visit my mom's grave

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Naming rites: Giving my mother back her name, 30 years after her death

When TODAY producer Jared Crawford went to visit his mother's grave for the first time in decades, he wasn't prepared for what he found.

I felt vaguely hopeful as I stalked through the cemetery. The sky was clear and the air was crisp. Dead leaves announced my footfalls. It was New Year’s Day of 2012 and I was thinking about new beginnings. One of the gravestones, I was sure, held what I was looking for. As I crisscrossed the rows of markers, I kept double-checking the map my father had given me. It was made of yellow paper and had my father’s handwritten notes pinpointing my mother’s final resting place. No one had studied this map in three decades.

At my side that day was my fiancé. We’d taken a cab from our home in Queens to Holy Cross Cemetery in the East Flatbush section of Brooklyn. She urged me to get some flowers before we left, but I figured they must sell them near our destination. I was wrong. Inside the cemetery gates the manicured grounds were populated with stunning gravestones bearing the names of former mayors and mobsters. But the surrounding area offered no amenities to the grieving. After 30 minutes of looking for somewhere to buy flowers, we gave up and went in, empty-handed.

We were there, in large part, because my fiancé was curious about my mother. I also wanted to “introduce” my future wife to my mother. It seemed a bit weird, but important. We prowled the section of the cemetery that my father had indicated and studied every marker. Then we studied them again. My eyes darted about desperately until I realized the unthinkable: My mother’s name was not there. All we found on the gravestone in question was the name of my grandmother, Marie.

Let me explain.

My mother, Mary Ann, died of spinal cancer when I was 9 years old. People speak of battling cancer. My mother never had a fighting chance. The tumors were crushing her spinal cord. One cold December night she was rushed from our home in an ambulance and never came back. We went to the cemetery for her funeral and, from what I remember, we never returned.

The author (right) with his late mother and his brother.

My father did the best he could to raise us. But he worked nights. In reality, my brother, Adam, and I raised ourselves. We cooked and cleaned and did our homework. Our father would check it and leave us notes in a big brown plastic binder. Parenting by correspondence.

Back in the graveyard, three decades later, I was in shock. I pulled out my cell phone on the spot and called my dad. He must have known this call was coming ever since he handed me that map. When I asked him why mom’s gravestone didn’t have her name on it he gave me the answer he always gave when it came to his late wife: “I don’t know, son. It was so long ago.”

That usually led me to change the subject. My father had been through so much. But this time, a plea of amnesia wasn’t good enough. Not from where I was standing.

“C’mon, Dad. How come you never told me?” I asked.

“I don’t know,” he said. “I had a lot going on.”

What he had going on was the end of his wife’s grueling illness, a mountain of medical bills, two brokenhearted boys to raise and a long-standing feud with his father-in-law. This last problem, I believe, was behind my mother’s unmarked grave. Years of mutual dislike came to a head when she died. Apparently, she had wanted to be cremated. But my dad didn’t have the strength to fight my grandfather, who insisted she be buried in the family plot. After she was laid to rest no one took the extra step to put her name on the stone.

I had to accept that no one was going to give me a proper answer for what happened. My grandfather passed not long after my mother. My father never remarried. I saw no point in pressing him to remember when all he wanted to do was forget. When I told my brother what I had found in the cemetery he quickly resolved that it was what it was and there was nothing that could be done to change it. A survivor’s response.

But this knowledge gnawed at me. I felt as if something of great consequence had been overlooked. It would be easy to say it’s clearly not that important if none of my mom’s friends or family, including her youngest son, had visited her grave just once in all those years. Fair enough.

Here’s the thing: All my life my mother’s friends have told me I remind them of her. That I look just like her. That she and I had the same sense of humor. Maybe there was even more that we shared. I wish I knew. So, while my family didn’t need to remember, I did. I thought that if I was planning on becoming a good husband, and hopefully a father someday, I should also try to be a good son.

The woman at the cemetery sounded exhausted when I called, as if she spent her days being henpecked by all the widows of the late husbands in her care. Then I told her my story and the veneer cracked. She gave me the numbers of memorial companies that work on gravestones. The one I chose sent me an estimate along with some paperwork. Among the papers was an affidavit I needed to sign confirming that I was related to the owner of the plot — a long lost, long dead cousin.

The whole thing took me months to complete. I’m not sure why. Maybe I was waiting for someone to stand with me, to care as much as I did. But that didn’t happen. My brother did offer to pay half the cost because it was important to me. The gap in how we have dealt with the loss of our mother is wide and flows in opposite directions. Or maybe it was the finality of it all. Having something actually written in stone. If I let them take chisel to stone then I would finally have to let her go.

If I let them take chisel to stone then I would finally have to let her go.

In the end, I signed my name to those papers to give my mother back her name.

But it wasn’t so easy.

A few weeks later I got a voicemail from the company that does the memorials saying my request had been rejected by the cemetery. Despite the affidavit I had signed, they didn’t believe I was related to this long lost, long dead cousin. That meant that they didn’t believe I was related to my mother. I called them back and explained that my mother was an only child and that her parents were dead. No one currently living could possibly have rights to that grave but me and my brother.

The solution, I was told, was to provide my birth certificate proving I was my mother’s son. In a sense, I had to show that I belonged to my mother to verify that she belonged to me.

I didn’t have a copy of my birth certificate. But I knew who did.

My father and I waltzed through the usual small talk before I led us to the reason I had called.

“Hey dad, do you have a copy of my birth certificate?”

There was a pause. He was thinking.

“Let me look around,” he said. “What do you need it for?”

Here’s the moment where I should have told him the truth. But I didn’t.

“They need it for work,” I said.

I work as a producer at TODAY and, at the time, there was a chance I was going to be sent overseas. It was an easy cover I knew my dad wouldn’t question. He worked in television news for decades and respected the demands of the job.

Eventually, he sent me a copy of the birth certificate.

2014 in New York City was ushered in with the ball drop in Times Square, followed by a snowstorm across the five boroughs. The morning of Saturday, Jan. 4, I used a cardboard FedEx envelope to shovel the snow off our Zipcar. The memorial company had called to tell me that my request had been accepted and that the job was done. We were headed back to my mother’s grave site that day, the 30th anniversary of her funeral. This time we got a lovely bouquet of flowers and a holiday wreath. Then we drove to the cemetery.

Crawford poses at his mother's grave site.

The grounds were a wintry landscape of snow and ornate stone. As we parked and left the car our breath was stolen by the frigid air. My wife carried the wreath, and I carried the flowers. I unfolded the yellow map.

As we tramped through the snow, I could feel my wife stealing glances at me to try to gauge what I was feeling. I’m not sure I knew.

Our path was intersected by the tracks of squirrels that spent their days scampering among the tombstones. Finally we got to the right section and started to look around. Without a word we split up and studied the stones. Selfishly, I wanted to be the one to find it first though I didn’t have the heart to tell my wife to stop looking, to stop helping. We looked and looked and once again I began feeling lost. Then I remembered that the headstone was low to the ground. I began kicking away the snow in between the taller markers. She must be there, I thought, in one of the empty spaces. And she was. Finally, my boots scraped away the snow covering my mother’s gravestone. This time it had her name, Mary Ann, flanked by her dates, 1947 and 1983.

The stone is now engraved with his mother's name.

The tears came suddenly and with no surprise. My wife hugged me and then walked away to give me a moment alone. I stood there and told my mother that I loved her and missed her. The only reply was the bitter cold wind and the sound of my wife’s footsteps in the snow. At that moment I didn’t feel sadness or grief, but pride and peace. Pride in accomplishing this small tribute to a woman who had been so loved and so forgotten. The peace came from realizing that the pain I had carried for so long could never be jettisoned. It is a part of me, etched on my heart by some other stonemason. That defining period in my life three decades ago is mine alone to experience as I wish. And my wish is to never forget. Rather, I would take that long ago painful memory and this new hopeful one and stack them carefully with all the other important moments of my life and move forward. Bundled together, the load is easier to carry.

I said goodbye to the stone and promised to come back. With the flowers and wreath in place, I turned and followed my wife’s tracks through the snow, ready to be someplace warm.

9 Caring Prayers For Visiting A Grave Site

Are you visiting a grave site of a loved one and want to pray while you are there?

These nine caring prayers might be helpful to you. Whether you are going to the grave of a family member or a dear friend, it can be difficult to know what to do or say when you are there.

Praying a simple prayer may be an easy choice for you. You can alter any of these prayers to better fit your specific circumstances, as needed.

Later on, you may want to pray about accepting death , or about having a better tomorrow .

When we visit a grave site, we want to remember our loved one, and pay honor to their memory in some way. Perhaps that is by laying flowers there or cleaning off the grave marker.

Another way is to pray a prayer of thanks for the person and the impact they had on your life.

The Psalmist reminds us that death is a part of living here on earth as a human. We will all die at some point.

“What man can live and not see death? Can he rescue his soul from the [powerful] hand of Sheol (the nether world, the place of the dead)?” ( Psalm 89.48 , Amplified).

With this understanding, we don’t have to be wary of going to the site of a grave of a loved one.

Though they are gone, being there at their grave is way to continue your connection to their memory. And prayer can be a poignant part of that connecting moment for you.

As you pray these prayers (or others you may discover on this site), we invite you to share your own prayer requests and comments at the end of this article.

Short Prayer At A Grave Site

Dear Lord, I have come here to this cemetery to find the grave of a relative of mine. I did not know them well, but they played a big role in how my current family came together. I feel like I need to give thanks for them, and their life, for how they unknowingly influenced mine in a positive way.

Thank you for (name) and their long life. May their legacy continue on in the coming months and years. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Prayer At A Mother’s Grave

Lord God, I miss my mom. She’s been dead for a while now, but every time I come to her grave, I am struck by how much her memory, and her life is still alive in me and through me.

Thank you for that. Thank you that her influence still lives on, even though she has passed.

It’s so peaceful here at her grave site. So still and quiet and I am grateful for the respite of peace when I come. She’d likely appreciate how nice it looks out here.

Thank you for the people who care for the grounds here at this cemetery. It’s a measure of respect for the dead to have this place look good.

Thank you for my mother, Lord. I miss her and wish she was still with us, but I know she is with you and whole and has the final healing through Christ. I pray this in the name of Jesus, Amen.

Prayer At A Father’s Grave

Dear God, my father has been gone from us for a number of years, but I’m glad I decided to come to his grave today.

I find myself coming here when I face difficult decisions . I know he’s not actually here because through Jesus he is with you in heaven.

But I feel like I can talk to him here at his grave site, like I’m somehow connected to him here. I just feel closer to him here than somewhere else.

Thank you for the hope I have that his death was not the end. It gives me a measure of peace, even as I read his gravestone each time I visit here.

Thank you for his life and his impact on my life. Thank you for his continued influence on me as I raise my own children. Thank you for giving me the dad I had, for as long as he was here. In the name of Jesus I pray, Amen.

Prayer At A Child’s Grave

Father God, I shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t be here in this cemetery at the grave of my child. A parent isn’t supposed to bury their children. This is so hard for me because seeing the grass on the tomb and the grave marker with her birth and death date etched in granite makes it so very real. She’s gone.

Even so, I can’t believe my baby girl is not with us anymore. Killed in a car crash . One moment she was here with us and the next second, she is dead. It sounds strange even as I say these words, but I feel like I am closer to her here at her grave, even though I know she’s gone.

I wanted so much for her and all those hopes and dreams of how her life would unfold will never happen, never have a chance to happen.

I will never be the same, but I know enough to realize I can’t stay in the emotional state I am in right now. I just don’t know how to move forward. Somehow, I hoped being here would help me see some way forward.

Help me, God, to keep my daughter’s memory alive within me and yet still move forward without her here. I don’t know how but I want to honor her amazing life in the future. I pray this prayer of hope and desperation in the name of Jesus, Amen.

Graveside Prayer On The First-Year Anniversary Of Death

One year, Lord. It’s been one year since my favorite since my dad died. The last 365 days seem to blur altogether as I think about the first birthday, Christmas, and Thanksgiving without my dad there with us. I miss him so much.

I came all the way here to this grave to formally mark that it has been one year since he died. I’m not sure what I thought would happen, but I hope that as I pray this prayer here, I am honoring him and his life. I hope I can turn out to be even half the man he was.

I don’t know what the future holds but I know I don’t want to let go of my dad’s memory. I don’t want to forget my dad, just because he’s not around and I don’t see him or hear him. I don’t want him to fade away from my life and mind.

In some way, Lord, I guess I’m praying that you keep my dad alive in me, through his wisdom and advice I’ve picked up over the years.

I pray this prayer in the name of Jesus, my Savior, Amen.

Prayer At A Friend’s Grave

God, I miss my friend (friend’s name). He was brave and positive until cancer just took him away from us all. I miss his laughter and encouragement.

I hate that the cancer wasn’t treatable , but there was a special mercy in that he didn’t suffer for very long. He left us quickly.

I came here today to remember him and to honor him. He had such a great impact on my life. Through this prayer, I am telling him thanks, even though I know he’s not here. I know you can understand all of this and it doesn’t really have to make sense.

Thank you for meeting me in this and giving me your peace, Lord. In the name of Jesus I pray, Amen.

Prayer At A Sister’s Grave

I wish I wasn’t here, Lord. I wish I was visiting my sister at her house and listening to her delightful chuckle when I crack a silly joke. But I am here at her grave instead. I miss my sister and wish she was still with us.

But she is gone. Although this is her grave and she isn’t here, but with you, I feel like I can talk to her here, better than anywhere else.

There is a finality to this place and space that helps me accept her death. There is also hope in the midst of all of this because I know she lives on through her family and through me.

Thank you for my sister’s life. Thank you for your peace. In the name of Jesus I pray this prayer, Amen.

Prayer At A Brother’s Grave

God, I miss my brother and I wish I could see him and hug him right now. But I can’t because he is dead and I am here at the site of his burial. He’s gone and I don’t like that fact.

I have found that as I pray to you here at his grave, it helps me accept his death a little bit more each time. I don’t ever want to lose him in my memory. Being here at his grave somehow enables me to keep his life alive on my own.

I am grateful that my prayers here don’t always have to make great sense but you hear me and meet me here with your Spirit to comfort me. Thank you, Lord. Help me to keep on living in Christ. Amen.

Prayer At A Relative’s Grave

Dear Lord, I came to my grandmother’s grave as a way to honor her life and her memory. I’m glad I brought fresh flowers so her grave site doesn’t look neglected. I wish she was still with us, but she did live a very full and complete life, that’s for sure.

I wish she could see all of the people she had influenced over the years, but perhaps in heaven, somehow, she knows all of that. Thank you for her life and thank you for the peace you have given me here. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Final Thoughts

Visiting a grave may not be easy for you. If your friend or loved one had a relationship with Jesus Christ, you may wonder why you are even there at their grave site. They are not there but in heaven with God.

So, why visit their grave?

“ Otherwise Christ would have had to suffer many times since the creation of the world. But he has appeared once for all at the culmination of the ages to do away with sin by the sacrifice of himself. Just as people are destined to die once, and after that to face judgment, so Christ was sacrificed once to take away the sins of many; and he will appear a second time, not to bear sin, but to bring salvation to those who are waiting for him ” ( Hebrews 9.26-28 , NIV).

It doesn’t have to make full sense and that’s okay. But, for many, visiting the grave of a family member or dear friend is a way to be connected to that person. It’s a space where it feels like it’s okay to talk to that person, even though they are gone.

It’s not weird or strange–it’s a form of walking out our grief for the person. It’s also a place where you can pray a prayer of thanks for the person. Be at ease and be at peace as you go, and as you pray.

About The Author

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Visiting A Grave: Purpose & Etiquette of Grave Visitations

Anyone who has lost someone special knows how difficult such a loss can be. The first time you visit may be for the formal burial right after you finish the funeral service. This cemetery visit is likely to be the most difficult one you make.

Visiting the grave of your loved one can be a comforting act that helps you achieve closure as you mourn. Consider if you wish to bring something to use as grave decorations before you head to the burial site of the person.

Table of Contents

Why Visit A Loved One’s Grave?

Have you ever visited a gravesite or mausoleum? There are many reasons to stop by the grave of a loved one or close friend.

Solitude: Spending some time in reflection on the cemetery grounds of a friend or family member is a great place for enjoying the solitude and being alone with your thoughts.
Prayer : Mourners may wish to visit graves to pray for their dearly departed.
Connection: Even though your loved one has passed away and is not really “there,” many people feel more connected to their loved ones at the cemetery.
Tradition: More people visit their loved one’s final resting place on Memorial Day weekend than any other day of the year. While it originated to pay respects to fallen soldiers, the day has grown to encompass any departed people.
Decorating: Another reason to visit the cemetery is to decorate the grave, whether you are leaving flowers, grave blankets, garden flags, or something else.
Cleaning: Although cemeteries do a general cleanup of the grounds, you may find you want to do a bit more work to clean up your loved one’s resting place. That can include wiping down the headstone, picking weeds, or removing old flowers.
Special Days: Visiting your mom or dad on Mother’s Day or Father’s Day can be very difficult, especially the first time after they have passed. Special days provide another opportunity for visiting graves.

