to play with his monkey. I haven’t heard that pickup line since the Penn Station of the 1980s. But then he pulls a real monkey out of a bag. The monkey is wearing a diaper and looks insane. Wonderful , I think, just wonderful! There is so much life here. I email my editor asking if I can remain on St. Kitts and allow the Icon to sail off into the horizon without me. I have even priced a flight home at less than $300, and I have enough material from the first four days on the cruise to write the entire story. “It would be funny …” my editor replies. “Now get on the boat.”

As I slink back to the ship after my brief jailbreak, the locals stand under umbrellas to gaze at and photograph the boat that towers over their small capital city. The limousines of the prime minister and his lackeys are parked beside the gangway. St. Kitts, I’ve been told, is one of the few islands that would allow a ship of this size to dock.

“We hear about all the waterslides,” a sweet young server in one of the cafés told me. “We wish we could go on the ship, but we have to work.”

“I want to stay on your island,” I replied. “I love it here.”

But she didn’t understand how I could possibly mean that.

“WASHY, WASHY, so you don’t get stinky, stinky!” kids are singing outside the AquaDome, while their adult minders look on in disapproval, perhaps worried that Mr. Washy Washy is grooming them into a life of gayness. I heard a southern couple skip the buffet entirely out of fear of Mr. Washy Washy.

Meanwhile, I have found a new watering hole for myself, the Swim & Tonic, the biggest swim-up bar on any cruise ship in the world. Drinking next to full-size, nearly naked Americans takes away one’s own self-consciousness. The men have curvaceous mom bodies. The women are equally un-shy about their sprawling physiques.

Today I’ve befriended a bald man with many children who tells me that all of the little trinkets that Royal Caribbean has left us in our staterooms and suites are worth a fortune on eBay. “Eighty dollars for the water bottle, 60 for the lanyard,” the man says. “This is a cult.”

“Tell me about it,” I say. There is, however, a clientele for whom this cruise makes perfect sense. For a large middle-class family (he works in “supply chains”), seven days in a lower-tier cabin—which starts at $1,800 a person—allow the parents to drop off their children in Surfside, where I imagine many young Filipina crew members will take care of them, while the parents are free to get drunk at a swim-up bar and maybe even get intimate in their cabin. Cruise ships have become, for a certain kind of hardworking family, a form of subsidized child care.

There is another man I would like to befriend at the Swim & Tonic, a tall, bald fellow who is perpetually inebriated and who wears a necklace studded with little rubber duckies in sunglasses, which, I am told, is a sort of secret handshake for cruise aficionados. Tomorrow, I will spend more time with him, but first the ship docks at St. Thomas, in the U.S. Virgin Islands. Charlotte Amalie, the capital, is more charming in name than in presence, but I still all but jump off the ship to score a juicy oxtail and plantains at the well-known Petite Pump Room, overlooking the harbor. From one of the highest points in the small city, the Icon of the Seas appears bigger than the surrounding hills.

I usually tan very evenly, but something about the discombobulation of life at sea makes me forget the regular application of sunscreen. As I walk down the streets of Charlotte Amalie in my fluorescent Icon of the Seas cap, an old Rastafarian stares me down. “Redneck,” he hisses.

“No,” I want to tell him, as I bring a hand up to my red neck, “that’s not who I am at all. On my island, Mannahatta, as Whitman would have it, I am an interesting person living within an engaging artistic milieu. I do not wish to use the Caribbean as a dumping ground for the cruise-ship industry. I love the work of Derek Walcott. You don’t understand. I am not a redneck. And if I am, they did this to me.” They meaning Royal Caribbean? Its passengers? The Rands?

“They did this to me!”

Back on the Icon, some older matrons are muttering about a run-in with passengers from the Celebrity cruise ship docked next to us, the Celebrity Apex. Although Celebrity Cruises is also owned by Royal Caribbean, I am made to understand that there is a deep fratricidal beef between passengers of the two lines. “We met a woman from the Apex,” one matron says, “and she says it was a small ship and there was nothing to do. Her face was as tight as a 19-year-old’s, she had so much surgery.” With those words, and beneath a cloudy sky, humidity shrouding our weathered faces and red necks, we set sail once again, hopefully in the direction of home.

THERE ARE BARELY 48 HOURS LEFT to the cruise, and the Icon of the Seas’ passengers are salty. They know how to work the elevators. They know the Washy Washy song by heart. They understand that the chicken gyro at “Feta Mediterranean,” in the AquaDome Market, is the least problematic form of chicken on the ship.

