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15+ Royal Caribbean Tips, Tricks, and Things to Know

Looking for cruise tips on sailing Royal Caribbean? You’ve come to the right place. The cruise line is among the largest — and most loved — in the world.

That popularity is for good reason. While any cruise line can give you a great vacation, Royal Caribbean is at the cutting edge of what’s possible on a cruise ship. Ice-skating? Bumper cars? Robotic bartenders? It’s all on Royal Caribbean.

Not only does the cruise line push the envelope of amenities, but it also does the same with the size of their ships. For example, its Oasis-class vessels are the largest cruise ships on the planet. Huge ships may not be everyone’s liking, but they do offer the size and space to give something to do for everyone.

Whether you have a small kid that wants to play in a splash pad, or a teen that wants to zipline across the ship or ride the Flowrider standing wave, or you’re an adult that wants special adults-only spots to relax, Royal Caribbean can cater to anyone’s tastes.

In other words, no matter who you are, you’re able to have a great time.

Still, if you’ve never sailed the cruise line before (or even if you have!), there’s plenty to know that can make your vacation better and even save you money. Below, we have our top tips for sailing Royal Caribbean and making sure you have a great vacation.

Note: Want more tips for cruising in general? See our 107 Best Cruise Tips, Tricks, Secrets, and Freebies .

Lost in the Hall? Look at the Room Markers for Forward and Aft

When you’re in the windowless cabin hallways, there aren’t any landmarks to tell you which way you’re headed. Walking toward the back of the ship looks the exact same as walking to the front. To help you out, Royal Caribbean gives a clue with the room markers.

It may be a small arrow pointing forward or an image of the ship, which points to the front of the vessel. Also common is a “wave” room marker. If you have one of these on your ship, the higher part of the wave points the way forward.

These small clues can help you from wasting time and energy walking in the wrong direction to where you want to go.

A “Free” Cabana at Coco Beach Club? Technically…

CocoCay is Royal Caribbean’s extremely popular private island. While the island is free to enjoy, within CocoCay is a more exclusive area called Coco Beach Club. This spot has limited entry, a private beach, infinity pool, restaurant, and more. Admission to the club during a recent cruise was about $200 per adult, although it can vary widely.

Within the club, there are also cabanas to rent. The over-the-water cabanas run $1,899, but the beach cabanas are a little cheaper at $1,499. (Prices may vary based on when you sail.)

In the fine print, it says admission to Coco Beach Club for up to eight people is included with the cabana rental. Do the math, and you can see that eight people paying $200 each would mean paying $1,600 for admission alone. But rent a beach cabana instead and, assuming you have a group of eight, you’d get $100 off the entry cost for the entire group, and essentially get the cabana for free.

If you have fewer people, or admission is less during your cruise, then the math may not work out. Still, it’s worth looking into.

Buy Packages Beforehand to Save Money

Of course the best way to save the most money is to not buy anything at all. But where’s the fun in that? Once on the ship, the average cruise passenger spends hundreds of dollars on everything from specialty restaurants to drinks to excursions and gambling. The costs can add up.

That’s why if you know you’re going to spend money — such as buying a drink package or Internet access — then you should look to buy packages online ahead of time. Royal Caribbean offers big discounts on many things if you simply buy them before you get on the ship. For example, we’ve seen drink packages being sold for buy one, get one 50% off.

To be sure, you can sometimes find these deals on the ship as well, but they are widely available online. Plus, if you buy them before you board, then you can start to enjoy them the moment you get on the ship instead of having to purchase when you are ready to start your vacation.

Read more tips about Royal Caribbean’s drink package here .

Older Ships Can Save Lots of Money

Cruising can be a tremendous value for what you get, but that doesn’t mean it is cheap. Cruises easily run into the thousands of dollars. If you want to save money sailing on Royal Caribbean, then look to some of the older ships in the fleet.

The cruise line is known for having the biggest and most ground-breaking ships, but these newest ships are also the most expensive. After all, when a new ship is making headlines, there is plenty of demand, pushing up prices.

Older ships are still well-maintained and have tons of features found on the newest ships. Even so, these older vessels can cost dramatically less money to sail. It’s not unusual to find similar trips on older ships costing hundreds less than those on the newest ships in the fleet.

Newer, Larger Ships Are Something Else Entirely

We’ve personally sailed a number of ships aboard Royal Caribbean, ranging from older, smaller vessels all the way to the cruise line’s newest ship. To us, there is a big difference with larger and newer ships that we think is worth consideration.

With newer ships, you get the latest and greatest across the entire vessel. So from your cabin to the public spaces, you get everything nice and new. This also includes the latest restaurants, venues, and more. With the cruise line constantly improving, it can lead to a marked difference.

As well, the big constraint on a ship is space. So it makes sense that the largest ships in the fleet can offer the most of everything, including more entertainment and dining options. But just as important, there is also just more elbow room to spread out without feeling as cramped.

Get Up to $250 in Credit for Being a Shareholder

Are you an investor? Shares of the major cruise companies — including Royal Caribbean Group — are all publicly traded. You can actually own part of your favorite cruise line.

If you are an investor, you can also get a nice perk: free money. Anyone who owns a minimum of 100 shares of Royal Caribbean stock (Ticker: RCL) is eligible for onboard credit. A few weeks before your cruise, send the company proof of ownership and they will credit your account.

The credit you receive breaks down as the following:

• $50 onboard credit per stateroom for sailings of 5 nights or fewer
• $100 onboard credit per stateroom for sailings of 6-13 nights or fewer
• $250 onboard credit per stateroom for sailings of 14 nights or more

One thing to know is that more shares doesn’t equal more credit. So don’t think you can double the amount of credit by owning 200 shares!

Learn more about the shareholder benefit here .

Bring Drinks With You to Save Money

If you want to save a few bucks, then bring your own drinks with you. Royal Caribbean allows guests to board with a small amount of beverages.

First, no beer or liquor is allowed. But the cruise line does allow two bottles of wine or champagne per stateroom . Considering the cost of a glass of wine on a cruise ship, that can easily save you a decent chunk of change.

In addition, you are also allowed to bring on non-alcoholic drinks of anything you’d like . It just cannot be more than a dozen cans, bottles, or cartons per stateroom. The size limit is 17 ounces. So if you’re a Coke drinker or like having sparkling water, you can bring on a dozen drinks and avoid the charge for these items on the ship.

Passports Can Save Lots of Time on Royal Caribbean

Royal Caribbean is one of the most technologically-savvy cruise lines and is always looking for ways to use the latest tech to make cruising easier and more fun. If you have a passport, that focus on technology can save you from one of the biggest pains in cruising.

Normally when you get off a cruise ship, it means waiting in long lines as the Customs and Border Patrol officer checks your documents before you are allowed to leave. In major ports, Royal Caribbean terminals usually have scanning stations for those with passports.

Here, you just scan your passport, take a photo and then you are on your way. (Sometimes you don’t even have to scan your passport. You just take a photo and walk out.)

Now many passengers can get through the terminal with barely breaking stride. If you sail with a birth certificate, you may still need to wait in line.

Share the Internet Package to Save Cash

Internet on the ship is available, making it easy to stay in touch back home or even work from the ship if you need to do so.

However, the price of getting online can be expensive. Royal Caribbean’s VOOM service has two different levels of service with two different prices. Either way, expect to spend about $15-20 per day.

At the base level, one person can use the service, and the price rises as you add more logins. So a family sailing with access for four devices at a time will pay much more than someone paying for only one or two logins.

One way to save is to just purchase access for one device and then share it among family members. You’ll have a login and anyone can use their own device. So mom can sign-in from the laptop and check email, followed by the kids on their phones. It’s just that only one device at a time can be connected.

Considering you don’t really need to be connected 24/7 while on vacation, sharing a login is an easy way to save money.

Drink and Internet Packages Work on CocoCay

Wondering if a drink package is worth the money? One thing to know is that the package is for every day of the cruise. So you pay for it, even if the ship is in port and you are out enjoying yourself all day. That means it’s much harder to get your money’s worth on a cruise where the ship has a lot of ports of call since you’ll have more time you won’t be able to use the package.

But with the cruise line’s private island — CocoCay — there is a nice perk. Drink packages extend to the island. You can use them just like you would on the ship. There are bars dotted all around the island, just like onboard.

The same goes for Internet packages as well. If you buy access for your cruise, it will work on the island while you visit. So you can stay connected even while you are relaxing on the beach.

Get to the Pool Early on CocoCay

Another tip if you’re sailing to CocoCay is to visit the pool early if you plan to enjoy hanging out beside it.

CocoCay has an enormous pool called Oasis Lagoon. The pool winds around with a number of coves and is one of the most popular spots for passengers to hang out. Surrounding the entire pool are lots of loungers and umbrellas.

If you know that you’ll want to be hang out by the pool, then we suggest going earlier in the day or later in the afternoon. Despite so many chairs, the popularity of the pool means finding a couple of chairs together that aren’t taken can be more difficult during the peak of the day. (There are usually plenty of single chairs available.)

See more CocoCay tips and things to know here .

Don’t Double-Pay Gratuities

Gratuity is a part of life on a cruise ship. You’ll be charged a set daily amount per person, per day on the ship that goes to your room steward, dining staff, and others.

But that’s not the only place where you will see gratuity charged. Anything service related — from getting a drink to a massage to eating at a specialty restaurant — will also have a gratuity added on automatically of 18%.

So a $10 cocktail at the bar is actually charged $11.80 when you see the bill. Be careful as there is a line for additional gratuity on your receipt. If you’re feeling generous then by all means add on a little more, but it’s not required as you’ve already paid once.

Be Aware of Dynamic Pricing

Royal Caribbean likes to use something called “dynamic pricing” on many things, and it can be frustrating for passengers planning ahead. What dynamic pricing means is that some items have prices that fluctuate based on your specific cruise. So a person sailing on a cruise might pay $65 per day for the drink package while someone on the next trip is charged $75.

You’ll see dynamic prices in play on drink packages, but we’ve also seen in on admission into Thrill Waterpark on CocoCay. There, we’ve seen prices ranging from less than $60 per person all the way up to over $100 per person , depending on the cruise.

There’s nothing you can really do about the prices set by the cruise line. However, it is good to know that there is no set price for a number of things onboard so you don’t judge what you pay versus what someone else does.

Want to Get Some Sun in Peace? Head Forward or Aft… or to the Solarium

Where else would you want to be on a beautiful day at sea than on the pool deck, getting some sun?

Well, thousands of others on the ship have a similar idea. The result is that the pool area can be packed on the gorgeous sea days. Between all the people and the music, it can actually be a bit hectic and not relaxing at all. Luckily, Royal Caribbean has massive pool decks that offer lounge space well beyond the pool area. Heading forward or aft can see the crowds thin out considerably, offering a much more relaxing place to get some sun.

As well, ships have solariums that are adults-only, giving you a chance to hang out by a pool without lots of kids running around.

Bring the Entire Medicine Cabinet

On a cruise, you (hopefully) don’t think about getting sick… or having a sunburn… or a stomachache… or a headache. Inevitably, however, there may be times that you don’t feel tip-top.

In that case, you want to be prepared for anything that might come up. We suggest bringing a number of treatments from home.

Royal Caribbean offers a small store on every ship that sells tons of toiletries, medicines, and more. Sometimes there are even automated vending machines that make it easy to find what you want. So the good news is if you need something, you should be able to get it on the ship. The bad news is that all these items can be expensive.

For example, we’ve seen bottles of DayQuil for $18, a pack of dental floss selling for $5.25, and a bottle of sunscreen for $15.

Go ahead and pack anything you might need. And if you do get in a pinch? Ports often have a small pharmacy or shop that can meet your needs for less than the price on the ship.

Check the Elevators for What Day It Is

Cruising completely takes you out of your normal routine. There’s no more weekdays and weekends. All the days can blend together.

If you’re lost on what day it is, then all you need to do is look at your feet when in an elevator on the ship. Royal Caribbean puts in a plate in the floor of each elevator that tells you the day of the week.

It’s a small touch, but it is a nice way to keep up with exactly how long you’ve been on the ship… and how much longer before it’s time to go home.

Buffet Item on a Plate? Grab It Yourself. Otherwise, Staff Will Serve Food

With new protocols put in place following the health crisis, it can be difficult to know at first what’s allowed and what’s not. The good news is that for the most part cruising is the same as it was before the pause, but there are some changes. Case in point: the buffet.

What you’ll find now is that passengers are no longer allowed to serve themselves in buffets. This is to keep touchpoints to a minimum. The staff will serve you anything that needs to be dished up, but there are also lots of individually plated items. 

If an item is on its own plate, then that means you can just grab it since you won’t be touching anything other than your dish. Otherwise, let the staff serve it for you.

Want to Ride North Star? It’s Free in Port

North Star is an attraction on Royal Caribbean’s Quantum-class ships. It’s an observation pod that can fit about a dozen people at a time. You board, and then the large arm rises up in the air, giving you an unmatched view of the ship and the surrounding area.

If you’re on the ship and it’s underway, then there is a charge to ride the North Star. At last mention, it was $29. However, if you are in port, then on a recent trip we were told it was free to ride. The difference is that at sea, the ride lasts longer and will take you up and then out over the water. In port, it just goes straight up and down.

