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What To Expect From Ultimate World Cruise

Get ready to visit all seven continents, 65 countries, over 150 ports of call, and 11 world wonders..

By Robert Schrader | Published on October 18, 2023

1. Are You The Ideal World Cruise Traveler?

Looking at Royal Caribbean's Ultimate World Cruise℠ itinerary, you might be surprised by the sheer volume of bucket-list sites, even if you consider yourself a seasoned traveler. The great explorers of history spent this long — the full cruise lasts 274 days — on a single sailing across the sea, never mind going to all corners of the globe.

Your epic journey around the world, of course, is sure to come with plenty of new-to-you destinations. From world wonders such as the Pyramids of Giza and the Great Wall of China to sun-dappled islands from French Polynesia to Greece, the array and diversity of horizons you sail to is unparalleled. This isn't a cruise — it's the  cruise to top all other cruises.

2. Do You Want To Minimize Flights?

3. Is This Trip Too Good To Be True?

It might sound unbelievable that you'll be able to spread your arms out under Argentina's Christ the Redeemer statue and sip cocktails beneath the Sydney Opera House on the same sailing, but on this epic journey around the world, you can. The key to making the most of each port is to pace yourself — this is a long trip, in the best way possible.

Some stops along the Ultimate World Cruise℠ will invite more hiking and exploration (Jordan's ruins of Petra, for example), while the colorful waterfronts of European idylls like Bergen, Norway, are better for sitting down for a meal or drink. What makes this vacation unique is the luxury of time and space, which allow you to truly relax and explore many sides of yourself. You might consider yourself a total beach bum as you reach the sandy shores of Oahu but feel like a history buff as you take in the Taj Mahal. You might feel like an explorer as you explore the ruins of Chichén Itzá in Mexico on foot, then opt to take a camel when you reach the Pyramids of Giza.

4. How Much Does It Cost?

As you can imagine, this once-in-a-lifetime epic journey around the world is highly customizable. The ticket price for the 274-night journey ranges from $59,999 per person for an interior stateroom to $117,599 for a junior suite on the 2,476-passenger Serenade of the Seas® .

You might think that if you travel the world for almost a year, you'll need to bring your whole home with you, but this isn't necessarily the case. In fact, you'll want to err on the side of bringing less rather than more. You'll have laundry services (among other complimentary treats)  included in your fare, and can buy almost anything you need at ports. Focus on bringing a basic wardrobe built for laying in different climates, and any special items you know you can't easily buy, as well as medications and other need-to-haves. You won't want forget to pack bathing suits for Mexico, for example, or a coat for colder destinations.

So, is this the best way to travel the world? That's somewhat a matter of personal preference. Sailing the world with many of the same passengers offers an unprecendented bonding experience with like-minded travelers. The guests and crew become very much like a family on a world cruise, which can be a real joy to watch unfold — especially if you follow cruise etiquette and are considerate of others during the voyage. And the itinerary of the Ultimate World Cruise℠ 2023 is so extensive it's almost impossible to imagine. Certainly, if you love cruising and want to see much of the world as possible in one fell swoop, this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to check many travel icons off your bucket list.

5. Do You Really Set Sail For ... Everywhere?

It's important to note that you can opt for the whole cruise, or stay onboard for however long you want. Each of four Ultimate World Cruise℠ segments — Americas, Asia Pacific, Middle East & Med and Europe & Beyond — can be booked a la carte, with business class airfare between your home and wherever you start and end included in the price. Or, pick one of the 17 sailings (ranging from nine to 29 nights) that make up the cruise and visit the sites that are most exciting to you.

Then again, if you can find the time, it's tempting to complete most of your bucket list in a single, epic trip when you circumnavigate the globe onboard a cruise ship. The iconic world wonders you'll see are only the beginning on this epic adventure.

Want to learn more? Check out the thrilling itinerary of the Ultimate World Cruise℠ .

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The Ultimate World Cruise – A Look at Royal Caribbean’s Round the World Cruise 2023

World Cruises are an incredible way to get a taste of the world, see incredible architecture, historical wonders, experience different cultures, and be awestruck by breathtaking natural beauty all while on a cruise. Each year 13 or so cruise lines offer World Cruises. And, starting in winter 2023-2024 we can count one more. The draw of World Cruises have been so great that a cruise line that is known for ice rinks, robot bartenders, and aqua theaters is joining the many cruise lines offering them. That’s right, Royal Caribbean has announced a World Cruise . And, in true Royal Caribbean fashion, this world cruise is unlike any other. Just as they have pushed the envelope in cruise ship design, with this World Cruise itinerary they are pushing the boundaries of a World Cruise. “The Ultimate World Cruise” as they are calling it is a 274 night, 7-continent adventure. Let’s take a look at Royal Caribbean’s first Round the World Cruise 2023.

The Basics:

The Ultimate World Cruise by Royal Caribbean is sailing roundtrip from Miami in December of 2023.

Ship: Serenade of the Seas Departure: Miami, Florida (also offered in segments, see itinerary section below for more details) Dates: December 10, 2023 – September 10th, 2024 Cost: Starting at $60,999 per person (+port fees and taxes). 10% discount if paid in full by January 6, 2023.

What Makes Royal Caribbean’s World Cruise 2023 Different?

At nearly 9 months long, this is the longest world cruise out there.

It’s really the length of the itinerary that stands out – at 274 nights it’s 94 nights longer than the next longest World Cruise currently on the market. Oceania Cruises annually offers a World Cruise typically about 180 nights – however, adjusting departure dates can make a voyage with Oceania up to 196 nights. Anyway you design it though, 274 nights is by far the longest voyage offered as one continuous voyage.

It Visits All Seven Continents*

World Cruises rarely (if ever) repeat the same itinerary two years in a row. Really it’s rare that they would ever sail the same itinerary…ever. These itineraries have to stay interesting and engaging for World Cruise guests that are often repeat cruisers. Many have done the World Cruise year after year after year. This means that the guests want variety in their itineraries and may figure that if one year they explore Asia the next they may explore Antarctica. It is not a necessity to see everything as another World Cruise will (someday) happen.

Royal Caribbean’s round the world cruise is different. This cruise is like taking your bucket list and pouring it out over the map. It’s basically the itinerary of all the other World Cruises combined – *with the exception that while it technically visits Africa it only very lightly touches on the African continent.

There Are Some Good Perks

World Cruises are notorious for offering perks and amenities to the passengers (especially the ones that are completing the full voyage) that you wouldn’t find on an average cruise. On this particular voyage they are offering the “Seven Wonders” package for some of their most loyal cruisers in their Crown & Anchor loyalty program. The other inclusions are pretty good as well. Royal Caribbean is considered a main stream or contemporary cruise line and these inclusions are more along the lines of what is being included and offered by the luxury brands for their world cruises. Will this make other mainstream cruise lines increase what is included on future voyages? Only time will tell.

Other amenities for guests sailing on the complete Ultimate World Cruise 2023 are:

• Round-trip business class airfare
• pre-cruise hotel stay and welcome gala
• transfers between airport, hotel, and ship
• Deluxe beverage package for the entire voyage
• “VOOM” Wi-Fi internet for entire voyage
• Gratuities (this is a big one, think about the $15 or so usually per person/per day x 274, this is a huge savings!)
• Laundry Service!! (Another big one, as how else would you pack for 9 months?)
• Platinum Status and above loyalty members will have excursions to the Seven New World Wonders included.

If you are only sailing part of the voyage, there are still amenities:

• Laundry Service!! (Another big one, as how else would you pack for 9 months?

*As an Amazon Affiliate I may earn a commission on eligible purchases

Can You Sail Just part of the Round the World Cruise?

Not if you don’t want to! This voyage is being offered either as an entire voyage but is also being broken up into four different and unique segments. While some guests will be on for the entire voyage it’s not necessary to be onboard for the entire voyage if you either don’t want to or simply aren’t able to.

This is a great opportunity for guests to try out Royal Caribbean’s Ultimate Round the World Cruise 2023 experience for a shorter time, or maybe it’s just the time that would fit in their schedule. It can also be great for someone that has been wanting to explore a certain region for a bit longer and that segment of this itinerary happens to fit that bill. Some guests might be on for just one segment whereas others will be on for several segments and then some guests will be on for the entire cruise. Offering this voyage as segments as well as the entire voyage offers so many more opportunities for guests to experience this Ultimate World Cruise.

What is the Itinerary Like on Royal Caribbean’s Ultimate World Cruise 2023?

The itinerary on this Round the World adventure is pretty good. If you’d like a complete look at the itinerary and an awesome video about this voyage, please check out this video where I review the cruise and itinerary with my friend (and incredible wealth of knowledge/travel professional) Joanne:

This itinerary does go around the world and visits some incredible places. There are a few things to note when reviewing the itinerary though:

• Port times aren’t listed on the itinerary – yet. This means that some days could be shorter or longer in different ports than expected.
• The large cities are listed versus where the ship is actually docked. While the ship will dock in one place that is near the big famous and large city, in those ports you will need to get transportation (or a tour) into the city itself. Examples of this are Rome (which is really Civitavecchia), Athens (Piraeus), Beijing (Tianjing), etc.
• There aren’t a lot of overnights. Often on World Cruises of this length the ship would have overnights in many cities. This doesn’t seem to be the case on this itinerary. That’s not a bad thing and it will still give you a taste of the places, but it might not be as in depth as you would have gotten if the ship had overnighted there.
• It doesn’t list which ports require tenders (yet). However, if you have any mobility challenges where using a tender or water taxi might pose challenging, please check out Royal Caribbean’s Accessible Cruise page for more information.

The Itinerary, in Four Parts:

If you were to sail on the entire voyage you would sail roundtrip from Miami on December 10th, 2023 and return September 10th, 2024. During that time you would visit 60+ countries, have the opportunity to visit 11 world wonders, and spend 274 nights onboard.

Segment 1: December 10th – February 11th Round the Horn: Americas and Antartica Expedition:

This segment begins in Miami on December 10th, 2023 and ends in Los Angeles on February 11th, 2024.

This ‘Round the Horn’ experience will visit 36 destinations in 64 nights around the Americas (mostly Central and South American). Highlights of this segment include Barbados, Devil’s Island, Rio de Janeiro, Buenos Aires, Falkland Islands, Antartica, Ushuaia, Lima (with the potential to see Machu Picchu), Ecuador, and Mexico.

Segment 2: February 11th – May 9th Wonders of Asia and the Pacific, Expedition 02:

This segment starts in Los Angeles on February 11th and ends in Dubai on May 9th, 2024.

This Wonders of Asia and the Pacific expedition includes 40 destinations and is nearly 3 months long at 87 nights. This also includes the Pacific crossing which is the longest stretch of sea days on this itinerary (don’t worry, there will be plenty to do onboard and sea days are a great way to recharge!)

Highlights of this segment include Hawaii, French Polynesia, New Zealand (North Island only), Australia (including options for the Great Barrier Reef), Indonesia, Philippines, Hong Kong, China (including options for the Great Wall of China), Japan, South Korea, Vietnam, Singapore, Malaysia, Sri Lanka, India (including options to see the Taj Mahal – will likely require a flight), United Arab Emirates.

Segment 3: May 9th – July 4th Middle East Treasures and Marvels of the Med, Expedition 03

This segment starts in Dubai on May 9th and ends in Barcelona on July 4th.

During this expedition you will experience 44 destinations across 63 nights. Highlights include Oman, Jordan (with options for Petra and Wadi Rum), Egypt (with options to see the pyramids), Suez Canal transit, Israel, Cyprus, extensive Greece (lots of islands!), Turkey (options for Ephesus), Bulgaria, Romania, Ukraine, Italy (including options for Pompeii, Rome), Slovenia, Croatia, Montenegro, Malta, France, Spain.

