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Brilliant lady, resilient lady, valiant lady, scarlet lady, review of virgin voyages.

Virgin Voyages (formerly "Virgin Cruises", VirginVoyages.com) is a new cruise line company headquartered in Plantation (Florida USA). Virgin Voyages was created as a joint venture between Virgin Group Ltd (British multinational holding company) and Bain Capital LP (multi-asset investment company), with the latter having a majority (51%) shareholding. The establishment of Virgin Cruises was announced by Virgin Group on December 4, 2014. The new cruise line is scheduled to start operations in 2020.

Company History

Bain Capital (1984-founded) is based in Boston (Massachusetts USA) and specializes in private equity, venture capital, credit, public equity, life sciences and real estate, with assets (under management in FY2018) ~USD 105 billion. Virgin Group Ltd (1970-founded by Richard Branson and Nik Powell) is based in London (England UK) and specializes in global investments and branding through numerous fully- or partially-owned subsidiary companies in businesses like travel (cruises, hotels, tours, airlines, trains), hospitality, health, banking, retail, communications, entertainment, publishing, charity.

Virgin Group's best-known brands are Virgin Holidays, Virgin Voyages, Virgin Megastores, Virgin Hotels, Virgin Care, Virgin Trains USA (Brightline), and Virgin Airlines (Australia, Atlantic, Connect, and Galactic/spaceflights).

Virgin Voyages operates a fleet of four fully-owned cruise vessels constructed by the Italian shipbuilder Fincantieri SpA (at Sestri Ponente shipyard/ Genoa ).

In FY2018, Fincantieri reported revenue of EUR 5,4 billion. Currently ranked Europe's largest shipbuilding company, Fincantieri has 8 shipyards (all in Italy), in 2013 acquired VARD (Norway-based company with 9 shipyards) and in 2018 purchased 50% of STX France (Chantiers de l'Atlantique Shipyard in St Nazaire ). Fincantieri builds both commercial and naval ships.

In 2020, Virgin Cruises officially started operations (from Miami Florida USA ) with the 2800-passenger Scarlet Lady . Three more sisterships were inaugurated in the following years - Valiant Lady (2021), Resilient Lady (2022) and Brilliant Lady (2024).

The announcement (initially for 3 ships) was made on June 23, 2015, in Miami, during a press conference (media event "making waves") for Virgin Group's new cruise travel brand. For the event, Richard Branson arrived on a helicopter, landing near Miami's Museum Park. He announced that the total building cost for the 3 ships is USD 2,13 billion (US$710M per unit). The announcement for the 4th ship was made on October 31, 2018, with order value ~EUR 700 million.

The company's current President and CEO is Nirmal Saverimuttu (1979-born in Zambian, raised in Australia), who in September 2023 succeeded Thomas Michael McAlpin (1959-born American). McAlpin joined DCL-Disney Cruise Line in 1995 (as VP of Finance, Business Development & Shore Travel Operations) overseeing the construction of the first Disney ships ( Magic /1998 and Wonder /1999) and the development of Walt Disney's private Bahamian island Castaway Cay . In 2004, he became DCL's President. Prior to heading Virgin Cruises, McAlpin served as CEO of The World Residences at Sea (in the period 2009-2014). Following his retirement from CEO and President, Tom McAlpin continued to serve Virgin Voyages as Chairman of the Board of Directors.

Earlier in 2016, Virgin settled US$300M lawsuits filed by Colin Veitch (former NCL-Norwegian CEO), who claimed Virgin had stolen his ideas and moved on with the cruise line concept without him.

Tom McAlpin commented that the company is not to be considered a big player in the cruising industry, but rather "a small boutique line that will offer different experiences". McAlpin and Branson hinted that those experiences might take some cues from other successful Virgin ventures, like Virgin Hotels. The hotel chain is popular for offering free WiFi, minibar drinks at street prices, privacy doors allowing guests to go on about their business while room service brings requests, pet-friendly amenities with no weight or size restrictions.

In October 2016, "Virgin Cruises" was rebranded as "Virgin Voyages". At the time it was first announced, the company's founder Branson said his goal was to create a brand cruising experience that is more likely to appeal to millennials and other people who don't normally take cruise ship vacations.

In regard to onboard gratuities, the company has "No Tipping" policy, which means all gratuities are included in the base cruise fares. Also included in basic fares are beverages, all eateries, group fitness classes. The company also doesn't charge penalties or change fees. Customers are able to hold staterooms for 24 hours with no money down once they've placed a 20% non-refundable deposit. They also have a 7-day grace period allowing them to change bookings for any reason. Cruise departure date and names on bookings can be changed without fees or penalties. Shortly before opening the bookings on Scarlet Lady (Feb 14, 2019), Virgin announced all-inclusive deal policy by which cruises are sold "by cabin price". Fares are also inclusive of dining (shipwide / 20 options, some 24-hour), unlimited WiFi, all fitness classes. Cabin pricing only varies by the number of occupants. For 5-day itineraries, fares start from ~USD 250 pp per day (excluding taxes-fees).

Virgin Cruises' "non-commissionable policy" allows travel agents to earn across customer's entire transaction, including on add-ons (hotels, flights, travel insurance, spa treatments, tours/excursions, premium packages, onboard credits, taxes, fees). Travel agents receive 16% base commission on the transaction (increased from 10% by the expanded "Brilliant To Do Business With" program). "Red Hot Bonus" program additionally offers annually paid revenue up to 6% (in case certain production thresholds are met) in addition to 10% commission on everything sold prior the cruise (excepting taxes and fees).

Company changes 2019 (pre-inauguration)

In early-April 2019, Virgin Voyages signed an exclusive 7-year partnership deal with OSW (OneSpaWorld Holdings Ltd) - a provider of health-and-wellness services and products on cruise vessels and in destination resorts worldwide. OSW provides all the wellness staff, services and products onboard Virgin ships, including yoga and gym trainers, massages, medispa treatments, salon (manicure-pedicure-hairdresser) services. Each ship has a 29-person OSW-employed professional staff. The served facilities include Crow's Nest (outdoor yoga studio), Redemption Spa, Dry-Dock (blowout bar), B-Complex (Fitness Center).

In April 2019, Virgin and Intelligentsia Coffee signed a deal to provide Intelligentsia coffee (Virgin Voyages Blend) and made-to-order beverages at all venues, including the specialty coffee bars ("Ministry of Ground" and "Ministry of Ground Too") served by expert baristas.

In June 2019, Virgin expanded the list of RockStar Suite-only perks with RockStar Agents (dedicated butlers per stateroom), specially dedicated hair and makeup crew (upon request), complimentary laundry service, complimentary Thermal Suite access (Redemption Spa), all-inclusive premium drinks (in all shipboard eateries and bars), personalized bottomless in-room bar (free of charge), option to curate in-port activities.

In late-October 2019 was approved the agreement for Brightline Miami to be rebranded "Virgin Trains" and Virgin Group to build a train station (Virgin Trains PortMiami) at the cruise port. The new station serves high-speed trains and connects PortMiami directly with the USA's intercity railway system and Orlando International Airport.

On November 12, 2019, Richard Branson announced that the second Virgin ship ( Valiant Lady ) will be seasonally homeported in Sydney (NSW Australia) . Branson was in Sydney to launch a partnership between Virgin Australia Airlines and Virgin Voyages and promote affordable Australian and Caribbean fly-cruise deals on Scarlet Lady.

On December 13, 2019, was officially released the "Ship No. 1" perfume (aka "the fragrance of Scarlet Lady"). The sea lavender-based perfume was created by Air Aroma - a company specializing in scent marketing and fragrance systems (diffusers, Aropromo sale scenting devices). Virgin's Ship No. 1 is infused throughout Scarlet Lady. The perfume can be also purchased (only online - via ItSmellsLikeShip.com) for USD 50 per bottle. All net proceeds from these sales go to Ocean Unite (non-profit foundation of 30+ political leaders and business tycoons).