Related Articles:

• 21+ Tips & Things to Know for Perfect Day at CocoCay (Prices, What to Do, And More)

Worth It? Complete Guide to Royal Caribbean’s Drink Package

• Complete Guide to Sailing Royal Caribbean (What It’s Like)

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53 Royal Caribbean Tips and Tricks You Need to Know

If you’re searching for Royal Caribbean cruise hacks and tips, you’re in the right spot! Whether you’re a first-time cruiser or a seasoned pro, our Royal Caribbean tricks and secrets below are for you. After booking a vacation on one of the Royal Caribbean cruise ships, you can easily feel overwhelmed with all the information and planning tools available.

Because of this, we created an extensive list of our favorite cruise tips when sailing with Royal Caribbean Cruise Line. Whether you’re looking for Royal Caribbean tips for saving money, packing, cruising with toddlers, or more, the list below is full of insightful tricks and hacks you won’t want to miss. So, continue reading our Royal Caribbean tips for first time cruisers (and experienced travelers) below!

1. Choose the right ship.

Make sure you research the Royal Caribbean ship you want to book before making a reservation. I have seen so many families choose their cruises based on the best deals they can find. This sometimes results in them realizing (too late) that their ship doesn’t offer baby splash zones or other kid-friendly activities. 

While most of the Royal Caribbean ships include all kinds of entertainment options and activities for the whole family to enjoy, some of the smaller, older ships may not offer as many exciting features. So, make sure you research the items important to you before booking a ship.

2. Bid on RoyalUp.

Royal Caribbean offers a great opportunity for guests to bid on an upgraded room category through their Royal Up program. Guests often receive an email from RoyalUP that includes a list of higher level staterooms. You can bid on an upgraded cabin, and, if your bid is accepted, you’ll be moved to the more desirable stateroom. This is a great option for those cruisers who would love to experience a suite or balcony room for a discounted price. You can read all about how to upgrade your cabin in our post on the Royal Caribbean Royal Up Program .

3. Book a room you like.

Since the RoyalUp program is not a guaranteed upgrade, we highly recommend booking a cruise cabin that you like from the start. If sailing in a room with a balcony is a must for your family, make sure you book one of these rooms. Upgrading your room through RoyalUp or at the port is not a sure thing. In fact, many would argue that RoyalUp bids are rarely accepted. So, we recommend always booking a room you are completely happy with.

4. Include suite perks in calculations.

The Royal Caribbean suites come with higher prices; however, they also include benefits. Depending on which suite level you are considering, make sure you factor in the price of the suite’s perks. The Star Class suites include extra suite benefits like the Deluxe Beverage Package, Ultimate Dining Package, Internet Package, and more. Those items can really add up. So, if you plan to purchase extra packages anyway, the suites may not cost as much as you think.

5. Choose an itinerary that includes CocoCay.

My family and I are suckers for a private island, and Royal Caribbean’s Coco Cay is no exception. This beautiful island in the Bahamas features fun activities, gorgeous beaches, and delicious dining options. Plus, most of the restaurants on Royal Caribbean’s private island are included in your initial cruise fare.

If you purchased the Deluxe Drink Package, this is also included on CocoCay. Therefore, choosing a cruise itinerary that visits CocoCay can actually save you money since you won’t need to purchase excursions, food, or beverages on the island unless you really want to.

6. Check cruise port schedules.

We like to check the cruise port schedules before our trips to determine how many ships are scheduled to be in port. This is something I also do prior to booking the cruise, especially if I’m torn between a few different itineraries. You can use different websites like Cruisemapper to search for the date and port your ship is scheduled for.

You will also find a list of any other ships that are booked at that port on that day. This is especially useful for ports like CocoCay because it can help you determine how busy the island may be on your visit. If you can’t decide between two different itineraries, check out the port schedules to see which sailing offers the least busy ports.

7. Make a packing list.

We suggest starting a cruise packing list immediately after booking your trip. This allows you to keep random items that come to mind in a collective spot once it’s time to actually do the packing. I also like to come up with a daily itinerary for the trip that includes any activity we may want to experience.

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Then, I go through and add items needed for each activity. For example, if I jot down “ice skating” on Day 2, I would add long pants and socks to my packing list since these are required. I recently created a printable version of my cruise planner and packing list that you can find on Etsy.

This planner includes pages for comparing parts of your trip, creating daily itineraries, organizing budgets, and more! Since Royal Caribbean ships do not offer self service laundry facilities, it’s even more important to make sure you pack accordingly.

8. Book Deck 8 on Oasis-class ships.

If you aren’t sure which deck to book and you’re cruising on an Oasis class ship, we highly recommend choosing Deck 8. This deck is located in the middle of the ship and offers easy access to the decks below and above. Additionally, Deck 8 is home to the Central Park neighborhood, which allows for a scenic stroll as you leave and return to your room. We also like the easy access Deck 8 provides to Park Cafe, Trellis Bar, and Vintages Wine Bar.

9. Purchase travel insurance.

We highly recommend purchasing travel insurance for your trip since cruise vacations consist of so many different elements. Buying travel insurance allows cruisers to have peace of mind that they won’t be responsible for the full cost of flights, hotels, cruise fare, excursions, etc. in the event that you have to cancel your trip.

10. Purchase the Deluxe Beverage Package for one.

This is a little known secret, but many cruisers aren’t aware that you can purchase the Deluxe Drink Package for only one person in your travel party. In the Online Cruise Planner, you’ll notice that if one person purchases the Deluxe Package, you must buy it for every cruiser in your room who is of legal drinking age.

However, you can call Royal Caribbean, and they will allow you to purchase the Deluxe Drink Package for just one person in your stateroom. This means that if a family member is pregnant or doesn’t drink alcohol, you do not have to buy the Deluxe Package for them. (Note that you will be required to purchase the Refreshment Package for that individual though.)

11. Check the cruise planner regularly.

If you choose to purchase the Internet Package or one of the beverage packages, make sure you check the Online Cruise Planner regularly for changes in price. Royal Caribbean sometimes runs sales offering deep discounts on these extras. You can cancel your package and rebook at the lower price if needed. This is also true of activities and excursions listed in the Online Cruise Planner. If you book a shore excursion or CocoCay cabana , check the Cruise Planner often to take advantage of any decrease in price you may find.

12. Print luggage tags.

Before your cruise, you’ll receive luggage tags that are available to print and attach to your bags. If you forget to do this, the porters will have luggage tags available at the port on embarkation day. However, printing the luggage tags before your trip allows you to save time on boarding day.

13. Reserve specialty dining ahead of time.

If you would like to enjoy certain specialty restaurants and do not want to purchase the Unlimited Dining Package, we recommend making dining reservations as soon as possible in the Online Cruise Planner. Many of the popular signature restaurants, like Izumi Hibachi, fill up fast months before the cruise. Because of this, we recommend making reservations for any restaurants you can prior to getting onboard.

14. Reserve shows ahead of time.

Royal Caribbean permits guests to make reservations for some shows before your cruise. On our most recent Oasis of the Seas cruise, we were able to book the Aqua Show, Ice Skating Show, Comedy Show and Cats before our trip. You can learn more about making reservations in our post on Booking Entertainment on Royal Caribbean .

15. Score an early boarding time.

When you complete online check-in prior to your cruise, you’ll be prompted to select a port arrival time. My family and I like to complete the online check in process as soon as it’s available since the highly coveted early times get taken fast. If you are able to secure an early port arrival time , you can arrive at the cruise terminal during your time slot. After going through security and check in, you’ll be one of the first passengers allowed to board the ship. This means that you will get to experience fewer crowds at dining venues, guest services, pools, and more.

16. Use packing cubes.

We love packing cubes for any vacation, but they especially come in handy on a cruise. These cubes come in different colors, so you can assign a shade to each family member. When unpacking your suitcase, just slide the cube into the drawers or shelves in your stateroom.

Once it’s time to pack up at the end of your trip, simply place the cubes back in your bags. These packing cubes take away the headache of sifting through clothes on a shelf. They also make it easy to reorganize items at the airport if one of your bags is overweight. You can find our favorite packing cubes in our printable cruise packing list .

17. Join the Facebook group for your sailing.

After booking your cruise, it’s a great idea to join the Facebook group for your sail date. Other cruisers in your group will offer all sorts of recommendations for hotels, excursions, restaurants, activities, etc. Additionally, you’ll find a lot of the members of the Facebook group are super helpful by alerting others when reservations open up among other useful things.

18. Fly in a day early.

If you aren’t able to drive to the cruise port for boarding day, we highly recommend flying in at least a day in advance. Flights are canceled and delayed so often these days, and you don’t want to take the chance of missing the cruise because of a flight. Even if you aren’t flying to/from an area where winter weather is an issue, Florida thunderstorms are no joke. Plus, even if you and your family are able to arrive at the port last minute, you’ll want to know that your luggage had plenty of time to make it too.

19. Board with an embarkation day bag.

Take a carry-on bag with you to board the ship. In addition to all the important travel documents you’ll want on hand, you may want to pack other necessities. Some of the items we pack in our embarkation day bag include chargers, seasickness remedies, sunscreen, prescription medicine, sunglasses, and cash for tips.

20. Wear swimsuits to board.

If you or your kids are looking forward to swimming onboard the cruise ship, there’s no better time than right after boarding. The pools are virtually empty, and the water slide lines aren’t long at all.My kids typically wear a bathing suit underneath their clothes so that they can enjoy the pools after lunch. Just make sure to pack undergarments in your carry-on bag in case your luggage isn’t yet in your room when you finish swimming.

21. Pack seasickness remedies.

As mentioned above, we make sure to pack seasickness remedies in our boarding day bag just in case we need them before our luggage arrives in our cabin. We like to use Bonine or Dramamine if we’re feeling really queasy. However, seasickness bands usually do the trick that first day.

22. Visit the shore excursions desk.

If you have a shore excursion booked through Royal Caribbean, make sure you visit the desk on Day 1 to make any special requests. On our most recent cruise, I visited the Shore Excursions area on Day 2 to request specific cabanas at Perfect Day at CocoCay. However, many of them had already been booked by others on our ship and by passengers on a different Royal ship that was going to be at CocoCay the same time as us. So, if you want to make requests for excursions, visit the desk as early in your trip as possible.

23. Don’t stress about Formal Night.

If you enjoy dressing up in formal wear, you’ll love the Dress Your Best night on the ships. Many of the cruisers get dolled up in gowns and tuxes for formal night photos. However, if dressing up isn’t your thing, don’t stress.

Lots of passengers don’t go all-out on formal nights. Instead, they wear nice clothes that you would see at church or at a restaurant. So, if you’re worried about packing and wearing tuxedos and ball gowns, don’t feel like it’s a must. We find that most of the men wear polo style or button down shirts and slacks. And a lot of the women wear sundresses.

24. Ask for a paper cruise compass.

When you meet your stateroom host on the first day, ask him/her to place a paper cruise compass in your room each day. Although the Royal Caribbean app provides lots of information on activity and entertainment schedules, we find the paper versions are much easier to read. The stateroom attendants used to put these in your room every night, but now you can request one if you prefer.

25. Order more than one item from room service.

If you choose to order a meal (other than continental breakfast items) from room service, note that you will be charged an estimated $8 service fee. This means you will pay $8 whether you order one meal or four meals from room service. Therefore, if you want to place a room service order, don’t feel like it’s cheaper to get fewer items. Also, don’t forget to factor in a tip for your order.

26. Pack a cruise power strip.

Even the newer Royal Caribbean ships may not offer enough charging stations for your devices. We recommend packing a cruise approved power strip to increase the number of available outlet spaces in the room. It’s important to purchase a cruise friendly power strip as Royal Caribbean will confiscate surge protectors and other devices.

27. Bring cash for tips.

Before your cruise, you will attach a credit card to your online account. Most of the extra items you purchase onboard the ship will be charged to this card. However, it’s important to bring cash to tip certain positions as well.

Some of the people you may want to tip on your cruise include your driver to/from the port, porters who handle your luggage, and bartenders. Additionally, there are times (bartenders and room service) that you can add the tip to your receipt. However, the crew members prefer to be tipped in cash whenever possible.

28. Make dining requests early.

If you have a special request for the main dining room, we suggest calling Royal Caribbean prior to your cruise to make a note of it. My sister and I linked our reservations on our most recent cruise with Royal. We assumed that our dining tables would be together since our reservations were linked.

However, after boarding, we realized that my sister’s family was assigned a table by themselves while my family was assigned to a table with two people we didn’t know. We attempted to correct this issue on boarding day, but the crew member in charge of dining seemed really overwhelmed.

He allowed us to share a standby table on the first night, but he made it clear that this wasn’t a permanent fix. Therefore, we highly recommend making a note on your reservation if you want a private table for only your family or if you have friends or family members you want to dine with.

29. Know your dining options.

The Royal Caribbean ships offer so many different dining options that deciding where to eat can feel overwhelming. Prior to your trip, become familiar with the Royal Caribbean restaurants on your particular ship. This way you know which restaurants are complimentary and which are available for an additional fee.