Are There Other Graves Worth Visiting?

Visiting a gravesite for someone you did not personally know can be a very interesting experience. Many graves are often visited based on their historical value . The Tomb of the Unknown Soldier at Arlington National Cemetery is perhaps the most visited gravesite in the United States. While you are at Arlington, consider stopping to see the grave of John F. Kennedy , which is also a revered historic site.

People also seem to gravitate toward graves of famous people who were singers or entertainers.

Other famous graves and their locations are:

George Washington , Mount Vernon, Virginia
Abraham Lincoln, Springfield, Illinois
Susan B. Anthony, Rochester, New York
Elvis Presley, Memphis, Tennessee
Martin Luther King, Atlanta, Georgia
Marilyn Monroe, Los Angeles, California
Johnny Cash, Hendersonville, Tennessee
Babe Ruth, Hawthorne, New York
John Belushi, Chilmark, Massachusetts

When Should You Visit The Grave

Unsure when to visit a grave? First, check the cemetery hours . Some cemeteries are considered open from dawn to dusk. There are other cemeteries with much more limited hours, and they are gated and locked outside of those hours.

Be respectful of the posted hours of a cemetery and only visit within those parameters. If you are having difficulty finding the grave marker you are looking for, there are usually caretakers with maps to help you find your way.

Should You Bring Something To Decorate The Grave?

Cemeteries often have fairly specific regulations on what you can use for decorating the gravesite of your loved one. Check those out before you make your decision on what mementos you want to leave. Popular things to leave are:

Flowers: Flowers are a very popular item to leave at a loved one’s grave. Some cemeteries allow you to plant flowers near the headstone as long as you tend them yourself. You can even leave flowers at some mausoleums if you purchase a vase to accompany the site. Visitors can choose live or artificial flowers.
Flags: A pretty garden flag is a lovely accompaniment to a granite headstone. These flags come in many different colors, patterns, and themes.
Grave Blankets: A grave blanket is a blanket of sorts made of evergreen branches. These are put on gravesites in the fall, usually before the first snowfall. They can bring a touch of green to the barren fall landscape.
Coins: This practice has a historic basis both in mythology and the military. In ancient times, the thought was that your loved one would need the coins to bribe their way through the afterlife. In the military , the coin you leave explains your relationship with the deceased. A penny means you did not know them but honor their service. Nickels signify that you went to boot camp with the deceased. A dime says that you served with the deceased in the military, and a quarter indicates you were with the deceased when they died.
Stones: In Jewish tradition, stones are often left on gravestones. The origin of this tradition is unclear, and there are many theories. One is that the stone keeps the soul in the world. Another is that stones are a lasting reminder that someone has visited, unlike flowers that will wilt and die.
Momentos: People commonly leave momentos at a gravesite that has sentimental value or meaning. I have a young nephew who passed away, and when I visit his gravesite, it is often decorated with small trains or tractor toys. Sometimes I have found a can of beer at a man’s grave, assumedly left behind by a friend or son. Usually, the item has sentimental value to the person who left it that others might not understand.

What Etiquette Should You Observe?

When visiting the cemetery, there are rules of etiquette . Interestingly enough, sometimes people are very judgmental about how others act in a cemetery. As an avid runner, I will often stop to visit my nephew’s grave when I pass the cemetery on my way home. When I jog to his grave, I turn off my music and slowly make my way to his marker.

One day when leaving the cemetery, I saw two women tending a grave. I heard one tell the other that she “finds it disrespectful when people run or bike in a cemetery.” I did not engage with her (even though I could clearly hear her comment) because I recognized I did not know her situation. Perhaps she was newly grieving and would not normally presume to know my intention.

What I wanted to say was, “You don’t know what grief looks like on me.” I wasn’t just running in a cemetery. I was visiting the grave of someone I love and miss. Yes, my transportation was my feet. Yes, I was dressed in shorts and a tank top. Yes, I was sweating. But I was grieving just the same. The point is, don’t presume to understand someone else thoughts or feelings as they work through their own grief.

Here are a few rules you should observe:

Drive slowly.
Respect visiting hours.
Don’t blast music or talk loudly.
Stay off graves, and walk on roads and paths.
Do not sit or lean on headstones .
Keep children quiet and respectful.
Try not to interrupt other visitors.

Is There A Dress Code?

Unless it is a funeral or graveside service going on, there is no dress code in the cemetery. Dress for the weather and wear comfortable shoes in case you need to walk a bit.

If you are going to clean up your loved one’s grave, wear clothes you won’t mind getting dirty. It is okay to wear jeans and a sweatshirt to the cemetery. Be mindful if there is a service going on near you, though.

Pam Berg is a former English teacher with a passion for writing. She has written for many years on a variety of topics and considers herself to be somewhat of a jack of all trades when it comes to writing. Although most of us tend to want to avoid the topic of death, whether it is us or a loved one, it is inevitable. Pam is dedicated to ensuring that as people are funeral planning they have access to a no-nonsense, straightforward laying out of the facts. However, she also recognizes that this is a topic that needs to be approached in a sensitive manner.

What does the bible say about visiting graves kjv?

The Bible does not specifically mention the act of visiting graves, but it does talk about graves in a few places. In the book of Genesis, for example, we read about the death and burial of Adam and Eve’s son, Abel.And in the New Testament, we see Jesus visiting the grave of His friend Lazarus.

So while the Bible doesn’t give us a clear command about whether or not to visit graves, we can see that it is not something that God forbids. And from the examples we see in Scripture, it appears that visiting graves can be a way to honor and remember our loved ones who have died.

The Bible does not say anything specifically about visiting graves, but it does talk about honoring our ancestors. In the book of Exodus, God instructs Moses to have the Israelites set aside a day to honor their fathers and grandfathers. In the book of Deuteronomy, God tells the Israelites to always remember what their ancestors did, both the good and the bad.

Are Christians allowed to visit graves?

There is no set rule for how often friends or family should visit the cemetery in the Protestant Christian tradition. The grave may be attended whenever it is convenient for those who wish to show honor and respect for the deceased. It is up to each individual to decide how often they would like to visit the cemetery.

There is no right or wrong way to visit the grave of a loved one. For some, it is a way to honor the memory of the person and to show that this life had significance on Earth. For others, it is a spiritual experience that brings comfort and peace. There is no correct way to feel when on hallowed ground. Each person experiences grief and mourning in their own way.

Is it OK to visit the cemetery

If you have a loved one buried in a local cemetery, you are always welcome to visit their grave site. Cemeteries are designed to be visited and we hope you take the opportunity to do so.

The Lord is going to bring his people back from the dead and into the land of Israel. This is a time of great joy and hope for the people of Israel.

Why shouldnt you walk on graves?

When visiting a cemetery, it is important to be respectful of the gravesites. Always walk between the headstones and avoid standing on top of a gravesite. Be considerate of other mourners. If a funeral is taking place, stay out of the way of the procession and burial.

This verse is significant because it describes the events that occurred upon the death of Jesus. It is also significant because it describes the report that tombs broke open and the saints inside were resurrected.

Is it OK to visit my mom’s grave?

For many people, visiting a loved one’s grave is part of a comforting tradition. They bring flowers or mementoes on special days like birthdays or holidays. They spend time talking to their loved one, updating them on the grandkids, the new house, or whatever else they want. This tradition provides comfort by keeping the memory of their loved one alive and giving them a sense of connection.

When visiting a loved one’s headstone, it is important to take some time to tidy up and check on the condition of the stone. Over time, dirt, lichen, and other environmental factors can cause the headstone to become dirty. take a few moments to clean it up and make sure it is in good condition.

When you are at the headstone, take a moment to read Scripture or share a quote that was meaningful to your loved one. This can be a nice way to reflect on their life and remember the good times you shared together.

If you are visiting with family or other loved ones, take some time to chat and catch up. This can be a nice way to spend some time together and remember your loved one.

Bring flowers to place at the headstone. This is a nice way to show that you are thinking of them and to brighten up their final resting place.

If you have a small stone or token that you would like to leave behind, this can be a nice way to personalize your visit.

Finally, leave a flag at the headstone. This is a nice way to show your respect and to honor your loved one’s service to their country.

What should you not do when visiting a cemetery

Children should be respectful while at a cemetery. No running, yelling, or rolling around on the ground. This is not a place for childhood games. They should not play on any of the monuments. While it is good to get children used to paying respects at a cemetery, they often don’t fully understand the meaning of everything in the cemetery.

What is it called when you visit a grave?

There are many different reasons why people might visit graves. For some, it is a religious pilgrimage to a holy site. For others, it is a way to remember and honor a deceased loved one. And for others still, it is simply a tourist activity, exploring historical sites and points of interest. Whatever the reason, grave visiting is a practice that is centuries old and continues to be popular today.

Please be respectful of burial sites and the objects or decorations that may be on or near them. If you come across anything, leave it where it is. Burial plots come in all shapes and sizes, and some may be harder to see than others. Walking between headstones is a welcomed activity, as long as discretion is used. Thank you.

Does the Bible say let the dead bury the dead

This passage from Matthew 8 speaks to the importance of following Jesus above all else. Even when we have other responsibilities that may seem more pressing, like burying a loved one, we must remember that Jesus is our first priority. We must be willing to let go of everything else in order to follow Him. This may not be easy, but it is what He has called us to do.

There is no explicit command in the Old Testament against cremation, and Josiah’s actions in 2 Kings 23:16-20 do not seem to result in any negative consequences. Therefore, it appears that there is no biblical objection to cremation.

Where in the Bible does it say it’s better to go to a funeral than a party?

It is better to have a good name than to have fine perfume. It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting. Death is the destiny of every man. The living should take this to heart.

There are a few different theories as to why some people hold their breath when they pass a graveyard. Some believe that it’s to avoid making the ghosts jealous (you know, because you’re alive and can still breathe) while others do it to avoid breathing in any spirits. Whatever the reason, it’s definitely an interesting superstition!

What is disrespectful to a grave

Visiting a cemetery can be a somber and respectful experience. It is important to remember that the graves are the final resting place for people and should be treated with respect. Touching monuments or headstones is extremely disrespectful and in some cases, may cause damage. For example, some older memorials might be in disrepair and could fall apart under the slightest touch. Be sure to walk in between the headstones, and don’t stand on top of a burial place.

There is a belief in some cultures that even pointing at a grave could bring bad luck. Given the proliferation of photos of graveyards, that means a lot of people have been willingly courting bad luck! According to one website, collecting epitaphs means the collector will lose their memory.

So if you’re looking to avoid bad luck, it might be best to steer clear of graves and epitaphs altogether. Or at the very least, be sure to stay on the safe side and don’t actually touch any graves!

The Bible does not explicitly say anything about visiting graves, but it does talk about honoring our ancestors. In the Book of Exodus, God tells Moses to have the Israelites build a tabernacle in which they can worship Him. He also instructs them to erect 12 pillars around the tabernacle, one for each of the 12 tribes of Israel. He says that these pillars are to be used to remember the ancestors who led the Israelites out of slavery in Egypt. In the Book of Leviticus, God instructs the Israelites to set aside a portion of their land as a cemetery for their dead. He says that they are not to defile the land with the blood of their dead, and they are to bury their dead in a proper manner. In the Book of Deuteronomy, God tells the Israelites to erect a monument to themselves on the spot where they cross the Jordan River into the Promised Land. He says that this monument is to serve as a reminder of their ancestors who died during their journey through the wilderness. In the New Testament, Jesus Christ tells His disciples that He will go to prepare a place for them in His Father’s house. He also says that He will come again to receive them unto Himself, so that where

The Bible does not say anything specifically about visiting graves, but it does speak about honoring the dead. In Matthew 5:13, Jesus says, “Blessed are the dead who die in the Lord from now on.” Revelation 14:13 also speaks of those who “die in the Lord” as being blessed. So, while the Bible does not specifically mention visiting graves, it does indicate that it is important to honor the dead.

Hilda Scott

Hilda Scott is an avid explorer of the Bible and inteprator of its gospel. She is passionate about researching and uncovering the mysteries that lie in this sacred book. She hopes to use her knowledge and expertise to bring faith and God closer to people all around the world.

Visiting Mom’s Grave

August 15, 2022 • By Shawn Decker

Over the weekend I attended a bridal shower. I’ve seen a lot of family this summer due to all of the memorial services. So it was nice to experience familial love and bonding in a different emotional venue. I can assure you, laughter could be heard at both. One thing that seems to bond my immediate and extended family is a sense of humor... a deep understanding of the importance of making light of, nay, the importance of letting a little light into the darkness.

I met young and older relatives for the first time. And my dad got to hang out with his sister. Since my mom didn’t want a memorial service, these adjacent family gatherings have been nice for him.

Nice for us.

I thought of Mom as I have at all of these gatherings... what would she think of this speech? Would she cry when her cousins sang a beautiful song in tribute of their mother, or would she be miffed that she wasn’t invited to play the piano of add a harmony? I’ve noticed my favorite aspects of mom’s spirit in so many members of my family. So in quite a few different ways I’ve felt like she was there, kind of letting me know what she thought at times.

Usually a hilariously hot take.

That’s kind of why I didn’t think I’d need to head to her grave site. At least not this soon. I know a lot of people gain peace by visiting grave sites, I guess I didn’t know I was one of them, too. But the day after the bridal shower kind of went off the rails emotionally, and a song with the word “cemetery” in it helped me figure out where I needed to be. I went over by myself, and bawled most of the way there... and then again once I arrived. As confident as I am in my feeling that our energy continues forward past this “physical phase”, to put it lightly, I’m equally as confident that I am not going to see my mother here, ever again.

You don’t know that, Son.

Oh quiet down, Mom.

It sure would be a hoot, wouldn’t it?

For you it would be! Oh, if you are intent on trying this out then get your granddaughter. You’ll know which one. She’s way into horror movies and would think it was kind of cool and tell me about it for sure. Anyone else would soil themselves so please, no.

At her site, as I was bawlin’, I thought of her and didn’t really hear a word. I thought that she might see this as kind of dramatic. But no one else was around. Just me. Surrounded by the physically dead. As I cried, I considered the countless tears shed where I sat, walked and looked to the sky. Before I left, I set up some flowers that had tilted over on stranger’s grave. They were 30 when they passed in 1991. I put the rainbow-colored pinwheel into the ground and it twirled a beautiful twirl for about ten seconds, recatching the wind for the first time since the wind had momentarily won their little tug of war... twirling just enough before slowing to a full stop.

When I thought my tears had come to a full stop, I said aloud: “There, Mom. I’m done, I’m okay.” Then just as I was about to stand up I cried. I sat down. And I fully understood that she had absolutely no problem and no judgement on my emotional outburst. During her time here, being tough was important because it was a necessity early. Appearing tough became more important over time, too. But I knew her, I knew how big her heart was... it needed some protecting.

In my last wave of tears for the day I felt like I know her. Know her in the present. Those old self-defense mechanisms? They are no longer needed where she is. In feeling that, I felt undoubtedly better and relieved that I didn’t turn back home halfway to the site, as I felt an urge to do at one exit... part of being younger is doing things you don’t really want to but know you “have to”. Part of getting older- and it feels like fucking magical privilege to me- is doing things you don’t want to but know you have to.

Anyhoo, it’s been helpful to write out all of these feelings. We all grieve differently through our own filters, and we do our best to make sense of it all, even if our best is avoiding it all entirely. Mom taught me very early in life that death as we know it isn’t to be feared. It happens to all of us and she believed in something beyond this. When I was first learning this, I was probably 5 or 6. Around the same time she lost her grandmother. I like the thought of mom being reunited with the lights of her life, and I like the thought of that kind of “ending” to all of this for everyone.

Well written, Pookie.

Thanks, I wasn’t sure how to end this.

Alright, let’s not push our luck with the reader. Ah, thanks Mom- more tears and more laughs. Happy now? ... I know you are.

Positively Yours,

blogger profile Shawn Decker

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It took me 30 years to visit my mom’s grave. I wasn’t prepared for what I found

Let me explain.

That usually led me to change the subject. My father had been through so much. But this time, a plea of amnesia wasn’t good enough. Not from where I was standing.

“C’mon, Dad. How come you never told me?” I asked.

“I don’t know,” he said. “I had a lot going on.”

In the end, I signed my name to those papers to give my mother back her name.

But it wasn’t so easy.

The solution, I was told, was to provide my birth certificate proving I was my mother’s son. In a sense, I had to show that I belonged to my mother to verify that she belonged to me.

I didn’t have a copy of my birth certificate. But I knew who did.