Segment 4: July 4th – September 10th Capitals of Culture, Expedition 04:

This expedition starts in Barcelona on July 4th and ends in Miami on September 10th.

Highlights of this segment include Spain, Morocco (including Casablanca), Portugal, Ireland, France, England, Belgium, Denmark, Germany, Estonia, Russia, Finland, Sweden, Lithuania, Denmark, Norway, The Netherlands, Iceland, Greenland, Newfoundland, New York City, Bermuda, Perfect Day at Coco Cay Bahamas.

Logistics and Things to Think About:

When thinking about booking a World Cruise it is easy to get caught up in the glamour of sailing the seven seas. The less glamorous side though is everything you need to do to get ready to sail. Being gone for 9 months is a long time. From who will water your plants to how you will get your prescriptions (or whether you can bring enough onboard), there’s a lot to think about to get ready to be away from home for 9 months. Here’s a few things to think about:

• What visas do you need? Most cruise lines will supply you with a basic list. At the end of the day though it’s your responsibility to get the required visas.
• Weatherizing your home – or finding a house sitter
• Getting any important documents notarized and/or having a power of attorney – I never would have thought of this one until a situation recently happened in my life where we needed something notarized while at sea. Who knew it could be such an adventure?!
• Mail forwarding/stopping your mail/having a trustworthy neighbor pick it up?
• Prescriptions/medical needs – and, importantly – travel insurance!
• Cell phone plans – I love my plan through Google Fi which has allowed me to use my phone (without roaming fees) around the world (referral link)
• Credit Cards without international fees! I use Chase Sapphire Preferred and have enjoyed it’s point system , both for travel rewards, the ability to transfer it to travel partners, but also for other cash back options as well. Plus, there’s a huge sign on points bonus that would easily pay for an international flight.

Will There Be the Same Crew for the Entire Voyage?

There needs to be some crew change at some point. And, that includes some of the higher ranking crew, too. 274 nights is 9 months. That is a long time! Can you imagine working every single day for 9 months? (Now, some of you surely can, but the majority of the work force expects to have a day off at some point.)

While some crew members will work for 9 or 10 month contracts and some will work the full Ultimate World Cruise, most will not. More than likely they will stagger departures and arrivals of key crew members so that it disrupts the cruise as little as possible.

In perspective though, many officer positions work for 3 months on and 3 months off (or some variation there of). Many positions in entertainment work 4-6 months at a time and then have a couple months off, and many other shipboard positions are for six month contracts. And, while keeping consistency throughout a voyage is important, a healthy work/life balance and avoiding burn out for crew is also incredibly important. However, as it is a World Cruise and there is value in consistency, my guess is the vacation between contracts for some crew in key passenger facing roles will be shortened to disrupt the cruise as little as possible and those crew changes will happen at the start/end of the different segments.

Is Royal Caribbean’s Round the World Cruise Really the “Ultimate World Cruise”?

That remains to be seen, and much like anything, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. In this case whether it is “ultimate” is up to the guests to decide. What might be the perfect World Cruise for some might not be for others.

However, this voyage has a lot going for it – from an interesting itinerary offered as a full voyage or in well thought out segments, lovely included amenities, a beautiful ship – it sounds like a great experience to me.

Would you ever consider going on a World Cruise?

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For $61,000, you can take Royal Caribbean’s 274-night cruise around the world

The ultimate world cruise will visit more than 150 destinations.

Cruise-lovers yearning to return to the open seas, this news is for you: Royal Caribbean International announced its inaugural 274-day Ultimate World Cruise will set sail in 2023.

The more than 150-destination itinerary aboard the Serenade of the Seas starts in Miami and includes visits to every continent, 65 countries and 11 world wonders . It will cost you $61,000 for an interior state room, all the way up to $112,000 for a junior suite.

The cruise will sail from Dec. 10, 2023, to Sept. 10, 2024. Bookings can be made by phone now.

The journey includes opportunities to see just about every iconic tourist draw on the planet. Mount Fuji, the Taj Mahal, the Great Barrier Reef, Chichen Itza, Machu Picchu, the Blue Lagoon and the Great Wall of China. If you can think of it, it’s probably on the list.

The star of the show are obviously the ports of call, but what about the ship you will be living on for 274 nights? According to Cruise Critic , Serenade of the Seas is a midsize vessel that can carry 2,100-passengers and nearly 900 crew members.

Peak Caribbean cruise season is coming. Here’s what to know before getting on board.

The ship’s website promises a lot to do, which is important considering world cruise guests will be spending a lot of time on board.

Many amenities are ones you may expect, such as a theater, a spa and a fitness center. Then there are the ones you might not, including mini golf, rock climbing and singalong parties. There’s a nightclub where guests can go to “dance, chill or be noticed,” a card room and a game show. Travelers can attend guest lectures and take classes on cupcake-making, scrapbooking, dancing, sushi and foreign languages, among others.

On Royal Caribbean’s Facebook post announcing the world cruise , fans celebrated the news but lamented the cost.

“Lord, let me run grab a lottery ticket real quick!” Rebecca Taylor Little commented.

“Sounds absolutely wonderful! It breaks my heart that I’ll probably never be able to experience it,” Trisha O’Neill commented. “Why are all the cool itineraries reserved for only the rich?”

Covid will find its way onto cruises. The critical thing is what happens next.

A number of companies have reintroduced world cruises after a pandemic hiatus, and they, too, are not cheap.

Regent Seven Seas Cruises’ 143-night world cruise, priced from $78,000 to $209,000, departs on Jan. 7, 2023. Oceania Cruises’ 2023 “Around The World In 180 Days” voyage sold out in a single day when bookings (starting at $41,600) went live on Jan. 27, 2021. Silversea also sold out its 2023 world cruise in a day , with fares ranging from $74,000 to $278,000 per person.

As the cruise industry recovers from billions of dollars in losses, most are operating with new covid protocols in place to avoid onboard outbreaks. On Royal Caribbean cruises leaving from the U.S. and various other international ports, all passengers 12 and older must be vaccinated . All passengers must present negative tests before boarding and can expect indoor mask mandates

While the delta variant surge appeared to impact cruise sales over the summer, it seems customers don’t need much convincing to sign up for sailings again. Carnival announced last month that the company’s “cumulative advanced bookings for the second half of 2022 are ahead of a very strong 2019.” Data from Expedia Group’s Expedia Cruises 2021 Virtual Conference comparing the first quarters of 2021 to 2019 shows the average length of cruise bookings has increased, as has the average spend per cabin.

“People love cruising and people are tired of boredom,” Vicky Freed, Royal Caribbean International’s senior vice president of sales, trade support and service, told The Washington Post in August. “People are saying ‘I want to go out’ and they’re spending more on vacations now because they have vacation dollars saved up from 2020 and possibly 2021.”

More cruise news

Living at sea: Travelers on a 9-month world cruise are going viral on social media. For some travelers, not even nine months was enough time on a ship; they sold cars, moved out of their homes and prepared to set sail for three years . That plan fell apart, but a 3.5-year version is waiting in the wings.

Passengers beware: It’s not all buffets and dance contests. Crime data reported by cruise lines show that the number of sex crimes has increased compared to previous years. And though man-overboard cases are rare, they are usually deadly .

The more you know: If you’re cruise-curious, here are six tips from a newcomer. Remember that in most cases, extra fees and add-ons will increase the seemingly cheap price of a sailing. And if you happen to get sick , know what to expect on board.

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The ultimate guide to Royal Caribbean cruise ships and itineraries

For megaresort lovers, Royal Caribbean may be the ultimate cruise line.

The line's biggest ships are bigger than any other cruise vessels afloat, and they're chock-full of more restaurants, bars, entertainment zones and attractions than you'll find anywhere else at sea — or even at many of the biggest land resorts.

On Royal Caribbean's giant Oasis Class and Icon Class ships, there are multiple pool areas, watery play zones, rock climbing walls, surfing simulators, miniature golf courses, basketball courts and even zip lines. And that's just on the top deck. Interior areas bring everything from full-size spas and large casinos to Broadway-quality theaters with top-name shows.

For more cruise guides, tips and news, sign up for TPG's cruise newsletter .

Some Royal Caribbean ships even feature ice skating rinks. Really.

If all that seems like too much to fit on a cruise vessel, consider this: The biggest Royal Caribbean ships are 20 decks high, nearly 1,200 feet long and capable of carrying more than 7,000 passengers.

In short, they're like the megaresorts you see in Las Vegas or Orlando. Except they float.

3 things TPG loves about Royal Caribbean

• The incredible array of onboard activities
• The over-the-top super suites on some ships
• The top-notch entertainment, including Broadway shows

What we could do without

• Sold-out shows, particularly in onboard comedy clubs

The Royal Caribbean fleet

Royal Caribbean is the world's largest cruise line by passenger capacity, with 27 ships that together offer nearly 100,000 berths.

These 27 ships include the world's six biggest cruise vessels — Icon of the Seas , Wonder of the Seas , Symphony of the Seas , Harmony of the Seas , Allure of the Seas and Oasis of the Seas — each of which can hold more than 6,600 passengers.

Five of the these six giant ships, all similar in design, are part of what's known as the Oasis Class — a hugely popular series of massive megaships that began debuting in 2009 and have changed the face of cruising. A sixth Oasis Class ship — Utopia of the Seas — is scheduled to join the fleet later this year, and the line recently ordered a seventh vessel in the series that'll be ready in 2028.

The outlier among the six ships mentioned above is Icon of the Seas, which isn't an Oasis Class ship but the first of an all-new series of even bigger vessels called the Icon Class. At, 250,800 tons, It's currently the world's biggest cruise ship . Royal Caribbean has ordered two more Icon Class ships that will begin sailing in 2025 and 2026, respectively.

The Oasis Class and Icon Class ships are not the only biggies in the Royal Caribbean fleet. Five big Quantum Class ships and three big Freedom Class ships each have total capacities ranging from around 4,500 to 5,600 passengers.

Add those in, and Royal Caribbean operates 14 of the world's 35 biggest cruise ships.

Related: 4 things you'll love about Royal Caribbean's Odyssey of the Seas

The line also operates five somewhat smaller Voyager Class vessels that can each hold around 3,800 passengers at maximum occupancy.

Together, the 19 Icon, Oasis, Quantum, Freedom and Voyager class vessels make up Royal Caribbean's big-ship fleet.

The line's remaining eight vessels, split among two classes, are relatively smaller, with maximum occupancy topping out at around 2,500 passengers.

While not necessarily the focus at Royal Caribbean, these smaller ships, which in general are the line's older ships, allow it to offer itineraries to places that aren't as easy for big ships to visit. Not all ports in the world can handle a ship the size of Wonder of the Seas.

The smaller ships also appeal to a subset of Royal Caribbean fans who like a little more intimacy in a cruise vessel and don't mind giving up some onboard amenities to get it. These ships are also often less expensive for travelers on a per-day basis.

With each step-down in size, you'll find fewer restaurants, bars, entertainment offerings and attractions. However, even the smallest of Royal Caribbean ships still have quite a bit to offer.

Related: The 9 most exciting new cruise ships of 2024

Destinations and itineraries

Royal Caribbean sails almost everywhere in the world, but its heaviest presence is in the Caribbean and Europe. In a typical summer, the line will deploy about half its ships on sailings to the Caribbean, Bahamas and Bermuda while sending another seven or eight ships to Europe. The line typically sends four ships every summer to Alaska.

During the winter, the line will move even more of its ships to the Caribbean and send a few to Asia and Australia.