30. Open the balcony dividers.

If your family is sailing in two staterooms with connecting balconies, you can ask your stateroom attendant to remove the divider. This allows you to enjoy an even larger balcony space. My family and my sister’s family were able to enjoy this extra outdoor space when we booked junior suites next to each other on Oasis of the Seas. These connecting balconies also allowed our kids to move from one room to the other without having to go out into the hallway.

31. Complete the Muster Drill ahead of time.

Royal Caribbean has implemented a new procedure for completing the onboard muster drill. Guests can now watch the safety video via the Royal Caribbean app. This safety video is available well before your cruise begins. However, you cannot confirm that you watched it until the morning of your cruise.

We recommend having everyone in your family watch the short safety video prior to embarkation day. Then, on the morning of your cruise, go into the app and mark it as complete. You do not have to be at the cruise terminal in order to do this. We did it in our hotel. After boarding the ship, you should be able to find your muster station close by. The crew member at the station will mark off your family as having completed the muster drill.

32. Enjoy the little things.

Although you may leave the ship feeling that you didn’t get to experience everything you wanted, you will undoubtedly find enjoyable moments you didn’t expect as well. Some of the best experiences on vacation are those that are spur of the moment. For example, during our second formal night, we rode the elevator with a young man playing the piano.

This super talented individual played hit Disney songs as we rode up the elevator to our deck. To read more about fun activities we found on the ship, check out our post on 89 Fun and Free Things to Do on Oasis of the Seas .

33. Take the stairs.

Even though you will want to make an exception for an experience like the one mentioned above, we generally recommend taking the stairs on the cruise ship. This is especially true if you are sailing in one of the larger Royal Caribbean ships. These ships hold so many cruise passengers that the elevators often require long waits. If you’re willing and able to move between decks using the stairs, this will save you a lot of time.

34. Take activities to dinner.

If you are traveling with young kids, we suggest taking coloring books or small activities to the main dining room at dinner. The Royal Caribbean ships do not provide these during your meal. This is one of the differences we found when comparing Disney Cruise Line vs Royal Caribbean . In our experiences, the servers on the Royal Caribbean ships only provide coloring pages and crayons in the suites only restaurant, Coastal Kitchen.

35. Pack a drink caddy.

This is a super easy cruise hack that can save you a lot of stress. Either my husband or I left would leave our stateroom each morning to grab coffees at Park Cafe. These cups were often difficult to carry back to our room as they were hot and really full. We now cruise with a portable drink caddy that allows us to easily carry hot coffee or any other beverage around the ship.

36. Learn height restrictions.

If you’re cruising with smaller kids, we recommend familiarizing yourself with the age, weight, and height restrictions for various activities on the ship. This may save a lot of tears once onboard if your little one realizes she can’t ride the water slides or zip line. By learning the rules ahead of time, you can prepare your kids for what activities they can (and cannot) partake in.

37. Use magnetic hooks.

We like to pack magnetic hooks to use in our cruise cabin during each trip. The walls, doors, and ceilings are magnetic, which allows you to easily attach hooks to these places. You can then use the hooks to hang wet bathing suits, towels, jackets, etc. This is the best way to clear up some space in the bathroom and allowing swimsuits to dry.

38. Learn rules for activities.

Some of the onboard activities have specific rules that are important to know while you’re packing. For example, ice skating requires socks and long pants and laser tag requires close-toed shoes. Make a list of the activities you want to experience onboard and then determine if they have rules you need to remember while packing.

39. Bring a cardigan or jacket.

If you are cold natured, you may prefer to bring a cardigan or jacket with you to dinners. I personally find the restaurants, including the main dining room, to be quite chilly. Because of this, I travel with a light jacket or cardigan.

40. Don’t pack beach towels.

Royal Caribbean provides towels for guests on the pool deck. You will just need to check these out and return them to avoid any charges. On port days, you can also check out towels to take with you on any shore excursions provided that you bring them back.

41. Check your onboard account daily.

Speaking of pool towels, make sure you aren’t being wrongfully charged for not returning them. Many cruisers in our Facebook group found charges for pool towels on their onboard account even though they had brought them back. If you check your onboard account daily, you can find any incorrect charges and discuss them with Guest Services onboard the ship. They will easily remove the charges for you.

42. Request an early disembarkation time.

Toward the end of the cruise, you will receive instructions on how to disembark on the final morning of your trip. You will also be asked to choose a disembarkation time. We recommend choosing an earlier time so that you will be permitted to disembark when you are ready. Our family finished breakfast early and had to sit and wait a while for our disembarkation group to be called. This resulted in lots of wasted time, some chaos, and impatient kiddos. So, choose an earlier time so that you’re group able to disembark when they are ready.

43. Try the Royal Cheesecake.

I had to include this in my list of Royal Caribbean tips because I dream of this dessert at home. The Royal Cheesecake comes with your choice of chocolate, caramel, or strawberry toppings. I ordered it with all three, and it was the most delicious dessert I experienced on the ship!

44. Don’t sit in the front row.

If you are sailing on one of the Oasis-class ships that includes an aqua show, you may want to reconsider sitting in the front row of the Aqua Theater. The families we saw sitting up front got pretty wet during the performance. The kids seemed to love it though!

45. Wash your hands often.

You will find hand washing stations at the entrance to the buffet as well as sanitizer placed throughout the ship. We recommend using these every chance you get as well as thoroughly washing your kids’ hands.

46. Use the Royal Caribbean app.

The Royal Caribbean app is full of all kinds of important information. You can use it before the cruise to familiarize yourself with the deck plans, dining options, menus, activities, and more. Once on the ship, you can use the app to chat, see schedules, find activities, etc.

47. Don’t pack floaties.

Royal Caribbean provides life vests free to use on the pool decks and on their private islands. These are easy to grab and come in multiple sizes. Therefore, unless you prefer your own puddle jumper, don’t worry about packing floaties for your toddler.

48. Know the baby swim zones.

Families who are traveling with diapered children will want to learn the specific water play areas available for their kids. If your child is not fully potty trained, he will not be permitted to swim in the pools onboard.

This is a rule that applies to all major cruise lines. If a child has an accident in the pool water, the crew members have to drain the entire pool. This results in an inoperable swimming area for a large portion of the day. Many of the Royal Caribbean ships offer baby splash zones where diapered kids are permitted to splash and play.

49. Expect long lines for ice cream.

This may just be an issue on the larger Royal Caribbean ships, but I have never seen pool deck ice cream lines so long. This is especially true on sea days. 

50. Don’t wait until the last minute to pack.

This may only apply to my personal (slow) packing skills, but don’t wait until the last minute to pack up at the end of the trip. I have learned to start packing on Day 5 of a seven-night cruise.

With all the activities and entertainment available onboard, it’s hard to set aside time to pack up. But, if you plan to set your luggage outside your room the night before disembarking, you’ll need to have it packed and ready to go at the specified time. You don’t want to spend your last evening racing around the room trying to pack when you could be out enjoying the final moments of the trip.

51. Bring passports for easy debarking.

I’m not sure if this tip applies only to the Port of Miami or all the ports, but using passports to disembark saves a ton of time. When we got off of the ship in Miami, our family was able to speed through Customs by using the face recognition software they had available for passport carriers. Those families who were traveling with birth certificates had to stand in a separate (REALLY long) line in order to get through Customs. I would estimate that this saved us about half an hour after our trip.

52. Prepay gratuities.

If you like the feeling of an all inclusive vacation, you can prepay your gratuities before your trip. Like other major cruise lines, Royal Caribbean adds automatic gratuities to your onboard account each day of your trip. These daily gratuities go to your stateroom attendant and dining staff. If you do not like to receive a large bill at the end of the cruise, you can prepay the tips prior to your trip.

53. Feel free to add additional tips.

The crew members onboard the ships work so hard during each sailing to keep the passengers happy. If you come across a specific worker who is providing outstanding service, you can tip them in addition to the daily gratuity charge. This is a good way to show your appreciation for their hard work.

Overall, we know you will have an amazing time on your Royal Caribbean cruise vacation! We have found that the more we plan and prepare prior to the trip, the more we are able to relax and enjoy ourselves onboard. Hopefully our list of Royal Caribbean tips and tricks is helpful to you. We tried to cover as many areas as possible from planning and boarding to gratuities and activities.

If you have any questions that weren’t answered above, please feel free to comment below. And don’t forget to share your own advice! For a detailed account of my family’s latest Royal Caribbean cruise, check out our Review of Oasis of the Seas . What are your favorite Royal Caribbean tips or hacks? Comment below to share with us!

Shari is an experienced planner and organizer for Disney vacations, cruising, and U.S. travel. Her family vacation information, reviews, and tips provide insight for moms and dads everywhere. You can read more about her story, including her journey through breast cancer, in the about me page.

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Our Best Royal Caribbean Cruise Tips And Tricks (2024)

Posted on Published: 03/09/2023

Cruising can be such a relaxing vacation as well as so much fun. With all of your meals and the fun activities on the ship, easily accessible and planned, you won’t have to do much work once you are on vacation. Many ships also have an abundance of kids’ activities including kids’ clubs that can keep your kids entertained and active.

However, to have the best time that you can have on a cruise, you’ll need to do some advance planning. You won’t be able to do much shopping for things you’ve forgotten, and some things are best planned early.

Are you sailing on Royal Caribbean Cruise Line? Here are our best Royal Caribbean Cruise Tips and Tricks including information about Royal Caribbean Royal Up, guides on what to buy, and what to do before you go. Plan in advance and relax once you are on board.

Disclosure: We have attended complimentary media sailings on Royal Caribbean, but have also paid in full for our own six-day cruise. All opinions are my own. This post contains affiliate links and purchase/click through one of these links may result in a commission paid to us.

Check prices and book your cruise here .

Our Best Royal Caribbean Cruise Tips And Tricks

Booking your royal caribbean cruise.

There are so many different options on Royal Caribbean – including different Royal Caribbean ships, itineraries, ports, and lengths of cruise. Look at the various options and choose what will work best for your family.

Make sure to review the ports of call, because those are a big part of your vacation. For a longer cruise, you definitely will want to get off the ship at these stops on your cruise itinerary.

Once you find the date and the ship, you’ll need to select the best stateroom. I generally recommend getting a balcony, because you’ll probably use it during your trip. It’s a great place to sit and drink coffee in the morning and gives you a private place to watch the ocean.

Before Your Royal Caribbean Cruise – What To Do

Once you book your cruise, there are some things you’ll need to do in advance to prepare. Depending on your cruise ship, you may be able to use the Royal Caribbean app. It’s a great idea to download it to your family members’ cell phones and set it up in advance, if possible.

You can also set up your account on the Royal Caribbean website, using your confirmation number. Once you do that, you’ll have access to the Cruise Planner section of the website. There, you’ll be able to book some extras on your cruise.

Go through each option, and see if you want to include that with your sailing. These extras include meals at specialty restaurants, internet packages, a drink package, shore excursions, cabanas at Labadee and Coco Cay, and more. During our most recent sailing, there were lots of different sales on these things, so keep checking your email for deals.

Although many things can also be booked on the ship, there are a lot of benefits to advance planning. Prices are generally cheaper before your sailing (especially for things like the beverage package), and there’s also much more availability for specialty dining options. Save money by purchasing early.

If you do wait until you are on board, you will find staff members throughout the ship offering many of these add-ons. If you haven’t booked the specialty restaurants yet, this is the time to do it.

When you check in to your cruise, you’ll supply all essential information, including your passports. You’ll also want to put a credit card on file for your purchases. You can select which family members have charging privileges.

Royal Caribbean Beverage Package – Saving Money on Alcoholic Beverages

Considering the beverage package? Depending on how much you drink, it can be a great option.

It’s a good idea to look at the pricing and do the math to see if you’ll use it enough to make it worthwhile. You can use the beverage package at Royal Caribbean properties like Coco Cay and Labadee, but not at off-ship locations on port days.

Don’t drink alcoholic beverages and prefer non-alcoholic drinks? There are other drink packages as well. If you like soft drinks, there’s a soda package that includes a souvenir cup. There’s also a refreshment package that includes fountain soda, non-alcoholic beverages, still and sparkling water, fresh juices, and premium coffee and tea.

Royal Caribbean Dining – What You’ll Eat on the Cruise Ship

Every Royal Caribbean ship includes meals at many restaurants, including the main dining room and the buffet. You definitely won’t go hungry during your sailing, even if you don’t purchase any dining extras.

However, each ship also offers specialty dining for an additional fee. These themed restaurants can be a fantastic add-on to your vacation, especially if eating is a big part of your cruise experience.

Menus can be found on the Royal Caribbean app for many sailings (in advance), so you can check those before you book to make sure you will enjoy the offerings. For the best availability, book your reservation before sailing.

If you’d prefer to just dine at the specialty restaurants, there are also special packages available in Cruise Planner. Purchasing one of these packages can be a great bargain in comparison to purchasing every meal separately.

Room service is also an option on Royal Caribbean. Your cruise fare includes delivery of continental breakfast, but there is a delivery fee for other items.

Specialty dining isn’t required at all. There are plenty of places onboard that are included in your cruise , including buffets, the main dining room, and cafes.

Royal Caribbean Royal Up – Bid on a Room Upgrade

After you book your cruise, you may receive an email from Royal Up, offering you the opportunity to bid for a stateroom upgrade. These are generally available for up to about 3 categories above the one you’ve already purchased.