On December 19, 2019, was announced the "Sailor Loot" (OBC/onboard credit) program. These promotions offer OBC (per cabin) for shipboard spending during the current voyage. The OBC is based on the stateroom category and ranges from US$ 100 (interior and oceanview) to US$200 (balcony) and up to US$ 400 (suites).

Now each Virgin cruise ship offers 50+ activities and events. The onboard programming features live performances (by the company's Hapenings Cast) and is managed by Richard Kilman (Virgin's VP of Entertainment).

Company changes 2024

In February Steven Worling (Senior Director of Infrastructure & Security) announced that Virgin Voyages would roll out fleetwide an improved connectivity (Internet/Wi-Fi package) with SES Cruise mPOWERED + Starlink PRO (satellite service), with onboard connectivity 1,5 Gbps (max per ship). The Internet is provided via MEO and LEO satellites (Medium Earth Orbit and Low Earth Orbit). Shipboard Wi-Fi access is unlimited and for multiple devices per guest.

Company changes 2023

In February, Virgin replaced Harding UK (Bristol-based global travel retail business) with Starboard Cruise Services (Doral Florida-based company). As of 2023, Starboard was contracted by 11 cruise lines and operated on 90+ ships worldwide.

In March was announced an expansion of onboard entertainment fleetwide. The announcement mentioned new cabaret and game shows, new parties (80s Party, We Fancy), and more live music (by the hosted in The Red Room and The Manor program Festival Stage Acts/comedy shows rotating every 2 to 4 weeks). The list of new productions includes three fleetwide game shows (Duel Reality, Untitled DanceShowPartyThing, Miss Behave), the cabaret show Lola’s Library (fleetwide), as well as 3 new productions debuting on Resilient Lady (Persephone, Mind Mangler, Another Rose/Supper Club Series).

In April Virgin signed a partnership deal with WPT/World Poker Tour (2002-founded, internationally televised gaming and entertainment brand). The premium poker experience is offered on Scarlet Lady during all 4-5-night Caribbean itineraries. The ship's new WPT at Sea Poker Room is fitted with 8 poker tables and served by professional dealers. The new gaming venue hosts beginner training sessions, as well as cash games and WPT Prize Package poker tournaments with buy-ins between US$80-320. The US$320 buy-in WPT Prize tournament is held once per cruise. The prize (US$5000) can be used on any future voyage or WPT tournament.

In September, Nirmal Saverimuttu succeeded Michael McAlpin as the company's President and CEO. Along with the new appointment was announced a capital raise of USD 550 million (~EUR 512M/~GBP 440M) with funds managed by Ares Management's Private Equity Group. As of 2023, Ares had ~US$49,2 billion of AUM/assets under management.

In October 2023, Michelle Bentubo was appointed COO/Chief Operating Officer. In 2016-2023 she served the company as VP of Technology & Operations. Previously, she has held executive positions at Walt Disney World (Director of Experience Development), DCL-Disney Cruise Line (Director of Disney's Magical Express) and Bank of America (SVP Technology/2013-16).

In November 2023, Peter Hunt was appointed CFO/Chief Financial Officer. He previously served as CFO for Service King Collision Repair (1976-founded automotive company) and before that was in the leadership team of Virgin America Inc (2004-founded/2018-merged with Alaska Airlines).

Company changes 2022

In March 2022 was announced a partnership with Jennifer Lynn Lopez (1969-born American actress and singer) via her brand company "JLo Beauty and Lifestyle LLC". Jennifer Lopez joined Virgin Voyages as an investor and chief of entertainment/advisor/lifestyle officer. As part of the partnership, fleetwide was introduced "JLo Beauty" (onboard shop) selling the superstar's products at sea for the first time. In June 2023, she was appointed as Virgin's Chief Celebrations Officer.

In September 2022 debuted Virgin's loyalty program "The Sailing Club" by which repeat customers are provided with two main complimentary perks - "Deep Blue Extras" (premium WiFi, invitations to onboard cocktail parties, laundry services) and "Red Hot Booking Bonus Months" (discounted booking with additional OBC/onboard credit).

In September 2022 Virgin partnered with RSB/Roundtable on Sustainable Biomaterials (an independent global membership organization). Virgin also signed long-term agreements with three providers of waste-based sustainable fuels (Argent Energy, GoodFuels, Twelve) to supply the fleet's bunker fuels.

Company changes 2021

In mid-November 2021 was announced an investment in Virgin Voyages by Patricof & Co (1969-founded by Alan Patricof, specializing in venture capital investments). The company is part of Apax Partners LLP (London UK-based equity firm) that also includes Multinational Management Group (1972-founded) and Saunders Karp & Megrue (1988-founded).

In December 2021 was announced the partnership with the House Spirits Distillery () for the fleetwide presence of the brand "Aviation American Gin" (aka Aviation Gin/alcohol volume 42%, produced in Portland Oregon since 2006). Signature cocktails (based on the Aviation Gin) available for ordering at each Virgin ship include "The Double Agent at SIP", "Razzle Dazzle's Electric Fizz", "Stella's Groove at The Manor", "Gunbae's French 75".

Company changes 2020

On April 1, 2020, the company launched its "Jet Transfers Direct to Ship" service. The exclusive "fly-cruise" deal is for RockStar Suite passengers only, allowing them to arrive and depart the boat via chartered or private aircraft. The planes land at The Runway - a top-deck open space (Deck 17 aft) surrounded by a raised Jogging Track.

Virgin cruise ships

On June 23, 2015, Virgin announced it had signed a Letter of Intent with Fincantieri (shipbuilder based in Trieste Italy ) for the construction of 3 ships scheduled for deliveries in 2020-2021-2022 (entering service in 15-month increments).

The shipbuilding order was officially finalized on December 21, 2016. The boats are of the so-called "Lady-class", mid-sized (volume 110000 GT-tons), max passenger capacity 2860 (1410 cabins/90% with balconies), 1150 crew-staff.

The shipbuilding contract was valued at ~EUR 2 billion. The first unit's construction (Scarlet Lady) started with the steel-cutting on March 22, 2017. For the vessel design and construction, Virgin contracted the marine architecture and naval design companies "Roman and Williams" (NYC), Concrete Amsterdam, Tom Dixon's Design Research Studio (London UK), Gem Srl (Italy), Softroom (London UK), WORKac (NYC), Knibb Design, HL Studio (UK), HKS Architects (Dallas USA), PearsonLloyd (London UK).

The first ship's ( Scarlet Lady ) keel-laying ceremony was held on October 31, 2017, and attended by Sir Richard Branson, Tom McAlpin, and Boy George (UK singer, songwriter, fashion designer) who performed as superstar DJ. During the ceremony were also revealed the ship design and hull art of the future Virgin "Lady Ships".

The next image shows the ship's stern (aft) and the signature funnel shape - designed to be a major part of its exterior design. The aft of the superstructure also shows the Promenade Deck and 7 decks of cabin balconies towering above.

Each boat has 86% balcony staterooms and 93% oceanview (outside) cabins. These newbuilds greatly differ from other passenger liners (as design) and target younger and more adventurous travellers (called "sailors").

Virgin's ships are adults-only (passengers under 18 yo/teenagers and kids are not allowed) and Bahamas- flagged (registered in Nassau ).

Dining on Virgin Voyages ships is ticket price-inclusive - no extra charges are applied to any of the 20-plus onboard dining options. The cruise company doesn't believe in "paying more for great food", so it ditched traditional surcharges levied in specialty restaurants. All eateries offer "exceptional made-to-order eats" - complimentary.