In recent years, Royal Caribbean has deployed one or more ships to China for sailings aimed at the Chinese market. One of the line's newest ships, Spectrum of the Seas , has offered trips for Chinese travelers out of Shanghai and Tianjin, China (the port for Beijing).

In North America, Royal Caribbean ships generally sail out of PortMiami , Port Canaveral , Fort Lauderdale's Port Everglades and Tampa in Florida; San Juan, Puerto Rico; Galveston, Texas; New Orleans; Bayonne, New Jersey (one of the ports for New York City); Baltimore; Boston; Seattle; Vancouver, British Columbia; and Seward, Alaska.

In Europe, Royal Caribbean ships mostly sail out of Southampton, England; Amsterdam; Copenhagen; Piraeus, Greece (the port for Athens); Istanbul; Barcelona; Civitavecchia, Italy (the port for Rome) and — since 2021 — Ravenna, Italy (which replaced Venice as a home port).

Related: The 5 best destinations you can visit on a Royal Caribbean ship

Who sails Royal Caribbean?

For the most part, Royal Caribbean operates big, bustling megaships that will appeal to people who like a megaresort experience. In other words, if you're the kind of person who loves staying on property at Disney World or at a giant Las Vegas resort, this is the line for you. Royal Caribbean ships offer vacationers a ton of options, whether it be for dining (some vessels have more than 20 distinct places to grab a bite) or entertainment. They are lively and fun.

That said, they also offer serene spots. You can enjoy a quiet afternoon reading a book on a bench in the tree-lined Central Park area of Wonder of the Seas while, just a few decks above, thousands of vacationers frolic away at the ship's three distinct pool areas. Royal Caribbean's designers are masters at designing vessels that can carry thousands and thousands of people but still feel relatively uncrowded — at least in some areas.

Insider tip: To escape the bustle on a Royal Caribbean ship, seek out the relatively quiet Solarium. It's an adult-only, deck-top retreat found on every Royal Caribbean vessel.

Royal Caribbean ships offer an inordinate amount of teen- and tween-friendly attractions — everything from some of the largest waterslides at sea to bumper car pavilions. That makes them particularly appealing to families, including multigenerational groups. Families are a big part of Royal Caribbean's business.

Related: Is Icon of the Seas the ultimate family vacation?

It's not just families that flock to Royal Caribbean, though. The line's ships are designed to provide a little something for everyone, and they appeal to a wide demographic, including couples of all ages and even solo travelers (the line has added solo cabins to more ships in recent years).

The ships also draw customers from a wide range of incomes. Plentiful smaller and affordable cabins, included casual dining options, and a plethora of bars and onboard attractions give Royal Caribbean ships a for-the-masses feel and make them accessible to travelers on a budget.

Also, overlaid across most ships are high-end suites, eateries and services that are at a luxury level, and the line draws a good number of luxury-seeking travelers. Royal Caribbean executives like to say that if they carved out all the suites on their ships as a separate business, it would be the largest luxury cruise line in the world.

What Royal Caribbean cruisers all have in common is that they love a big, bustling resort experience.

Cabins and suites

Royal Caribbean is known for offering a wide range of accommodations on its ships. Some ships have as many as 34 categories of cabins. You'll find everything from relatively low-cost, windowless inside cabins measuring just 149 square feet (perfect for the budget traveler) to massive, multiroom suites that are more than 10 times that size.

Related: The ultimate guide to Royal Caribbean cabins and suites

At the high end, the accommodations are aimed at well-heeled travelers who, for whatever reason, prefer the megaship experience to being on a luxury ship, and these truly are among the most spectacular accommodations at sea. Some, such as the Royal Loft Suites found on Oasis Class ships, are two decks high with sweeping views across the top of the vessel. Icon of the Seas has a suite that is three decks high — the tallest suite in all of cruising.

Depending on the ship, top suites can come with such perks as private butlers (called Royal Genies) who attend to your every need, access to a private restaurant, access to a private suite lounge and sun deck, reserved seating in entertainment venues, and priority boarding and disembarkation.

Related: What it takes to get concierge lounge access on a cruise ship

Restaurants and dining

While a few of Royal Caribbean's smallest ships have relatively limited dining options, most of the line's vessels offer so many choices that it can almost be overwhelming.

On Royal Caribbean's Oasis Class ships there are more than 20 places to grab a bite, ranging from Johnny Rockets diners to high-end restaurants serving six-course tasting menus.

Every vessel has a main dining room and a casual buffet eatery where meals are included in the fare — the latter called either Windjammer Café or Windjammer Marketplace. For dinner in the main dining room, you must sign up for either My Time Dining, which is where you go whenever you want, or Traditional Dining, where you have a fixed table and time for dinner.

Other included-in-the-fare offerings found on some ships include Sorrento's pizza parlors, the Mediterranean cuisine-themed Solarium Bistro and the coffee bar Cafe Promenade.

In addition, every ship has a least one — and sometimes many — extra-charge eateries. The most common one found across the fleet is Chops Grille, the line's signature steakhouse. Many ships also have an Italian eatery, called either Giovanni's Table or Jamie's Italian by Jamie Oliver. There's also Hooked Seafood, a relatively new concept now on four vessels (Icon of the Seas, Wonder of the Seas, Symphony of the Seas and Navigator of the Seas) that serves lobster rolls, fish sandwiches and the like.

On some ships, you'll also find Izumi, a sushi-serving Asian eatery; Vintages, a small bite-serving wine bar; imaginative cuisine-serving Wonderland; and Playmakers Sports Bar & Arcade, which offers cold brews, burgers and wings along with games like foosball.

There are full-blown Starbucks cafes on some ships or at least a Starbucks stand.

In addition, some ships feature private restaurants just for passengers staying in suites along with top-tier members of the line's Crown & Anchor Society loyalty program .

Some of the extra-charge eateries come with a flat fee, usually around $35 to $50 per person, not including the cost of drinks. Others are a la carte.

If you know you want to eat at a few extra-charge restaurants during your voyage, you can buy one of several dining packages that offer meals at a discount.

Related: The 9 best meals you can have at sea

Entertainment and activities

No other cruise line has as broad a range of entertainment and activities on its ships as Royal Caribbean. As noted above, the line's biggest vessels offer multiple entertainment venues, from theaters to comedy clubs; all manner of deck-top attractions; large casinos; full-service spas; and even ice skating rinks. Plus, you'll find more bars, lounges and nightspots than you could think possible.

Theaters and shows

One of Royal Caribbean's great strengths is its theater entertainment, which can be mind-blowing at times — i.e., you won't believe you're seeing what you're seeing on a cruise ship.

Many of Royal Caribbean's biggest ships have state-of-the-art theaters as big as you'll find on Broadway, with top-name Broadway shows. Symphony of the Seas has "Hairspray," for instance, and Oasis of the Seas has Andrew Lloyd Webber's "Cats."

In some cases, the shows are cut down slightly (though some still run nearly two hours), and the casts aren't the A-team you'll find on Broadway. However, these are quality productions. The best part is — they are entirely free. Compare that with the hundreds of dollars you'll spend to take your family to a show in New York City.

Even more "wow," as Royal Caribbean executives like to say, are the ice skating shows put on at the ice skating rinks found on 14 of the line's ships. The rinks are in the interiors of the ships, surrounded by stadium seating for up to 775 people, and the shows are out of this world.

The line has hired Olympic-level skaters to star in the productions. In fact, the line likes to boast that it employs more world-class professional skaters than any other company in the world.

On Oasis Class ships, there also are 735-seat outdoor "aqua theaters" that are home to dazzling aerial and water shows (Icon of the Seas has its own version of this under a glass dome called the AquaDome). Quantum Class ships have Two70, an extraordinary, high-tech theater space that offers multisensory shows combining singing, dancing and acrobatics.

Some ships also have comedy clubs, and there's always live music in multiple venues nightly. We're particularly fond of the two-deck-high Music Halls on Quantum Class vessels.

Insider tip: Be sure to book the (free) tickets for onboard comedy clubs early. They sometimes sell out in advance due to heavy demand and limited capacity.

Other interior attractions and activities

In addition to entertainment spaces, the interiors of Royal Caribbean ships are loaded with other venues where passengers can kick back and let loose day and night, including a seemingly endless array of bars, lounges and nightspots.

Every Royal Caribbean ship has a casino, and on the line's bigger vessels, these are big operations. The Casino Royale on Oasis of the Seas sprawls with 450 slot machines, 27 table games (including blackjack, roulette and craps) and a poker room, plus its very own bar. The casinos on the four other Oasis Class ships are similarly giant.

The 14 vessels that are part of the Voyager, Freedom, Oasis and Icon classes also have Royal Promenades — indoor, mall-like spaces that are home to some of the coolest bars at sea, as well as food outlets and retail shops.

The version of the Royal Promenade on Oasis of the Seas, for instance, offers the Bionic Bar, where a robot makes the drinks, along with the equally innovative Rising Tide Bar, which rises between the Royal Promenade and the outdoor Central Park area three decks above while you drink. There's also a British pub, a karaoke lounge, a Latin-themed nightspot and — located one deck up in a balcony area — the line's signature Schooner Bar.

The line's five Quantum Class vessels have a much smaller version of the Royal Promenade called the Royal Esplanade that transitions into another indoor area called The Via.

The Quantum Class ships also have an indoor fun zone known as The SeaPlex that includes a bumper car pavilion. When the bumper cars aren't in use, the space transforms into a roller rink, which is also used as a "circus school" with lessons on a flying trapeze. Other SeaPlex activities include air hockey and table tennis.

For something quieter and more pampering, Royal Caribbean ships also all have spas. Some are enormous, with more than two dozen treatment rooms and thermal areas with hot stone chairs, rainforest shower areas, saunas and steam rooms.

Deck-top attractions

The top decks of Royal Caribbean ships are where things get wild. There is stuff you just won't see on any other vessel at sea.

There are pools, of course — on the bigger ships, oodles of them. The Oasis Class ships have three distinct pool areas, as well as a watery play zone for kids. A growing number of Royal Caribbean ships also have water parks with significant waterslides.

You'll also find all sorts of other fun-focused attractions — giant rock climbing walls, surfing simulators, zip lines, miniature golf courses and basketball courts, to name a few. Some recently built ships even have skydiving simulators — giant acrylic tubes where you get to experience the sensation of skydiving.

On Oasis Class ships, there's also an outdoor Boardwalk area with a hand-carved carousel. On the new Icon Class ships, the Boardwalk area is replaced with a watery play zone for younger kids called Surfside.

The most out-there deck-top attractions on Royal Caribbean ships are surely the North Star rides found on Quantum Class ships. Perhaps the most bizarre attractions ever conceived for a cruise ship, they are giant mechanical arms topped with glass-enclosed capsules that will take you soaring above the ships for the view.

The North Star is generally free to ride. It also can be booked for special events, such as weddings, for a charge.

Related: The 15 best cruise ships for people who never want to grow up

Children's programs

Royal Caribbean has one of the most extensive children's programs at sea, with programs and activities for children as young as 6 months old through the age of 17.

The heart of the program, called Adventure Ocean, has free, supervised activities daily for children ages 3 to 12.

The line splits children here up into three age groups: Aquanauts (ages 3 to 5 years), Explorers (ages 6 to 8 years) and Voyagers (ages 9 to 12 years), each with its own age-appropriate activities ranging from scavenger hunts to arts and crafts. On many ships, there are extensive dedicated spaces for the different groups.

While the free programming ends at 10 p.m., you can pay extra to leave your kids at Adventure Ocean until 2 a.m., when it transforms into a supervised Late Night Party Zone.