Royal Up operates similarly to first and business-class upgrades on many international airlines. You’ll see the available options, and will be able to bid a specific amount that you are willing to pay to be upgraded. There are minimums and maximums, and there’s also a scale to show how strong your bid is.

Royal Up is always based on availability. We used Royal Up on our latest sailing and won our bid for a Grand Suite – one bedroom. While we found out a few weeks in advance, guests are informed of their Royal Up status up to the first day on the ship.

When bidding, I recommend choosing the highest price that you are willing to pay. It can be tempting to offer a low price, but you may be outbid.

However, when you make a bid, it is binding, and you’ll be charged if your bid is accepted. Keep in mind that the price you offer is per person, up to two people. So if you offer $1000, you’ll be charged $2000 if accepted.

Embarkation Day – The Day You Board the Ship

Embarkation Day is always stressful, regardless of the cruise line you are sailing. There is just so much to do to get on the ship safely, and every document and bag must be carefully checked.

While you will be eager to get going on your vacation, you’ll need to be patient going through the process on the first day of your cruise . There are some tedious steps, but then you’ll be on your way to your vacation.

If you are flying in for your cruise, I highly recommend flying in the day before your embarkation day. That way, you aren’t stressed about flight delays. I can recommend a few hotels in popular cruise ports:

• The Hyatt Regency Orlando Airport (if flying into MCO and leaving from Port Canaveral cruise terminal)
• The Renaissance Fort Lauderdale Marina Hotel (for Port Everglades cruise port)
• Homewood Suites Miami Airport (for PortMiami)

To make things work as smoothly as possible, be sure that you have everything ready to go. Pack a day bag with everything that you need, so that you don’t have to wait for your suitcases to be delivered.

Have all necessary documents ready to go in your carry-on bag – including paperwork and passports as well as everything you are required to bring.

Your day bag should also include any clothes you want for the first day, medications, valuables, and sunscreen. Checked luggage is delivered to your stateroom up until 8 pm, so you may not have access to your bags until then. If you plan to visit the hot tubs, pools, and small water slides first thing, you’ll want to include a bathing suit in your bag.

If you are checking bags, you’ll want to print out your luggage tags in advance. These will be online and available when you check in to your cruise. I recommend purchasing these plastic luggage tags from Amazon. They will keep your paper tags safe.

Once onboard, take the time to explore the ship, and purchase any upgrades that you want and didn’t already buy. We like to use the first day to get oriented, and typically dine in the main dining room that night.

You can use the SetSail pass on the Royal Caribbean app to gain access to the ship. Once you are there, you’ll find your SeaPasses on your stateroom door. We like these lanyards from Amazon to keep your SeaPass safe and nearby you at all times.

Cruise Compass – Your Guide to What To Do on the Ship

Your cruise compass is your guide to all of the activities and events taking place on the ship. A paper copy will be left in your stateroom every evening and will include a schedule as well as weather information and the recommended dress code for the upcoming day.

If your ship is using the Royal Caribbean app, you can also get daily schedule information for the entire cruise. That can be especially helpful for planning.

Currently, some things need to be booked in the app. Examples include the North Star and iFly (on select ships) as well as entertainment venues.

Dress Code – What To Wear

Some locations on the Royal Caribbean Cruise Line have dress codes, including some restaurants and the suite lounge. There is also a recommended dress code each evening. Some sailings do have one or more formal nights, as well as a Caribbean and white clothes night. Many do bring along formal wear for these special nights.

Despite the dress codes, you really will generally see people dressed in all kinds of clothes each night (even on formal nights). However, I like getting dressed up and usually bring along several dresses. Just make sure that you’ve reviewed the dress codes so that you bring the correct items.

Want to wash dirty laundry while onboard? There aren’t any laundry facilities for you to do your laundry. However, there is a laundry service offered for an additional fee. On some sailings, you’ll receive a bag mid-trip that you can fill for a flat fee laundry service.

Shore Excursions

One of the best parts of a cruise is the opportunity to visit multiple ports of call on your trip. Take advantage of that by researching each location and deciding what you want to do there.

The easiest option is to purchase shore excursions through Royal Caribbean. These can be scheduled through Cruise Planner before your cruise, and at the Shore Excursion desks once on board.

Many ports also offer lots of different places that you can visit on your own. Just keep in mind that you’ll be responsible for getting yourself back on the ship in time. If that seems stressful, it’s best to keep to the official excursions offered by the cruise line.

If you are in Sky class, either through your initial booking or through a Royal Caribbean Royal Up bid, that comes with a bunch of extra benefits. We recommend taking advantage of these because they can make your vacation even better.

Depending on the ship you are sailing on, you may have access to an exclusive suite lounge, complimentary meals at Coastal Kitchen, a Voom Surf and Stream package (for each member of the suite), and much more.

We also really enjoyed sitting on the Suite Sun Deck, which was relatively quiet on our sailing. There’s also a separate line for the entertainment venues, which will let you get some of the best seats.

The Key – Paid Upgraded Experiences

If you don’t have a suite, you can still purchase upgraded experiences. The Key is available to purchase for each member of your group, and you’ll need to pay a daily rate.

With the Key, you’ll receive an arrival lunch with a signature restaurant menu, internet access, priority access on embarkation day, private times at popular onboard activities, early show access, priority debarkation, and more. Availability may vary depending on your specific cruise.

Gratuities on Royal Caribbean

Gratuities can be pre-paid for your cruise, and include tips for your stateroom attendant and main dining room servers. They’ll also be automatically included with the purchase of beverages and specialty dining.

You may also want to give gratuities to crew members on the ship, especially if you are staying in a suite. In that case, you’ll also want to provide gratuities to servers in Coastal Kitchen and the suite lounge, as well as the suite concierge. If you book a cabana at Coco Cay (Royal Caribbean’s Private Island) or Labadee (in Haiti), you will also want to give a gratuity to the attendant.

It’s easiest to bring cash for these (especially on Coco Cay and Labadee). However, you can also add these gratuities to your final bill by visiting guest services. Just be sure to keep track of names and their positions throughout your trip. You’ll also receive an envelope that you can use.

Checking bags? You may also want to tip the porter who is handling your bags. They are generally not employees of the cruise line, so you’ll need cash to tip.

Next Cruise

If you are enjoying your cruise, you’ll probably already be looking forward to your next one. Visit the Next Cruise desk on the ship to book your next family vacation.

By booking while you are still on a ship, you’ll be able to take advantage of booking discounts, a lower deposit, and more. Then, you’ll be able to look forward to your next trip.

Debarkation Day – The Day You’ll Leave

No one looks forward to the last day of the cruise. You will need to be prepared though because you’ll have to follow specific procedures to make sure you get off the ship at the right time.

Typically, you’ll receive a notification in your stateroom a day or two with information on how to prepare your bags and when to leave the ship. When booking your return flights, make sure you follow the cruise line’s guidelines around the earliest time you can book your departure. It usually does take time for the ship to clear customs, for your bags to be ready, and for you to go through immigration.

Considering a family cruise? Check out our guide to family cruising , with posts about popular cruise terminals, cruise ships, and cruise lines, as well as tips for cruising.

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Utopia of the Seas guide: Everything we know about Royal Caribbean's newest Oasis Class cruise ship

Launching July 22, Utopia of the Seas is part of Royal Caribbean 's beloved Oasis Class series of ships. The fact that Royal Caribbean is launching an Oasis Class ship on the heels of the much-touted debut of Icon of the Seas — the bigger, newer Icon Class of ships — is a testament to the popularity of Oasis Class vessels.

Larger than its sister ship, Wonder of the Seas, Utopia will be the world's second-largest cruise ship (until the second Icon Class ship, Star of the Seas, steals that spot in 2025).

Royal Caribbean hopes to draw a new crowd of never-cruised-before travelers by focusing on short three- and four-night itineraries that allow folks to sample cruising without too much of a commitment. It's the first time the line has earmarked a new Oasis Class ship for short-cruise service from its beginning. When it debuts, Utopia of the Seas will be far bigger, newer and more amenity-packed than any other cruise ship sailing short itineraries in North America.

From new restaurants and bars to announced itineraries, here's everything we know so far about Utopia of the Seas.

For cruise news, reviews and tips, sign up for TPG's cruise newsletter .

Overview of Utopia of the Seas

The 237,000-ton Utopia of the Seas will be 18 decks high and is expected to carry up to 6,700 passengers in 2,830 cabins, placing it just behind Icon of the Seas as the world's second-biggest cruise ship.

Utopia of the Seas will be the sixth vessel in Royal Caribbean's Oasis Class of ships, which includes Oasis of the Seas, Wonder of the Seas , Allure of the Seas, Harmony of the Seas and Symphony of the Seas.

Related: The ultimate guide to Royal Caribbean cruise ships and itineraries

It will sail a series of three- to four-night cruises to the Bahamas from Florida's Port Canaveral (near Orlando). All of the Utopia of the Seas sailings will include a stop at Perfect Day at CocoCay , Royal Caribbean's private island in the Bahamas. Fares for a three-night sailing start from $469 per person (excluding taxes and fees).

Like other Royal Caribbean vessels, Utopia of the Seas will teem with family-focused attractions like multiple pool areas, a kiddie splash zone, surfing simulators, a zip line and a two-story dry slide called the Ultimate Abyss. And that's just on the top decks.

Inside, you'll find an extensive selection of shops, as well as new and returning favorite restaurants and bars, a massive casino, an indoor ice-skating rink and theaters with Broadway-style shows. It will also feature a designated suite area with an exclusive lounge, restaurant and sun deck. With so much to do on board, your biggest challenge might be hitting all the activities on your to-do list on a three- or four-night sailing.

Related: The 7 classes of Royal Caribbean cruise ships, explained

Utopia of the Seas' design and layout will mirror the line's last new Oasis Class ship, Wonder of the Seas, launched in 2022. Like other Oasis Class vessels, the ship will feature individual "neighborhoods," each with its unique vibe. The Royal Promenade will be the ship's main thoroughfare, lined with shops, restaurants, cafes, nightclubs and bars. Also, leafy Central Park will be reprised on Utopia.

Entertainment venues like the casino and comedy club will be in the aptly named Entertainment Place, and the vessel will also feature the exclusive Suite Neighborhood for suite passengers.

Other neighborhoods include The Boardwalk — where you'll find the AquaTheater and Playmakers Sports Bar & Arcade — and the Pool & Sports Zone — complete with an expansive Caribbean-themed pool deck and a three-story Lime and Coconut bar. The Youth Zone (with a for-fee arcade and youth activity programming) and the Vitality Spa & Fitness area round out the list.

Utopia of the Seas cabins and suites

Utopia of the Seas will feature 2,830 cabins and suites, with more than 20 types of accommodations to suit every budget and group size. They include inside (windowless) cabins, ocean-view cabins and balcony cabins. Cruisers can choose from varied suite options, including the new posh Solarium Suites, exclusively on Utopia of the Seas.

The ship will also offer virtual balconies in select inside cabins. These accommodations will include 80-inch LED TVs that provide live views from outside the ship.

Royal Caribbean debuted the concept of interior-facing balconies with its Oasis Class vessels. On Utopia of the Seas, guests will also have the option to book a traditional balcony that faces the ocean or one overlooking the Boardwalk or Central Park.

The line's Royal Suite Class comprises three categories of suites — Star, Sky and Sea. All come with VIP perks such as a dedicated lounge area for suite guests, complimentary drinks and dining, personal concierge services via a Royal Genie, reserved pool deck seating and other amenities. Which perks you get depends on your suite tier.

Within the highest Star tier of suites (and exclusive to Utopia of the Seas), two expansive Solarium Suites will be perched above the ship's navigation bridge, providing spectacular 280-degree top-deck views. Each will feature a huge living room, a dining area and an infinite balcony. The infinite balcony technology, which Royal Caribbean debuted on Icon of the Seas, allows guests to lower a large window at the touch of a button to let fresh air into their room.

Other Royal Suite Class accommodations include the 1,500-square-foot, two-level Royal Loft Suite; it has a lofted master bedroom, a massive living room and a private balcony with an outdoor shower, hot tub, TV and minibar.

Additionally, the three-bedroom Ultimate Family Suite can accommodate up to 10 guests and features a slide from the upper level to the lower one. It has a private cinema and karaoke station, a balcony with a ping pong table and a private hot tub. The two-bedroom AquaTheater Suites allow guests to watch AquaTheater productions from their personal balconies.

Utopia of the Seas restaurants and bars

Utopia of the Seas will offer more than 20 restaurant and bar options, with a solid mix of included-in-fare and extra-fee specialty dining venues. Here is what you can expect on board.

Restaurants

The following dining options are included in your fare:

The Dining Room: The multilevel main dining space will serve multicourse meals for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Windjammer Cafe: As on other Royal Caribbean ships, the buffet-style restaurant will be the go-to for varied breakfast, lunch and dinner options.

Solarium Bistro: Passengers can opt for healthful, lighter fare like salads, soups and fresh fruit.

The Spare Tire: Debuting on Utopia of the Seas, this food truck-style eatery will be found poolside and feature sandwiches, flatbread and various desserts.