As part of the company's sustainable travel policy, Virgin banned single-use plastics and there is no buffet food on the ships. All shipboard food is made-to-order - to reduce waste and lower energy consumption and emissions. Savings are reinvested into fresh (locally sourced) top-quality products, exotic ingredients, highly trained staff, and clean technologies. In April 2019 was signed a partnership with Emerald Brand to supply the fleet with "Tree-Free" (disposable) paper products, including facial-bath tissues, paper towels, napkins, hot cups. Those are made from 60-100% Tree-Free materials via technologies that use by-products of agricultural crops usually wasted or burned.

The company doesn't follow any traditional cruise dining concepts. Virgin ships don't have a main dining room, buffet restaurant, dress code (formal wear policy), assigned dining times or seating. All these concepts were replaced with intimate (boutique hotel-type) eateries offering 20+ dining options - all of which are included in cruise fares.

Virgin ships' signature facilities and venues include:

• Athletic Club (training center) is an outdoor gym area with a boxing ring and gym club equipment) located top-deck aft. Part of the Sports Deck is also the raised jogging track (Runway track, red-white colored), sundeck with open-air lounge (furnished with double daybeds and semi-circular loungers), triple netting area (overlooking below decks), 10 private cabanas (cushioned bed, low table, 2 lounge chairs), beverage service (from the outdoor Sports Bar), foosball tables, swimming pool, showers.
• MyBeast is an outdoor playground / poolside gym area.
• The Crow's Nest (aft sundeck) offers 360-degree views and is furnished with loungers and mats colored in Virgin's signature red. Here are also hosted sunrise and sunset outdoor yoga classes.
• The B Complex in an indoor fitness center with Technogym ARTIS equipment, floor-ceiling windows and separate rooms (studios) for cycling, yoga, cardio and spinning classes.
• Gym and Tonic Bar serves cold-pressed fresh juices.
• Pink Agave is a Mexican restaurant with porthole windows, metallic lighting fixtures, large tables, an elongated curved area (intimate seating with 2-seat tables), separate bar (in the Lobby), private dining room (can be booked for parties and other private events).
• The Manor is ship's 2-deck high Disco Nightclub with a large dance floor.
• The Dock is an outdoor lounge (aft on Deck 7) with cushioned wooden furniture (loungers, deckchairs, daybeds).
• Test Kitchen restaurant features lab-like design (metallic furniture, beakers, test tubes),
• Richard's Rooftop is a top-deck VIP area (Suite passengers-only sundeck) furnished with daybeds, deckchairs, circular loungers, large umbrellas, colored crystals.
• Redemption is the ship's Spa complex (on Deck 5) consisting of a Reception, Mud Room, Salt Room, Hydrotherapy Pool, cold plunge pool, Jacuzzi, Thermal Suite (indoor spa with porthole windows, plunge pool and Jacuzzi), treatment rooms (for massages and treatments) with quartz-mattress beds, Dry Dock Salon (hairdressing services), Stubble and Groom (barbershop), Blow Dry Bar, Male pedicure Spa, Mani-pedi Spa. At night, the wellness complex transforms into a dancing lounge with live DJ music.
• Razzle Dazzle is the vegan-vegetarian restaurant. Part of Razzle Dazzle is Red Bar - juice bar for fresh-squeezed juices and tonics, as well as crafted cocktails from a menu that varies every night. In two days per voyage, at Razzle Dazzle are hosted Drag Brunches featuring live entertainment by "sassy drag queens".

Via the Sailor App (when your phone is shaken), a secret Champagne button allows you to order Moet-Chandon Champagne (Brut Imperial, 750 ml bottle) delivered in an ice bucket and with two glasses. The service is called "Shake for Champagne" and provided anywhere on the ship. The premium wine can be also enjoyed at The Sip - the ship's wine lounge (Virgin's champagne house).- where also is available traditional British Afternoon Tea service.

Virgin cruise passengers are offered complimentary water (filtered and sparkling) at all onboard bars and restaurants. Throughout the ship, there are also complimentary water stations.

Virgin ships' hull art designs are Mermaid-themed (by different artists) and Inspired by traditional figureheads mounted on the bows of historic wooden ships. The designs symbolize the vessels' feminine spirit.

Ship technology

One of the cruise ships' features is the advanced clean energy system provided by the Swedish company Climeon Ocean. The new technology allows reducing CO2 emissions by converting the generated by diesel engines' heat into electricity for shipboard use. Each of the newbuilds has 6 such Climeon units, saving ~5400 tons of carbon dioxide annually. The ship's waste processing system is provided by Scanship.

On April 30, 2018, Virgin Voyages signed with Wartsila (marine technologies Finnish corporation / former shipbuilder) a 10-year "Optimised Maintenance Agreement" giving the corporation extensive and exclusive responsibility of the fleet's technical maintenance. Wartsila's "Dynamic Maintenance Planning" system allows maintenance works to be scheduled based on remotely (real-time) monitored and analyzed vessel performance data. This allows extending service intervals (when onboard equipment doesn't require maintenance).

The Virgin-Wartsila deal includes Remote Operational Support Services, Specific Fuel Oil Consumption, spare parts, engines technical advisory services, comprehensive technical support, personnel training. Wartsila-made ship equipment includes 46F diesel engines, Hybrid Scrubber System, SCR (Selective Catalytic Reduction/exhaust gas cleaning) and NACOS Platinum series (navigation and automation control systems).

• Each Virgin ship is powered by two 8-cylinder plus two 12-cylinder "Wartsila 46F" marine diesel engines. Wartsila's Hybrid Scrubber System operates in both open and closed-loop and uses seawater to remove SOx from the ship's exhaust. It also significantly reduces NOx emissions.
• Propulsion is based on ABB Azipod XO system (electric drive motors with off-hull submerged azimuth thrusters / 360--degree rotating propellers). These units provide best maneuverability (allowing in-port navigation without tug assistance) and minimal vibrations/noise. By placing the propulsion units outside the hull, the Azipod system frees up space for more lower-deck staterooms.
• ABB Ability technology is based on a network using real-time data transferred to remote centres monitoring and analyzing the propulsion system data and also offering remote technical support.
• In July 2017, was announced that Wartsila (marine technologies Finnish corporation / former shipbuilder) is the provider of vessels' power plants. Among Wartsila's core products are large diesel engines for cruise ships and ferries .

In April 2019 was contracted V-Ships Leisure USA (ship management company) which is part of V-Group Ltd (vessel management and support services provider, industry's first with a dedicated cruise ship division). V-Ships Leisure is responsible for Virgin ships' technical support/management and crew sourcing.

Virgin cruise line's staff and crew uniforms were designed by Gareth Pugh and manufactured by Cintas Corporation (via the "Design Collective by Cintas" division).

• Cintas Corporation (1929-founded, based in Cincinnati, Ohio USA) specializes in businesses products (both for rental and direct purchase) and services, including uniforms, mats, water coolers, cleaning/restroom supplies (chemicals, mops, microfiber towels, disinfectant sprays, hand sanitizers), first aid/safety products, fire extinguishers (also testing and repairs), employee courses (safety, training, compliance). In 2020, Cintas had 40,000+ employees and total revenue USD 7,09 billion (~EUR 6,12B / ~GBP 5,21B).
• Virgin Voyages Crew apparel collection is based on sustainable fabrics and garments specifically designed according to job functions, body types and climates. Unlike the traditional cruise ship uniforms, Virgin's lack the officers' epaulettes (ornamental shoulder pieces that designate his/her rank), as well as ties and waistcoats.

The project was led by Gareth Pugh (British fashion designer) and supervised by Dee Cooper (Virgin Voyages' SVP Design and Customer Experience).