Royal Caribbean also operates a Royal Babies nursery program for children ages 6 to 18 months old that includes interactive child and parent classes with activities developed by early childhood experts. The Royal Tots program (for ages 18 months to 3 years) offers 45-minute interactive playground sessions with age-appropriate activities and toys. Both programs are hosted by trained youth staff. On many ships, parents can drop off their babies at the nursery for short-term babysitting (this service comes with an extra charge).

Royal Caribbean also offers dedicated teen and tween programs on ships for children ages 12 to 17. On some vessels, such as the Quantum Class ships, you'll find a dedicated space with games and a widescreen TV called The Living Room where teens can hang out, plus a teens-only disco called Fuel.

Related: A peek at Perfect Day by CocoCay, Royal Caribbean's private island

What to know before you go

Required documents.

If you're a U.S. citizen on a cruise that starts and ends in a U.S. port, you'll need either a current passport or an official copy of your birth certificate and a driver's license or other government-issued photo identification to sail. Passports must be valid for at least six months. For cruises from international ports, you'll need a passport. The name on your reservation must be exactly as it is stated on your passport or other official proof of nationality.

Royal Caribbean adds an automatic service gratuity of $18 to $20.50 per person per day to final bills, depending on your cabin category. If you are unhappy with the service you receive, you can adjust this amount at the Guest Services desk before disembarking. An 18% gratuity is added to bills for bars, minibars, salons and spas.

Related: Everything you need to know about tipping on cruise ships

Royal Caribbean has one of the fastest Wi-Fi systems at sea — so fast that you're able to watch Netflix from your room on your mobile device. Pricing changes over time, but recently has been priced at $17.99 per day per device for a package that includes streaming. There also are multi-device packages that are less expensive on a per-device basis.

Related: How fast is the internet on Royal Caribbean ships? We put it to the test

Carry-on drinks policy

Royal Caribbean allows you to bring two bottles of wine or Champagne per cabin onto ships at boarding, plus up to a dozen standard cans, bottles or cartons of nonalcoholic drinks such as sodas. The line charges a $15 corkage fee if you bring the wine or Champagne to an onboard restaurant or other public areas to drink.

Smoking policy

Smoking (including e-cigarette smoking) is allowed only in designated outdoor areas, casinos and the cigar clubs found on Freedom Class and Voyager Class ships. It's forbidden in cabins and on cabin balconies, and those who violate this rule will face a $250 cleaning fee. In the casino, only cigarette smoking is allowed, and only in designated areas on most ships (smoking in casinos is forbidden on sailings out of Australia and U.K. ports).

Unlike some lines, Royal Caribbean does not build self-service launderettes onto its ships. Vessels offer extra-charge laundry and dry cleaning services.

Electrical outlets

All vessels have North American-style 110-volt outlets in rooms, as well as European-style 220-volt outlets. A growing number of vessels also have USB ports in cabins.

The currency used on all Royal Caribbean ships is U.S. dollars, no matter where they are in the world. All vessels operate on a "cashless system," with any onboard purchases you make posting automatically to your onboard account. You'll receive a SeaPass card that you can use to make charges.

Drinking age

You must be 21 to consume alcohol on sailings originating in North America or the United Arab Emirates. The drinking age on sailings from South America, Europe, Asia, Australia and New Zealand is 18.

During the day, there is no specific dress code, and people dress casually. If it's a sea day in a warm-weather destination, and you're bound for the top deck, that means looking like you're going to the beach — T-shirts, shorts and bathing suits (with a cover-up to go inside) are just fine.

During the evenings, there is an official dress code, but it only applies to passengers entering the main dining room. On any given night, one of three dress codes will apply — casual, smart casual or formal.

Casual means just that — jeans, polo shirts and sundresses. Smart casual is a step up to collared shirts, dresses, skirts and blouses, or pantsuits, with a jacket for men optional. Formal officially means suits and ties, tuxedos, cocktail dresses or evening gowns. Don't worry if you don't want to go that fancy, though. Not everybody plays into it. You'll see most men wearing suits or sports coats and women in cocktail dresses.

Related: What to pack for your first cruise

Royal Caribbean loyalty program

Royal Caribbean has a point-based frequent cruiser program , the Crown & Anchor Society, that has six tiers ranging from Gold (requiring 3 points) to Pinnacle Club (700 points).

Members earn points for every night they sail on one of the line's ships, with double points awarded to passengers staying in suites. It takes one cruise to hit the first tier, Gold. It would take five cruises if you're doing seven-night trips (fewer if you're in a suite) to reach the second tier, Platinum (30 points).

Lower tiers don't bring all that much in terms of truly valuable benefits. You'll receive things like priority check-in and a private departure lounge with continental breakfast at the end of a trip. However, higher levels of the program start to be very enticing.

The second-to-highest tier, Diamond Plus (175 points), brings Concierge Club access, priority seating at onboard shows, an exclusive number to call for bookings and reduced rates for solo travelers, plus other things. The top Pinnacle Club level brings free cruises after hitting key milestones.

Note that, unlike airline frequent flyer programs, cruise line loyalty programs do not require you to requalify for status every year. So, yes, the perks with lower tiers aren't great, but it's not as difficult as it might at first seem to hit the more rewarding higher-level tiers in just a few years if you're cruising a lot.

A passenger staying in suites can get to the Diamond Plus level with just 13 seven-night cruises. Take a few longer voyages, like a transatlantic sailing, and you can reach it even sooner.

Related: The TPG guide to cruise line loyalty programs

How much does a Royal Caribbean cruise cost?

Royal Caribbean designs its ships to appeal to a broad mix of people, in part by offering a wide range of cabin types at varying price points. On a typical sailing, you might find an entry-level cabin for around $100 per person per night, while a high-end suite is five or 10 times that amount.

As of the time of this guide's posting, for instance, a two-bedroom Star Loft Suite on Harmony of the Seas for a seven-night Caribbean cruise in January 2026 was going for $7,559 per person, based on double occupancy. That's more than 11 times the cost of the least-expensive inside cabin (which was starting at $646 per person, based on double occupancy). Balcony cabins on the same sailing started at around $836 per person, based on double occupancy.

Note the "based on double occupancy" caveat. As is typical for cruise lines, Royal Caribbean charges on a per-person basis, not per room, and it prices most cabins based on two people occupying a room. It does offer a small number of cabins on some ships that are priced based on single occupancy for solo travelers.

In general, Royal Caribbean's big, resort-like Icon Class, Oasis Class and Quantum Class ships will be more expensive than the line's older, smaller vessels (Icon Class ships are particularly pricey ). However, there are a lot of factors that go into pricing for any given cruise, including the popularity of the specific itinerary, the time of year when the cruise is taking place and changing demand trends.

As you might expect, pricing for all ships will generally be less during offseason periods such as September and October.

The timing of when you book can also matter. Cruises book up much further in advance than airplanes or hotels. Many cruisers will tell you that the best pricing for any given sailing often is available when cruises first go on sale (which can be a good two years before a departure). Booking far in advance also gives you the best chance of getting your preferred cabin type and location on a ship.

Once on board a Royal Caribbean vessel, you'll pay extra for most drinks (most beers will set you back $7.99, for instance; wine by the glass ranges from $8 to $14), extra-charge restaurants, spa services, shore excursions, internet service and a few other things — unless you've bought a package for some of these items in advance.

Most onboard activities, such as rock climbing and zip lining, are included in the fare, as are your lodging, meals (in non-extra-charge restaurants) and entertainment.

Related: 15 ways that first-time cruisers waste money on a cruise

How to book

If you're sure you know what sort of cabin you want, on which ship, on which itinerary — and about a dozen other things — you can head over to RoyalCaribbean.com and book directly.

That said, given the complexity of booking a cruise — there are a lot of decisions to make during the booking process, trust us — we recommend that you use a seasoned travel agent who specializes in cruises.

A good travel agent will quiz you about your particular interests, travel style and preferences and steer you to the perfect cruise line, ship, itinerary and cabin for you. An agent also can help you if something goes wrong before, during or after your voyage.

If you're sure that Royal Caribbean is your line, look for a travel agent who specializes in trips with the brand. You want someone who knows all 34 of those cabin categories that we mentioned above and, preferably, has done ship inspections to see them firsthand.

Related: How to book a cruise with points and miles

Whether you use a travel agent or not, make sure to maximize your credit card spend when paying for the cruise by using a credit card that offers extra points for travel purchases . This could be the Chase Sapphire Reserve® , which offers 3 Ultimate Rewards points per dollar on travel and dining (excluding the annual $300 travel credit). There's also the Chase Sapphire Preferred® Card , which offers 2 Ultimate Rewards points per dollar on travel (and 3 Ultimate Rewards points per dollar on dining).

Bottom line

Royal Caribbean has grown into the world's biggest cruise line by passenger capacity for a reason. It has long dazzled customers with stunning, resort-like vessels full of every sort of amusement and activity you could imagine.

If you're a megaresort lover, you'll surely love the line's biggest ships, particularly the giant Oasis Class vessels. If you're more of a small boutique hotel sort of person or someone who just isn't happy around crowds, well … this might not be the line for you.

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• What to pack for your first cruise

20-Year-Old Passenger Jumps From Royal Caribbean Cruise Ship

A n unfortunate event occurred early in the morning on Royal Caribbean’s Liberty of the Seas. A young man jumped overboard, causing distress for those onboard. The incident happened around 4 a.m. on Thursday while the ship sailed between Cuba and the Bahamas’ Grand Inagua Island. The man’s father and brother, who were present, witnessed him jump from one of the ship’s decks, leaving them in shock.

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Passengers on board the cruise ship were shocked by the impulsive and seemingly spontaneous decision of a 20-year-old man, who has not been identified, to jump from the window. The incident left his family and fellow travelers in disbelief. Bryan Sims, a passenger, had spent some time with the young man and his brother in a hot tub just before the incident. According to Sims, the young man was visibly intoxicated and was being scolded by his father just moments before he declared, “I’ll fix this right now,” and jumped out of the window in front of everyone, as reported by The New York Post.

The immediate aftermath was filled with panic and quick action, as the ship’s crew and passengers alerted the crew, leading to an immediate search and rescue operation. Deborah Morrison, another passenger, shared the distress and horror that enveloped the young man’s family and the surreal nature of the event as described by Sims.

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Royal Caribbean swiftly responded to the crisis, launching a comprehensive search and rescue effort with the assistance of the US Coast Guard, which has since taken the lead in the search operations. The company extended its support to the guest’s family, emphasizing the sensitivity and privacy surrounding the incident. The apparent suicide attempt cast a somber mood over the ship, with many passengers coming together, hoping to assist in any way possible. Amy Phelps Fouse, another guest, commended Royal Caribbean for their transparent communication and called for compassion amidst the tragedy.

This rare incident of a person going overboard on a cruise ship underscores the importance of onboard safety measures and surveillance systems, which cruise lines have been steadily enhancing in recent years to mitigate such occurrences. The Coast Guard continues its search and rescue efforts to find the young man, but the situation remains unresolved.

The post 20-Year-Old Passenger Jumps From Royal Caribbean Cruise Ship appeared first on Hollywood Unlocked .

'Drunk' 20-year-old man missing after jumping off a Royal Caribbean cruise ship

• A 20-year-old man on holiday with his family jumped off a Royal Caribbean cruise. 
• The man has been missing since jumping overboard in front of his father and brother.
• The US Coast Guard has launched a search operation. 

A 20-year-old man jumped off the Royal Caribbean's Liberty of the Seas cruise on Thursday morning while vacationing with his family.

The passenger, whose identity has not been revealed, jumped overboard at about 4 a.m. and has been missing since.