Coastal Kitchen: Suites guests and Royal Caribbean's top-tier Pinnacle loyalty program members will have exclusive access to this space, serving California and Mediterranean fusion dishes.

Sorrento's Pizza: Curb pie cravings day or night at Royal Caribbean's popular pizza parlor .

Other spots to fuel up for free will include El Loco Fresh for fast-casual Mexican fare; Sprinkles for serve-yourself ice cream; Boardwalk Dog House for hotdogs, sausages and brats; and Park Cafe for coffee, tea and pastries.

Here is a rundown of added-fee specialty dining available on Utopia of the Seas.

Royal Railway — Utopia Platform: While full details are still under wraps, the new Royal Railway — Utopia Station restaurant will use technology to virtually transport guests to different places and times. After enjoying pre-dinner drinks on the station platform, guests will "board" the train and enjoy a multicourse dinner.

150 Central Park: This upscale restaurant offers six- to eight-course tasting menus and is only on Oasis Class ships. Dishes here highlight locally sourced ingredients, some prepared tableside.

Chef's Table: This private, five-course wine pairing dinner is hosted by the executive chef and onboard sommelier.

Chops Grille & Trellis Bar: You'll find the same flavorful steaks, fresh seafood and extensive wine selection at this version of Royal Caribbean's marquee steakhouse. On Utopia, the venue will be attached to the signature Trellis Bar, perfect for a convenient pre-dinner cocktail.

Giovanni's Italian Kitchen & Wine Bar: As on other ships, this popular Italian eatery will feature homemade pasta and fresh seafood, as well as a solid selection of wines. New to Utopia, the venue will span two floors. Guests can opt to dine alfresco on the restaurant's outside terrace overlooking The Boardwalk at the line's first Gio's Terrazza.

Izumi Hibachi & Sushi and Izumi in the Park: Guests can opt for a multicourse meal and entertainment in a private dining setting or grab fresh sushi and Japanese-inspired sweets at Izumi in the Park's walk-up restaurant.

Hooked Seafood: Serving New England-style seafood, Hooked will be the spot for Maine lobster rolls, crabcakes, oysters and other fresh seafood.

Playmakers Sports Bar & Arcade : Like its predecessors on other Royal Caribbean vessels, this popular sports bar perfectly pairs pub grub with arcade games.

Related: Playmakers: Royal Caribbean's cruise ship sports bar (with menu)

The Mason Jar Southern Restaurant & Bar: This popular venue is a returning favorite for Southern comfort food and live music .

Johnny Rockets: This popular added-fee ($12.99) spot is worth its weight in golden french fries (and burgers , onion rings and milkshakes).

Vitality Cafe and Starbucks are other added-fee venues on board.

With more than 20 bars and lounges, passengers on board Utopia of the Seas will have plenty of ways to celebrate a long weekend at sea. Here are some to look forward to.

Pesky Parrot: This new Caribbean-themed bar will replace the Bionic Bar on the Royal Promenade. The low-key venue will serve frozen drinks and fruit-based cocktails.

The Lime and Coconut: This lively Caribbean-themed pool deck bar will expand to a three-deck-high venue.

The Vue: The Vue first debuted on Wonder of the Seas. Adjacent to the ship's solarium, the bar is unique because it's cantilevered over the ship's side.

Add to the list returning venues like the aforementioned Playmakers Sports Bar & Arcade for gameday bar favorites and drinks; Schooner Bar, the line's classic piano bar; the English pub, Bell and Barley; Boleros, the line's signature Latin bar where you can enjoy live salsa, samba and merengue music; and the romantic Giovanni's Wine Bar.

Related: Royal Caribbean drink packages: Everything you need to know

Utopia of the Seas activities

With several returning favorites and a few new or updated attractions, the newest Oasis Class vessel will be packed with onboard diversions.

Get your fill of fun in the sun with five onboard pools. Find the vibe you seek, with options ranging from the tranquil adults-only Solarium Pool to the bustling Lido Deck pool area with three pools and 11 whirlpools.

Younger cruisers will have a blast at the Splashaway Bay water park complete with slides, fountains, sprinklers and water cannons.

Out of the water, passengers can test their mettle on Utopia's 259-foot-long Ultimate Abyss slide. It's a Wonder of the Seas holdover — with an upgrade. The slide is 43 feet longer than previous iterations, making it the longest dry slide at sea.

The ship will also feature the signature FlowRider surf simulator, a 10-story-high zip line, a rock climbing wall and Utopia Playscape climbing structure and play area.

On Utopia of the Seas, passengers can choose to play at the main Casino Royale or a separate nonsmoking room. Casino Royale will offer about 30 table games and more than 370 slot machines.

The ship's Vitality Spa & Fitness will offer body- and soul-soothing treatments and ample opportunities to up your fitness game.

Related: How I had the busiest 2 days ever on Royal Caribbean's newest Oasis Class ship

Utopia of the Seas shows

Like on previous ships, the main Royal Theater will host Broadway-style stage productions, the AquaTheater will feature the line's iconic water and diving shows, and Studio B will feature ice-skating productions. Enjoy live music at various venues throughout the ship, including Boleros and Music Hall (or make your own music at Spotlight Karaoke). The Attic also returns as the go-to place for nightly comedy shows.

When will Utopia of the Seas set sail?

In 2024 and 2025, Utopia of the Seas will sail three- and four-night cruises from Port Canaveral, Florida (near Orlando) to Nassau, Bahamas, stopping at Royal Caribbean's private island, Perfect Day at CocoCay.

How much does it cost to sail Utopia of the Seas?

If you want a spot on the maiden voyage of Utopia of the Seas, fares for the four-night sailing start at $1,049 per person for an inside cabin and $1,180 per person for a balcony cabin (at the time of writing).

Rates for other itineraries start at the following prices:

• $399 per person for an inside cabin or $629 per person for a balcony cabin for a three-night Bahamas & Perfect Day cruise
• $496 per person for an inside cabin or $624 per person for a balcony cabin on four-night Bahamas & Perfect Day cruise
• $619 per person for an inside cabin or $739 per person for a balcony cabin for a three-night Bahamas & Perfect Day cruise

Bottom line

Utopia of the Seas will provide a dizzying array of dining venues, drink options and activities for Royal Caribbean cruisers. From brand-new experiences to evolving fan favorites from previous vessels, the ship offers both seasoned cruisers and new-to-cruising travelers plenty of ways to fill a long "Ultimate Weekend."

Planning a cruise? Start with these stories:

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The 20-year-old passenger who jumped overboard off a Royal Caribbean cruise last week after an argument with his dad has been identified as a former high school football player and avid hunter living in Florida.

Levion Parker, of North Port, Florida, has been missing since he jumped overboard April 4 in front of his brother and father on the cruise to Cuba and Bahamas’ Grand Inagua Island, the Broward County Sheriff’s Office said.

The confirmation comes shortly after the  Coast Guard called off their search  for Parker. 

Social media posts  show Parker often went on hunting and fishing trips. He also played football for North Port High School before he graduated in 2022, according to Daily Mail.

Parker had jumped off the 18-story Liberty of the Seas boat after reportedly getting into an argument with his father.

Parker’s father was “fussing at him for being drunk,”  fellow passenger Bryan Sims told The Post .

“When we got to them, he said to his dad, ‘I’ll fix this right now.’ And he jumped out the window in front of us all,” Sims said.

“He was pretty drunk,” Sims added.

Sims hung out with Parker and his brother, Seth, 18, in the hot tub in the early hours of April before going their separate ways around 4 a.m. 

After Sims had used the restroom and dried off, he headed toward the elevators.

On his way there, he noticed the two brothers and their dad, Francel Parker, coming out of the sliding doors near the elevators. 

“As we were walking from the hot tub back to the elevators, his dad and brother were walking towards us. His dad was fussing at him for being drunk, I guess,” Sims said of the moment before Parker jumped.  

Royal Caribbean immediately launched search boats to look for him.

“The ship’s crew immediately launched a search and rescue effort alongside the US Coast Guard, who has taken over the search,” the statement read at the time. 

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Parker’s father owns an air-conditioning company and the family was cruising on the boat as guests of Tropic Supply, a Florida-based air conditioning wholesale company.

Tropic Supply had invited dozens of contractors to mark the company’s 50th Anniversary, according to Daily Mail.

 The Post has reached out to the family for comment. 

Nearly 400 people have gone overboard on major cruise lines between 2000 and 2020,  according to the Washington Post . 

As many cases are often deadly, many cruise lines have installed surveillance cameras and employed additional safety measures to help reduce risk. 

If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts or are experiencing a mental health crisis and live in New York City, you can call 1-888-NYC-WELL for free and confidential crisis counseling. If you live outside the five boroughs, you can dial the 24/7 National Suicide Prevention hotline at 988 or go to SuicidePreventionLifeline.org.

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Crying Myself to Sleep on the Biggest Cruise Ship Ever

Seven agonizing nights aboard the Icon of the Seas

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Updated at 2:44 p.m. ET on April 6, 2024.

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MY FIRST GLIMPSE of Royal Caribbean’s Icon of the Seas, from the window of an approaching Miami cab, brings on a feeling of vertigo, nausea, amazement, and distress. I shut my eyes in defense, as my brain tells my optic nerve to try again.

The ship makes no sense, vertically or horizontally. It makes no sense on sea, or on land, or in outer space. It looks like a hodgepodge of domes and minarets, tubes and canopies, like Istanbul had it been designed by idiots. Vibrant, oversignifying colors are stacked upon other such colors, decks perched over still more decks; the only comfort is a row of lifeboats ringing its perimeter. There is no imposed order, no cogent thought, and, for those who do not harbor a totalitarian sense of gigantomania, no visual mercy. This is the biggest cruise ship ever built, and I have been tasked with witnessing its inaugural voyage.

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“Author embarks on their first cruise-ship voyage” has been a staple of American essay writing for almost three decades, beginning with David Foster Wallace’s “A Supposedly Fun Thing I’ll Never Do Again,” which was first published in 1996 under the title “Shipping Out.” Since then, many admirable writers have widened and diversified the genre. Usually the essayist commissioned to take to the sea is in their first or second flush of youth and is ready to sharpen their wit against the hull of the offending vessel. I am 51, old and tired, having seen much of the world as a former travel journalist, and mostly what I do in both life and prose is shrug while muttering to my imaginary dachshund, “This too shall pass.” But the Icon of the Seas will not countenance a shrug. The Icon of the Seas is the Linda Loman of cruise ships, exclaiming that attention must be paid. And here I am in late January with my one piece of luggage and useless gray winter jacket and passport, zipping through the Port of Miami en route to the gangway that will separate me from the bulk of North America for more than seven days, ready to pay it in full.

The aforementioned gangway opens up directly onto a thriving mall (I will soon learn it is imperiously called the “Royal Promenade”), presently filled with yapping passengers beneath a ceiling studded with balloons ready to drop. Crew members from every part of the global South, as well as a few Balkans, are shepherding us along while pressing flutes of champagne into our hands. By a humming Starbucks, I drink as many of these as I can and prepare to find my cabin. I show my blue Suite Sky SeaPass Card (more on this later, much more) to a smiling woman from the Philippines, and she tells me to go “aft.” Which is where, now? As someone who has rarely sailed on a vessel grander than the Staten Island Ferry, I am confused. It turns out that the aft is the stern of the ship, or, for those of us who don’t know what a stern or an aft are, its ass. The nose of the ship, responsible for separating the waves before it, is also called a bow, and is marked for passengers as the FWD , or forward. The part of the contemporary sailing vessel where the malls are clustered is called the midship. I trust that you have enjoyed this nautical lesson.

I ascend via elevator to my suite on Deck 11. This is where I encounter my first terrible surprise. My suite windows and balcony do not face the ocean. Instead, they look out onto another shopping mall. This mall is the one that’s called Central Park, perhaps in homage to the Olmsted-designed bit of greenery in the middle of my hometown. Although on land I would be delighted to own a suite with Central Park views, here I am deeply depressed. To sail on a ship and not wake up to a vast blue carpet of ocean? Unthinkable.

Allow me a brief preamble here. The story you are reading was commissioned at a moment when most staterooms on the Icon were sold out. In fact, so enthralled by the prospect of this voyage were hard-core mariners that the ship’s entire inventory of guest rooms (the Icon can accommodate up to 7,600 passengers, but its inaugural journey was reduced to 5,000 or so for a less crowded experience) was almost immediately sold out. Hence, this publication was faced with the shocking prospect of paying nearly $19,000 to procure for this solitary passenger an entire suite—not including drinking expenses—all for the privilege of bringing you this article. But the suite in question doesn’t even have a view of the ocean! I sit down hard on my soft bed. Nineteen thousand dollars for this .

The viewless suite does have its pluses. In addition to all the Malin+Goetz products in my dual bathrooms, I am granted use of a dedicated Suite Deck lounge; access to Coastal Kitchen, a superior restaurant for Suites passengers; complimentary VOOM SM Surf & Stream (“the fastest Internet at Sea”) “for one device per person for the whole cruise duration”; a pair of bathrobes (one of which comes prestained with what looks like a large expectoration by the greenest lizard on Earth); and use of the Grove Suite Sun, an area on Decks 18 and 19 with food and deck chairs reserved exclusively for Suite passengers. I also get reserved seating for a performance of The Wizard of Oz , an ice-skating tribute to the periodic table, and similar provocations. The very color of my Suite Sky SeaPass Card, an oceanic blue as opposed to the cloying royal purple of the standard non-Suite passenger, will soon provoke envy and admiration. But as high as my status may be, there are those on board who have much higher status still, and I will soon learn to bow before them.