Next image shows one of the initial (train-like) Virgin ship designs.

Virgin cruise bookings on Scarlet Lady were opened on February 5, 2019 (for customers with pre-sale deposits) and on February 14 (for the general public). Beginning February 5, 2019, at FirstMates.com (dedicated website), the cruise company offers all booking tools and information for travel agents (called "First Mates"), including downloadable and digital materials, interactive learning and more. For February 6th was planned the learning campaign "Cabin Fever" on Scarlet Lady staterooms as they went on sale. The website allows travel agents to make bookings on inaugural cruise season 2020 deals (from February 14) and to contact company's Sailor Services (from February 5) in case they have customers with pre-sale deposits.

Bookings for Valiant Lady cruises (Mediterranean 2021) opened on December 19, 2019.

In February 2020 was announced "The Band" - smart wearable technology to be introduced on Scarlet Lady (April 1). The device is made from recycled marine plastic (sustainability initiative) and developed via partnership with The Bionic Company. The lightweight device (RFID wristband) is mailed to all passengers and is complimentary (keepsake). The Band is activated upon boarding the ship and used for onboard purchases and payments (beverages, Casino gaming), booking tours, cabin access (room key), room service ordering (points guest's current location), VIP pass (for Richard's Rooftop).

Virgin's private island resort "Bimini Beach Club" (Bahamas)

The liner Scarlet Lady is the first cruise ship to stop at "Bimini Beach Club" (Virgin Group's private island resort in Bimini Bahamas ). The exclusive destination allows Virgin's Sailors to enjoy world-class entertainment from a rotating cast of DJs led by Mark Ronson. Virgin's Bimini Beach Club offers premium food with locally sourced ingredients and traditional Bahamian favourites like banana leaf-wrapped queen snapper, conch and mango salad, Bahamian rum cake. The complex has 6 bars, outdoor lounge areas with hammock groves, beach loungers, watersport activities, (optional/at extra cost) private poolside and beach-side cabanas for rent.

RockStar Suite passengers benefit from complimentary food service, exclusive bar and outdoor terrace lounge, VIP beach cabanas. The 7-mile (11-km) long island offers extraordinary activities like boating, snorkeling, wreck diving. The partially sunk wreck of SS Sapona (concrete-hulled steamship that ran aground in 1926) is located just a few miles off the island's southern coast.

Virgin's private resort is located on North Bimini Island and at a short bus transfer from the docking pier. It was built via partnership with Resorts World Bimini. This is a 750-acres (3 km2 / 1,2 mi2) beachfront resort-casino-marina-hotel complex operated by Genting Group (Malaysia-based multinational corporation). North Bimini is approx 68 km (42 mi) east of Miami .

Resort's building cost is USD 220 million. Virgin's Bimini Beach Club overlooks the sea and features a large lagoon-style swimming pool. The "resort experience" also features morning open-air exercises (yoga and meditation), afternoon DJ poolside parties, night beach bonfires and live musical performances.

(Coronavirus crisis) passenger shipping pause 2020-2021

Due to the COVID pandemic, Virgin Voyages postponed the cruise brand's in March 2020 inauguration (Scarlet Lady ship's Showcase Tour / media event in PortMiami) for July 15th (4-day "Richard's Birthday Bash"), with the maiden voyage departing on August 7th from Miami. The ship's originally planned inauguration was for March 29th, 2020 (3-day "Sneak-A-Peek Cruise").

All the scheduled between March 26-August 7th (a total of 29) departures were canceled. In mid-May 2020 were canceled 15 additional departures (through October 15). The 4-night "Richard Branson's 70th Birthday Cruise" (originally planned for July 15, 2020) was rescheduled for July 14, 2021. In late-September 2020 were canceled all Scarlet Lady's November itineraries, and in late-October - the remaining (December 2020) departures. The brand's inauguration was rescheduled for 2021 (January 3, then for May 9). In mid-December were cancelled more itineraries.

The brand's inauguration was rescheduled for August 6, 2021 (Scarlet Lady's Maiden Voyage from Portsmouth England). Valiant Lady's inaugural cruise program was also postponed (Maiden Voyage rescheduled from Nov 14, 2021, to March 18, 2022) and revised.

All affected bookings were provided with the option to cancel with a 125% refund (100% monetary refund) plus 25% in FCC (future cruise credit) or rebook with 200% refund in FCC. As a promo offer, all bookings made by June 30, 2020, received up to USD 500 per person in OBC (onboard credit). A full (100%) monetary refund was optional for cancellations made between May 21-December 31, 2020.

All rebookings made with the 200% FCC were fully refunded (200%) and additionally received 25% in FCC (to be used on another booking). Virgin Voyages also introduced the "Smooth Sailing Program" which allows for itineraries in 2020 (through December 16) the final payment dates to be moved to 60 days (previously 120 days) prior departure. Smooth Sailing also allows cancellations up to 48 hours (prior departure) with receiving a full (100%) refund in FCC.

Itinerary of Virgin Voyages

In 2016, Virgin cruise line's itinerary program was not detailed yet, but Branson mentioned one destination that was on the list - the Caribbean. When asked about Cuba being a potential port destination, he immediately replied "Yes!". This also meant roundtrip departures from a Florida port.

In 2017 was announced that the first Virgin cruise ship ( Scarlet Lady ) will be initially homeported in PortMiami for 7-day Caribbean itineraries departing on Sundays. During the inaugural season 2020-2021, the liner was scheduled to visit Cuba. The company's decision was influenced by conducted customer and travel agency research in the UK and North America. All Virgin cruises to Cuba had to offer an overnight stay in Havana , allowing passengers ("sailors") to explore the country's capital and its unique nightlife.

• 5-day "Mayan Sol" itinerary visits Havana (overnight) and Costa Maya (Mexico) . In Mexico, shore excursions include scuba diving (coral reefs) and Mayan ruins.
• 5-day "Dominican Daze" itinerary visits Havana (overnight) and Puerto Plata (Dominicana) where shore tours include trekking, surfing, shopping.

The second Virgin ship ( Valiant Lady ) is homeported in Miami during 2022-2023 winter season.

On November 28, 2018, Richard Branson and Tom McAlpin announced in Miami the company's plans to build a new (Virgin-exclusive) cruise terminal in PortMiami. "Virgin Voyages Terminal" is sized 100,000 ft2 (9300 m2) and is on the seaport's northwest side.

Virgin Voyages passengers benefit from an impressive variety of cruises to choose from in the inaugural 2020 season of the line's new build . The 4- or 5-night "Havana After Dark" itineraries allow Sailors to explore the Cuban culture and include an overnight stay in Cuba's capital city.

• The 5-night "Mayan Sol" itinerary visits Costa Maya Mexico . The Mayan ruins are just a short distance from the port and colorful coral reefs lie just off-shore. Virgin Voyages partnered with ITM Group for the land tours.
• The 5-night "Dominican Daze" itinerary visits Puerto Plata . On the island are offered trekking, surfing and handicraft shopping tours.

All Virgin Caribbean cruises depart from homeport Miami Florida . Virgin ships are also seasonally deployed in Europe (via Transatlantic crossings), with planned visits to several major Mediterranean and UK ports (including Dover and Liverpool ).

However, following the 2019s (June 5 issued) US Government restrictions on USA to Cuba travel, Virgin Voyages revised all scheduled itineraries to exclude Havana . The new itineraries offer late-night call port departures (including a midnight departure) on all revised Caribbean voyages.