The US Coast Guard said on X on Thursday that its crews were "searching for a 20-year-old man who went overboard from the Liberty of the Seas cruise ship near The Bahamas.

Passengers on the Liberty of the Seas ship described the tragedy as a "spur-of-the-moment decision."

Passenger Bryan Sims told the New York Post that the missing passenger was "pretty drunk" and that they had hung out in the hot tub until 3:30 a.m.

Sims said that when they left the hot tub, they encountered the drunk passenger's father while approaching the elevators.

"His dad was fussing at him for being drunk," said Sims.

The unidentified passenger reportedly told his father, "I'll fix this right now," and jumped out of the window.

Fellow passengers said his father and brother witnessed the "impulsive" leap.

Deborah Morrison, another passenger on board the cruise, told the Post that "there was a lot of yelling and that the crew was alerted immediately."

Related stories

Royal Caribbean told the Post, "The ship's crew immediately launched a search and rescue effort alongside the US Coast Guard, who has taken over the search."

US Coast Guard District Seven said USCG Cutter Seneca and Air Station Miami HC-144 crews were conducting the search.

#Breaking @USCG crews are searching for a 20-year-old man who went overboard from the Liberty of the Seas cruise ship 57 miles from Great Inagua this morning. USCG Cutter Seneca and Air Station Miami HC-144 crews are conducting the search. #USCG #SAR pic.twitter.com/zZPpKOdyCn — USCGSoutheast (@USCGSoutheast) April 4, 2024

The Liberty of the Seas departed from South Florida and was 57 miles from Great Inagua in The Bahamas when the passenger jumped overboard.

The cruise ship has 18 decks and can accommodate 3,634 passengers, served by a crew of about 1,300.

The chances of you falling overboard off a cruise ship are extremely low .

In 2023, About 31 million passengers traveled on a cruise, and about 10 people went overboard, of which two miraculously survived, Business Insider reported .

"Even one incident is one too many," CLIA told Business Insider, explaining that "the vast majority of cases are either reckless behavior or some form of intentional act. People don't just inadvertently fall over the side of a ship."

Last month, a 23-year-old man who felt seasick fell overboard from the MSC Euribia cruise ship while crossing the North Sea in Europe and was presumed dead.

In December, an MSC Cruises passenger jumped from one of its ships while sailing from Europe to South America.

According to a Cruise Lines International Association (CLIA) report, only 28.2% of passengers who fell overboard from 2009 to 2019 were successfully rescued.

Business Insider contacted Royal Caribbean Cruises for comment.

Watch: Cruise ship captain breaks down 8 cruise ship disasters in movies and TV

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Crying Myself to Sleep on the Biggest Cruise Ship Ever

Seven agonizing nights aboard the Icon of the Seas

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Updated at 2:44 p.m. ET on April 6, 2024.

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MY FIRST GLIMPSE of Royal Caribbean’s Icon of the Seas, from the window of an approaching Miami cab, brings on a feeling of vertigo, nausea, amazement, and distress. I shut my eyes in defense, as my brain tells my optic nerve to try again.

The ship makes no sense, vertically or horizontally. It makes no sense on sea, or on land, or in outer space. It looks like a hodgepodge of domes and minarets, tubes and canopies, like Istanbul had it been designed by idiots. Vibrant, oversignifying colors are stacked upon other such colors, decks perched over still more decks; the only comfort is a row of lifeboats ringing its perimeter. There is no imposed order, no cogent thought, and, for those who do not harbor a totalitarian sense of gigantomania, no visual mercy. This is the biggest cruise ship ever built, and I have been tasked with witnessing its inaugural voyage.

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“Author embarks on their first cruise-ship voyage” has been a staple of American essay writing for almost three decades, beginning with David Foster Wallace’s “A Supposedly Fun Thing I’ll Never Do Again,” which was first published in 1996 under the title “Shipping Out.” Since then, many admirable writers have widened and diversified the genre. Usually the essayist commissioned to take to the sea is in their first or second flush of youth and is ready to sharpen their wit against the hull of the offending vessel. I am 51, old and tired, having seen much of the world as a former travel journalist, and mostly what I do in both life and prose is shrug while muttering to my imaginary dachshund, “This too shall pass.” But the Icon of the Seas will not countenance a shrug. The Icon of the Seas is the Linda Loman of cruise ships, exclaiming that attention must be paid. And here I am in late January with my one piece of luggage and useless gray winter jacket and passport, zipping through the Port of Miami en route to the gangway that will separate me from the bulk of North America for more than seven days, ready to pay it in full.

The aforementioned gangway opens up directly onto a thriving mall (I will soon learn it is imperiously called the “Royal Promenade”), presently filled with yapping passengers beneath a ceiling studded with balloons ready to drop. Crew members from every part of the global South, as well as a few Balkans, are shepherding us along while pressing flutes of champagne into our hands. By a humming Starbucks, I drink as many of these as I can and prepare to find my cabin. I show my blue Suite Sky SeaPass Card (more on this later, much more) to a smiling woman from the Philippines, and she tells me to go “aft.” Which is where, now? As someone who has rarely sailed on a vessel grander than the Staten Island Ferry, I am confused. It turns out that the aft is the stern of the ship, or, for those of us who don’t know what a stern or an aft are, its ass. The nose of the ship, responsible for separating the waves before it, is also called a bow, and is marked for passengers as the FWD , or forward. The part of the contemporary sailing vessel where the malls are clustered is called the midship. I trust that you have enjoyed this nautical lesson.

I ascend via elevator to my suite on Deck 11. This is where I encounter my first terrible surprise. My suite windows and balcony do not face the ocean. Instead, they look out onto another shopping mall. This mall is the one that’s called Central Park, perhaps in homage to the Olmsted-designed bit of greenery in the middle of my hometown. Although on land I would be delighted to own a suite with Central Park views, here I am deeply depressed. To sail on a ship and not wake up to a vast blue carpet of ocean? Unthinkable.

Allow me a brief preamble here. The story you are reading was commissioned at a moment when most staterooms on the Icon were sold out. In fact, so enthralled by the prospect of this voyage were hard-core mariners that the ship’s entire inventory of guest rooms (the Icon can accommodate up to 7,600 passengers, but its inaugural journey was reduced to 5,000 or so for a less crowded experience) was almost immediately sold out. Hence, this publication was faced with the shocking prospect of paying nearly $19,000 to procure for this solitary passenger an entire suite—not including drinking expenses—all for the privilege of bringing you this article. But the suite in question doesn’t even have a view of the ocean! I sit down hard on my soft bed. Nineteen thousand dollars for this .

The viewless suite does have its pluses. In addition to all the Malin+Goetz products in my dual bathrooms, I am granted use of a dedicated Suite Deck lounge; access to Coastal Kitchen, a superior restaurant for Suites passengers; complimentary VOOM SM Surf & Stream (“the fastest Internet at Sea”) “for one device per person for the whole cruise duration”; a pair of bathrobes (one of which comes prestained with what looks like a large expectoration by the greenest lizard on Earth); and use of the Grove Suite Sun, an area on Decks 18 and 19 with food and deck chairs reserved exclusively for Suite passengers. I also get reserved seating for a performance of The Wizard of Oz , an ice-skating tribute to the periodic table, and similar provocations. The very color of my Suite Sky SeaPass Card, an oceanic blue as opposed to the cloying royal purple of the standard non-Suite passenger, will soon provoke envy and admiration. But as high as my status may be, there are those on board who have much higher status still, and I will soon learn to bow before them.

In preparation for sailing, I have “priced in,” as they say on Wall Street, the possibility that I may come from a somewhat different monde than many of the other cruisers. Without falling into stereotypes or preconceptions, I prepare myself for a friendly outspokenness on the part of my fellow seafarers that may not comply with modern DEI standards. I believe in meeting people halfway, and so the day before flying down to Miami, I visited what remains of Little Italy to purchase a popular T-shirt that reads DADDY’S LITTLE MEATBALL across the breast in the colors of the Italian flag. My wife recommended that I bring one of my many T-shirts featuring Snoopy and the Peanuts gang, as all Americans love the beagle and his friends. But I naively thought that my meatball T-shirt would be more suitable for conversation-starting. “Oh, and who is your ‘daddy’?” some might ask upon seeing it. “And how long have you been his ‘little meatball’?” And so on.

I put on my meatball T-shirt and head for one of the dining rooms to get a late lunch. In the elevator, I stick out my chest for all to read the funny legend upon it, but soon I realize that despite its burnished tricolor letters, no one takes note. More to the point, no one takes note of me. Despite my attempts at bridge building, the very sight of me (small, ethnic, without a cap bearing the name of a football team) elicits no reaction from other passengers. Most often, they will small-talk over me as if I don’t exist. This brings to mind the travails of David Foster Wallace , who felt so ostracized by his fellow passengers that he retreated to his cabin for much of his voyage. And Wallace was raised primarily in the Midwest and was a much larger, more American-looking meatball than I am. If he couldn’t talk to these people, how will I? What if I leave this ship without making any friends at all, despite my T-shirt? I am a social creature, and the prospect of seven days alone and apart is saddening. Wallace’s stateroom, at least, had a view of the ocean, a kind of cheap eternity.

Worse awaits me in the dining room. This is a large, multichandeliered room where I attended my safety training (I was shown how to put on a flotation vest; it is a very simple procedure). But the maître d’ politely refuses me entry in an English that seems to verge on another language. “I’m sorry, this is only for pendejos ,” he seems to be saying. I push back politely and he repeats himself. Pendejos ? Piranhas? There’s some kind of P-word to which I am not attuned. Meanwhile elderly passengers stream right past, powered by their limbs, walkers, and electric wheelchairs. “It is only pendejo dining today, sir.” “But I have a suite!” I say, already starting to catch on to the ship’s class system. He examines my card again. “But you are not a pendejo ,” he confirms. I am wearing a DADDY’S LITTLE MEATBALL T-shirt, I want to say to him. I am the essence of pendejo .

Eventually, I give up and head to the plebeian buffet on Deck 15, which has an aquatic-styled name I have now forgotten. Before gaining entry to this endless cornucopia of reheated food, one passes a washing station of many sinks and soap dispensers, and perhaps the most intriguing character on the entire ship. He is Mr. Washy Washy—or, according to his name tag, Nielbert of the Philippines—and he is dressed as a taco (on other occasions, I’ll see him dressed as a burger). Mr. Washy Washy performs an eponymous song in spirited, indeed flamboyant English: “Washy, washy, wash your hands, WASHY WASHY!” The dangers of norovirus and COVID on a cruise ship this size (a giant fellow ship was stricken with the former right after my voyage) makes Mr. Washy Washy an essential member of the crew. The problem lies with the food at the end of Washy’s rainbow. The buffet is groaning with what sounds like sophisticated dishes—marinated octopus, boiled egg with anchovy, chorizo, lobster claws—but every animal tastes tragically the same, as if there was only one creature available at the market, a “cruisipus” bred specifically for Royal Caribbean dining. The “vegetables” are no better. I pick up a tomato slice and look right through it. It tastes like cellophane. I sit alone, apart from the couples and parents with gaggles of children, as “We Are Family” echoes across the buffet space.

I may have failed to mention that all this time, the Icon of the Seas has not left port. As the fiery mango of the subtropical setting sun makes Miami’s condo skyline even more apocalyptic, the ship shoves off beneath a perfunctory display of fireworks. After the sun sets, in the far, dark distance, another circus-lit cruise ship ruptures the waves before us. We glance at it with pity, because it is by definition a smaller ship than our own. I am on Deck 15, outside the buffet and overlooking a bunch of pools (the Icon has seven of them), drinking a frilly drink that I got from one of the bars (the Icon has 15 of them), still too shy to speak to anyone, despite Sister Sledge’s assertion that all on the ship are somehow related.