In preparation for sailing, I have “priced in,” as they say on Wall Street, the possibility that I may come from a somewhat different monde than many of the other cruisers. Without falling into stereotypes or preconceptions, I prepare myself for a friendly outspokenness on the part of my fellow seafarers that may not comply with modern DEI standards. I believe in meeting people halfway, and so the day before flying down to Miami, I visited what remains of Little Italy to purchase a popular T-shirt that reads DADDY’S LITTLE MEATBALL across the breast in the colors of the Italian flag. My wife recommended that I bring one of my many T-shirts featuring Snoopy and the Peanuts gang, as all Americans love the beagle and his friends. But I naively thought that my meatball T-shirt would be more suitable for conversation-starting. “Oh, and who is your ‘daddy’?” some might ask upon seeing it. “And how long have you been his ‘little meatball’?” And so on.

I put on my meatball T-shirt and head for one of the dining rooms to get a late lunch. In the elevator, I stick out my chest for all to read the funny legend upon it, but soon I realize that despite its burnished tricolor letters, no one takes note. More to the point, no one takes note of me. Despite my attempts at bridge building, the very sight of me (small, ethnic, without a cap bearing the name of a football team) elicits no reaction from other passengers. Most often, they will small-talk over me as if I don’t exist. This brings to mind the travails of David Foster Wallace , who felt so ostracized by his fellow passengers that he retreated to his cabin for much of his voyage. And Wallace was raised primarily in the Midwest and was a much larger, more American-looking meatball than I am. If he couldn’t talk to these people, how will I? What if I leave this ship without making any friends at all, despite my T-shirt? I am a social creature, and the prospect of seven days alone and apart is saddening. Wallace’s stateroom, at least, had a view of the ocean, a kind of cheap eternity.

Worse awaits me in the dining room. This is a large, multichandeliered room where I attended my safety training (I was shown how to put on a flotation vest; it is a very simple procedure). But the maître d’ politely refuses me entry in an English that seems to verge on another language. “I’m sorry, this is only for pendejos ,” he seems to be saying. I push back politely and he repeats himself. Pendejos ? Piranhas? There’s some kind of P-word to which I am not attuned. Meanwhile elderly passengers stream right past, powered by their limbs, walkers, and electric wheelchairs. “It is only pendejo dining today, sir.” “But I have a suite!” I say, already starting to catch on to the ship’s class system. He examines my card again. “But you are not a pendejo ,” he confirms. I am wearing a DADDY’S LITTLE MEATBALL T-shirt, I want to say to him. I am the essence of pendejo .

Eventually, I give up and head to the plebeian buffet on Deck 15, which has an aquatic-styled name I have now forgotten. Before gaining entry to this endless cornucopia of reheated food, one passes a washing station of many sinks and soap dispensers, and perhaps the most intriguing character on the entire ship. He is Mr. Washy Washy—or, according to his name tag, Nielbert of the Philippines—and he is dressed as a taco (on other occasions, I’ll see him dressed as a burger). Mr. Washy Washy performs an eponymous song in spirited, indeed flamboyant English: “Washy, washy, wash your hands, WASHY WASHY!” The dangers of norovirus and COVID on a cruise ship this size (a giant fellow ship was stricken with the former right after my voyage) makes Mr. Washy Washy an essential member of the crew. The problem lies with the food at the end of Washy’s rainbow. The buffet is groaning with what sounds like sophisticated dishes—marinated octopus, boiled egg with anchovy, chorizo, lobster claws—but every animal tastes tragically the same, as if there was only one creature available at the market, a “cruisipus” bred specifically for Royal Caribbean dining. The “vegetables” are no better. I pick up a tomato slice and look right through it. It tastes like cellophane. I sit alone, apart from the couples and parents with gaggles of children, as “We Are Family” echoes across the buffet space.

I may have failed to mention that all this time, the Icon of the Seas has not left port. As the fiery mango of the subtropical setting sun makes Miami’s condo skyline even more apocalyptic, the ship shoves off beneath a perfunctory display of fireworks. After the sun sets, in the far, dark distance, another circus-lit cruise ship ruptures the waves before us. We glance at it with pity, because it is by definition a smaller ship than our own. I am on Deck 15, outside the buffet and overlooking a bunch of pools (the Icon has seven of them), drinking a frilly drink that I got from one of the bars (the Icon has 15 of them), still too shy to speak to anyone, despite Sister Sledge’s assertion that all on the ship are somehow related.

Kim Brooks: On failing the family vacation

The ship’s passage away from Ron DeSantis’s Florida provides no frisson, no sense of developing “sea legs,” as the ship is too large to register the presence of waves unless a mighty wind adds significant chop. It is time for me to register the presence of the 5,000 passengers around me, even if they refuse to register mine. My fellow travelers have prepared for this trip with personally decorated T-shirts celebrating the importance of this voyage. The simplest ones say ICON INAUGURAL ’24 on the back and the family name on the front. Others attest to an over-the-top love of cruise ships: WARNING! MAY START TALKING ABOUT CRUISING . Still others are artisanally designed and celebrate lifetimes spent married while cruising (on ships, of course). A couple possibly in their 90s are wearing shirts whose backs feature a drawing of a cruise liner, two flamingos with ostensibly male and female characteristics, and the legend “ HUSBAND AND WIFE Cruising Partners FOR LIFE WE MAY NOT HAVE IT All Together BUT TOGETHER WE HAVE IT ALL .” (The words not in all caps have been written in cursive.) A real journalist or a more intrepid conversationalist would have gone up to the couple and asked them to explain the longevity of their marriage vis-à-vis their love of cruising. But instead I head to my mall suite, take off my meatball T-shirt, and allow the first tears of the cruise to roll down my cheeks slowly enough that I briefly fall asleep amid the moisture and salt.

I WAKE UP with a hangover. Oh God. Right. I cannot believe all of that happened last night. A name floats into my cobwebbed, nauseated brain: “Ayn Rand.” Jesus Christ.

I breakfast alone at the Coastal Kitchen. The coffee tastes fine and the eggs came out of a bird. The ship rolls slightly this morning; I can feel it in my thighs and my schlong, the parts of me that are most receptive to danger.

I had a dangerous conversation last night. After the sun set and we were at least 50 miles from shore (most modern cruise ships sail at about 23 miles an hour), I lay in bed softly hiccupping, my arms stretched out exactly like Jesus on the cross, the sound of the distant waves missing from my mall-facing suite, replaced by the hum of air-conditioning and children shouting in Spanish through the vents of my two bathrooms. I decided this passivity was unacceptable. As an immigrant, I feel duty-bound to complete the tasks I am paid for, which means reaching out and trying to understand my fellow cruisers. So I put on a normal James Perse T-shirt and headed for one of the bars on the Royal Promenade—the Schooner Bar, it was called, if memory serves correctly.

I sat at the bar for a martini and two Negronis. An old man with thick, hairy forearms drank next to me, very silent and Hemingwaylike, while a dreadlocked piano player tinkled out a series of excellent Elton John covers. To my right, a young white couple—he in floral shorts, she in a light, summery miniskirt with a fearsome diamond ring, neither of them in football regalia—chatted with an elderly couple. Do it , I commanded myself. Open your mouth. Speak! Speak without being spoken to. Initiate. A sentence fragment caught my ear from the young woman, “Cherry Hill.” This is a suburb of Philadelphia in New Jersey, and I had once been there for a reading at a synagogue. “Excuse me,” I said gently to her. “Did you just mention Cherry Hill? It’s a lovely place.”

As it turned out, the couple now lived in Fort Lauderdale (the number of Floridians on the cruise surprised me, given that Southern Florida is itself a kind of cruise ship, albeit one slowly sinking), but soon they were talking with me exclusively—the man potbellied, with a chin like a hard-boiled egg; the woman as svelte as if she were one of the many Ukrainian members of the crew—the elderly couple next to them forgotten. This felt as groundbreaking as the first time I dared to address an American in his native tongue, as a child on a bus in Queens (“On my foot you are standing, Mister”).

“I don’t want to talk politics,” the man said. “But they’re going to eighty-six Biden and put Michelle in.”

I considered the contradictions of his opening conversational gambit, but decided to play along. “People like Michelle,” I said, testing the waters. The husband sneered, but the wife charitably put forward that the former first lady was “more personable” than Joe Biden. “They’re gonna eighty-six Biden,” the husband repeated. “He can’t put a sentence together.”

After I mentioned that I was a writer—though I presented myself as a writer of teleplays instead of novels and articles such as this one—the husband told me his favorite writer was Ayn Rand. “Ayn Rand, she came here with nothing,” the husband said. “I work with a lot of Cubans, so …” I wondered if I should mention what I usually do to ingratiate myself with Republicans or libertarians: the fact that my finances improved after pass-through corporations were taxed differently under Donald Trump. Instead, I ordered another drink and the couple did the same, and I told him that Rand and I were born in the same city, St. Petersburg/Leningrad, and that my family also came here with nothing. Now the bonding and drinking began in earnest, and several more rounds appeared. Until it all fell apart.

Read: Gary Shteyngart on watching Russian television for five days straight

My new friend, whom I will refer to as Ayn, called out to a buddy of his across the bar, and suddenly a young couple, both covered in tattoos, appeared next to us. “He fucking punked me,” Ayn’s frat-boy-like friend called out as he put his arm around Ayn, while his sizable partner sizzled up to Mrs. Rand. Both of them had a look I have never seen on land—their eyes projecting absence and enmity in equal measure. In the ’90s, I drank with Russian soldiers fresh from Chechnya and wandered the streets of wartime Zagreb, but I have never seen such undisguised hostility toward both me and perhaps the universe at large. I was briefly introduced to this psychopathic pair, but neither of them wanted to have anything to do with me, and the tattooed woman would not even reveal her Christian name to me (she pretended to have the same first name as Mrs. Rand). To impress his tattooed friends, Ayn made fun of the fact that as a television writer, I’d worked on the series Succession (which, it would turn out, practically nobody on the ship had watched), instead of the far more palatable, in his eyes, zombie drama of last year. And then my new friends drifted away from me into an angry private conversation—“He punked me!”—as I ordered another drink for myself, scared of the dead-eyed arrivals whose gaze never registered in the dim wattage of the Schooner Bar, whose terrifying voices and hollow laughs grated like unoiled gears against the crooning of “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road.”

But today is a new day for me and my hangover. After breakfast, I explore the ship’s so-called neighborhoods . There’s the AquaDome, where one can find a food hall and an acrobatic sound-and-light aquatic show. Central Park has a premium steak house, a sushi joint, and a used Rolex that can be bought for $8,000 on land here proudly offered at $17,000. There’s the aforementioned Royal Promenade, where I had drunk with the Rands, and where a pair of dueling pianos duel well into the night. There’s Surfside, a kids’ neighborhood full of sugary garbage, which looks out onto the frothy trail that the behemoth leaves behind itself. Thrill Island refers to the collection of tubes that clutter the ass of the ship and offer passengers six waterslides and a surfing simulation. There’s the Hideaway, an adult zone that plays music from a vomit-slathered, Brit-filled Alicante nightclub circa 1996 and proves a big favorite with groups of young Latin American customers. And, most hurtfully, there’s the Suite Neighborhood.

I say hurtfully because as a Suite passenger I should be here, though my particular suite is far from the others. Whereas I am stuck amid the riffraff of Deck 11, this section is on the highborn Decks 16 and 17, and in passing, I peek into the spacious, tall-ceilinged staterooms from the hallway, dazzled by the glint of the waves and sun. For $75,000, one multifloor suite even comes with its own slide between floors, so that a family may enjoy this particular terror in private. There is a quiet splendor to the Suite Neighborhood. I see fewer stickers and signs and drawings than in my own neighborhood—for example, MIKE AND DIANA PROUDLY SERVED U.S. MARINE CORPS RETIRED . No one here needs to announce their branch of service or rank; they are simply Suites, and this is where they belong. Once again, despite my hard work and perseverance, I have been disallowed from the true American elite. Once again, I am “Not our class, dear.” I am reminded of watching The Love Boat on my grandmother’s Zenith, which either was given to her or we found in the trash (I get our many malfunctioning Zeniths confused) and whose tube got so hot, I would put little chunks of government cheese on a thin tissue atop it to give our welfare treat a pleasant, Reagan-era gooeyness. I could not understand English well enough then to catch the nuances of that seafaring program, but I knew that there were differences in the status of the passengers, and that sometimes those differences made them sad. Still, this ship, this plenty—every few steps, there are complimentary nachos or milkshakes or gyros on offer—was the fatty fuel of my childhood dreams. If only I had remained a child.