My father and I waltzed through the usual small talk before I led us to the reason I had called.

“Hey dad, do you have a copy of my birth certificate?”

There was a pause. He was thinking.

“Let me look around,” he said. “What do you need it for?”

Here’s the moment where I should have told him the truth. But I didn’t.

“They need it for work,” I said.

Eventually, he sent me a copy of the birth certificate.

As we tramped through the snow, I could feel my wife stealing glances at me to try to gauge what I was feeling. I’m not sure I knew.

I said goodbye to the stone and promised to come back. With the flowers and wreath in place, I turned and followed my wife’s tracks through the snow, ready to be someplace warm.

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Graveside Visitation Ideas

Visiting the gravesite of a loved one can evoke a lot of thoughts and emotions. Oftentimes, spending time at a special person’s final resting place can provide solace and a sense of closeness to that person. For some, the idea of visiting a grave may cause some apprehension since they don’t know what feelings may arise during the visit.

My father passed away in December of 2011 and the first time I visited his grave I remember thinking, “What do I do now that I am here?” I knew that visitors often left flowers on their loved one’s graves; however, my dad was unlike most people and didn’t particularly care for flowers. Hence, I was at a loss for what to do and felt a little empty inside upon leaving the cemetery. If you find yourself in a similar situation, hopefully this blog will give you some graveside visitation ideas to make your time more impactful.

When to Visit

Public cemeteries are open daily making it convenient for guests to spend time at a loved one’s grave. There is no “rule” as to when or how often family members and friends should visit a gravesite, but there are certain days that are more popular.

Anniversaries of marriage, birth and death
Traditional holidays: Valentine’s Day, Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas
Memorial Day and Veterans Day
Mother’s Day and Father’s Day
Yom Kippur and Rosh HaShanah

What to Do During Your Visit

Many possibilities exist as to what you can do when visiting a grave and there is no right or wrong choice. The most important thing is that you are paying tribute to a loved one in a manner that is meaningful to you.

Decorate the Grave

Flowers are the most common decorations found on graves. A simple, single flower or something more substantial such as a floral arrangement or wreath can be used to decorate a grave. Many times visitors place their loved one’s favorite flower or plant on the grave. Or, they may leave behind a flower or plant based on its symbolic meaning .

Calla lily : faith, purity, and holiness
Carnation : love and affection
Daisy : innocence, purity, and happiness
Fern : sincerity and humility
Hydrangea : honesty and gratitude, amends and understanding
Lily : purity and beauty
Red rose : love and affection
Tulip : confidence, affection, and enduring love
Yellow rose : friendship and gratitude
Zinnia : friendship, remembrance, and goodness

Family and friends often decorate graves around the holidays. You will see a lot of lily arrangements and floral crosses around Easter. On Memorial Day and Veterans Day, small American flags and patriotic flowers are regularly seen on the graves of those who served our country. Grave blankets, which are woven evergreen arrangements that are laid out over a grave space, are popular during the winter holidays.

Grave Blankets Woven Evergreen Arrangements

Sometimes decorations including small flags, wind chimes, and mementos such as miniature statues and figurines are placed on graves. Children’s graves are often decorated with stuffed animals, small toys and bright, colorful flowers.

If you are planning to decorate the final resting place of a spouse, family member or friend, be sure to familiarize yourself with the cemetery rules. Items that are not typically allowed include lights, large banners or flags, glass vases, and fences. In memorial parks, where grave memorials are flush to the ground, artificial flowers may not be permitted during mowing season.

Leave Behind a Coin

When visiting a cemetery, you may have seen coins on graves and wondered what they represented.

As part of military tradition, coins are placed on a soldier’s marker to let family members know their loved one’s grave had been visited. Pennies are placed if you didn’t know the deceased, but want to express appreciation for their service. A nickel signifies you attended boot camp with the person who passed away, while a dime means you served with the deceased. Lastly, a quarter represents you served with the deceased and were with him or her when they died.

Visitors to Benjamin Franklin’s grave have been tossing pennies on his grave for decades. The practice can be attributed to Franklin’s well known quote, “A penny saved is a penny earned.” and is thought to bring good luck to coin-tossers. Through the years this tradition has expanded. Family and friends have begun leaving pennies on their loved one’s graves as a way to pay respects and wish them good luck in their afterlife.

Coins are also sometimes left at graves as an alternative to flowers and other decorations; which can be costly. This practice represents the importance of honoring the dead and is especially popular in certain parts of Latin America.

Have a Picnic

You may choose to have a picnic at your loved one’s grave. It might be nice to have the person you have lost’s favorite drink, dish, or dessert. You could make it a social occasion and take along another family member or friend for company. Another idea is to bring along a book to read to yourself or out loud to your loved one. You could read your loved one’s favorite book or a book you think he or she would have enjoyed.

Many cemeteries have features such as benches, picnic tables and gazebos. Having a place to sit near a loved one’s grave can make the visit more comfortable, especially for older individuals who may not be very mobile.

Clean the Gravesite Area and Marker

Most cemetery grounds are well maintained, regularly mowed and attractively landscaped in common areas. However, you may visit a grave and want to do some basic clean up around the marker. Picking up leaves, pulling any weeds and edging the grass can enhance the appearance of the grave space. For some, taking care of a spouse, family member or friend’s final resting place can be therapeutic.

You may notice your loved one’s marker is dirty or has lost its shine over the years. Most markers can be cleaned with water and a mild detergent such as Ivory or Dove. For best results, use a soft, lint free cloth. Brushes, especially those with coarse bristles, can scratch a marker and shouldn’t be used. A thin layer of wax that doesn’t contain any harsh chemicals can be applied to act as a barrier from the elements. Cleaning a bronze marker can be more intricate than cleaning markers made of other materials and may require additional steps to get the desired results.

Talk with Your Loved One

We all wish we could talk with someone we love who passed away just one more time. Visiting a grave and speaking to your loved one can be a way to help fulfill this yearning. You might take the opportunity to tell your loved one something you didn’t get a chance to before he/she passed away. You can tell them how much you miss them or share what is happening in your life and the lives of others. Talking with your loved one can help reconnect you to the special person in your life you have lost.

Have a Remembrance Ceremony

Some family and friends may choose to have a modified memorial service at a gravesite. These gatherings generally take place around the anniversary of a loved one’s birth or death and can be either formal or informal. Oftentimes, memories are shared, scripture is read or a poem is recited.

Gatherings can even take the form of a celebration. Cheerful music can be played, funny stories can be told or a toast can be made in honor of the person who has passed.

Social Media Post

Creating a social media post and sharing it with family members and friends is another, more modern way to commemorate your loved one. A picture of your loved one’s gravesite along with a special tribute will surely be appreciated by those who knew the deceased. Social media posts are also a great way for those who live far away or aren’t able to physically go to the cemetery to see that special someone’s final resting place.

Cherishing the Moment

At first, visiting a loved one’s grave can be difficult, but over time it can be a joyful time of reflection. It can also play an instrumental part of the grieving process. Dr. Alan Wolfelt, respected grief expert, author, and counselor , explains, “I have learned we cannot go around the pain of our grief. Instead, we must learn to embrace and express it. This is hard but absolutely necessary work.” As you mourn the loss of a loved one, think about the positive impact a visit to the cemetery can have on your emotional well being.

Looking back at my first visit to my father’s grave the saying, “I wish I knew then what I know now.” is certainly appropriate. Shortly after my father passed away, I came to work for the Darby families businesses and my office is located in our cemetery. Throughout the years, I have witnessed families honoring their loved ones in many special ways and now know the possibilities of what you can do when visiting a cemetery are practically limitless.

It’s important to know you don’t have to have a specific plan when visiting a loved one’s final resting place. You can simply spend some quiet time at the grave allowing yourself to be in the present moment letting your thoughts flow freely. No matter how you choose to spend the time during your visit, you will hopefully be able to reconnect with the past in a way that enables your loved one’s memory to stay alive and strong.

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Jill is a member of the Marketing Team and copywriter for Trigard Memorials and all affiliated Greenwood Inc. companies. She grew up in the funeral industry, as her family owned funeral homes in the Midwest. After graduating from Miami University, Ohio in 2003 with a Bachelor’s degree in Business, Jill worked in sales and customer relations for a global funeral product manufacturer. Her experience also includes merchandising, cemetery operations, and aftercare. Jill and her husband, Rich enjoy spending time with family, traveling, watching college basketball, and spoiling their 5 grandchildren.

4 responses to “Graveside Visitation Ideas”

really enjoyed the article!

Thanks Jeff!

It was a pleasure reading

We’re glad you enjoyed it, Atam!

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Why I Visited My Mom's Grave After The March In DC

It was incredibly gray outside in Arlington National Cemetery on Sunday morning. As soon as we saw the cemetery's entrance with the small fountain in front of it and the Arlington House at the top of the hill, all of the memories flooded back: In October 2012, we buried my mother's cremated remains, and I hadn't returned since. But on Saturday, I went back to Washington D.C., for the first time since her funeral, for the Women's March On Washington, where I joined about half a million other women in the march to demand that the incoming administration respect the rights of those who seemed targeted during President Donald Trump's campaign. On Sunday, after the largest post-inauguration march in history, I visited my mother's grave for the first time since she died.

I didn't return to Arlington after my mom's funeral almost five years ago for a number of reasons. When I first graduated from college and started working as a journalist, I was just too poor. But my biggest reason for not returning was because I had no idea what I would say.

My mother was a goddamn force, to put it lightly. She served in the Air Force during Operation Desert Storm, which is when she and my father met, and then when she left the service to take care of me she didn't really ever stop working. She always held odd jobs and she was always involved in our community. A survivor of domestic violence and substance abuse, my mother helped out at a halfway house for young people with drug addictions. After Hurricane Katrina, she left and volunteered for the Red Cross for a week in New Orleans. If she were still alive, she's definitely someone you'd describe as woke-ish.

"Josephine," she would say to me, if we were having a conversation about things we wished would happen or would change in the world, "If you put your sh*ts in one hand and your wishes in the other, which one fills up faster?" It was her way of telling me that if you wanted something, you couldn't just wish for it — you had to go after it immediately, or it wasn't worth much at all.

Since the election, I've struggled with my next steps. As someone who writes about and dedicates myself to social justice issues, I felt like I had failed when Trump was elected. As a sexual assault survivor, I felt ignored. On some nights, after yet another woman had accused Trump of sexual assault ( he has denied all 13 ) and the consensus on Twitter was that she was just doing it "for attention," I would curl up in my bed and cry and wish my mother was there to rub my back in the way she used to. But, even more so, I wish she had been there to tell me to snap out of it.

I have a tattoo down my spine of a sentence from a letter she wrote to me. I chose its placement because I used to tell people she was my backbone — the source of my strength. It says, "The other night when you and I were talking, I looked at you and knew you'd be incredibly strong one day."

My mom was the first person to tell me that emotions are valid — not just my own emotions, but others' too. When I was bullied in high school and attempted suicide, she didn't call me a "wimp" or tell me to "suck it up," or any of the other language that is characteristic of right-wingers right now. Instead, she said, "You will not be treated this way," and filed police reports against the young men and women who were leaving violent voicemails on my phone at night. Instead of saying, "Stop blaming everyone else for your own problems," she said, "We will get through this," and attended therapy sessions with me. When I would leave for school in the morning, she would say, "Go get 'em, Jo."

The energy I felt at the Women's March was what I used to feel when I would watch my mother get up, put on the jeans she'd owned for five years, apply some bronze-colored lip gloss, and hold her head high as she went to her job at the time or a Narcotics Anonymous meeting or to volunteer at a halfway house.

And after attending the Women's March on Washington, where I was surrounded by some women who reminded me of my mother — they were community organizers, they had suffered abuse , they refused to give up — I found that strength again. The energy I felt at the Women's March was what I used to feel when I would watch my mother get up, put on the jeans she'd owned for five years, apply some bronze-colored lip gloss, and hold her head high as she went to her job at the time or a Narcotics Anonymous meeting or to volunteer at a halfway house.

I approached her grave in Arlington's columbarium slowly on Sunday morning, as if I were meeting with a friend I hadn't seen in five years. I felt as though, if she had been there, I could've looked her in the eyes, as an equal force for change. Through tears, to her grave, I said:

Hey. I'm sorry it's taken me so long to visit. I miss you.

I marched for you yesterday, and for myself. I marched for you and for all of the women I know who taught me to listen to those who say they're hurt. I marched for you and all of the women who told me that silence is never an answer.

Thank you for giving me the tools to fight like this. It's been really hard recently. Things happen every day — good and bad — that I wish I could tell you. I think I'm ready to move forward again.

Thank you for teaching me empathy, and to never discount someone else's or my own emotions. Thank you for teaching me to always take the high road and to never be silent simply because someone else would prefer it that way.

Thank you for teaching me the meaning of respect — when it has been earned and to whom to give it and when to understand that I'm not getting it at all.

Thank you for teaching me to love, with everything I have. I love you.

My mom used to lie next to me and hold my hand while I cried. "Take it one day at a time," she told me.

When I visited her, I placed my hand on her grave, because it's the closest I could get to holding her hand again. I told her I loved her again. I wiped my tears, and I left, ready to fight, yet again, in a way that I hope would make her proud.

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Why I Don’t Visit My Mother’s Grave.

I’ve never visited my mother’s grave. Do I feel guilty about it? Yes. A little. Am I going to do something about it? No. I’ll unpack and process my feelings and then reaffirm with myself that I’m making the correct choice, but I’m not hopping on a plane to New York anytime soon to cry over a stone with her name on it.

My brother and I decided to have my mom cremated when she died. The choice was easy and probably the result of attending the funerals of three grandparents. To my eyes as a child, when my grandpa and later my grandma died, their bodies didn’t look right. Something was off, like the person lying in the coffin was a replica, a wax statue, a clone gone wrong. Something was missing–their mouths were pressed into small false smiles to portray a look of peace, but the sparks of life that made those faces into my loved ones were absent. When grownups leaned down to kiss my grandparent in the coffin, it looked like they wanted to press in a real kiss, but their lips barely touched the deceased one’s cheek, like even they sensed this is not really her and couldn’t bring themselves to connect their skin to the cold layer of death covering their parent. Their parent was too deep underneath, or perhaps elsewhere.

As a young adult I felt the same when we buried my last remaining grandparent, my dad’s mom. I took leave from the army in Texas and flew home for an open casket wake at the funeral home, then a full Catholic Mass followed by the burial at the cemetery. The wake was incredibly uncomfortable. That same artificial smell of lots of polyester, large vases of lilies, and whatever funeral homes use to try to cover the sweetened smell of a deceased body permeated the room. The carpets were thick so the staff could move silently and not disturb the bereaved, but the environment only made me feel more like I was in a place that wasn’t real, wasn’t quite right, like when you’re mid-nightmare and you start to catch on that you’re dreaming.

The ceilings were low and people’s voices even lower as they mingled and one by one lined up for their turn to pray on the padded kneeler in front of my grandma’s coffin. Some finished with their sign of the cross and stood up to look closely at her, just one last time.

I remember kneeling, feeling like the experience was the most awkward thing in the world and totally not what my grandma would’ve wanted. I didn’t pray. I breathed and waited for what I hoped was an acceptable amount of time to appear like I was praying. I thought about her–not my grandma lying so straight in the coffin with sprayed stiff white hair and caked on makeup, but my actual grandma, who saved her half pints of milk from the senior center for me and whose hug felt like the blissfully cool side of a soft pillow but with the strength and love of confident but slightly shaking older hands holding me close.

It seemed like looking at her in the coffin made everyone feel worse and cry harder. We gathered in the room and looked at her like she was a dressed up Christmas tree, and it felt almost as cheap and disposable as getting rid of the tree in mid-January when the Christmas spirit is long gone.

My parents took my brother and I to visit our grandparents’ graves frequently as children, especially on the anniversary of their deaths (after attending the Masses said in their honor) plus Christmas and Easter to bring hyacinths or poinsettias. They pulled weeds around the stones, and stood around in silence, usually ending with a long sigh, and something like “Okay. Miss you, Mom” before we left to go back to the car. As a child I walked amongst the other stones, noting the different colors of headstones, finding the ones that had extras like pictures of flowers carved in, reading the long Polish last names, and becoming weirdly invested in cataloging the birth and death dates of my grandparents’ cemetery neighbors. I remember my mom clearing leaves away from her father’s flat, military headstone, wanting to make sure he wasn’t covered.

Did my grandpa care if leaves covered his name? Did my grandmother know if her hyacinth was pink or yellow? Did they only hear the “I miss you” if it was said while standing over their coffin buried below, or could they also hear it back home 45 minutes away? Did they count how many times we visited and quantify our love? Did it make my parents feel any better to drive almost an hour to stare at a stone and sigh?