• 5-night "Riviera Maya" itinerary visits Playa Del Carmen (across Cozumel Island), with opportunities to explore archaeological and ecological sites or touring the neighbouring Tulum (walled Mayan city).
• 4-night "Fire and Sunset Soirees" (short-breaks) visit Key West Florida (sunset departure) and Bimini Bahamas (with a late-night beach bonfire party and midnight departure). The line's sailors can experience the cultural paradise of Key West, paired with an exclusive late-night beach bonfire soiree. The artistic fire installation draws inspiration from the fireball sculptures on Branson's Necker Island.
• 7-night itineraries (for 2020 Xmas holidays) include the themed cruises "Holidaze and Nights" and "New Year's Ahoy" visiting Puerto Plata Dominicana with Bimini Bahamas and San Juan Puerto Rico.

All Virgin Caribbean cruises visit Bimini Bahamas as a private island destination.

In April 2022 was announced that in winter 2023-2024, Resilient Lady will be deployed in Australia and New Zealand (Virgin brand's debut in the region). With homeporting in Melbourne , the roundtrip itineraries ranged between 2-14 nights. Some voyages also visited ports in Tasmania (Hobart, Burnie).

Valiant Lady's inaugural cruises 2022

Virgin's second ship ( Valiant Lady ) starts its inaugural season (2022/Maiden Voyage departs March 18th) with roundtrips leaving from Portsmouth England .

• 3-night "Long Weekender" to Zeebrugge Belgium
• 11-night "Coast the Canary Islands, Spain and Portugal"/UK to Iberia
• 12-night "Late Nights in Portugal and Spain"/UK to Iberia

Follows a Western Mediterranean deployment (May thru October 2022) based on homeporting in Barcelona and 7-day roundtrips (Sunday departures) visiting large port cities in France, Italy and Spain. Valiant Lady's Caribbean program is based on homeporting in Miami Florida USA and includes 2-week Transatlantic crossings on repositioning between Europe and USA (RepositionCruises.com).

• 8-night Eastern Caribbean itineraries (Miami roundtrips) are priced from USD 188 per night and visit Puerto Plata (Dominicana) , San Juan (Puerto Rico) , St Croix Island (USVI) and Bimini (Bahamas) .
• 6-night Western Caribbean itineraries (roundtrips from Miami) visit Roatan Island (Honduras) , Costa Maya (Mexico) and Bimini. Fares start at USD 192 per night.
• Special ( Christmas and New Year's ) itineraries and Atlantic Ocean crossings/relocation voyages are priced from USD 102 per night.

In the Caribbean, Virgin boats are homeported in Miami and all itineraries visit Bimini Bahamas as a private island destination.

Resilient Lady's inaugural cruises 2022

Virgin's third ship ( Resilient Lady ) starts its inaugural season (2022/Maiden Voyage departs August 14th) with roundtrips leaving from Piraeus-Athens (Greece) .

• The 7-day roundtrip "Greek Island Glow" itinerary visits the Greek islands Santorini, Rhodes, Crete (Chania) and Mykonos.
• The 7-day roundtrip "Adriatic Sea and Greek Gems" itinerary visits Croatia (Dubrovnik), Montenegro (Kotor), and Greece (Kerkyra/Corfu Island, and Argostoli/Kefalonia Island).
• The "Greek Isles" program (scheduled between August 14 - October 23) ends with the 11-day Transatlantic crossing from Europe to the Caribbean (from Lisbon to San Juan/departure November 1st).

The inaugural Caribbean season 2022-2023 (Nov 12 - April 15) is based on homeporting in San Juan Puerto Rico and 7-day roundtrips.

• The "Southeastern Caribbean Isles" itinerary visits Tortola Island BVI (Road Town), Guadeloupe (Pointe-a-Pitre), Barbados (Bridgetown), St Lucia (Castries) and Antigua (St Johns).
• The "Sunsets In The Lesser Antilles" itinerary visits St Kitts (Basseterre), Martinique (Fort-de-France), Curacao (Willemstad) and Aruba (Oranjestad).

In 2023-2024 (December-March), Resilient Lady was deployed in Australia. The program included three relocation itineraries from Europe to Asia and Australia (RepositionCruises.com) - 14-day from Athens to Dubai (Oct 22), 15-day from Dubai to Singapore (Nov 5) and 15-day from Singapore to Sydney NSW (Nov 20).

Itineraries 2024-2025

Virgin's 2024-2025 (April) schedule lists 19 maiden/new ports and 27 different itineraries in the UK, Australia/NZ, and the Caribbean. Among these are the "Seachange Series" (ship relocation voyages) providing extended sea travel opportunities.

Resilient Lady is homeported in Piraeus-Athens Greece (May through July 2024) for Aegean and Adriatic itineraries. In the summer (August through September 2024) Resilient Lady visits Bordeaux ,  La Coruna , and  Bilbao on the relocation voyage to England.

On February 26, 2024, Virgin Voyages canceled Resilient Lady's 2024-2025 Australian program, citing security concerns (due to the Red Sea war crisis) impacting the ship's scheduled repositioning voyages through the Suez Canal (between Europe and Australia/RepositionCruises.com). Virgin also announced that Resilient Lady (after completing the Mediterranean season on October 20th/2024) will be deployed in the Caribbean and homeported in San Juan (Puerto Rico) offering 7-8-10-11-night roundtrips to St Maarten, St Vincent, Colombia, and Dominica.

Valiant Lady (from  PortMiami  and  San Juan Puerto Rico ) offers Caribbean roundtrips (winter 2023-2024) and in April 2024.

Scarlet Lady in summer 2024 is deployed in the Mediterranean and has scheduled two repositioning voyages - from Barcelona to Civitavecchia-Rome, and a Transatlantic crossing to Miami for a new Caribbean deployement.

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Sailing to success: Virgin Voyages named best cruise line in the world (again!)

After becoming the first brand to ever sweep the Cruise Critic Cruisers’ Choice Awards earlier this year, Virgin Voyages is back to its award-winning ways and has been named the best cruise line in the world (large ships) in the Conde Nast Traveller Readers’ Choice Awards.

View this post on Instagram A post shared by Virgin Voyages (@virginvoyages)

As well as the Cruise Critic Cruisers’ Choice Awards, Virgin Voyages’ trophy cabinet is already bursting with accolades in 2023 including places on the Cosmopolitan Must-Visit List and the Conde Nast Traveler Hot List , as well as winning the number one best mega-ship ocean cruise line in the Travel + Leisure World’s Best Awards . Plus it was named Ocean Cruise Line of the Year at the Travel Industry Awards .

Virgin Voyages’ unique approach to sailing is winning hearts around the world. Its lady ships really do have something for everyone – whether you’re looking for a relaxing time where you can just switch off, or you want to party the night away.

Virgin Voyages’ exclusively adult ships – and all of the destinations it sails to – suit Sailors of all ages (unless they’re under 18, of course). The ships might be a playground for your inner child, but you won’t find any actual children onboard. Virgin Voyages has swapped kids menus for Michelin star chef curated menus because kids might be one of life’s great joys but Virgin Voyages believes absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Speaking of Michelin star chef curated menus, all of Virgin Voyages’ restaurants are included in the price of your voyage ­– and you won’t find a buffet in sight. With more than 20 eateries all bringing fresh ingredients and made-to-order cooking to the table, Virgin Voyages earns the seal of approval from foodies worldwide.

Want to set sail with the world’s best? Visit Virgin Voyages to find out more and book your next voyage.

Come aboard our adults-only cruises for a kids-free getaway at sea.

Children are one of life’s great joys, but on Virgin Voyages, we believe absence makes the heart grow fonder, especially while on a cruise vacation. That’s why, despite the fact that our adult only cruise ships are a playground for your inner child, we’ve chosen to curate an adults-only cruise experience.