I walk around the outdoor decks looking for company. There is a middle-aged African American couple who always seem to be asleep in each other’s arms, probably exhausted from the late capitalism they regularly encounter on land. There is far more diversity on this ship than I expected. Many couples are a testament to Loving v. Virginia , and there is a large group of folks whose T-shirts read MELANIN AT SEA / IT’S THE MELANIN FOR ME . I smile when I see them, but then some young kids from the group makes Mr. Washy Washy do a cruel, caricatured “Burger Dance” (today he is in his burger getup), and I think, Well, so much for intersectionality .

At the infinity pool on Deck 17, I spot some elderly women who could be ethnic and from my part of the world, and so I jump in. I am proved correct! Many of them seem to be originally from Queens (“Corona was still great when it was all Italian”), though they are now spread across the tristate area. We bond over the way “Ron-kon-koma” sounds when announced in Penn Station.

“Everyone is here for a different reason,” one of them tells me. She and her ex-husband last sailed together four years ago to prove to themselves that their marriage was truly over. Her 15-year-old son lost his virginity to “an Irish young lady” while their ship was moored in Ravenna, Italy. The gaggle of old-timers competes to tell me their favorite cruising stories and tips. “A guy proposed in Central Park a couple of years ago”—many Royal Caribbean ships apparently have this ridiculous communal area—“and she ran away screaming!” “If you’re diamond-class, you get four drinks for free.” “A different kind of passenger sails out of Bayonne.” (This, perhaps, is racially coded.) “Sometimes, if you tip the bartender $5, your next drink will be free.”

“Everyone’s here for a different reason,” the woman whose marriage ended on a cruise tells me again. “Some people are here for bad reasons—the drinkers and the gamblers. Some people are here for medical reasons.” I have seen more than a few oxygen tanks and at least one woman clearly undergoing very serious chemo. Some T-shirts celebrate good news about a cancer diagnosis. This might be someone’s last cruise or week on Earth. For these women, who have spent months, if not years, at sea, cruising is a ritual as well as a life cycle: first love, last love, marriage, divorce, death.

Read: The last place on Earth any tourist should go

I have talked with these women for so long, tonight I promise myself that after a sad solitary dinner I will not try to seek out company at the bars in the mall or the adult-themed Hideaway. I have enough material to fulfill my duties to this publication. As I approach my orphaned suite, I run into the aggro young people who stole Mr. and Mrs. Rand away from me the night before. The tattooed apparitions pass me without a glance. She is singing something violent about “Stuttering Stanley” (a character in a popular horror movie, as I discover with my complimentary VOOM SM Surf & Stream Internet at Sea) and he’s loudly shouting about “all the money I’ve lost,” presumably at the casino in the bowels of the ship.

So these bent psychos out of a Cormac McCarthy novel are angrily inhabiting my deck. As I mewl myself to sleep, I envision a limited series for HBO or some other streamer, a kind of low-rent White Lotus , where several aggressive couples conspire to throw a shy intellectual interloper overboard. I type the scenario into my phone. As I fall asleep, I think of what the woman who recently divorced her husband and whose son became a man through the good offices of the Irish Republic told me while I was hoisting myself out of the infinity pool. “I’m here because I’m an explorer. I’m here because I’m trying something new.” What if I allowed myself to believe in her fantasy?

“YOU REALLY STARTED AT THE TOP,” they tell me. I’m at the Coastal Kitchen for my eggs and corned-beef hash, and the maître d’ has slotted me in between two couples. Fueled by coffee or perhaps intrigued by my relative youth, they strike up a conversation with me. As always, people are shocked that this is my first cruise. They contrast the Icon favorably with all the preceding liners in the Royal Caribbean fleet, usually commenting on the efficiency of the elevators that hurl us from deck to deck (as in many large corporate buildings, the elevators ask you to choose a floor and then direct you to one of many lifts). The couple to my right, from Palo Alto—he refers to his “porn mustache” and calls his wife “my cougar” because she is two years older—tell me they are “Pandemic Pinnacles.”

This is the day that my eyes will be opened. Pinnacles , it is explained to me over translucent cantaloupe, have sailed with Royal Caribbean for 700 ungodly nights. Pandemic Pinnacles took advantage of the two-for-one accrual rate of Pinnacle points during the pandemic, when sailing on a cruise ship was even more ill-advised, to catapult themselves into Pinnacle status.

Because of the importance of the inaugural voyage of the world’s largest cruise liner, more than 200 Pinnacles are on this ship, a startling number, it seems. Mrs. Palo Alto takes out a golden badge that I have seen affixed over many a breast, which reads CROWN AND ANCHOR SOCIETY along with her name. This is the coveted badge of the Pinnacle. “You should hear all the whining in Guest Services,” her husband tells me. Apparently, the Pinnacles who are not also Suites like us are all trying to use their status to get into Coastal Kitchen, our elite restaurant. Even a Pinnacle needs to be a Suite to access this level of corned-beef hash.

“We’re just baby Pinnacles,” Mrs. Palo Alto tells me, describing a kind of internal class struggle among the Pinnacle elite for ever higher status.

And now I understand what the maître d’ was saying to me on the first day of my cruise. He wasn’t saying “ pendejo .” He was saying “Pinnacle.” The dining room was for Pinnacles only, all those older people rolling in like the tide on their motorized scooters.

And now I understand something else: This whole thing is a cult. And like most cults, it can’t help but mirror the endless American fight for status. Like Keith Raniere’s NXIVM, where different-colored sashes were given out to connote rank among Raniere’s branded acolytes, this is an endless competition among Pinnacles, Suites, Diamond-Plusers, and facing-the-mall, no-balcony purple SeaPass Card peasants, not to mention the many distinctions within each category. The more you cruise, the higher your status. No wonder a section of the Royal Promenade is devoted to getting passengers to book their next cruise during the one they should be enjoying now. No wonder desperate Royal Caribbean offers (“FINAL HOURS”) crowded my email account weeks before I set sail. No wonder the ship’s jewelry store, the Royal Bling, is selling a $100,000 golden chalice that will entitle its owner to drink free on Royal Caribbean cruises for life. (One passenger was already gaming out whether her 28-year-old son was young enough to “just about earn out” on the chalice or if that ship had sailed.) No wonder this ship was sold out months before departure , and we had to pay $19,000 for a horrid suite away from the Suite Neighborhood. No wonder the most mythical hero of Royal Caribbean lore is someone named Super Mario, who has cruised so often, he now has his own working desk on many ships. This whole experience is part cult, part nautical pyramid scheme.

From the June 2014 issue: Ship of wonks

“The toilets are amazing,” the Palo Altos are telling me. “One flush and you’re done.” “They don’t understand how energy-efficient these ships are,” the husband of the other couple is telling me. “They got the LNG”—liquefied natural gas, which is supposed to make the Icon a boon to the environment (a concept widely disputed and sometimes ridiculed by environmentalists).

But I’m thinking along a different line of attack as I spear my last pallid slice of melon. For my streaming limited series, a Pinnacle would have to get killed by either an outright peasant or a Suite without an ocean view. I tell my breakfast companions my idea.

“Oh, for sure a Pinnacle would have to be killed,” Mr. Palo Alto, the Pandemic Pinnacle, says, touching his porn mustache thoughtfully as his wife nods.

“THAT’S RIGHT, IT’S your time, buddy!” Hubert, my fun-loving Panamanian cabin attendant, shouts as I step out of my suite in a robe. “Take it easy, buddy!”

I have come up with a new dressing strategy. Instead of trying to impress with my choice of T-shirts, I have decided to start wearing a robe, as one does at a resort property on land, with a proper spa and hammam. The response among my fellow cruisers has been ecstatic. “Look at you in the robe!” Mr. Rand cries out as we pass each other by the Thrill Island aqua park. “You’re living the cruise life! You know, you really drank me under the table that night.” I laugh as we part ways, but my soul cries out, Please spend more time with me, Mr. and Mrs. Rand; I so need the company .

In my white robe, I am a stately presence, a refugee from a better limited series, a one-man crossover episode. (Only Suites are granted these robes to begin with.) Today, I will try many of the activities these ships have on offer to provide their clientele with a sense of never-ceasing motion. Because I am already at Thrill Island, I decide to climb the staircase to what looks like a mast on an old-fashioned ship (terrified, because I am afraid of heights) to try a ride called “Storm Chasers,” which is part of the “Category 6” water park, named in honor of one of the storms that may someday do away with the Port of Miami entirely. Storm Chasers consists of falling from the “mast” down a long, twisting neon tube filled with water, like being the camera inside your own colonoscopy, as you hold on to the handles of a mat, hoping not to die. The tube then flops you down headfirst into a trough of water, a Royal Caribbean baptism. It both knocks my breath out and makes me sad.

In keeping with the aquatic theme, I attend a show at the AquaDome. To the sound of “Live and Let Die,” a man in a harness gyrates to and fro in the sultry air. I saw something very similar in the back rooms of the famed Berghain club in early-aughts Berlin. Soon another harnessed man is gyrating next to the first. Ja , I think to myself, I know how this ends. Now will come the fisting , natürlich . But the show soon devolves into the usual Marvel-film-grade nonsense, with too much light and sound signifying nichts . If any fisting is happening, it is probably in the Suite Neighborhood, inside a cabin marked with an upside-down pineapple, which I understand means a couple are ready to swing, and I will see none of it.

I go to the ice show, which is a kind of homage—if that’s possible—to the periodic table, done with the style and pomp and masterful precision that would please the likes of Kim Jong Un, if only he could afford Royal Caribbean talent. At one point, the dancers skate to the theme song of Succession . “See that!” I want to say to my fellow Suites—at “cultural” events, we have a special section reserved for us away from the commoners—“ Succession ! It’s even better than the zombie show! Open your minds!”

Finally, I visit a comedy revue in an enormous and too brightly lit version of an “intimate,” per Royal Caribbean literature, “Manhattan comedy club.” Many of the jokes are about the cruising life. “I’ve lived on ships for 20 years,” one of the middle-aged comedians says. “I can only see so many Filipino homosexuals dressed as a taco.” He pauses while the audience laughs. “I am so fired tonight,” he says. He segues into a Trump impression and then Biden falling asleep at the microphone, which gets the most laughs. “Anyone here from Fort Leonard Wood?” another comedian asks. Half the crowd seems to cheer. As I fall asleep that night, I realize another connection I have failed to make, and one that may explain some of the diversity on this vessel—many of its passengers have served in the military.

As a coddled passenger with a suite, I feel like I am starting to understand what it means to have a rank and be constantly reminded of it. There are many espresso makers , I think as I look across the expanse of my officer-grade quarters before closing my eyes, but this one is mine .

A shocking sight greets me beyond the pools of Deck 17 as I saunter over to the Coastal Kitchen for my morning intake of slightly sour Americanos. A tiny city beneath a series of perfectly pressed green mountains. Land! We have docked for a brief respite in Basseterre, the capital of St. Kitts and Nevis. I wolf down my egg scramble to be one of the first passengers off the ship. Once past the gangway, I barely refrain from kissing the ground. I rush into the sights and sounds of this scruffy island city, sampling incredible conch curry and buckets of non-Starbucks coffee. How wonderful it is to be where God intended humans to be: on land. After all, I am neither a fish nor a mall rat. This is my natural environment. Basseterre may not be Havana, but there are signs of human ingenuity and desire everywhere you look. The Black Table Grill Has been Relocated to Soho Village, Market Street, Directly Behind of, Gary’s Fruits and Flower Shop. Signed. THE PORK MAN reads a sign stuck to a wall. Now, that is how you write a sign. A real sign, not the come-ons for overpriced Rolexes that blink across the screens of the Royal Promenade.

“Hey, tie your shoestring!” a pair of laughing ladies shout to me across the street.

“Thank you!” I shout back. Shoestring! “Thank you very much.”

A man in Independence Square Park comes by and asks if I want to play with his monkey. I haven’t heard that pickup line since the Penn Station of the 1980s. But then he pulls a real monkey out of a bag. The monkey is wearing a diaper and looks insane. Wonderful , I think, just wonderful! There is so much life here. I email my editor asking if I can remain on St. Kitts and allow the Icon to sail off into the horizon without me. I have even priced a flight home at less than $300, and I have enough material from the first four days on the cruise to write the entire story. “It would be funny …” my editor replies. “Now get on the boat.”

As I slink back to the ship after my brief jailbreak, the locals stand under umbrellas to gaze at and photograph the boat that towers over their small capital city. The limousines of the prime minister and his lackeys are parked beside the gangway. St. Kitts, I’ve been told, is one of the few islands that would allow a ship of this size to dock.

“We hear about all the waterslides,” a sweet young server in one of the cafés told me. “We wish we could go on the ship, but we have to work.”

“I want to stay on your island,” I replied. “I love it here.”

But she didn’t understand how I could possibly mean that.

“WASHY, WASHY, so you don’t get stinky, stinky!” kids are singing outside the AquaDome, while their adult minders look on in disapproval, perhaps worried that Mr. Washy Washy is grooming them into a life of gayness. I heard a southern couple skip the buffet entirely out of fear of Mr. Washy Washy.

Meanwhile, I have found a new watering hole for myself, the Swim & Tonic, the biggest swim-up bar on any cruise ship in the world. Drinking next to full-size, nearly naked Americans takes away one’s own self-consciousness. The men have curvaceous mom bodies. The women are equally un-shy about their sprawling physiques.