In elementary school my class took a field trip to our local funeral home. (Looking back I have no idea why we did this, and it moderately horrifies me now that adults considered it educational and useful for children.) Perhaps that field trip is where I picked up the memory and corresponding mental imagery that before the embalming process begins, the internal organs are removed and the body is stuffed with balled up newspaper to fill in the gaps. At my grandma’s funeral I couldn’t stop seeing this in my mind and almost wanted to press down firmly on her belly to see if I heard a crunching sound. This idea made her a shell, a stand-in, a replica badly trying to appear human on the outside by borrowing one of my grandma’s brightly colored suits.

I was 11 when my grandpa died, and for his wake and funeral too much was added on–the shiny, polyester ruffled satin coffin lining resembled the interior of a cheap jewelry box, not the cozy soft bed in which one would hope to spend eternity. His body was more than slightly puffed from embalming fluid, hard and thick makeup caked on top of soft, elderly skin. He was positioned with hands folded, and it looked forced when it was supposed to appear peaceful. My grandpa was a shorter, sturdy, muscular guy–a WWII artillery vet who watched his little television with one white earbud attached so he could hear. He was a blue collar, regular guy–a builder and a carpenter who wore more or less a uniform of dark blue work pants and a fairly wrinkled button down collar shirt every day. He had a big smile for his family and the facial lines that came from a life of hard work but also joy. He smelled like newly sawn wood and the metal of tools in his garage. Seeing him in the coffin with perfectly even face makeup in a slick black suit was jarring and out of place.

And so when my mom died and it was my turn to plan a funeral, I knew immediately I preferred cremation, and I believe my mom wished the same for herself. We didn’t plan a traditional wake, but instead used the large, open entryway of the church before her funeral Mass to bring in tables of coffee and doughnuts for people attending. My brother and I sent probably 400 or more pictures we had on our phones to Walgreens to print, and we taped them to display boards, which we stood up around the main church entryway so people could stroll through and look at our happy and silly memories and see my mom smiling, as they remembered her. It was last minute and certainly not fancy, but it was what we could manage and what felt right at the time.

During the funeral Mass, my mom’s ashes stood on a small table up near the altar in a rosewood box carved with flowers. I agreed to let my brother take it home after, since he was driving. I had no interest in trying to split the ashes and bringing my mother in a box through the TSA security check when I flew back to the west coast. I know they are her ashes, that the ashes are her remains, and while I certainly have a high degree of respect for human remains, they just weren’t her.

My mom’s death was unexpected, and her funeral was fairly rushed. As most funerals are, perhaps, since death can surprise us and life is busy in so many ways. I can’t recall why, but we didn’t bury my mom’s ashes in the cemetery next to her late husband at the same time as the funeral. We had to wait, and then being Western New York, as summer moved to fall and winter the ground froze so solidly that the priest at my mom’s church asked us to wait for the cemetery to thaw enough to have the interment ceremony.

Before it happened, my brother let me know and asked if I planned to fly from Oregon back to New York for the official burial, and I declined. I didn’t need to be there. I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t want my mom in a little box, and I didn’t want to cry over that box being placed in the ground. I didn’t want to see soil cover it.

I didn’t want to see her name with birth and death dates on a headstone. The selection and approval process for her stone was so quick. I did not want to linger over stone colors and carved pictures the way I did while exploring the cemetery as a child in my Easter dress.

I just didn’t see the stone or that plot of dirt in the cemetery as particularly important. I cared about the spelling of her name and correct dates, but beyond that, the burial was merely a traditional formality for me. Yes, there is a place that holds my mom’s remains, but she is not there. She’s not in the dirt back in New York. I don’t have to fly there and stare at the ground to talk to her. She’s with me here, in my heart, and especially in my memories when I close my eyes.

I recently came across a poem from the 1930s generally attributed to Mary Elizabeth Frye and often read at funerals that made me feel more at peace with my decision to not visit my mom’s grave:

Do not stand at my grave and weep. I am not there. I do not sleep. I am a thousand winds that blow. I am the diamond glints on snow. I am the sunlight on ripened grain. I am the gentle autumn rain. When you awaken in the morning’s hush I am the swift uplifting rush Of quiet birds in circled flight. I am the soft stars that shine at night. Do not stand at my grave and cry; I am not there. I did not die. ~Mary Elizabeth Frye

In this earlier post we talked about how important it became while grieving my mom’s passing to remind myself that death is not the end, that it is simply change, that energy cannot be created or destroyed. My mom is not the ashes in the box in the ground. My mom is that moment when my brain recognizes the opening guitar of a Beatles’ song. She is when it’s bright and sunny and yet suddenly starts to rain (which I tell my kids, every single time, that Grammy always called that a ‘sunshower’.) My mom is the smell of anise, butter, and sugar when I bake Polish cookies and sweetened yeast bread for the holidays. She is laughter, silliness, and the best hugs. She is in the moments when I succeed and close my eyes, feeling and knowing that she would be proud of me. She is still my every day, but in the good ways. I will not stare at the ground silently and then deeply sigh. (Okay, I WILL do that sometimes, because I am human after all, and grief is hard. But that is not all that there is. That is not where she is. The sadness and the sigh is my grief. The memory of her love is separate.)

I want to be clear that everyone grieves in their own way. Every person, family, and culture has their traditions and choices they make for the death and burial of their loved ones. Whether you choose an open or closed casket or cremation or anything else for your parent’s death and celebration of life or whatever ceremonies you maintain surrounding their passing, I respect and honor those. Whatever you choose to do, I think the most important part is to remain true to yourself and do whatever feels right to you. It can be so freeing to recognize that we don’t have to do things a certain way simply because that’s how it’s always been done.

If you have lost a parent, I want you to feel good in your heart about how you move forward and choose to acknowledge their passing. This is a hard road, dear grieving friend, and I’m right there with you as you continue navigating it.

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Do you visit graves of family members? What happens when you do?

By Drama Llama , December 1, 2020 in The Chat Board

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Tell me about your grave visiting habits 97 members have voted

1. do you visit the graves of your family members (feel free to answer more than once if you have different answers for different family members).

Yes, I visit at regular intervals 5
Yes, I visit for certain events like a loved one's birthday. 8
Yes, I visit once in a while, but not in a regular pattern 33
No, visiting graves is not my family's tradition 31
No, because none of my family is buried close by, but if they were I probably would 17

2. When you visit a grave, do you leave anything? (feel free to answer more than once)

Live flowers 19
Silk flowers 9
Something else 7
I do not bring anything 28
I do not visit graves 33
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It is my family tradition which I hate....

We visit our daughter’s grave every few years because we have family that is horrified we don’t go regularly. I think of it this way - she’s not there. It’s no comfort as it is a mere shell. And, personally, I’d prefer not to be buried because I don’t want to impose the tradition that I don’t like on others.

In a very contrary way, I did appreciate visiting my grandmother’s grave once. We were in the PNW when she died. I didn’t come back for the funeral. It was cathartic to visit it and think about her a bit, but I have not been back in 5 years since the initial time. I think it provided some sort of closure.

I am eager to read everyone’s thoughts and responses.

HS Mom in NC

No. My version of Christianity emphasizes immediate departure from the body at death, so we have no traditions of visiting burial sites after the day the person is buried. There is also no emphasis on type of remains disposal, so cremation is just as likely with ashes sprinkled or burried in a meaningful place, no necessarily a marked grave. My in-laws are the same version of Christianity, but they visit graves irregularly out of family custom. They typically leave flowers at the grave site.

fairfarmhand

My mother is buried in the same cemetary as my grandparents, so if I go there with my dad to visit mom's grave (which has happened maybe 3 times since she died 10 years ago) we stop by and "see" my grandparents.

My dh's grandparents are there too, so we visit them too.

It's not a regular thing. I don't take flowers or anything.

Basically while I'm there I think about my mom and thank God that I was given 31 years to share with her. And (okayy this sounds weird, but you asked) I send messages to God in heaven to give to my mom. "Tell mama I'm thinking about her today and I still miss her. Tell her how wonderful her grandkids are and how glad I am that she taught me to be a good mom." If the weather is nice, I'll sit on the grass and just enjoy the day.

If she was buried nearby, I'd go every few months. I know my loved ones aren't there, but it is a nice place to sit and think about them and remember them.

We have a cemetary on our property and I go and walk around there sometimes. It's a small family cemetary with some of the graves dating back over 100 years. From the dates, I think there were likely some deaths due to the Great Influenza. We will probably be buried there. I don't want to be embalmed, nor do I want a big tombstone. Something tiny, but more than that I'd love someone to plant a beautiful tree there. I like the idea of my body nourishing a tree that my great grandkids can climb. (My dh says that tree roots don't go 6 feet down, so that's actually just a flight of fancy that I have. :))

I've only lost my mom, but I'm the only one of my family that goes to her grave to visit. My dad and sister do not.

I used to go regularly on special occasions (3 or 4 times a year), but I have not gone as often over the last 2 years. My boys usually come with me and we bring flowers and/or balloons. We always leave rocks on top of her headstone. She is in a military burial ground. My dad will be placed in the same grave when he passes.

ETA: My in-laws will also be at the same burial ground when they pass.

I'm so sorry you are having to even ask these questions.

I visited a great-grandmother's grave for genealogy documentation. It's in her family plot, so her parents, her siblings, some of her nieces and nephews.. I admit, I did start cleaning the markers as they were very overgrown, and slimy with algae/moss.

I grew up making a 90-minute drive on Memorial Day. There would be someone on the side of the road selling flowers.

My Dad’s brother died in college, I think that is the main reason we always did it.

That’s the only grave I have visited.

Edit: my Dad also made a charitable contribution to Boys Town USA in his brother’s memory every year. Edit: we got flower arrangements for other relatives at the same cemetery, but it was mainly something my Dad did for his brother.

YaelAldrich

We visit my sister's grave at her birthday and anniversary of her death. My dad says a few words. I leave a rock in remembrance (a Jewish tradition). May none of us ever have to bury anyone again!

Other - No.

I couldn't vote "no, it's not my family's tradition" because it is very much a part of our extended family's tradition. But it's not something DH or I do. I personally have never felt any inclination whatsoever to visit a deceased relative's grave. It doesn't do a thing for me. It doesn't make me feel closer to the deceased person or make me feel like I'm honoring them. I prefer to make a point of thinking of deceased loved ones during everyday life moments, and I do that often.

Growing up, I visited the cemetery often. My parents grew up in the same small town and moved about 30 miles away when they married. During my early childhood years a number of family members on both my mother's and father's side died and were buried in the same cemetery. Also, a number of friends that had been close to both of my parents' families died. I saw my cousins more frequently at the funeral home and the cemetery than any other place. I often went with my grandmother to put artificial flower arrangements on my grandfather's grave and I had one aunt who routinely placed artificial flower arrangements on all of the family's graves. I moved away as an adult, so I have not gone back to the cemetery often in recent years. DH really didn't understand the stories I told of playing with my cousins at the funeral home until we visited the cemetery last year and I was explaining to my kids--here is great grandfather's grave (died January 1966), here is uncle's grave (died March 1966), here is cousin's grave (died April 1966)... as we went past grave after grave after grave.

No. But I have not lost a child or spouse (only extended family), which might feel very different. However at this stage, I tend toward Homeschool Mom in AZ's answer, in that as a Christian, I know they are experiencing eternal life with the Heavenly Father, and that the grave is where the shell of their spirit is buried. So their memory lives on with me.

Instead, I have a variation on a memory garden, with pots of different colored miniature roses (that can be replaced from Trader Joe's, if I lose one), and each rose is special for a certain person -- several of whom still living, but who are far across the country. I like to think of them and pray for them when I water those plants. The rose for our deceased dear-as-a-brother longtime friend is yellow -- yellow roses are the traditional symbol for friendship. His birthday was in October, and every October his rose puts out yellow friendship blooms, which always feels like a special visit from him. The potted roses by my front door are more meaningful to me than visiting a grave site would be.

However, I will say that several times on trips, DH and I have walked through cemeteries, and that is always peaceful and historically interesting, and also a way of honoring those who came before us. Our walk through the cemetery at Gettysburg was very somber and weighty, remembering that tragic time in our country's history. ETA Also very sad for you and your family, and the circumstances prompting your question. 😢

PrincessMommy

I visit my family member's graves every so often. Most of them are a short drive away. I'd like to make it more of a habit, but its not part of my family's tradition so I didn't grow up doing it. It is very much part of my religious tradition.

I recently found my great grandmother's grave in a completely different cemetary. She died young as a result of a gunshot wound and never saw all her 5 kids grow up. The family were immigrants and had no money so her grave is probably in the cheapest spot and very simple. I felt a very special connection to her.

I usually say a prayer at the grave when I go.

We used to go regularly (just me and DH), but not as much. The cemetery we go to has many family members and friends there, so we kind of make the rounds and visit everyone at once. It makes me very sad because so many died way too soon.

I voted other. It is my family's tradition to visit graves, but not mine. I have never really felt a special connection in a cemetery or felt a need to visit the graves. My dad died last year. He was buried near some of his relatives, so I looked at their graves while I was there. It's not really something that I do, though.

The way we remember some of our relatives is by eating their favorite dessert on their birthday. This week marks the birthday of one of my deceased relatives. We will remember her and I will tell my kids stories about her as we eat root beer floats. We ate ice cream on my dad's birthday. Circus peanuts for my grandpa's birthday.

I grew up with that tradition. We'd visit one set of graves on one holiday & another set on another holiday. My dad would clean up the flat headstones, sometimes lifting them up or doing maintenance on them.

When I am in the area, I like to stop & visit my dad, my uncle, & my brother's graves -- all in the same cemetary. My aunt is in a different cemetary & I haven't gone back to see her grave yet.

I don't bring anything. My mom puts silk flowers in the flower pots by their graves. My brother's daughters bring Reese' s PB cups for his grave & take a picture of themselves there.

I pray for their souls or ask for their intervention to God for my family depending on which one it is.

11 minutes ago, Lori D. said: Instead, I have a variation on a memory garden , with pots of different colored miniature roses (that can be replaced from Trader Joe's, if I lose one), and each rose is special for a certain person -- several of whom still living, but who are far across the country. I like to think of them and pray for them when I water those plants. The rose for our deceased dear-as-a-brother longtime friend is yellow -- yellow roses are the traditional symbol for friendship. His birthday was in October, and every October his rose puts out yellow friendship blooms, which always feels like a special visit from him. The potted roses by my front door are more meaningful to me than visiting a grave site would be.

I have memorials to my grandmother at my home too. I planted her favorite roses (yellow climbers) and trees (pink Dogwoods) and I refer to them as the HerFirstName HerLastName memorial roses/trees. I often gave her yellow roses on her birthday and these bloom then. She grew up in Owensboro, KY and said Dogwood trees were what she missed most about the place. Now I live in NC and Dogwoods do well here. My brother kept her recipe card for her lime jello salad that I marked on as a toddler (she remembered that mark fondly for some reason.) It's framed and mounted on the wall in her honor. It's always served in her memory at each major holiday family gathering. When he and I cleaned out her house before it went on the market we spent a solid hour looking for it, card by card in her recipe boxes. She hadn't used the recipe in many decades because she memorized it by making it so frequently. Did either of us keep the silver? No. Who cares about silver. We wanted to keep that recipe card.

When we were growing up, my dad liked to visit the graves of his parents a couple of times a year. He couldn't always do that as we weren't always in the same country, but when we were, he made a point to take us all with him. At least one of those times he left an artificial flower arrangement (there was a vase beside the headstone - or as part of it). Sometimes my mom wanted to go visit her dad's grave but not often. I've never been big on visiting graves, but I know it seems to bring comfort to others. I do try to attend visitations and funerals, and I try to send a card to the family. For widows, I do try to send a card on their spouses birthday reminding them that others remember them as well. I've also been known to send a card sharing a memory if I see/hear/smell something that reminds me of them. ETA: Answering your question about what happens when you do - For my parents, their parents had been gone for quite a while - so it may be different based on how much time has passed. My dad would sometimes tell stories about his parents. I don't remember my mom ever talking about her dad though. Her mom was still living until well after I left home, so I've accompanied her to her mom's grave - which I assume is right next to her dad's since I'm pretty sure it was a double headstone.

East Coast Sue

I vote “no because I live far away from their grave site, but I’d visit if I lived closer.”

According to my faith in Christ, I don’t really believe there’s a reason to visit BUT when my mom died she was cremated. That’s what she wanted. I’m okay with it but my dad & sister privately scattered her ashes far away from where I live (which was close by where she lived & died) so I quite unexpectedly found myself unable to visit or participate in any closure to her death. I’m still torn up about this and there’s nothing I can do to have that closure so I find myself wishing there was a gravesite I could visit. Like I said, it hit me hard and I never saw it coming. I think visiting a grave site might be an important part of the grief process for some people, like me, but maybe not everyone needs it.