Why We're the Best Cruise Line for Adults

Whether you choose to jumpstart the morning with a wheatgrass shot from Gym & Tonic or a Filthy Mary from The Red Bar, you can trust that any path you take will remain unobstructed by little feet. We’re proud of our design-forward eateries and bars and we created them specifically for adults, either for mingling with like-minded adventurers or for cozying up and reconnecting with the person you came aboard with. On top of the spaces themselves being kid-free havens, the menu items served within may also be a little advanced for the average tyke. Between hibachi crudo and filets at The Wake, carpaccio and truffle pasta at Extra Virgin, and mezcal pairings at Pink Agave, we keep our food and drink offerings mature and unexpected. And the best part? Dining is included in your voyage fare.

Fun Cruises for All Adult Lifestyles

The adults only lifestyle continues whenever we dock, with pages of Shore Things excursions tailored to sophisticated tastes in sight-seeing and cuisine in every port, whether you're a first time cruiser, traveling solo, or bringing the love on a couples cruise . While we know every child has a spark of genius, we don’t know many who’d be riveted by (or at least not get restless on) a medieval heritage tour through the white-stoned streets of Dubrovnik. From artisan honey-making in Ajaccio to sampling craft brews in Zeebrugge, every Virgin destination from A to Z boasts activities best enjoyed by those 18 and up.

Luxuries and Pleasures, All Designed for Adults

Once you’re back on the ship after a day of exploration, award-winning entertainment options will reinforce the wisdom of leaving the kids at home . We’re more “Romeo and Juliet reimagined in a circus” than themed character dinners, if you will; more immersive cabaret than 7 pm movie and jammies. But let’s be clear, being an adult means you vacation however you want, whenever you want. So if being in bed by 7 pm is your idea of the perfect evening, we encourage that.

And with free, reliable Wi-Fi available everywhere on our cruise ships, you’re just a video call away from any little ones you may have left on land, whether for a good night story, or a good night kiss. 

All Adult Cruise Experience

There you have it: our case for remaining an adult-only cruise experience . Aboard a Virgin Voyage , you can stretch out Lagoon-side with a drink in one hand and a book in the other (how many pages you’ve read is none of our business) without fear of a rogue cannonball spoiling the relaxation. According to Josh Rivera, Consumer Travel Editor for the USA Today, "It feels like an upscale PlayPlace for adults. In the best way possible. Different from other lines, Virgin’s vibe was engaging, and knowing that passengers were all there without kids, all looking to have a good time , changed the atmosphere."

2024 & 2025 Adult Cruise Vacations

Be sure to checkout our 2024 adult cruises, and 2025 cruises for adults , the possibilities are endless with over 100 dreamy destinations to select from. Set sail and enjoy  Caribbean cruises filled with sun, sand, and sea , or discover unforgettable Europe Cruises filled with scenic beauty and rich history . Take advantage of 2024 cruise deals, some with drink packages to enhance your vacation fun!

Ready to plan your dream adults-only vacation? Make it reality.

Adult Friendly Cruise

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Virgin Voyages launched a cruise designed for Gen Z - here's one 25-year-old's verdict

Oct 18, 2021 • 6 min read

Virgin Voyages cruise from Miami to Nassau and Bimini Beach in the Bahamas ©Getty Images

Making waves with its very direct approach to onboarding the next generation of cruisers, Virgin Voyages has finally launched its first of four ships in the US earlier this month. 

As someone squarely in their target demo, a novice cruiser under the age of 25, I accepted Virgin Voyages' invitation to be among the first to check out the new Scarlet Lady. The cruise was one of their new standard routes, four nights from Miami to Nassau and Bimini Beach in the Bahamas ; markedly different from the standard 7-10 night Caribbean trips you'll find on other cruise lines. 

What I found onboard was surprising and gave me definitive answers to the questions many travelers are pondering: Can Virgin Voyages actually bridge the generation gap and be considered cool?

Who is sailing on Virgin Voyages? 

18+ and fully vaccinated? Welcome aboard! Virgin Voyages adults-only scene changes up the attitude and energy of everyone onboard, giving the whole experience an exclusive, club vibe. The ship doesn't lack for anything you'd find on your standard cruise, with plenty of uniquely themed bars (a dozen to be exact), two pools, plenty of hot tubs and a nightclub as cool as any I've seen on more solid ground. The guests on my sailing were from all walks of life and notably younger. 

Will I have to wear a mask on board? 

It's really up to you regarding masks on board as masks are recommended but not required. Walking around the ship, you'd see about one in every 50 people onboard wore masks and all the staff is masked at all times. Though with a sweeping vaccine mandate for all passengers and crew as well as thorough testing prior to boarding from every port, Virgin is hoping to significantly reduce the risk of onboard outbreaks. At this point, a full vaccine mandate is not possible on cruises that include children, which makes Virgin Voyages among the safest travel experiences you can have now.

The new, affordable spring break destination

As soon as the Scarlet Lady departs US waters the drinking age becomes 18 and the ship is ready to party. The pricing for this cruise line is done a bit differently, charging for cabins that have the capacity for up to 3 passengers (or 'sailors' as the line refers to its passengers). With rates that hover around $1,300 per cabin for 4-5 night trips, Virgin is poised to become the perfect upscale yet affordable vacation for a friends group looking to experience some new destinations. 

What are the cabins like? Will I feel comfortable? 

For my stay, I was booked in the Sea Terrace cabin, which is their standard balcony cabin.  Although the bathroom was a little small, I appreciated the extra space in the stylish room. The cabin is high-tech and low-touch with a tablet that centralizes all the controls in the room including the lights, AC, the TV and the window shades. The mood of the cabin changes with a quick swipe as lighting presets add a playful touch with one designed for social media photoshoots and another for hangovers, maybe the most useful feature I found on this party ship. 

My favorite cabin feature? The red hammock on the terrace, perfect for lounging, watching the sea roll by. 

Will I be able to post easily on Instagram while onboard? 

Given that the ship was basically built for social media, Virgin was smart to make WiFi available and free to all guests. Premium and higher-speed WiFi packages are also available for a fee. The highest speed available is $40 for the whole voyage if purchased on the first day. While your social media channels will load perfectly with the free package, and posting is a breeze, working may be a challenge. Most video call services are either blocked by the cruise line or use up too much bandwidth to work as they would on land. Hopefully, you’re not working on vacation, but if you need to make that one important client video call, you may be in trouble.

What's the food like? 

Virgin really excels at atmosphere and the dining experiences at the all-inclusive onboard restaurants are distinct, unique and sexy. Favorites included the fresh Mexican fare at Pink Agave, and Gunbae, a Korean BBQ experience where you’re able to cook some of your own food. Each restaurant also features “Treat Yourself” options for an additional charge, think lobster, steak and oysters. The included food options, however, never left me wanting more. 

Will I have to bring my wallet around the ship to tip? 

There’s no need to tip when you go out to dinner or drinks onboard or at their private beach club (more on that later). This means even when you purchase an alcoholic beverage, you won’t need to add an extra tip and it won’t be automatically added to your account, as it would be on other cruise lines. I wanted to see what would happen if I tried to give my bartender a cash tip one night and they declined to take it. Use your discretion here.

The Beach Club at Bimini: the line's private island oasis

Expect classy, Vegas pool party vibes at Virgin Voyages' exclusive The Beach Club at Bimini, a destination on most of its voyages. The emphasis here is on fun, not necessarily relaxing. The music is loud, drinks are prominent and the free WiFi around the pool ensures easy access to social media. The music is great and goes beyond standard Top 40 hits and Caribbean beats. Plan to stay later into the night for the sunset bonfire, the perfect way to toast a day in paradise. 

Yes, you really can get a tattoo on the ship

That's right, they have a tattoo parlor onboard, Squid Ink, and it's real. Be sure to book ahead as the first and only chance to get your ink at sea fills up fast. 