Today I’ve befriended a bald man with many children who tells me that all of the little trinkets that Royal Caribbean has left us in our staterooms and suites are worth a fortune on eBay. “Eighty dollars for the water bottle, 60 for the lanyard,” the man says. “This is a cult.”

“Tell me about it,” I say. There is, however, a clientele for whom this cruise makes perfect sense. For a large middle-class family (he works in “supply chains”), seven days in a lower-tier cabin—which starts at $1,800 a person—allow the parents to drop off their children in Surfside, where I imagine many young Filipina crew members will take care of them, while the parents are free to get drunk at a swim-up bar and maybe even get intimate in their cabin. Cruise ships have become, for a certain kind of hardworking family, a form of subsidized child care.

There is another man I would like to befriend at the Swim & Tonic, a tall, bald fellow who is perpetually inebriated and who wears a necklace studded with little rubber duckies in sunglasses, which, I am told, is a sort of secret handshake for cruise aficionados. Tomorrow, I will spend more time with him, but first the ship docks at St. Thomas, in the U.S. Virgin Islands. Charlotte Amalie, the capital, is more charming in name than in presence, but I still all but jump off the ship to score a juicy oxtail and plantains at the well-known Petite Pump Room, overlooking the harbor. From one of the highest points in the small city, the Icon of the Seas appears bigger than the surrounding hills.

I usually tan very evenly, but something about the discombobulation of life at sea makes me forget the regular application of sunscreen. As I walk down the streets of Charlotte Amalie in my fluorescent Icon of the Seas cap, an old Rastafarian stares me down. “Redneck,” he hisses.

“No,” I want to tell him, as I bring a hand up to my red neck, “that’s not who I am at all. On my island, Mannahatta, as Whitman would have it, I am an interesting person living within an engaging artistic milieu. I do not wish to use the Caribbean as a dumping ground for the cruise-ship industry. I love the work of Derek Walcott. You don’t understand. I am not a redneck. And if I am, they did this to me.” They meaning Royal Caribbean? Its passengers? The Rands?

“They did this to me!”

Back on the Icon, some older matrons are muttering about a run-in with passengers from the Celebrity cruise ship docked next to us, the Celebrity Apex. Although Celebrity Cruises is also owned by Royal Caribbean, I am made to understand that there is a deep fratricidal beef between passengers of the two lines. “We met a woman from the Apex,” one matron says, “and she says it was a small ship and there was nothing to do. Her face was as tight as a 19-year-old’s, she had so much surgery.” With those words, and beneath a cloudy sky, humidity shrouding our weathered faces and red necks, we set sail once again, hopefully in the direction of home.

THERE ARE BARELY 48 HOURS LEFT to the cruise, and the Icon of the Seas’ passengers are salty. They know how to work the elevators. They know the Washy Washy song by heart. They understand that the chicken gyro at “Feta Mediterranean,” in the AquaDome Market, is the least problematic form of chicken on the ship.

The passengers have shed their INAUGURAL CRUISE T-shirts and are now starting to evince political opinions. There are caps pledging to make America great again and T-shirts that celebrate words sometimes attributed to Patrick Henry: “The Constitution is not an instrument for the government to restrain the people; it is an instrument for the people to restrain the government.” With their preponderance of FAMILY FLAG FAITH FRIENDS FIREARMS T-shirts, the tables by the crepe station sometimes resemble the Capitol Rotunda on January 6. The Real Anthony Fauci , by Robert F. Kennedy Jr., appears to be a popular form of literature, especially among young men with very complicated versions of the American flag on their T-shirts. Other opinions blend the personal and the political. “Someone needs to kill Washy guy, right?” a well-dressed man in the elevator tells me, his gray eyes radiating nothing. “Just beat him to death. Am I right?” I overhear the male member of a young couple whisper, “There goes that freak” as I saunter by in my white spa robe, and I decide to retire it for the rest of the cruise.

I visit the Royal Bling to see up close the $100,000 golden chalice that entitles you to free drinks on Royal Caribbean forever. The pleasant Serbian saleslady explains that the chalice is actually gold-plated and covered in white zirconia instead of diamonds, as it would otherwise cost $1 million. “If you already have everything,” she explains, “this is one more thing you can get.”

I believe that anyone who works for Royal Caribbean should be entitled to immediate American citizenship. They already speak English better than most of the passengers and, per the Serbian lady’s sales pitch above, better understand what America is as well. Crew members like my Panamanian cabin attendant seem to work 24 hours a day. A waiter from New Delhi tells me that his contract is six months and three weeks long. After a cruise ends, he says, “in a few hours, we start again for the next cruise.” At the end of the half a year at sea, he is allowed a two-to-three-month stay at home with his family. As of 2019, the median income for crew members was somewhere in the vicinity of $20,000, according to a major business publication. Royal Caribbean would not share the current median salary for its crew members, but I am certain that it amounts to a fraction of the cost of a Royal Bling gold-plated, zirconia-studded chalice.

And because most of the Icon’s hyper-sanitized spaces are just a frittata away from being a Delta lounge, one forgets that there are actual sailors on this ship, charged with the herculean task of docking it in port. “Having driven 100,000-ton aircraft carriers throughout my career,” retired Admiral James G. Stavridis, the former NATO Supreme Allied Commander Europe, writes to me, “I’m not sure I would even know where to begin with trying to control a sea monster like this one nearly three times the size.” (I first met Stavridis while touring Army bases in Germany more than a decade ago.)

Today, I decide to head to the hot tub near Swim & Tonic, where some of the ship’s drunkest reprobates seem to gather (the other tubs are filled with families and couples). The talk here, like everywhere else on the ship, concerns football, a sport about which I know nothing. It is apparent that four teams have recently competed in some kind of finals for the year, and that two of them will now face off in the championship. Often when people on the Icon speak, I will try to repeat the last thing they said with a laugh or a nod of disbelief. “Yes, 20-yard line! Ha!” “Oh my God, of course, scrimmage.”

Soon we are joined in the hot tub by the late-middle-age drunk guy with the duck necklace. He is wearing a bucket hat with the legend HAWKEYES , which, I soon gather, is yet another football team. “All right, who turned me in?” Duck Necklace says as he plops into the tub beside us. “I get a call in the morning,” he says. “It’s security. Can you come down to the dining room by 10 a.m.? You need to stay away from the members of this religious family.” Apparently, the gregarious Duck Necklace had photobombed the wrong people. There are several families who present as evangelical Christians or practicing Muslims on the ship. One man, evidently, was not happy that Duck Necklace had made contact with his relatives. “It’s because of religious stuff; he was offended. I put my arm around 20 people a day.”

Everyone laughs. “They asked me three times if I needed medication,” he says of the security people who apparently interrogated him in full view of others having breakfast.

Another hot-tub denizen suggests that he should have asked for fentanyl. After a few more drinks, Duck Necklace begins to muse about what it would be like to fall off the ship. “I’m 62 and I’m ready to go,” he says. “I just don’t want a shark to eat me. I’m a huge God guy. I’m a Bible guy. There’s some Mayan theory squaring science stuff with religion. There is so much more to life on Earth.” We all nod into our Red Stripes.

“I never get off the ship when we dock,” he says. He tells us he lost $6,000 in the casino the other day. Later, I look him up, and it appears that on land, he’s a financial adviser in a crisp gray suit, probably a pillar of his North Chicago community.

THE OCEAN IS TEEMING with fascinating life, but on the surface it has little to teach us. The waves come and go. The horizon remains ever far away.

I am constantly told by my fellow passengers that “everybody here has a story.” Yes, I want to reply, but everybody everywhere has a story. You, the reader of this essay, have a story, and yet you’re not inclined to jump on a cruise ship and, like Duck Necklace, tell your story to others at great pitch and volume. Maybe what they’re saying is that everybody on this ship wants to have a bigger, more coherent, more interesting story than the one they’ve been given. Maybe that’s why there’s so much signage on the doors around me attesting to marriages spent on the sea. Maybe that’s why the Royal Caribbean newsletter slipped under my door tells me that “this isn’t a vacation day spent—it’s bragging rights earned.” Maybe that’s why I’m so lonely.

Today is a big day for Icon passengers. Today the ship docks at Royal Caribbean’s own Bahamian island, the Perfect Day at CocoCay. (This appears to be the actual name of the island.) A comedian at the nightclub opined on what his perfect day at CocoCay would look like—receiving oral sex while learning that his ex-wife had been killed in a car crash (big laughter). But the reality of the island is far less humorous than that.

One of the ethnic tristate ladies in the infinity pool told me that she loved CocoCay because it had exactly the same things that could be found on the ship itself. This proves to be correct. It is like the Icon, but with sand. The same tired burgers, the same colorful tubes conveying children and water from Point A to B. The same swim-up bar at its Hideaway ($140 for admittance, no children allowed; Royal Caribbean must be printing money off its clientele). “There was almost a fight at The Wizard of Oz ,” I overhear an elderly woman tell her companion on a chaise lounge. Apparently one of the passengers began recording Royal Caribbean’s intellectual property and “three guys came after him.”

I walk down a pathway to the center of the island, where a sign reads DO NOT ENTER: YOU HAVE REACHED THE BOUNDARY OF ADVENTURE . I hear an animal scampering in the bushes. A Royal Caribbean worker in an enormous golf cart soon chases me down and takes me back to the Hideaway, where I run into Mrs. Rand in a bikini. She becomes livid telling me about an altercation she had the other day with a woman over a towel and a deck chair. We Suites have special towel privileges; we do not have to hand over our SeaPass Card to score a towel. But the Rands are not Suites. “People are so entitled here,” Mrs. Rand says. “It’s like the airport with all its classes.” “You see,” I want to say, “this is where your husband’s love of Ayn Rand runs into the cruelties and arbitrary indignities of unbridled capitalism.” Instead we make plans to meet for a final drink in the Schooner Bar tonight (the Rands will stand me up).

Back on the ship, I try to do laps, but the pool (the largest on any cruise ship, naturally) is fully trashed with the detritus of American life: candy wrappers, a slowly dissolving tortilla chip, napkins. I take an extra-long shower in my suite, then walk around the perimeter of the ship on a kind of exercise track, past all the alluring lifeboats in their yellow-and-white livery. Maybe there is a dystopian angle to the HBO series that I will surely end up pitching, one with shades of WALL-E or Snowpiercer . In a collapsed world, a Royal Caribbean–like cruise liner sails from port to port, collecting new shipmates and supplies in exchange for the precious energy it has on board. (The actual Icon features a new technology that converts passengers’ poop into enough energy to power the waterslides . In the series, this shitty technology would be greatly expanded.) A very young woman (18? 19?), smart and lonely, who has only known life on the ship, walks along the same track as I do now, contemplating jumping off into the surf left by its wake. I picture reusing Duck Necklace’s words in the opening shot of the pilot. The girl is walking around the track, her eyes on the horizon; maybe she’s highborn—a Suite—and we hear the voice-over: “I’m 19 and I’m ready to go. I just don’t want a shark to eat me.”

Before the cruise is finished, I talk to Mr. Washy Washy, or Nielbert of the Philippines. He is a sweet, gentle man, and I thank him for the earworm of a song he has given me and for keeping us safe from the dreaded norovirus. “This is very important to me, getting people to wash their hands,” he tells me in his burger getup. He has dreams, as an artist and a performer, but they are limited in scope. One day he wants to dress up as a piece of bacon for the morning shift.

THE MAIDEN VOYAGE OF THE TITANIC (the Icon of the Seas is five times as large as that doomed vessel) at least offered its passengers an exciting ending to their cruise, but when I wake up on the eighth day, all I see are the gray ghosts that populate Miami’s condo skyline. Throughout my voyage, my writer friends wrote in to commiserate with me. Sloane Crosley, who once covered a three-day spa mini-cruise for Vogue , tells me she felt “so very alone … I found it very untethering.” Gideon Lewis-Kraus writes in an Instagram comment: “When Gary is done I think it’s time this genre was taken out back and shot.” And he is right. To badly paraphrase Adorno: After this, no more cruise stories. It is unfair to put a thinking person on a cruise ship. Writers typically have difficult childhoods, and it is cruel to remind them of the inherent loneliness that drove them to writing in the first place. It is also unseemly to write about the kind of people who go on cruises. Our country does not provide the education and upbringing that allow its citizens an interior life. For the creative class to point fingers at the large, breasty gentlemen adrift in tortilla-chip-laden pools of water is to gather a sour harvest of low-hanging fruit.

A day or two before I got off the ship, I decided to make use of my balcony, which I had avoided because I thought the view would only depress me further. What I found shocked me. My suite did not look out on Central Park after all. This entire time, I had been living in the ship’s Disneyland, Surfside, the neighborhood full of screaming toddlers consuming milkshakes and candy. And as I leaned out over my balcony, I beheld a slight vista of the sea and surf that I thought I had been missing. It had been there all along. The sea was frothy and infinite and blue-green beneath the span of a seagull’s wing. And though it had been trod hard by the world’s largest cruise ship, it remained.

This article appears in the May 2024 print edition with the headline “A Meatball at Sea.” When you buy a book using a link on this page, we receive a commission. Thank you for supporting The Atlantic.

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