I wish I had grown up with this tradition. It would've helped to already have some sort of tradition when my mom died when I was in my 20s.

I visit graves now and find it helpful with grieving. I visit the graves of my parents and sister in one cemetery and my other sister and her husband in another cemetery.

I did not know my grandparents. I plan to find their graves one day.

I don't visit because I think they're "there". It's a very specific spot to remember, a memorial. Like any sort of public memorial the person or event is always remembered but a memorial gives a specific place.

I leave things that are from nature.

I visit irregularly, leave some flowers or a rock. I know a few people buried in the cemetery so I visit everyone since I’m there (not that they would know otherwise).

Anything that happens to a body after death is intended to help the living come to terms with it. Some people don’t need to visit a grave, some people need to visit as often as possible, some people plant a garden, some people have jewelry made out of ashes, some people sleep with an urn. It’s all very personal and widely varies. Nobody should ever be made to feel guilty for their own way of handling a death.

I visit when I'm in town and can, but I'm rarely in the places where my relatives' graves are so it's not a common thing. But I have nice memories of doing so when I've passed through sometimes. My father's grave is in a cemetery where he was the head of the cemetery board for quite awhile, so it feels like a special place for him. My grandparents' graves are in a town that meant a lot to them in a pretty old cemetery in a pretty spot.

My husband had never visited many of his relatives' graves so one year a long time ago when we were up for Thanksgiving and it was a year after his grandfather had died, he asked if we could visit the grave and possibly some of the others. It was an EXPERIENCE. We visited the grandfather's grave. That was nice and normal. But then the maternal grandparents were in the same cemetery with lots of other ancestors so we wandered over and found them. And then, at the little family plot we and my sil and bil were all musing like, oh, that person had a lovely name, that person was supposed to have been such and such way, etc. etc. And of dh's maternal great-grandmother, we were like, oh, she died quite young, we wonder what was up with that. Wonder wonder. Okay, well, people died young back in the day. Ready to move on. Pause pause as everyone thinks about various other relatives. And then mil says out of nowhere, "Well, she did kill herself you know." NO. NO, MIL, WE DID NOT KNOW THAT. You could have dropped a pin. No one said a word. And then we all left. And in the car, mil and fil and grandma-in-law were all in one car and we were in another with bil and sil and all of us were like, WHAT THE HECK!?!

My family has a tradition of retelling family history whenever we go to the cemetery, finding all the family graves and tracing family connections and telling family stories, and the two main reasons for going to the cemetery has generally been to tend the graves (water flowers, pull weeds, etc) or for a funeral. Since we (immediate family) don't live nearby to the "family cemeteries", we've also gone specifically *to* see the graves and retell family history while we are in the area. As kids, we always really liked going to the cemetery with Grandma, to tend the graves and find the oldest ones we could; it was kind of an family in-thing, to find cemeteries interesting places to be. When Grandma died, after the burial my mom took the grandkids to all the family graves and told the family history, just like Grandma had, and it was really meaningful - felt really appropriate.

It isn't in my family's tradition, although some of the family cemeteries are taken care of by folks who live nearby, because of the historical value.

The Catholic tradition is to visit the graves, which I thought would be weird but once I went to a Catholic cemetery I discovered it wasn't weird at all; it was sort of comforting. If I lived near any family graves (they're all in Virginia and NC, and there are LOTS of them), I might begin visiting. I think I might take flowers.

elegantlion

I visit cemeteries. I usually go 2-3 times a year to cemetery where my dad and many of my ancestors are buried. Part of it is to recall their memory. My mom generally takes live flowers. Part of it is that it's cathartic. It's a rural cemetery in the middle of nowhere, you have to drive 45 minutes out of town to get there and the setting is just beautiful, rolling hillside with farms and more recently, wind farms in the background. My boyfriends puts rocks on the grave when we visit. I can literally go back about 5-6 generations in that one cemetery, and back about 3 more in a cemetery just down the road - which I visit about once a year. It's a place of peace for me and my mom. My mom doesn't feel sad when she visits, it's more of that peace.

I have fond memories of taking flowers to nearby cemeteries where relatives were buried on memorial day when I was small. We don't live particularly close to any cemeteries with family burials so don't go on memorial day but dh likes to drive down to the cemetery where his mother is buried on mother's day and/or her birthday so we do that and usually take cut flowers. There are other relatives in that cemetery so we will walk around and look at the headstones and tell the kids about them. Otherwise we have mostly been at cemeteries when there was a family burial, and we usually do take time to walk around and look at any relatives' graves in the same cemetery. My maternal grandparents are buried in a lovely little cemetery up on a hill on a tiny town in the countryside and I love to walk around there and find various ancestral grave markers.

For traditional Chinese people, we have a Qing Ming festival which is like clean up ancestral graves day.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Qingming_Festival

We typically bring flowers, fruits and food. The flowers are left behind when we leave.

2 hours ago, happi duck said: I wish I had grown up with this tradition. It would've helped to already have some sort of tradition when my mom died when I was in my 20s. I visit graves now and find it helpful with grieving. I visit the graves of my parents and sister in one cemetery and my other sister and her husband in another cemetery. I did not know my grandparents. I plan to find their graves one day. I don't visit because I think they're "there". It's a very specific spot to remember, a memorial. Like any sort of public memorial the person or event is always remembered but a memorial gives a specific place. I leave things that are from nature.

Theres's a website called Find A Grave that can help you with this depending on whether they have your relative's grave cataloged.

No. The only person I have to visit is my father - no interest in visiting the graves of my deceased grandparents and we've never been close to any of the rest of the extended family - and he's not there. I mean, yes, what remains of his body is there, one presumes, but he's gone. He didn't believe in an afterlife, I don't believe in one, so I can mourn him as easily here as anywhere else.

If I need some sort of visual or physical aid, a picture or an old possession would work better for me. If I want to show I remember him, a donation to a charity he'd approve of would work better for me. The deceased can't use flowers or anything else.

I love cemeteries; always have. My grandma lives by our small town's only cemetery and so my cousins and I spent many summer holidays walking and playing there. I find cemeteries very peaceful and beautiful. I like how the stones feel warm in the sun and everything is orderly and quiet. I like looking at the old stones shaped like trees or carved with sheep and the new ones that many families make so personal, with photos and mementos.

I don't go regularly or on special days, just when I have a chance and feel like going. I do try to find my grandparents' graves when I'm there, and, if I have time, the graves of other people I know. I don't leave anything, but I do say, "Hi, Grandma, I miss you" or words to that effect. I believe that we are surrounded by a "great cloud of witnesses" and that it's possible she can hear me.

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Sorry, it occurs to me that this sounded a bit brusque. I understand that you are grieving right now. If you feel better visiting, or think you might, then you should certainly do that.

Lady Florida.

I lost both of my parents and the three grandparents who I knew (the other died before I was born).

My father died when I was 14. We had already moved to Florida and my mother remarried. My dad still lived in NJ and was buried there. Unless someone took me not only up to Jersey but also to the cemetery, I couldn't visit his grave. I think if we still lived nearby I would have visited regularly but since we didn't, I came up with my own ways of remembering and honoring him. When my grandfather and later grandmother died (they had moved close to us in FL) I was an adult but by that time not in the habit of visiting a grave. My mother used to go regularly and always reminded me to go, but it just wasn't my way of remembering them. My mom died in 2008 and I know she would have wanted me to visit her grave regularly. Try as I might, it isn't something that I think of doing. Again, there are more ways to remember her than staring at a stone on the ground with her name engraved on it. I do try to go seasonally and change the flowers - always silk.

When I go to my mom's grave I also bring flowers for my grandparents' graves (her parents). She's buried near them. I feel nothing when I visit a grave, and since I don't believe in an afterlife I don't expect to anyway.

When I die, I want to be cremated. I don't expect anyone to "visit" me or to keep my ashes on a shelf. I want to be remembered in their everyday life, the way I remember my loved ones who've died.

I go to my daughter’s grave and leave flowers, sometimes live, sometimes fake. I nearly always go on her birthday, and I like to leave pink roses, though I have left other types of flowers. I remember one time, I went to the floral department in a grocery store and asked for pink roses and baby’s breath and, as it was May, the chipper sales clerk said, “Are these for prom?” And I said, “No. They are for my daughter’s grave.” I knew I was being a jerk, to shut him up like that. I couldn’t help it, though; the contrast between what I was actually doing and what he imagined I was doing was so sharp.

Hers is the only grave I ever visit, though.

2 hours ago, Dreamergal said: We chose to cremate and bury some of her here and take the rest of her to bury with my grandparents because I could not abide the idea of my baby girl lying alone without her family.

I have a very strong sense of connection to the place I grew up. We don't live there now. At some point when our kids are grown, we might choose to be buried where we live if they think they are going to be established here, but otherwise, I want to be buried with my ancestors. I am a Christian, so the only reason is that sense of place and a sense that my family has lived there a very, very long time. Cemeteries where I am from tend to be beautiful, and people tend to go there for relaxation, exercise, and to remember.

I also love the continuity of the various cemeteries--they have been in use for a long time, and it's interesting to see old family plots mounded up with cart paths in between where horse-drawn carts would bring a casket for burial.

It makes the past more alive to me, and it makes me feel connected to a sense of universal human history and experience to see and experience those details.

A lot of people who grew up where I did and left ask to be buried in the area, so I think I am not the only one that feels that sense of place.

3 hours ago, forty-two said: My family has a tradition of retelling family history whenever we go to the cemetery, finding all the family graves and tracing family connections and telling family stories, and the two main reasons for going to the cemetery has generally been to tend the graves (water flowers, pull weeds, etc) or for a funeral. Since we (immediate family) don't live nearby to the "family cemeteries", we've also gone specifically *to* see the graves and retell family history while we are in the area. As kids, we always really liked going to the cemetery with Grandma, to tend the graves and find the oldest ones we could; it was kind of an family in-thing, to find cemeteries interesting places to be. When Grandma died, after the burial my mom took the grandkids to all the family graves and told the family history, just like Grandma had, and it was really meaningful - felt really appropriate.

I grew up with kind of random interval visits to specific cemeteries (but walked in one local cemetery nearly daily), but when we would get to go, there were always stories. In fact, some family history I remember better because I can picture where I was, what the weather was like, what we were doing, and who we bumped into while there (often a distant relative!).

Quote We chose to cremate and bury some of her here and take the rest of her to bury wit h my grandparents because I could not abide the idea of my baby girl lying alone without her family.

I understand this and made a similar decision about where my baby girl’s grave is, because I wanted her near family. In retrospect, that is not my favorite cemetery and I don’t like some of their rules, but it met a need for me at the time.

We no longer live near our families graves, but when we did we regularly visited my husband's grandparents' graves and sometimes visited my grandparents' graves. We leave rocks, as Yael mentioned is the Jewish tradition.

All of these people are buried in enormous, ethnic-specific cemeteries outside NYC so the other part of the tradition is getting lost and arguing about where the graves are. "They're behind the Rosensteins! I remember from last time!" "No, it's the RosenZWEIGs, not the RosenSTEINS! Turn left at the Cohens and then they're behind the Rosenzweigs." "Are you sure? That doesn't seem right ..."

1 hour ago, Quill said: I understand this and made a similar decision about where my baby girl’s grave is, because I wanted her near family. In retrospect, that is not my favorite cemetery and I don’t like some of their rules, but it met a need for me at the time.

Yeah burying my child with family somehow seemed really important both to him (he picked) and to me.

He is buried with his great grandmother. Her husband visits every week. So whatever I decide he won’t be neglected. Not that I believe he’s actually there but it is still somehow comforting.

3 hours ago, MercyA said: I love cemeteries; always have. My grandma lives by our small town's only cemetery and so my cousins and I spent many summer holidays walking and playing there. I find cemeteries very peaceful and beautiful. I like how the stones feel warm in the sun and everything is orderly and quiet. I like looking at the old stones shaped like trees or carved with sheep and the new ones that many families make so personal, with photos and mementos. I don't go regularly or on special days, just when I have a chance and feel like going. I do try to find my grandparents' graves when I'm there, and, if I have time, the graves of other people I know. I don't leave anything, but I do say, "Hi, Grandma, I miss you" or words to that effect. I believe that we are surrounded by a "great cloud of witnesses" and that it's possible she can hear me. , BaseballandHockey.

I love cemeteries too! I don't like as much the large commercial ones with identical flat to the ground headstones, but I really like the ones with upright tombstones, monuments, and statues. Especially love tiny family cemeteries with very old graves. I find them fascinating.

34 minutes ago, BaseballandHockey said: Yeah burying my child with family somehow seemed really important both to him (he picked) and to me. He is buried with his great grandmother. Her husband visits every week. So whatever I decide he won’t be neglected. Not that I believe he’s actually there but it is still somehow comforting.

I am so sorry you have this hurt.

I feel like our lives are so small...and somehow, giving someone I loved a tiny forever bit of ground with their name just marks the fact that they did indeed live and touch the lives of others.

14 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said: I love cemeteries too! I don't like as much the large commercial ones with identical flat to the ground headstones, but I really like the ones with upright tombstones, monuments, and statues. Especially love tiny family cemeteries with very old graves. I find them fascinating.

My church growing up had a columbarium that was right next to the playground. Sometimes after Sunday school we'd play follow the leader on the walls that held the niches. Several kids in my youth group had their first kisses there. My Dad is interred in a similar set up at a different church, and I like to think of the children playing near him.

In other circumstances, that's what I'd want.

dirty ethel rackham

I didn't grow up with the tradition of visiting graves regularly, but very few of my parents relatives were buried close by. But, a few times, when we visited our great-grandparents out of state, we visited a cemetery and looked for the graves of family members. It was kind of a family history lesson.

My husband's grandparents were immigrants from Slovenia and they attended a Slovenian Catholic church and are buried in that church's cemetery in a big family plot. My husband's grandfather contracted tuberculosis when he had 2 small children and had to enter the sanitarium. While he was there, he said the rosary several times a day and prayed for healing. After 2 years, he was healed and went back to his family. In thanksgiving, he helped build a grotto honoring Mary, who he credited for intercession on his behalf. So, it was a family tradition to maintain this grotto, planting flowers every spring. While they were there, they visited the graves of all the family members buried there.

My husband's mom died when he was in college. His family continued the tradition of visiting her grave for Mothers' Day and her birthday. So, when we got married, he continued that, bringing the kids. After my dad died, we made yearly visits to his grave on Fathers' Day. My mother is buried there, so we visited there after she died. For us, it was for honoring their memory. Sometimes, I pass by the cemetery where my parents are buried and I stop in to have a "chat." I know that my parents aren't "there", but it is a place of memory. Sometimes, it seemed like that was the only place where I could grieve. I was expected to be normal in all the other spaces of my life, but it was OK to be sad when I was at their graves.

We don't go as often, but we still try to visit our parents' graves once a year, partially to clean the marker. If we attend a funeral at a cemetery where a loved one is buried, we visit their grave then.

Visiting the grave of deceased relatives is an inconsistent part of my family tradition. My grandmother used to visit her parents graves and make sure there were wreaths placed every year at Christmas (maybe also other times of the year? I am not certain). After my grandparents died, my uncle kept up the tradition. Other branches of my family do not visit the graves of relatives.

My half-siblings mother died several years ago, but they live far away from where she is buried, and it is a source of guilt for at least one of them. One half-sibling has said that she wants to be cremated, because she doesn't want her children to feel guilt about not visiting her grave. Like, she doesn't really want to visit her mother's grave, but feels like she should visit, so any time she's in that part of the country, she feels a duty to go, which sort of colors the entire trip in a sad way.

If I lived closer to where my relatives are buried, I'd probably visit once a year. I don't think there is any right or wrong answer for this. If it brings someone comfort to visit, then they should do so. ❤️

No, I do not visit graves. We have people buried all over the place, so no real family grave area. My mother is buried in Iowa. We know NO ONE there.....I will visit her grave when my dad dies and that will be the last time I go there. I told them that when they told me they were gifted plots there. I think it is ridiculous to be buried there, but it is their choice.

My mom's family is a little more gathered in one place, so when someone in the family dies, we do see graves of some of our relatives, but I don't linger there or talk to headstones or anything.

We don't visit DH's dad's grave when we go visit.

Ironically, I enjoy walking through cemeteries though.

The only ones I visit are my parents. It is about half-way between me and my sister. I go because my sister is meeting me and we'll get lunch/see each other. I don't find anything cathartic about going. My sister's brings a new flag each time. This happens maybe twice a year.

DHs family does, and I make arrangements for the graves every year- his Dad and both grandparents. I make pretty custom arrangements from silk and they stay out all year long. We also occasionally stop by where his Dad is buried to just walk and think, not as much now, but more when he first passed.

Growing up we never visited a grave- ever. My moms Dad and brother both died when she was young, but we never visited their graves. My grandma always kept the poem out. We do not leave her 💐 .