The shows are actually fun

Every live performance I saw was fun and fully immersive. With at least one live performance nightly in the ship’s theater, there’s a good chance you won’t be able to catch them all.

The highlight for me was the ship's “Untitled Dance Party Show Thing”. The one-of-a-kind variety show makes the audience the spectacle as the space transforms into a dance club. The young crowd went wild for it and so did I; it may be one of the best live performances I’ve ever seen.

What's the overall vibe on the ship? 

Entertainment and performance is the star of the show aboard the Scarlet Lady.  Live entertainment seemingly pops up around every corner of the ship. 

Because of this atmosphere, there is no cruise director, instead, there is a “Happenings” cast made up of several personalities including “the Artist," “the Dancer,” “the Gamer” and more. They pop up throughout your journey and lead to fun and highly interactive experiences.

The Bottom Line

Virgin Voyages is offering a lot to differentiate them from some of the players in the industry, but at the end of the day, it is still a cruise. A very cool cruise though, worth the trip.

You might also like: As Virgin Voyages prepares to set sail, how do its COVID measures line up? As cruising restarts in the Caribbean, the pandemic ensures it's not all smooth sailing Venice formally bans large cruise ships from its historic city center

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Virgin Voyages cruise cabins and suites: Everything you want to know

True to its brand, Virgin Voyages does things a little differently than other cruise lines, and this ethos extends to its accommodations. Virgin Voyages' cabins sport a minimalist look with futuristic touches, and its suites exude a rock-n-roll vibe with in-room turntables and peekaboo showers.

While these cruise rooms may be unique in the cruise industry, you won't have trouble choosing your cabin or suite. Virgin offers a reasonable three styles of standard cabin and eight categories of suites, so your choice will be guided by your requirements around space, price and light.

Virgin also does not use standard cruise industry lingo to refer to its rooms. Inside cabins are Insider rooms, ocean views are Sea Views, and balconies are Sea Terrace cabins. Suites are RockStar Quarters. Many rooms can accommodate one to four guests, often in slightly unusual bed layouts, so pay attention if you're traveling in a pack and looking to save a few bucks on your cruise fare.

For cruise news, reviews and tips, sign up for TPG's cruise newsletter .

Whether this is your first cruise ever or your first with this cruise line, you'll want to familiarize yourself with Virgin Voyages' cabins and suites before you make that booking. Here's everything you need to know.

A Virgin Voyages cabin primer

Virgin Voyages sails three identical ships, with one more on the way by the end of 2023. Cabin categories and design are standard across the fleet, so if you're familiar with one ship, you're familiar with them all.

Here is a breakdown of the cabin types on Scarlet Lady , which should be the same across all the sister ships:

• Insider inside cabins: 105 (8%)
• Sea view outside cabins : 96 (7%)
• Sea Terrace balcony cabins: 1,051 (79%)
• RockStar Quarters suites: 78 (6%)

The cruise line caters to adults only; all passengers must be 18 years old. That means you won't find any family-focused accommodations. However, you will find Insider and Sea View cabins designed for solo passengers, with a 3/4 size bed (larger than a twin but smaller than a full.)

Other cabins and suites in all categories can sleep three or four guests. Groups who don't want to squeeze four into a room (and we wouldn't recommend it, given Virgin's tiny bathrooms and limited storage) can take advantage of connecting rooms.

Balcony cabins are designated either regular, extra-large, centrally located or limited-view, and your cruise fare will change depending on which you choose. Cheeky Corner and Suite Aft Suites are also divided into Pretty Big Terrace, Even Bigger Terrace and Biggest Terrace classes.

Related: The 5 most desirable cabin locations on any cruise ship

Accessible cabins are available in Insider, Sea View, Central Sea Terrace, Extra-Large Sea Terrace and Seriously Suite categories.

All Virgin Voyages cabins mix a hip yet minimalist design (think IKEA or micro hotel) with tech-forward accessories (such as an iPad that controls the A/C, curtains and mood lighting). The look is more spare than you'll find on other cruise lines that feature thick mattresses, fluffy duvets and faux-wood cabinetry in their cabins.

In standard cabins, the bed is modular – not only transforming from a queen bed to twins but also turning from a bed into an L-shaped lounging couch. In some quad layouts, a queen bed and an extra twin share the same headboard with a bunk overhead. The mattresses are rearranged on a long platform to form various arrangements; any uncovered portion of the platform serves as a nightstand or low table.

A triangular-with-rounded-edges odd-shaped white table serves as a desk and vanity in most standard cabins, with a round vegan leather stool beneath. It partially overlaps the shelving unit beneath that houses a mini-fridge and small shelves. Above is a round mirror and a shelf holding the room-controlling tablet.

Sea View and Sea Terrace cabins trade out the typical cruise ship cabin couch or love seat for a spare director's style chair with a faux leather partial back and a padded seat.

Virgin also skips a full wardrobe for a more minimalist closet area where a hanging rod and a two-shelf luggage rack with storage baskets are hidden behind a curtain. A narrow floor-to-ceiling wardrobe contains four slim drawers, shelves housing the safe, life jackets and extra linens and a full-length mirror.

It's not a lot of storage space — perfect for one, manageable for two and likely impossible for three or four.

Standard bathrooms are also tiny and lacking in storage space. The shower has one measly shelf and pump bottles of Red Flower shampoo, conditioner and body wash. It offers both a rain shower head and a wand. The rest of the tiny bathroom features a bowl sink and a small vanity where you can store toiletries if you move the hand towels somewhere else (possibly the shelf below with the garbage can).

The entire space is tight, even for average-sized people. If you need spacious loos, you will need to book a suite.

Virgin Voyages ships have eight types of suites, ranging from 352-square-foot Seriously Suites (which are essentially extra-spacious regular cabins with slightly nicer furnishings and a much larger bathroom) to the 2,147-square-foot Massive Suite with separate living and sleeping areas, a music room, and a gigantic terrace with a dining table (with steps up in case you want to pull a Richard Branson and dance on it) and hot tub.

Related: Why you should splurge for a suite on your next cruise

Suites are split into two categories — RockStar Quarters and Mega RockStar Quarters — which determine which additional perks come with your booking.

Virgin claims that 86% of its cabins feature private balconies, and if you can, you want to book one of these. Why? Because nearly every Sea Terrace comes with a sustainably sourced hammock that is extremely comfortable and unusual in the cruise industry — and for us, was the best part of the entire Virgin accommodation experience.

Inside cabins on Virgin Voyages cruise ships

Insider cabins are Virgin's name for windowless interior rooms . They measure 105 to 177 square feet and can sleep one (Solo Insiders) to four people (Social Insiders). As we mentioned above, the Solo Insiders have a 3/4-sized bed. The four-person arrangement is two twin beds arranged in an L shape head to head, with two bunkbeds also in L shape right above. The intent is for the lower beds to be made up as couches during the day and transformed into beds at night.

The room is laid out like a standard Scarlet Lady cabin, but on the far wall, where a window would be, there's a red, round art piece evocative of a porthole.

Ocean-view cabins on Virgin Voyages cruise ships

Sea View cabins are slightly bigger at 130 to 190 square feet and can sleep one to three people, with one pull-down bunk and beds that convert from a queen to two twins. They are arranged identically to the Insider cabins, except they have a large round porthole window with a window seat on the exterior wall.

Some Sea View cabins come in slightly different configurations, especially the rooms located where the ship's superstructure juts out at an angle. We toured one of these practically V-shaped rooms, which had one rectangular window rather than a full porthole. The window was on the same wall as the bed and chair, and the opposite wall had the desk, mini-fridge and mirror. The converging angle of the two walls made it a tight squeeze between the bed and the desk.