Kim Brooks: On failing the family vacation

The ship’s passage away from Ron DeSantis’s Florida provides no frisson, no sense of developing “sea legs,” as the ship is too large to register the presence of waves unless a mighty wind adds significant chop. It is time for me to register the presence of the 5,000 passengers around me, even if they refuse to register mine. My fellow travelers have prepared for this trip with personally decorated T-shirts celebrating the importance of this voyage. The simplest ones say ICON INAUGURAL ’24 on the back and the family name on the front. Others attest to an over-the-top love of cruise ships: WARNING! MAY START TALKING ABOUT CRUISING . Still others are artisanally designed and celebrate lifetimes spent married while cruising (on ships, of course). A couple possibly in their 90s are wearing shirts whose backs feature a drawing of a cruise liner, two flamingos with ostensibly male and female characteristics, and the legend “ HUSBAND AND WIFE Cruising Partners FOR LIFE WE MAY NOT HAVE IT All Together BUT TOGETHER WE HAVE IT ALL .” (The words not in all caps have been written in cursive.) A real journalist or a more intrepid conversationalist would have gone up to the couple and asked them to explain the longevity of their marriage vis-à-vis their love of cruising. But instead I head to my mall suite, take off my meatball T-shirt, and allow the first tears of the cruise to roll down my cheeks slowly enough that I briefly fall asleep amid the moisture and salt.

I WAKE UP with a hangover. Oh God. Right. I cannot believe all of that happened last night. A name floats into my cobwebbed, nauseated brain: “Ayn Rand.” Jesus Christ.

I breakfast alone at the Coastal Kitchen. The coffee tastes fine and the eggs came out of a bird. The ship rolls slightly this morning; I can feel it in my thighs and my schlong, the parts of me that are most receptive to danger.

I had a dangerous conversation last night. After the sun set and we were at least 50 miles from shore (most modern cruise ships sail at about 23 miles an hour), I lay in bed softly hiccupping, my arms stretched out exactly like Jesus on the cross, the sound of the distant waves missing from my mall-facing suite, replaced by the hum of air-conditioning and children shouting in Spanish through the vents of my two bathrooms. I decided this passivity was unacceptable. As an immigrant, I feel duty-bound to complete the tasks I am paid for, which means reaching out and trying to understand my fellow cruisers. So I put on a normal James Perse T-shirt and headed for one of the bars on the Royal Promenade—the Schooner Bar, it was called, if memory serves correctly.

I sat at the bar for a martini and two Negronis. An old man with thick, hairy forearms drank next to me, very silent and Hemingwaylike, while a dreadlocked piano player tinkled out a series of excellent Elton John covers. To my right, a young white couple—he in floral shorts, she in a light, summery miniskirt with a fearsome diamond ring, neither of them in football regalia—chatted with an elderly couple. Do it , I commanded myself. Open your mouth. Speak! Speak without being spoken to. Initiate. A sentence fragment caught my ear from the young woman, “Cherry Hill.” This is a suburb of Philadelphia in New Jersey, and I had once been there for a reading at a synagogue. “Excuse me,” I said gently to her. “Did you just mention Cherry Hill? It’s a lovely place.”

As it turned out, the couple now lived in Fort Lauderdale (the number of Floridians on the cruise surprised me, given that Southern Florida is itself a kind of cruise ship, albeit one slowly sinking), but soon they were talking with me exclusively—the man potbellied, with a chin like a hard-boiled egg; the woman as svelte as if she were one of the many Ukrainian members of the crew—the elderly couple next to them forgotten. This felt as groundbreaking as the first time I dared to address an American in his native tongue, as a child on a bus in Queens (“On my foot you are standing, Mister”).

“I don’t want to talk politics,” the man said. “But they’re going to eighty-six Biden and put Michelle in.”

I considered the contradictions of his opening conversational gambit, but decided to play along. “People like Michelle,” I said, testing the waters. The husband sneered, but the wife charitably put forward that the former first lady was “more personable” than Joe Biden. “They’re gonna eighty-six Biden,” the husband repeated. “He can’t put a sentence together.”

After I mentioned that I was a writer—though I presented myself as a writer of teleplays instead of novels and articles such as this one—the husband told me his favorite writer was Ayn Rand. “Ayn Rand, she came here with nothing,” the husband said. “I work with a lot of Cubans, so …” I wondered if I should mention what I usually do to ingratiate myself with Republicans or libertarians: the fact that my finances improved after pass-through corporations were taxed differently under Donald Trump. Instead, I ordered another drink and the couple did the same, and I told him that Rand and I were born in the same city, St. Petersburg/Leningrad, and that my family also came here with nothing. Now the bonding and drinking began in earnest, and several more rounds appeared. Until it all fell apart.

Read: Gary Shteyngart on watching Russian television for five days straight

My new friend, whom I will refer to as Ayn, called out to a buddy of his across the bar, and suddenly a young couple, both covered in tattoos, appeared next to us. “He fucking punked me,” Ayn’s frat-boy-like friend called out as he put his arm around Ayn, while his sizable partner sizzled up to Mrs. Rand. Both of them had a look I have never seen on land—their eyes projecting absence and enmity in equal measure. In the ’90s, I drank with Russian soldiers fresh from Chechnya and wandered the streets of wartime Zagreb, but I have never seen such undisguised hostility toward both me and perhaps the universe at large. I was briefly introduced to this psychopathic pair, but neither of them wanted to have anything to do with me, and the tattooed woman would not even reveal her Christian name to me (she pretended to have the same first name as Mrs. Rand). To impress his tattooed friends, Ayn made fun of the fact that as a television writer, I’d worked on the series Succession (which, it would turn out, practically nobody on the ship had watched), instead of the far more palatable, in his eyes, zombie drama of last year. And then my new friends drifted away from me into an angry private conversation—“He punked me!”—as I ordered another drink for myself, scared of the dead-eyed arrivals whose gaze never registered in the dim wattage of the Schooner Bar, whose terrifying voices and hollow laughs grated like unoiled gears against the crooning of “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road.”

But today is a new day for me and my hangover. After breakfast, I explore the ship’s so-called neighborhoods . There’s the AquaDome, where one can find a food hall and an acrobatic sound-and-light aquatic show. Central Park has a premium steak house, a sushi joint, and a used Rolex that can be bought for $8,000 on land here proudly offered at $17,000. There’s the aforementioned Royal Promenade, where I had drunk with the Rands, and where a pair of dueling pianos duel well into the night. There’s Surfside, a kids’ neighborhood full of sugary garbage, which looks out onto the frothy trail that the behemoth leaves behind itself. Thrill Island refers to the collection of tubes that clutter the ass of the ship and offer passengers six waterslides and a surfing simulation. There’s the Hideaway, an adult zone that plays music from a vomit-slathered, Brit-filled Alicante nightclub circa 1996 and proves a big favorite with groups of young Latin American customers. And, most hurtfully, there’s the Suite Neighborhood.

I say hurtfully because as a Suite passenger I should be here, though my particular suite is far from the others. Whereas I am stuck amid the riffraff of Deck 11, this section is on the highborn Decks 16 and 17, and in passing, I peek into the spacious, tall-ceilinged staterooms from the hallway, dazzled by the glint of the waves and sun. For $75,000, one multifloor suite even comes with its own slide between floors, so that a family may enjoy this particular terror in private. There is a quiet splendor to the Suite Neighborhood. I see fewer stickers and signs and drawings than in my own neighborhood—for example, MIKE AND DIANA PROUDLY SERVED U.S. MARINE CORPS RETIRED . No one here needs to announce their branch of service or rank; they are simply Suites, and this is where they belong. Once again, despite my hard work and perseverance, I have been disallowed from the true American elite. Once again, I am “Not our class, dear.” I am reminded of watching The Love Boat on my grandmother’s Zenith, which either was given to her or we found in the trash (I get our many malfunctioning Zeniths confused) and whose tube got so hot, I would put little chunks of government cheese on a thin tissue atop it to give our welfare treat a pleasant, Reagan-era gooeyness. I could not understand English well enough then to catch the nuances of that seafaring program, but I knew that there were differences in the status of the passengers, and that sometimes those differences made them sad. Still, this ship, this plenty—every few steps, there are complimentary nachos or milkshakes or gyros on offer—was the fatty fuel of my childhood dreams. If only I had remained a child.

I walk around the outdoor decks looking for company. There is a middle-aged African American couple who always seem to be asleep in each other’s arms, probably exhausted from the late capitalism they regularly encounter on land. There is far more diversity on this ship than I expected. Many couples are a testament to Loving v. Virginia , and there is a large group of folks whose T-shirts read MELANIN AT SEA / IT’S THE MELANIN FOR ME . I smile when I see them, but then some young kids from the group makes Mr. Washy Washy do a cruel, caricatured “Burger Dance” (today he is in his burger getup), and I think, Well, so much for intersectionality .

At the infinity pool on Deck 17, I spot some elderly women who could be ethnic and from my part of the world, and so I jump in. I am proved correct! Many of them seem to be originally from Queens (“Corona was still great when it was all Italian”), though they are now spread across the tristate area. We bond over the way “Ron-kon-koma” sounds when announced in Penn Station.

“Everyone is here for a different reason,” one of them tells me. She and her ex-husband last sailed together four years ago to prove to themselves that their marriage was truly over. Her 15-year-old son lost his virginity to “an Irish young lady” while their ship was moored in Ravenna, Italy. The gaggle of old-timers competes to tell me their favorite cruising stories and tips. “A guy proposed in Central Park a couple of years ago”—many Royal Caribbean ships apparently have this ridiculous communal area—“and she ran away screaming!” “If you’re diamond-class, you get four drinks for free.” “A different kind of passenger sails out of Bayonne.” (This, perhaps, is racially coded.) “Sometimes, if you tip the bartender $5, your next drink will be free.”

“Everyone’s here for a different reason,” the woman whose marriage ended on a cruise tells me again. “Some people are here for bad reasons—the drinkers and the gamblers. Some people are here for medical reasons.” I have seen more than a few oxygen tanks and at least one woman clearly undergoing very serious chemo. Some T-shirts celebrate good news about a cancer diagnosis. This might be someone’s last cruise or week on Earth. For these women, who have spent months, if not years, at sea, cruising is a ritual as well as a life cycle: first love, last love, marriage, divorce, death.

Read: The last place on Earth any tourist should go

I have talked with these women for so long, tonight I promise myself that after a sad solitary dinner I will not try to seek out company at the bars in the mall or the adult-themed Hideaway. I have enough material to fulfill my duties to this publication. As I approach my orphaned suite, I run into the aggro young people who stole Mr. and Mrs. Rand away from me the night before. The tattooed apparitions pass me without a glance. She is singing something violent about “Stuttering Stanley” (a character in a popular horror movie, as I discover with my complimentary VOOM SM Surf & Stream Internet at Sea) and he’s loudly shouting about “all the money I’ve lost,” presumably at the casino in the bowels of the ship.

So these bent psychos out of a Cormac McCarthy novel are angrily inhabiting my deck. As I mewl myself to sleep, I envision a limited series for HBO or some other streamer, a kind of low-rent White Lotus , where several aggressive couples conspire to throw a shy intellectual interloper overboard. I type the scenario into my phone. As I fall asleep, I think of what the woman who recently divorced her husband and whose son became a man through the good offices of the Irish Republic told me while I was hoisting myself out of the infinity pool. “I’m here because I’m an explorer. I’m here because I’m trying something new.” What if I allowed myself to believe in her fantasy?