Bring Me Flowers

Bring me flowers when I am living Don't bring me them when I am dead, Let me enjoy them in the giving My mother always had said. Let me hold them in my hands And smell their fragrant scent, Then I will reminisce of different lands Before; I am heaven sent. I will reflect back when I was young Or, I might think back not long ago, When I walked underneath the sun Or, when I felt the wind as it blowed. Bring me flowers when I am here Please don't wait until I am gone, So, I might reflect to a different year And my memories will last on. I might reflect to a different time With every breadth and scent I breath, And knowing the flowers are mine Shows how much that you love me. Let me enjoy the flowers again Let me feel them on my fingers, Because I just don't know when; And how long my memory will linger. Bring me flowers with a smile Please don't bring them with any sorrow, And I will hold them just like a child As I held you, and held on until tomorrow. I want to see them once again As I place them on my table, And then they will be my friend And I will greet them while I am able. They will be a part of me My mother always had said So, bring them now to me please And don't wait until I am dead. Randy L. McClave

17 hours ago, Arcadia said: For traditional Chinese people, we have a Qing Ming festival which is like clean up ancestral graves day. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Qingming_Festival We typically bring flowers, fruits and food. The flowers are left behind when we leave.

What happens to the food? My youngest hasn't wanted to visit in person, but every time he hears someone is going to visit his brother he wants to bake a treat and send it along. I think it's sweet, and I know that many cultures bring food to graves, but I'm still trying to figure out how it looks in person. Do I leave a brownie in the grass? Will that attract insects? Do we eat it and imagine he's eating the same thing with us in Heaven? The grave is shared, and my GFIL makes sure that there are always flowers live or silk for his wife, so I wouldn't want to leave food on the headstone, since that would encourage squirrels who might disturb the flowers.

I want to preface this by saying I don't believe dead people are conscious and so therefore I am not there to talk to them or anything. But I am from the south and in general cemeteries are kept up by families or volunteers. I know that is probably changing a lot now because of the way everyone is migrating away from their FOO and so many people are being cremated now. I have always loved cemeteries. I often visited the grave of my high school friend who was murdered. He is buried waaaaay out in the country and it is a very secluded small cemetery. Very peaceful. He died 35 years ago though. I have been maybe once in 10 years.

My first FIL is buried in a small town lovely cemetery in the country. He died when XH and I were 22 and 23 and every single year prior to Decoration Day we would go down and mow and trim and plant extra flowers. Then MIL would buy an expensive flower arrangement to lay on his grave for Decoration Day. The first few years we would go and attend Decoration Day which back then was a covered dish and lots of visiting etc. XH still goes to clean it up once a year before Decoration Day, but I don't think he attends. Neither does MIL because she is 90 and lives 4 hours a way. She buys flowers still and has a friend place them on the grave. She has buried another husband since and I am not sure what she does for his grave if anything.

I do wonder what XH will do once his mom dies. I imagine he will still see to it being cleaned up every year but I don't know that he will have flowers put on the grave.

My mom and step dad want to be cremated because they don't want anyone to have to do that. At first it upset me, because I like the tradition of going to a cemetery. But I have made peace with it. Things are just changing.

1 hour ago, BaseballandHockey said: What happens to the food? My youngest hasn't wanted to visit in person, but every time he hears someone is going to visit his brother he wants to bake a treat and send it along. I think it's sweet, and I know that many cultures bring food to graves, but I'm still trying to figure out how it looks in person.

There are “ceremonial” food for the departed. Those get taken home and discarded. Then there is food for the people visiting, kind of family gathering pot luck style. Those get eaten and leftovers get taken home by anyone who wants them. If your youngest want to bake a treat to send, in my culture it would be offered to the departed and then one of the adults would eat when leaving the cemetery. My ancestors are Taoist and believe in spirits.

Dh lost both his parents within the last few years and they’re buried in a beautiful veteran’s cemetery. Dh likes to visit, bring flowers, and ‘chat’ w his folks a bit. As time passes he’s visiting less often and we’re down to just birthdays now. But it helped him grieve especially when his sister was being particularly awful (for instance, when the docs needed them to make a decision about end of life his sister walked out and refused to participate, telling him to make the decisions, but later said their dad would still be alive if Dh hadn’t given up on him). We bring live flowers because that’s all that’s allowed. And it comforts Dh that I buy yellow flowers because his mom loved yellow, and I find red, white, and blue bouquets for his dad, who was so proud that he was a Korea and Vietnam vet. I’m guessing that when life returns to normal and some more time passes that we might end up going once a year.

1 hour ago, Arcadia said: There are “ceremonial” food for the departed. Those get taken home and discarded. Then there is food for the people visiting, kind of family gathering pot luck style. Those get eaten and leftovers get taken home by anyone who wants them. If your youngest want to bake a treat to send, in my culture it would be offered to the departed and then one of the adults would eat when leaving the cemetery. My ancestors are Taoist and believe in spirits.

Can you clarify what this looks like? I'm sorry if I'm being nosy.

12 minutes ago, BaseballandHockey said: Can you clarify what this looks like? I'm sorry if I'm being nosy.

image.jpeg.78001ba7cdede55ab34fc91d74a92a02.jpeg

https://www.asiaone.com/malaysia/picnic-departed-loved-ones-they-observe-qing-ming

I’ll delete quoted photo later just in case of copyright issues

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Gravesite Visitation Ideas And How To Enjoy The Visit

These tips and videos may help prepare you to visit a family cemetery memorial.

Have a picnic.

Consider leaving flowers and praying at the gravesite.

Smiling and remembering the good times shared is emotionally rewarding.

Good Ways To Prepare For A Visit To A Family Memorial

Taking the time to visit the gravesite of a parent , spouse, family member or friend is a great opportunity to remind yourself or others that the memory of the deceased is still cherished.

What do you do when you visit the grave of someone special to you?

Why do you visit a loved one's burial plot in a cemetery?

How often, or when should you visit a relative's memorial, headstone, cremation niche or mausoleum?

Everybody treats a visit to the grave of a loved one differently.

Everybody experiences different emotions, thoughts and feelings.

Some family members even wonder why they should visit their relative's gravesite .

A visit to a cemetery or memorial park can be a time of healing, reflection, catharsis, sharing memories, saying prayers, saying goodbye, or simply a ritual of remembrance.

It can be a sad time, a reflective time, a sorrowful time, a painful time, a loving time, even a joyous time.

Whatever it is for you, make it a worthwhile time.

Visiting a cemetery is also an opportunity to relect on your life .

What To Do When Visiting A Grave Site: Cemetery Visitation Ideas

Here are some suggestions about what you can do when visiting a family gravesite.

Lay a bouquet of flowers on the headstone.
Place a picture of the deceased on the monument.
Decorate the grave site .
Click here for pictures of cemetery grave decoration ideas .
Plant a flag next to the headstone--especially on Memorial Day or Veterans Day.
Kneel and pray.
Put pebbles on the grave.
Decorate the tombstone with memorabilia or art.
Meditate and let healing happen.
Speak lovingly to the deceased.
Click here to purchase cemetery decorations on Etsy .

If you came with family, there are many memories you can share together.

Remember the good times, the laughter, the love, the challenges you faced together.
Share meaningful quotes, recite from the Scriptures.
Have fun, joke around.
Plan for the future, reflect on the past.
Discuss each other’s state of health and reflect on your own mortality.

Did you bring a snack or a picnic lunch?

Sit at a nearby bench memorial and enjoy.
Take in the beauty of nature that surrounds you—the trees, the birdsongs, even the landscape of granite memorials in all their different shapes, sizes, and colors.
For information on etiquette for a cemetery visit, click here .

Stroll Around The Cemetery Grounds

After reflecting on your loved one’s memorial, take a stroll around the cemetery grounds and see how other people are memorialized. You may come upon the graves of families you know! Personalized epitaphs, inscriptions, etchings and engravings make every memorial unique and special.

Clean The Monument

Before you leave, check on the condition of your loved one’s granite headstone. It takes thousands of years for a quality granite monument to show any signs of deterioration. However, it can quickly become soiled or stained, gather moss or mildew, collect animal droppings or leaves and twigs. Come prepared to the clean the monument and beautify the plot. Cemeteries cut the grass and trim the area around the gravestone and plot, but it is up to you to keep the monument looking beautiful. Whisk off the dirt, sticks, and grass. Bring some soap and water and a rag and clean the monument.

When To Visit

Visit the gravesite anytime you are compelled to do so. Of course there are the special times when people are more likely to go to a cemetery. These days are:

Memorial Day
Christmas Day
Your wedding anniversary
The anniversary of the death
Veterans Day
Easter Sunday
Thanksgiving
Fourth of July
The day of a special event you shared together
Mothers Day
Fathers Day
Valentine’s Day

There are so many reasons to visit the gravesite of a loved one, so many things you can do while you are there, and so many ways to help you reconnect with one you’ve lost. Experience this special place, this heartfelt moment, and this very personal memorial each year, every year. This way, you will keep the wonderful memories of one you shared your life with…alive!

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Loss of a Parent (Mother or Father)
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Nervous to visit my mother's grave?

By Sweetheart346 July 28, 2017 in Loss of a Parent (Mother or Father)

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Dear Sweetheart346,

If you can maybe go with a trusted friend or another family member. Please don't worry about crying that is completely normal. After my dad passed away, I would visit him 2 or three times a week. And even now I sometimes like to go once a week or twice a month sometimes more. The first few months, I cried every time I got back to the car. I would sit there and just cry for a bit. And then once I composed myself a little, I would start the car and go home. I like to bring my dad flowers every time I go or a cup of his favorite coffee.

Before my dad's memorial was put up, the funeral home I had put a small marker into the ground.

We all grieve differently, so don't feel or think there is only one right way to visit someone's grave.

Thinking of you.

Phillip1985

Dear Sweetheart246,

Reader is right, there is no wrong or right way to visit your mom's grave site.

I visit my mom's grave site at least twice a week. Just like your mom's site, my mom's marker hasn't arrived yet. So we planted some flowers in her grave site. I water those flowers every time I visit. We also installed a couple of those solar powered crosses. I actually visited her site after dark once, just to see those crosses lit up. They look absolutely wonderful after dark. Also bought a Jacob's hook, planted it into the ground and hung a flower pot on the hook. We also put in one of those plastic bird whose wings rotate as a gust of wind hits them.

I talk to my mom every time I visit. I use the same tone of voice I used when she was still alive. I tell her about my day. Occasionally mid-sentence the wind will hit the bird wings and they'll rotate fast and make a humming sound. I take that as a sign that my mom is agreeing with what I'm telling her. So I'll say, "you think so too huh mom". Sometimes I'll say something and those wings won't move a millimeter. So I'll say, "why not mom?"

And always before I leave, I say, "see you later mom, enjoy the rest of your day." And I won't leave until I see those wings move. One time I had to wait more than 10 minutes before the wings moved. Prior to that, I said, "C'mon mom I gotta go, please say goodnight. I promise I'll be back Sunday". That happened on a Thursday.

I haven't done it yet, but I promised my mom to bring her, her favorite soup. Grounds keeper told me that they mow the grass every week. I told them that if they see a tiny bowl of soup on my mom's site, just toss it away. I told them I'll remember their kind gesture by sending them occasional gifts. I plan to send the ground keepers a gift card every three months or so.

Some people may think that I've gone nuts, but I know I'm perfectly sane. Just my way of creating more memories with my mom.

Thank you for reading.

Dear Philip1985,

I talk to my mom every day. I too tell her things about my day. If you've gone mad, then we all have! I think we all go insane with grief. Its beyond anything accepting that your mother is gone. My mind fluctuates between so many emotions, sadness, guilt, loneliness, anger, feeling stuck and unable to enjoy anything. I ask my mom to help me all the time and then I feel awful that I am pulling on her when now she is finally free and having a different existence.

To sweetheart246, there is no right or wrong thing to do. Some feel better visiting the grave, others don't. Don't put pressure on yourself. Go when you are ready. Don't if you're not. I light a candle for my mom every day since she died. Its next to a picture of her and I talk to her then. Its my way of honouring her.

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Visiting my mother's grave.

'It is a space carved out just for us; mother and daughter; a relationship that moved from the physical to the spiritual two years ago and yet one I still cherish and find incredibly cathartic.'

BY Lauren Libbert

The sun breaks through the clouds right on cue as I push through the cemetery gate.

I feel its warmth on the back of my head as if it’s the light touch of my mother’s palm, welcoming me in, reminding me how much she loved the sun and making me wonder if she basks in it still.

As I stand before her stone and recite the beautiful psalms, the trap door of pent-up emotion releases and the tears begin to fall. For me, there is no place quite like it.

Here, by her grave, away from the noise and demands of the outside world, I can think of her, talk to her and ask her for guidance, no Whatsapp messages bleeping, no sons pleading for a glass of milk or to come and play football.

At that moment, it is a space carved out just for us; mother and daughter; a relationship that moved from the physical to the spiritual two years ago and yet one I still cherish and find incredibly cathartic.

Sometimes I kneel and caress the corner of the stone, feeling the smoothness of the marble beneath my fingertips and imagine it is her face I am stroking, her eyes on mine, smouldering with parental love. I sigh with longing. I might even sob. When I leave, I wash my hands – as is the custom – feeling drained of emotion but lighter and happier.

I know my mother is not there really and her soul (I like to believe) is nestling amongst the angels, but visiting her Matsevah – her stone – provides me with a deep sense of comfort and connection.

It is odd when I think about it. A cemetery is full of dead people, always depicted in films and books as grey and damp and littered with ghouls. A tombstone too is cold and concrete while my mother was warm and vibrant, fizzing with energy and spirit.

But it’s the weightiness and solidity of the stone I like. Here was a life of substance, it says; a spiritual and physical one.

As Jews, the emphasis is always on the Neshama , our inner soul, rather than our outer casing of flesh and bones, but according to Rabbi Baruch Levin of London’s Brondesbury Park synagogue, while we may connect with the souls of our loved ones anywhere and everywhere, the place of burial is extremely important.

‘When a person passes on their physical footprint is no longer present in the universe so we want to add a measure of permanence to their existence,’ he explains. ‘While the soul is no longer tied to that space, the grave is spiritually significant as this is where their remains have been deposited.’

A grave also contains the all-important luz bone – a miniscule indestructible bone in the upper spine – which, according to Jewish belief, will trigger the reconstruction of the entire body when the Moshiach comes and the dead are resurrected.

Until that time, however, it is simply a place for those of us left behind to remember and reflect, especially around this auspicious period of Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, when many traditionally visit and are thinking about their fate for the year ahead and may even want a loved one to intercede on their behalf, being closer to Him , so to speak.

‘Sure, you can ask them to pray on your behalf and you can only hope they’re a good asker,’ says Rabbi Levin.

But the Rabbi has a hefty caveat when it comes to visiting a grave too often: ‘Judaism wants us to deal with the grief and then live life. I remember going to a cemetery and seeing an elderly man who had set up a bench opposite his wife’s grave and I was told he visited her every day except Shabbat. I looked at this man and it was such a terrible, sad sight to behold and so devoid of life. This is not what Judaism wants. Visiting periodically, maybe a couple of times of year before the big Yom Tovs is fine, but we are all about living life.’

I get this. When the iron gate of the cemetery shuts behind me, I feel an urgency to engage with the world; to fold my arms around my sons, switch on my phone and head back into the whirlwind of play dates, deadlines and nights out.

We live with our loss, but the point is we live .

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A ritual of remembrance

We come to the graveyard so my son can see he is a link in a chain that stretches generations back, Fiona Tinwei Lam writes

Celia Krampien/the Globe and Mail

This article was published more than 6 years ago. Some information may no longer be current.

Facts & Arguments is a daily personal piece submitted by readers. Have a story to tell? See our guidelines at tgam.ca/essayguide .

Every Father's Day and Christmas after my father died, our family would go to the cemetery to visit his grave. My father had passed away from cancer the day before his 42nd birthday when I was 11 years old.

Each time, my mother would trim and arrange the flowers while my siblings and I would clear away the stems and cellophane. We would then bow three times before my father's plaque.

During the ritual, I would feel the same way that I did when he died – blank and numb. At the funeral, I wasn't able make myself cry, even though I knew people expected me to. I just couldn't feel anything at all.

For years afterward, I'd feel the same way – hollowed out. In contrast, my mother's grief remained raw and intense, never diminishing as the years passed.

I puzzled over it, as my parents had had so many stormy arguments during my childhood. It was only when I became an adult that I realized love and discord can often co-exist.

Over time, that strange cold blankness inside me melted away as I started to understand the emotional, cultural and social barriers that prevented my father and I from truly knowing each other.

I started to piece together things that I had overlooked or taken for granted, the gestures and the few words or glances that cumulatively indicated that we were dear to him. When my mother's cognition started to decline with dementia, my siblings and I took the initiative for our family cemetery visits and we brought mom along on key holidays.