The passengers have shed their INAUGURAL CRUISE T-shirts and are now starting to evince political opinions. There are caps pledging to make America great again and T-shirts that celebrate words sometimes attributed to Patrick Henry: “The Constitution is not an instrument for the government to restrain the people; it is an instrument for the people to restrain the government.” With their preponderance of FAMILY FLAG FAITH FRIENDS FIREARMS T-shirts, the tables by the crepe station sometimes resemble the Capitol Rotunda on January 6. The Real Anthony Fauci , by Robert F. Kennedy Jr., appears to be a popular form of literature, especially among young men with very complicated versions of the American flag on their T-shirts. Other opinions blend the personal and the political. “Someone needs to kill Washy guy, right?” a well-dressed man in the elevator tells me, his gray eyes radiating nothing. “Just beat him to death. Am I right?” I overhear the male member of a young couple whisper, “There goes that freak” as I saunter by in my white spa robe, and I decide to retire it for the rest of the cruise.

I visit the Royal Bling to see up close the $100,000 golden chalice that entitles you to free drinks on Royal Caribbean forever. The pleasant Serbian saleslady explains that the chalice is actually gold-plated and covered in white zirconia instead of diamonds, as it would otherwise cost $1 million. “If you already have everything,” she explains, “this is one more thing you can get.”

I believe that anyone who works for Royal Caribbean should be entitled to immediate American citizenship. They already speak English better than most of the passengers and, per the Serbian lady’s sales pitch above, better understand what America is as well. Crew members like my Panamanian cabin attendant seem to work 24 hours a day. A waiter from New Delhi tells me that his contract is six months and three weeks long. After a cruise ends, he says, “in a few hours, we start again for the next cruise.” At the end of the half a year at sea, he is allowed a two-to-three-month stay at home with his family. As of 2019, the median income for crew members was somewhere in the vicinity of $20,000, according to a major business publication. Royal Caribbean would not share the current median salary for its crew members, but I am certain that it amounts to a fraction of the cost of a Royal Bling gold-plated, zirconia-studded chalice.

And because most of the Icon’s hyper-sanitized spaces are just a frittata away from being a Delta lounge, one forgets that there are actual sailors on this ship, charged with the herculean task of docking it in port. “Having driven 100,000-ton aircraft carriers throughout my career,” retired Admiral James G. Stavridis, the former NATO Supreme Allied Commander Europe, writes to me, “I’m not sure I would even know where to begin with trying to control a sea monster like this one nearly three times the size.” (I first met Stavridis while touring Army bases in Germany more than a decade ago.)

Today, I decide to head to the hot tub near Swim & Tonic, where some of the ship’s drunkest reprobates seem to gather (the other tubs are filled with families and couples). The talk here, like everywhere else on the ship, concerns football, a sport about which I know nothing. It is apparent that four teams have recently competed in some kind of finals for the year, and that two of them will now face off in the championship. Often when people on the Icon speak, I will try to repeat the last thing they said with a laugh or a nod of disbelief. “Yes, 20-yard line! Ha!” “Oh my God, of course, scrimmage.”

Soon we are joined in the hot tub by the late-middle-age drunk guy with the duck necklace. He is wearing a bucket hat with the legend HAWKEYES , which, I soon gather, is yet another football team. “All right, who turned me in?” Duck Necklace says as he plops into the tub beside us. “I get a call in the morning,” he says. “It’s security. Can you come down to the dining room by 10 a.m.? You need to stay away from the members of this religious family.” Apparently, the gregarious Duck Necklace had photobombed the wrong people. There are several families who present as evangelical Christians or practicing Muslims on the ship. One man, evidently, was not happy that Duck Necklace had made contact with his relatives. “It’s because of religious stuff; he was offended. I put my arm around 20 people a day.”

Everyone laughs. “They asked me three times if I needed medication,” he says of the security people who apparently interrogated him in full view of others having breakfast.

Another hot-tub denizen suggests that he should have asked for fentanyl. After a few more drinks, Duck Necklace begins to muse about what it would be like to fall off the ship. “I’m 62 and I’m ready to go,” he says. “I just don’t want a shark to eat me. I’m a huge God guy. I’m a Bible guy. There’s some Mayan theory squaring science stuff with religion. There is so much more to life on Earth.” We all nod into our Red Stripes.