“YOU REALLY STARTED AT THE TOP,” they tell me. I’m at the Coastal Kitchen for my eggs and corned-beef hash, and the maître d’ has slotted me in between two couples. Fueled by coffee or perhaps intrigued by my relative youth, they strike up a conversation with me. As always, people are shocked that this is my first cruise. They contrast the Icon favorably with all the preceding liners in the Royal Caribbean fleet, usually commenting on the efficiency of the elevators that hurl us from deck to deck (as in many large corporate buildings, the elevators ask you to choose a floor and then direct you to one of many lifts). The couple to my right, from Palo Alto—he refers to his “porn mustache” and calls his wife “my cougar” because she is two years older—tell me they are “Pandemic Pinnacles.”

This is the day that my eyes will be opened. Pinnacles , it is explained to me over translucent cantaloupe, have sailed with Royal Caribbean for 700 ungodly nights. Pandemic Pinnacles took advantage of the two-for-one accrual rate of Pinnacle points during the pandemic, when sailing on a cruise ship was even more ill-advised, to catapult themselves into Pinnacle status.

Because of the importance of the inaugural voyage of the world’s largest cruise liner, more than 200 Pinnacles are on this ship, a startling number, it seems. Mrs. Palo Alto takes out a golden badge that I have seen affixed over many a breast, which reads CROWN AND ANCHOR SOCIETY along with her name. This is the coveted badge of the Pinnacle. “You should hear all the whining in Guest Services,” her husband tells me. Apparently, the Pinnacles who are not also Suites like us are all trying to use their status to get into Coastal Kitchen, our elite restaurant. Even a Pinnacle needs to be a Suite to access this level of corned-beef hash.

“We’re just baby Pinnacles,” Mrs. Palo Alto tells me, describing a kind of internal class struggle among the Pinnacle elite for ever higher status.

And now I understand what the maître d’ was saying to me on the first day of my cruise. He wasn’t saying “ pendejo .” He was saying “Pinnacle.” The dining room was for Pinnacles only, all those older people rolling in like the tide on their motorized scooters.

And now I understand something else: This whole thing is a cult. And like most cults, it can’t help but mirror the endless American fight for status. Like Keith Raniere’s NXIVM, where different-colored sashes were given out to connote rank among Raniere’s branded acolytes, this is an endless competition among Pinnacles, Suites, Diamond-Plusers, and facing-the-mall, no-balcony purple SeaPass Card peasants, not to mention the many distinctions within each category. The more you cruise, the higher your status. No wonder a section of the Royal Promenade is devoted to getting passengers to book their next cruise during the one they should be enjoying now. No wonder desperate Royal Caribbean offers (“FINAL HOURS”) crowded my email account weeks before I set sail. No wonder the ship’s jewelry store, the Royal Bling, is selling a $100,000 golden chalice that will entitle its owner to drink free on Royal Caribbean cruises for life. (One passenger was already gaming out whether her 28-year-old son was young enough to “just about earn out” on the chalice or if that ship had sailed.) No wonder this ship was sold out months before departure , and we had to pay $19,000 for a horrid suite away from the Suite Neighborhood. No wonder the most mythical hero of Royal Caribbean lore is someone named Super Mario, who has cruised so often, he now has his own working desk on many ships. This whole experience is part cult, part nautical pyramid scheme.

From the June 2014 issue: Ship of wonks

“The toilets are amazing,” the Palo Altos are telling me. “One flush and you’re done.” “They don’t understand how energy-efficient these ships are,” the husband of the other couple is telling me. “They got the LNG”—liquefied natural gas, which is supposed to make the Icon a boon to the environment (a concept widely disputed and sometimes ridiculed by environmentalists).

But I’m thinking along a different line of attack as I spear my last pallid slice of melon. For my streaming limited series, a Pinnacle would have to get killed by either an outright peasant or a Suite without an ocean view. I tell my breakfast companions my idea.

“Oh, for sure a Pinnacle would have to be killed,” Mr. Palo Alto, the Pandemic Pinnacle, says, touching his porn mustache thoughtfully as his wife nods.

“THAT’S RIGHT, IT’S your time, buddy!” Hubert, my fun-loving Panamanian cabin attendant, shouts as I step out of my suite in a robe. “Take it easy, buddy!”

I have come up with a new dressing strategy. Instead of trying to impress with my choice of T-shirts, I have decided to start wearing a robe, as one does at a resort property on land, with a proper spa and hammam. The response among my fellow cruisers has been ecstatic. “Look at you in the robe!” Mr. Rand cries out as we pass each other by the Thrill Island aqua park. “You’re living the cruise life! You know, you really drank me under the table that night.” I laugh as we part ways, but my soul cries out, Please spend more time with me, Mr. and Mrs. Rand; I so need the company .

In my white robe, I am a stately presence, a refugee from a better limited series, a one-man crossover episode. (Only Suites are granted these robes to begin with.) Today, I will try many of the activities these ships have on offer to provide their clientele with a sense of never-ceasing motion. Because I am already at Thrill Island, I decide to climb the staircase to what looks like a mast on an old-fashioned ship (terrified, because I am afraid of heights) to try a ride called “Storm Chasers,” which is part of the “Category 6” water park, named in honor of one of the storms that may someday do away with the Port of Miami entirely. Storm Chasers consists of falling from the “mast” down a long, twisting neon tube filled with water, like being the camera inside your own colonoscopy, as you hold on to the handles of a mat, hoping not to die. The tube then flops you down headfirst into a trough of water, a Royal Caribbean baptism. It both knocks my breath out and makes me sad.

In keeping with the aquatic theme, I attend a show at the AquaDome. To the sound of “Live and Let Die,” a man in a harness gyrates to and fro in the sultry air. I saw something very similar in the back rooms of the famed Berghain club in early-aughts Berlin. Soon another harnessed man is gyrating next to the first. Ja , I think to myself, I know how this ends. Now will come the fisting , natürlich . But the show soon devolves into the usual Marvel-film-grade nonsense, with too much light and sound signifying nichts . If any fisting is happening, it is probably in the Suite Neighborhood, inside a cabin marked with an upside-down pineapple, which I understand means a couple are ready to swing, and I will see none of it.

I go to the ice show, which is a kind of homage—if that’s possible—to the periodic table, done with the style and pomp and masterful precision that would please the likes of Kim Jong Un, if only he could afford Royal Caribbean talent. At one point, the dancers skate to the theme song of Succession . “See that!” I want to say to my fellow Suites—at “cultural” events, we have a special section reserved for us away from the commoners—“ Succession ! It’s even better than the zombie show! Open your minds!”

Finally, I visit a comedy revue in an enormous and too brightly lit version of an “intimate,” per Royal Caribbean literature, “Manhattan comedy club.” Many of the jokes are about the cruising life. “I’ve lived on ships for 20 years,” one of the middle-aged comedians says. “I can only see so many Filipino homosexuals dressed as a taco.” He pauses while the audience laughs. “I am so fired tonight,” he says. He segues into a Trump impression and then Biden falling asleep at the microphone, which gets the most laughs. “Anyone here from Fort Leonard Wood?” another comedian asks. Half the crowd seems to cheer. As I fall asleep that night, I realize another connection I have failed to make, and one that may explain some of the diversity on this vessel—many of its passengers have served in the military.

As a coddled passenger with a suite, I feel like I am starting to understand what it means to have a rank and be constantly reminded of it. There are many espresso makers , I think as I look across the expanse of my officer-grade quarters before closing my eyes, but this one is mine .

A shocking sight greets me beyond the pools of Deck 17 as I saunter over to the Coastal Kitchen for my morning intake of slightly sour Americanos. A tiny city beneath a series of perfectly pressed green mountains. Land! We have docked for a brief respite in Basseterre, the capital of St. Kitts and Nevis. I wolf down my egg scramble to be one of the first passengers off the ship. Once past the gangway, I barely refrain from kissing the ground. I rush into the sights and sounds of this scruffy island city, sampling incredible conch curry and buckets of non-Starbucks coffee. How wonderful it is to be where God intended humans to be: on land. After all, I am neither a fish nor a mall rat. This is my natural environment. Basseterre may not be Havana, but there are signs of human ingenuity and desire everywhere you look. The Black Table Grill Has been Relocated to Soho Village, Market Street, Directly Behind of, Gary’s Fruits and Flower Shop. Signed. THE PORK MAN reads a sign stuck to a wall. Now, that is how you write a sign. A real sign, not the come-ons for overpriced Rolexes that blink across the screens of the Royal Promenade.

“Hey, tie your shoestring!” a pair of laughing ladies shout to me across the street.

“Thank you!” I shout back. Shoestring! “Thank you very much.”

A man in Independence Square Park comes by and asks if I want to play with his monkey. I haven’t heard that pickup line since the Penn Station of the 1980s. But then he pulls a real monkey out of a bag. The monkey is wearing a diaper and looks insane. Wonderful , I think, just wonderful! There is so much life here. I email my editor asking if I can remain on St. Kitts and allow the Icon to sail off into the horizon without me. I have even priced a flight home at less than $300, and I have enough material from the first four days on the cruise to write the entire story. “It would be funny …” my editor replies. “Now get on the boat.”

As I slink back to the ship after my brief jailbreak, the locals stand under umbrellas to gaze at and photograph the boat that towers over their small capital city. The limousines of the prime minister and his lackeys are parked beside the gangway. St. Kitts, I’ve been told, is one of the few islands that would allow a ship of this size to dock.

“We hear about all the waterslides,” a sweet young server in one of the cafés told me. “We wish we could go on the ship, but we have to work.”

“I want to stay on your island,” I replied. “I love it here.”

But she didn’t understand how I could possibly mean that.

“WASHY, WASHY, so you don’t get stinky, stinky!” kids are singing outside the AquaDome, while their adult minders look on in disapproval, perhaps worried that Mr. Washy Washy is grooming them into a life of gayness. I heard a southern couple skip the buffet entirely out of fear of Mr. Washy Washy.

Meanwhile, I have found a new watering hole for myself, the Swim & Tonic, the biggest swim-up bar on any cruise ship in the world. Drinking next to full-size, nearly naked Americans takes away one’s own self-consciousness. The men have curvaceous mom bodies. The women are equally un-shy about their sprawling physiques.

Today I’ve befriended a bald man with many children who tells me that all of the little trinkets that Royal Caribbean has left us in our staterooms and suites are worth a fortune on eBay. “Eighty dollars for the water bottle, 60 for the lanyard,” the man says. “This is a cult.”

“Tell me about it,” I say. There is, however, a clientele for whom this cruise makes perfect sense. For a large middle-class family (he works in “supply chains”), seven days in a lower-tier cabin—which starts at $1,800 a person—allow the parents to drop off their children in Surfside, where I imagine many young Filipina crew members will take care of them, while the parents are free to get drunk at a swim-up bar and maybe even get intimate in their cabin. Cruise ships have become, for a certain kind of hardworking family, a form of subsidized child care.

There is another man I would like to befriend at the Swim & Tonic, a tall, bald fellow who is perpetually inebriated and who wears a necklace studded with little rubber duckies in sunglasses, which, I am told, is a sort of secret handshake for cruise aficionados. Tomorrow, I will spend more time with him, but first the ship docks at St. Thomas, in the U.S. Virgin Islands. Charlotte Amalie, the capital, is more charming in name than in presence, but I still all but jump off the ship to score a juicy oxtail and plantains at the well-known Petite Pump Room, overlooking the harbor. From one of the highest points in the small city, the Icon of the Seas appears bigger than the surrounding hills.

I usually tan very evenly, but something about the discombobulation of life at sea makes me forget the regular application of sunscreen. As I walk down the streets of Charlotte Amalie in my fluorescent Icon of the Seas cap, an old Rastafarian stares me down. “Redneck,” he hisses.