My mother passed away when my son was only 5. She was his only surviving grandparent just as he was her only grandchild. Because his generation and my parents' generation barely intersected, it has seemed even more important to affirm the connection – to tell as many stories to my son as I can about his forebears.

I want my child, my parents' only grandchild, to know about his origins, to know that he is a link in a chain that stretches generations back.

I hope to provide him with a context for understanding his place in the present world where his life is connected to others before him and those that may come after him.

The ritual of visiting his "poh poh" and "gung gung" at the cemetery can play a significant part in creating that connection.

In April, we join other families making their own connections. When we drive through the gates of the cemetery in Burnaby, B.C., where my parents are buried, we'll spot in the distance the colourful flowers adorning the Chinese-Canadian graves for Ching Ming, a traditional Chinese festival to celebrate and honour one's ancestors. Besides flowers, many of the grave plaques are bordered by incense sticks and the charred remains of paper money.

Sometimes, there are oranges or tiny cups of Chinese wine as offerings to the dead. For Father's Day and Mother's Day, there are always bouquets in that section of the cemetery, whether ornate or humble, and at Christmastime, there are wreaths and poinsettias.

Our visits tend to be short, maybe 10 or 15 minutes at the most, but they always feel meaningful.

They are not only a duty and responsibility, but also a ritual of remembrance and care. It might seem odd to some people that we come to the cemetery at all.

One person told me he thought it was bizarre, morbid, gloomy or even frightening, especially during the happy time of Christmas. But I've never felt that way.

One time, when my son was a preschooler, he scampered off to pick dandelions while I unwrapped the bouquets we'd brought for the occasion. We'd selected yellow and white chrysanthemums, traditional flowers to give to the dead.

After arranging the flowers, I called my son over. After he contributed a few dandelions to each vase, he bowed with our family three times at each of my parents' graves, just as I had done as a kid.

Visiting the cemetery was normal for him, an integral part of the pattern of our lives and the seasons.

My son then took one of the bottles of water we'd brought and watered a few of the potted plants and bouquets at other graves. He even watered a patch of dandelions.

I'll always remember that moment of generosity that extended past our family circle. It was as if he wanted to honour all the lives buried there, plus take care of all the flowers and plants, whether they came from a florist's shop or grew as weeds.

Will I expect my son to visit the cemetery when he grows up? Or my grave after I am dead? Perhaps I will just have my ashes buried under a tree somewhere. In the end, it will be his choice, as I have no expectations either way.

He will develop his own rituals of remembrance and connection. In the meantime, we'll be heading over to my parents' graves soon, just the way my mother taught me, with a bouquet of chrysanthemums and many, many memories.

Fiona Tinwei Lam lives in Vancouver.

Coping With The Loss Of A Friend

31 Short Quotes About Visiting a Loved One's Grave

Updated 08/28/2023

Published 10/12/2022

Amy Wolkenhauer, BA in English/Creative Writing

Contributing writer

Read or share these quotes about visiting a grave with quotes about visiting the grave of a parent, grandparent, sibling, child, spouse or partner, and friend.

Cake values integrity and transparency. We follow a strict editorial process to provide you with the best content possible. We also may earn commission from purchases made through affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate, we earn from qualifying purchases. Learn more in our affiliate disclosure .

There is no right or wrong way to cope with the death of a loved one. What works for you may not work for another. Still, one way that might help is to find meaningful quotes you can take to the cemetery or read after you’ve visited their grave.

Jump ahead to these sections:

Quotes about visiting a parent's grave, quotes about visiting a grandparent's grave, quotes about visiting a sibling's grave, quotes about visiting a child's grave, quotes about visiting a partner or spouse's grave, quotes about visiting a friend's grave.

Below, you’ll find several quotes to accompany the various stages of your grief process. It’s normal to think that some of the quotes may feel “too soon” or “too sad,” but each person has their journey to make. Everyone arrives at a different stage in the order and time that works for them.

You may find the quotes below helpful if you’re journeying to visit your parents on their death anniversary .

1. "I hate this place. I shall hate it to my [own] grave." by Wallis Simpson

Post this quote to your social media page if you find the prospect of visiting your parent's grave to be heartbreaking.

The quote might be appealing in other cases, especially if you’re filled with resentment about a quick, sudden death.

2. "Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them." by Henry David Thoreau

Thoreau's quote works for children of young parents, particularly if they have a family of their own. They can perhaps imagine what it’s like to want to live longer in that child’s life.

3. "I pressed my father's hand and told him I would protect his grave with my life. My father smiled and passed away to the spirit land." by Chief Joseph

Consider this quote if you visit your father’s grave weekly and seek kinship with traditional wisdom. It also works as a post on nearly any social media site.

4. "How much of love lies buried in dusty graves!" by Francis Alexander Durivage

Durivage’s quote works for those whose parents have been deceased for some years, yet the love for them is as strong today as it was when they were alive.

5. "There's no repentance in the grave." by Isaac Watts

Someone might post this quote if they were on bad terms with their parents when they died. Another case might be that of a parent who made interesting legal choices.

Below are a few quotes about death suitable to use after you’ve visited your grandparent’s grave.

6. "My grandparents, like many genocide survivors, took most of their stories to their graves." by Chris Bohjalian

Bohjalian’s quote serves two primary purposes. One serves as a recognition of the grandparent’s suffering. The other points out the weight and toll of surviving the camps.

7. "Most people go to their grave with their music inside them." by George Bernard Shaw

From Shaw’s quote, you can imagine a grandparent who was the definition of joy. Whether that happiness came with an ease of spirit or a quick laugh, they were willing to share that liveliness with others.

8. "No one can escape the grave." by Lailah Gifty Akita

Post this quote for the grandparent who lived as long as possible, out of great health or sheer defiance. Choose it not just because you’re a pragmatic person but also wbecause you appreciate the quote’s brevity.

9. "Heaven lent you a soul, Earth will lend a grave." by Christian Nestell Bovee

Bovee’s quote works for anyone whose grandparent was as gentle as a bird. It’ll also appeal to anyone who is more spiritual than religious.

10. "One keeps forgetting old age up to the very brink of the grave." by Sidonie Gabrielle Colette

Post this quote on your social media page if your grandparent was running amok until their very last day. It’s definitely meant for the individual who approached each day with as much fight for life as possible.

11. "Living is death; dying is life. We are not what we appear to be. On this side of the grave, we are exiles, on that citizens; on this side orphans, on that children." by Henry Ward Beecher

If you’re seeking perspective to ease any discomfort in loss, consider the quote from Henry Ward Beecher. It may not remove the pain you’re feeling, but it may add insight where little seems to exist.

Use the following quotes as a starting point for inspiration when visiting a sibling’s grave.

12. "The grave is but the threshold of eternity." by Robert Southey

Here’s another perspective quote, but this time from Robert Southey. His selection doesn’t take away from your loss. It simply asks you to see how much is possible when the confines of this life have passed.

13. "He whose head is in heaven need not fear to put his feet into the grave" by Matthew Henry

If you’ve lost your sibling unexpectedly, you can take comfort in Matthew Henry’s quote. Faith in an afterlife often brings solace to those experiencing grief.

14. "The paths of glory lead but to the grave." by Thomas Gray

Thomas Gray’s quote is a lesson about what people most ardently pursue. It may not alleviate your distress in losing a sibling, but wisdom tends to have an afterburn that helps over time.

15. "And they who for their country die shall fill an honored grave, for glory lights the soldier's tomb, and beauty weeps the brave." by Joseph Rodman Drake

Honor your sister’s courage and active duty service with Joseph Rodman Drake’s quote. Post it on social media whenever you visit her grave, every military holiday and 4 th of July, and whenever her loss seems too much to bear.

16. "If I could have two things in one: the peace of the grave, and the light of the sun." by Edna St. Vincent Millay

Some siblings experience profound hardships throughout their lives. If that sounds like yours, this quote may be for you. Post it in their memory as a reminder that peace eventually arrives no matter how painful the journey to find it is.

You can cultivate a tradition when visiting a child’s grave by taking a meaningful quote to read to them.

17. "A grave is such a quiet place." by Edna St. Vincent Millay

Although it’s only seven words, an entire book of sadness is written in Edna St. Vincent Millay’s quote. It’ll work for those days when no words can adequately express your pain.

18. "He spoke well who said that graves are the footprints of angels." by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Longfellow’s quote is an uplifting reminder of a promised life for those with faith. Text it to yourself, screenshot it, then make it your phone’s wallpaper as a reminder to keep believing.

19. "There is a graveyard in my poor heart - dark, heaped-up graves, from which no flowers spring." by Adah Isaacs Menken

Because losing a child leaves few words to describe the severity of pain, Adah Isaacs Menken’s quote instead offers a visual for that grief.

20. "Love is the only possession which we can carry with us beyond the grave." by Suzanne Curchod

Suzanne Curchod’s quote works for those in the later stages of grief from losing a child.

21. "A mother's love is stronger than distance, more powerful than time, and can transcend the grave." by Tyler Perry

Tyler Perry’s quote recognizes the continued strength and reach of a mother’s love. It can work as a mantra or meditation technique reassuring you as you process grief.

If you’re visiting a loved one's grave on their birthday , take a few of these quotes as a reminder that grief is a privileged part of loving deeply.

22. "One half of my life has put the other half in the grave." by Pierre Corneille

Here’s a quote describing what it’s like when the union of two souls tears in half.

23. "The graves of those we have loved and lost distress and console us." by Arsene Houssaye

Arsene Houssaye’s quote portrays just one of the struggles people face with death and dying. It’ll work for anyone who’s seeking answers but struggling to find them as they grieve the death of a spouse.

24. "O heart, and mind, and thoughts! what thing do you Hope to inherit in the grave below?" by Percy Bysshe Shelley

Like others, this quote from Percy Bysshe Shelley, like the others, deals with one of the stages of grief. Use it if you are trying to protect your heart as you navigate through them.

25. "Love lives on and hath a power to bless when they who loved are hidden in the grave." by James Russell Lowell

Consider this quote if you need an echo to what you already know. Your partner’s love is still very much present and giving.

26. "Who hasn't slept in an empty bed sometimes, longing for the embrace of another person on the achingly short trip to the grave?" by Leonore Fleischer

Fleischer’s quote touches on two themes in life. One, partners are intensely missed in the achingly quiet moments throughout the night. Two, life is short is a realization learned late in life.

Keep your friend’s memory in place with one of these short memorial quotes.

27. "The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone." by Harriet Beecher Stowe

Stowe’s quote might work for you if you had unfinished business with a friend, perhaps having left your relationship in anger rather than choosing to fix what was broken.

28. "I do not choose that my grave should be dug while I am still alive." by Elizabeth I

It’s notable how seeing anything related to death, even a friend’s grave is the quickest way to advocate for one’s life. Use it to ensure others aren’t planning for you to die before your time.

29. "The human-animal dances wildest on the edge of the grave." by Rita Mae Brown

You could take two things from this quote. The first is that you recognize how recklessly your friend lived their life. Or you can validate that they wouldn’t go without a good fight.

30. "Never the grave gives back what it has won!" by Friedrich Schiller

Quotes like this one from Friedrich Schiller indicate how acceptance can look and feel like humor, even when it’s just pragmatism visiting.

31. "Nor has he lived in vain, who from his cradle to his grave has passed his life in seclusion." by Horace

Use Horace’s quote to indicate that you accepted your friend for who they were, whether as a loner, introvert, or misanthrope.

Visiting a Loved One’s Grave Helps You Grieve

Each time you visit your loved one’s grave, whether they are a parent, child, friend, or else, you’re creating a kind of procession or ritual. When you do, take the time to read to them, speak with them, or share the quotes you’ve discovered so you can journey through the grief process and keep their memory alive.

For help finding a loved one's grave and tips on cemetery etiquette, click on Cake today.

8 Steps to Find a Loved One’s Grave in a Cemetery

30+ Creative Grave & Cemetery Decoration Ideas

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Meaningful Grave Decorations for Mom – 21 Unique Ideas

This site contains affiliate links, meaning that we earn a small commission for purchases made through our site. We only recommend products we personally use or have thoroughly reviewed.

Finding a way to commemorate and connect with your mother can be hard after she has passed. The absence can be particularly noticeable during the holiday season and times such as Mother’s Day. To turn grief into a celebration of life, we’ve compiled a list of 21 heartfelt grave decorations for moms below.

Before Decorating your Mother’s Grave…

Ensure that you check the cemetery rules and regulations to ensure that items are allowable. This is because some decor items will pose a safety risk to visitors, interfere with lawn maintenance, or can be viewed as inappropriate to some. Some grave or headstone decorations also deteriorate over time (e.g. fresh flowers or faded photographs) and can impact the overall look or aesthetic of the cemetery.

Mom Engraved Heart Memorial

This weather-resistant acrylic plaque is a sweet tribute engraved with ‘In Loving Memory of Mom’, a remembrance poem, and decorative roses on each side. It is mounted on a clear stake for easy placement around the grave.

A simple but significant tribute, leaving coins on a grave symbolizes respect for those who have passed. This is a common Military tradition and is also observed in Latin American countries.

In Loving Memory Engraved River Rock

These delicate river rocks can be placed on your mother’s grave or on top of her headstone (much like the tradition of coins). Alternatively, they can be combined on a small plate – some customers used a sweet heart-shaped bowl for this.

Personalized Memorial Vase

Add your own special message or loving quote on this vase to decorate your mom’s grave. Made of sturdy resin, this elegant bowl allows you to store flowers to brighten up a space.

UV Resistant Artificial Flowers

If you’re looking for a long-lasting floral arrangement to go with a vase then consider these blooms. Made for outdoor use, these flowers are a refreshing mix of colors that work well against most darker granite gravesites. For a higher-end look, we also recommend this custom artificial bouquet from Etsy.

Rinlong 6Pcs Artificial UV Resistant Flowers Outdoor Fake...

One square foot requires 3-4 Pack of this fake plants to fill.
Brighten Up Your Home – For both indoor & outdoor use, the refreshing color of this artificial plant can…
UV Resistant – The whole artificial plant is made of plastic, will not be damaged by sun heat. “Plant”…

Rose Quartz Angel Figurine

This angel made of rose quartz – the crystal of compassion and love, is the perfect representation of mothers and their nurturing energy. It also comes with an angel poem gift card to remind you of your guardians watching from above.

Earth Therapy Pocket Guardian Angel with Serenity Prayer...

GUARDIAN ANGEL – With our hand-carved angel, you will have a pretty angel with you all day long.
POCKET-SIZED FIGURINE – Easy to carry all day long to have an angel looking over your shoulder.
PERFECT GIFT INSPIRATIONAL GIFTS FOR WOMEN – A great gift any time of the year.

Upright Memorial Stone

Blending in with most graves with a neutral color, this upright memorial stone bears the beautiful quote “If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever.”

If love could have saved you - Memorial Stone (7.8 LB)

Solid cast in stone (7.8 LB) – Not plastic or resin
Made for outdoors – Stands upright
Deeply engraved

Memorial Wind Chimes

A chime provides healing sound therapy and offers your mom the ability to be present in the wind. These are the best-reviewed options we could find online, with one model engraved with beautiful sentiments and the other with custom names and dates.

YOUNTASY Sympathy Wind Chimes , Bereavement/Memorial...

Sympathy Wind Chimes: Losing a loved one is never easy. Express your heartfelt sympathy with our sympathy…
Memorial Wind Chimes: Have you missed the funeral? Send the memorial Wind Chimes as unique memorial gifts…
Bereavement Gifts Ready to Gift: The sympathy wind chimes come securely packaged in 13.2×5.1X2.0 inches…

Butterfly Stakes

These waterproof butterfly decorations can be placed around your mother’s gravesite to add a pop of color. Use any extras to adorn your own garden so you have that connection to your mom at home, reminding you of her presence.

【GREAT QUALITY BUTTERFLY STAKES】: sturdy and durable, made of fairly thick PVC WATERPROOF material,…
【VARIETY OF SIZES DECORATIVE GARDEN STAKES】: We have Extra small , small , normal size, large , extra…
【10 MORE BRIGHT COLORS BUTTERFLY GARDEN DECOR】: pink, red, purple, yellow, green, etc. They look like…

Decorative Mother Garden Stone

This hand-painted stone is made of durable resin to withstand the elements. The quoted tribute to your mother will work beautifully on the grave or mounted in your preferred spot as a wall plaque.

Spoontiques - Garden Decor - Mother Left Our Life but Never...

Stepping Stone – Spoontiques’ stepping stones and decorative plaques are a lovely way to brighten up…
Fun And Functional – Spruce up your garden or walkway with a beautiful hand-painted garden stone….
Outdoor Décor – Place your vibrant stepping stone in your garden or walkway. Your stone is made of…

Mother’s Love Terracotta Candle Holder

Made of premium terracotta, this white candle holder is an understated decor item for your mother’s grave. “In Remembrance Of My Mother’s Eternal Light And Love” is printed in the text along with a metal lid.