“I never get off the ship when we dock,” he says. He tells us he lost $6,000 in the casino the other day. Later, I look him up, and it appears that on land, he’s a financial adviser in a crisp gray suit, probably a pillar of his North Chicago community.

THE OCEAN IS TEEMING with fascinating life, but on the surface it has little to teach us. The waves come and go. The horizon remains ever far away.

I am constantly told by my fellow passengers that “everybody here has a story.” Yes, I want to reply, but everybody everywhere has a story. You, the reader of this essay, have a story, and yet you’re not inclined to jump on a cruise ship and, like Duck Necklace, tell your story to others at great pitch and volume. Maybe what they’re saying is that everybody on this ship wants to have a bigger, more coherent, more interesting story than the one they’ve been given. Maybe that’s why there’s so much signage on the doors around me attesting to marriages spent on the sea. Maybe that’s why the Royal Caribbean newsletter slipped under my door tells me that “this isn’t a vacation day spent—it’s bragging rights earned.” Maybe that’s why I’m so lonely.

Today is a big day for Icon passengers. Today the ship docks at Royal Caribbean’s own Bahamian island, the Perfect Day at CocoCay. (This appears to be the actual name of the island.) A comedian at the nightclub opined on what his perfect day at CocoCay would look like—receiving oral sex while learning that his ex-wife had been killed in a car crash (big laughter). But the reality of the island is far less humorous than that.

One of the ethnic tristate ladies in the infinity pool told me that she loved CocoCay because it had exactly the same things that could be found on the ship itself. This proves to be correct. It is like the Icon, but with sand. The same tired burgers, the same colorful tubes conveying children and water from Point A to B. The same swim-up bar at its Hideaway ($140 for admittance, no children allowed; Royal Caribbean must be printing money off its clientele). “There was almost a fight at The Wizard of Oz ,” I overhear an elderly woman tell her companion on a chaise lounge. Apparently one of the passengers began recording Royal Caribbean’s intellectual property and “three guys came after him.”

I walk down a pathway to the center of the island, where a sign reads DO NOT ENTER: YOU HAVE REACHED THE BOUNDARY OF ADVENTURE . I hear an animal scampering in the bushes. A Royal Caribbean worker in an enormous golf cart soon chases me down and takes me back to the Hideaway, where I run into Mrs. Rand in a bikini. She becomes livid telling me about an altercation she had the other day with a woman over a towel and a deck chair. We Suites have special towel privileges; we do not have to hand over our SeaPass Card to score a towel. But the Rands are not Suites. “People are so entitled here,” Mrs. Rand says. “It’s like the airport with all its classes.” “You see,” I want to say, “this is where your husband’s love of Ayn Rand runs into the cruelties and arbitrary indignities of unbridled capitalism.” Instead we make plans to meet for a final drink in the Schooner Bar tonight (the Rands will stand me up).

Back on the ship, I try to do laps, but the pool (the largest on any cruise ship, naturally) is fully trashed with the detritus of American life: candy wrappers, a slowly dissolving tortilla chip, napkins. I take an extra-long shower in my suite, then walk around the perimeter of the ship on a kind of exercise track, past all the alluring lifeboats in their yellow-and-white livery. Maybe there is a dystopian angle to the HBO series that I will surely end up pitching, one with shades of WALL-E or Snowpiercer . In a collapsed world, a Royal Caribbean–like cruise liner sails from port to port, collecting new shipmates and supplies in exchange for the precious energy it has on board. (The actual Icon features a new technology that converts passengers’ poop into enough energy to power the waterslides . In the series, this shitty technology would be greatly expanded.) A very young woman (18? 19?), smart and lonely, who has only known life on the ship, walks along the same track as I do now, contemplating jumping off into the surf left by its wake. I picture reusing Duck Necklace’s words in the opening shot of the pilot. The girl is walking around the track, her eyes on the horizon; maybe she’s highborn—a Suite—and we hear the voice-over: “I’m 19 and I’m ready to go. I just don’t want a shark to eat me.”

Before the cruise is finished, I talk to Mr. Washy Washy, or Nielbert of the Philippines. He is a sweet, gentle man, and I thank him for the earworm of a song he has given me and for keeping us safe from the dreaded norovirus. “This is very important to me, getting people to wash their hands,” he tells me in his burger getup. He has dreams, as an artist and a performer, but they are limited in scope. One day he wants to dress up as a piece of bacon for the morning shift.