“No,” I want to tell him, as I bring a hand up to my red neck, “that’s not who I am at all. On my island, Mannahatta, as Whitman would have it, I am an interesting person living within an engaging artistic milieu. I do not wish to use the Caribbean as a dumping ground for the cruise-ship industry. I love the work of Derek Walcott. You don’t understand. I am not a redneck. And if I am, they did this to me.” They meaning Royal Caribbean? Its passengers? The Rands?

“They did this to me!”

Back on the Icon, some older matrons are muttering about a run-in with passengers from the Celebrity cruise ship docked next to us, the Celebrity Apex. Although Celebrity Cruises is also owned by Royal Caribbean, I am made to understand that there is a deep fratricidal beef between passengers of the two lines. “We met a woman from the Apex,” one matron says, “and she says it was a small ship and there was nothing to do. Her face was as tight as a 19-year-old’s, she had so much surgery.” With those words, and beneath a cloudy sky, humidity shrouding our weathered faces and red necks, we set sail once again, hopefully in the direction of home.

THERE ARE BARELY 48 HOURS LEFT to the cruise, and the Icon of the Seas’ passengers are salty. They know how to work the elevators. They know the Washy Washy song by heart. They understand that the chicken gyro at “Feta Mediterranean,” in the AquaDome Market, is the least problematic form of chicken on the ship.

The passengers have shed their INAUGURAL CRUISE T-shirts and are now starting to evince political opinions. There are caps pledging to make America great again and T-shirts that celebrate words sometimes attributed to Patrick Henry: “The Constitution is not an instrument for the government to restrain the people; it is an instrument for the people to restrain the government.” With their preponderance of FAMILY FLAG FAITH FRIENDS FIREARMS T-shirts, the tables by the crepe station sometimes resemble the Capitol Rotunda on January 6. The Real Anthony Fauci , by Robert F. Kennedy Jr., appears to be a popular form of literature, especially among young men with very complicated versions of the American flag on their T-shirts. Other opinions blend the personal and the political. “Someone needs to kill Washy guy, right?” a well-dressed man in the elevator tells me, his gray eyes radiating nothing. “Just beat him to death. Am I right?” I overhear the male member of a young couple whisper, “There goes that freak” as I saunter by in my white spa robe, and I decide to retire it for the rest of the cruise.

I visit the Royal Bling to see up close the $100,000 golden chalice that entitles you to free drinks on Royal Caribbean forever. The pleasant Serbian saleslady explains that the chalice is actually gold-plated and covered in white zirconia instead of diamonds, as it would otherwise cost $1 million. “If you already have everything,” she explains, “this is one more thing you can get.”

I believe that anyone who works for Royal Caribbean should be entitled to immediate American citizenship. They already speak English better than most of the passengers and, per the Serbian lady’s sales pitch above, better understand what America is as well. Crew members like my Panamanian cabin attendant seem to work 24 hours a day. A waiter from New Delhi tells me that his contract is six months and three weeks long. After a cruise ends, he says, “in a few hours, we start again for the next cruise.” At the end of the half a year at sea, he is allowed a two-to-three-month stay at home with his family. As of 2019, the median income for crew members was somewhere in the vicinity of $20,000, according to a major business publication. Royal Caribbean would not share the current median salary for its crew members, but I am certain that it amounts to a fraction of the cost of a Royal Bling gold-plated, zirconia-studded chalice.

And because most of the Icon’s hyper-sanitized spaces are just a frittata away from being a Delta lounge, one forgets that there are actual sailors on this ship, charged with the herculean task of docking it in port. “Having driven 100,000-ton aircraft carriers throughout my career,” retired Admiral James G. Stavridis, the former NATO Supreme Allied Commander Europe, writes to me, “I’m not sure I would even know where to begin with trying to control a sea monster like this one nearly three times the size.” (I first met Stavridis while touring Army bases in Germany more than a decade ago.)

Today, I decide to head to the hot tub near Swim & Tonic, where some of the ship’s drunkest reprobates seem to gather (the other tubs are filled with families and couples). The talk here, like everywhere else on the ship, concerns football, a sport about which I know nothing. It is apparent that four teams have recently competed in some kind of finals for the year, and that two of them will now face off in the championship. Often when people on the Icon speak, I will try to repeat the last thing they said with a laugh or a nod of disbelief. “Yes, 20-yard line! Ha!” “Oh my God, of course, scrimmage.”

Soon we are joined in the hot tub by the late-middle-age drunk guy with the duck necklace. He is wearing a bucket hat with the legend HAWKEYES , which, I soon gather, is yet another football team. “All right, who turned me in?” Duck Necklace says as he plops into the tub beside us. “I get a call in the morning,” he says. “It’s security. Can you come down to the dining room by 10 a.m.? You need to stay away from the members of this religious family.” Apparently, the gregarious Duck Necklace had photobombed the wrong people. There are several families who present as evangelical Christians or practicing Muslims on the ship. One man, evidently, was not happy that Duck Necklace had made contact with his relatives. “It’s because of religious stuff; he was offended. I put my arm around 20 people a day.”

Everyone laughs. “They asked me three times if I needed medication,” he says of the security people who apparently interrogated him in full view of others having breakfast.

Another hot-tub denizen suggests that he should have asked for fentanyl. After a few more drinks, Duck Necklace begins to muse about what it would be like to fall off the ship. “I’m 62 and I’m ready to go,” he says. “I just don’t want a shark to eat me. I’m a huge God guy. I’m a Bible guy. There’s some Mayan theory squaring science stuff with religion. There is so much more to life on Earth.” We all nod into our Red Stripes.

“I never get off the ship when we dock,” he says. He tells us he lost $6,000 in the casino the other day. Later, I look him up, and it appears that on land, he’s a financial adviser in a crisp gray suit, probably a pillar of his North Chicago community.

THE OCEAN IS TEEMING with fascinating life, but on the surface it has little to teach us. The waves come and go. The horizon remains ever far away.

I am constantly told by my fellow passengers that “everybody here has a story.” Yes, I want to reply, but everybody everywhere has a story. You, the reader of this essay, have a story, and yet you’re not inclined to jump on a cruise ship and, like Duck Necklace, tell your story to others at great pitch and volume. Maybe what they’re saying is that everybody on this ship wants to have a bigger, more coherent, more interesting story than the one they’ve been given. Maybe that’s why there’s so much signage on the doors around me attesting to marriages spent on the sea. Maybe that’s why the Royal Caribbean newsletter slipped under my door tells me that “this isn’t a vacation day spent—it’s bragging rights earned.” Maybe that’s why I’m so lonely.

Today is a big day for Icon passengers. Today the ship docks at Royal Caribbean’s own Bahamian island, the Perfect Day at CocoCay. (This appears to be the actual name of the island.) A comedian at the nightclub opined on what his perfect day at CocoCay would look like—receiving oral sex while learning that his ex-wife had been killed in a car crash (big laughter). But the reality of the island is far less humorous than that.

One of the ethnic tristate ladies in the infinity pool told me that she loved CocoCay because it had exactly the same things that could be found on the ship itself. This proves to be correct. It is like the Icon, but with sand. The same tired burgers, the same colorful tubes conveying children and water from Point A to B. The same swim-up bar at its Hideaway ($140 for admittance, no children allowed; Royal Caribbean must be printing money off its clientele). “There was almost a fight at The Wizard of Oz ,” I overhear an elderly woman tell her companion on a chaise lounge. Apparently one of the passengers began recording Royal Caribbean’s intellectual property and “three guys came after him.”

I walk down a pathway to the center of the island, where a sign reads DO NOT ENTER: YOU HAVE REACHED THE BOUNDARY OF ADVENTURE . I hear an animal scampering in the bushes. A Royal Caribbean worker in an enormous golf cart soon chases me down and takes me back to the Hideaway, where I run into Mrs. Rand in a bikini. She becomes livid telling me about an altercation she had the other day with a woman over a towel and a deck chair. We Suites have special towel privileges; we do not have to hand over our SeaPass Card to score a towel. But the Rands are not Suites. “People are so entitled here,” Mrs. Rand says. “It’s like the airport with all its classes.” “You see,” I want to say, “this is where your husband’s love of Ayn Rand runs into the cruelties and arbitrary indignities of unbridled capitalism.” Instead we make plans to meet for a final drink in the Schooner Bar tonight (the Rands will stand me up).

Back on the ship, I try to do laps, but the pool (the largest on any cruise ship, naturally) is fully trashed with the detritus of American life: candy wrappers, a slowly dissolving tortilla chip, napkins. I take an extra-long shower in my suite, then walk around the perimeter of the ship on a kind of exercise track, past all the alluring lifeboats in their yellow-and-white livery. Maybe there is a dystopian angle to the HBO series that I will surely end up pitching, one with shades of WALL-E or Snowpiercer . In a collapsed world, a Royal Caribbean–like cruise liner sails from port to port, collecting new shipmates and supplies in exchange for the precious energy it has on board. (The actual Icon features a new technology that converts passengers’ poop into enough energy to power the waterslides . In the series, this shitty technology would be greatly expanded.) A very young woman (18? 19?), smart and lonely, who has only known life on the ship, walks along the same track as I do now, contemplating jumping off into the surf left by its wake. I picture reusing Duck Necklace’s words in the opening shot of the pilot. The girl is walking around the track, her eyes on the horizon; maybe she’s highborn—a Suite—and we hear the voice-over: “I’m 19 and I’m ready to go. I just don’t want a shark to eat me.”

Before the cruise is finished, I talk to Mr. Washy Washy, or Nielbert of the Philippines. He is a sweet, gentle man, and I thank him for the earworm of a song he has given me and for keeping us safe from the dreaded norovirus. “This is very important to me, getting people to wash their hands,” he tells me in his burger getup. He has dreams, as an artist and a performer, but they are limited in scope. One day he wants to dress up as a piece of bacon for the morning shift.

THE MAIDEN VOYAGE OF THE TITANIC (the Icon of the Seas is five times as large as that doomed vessel) at least offered its passengers an exciting ending to their cruise, but when I wake up on the eighth day, all I see are the gray ghosts that populate Miami’s condo skyline. Throughout my voyage, my writer friends wrote in to commiserate with me. Sloane Crosley, who once covered a three-day spa mini-cruise for Vogue , tells me she felt “so very alone … I found it very untethering.” Gideon Lewis-Kraus writes in an Instagram comment: “When Gary is done I think it’s time this genre was taken out back and shot.” And he is right. To badly paraphrase Adorno: After this, no more cruise stories. It is unfair to put a thinking person on a cruise ship. Writers typically have difficult childhoods, and it is cruel to remind them of the inherent loneliness that drove them to writing in the first place. It is also unseemly to write about the kind of people who go on cruises. Our country does not provide the education and upbringing that allow its citizens an interior life. For the creative class to point fingers at the large, breasty gentlemen adrift in tortilla-chip-laden pools of water is to gather a sour harvest of low-hanging fruit.

A day or two before I got off the ship, I decided to make use of my balcony, which I had avoided because I thought the view would only depress me further. What I found shocked me. My suite did not look out on Central Park after all. This entire time, I had been living in the ship’s Disneyland, Surfside, the neighborhood full of screaming toddlers consuming milkshakes and candy. And as I leaned out over my balcony, I beheld a slight vista of the sea and surf that I thought I had been missing. It had been there all along. The sea was frothy and infinite and blue-green beneath the span of a seagull’s wing. And though it had been trod hard by the world’s largest cruise ship, it remained.

This article appears in the May 2024 print edition with the headline “A Meatball at Sea.” When you buy a book using a link on this page, we receive a commission. Thank you for supporting The Atlantic.