Pavilion Gift Company 19091 Mother's Love Terra Cotta Candle...

PREMIUM QUALITY: 4.5″ candle holder, packaged securely in a printed box, is made from terracotta,…
IN-HOUSE DESIGN: “In Remembrance Of My Mother’s Eternal Light And Love” text is printed onto the front of…
PERFECT FOR GIFTING: Perfect for remembering a loved mother who has passed.

Remembrance Stone Angel

This angel sculpture with an engraved special mother quote acts as a guardian over a gravesite or garden bed. Made of cold cast ceramic, this memorial item will remain in great condition for longer.

Besti Garden Memorial Stone Angel - Cold-Cast Ceramic...

💮 REMEMBER YOUR MOTHER – Celebrate the beautiful memories you shared with your departed mom by…
💮 ELEGANT & ARTISTIC STATUE – This special angel stone is crafted from hard-wearing cold-cast ceramic…
💮 FOR OUTDOOR & INDOOR DISPLAY – Ideally sized and lightweight, our memorial statue is perfect for any…

Sunflower Solar Lights

Sunflowers represent happiness, longevity, and peace , which is quite fitting for mothers and the selfless roles they play. Decorate your mother’s grave with these solar lights that charge during the day and stay bright for up to 7 hours from dusk.

KOOPER Solar Lights Outdoor Garden Decor - Upgraded 3 Pack...

【2024 Upgraded Sunflower Solar Lights】Compared to ordinary solar lights for outside, each solar…
【Brighter & Longer Working Time】3 in 1 solar decorative sunflower lights with 36 LED string lights,…
【Water-Resistant & Durable】The solar garden decoration lights with a high waterproof level IP65….

Angel Frosted Solar Lights

If you prefer angels to flowers, then these angel solar lights provide ethereal outdoor illumination. Your mother’s gravesite will glow beautifully with 7 rotating colors.

Unique Gadgets & Toys Solar Powered Angel w/Frosted Skirt...

Solar powered decorative stick light provides outdoor illumination.
7 rotating colors from white, pink, red, orange, green, purple to blue.
Integrated solar panel store energy by sun light.

Baby’s Breath Grapevine Wreath

With a super realistic appearance, this evergreen wreath can be adorned over a headstone or gravesite. The wreath design makes it appropriate for use over festive occasions or for special holidays such as Mother’s Day.

Custom Memorial Lantern

This classic lantern can be customized to include an image or quotes relating to your mom. The circular ring design gives you the ability to hang it or it can simply be placed on the gravesite.

Custom Memorial Garden Flag

This custom garden flag can be adorned over a gravesite or hung using a separate flag hanger. Add your favorite image of your mother, significant dates, and any meaningful quotes to the design.

Biodegradable Memorial Balloons

If allowable by the cemetery, these memorial balloons are a festive way to decorate your mother’s grave and celebrate her life. Children who have lost a parent will resonate well with this tribute, and balloons are appropriate for occasions such as Christmas or Mother’s Day.

50 Pieces White Funeral Balloons Memorial Balloons Latex...

Memorial balloons: the white balloons pinned your reminiscence and blessings to the passing one, you…
Biodegradable material: made of latex, durable and biodegradable, natural and non-toxic material for safe…
Suitable occasions: suitable for funeral balloons, memorial decorations, ash scattering, graveside…

Waterproof Picture Frame

Pick your favorite memories of happy times with your mother and display them over the seasons. The clear acrylic protects your photos while keeping the decor minimal.

❤️ EMBRACE MEMORIES OF THOSE YOU LOVED – Enjoy these precious moments with SimpleView acrylic picture…
🌧️ WATERPROOF – The SimpleView picture frame is designed for extended outdoor use and offers…
🖼️ EXTRA DURABILITY and HIGH-TRANSPARENCY – Only high-transparency UV-resistant and EXTRA THICK…

Grave Blanket

While traditional grave or casket blankets are made of fresh flowers, this is a modern twist on this decor item. Adorn your mother’s grave with this customized blanket in her favorite colors. Made of waterproof and high-quality UV resistant material, this cover can also be made to celebrate the season (e.g. Mother’s Day or Christmas).

QR Code Memorial

For a modern take on grave decorations, this QR Code allows you to create an interactive link to your mother’s memories. This can comprise of pictures, stories, or even a biography of your mom. Visitors to the cemetery can scan the aluminium memorial plate supplied by SmartGraves to access your tribute.

Our Tributes Memorial Webpage and Memorial Plaque for...

Each purchase comes with a secure, customizable website for your loved one, a 2×2 inch stainless steel QR…
Your QR code can be printed from your online account, placed on a posterboard, and used to gather…
Your stainless steel QR plaque is 2×2 inches and easily attaches to any smooth surface including a…

Mother’s Grave Decoration FAQs

What can I put on a grave instead of flowers?

There are plenty of alternative grave decorations that are longer lasting than flowers. Popular options include solar lights, memorial stones, angel figurines, and small flags.

What should I put on my mom’s grave?

This is largely up to personal taste and based on what best represents your mother. Many gravesites for moms are decorated with artificial flowers and picture frames.

What should I put on my mother’s grave for Mother’s Day?

As always, flowers are a beautiful tribute to your mother on this special day. You can choose a unique arrangement such as a wreath for unique holidays. Other options are completely up to you and should reflect how your mom lived.

What color rose do you put on a grave?

The most common rose color placed on a grave is red. This is because red symbolizes love and passionate emotions, particularly when grief and loss are involved.

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DEVELOPING: Israel carries out strike in Iran

Florida pre-med student stabs mother more than 70 times, killing her during visit, authorities say

A Florida pre-med university student killed his mother by stabbing her over 70 times without saying a word when he visited her from college over the weekend, authorities said.

After Emmanuel Espinoza, 21, killed his mother on Saturday, he perplexedly told detectives that he loved her and that they had a good relationship — but that he had wanted to kill her for years because she irritated him, Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd said.

Espinoza has been charged with first-degree murder in the death of his mother, 46-year-old Elvia Espinoza, the sheriff's office said.

The student at the University of Florida in Gainesville had traveled to Frostproof, Florida, for a family event Saturday and was going to stay with his mother, Judd said .

He arrived at her home around 2 p.m., knocked on the front door, and seemingly without provocation stabbed her "many times" after she opened the door, Judd said.

On Sunday, Judd shared doorbell camera video from Elvia's home that showed Emmanuel approach with a small knife in his right hand, hidden behind his back, and knock on the door. Judd said that Emmanuel had put AirPods in his ears and was playing Kanye West and Jay-Z's song “No Church in the Wild” when he drove up to the house and knocked on the front door.

“His beautiful mother, who was so excited to see her son, opened the door. The second she opened the door, he charged in and started stabbing her,” Judd said.

The mother ran from him, but "he stabbed her until she fell down and died."

Judd said Emmanuel confessed to stabbing his mother repeatedly, even when he noticed her hands were still moving. He told detectives that he knew where to stab her for maximum effect because of his biology classes.

Emmanuel told detectives that he had cut his hand in the stabbing. When he went to the kitchen sink to wash himself and the knife off, "he wanted to ask his mother for the Neosporin for the cut on his hand, but he noticed she was dead," Judd said.

Emmanuel immediately dialed 911 and confessed to operators.

Audio of the dispatch call was played for reporters Sunday.

“I killed someone,” Emmanuel is heard telling dispatch. “I stabbed my mom.”

When Emmanuel spoke with detectives, he told them he loved his mother and had a good relationship with her but that she irritated him.

“We talked to him and he confessed. He said, 'You know, I have wanted to kill my mother for many, many years because she got on my nerves,'" Judd said.

When asked, "What’s your relationship with your mother?" Espinoza replied: "About a eight out of 10."

"He really loved her, but she irritated him and he made up his mind today on his way from Gainesville that he would murder her, and that’s exactly what he did," Judd said Saturday.

The sheriff said Emmanuel told detectives he wasn't on drugs or alcohol at the time of the stabbing — nor did he have any history of such abuse or mental health issues, no arrest record and there was no record of calls under the Baker Act (which focuses on crisis services for individuals with mental illness) to the home.

Emmanuel was known to be introverted and quiet, with zero issues, Judd told reporters. He was the Class of 2020 valedictorian at his high school and was "described as being a genius."

"[Elvia] wanted to come see him because she hadn’t seen him in a while. They text every day, every other day, they stay in constant contact. No issues over money. She would send him money to make sure she appropriately funded his ability to go to college and enjoy his college life. No argument that day. He never said a word to her," Judd said.

Elvia Espinoza was a mother of three and beloved second-grade teacher at Ben Hill Griffin Elementary in Frostproof, and was "well-loved" by the community, the sheriff's office said, calling the incident "an inexplicable vicious murder."

“I want you to understand this lady who was a school teacher for 20 years actually moved around and taught at different schools while her kids were in school so she could be close to them,” Judd said. “I want you to understand that she was the perfect mom. I want you to understand that she was very proud of his accomplishments.”

“Then I want you to understand that he viciously murdered her and confessed to it,” he added.

Polk County Public Schools said in a statement: “Her students and colleagues greatly loved her, and her sudden, unexpected death is a devastating loss. She was a very special part of her school family.”

Grief counselors have been made available at her school and another school where she previously worked.

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Wynonna judd’s daughter thinks her mom blocked her number after getting slapped with prostitution charges: ‘she thinks i’m out here doing crazy s–t’.

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Wynonna Judd’s daughter says her famous mom won’t take her calls.

“I think she’s blocked my number,” Grace Kelley told The Post during an exclusive phone interview from jail.

Kelley, 27, is cooling her heels in Alabama’s Elmore County Jail after being arrested April 5 for indecent exposure .

This week, she was slapped with an additional soliciting prostitution, according to jail records .

“My mom, she thinks I’m on drugs, right? She wants me to go to rehab. But when I came to jail, I took a drug test, and I passed it. I’m not on drugs. My mom won’t listen to me, she won’t believe me. She thinks I’m out here doing crazy s–t.”

Kelley, who said she lives “here, there and everywhere,” is being held on a $2,000 cash bail.

She said no one from her famous family, including her actress aunt Ashley Judd, or her brother Elijah, a “ game warden in the state of Tennessee ,” has contacted her.

She wonders if her grandmother Naomi Judd’s suicide in 2022 contributed to her misfortune.

“I don’t know if when my grandma shot herself she like cursed me,” she said.

Cops said they spotted Kelley holding a sign that said “Ride for a Ride ” on the side of the road in the Montgomery suburb of Millbrook.

“I was doing it honestly. I literally had a sign that was like, ‘Help me with my ride,'” Kelley insisted.

Ashley Judd, Naomi Judd, Grace Kelley, Elijah Kelley

When officers from the Millbrook Police Department first approached her, she said, “I gave them all my information. I was like, ‘I’m not doing anything wrong. I don’t have any drugs on me.'”

As she crossed the street, away from the cops, she heard sirens.

“The officer that pulled up, he literally told me to get on my f–king knees . . . so I get on my knees and put my wrists out and I said, ‘I am going to keep walking that way because I have a right to travel,'” she recalled.

“He’s like, ‘If you walk that way I’m going to take you to f–king jail.'”

She said she was initially charged with criminal impersonation.

“I said, ‘Well, I hope your body camera is working because I’m gonna have your ass in f–king court because I just gave you all my correct information.”

After her identity was confirmed, she claims her charges were changed to disorderly conduct and obstructing governmental operations.

She said that was only the beginning of the nightmare.

“They done me wrong, they put me in this chair where they had me strapped down where it literally broke skin. They put me in a padded room with a hole in the floor and they put the lights off on me and I was in there for three days strapped to a chair. No water, no toilet, no nothing,” she claimed.

“My wrists are literally scabbed over from the restraint chair because they did it so tight on me because I was basically cussing all of them, telling them to go to hell because they had no reason to arrest me. When I go to court, all this sh-t will be dropped.”

On her third day in jail, Kelley was hit with the indecent exposure charge, she said.

She claimed she was never dressed indecently.

“I was wearing a bra, ok? On top of my bra I had on a sports bra. On top of that, I had on a T-shirt,” she said. “There are women that go jogging every morning in just sports bras.

“On my bottoms, I was wearing a skirt and I had panties on, not a thong, actual underwear. No nipple was shown. No vagina was shown. Nothing was exposed.”

She believes authorities are treating her differently because of her pedigree.

“Cause of who my family is, it’s either a blessing or a curse, it’s almost like they’re trying to throw the book at me. It’s like, ‘Let me do everything I can to make your life hell.'”

Grace Kelley and her daughter Kaliyah Chanel

The Millbrook Police Department did not return calls for comment.

Kelley — Judd’s daughter with businessman Arch Kelley III, her first husband — has a history of trouble with the law.

In 2015, she was arrested in Nashville, Tenn., and later pleaded guilty to possessing meth .

After she left her court-ordered rehab program , she was sentenced to eight years in prison , but was allowed a temporary leave to welcome her daughter, Kaliyah Chanel, in March 2022.

She was released in December 2022 but by May 2023 was arrested again for violating an order of protection and her parole.

“I just flattened an eight-year sentence, so I’m trying to get back on my feet, but I have no help from family. I have no help from anybody,” she told The Post.

“And I’m trying to do it the right way. I’m trying not to sell drugs. I’m trying not to sell myself. But when you don’t have anybody, what do you do?”

When asked what she would like to say to Wynonna if she could, she said, “I’m innocent.”

Wynonna Judd didn’t return messages seeking comment.

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Some people just don’t want to get married — and Whoopi Goldberg was one of those people, despite going through with three weddings. On this morning’s episode of The View , the longtime moderator revealed the “dumb” reason she tied the knot so many times even though she didn’t want to.

According to a new survey Goldberg read during the Hot Topics segment, 20% of newlyweds admitted they got cold feet at the last minute and nearly ducked out before the ceremony.

“Did you have any eleventh-hour panic? Yeah,” Goldberg confessed, to which Joy Behar asked, “Every single time, right?”

The EGOT recipient — who was previously married to drug counselor Alvin Martin in the 1970s, director David Claessen in the 1980s and actor Lyle Trachtenberg in the 1990s — confirmed to Behar that she hesitated to go through with her wedding ceremonies.

“My mother said to me, ‘Just get in the car. I can see you don’t want to do this,'” Goldberg recalled. “I said, ‘I know I don’t. But I invited all these people who spent all this money and I gotta go through with it.’ She said, ‘That’s dumb.’ And she was right — all three times.”

Goldberg previously told her co-hosts that she was “ so glad ” to end her marriages on a September 2023 episode of The View.

“I thought I could make a round hole go into a square peg,” she said at the time. “I thought that was what was for me. I was never meant to be married. I know that and I knew that then. I kept trying to do what everybody said I was supposed to do. And then it was like, ‘This is getting expensive and boring.'”

However, Goldberg wasn’t the only one at the table with a failed marriage.

“I was so traumatized by the first one that I waited 29 years to do the second one,” Behar said during today’s broadcast. “The first time I was very young, I was 22. We felt older in those days than we do now because people did not live as long back in those days.”

The comedian then described her first wedding as a “performance.”

“It was like entertaining my aunts and uncles and I did the certain kind of dance, I picked a song that I knew they would like — ‘It Had To Be You’ [by Frank Sinatra]. I should’ve picked, ‘Help!’ [by The Beatles],'” Behar quipped.

The View airs on weekdays 11/10c on ABC.

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Visiting my mom's grave.
VISITING MOM'S GRAVE FOR THE FIRST TIME
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FIRST TIME SEEING MY MOM’S GRAVE

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Whether you visit the grave regularly or only on your loved one's birthday, it can be a powerful way to honor their memory and keep them close to your heart. You can expect the initial stages of grief to last anywhere from six to twelve months, at which time your pain and sorrow will begin to ease. You may not feel emotionally ready to visit ...
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What does the bible say about visiting graves kjv?
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Lily: purity and beauty. Red rose: love and affection. Tulip: confidence, affection, and enduring love. Yellow rose: friendship and gratitude. Zinnia: friendship, remembrance, and goodness. Family and friends often decorate graves around the holidays. You will see a lot of lily arrangements and floral crosses around Easter.
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i think you should visit her grave site, I think it will bring you peace. love to you, take care. i am very sorry for your loss. It does help many people to have something tangible of their deceased loved ones. The only way to find out is for you to go. You can bring fresh flowers or anything you choose.
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I visit my mom's grave site at least twice a week. Just like your mom's site, my mom's marker hasn't arrived yet. So we planted some flowers in her grave site. I water those flowers every time I visit. We also installed a couple of those solar powered crosses. I actually visited her site after dark once, just to see those crosses lit up.
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