THE MAIDEN VOYAGE OF THE TITANIC (the Icon of the Seas is five times as large as that doomed vessel) at least offered its passengers an exciting ending to their cruise, but when I wake up on the eighth day, all I see are the gray ghosts that populate Miami’s condo skyline. Throughout my voyage, my writer friends wrote in to commiserate with me. Sloane Crosley, who once covered a three-day spa mini-cruise for Vogue , tells me she felt “so very alone … I found it very untethering.” Gideon Lewis-Kraus writes in an Instagram comment: “When Gary is done I think it’s time this genre was taken out back and shot.” And he is right. To badly paraphrase Adorno: After this, no more cruise stories. It is unfair to put a thinking person on a cruise ship. Writers typically have difficult childhoods, and it is cruel to remind them of the inherent loneliness that drove them to writing in the first place. It is also unseemly to write about the kind of people who go on cruises. Our country does not provide the education and upbringing that allow its citizens an interior life. For the creative class to point fingers at the large, breasty gentlemen adrift in tortilla-chip-laden pools of water is to gather a sour harvest of low-hanging fruit.

A day or two before I got off the ship, I decided to make use of my balcony, which I had avoided because I thought the view would only depress me further. What I found shocked me. My suite did not look out on Central Park after all. This entire time, I had been living in the ship’s Disneyland, Surfside, the neighborhood full of screaming toddlers consuming milkshakes and candy. And as I leaned out over my balcony, I beheld a slight vista of the sea and surf that I thought I had been missing. It had been there all along. The sea was frothy and infinite and blue-green beneath the span of a seagull’s wing. And though it had been trod hard by the world’s largest cruise ship, it remained.

This article appears in the May 2024 print edition with the headline “A Meatball at Sea.” When you buy a book using a link on this page, we receive a commission. Thank you for supporting The Atlantic.

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Live updates, vacation horror as ‘drunk’ son, 20, jumps from royal caribbean cruise in front of family.

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A cruise turned into a nightmare for people aboard Royal Caribbean’s Liberty of the Seas when a young man jumped overboard shortly after 4 a.m. Thursday.

The 18-story ship was sailing between Cuba and the Bahamas’ Grand Inagua Island when the as-yet-unidentified man jumped off one of the decks.

According to onlookers, his father and brother watched helplessly as he leaped over the side.

Some passengers said it appeared to be an impulsive, spur-of-the-moment decision. 

“I had hung out with him and his brother in the hot tub until 3:30,” passenger Bryan Sims tells The Post. ” It was standing room only. He sat right beside me the whole time.”

“He was pretty drunk,” Sims continues.

“As we were walking from the hot tub back to the elevators, his dad and brother were walking towards us. His dad was fussing at him for being drunk, I guess.” “When we got to them, he said to his dad, ‘I’ll fix this right now.’ And he jumped out the window in front of us all.” 

“There was a lot of yelling, and the crew was alerted immediately,” another passenger,  Deborah Morrison, told The Post.

“His family was horrified. Just beside themselves. I can’t even begin to imagine what they’re going through.”

“It was insane,” says Sims. “It was just surreal.” 

In a statement to The Post, Royal Caribbean said its crew immediately sprang into action following the incident.

“The ship’s crew immediately launched a search and rescue effort alongside the US Coast Guard, who has taken over the search,” the statement reads.

“Our Care Team is providing support and assistance to the guest’s family during this difficult time. For the privacy of the guest and their family, we have no additional details to share.”

News of the apparent suicide attempt quickly spread among the guests — and many of them tried to help in any way they could.

“The early morning was definitely somber as so many people came out of their cabins to stare at the sea, hoping to be able to aid in finding the person,” said Amy Phelps Fouse, a passenger on the ship.

“Royal Caribbean has been excellent at communicating updates throughout the day,” Fouse continued. “They have asked that people act with compassion in light of the tragic situation.”

Overboard incidents on cruise ships are rare.

According to the Washington Post , about 386 people were reported to have gone overboard on the major cruise lines between 2000 to 2020.

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The incidents, whether accidental or intentional, are often deadly.

In the past few years, most cruise lines have enacted onboard safety measures and surveillance systems to help reduce the risk of overboard deaths.

The Coast Guard confirmed to The Post it is still conducting a search and rescue operation in the waters off Cuba. The man has not yet been found.

If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts or are experiencing a mental health crisis and live in New York City, you can call 1-888-NYC-WELL for free and confidential crisis counseling. If you live outside the five boroughs, you can dial the 24/7 National Suicide Prevention hotline at 988 or go to  SuicidePreventionLifeline.org .

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