Related: Inside vs. outside cabin: Which affordable cruise room is best for you?

The bottom of the V, if you will, had a tall wardrobe and full-length mirror. The top of the V was the wall with the entry door, the bathroom and the closet hidden away in a tight corner by the window.

Balcony cabins on Virgin Voyages cruise ships

Virgin calls its balcony cabins Sea Terraces. They measure 185 to 225 square feet, including the 45-square-foot terrace. They can sleep two to four people, but there's only one bunkbed. To sleep four, two people will need to share a bed, the third bed will be perpendicular in an L shape (so three heads in close proximity) and the fourth is a bunk flush with the cabin wall above.

Sea Terraces share the layout of the other standard cabins, but the placement of the sleeping and living areas alternates in adjacent rooms. Some cabins have the bed by the bathroom and the desk by the balcony, while the rooms on either side will have the reverse layout, with the bed by the balcony and the desk by the bathroom.

Balconies are outfitted with two upright not-that-comfortable metal chairs and a circular drinks table just big enough for two glasses. The real attraction here is the full-size red hammock hung from the ceiling. A grown adult can easily lay out or simply sit and swing in the hammock. Be prepared to come to blows with your cabinmate over who gets the hammock first and for how long.

Related: Why it pays to upgrade your cruise ship cabin

Hammock fans should be aware that certain cabins at the front of each ship do not have a hammock due to constraints around the ship's steel structure and higher winds in these areas. Instead, these balconies have hanging "egg" chairs.

If you love your hammock so much you can't live without it, you can buy one on board. The custom-designed hammocks are handwoven by women in rural Thailand and sold by Yellow Leaf, an organization focused on community transformation and female empowerment.

Suites on Virgin Voyages cruise ships

Virgin Voyages' 78 RockStar Quarters are broken down as follows (based on Scarlet Lady's deck plans):

• Two Massive Suites
• Two Fab Suites
• Two Posh Suites
• nine Gorgeous Suites
• 18 Brilliant Suites
• 14 Cheeky Corner Suites (six Biggest Terrace, four Even Bigger Terrace and four Pretty Big Terrace suites)
• 24 Seriously Suites
• Seven Sweet Aft Suites (three Biggest Terrace, two Even Bigger Terrace and two Pretty Big Terrace suites)

The Sweet Aft, Seriously, Cheeky Corner and Brilliant suites are considered RockStar Quarters. They come with the following perks:

• Access to Richard's Rooftop sun deck with hot tubs and a bar
• Complimentary in-room bar setup (no refills)
• Priority access to dinner and event reservations, plus shore excursion signups
• RockStar agents (i.e. concierges) who can help you 24/7
• Priority embarkation

Gorgeous, Posh, Fab and Massive Suites are considered Mega RockStar Quarters. They come with all the RockStar perks plus additional benefits:

• A daily bar tab for complimentary drinks and bottles of wine throughout the ship
• Complimentary Thermal Suite access at the Redemption Spa
• Private transfers to the ship or free parking (depending on the departure port)
• A personal RockStar Agent
• Limitless in-room bar
• Premium Wi-Fi on Caribbean cruises, allowing streaming on up to two devices

The suite that's right for you will depend on your budget, the perks you value and where on the ship you wish to stay.

Related: How to snag cruise ship suites for less

Among the RockStar Quarters, the Seriously Suite is the most common suite type on board. It measures 352 square feet, including the balcony. It features a European king bed facing the floor-to-ceiling glass balcony doors, tall closet wardrobes, a brass vanity, a shelving unit with a turntable and bar setup and a window behind the bed looking into the extra-large shower. The bathroom is spacious with a marble tile look, and the terrace is only slightly larger than a standard one, with the same furnishings.

The Sweet Aft Suite ranges in size from 416 to 661 square feet, depending on the deck and the size of the balcony. The higher the deck, the bigger the suite and terrace. There's one Sweet Aft Suite on each deck between decks 8 and 14, and each is located smack in the center of the back of each deck.

These suites also have a bed facing the windows, but the bathroom is to the side with a shower porthole looking onto the oversized balcony. In addition to the standard hammock, the terrace features two padded lounge chairs, a couch and a round metal table (meant for Champagne) and chairs.

The Brilliant Suite measures 482 square feet and looks like an expanded version of the Seriously Suite. The extra space allows for a modular couch that can double as a bed; this suite can sleep up to four. Its balcony is slightly longer than the Seriously Suite's, meaning it can offer the larger Champagne table of the Brilliant Suite.

The Cheeky Corner Suite also comes in a range of sizes, 615 to 857 square feet, based on deck and balcony size. The 14 suites are at the back corners of the ship on decks 8 – 14, on either side of the Sweet Aft Suites.

Balconies wrap around the back and sides of the ships, and offer the same furnishings as the Sweet Afts but with the hammock tucked away in the side corner. Inside, the room has a corner sofa area and a large wardrobe.

Related: What not to do on a cruise balcony

All of the Mega RockStar Quarters are on Deck 15, directly beneath Richard's Rooftop, for easy access.

The Gorgeous Suite is the smallest at 570 square feet, and can sleep up to four. Its interior is similar to the Brilliant Suite, but the difference is in the balcony. The suite has a double-depth balcony with an outdoor shower and lounge chairs.

The Posh Suite measures 833 square feet, with living and sleeping areas divided by a wall. It can sleep four (the living room sofa can convert to a bed) and has a bath and a half (the master with a peekaboo shower looking into the bedroom and out the balcony doors beyond). The balcony is similar to the other suite terraces with lounge chairs, a hammock, Champagne table and chairs and a small couch.

The Fab Suite, at 950 square feet, is essentially an oversized version of the Posh Suite. The extra space allows for additional seating areas in both the living room and bedroom. It can also sleep four.

All the way forward on Deck 15, each of the two Massive Suites lives up to its name, coming in at a whopping 2,147 square feet. You enter the main living area with a circular couch seating area and a full bar. To one side is the music room, which can double as an extra bedroom; the suite sleeps up to four — that is if you don't stay up rocking out on the provided guitars all night. An adjacent guest bathroom is ideal for hosting parties.

On the other side, the master bedroom has privacy behind sliding doors and floor-to-ceiling windows. Just behind, the marble-tiled dressing area features two closets and a soaking tub; turn the corner to find the rest of the bathroom, complete with the signature windowed shower.

The also-massive terrace is your own private backyard with a hot tub, outdoor shower, dining table for six, two hammocks, circular couch seating and padded lounge chairs.

Bottom line

Virgin Voyages' cabins get the job done. However, its standard rooms won't keep you inside when the real fun is found in the ships' public areas. Their best feature is the hammock on every balcony.

For more spacious bathrooms, tricked-out terraces, lounge and seating spaces, and extra perks, upgrade to the RockStar Quarters. While you might want to bring the after-party back to your social living quarters, you miss out if you hide out in your upper-deck digs rather than immerse yourself in the entertainment and cozy hangouts found around Virgin Voyages' ships.

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10+ Virgin Voyages Tips and Things to Know Before You Sail

About to sail on a Virgin Voyages cruise? As we’ve explained before, there is a lot that’s different that you’ll want to know about before you step on board.

Some of the biggest differences — no kids allowed, wi-fi and gratuities included in the fare — are well known and advertised heavily. But there are also a lot of things you may not know before your cruise that are unique to Virgin.

That’s why we’ve created a helpful list of a dozen things that are great tips and things to know for the cruise line. If you’ve never sailed before Virgin, this list can help make you a pro in no time…

Pack Some Red For Your Wardrobe

The signature color on Virgin Voyages is red. You’ll see it everywhere from the logo to the lighting around the ship to the uniforms of some crew members. But one thing you’ll want to do is bring a little red of your own — best if it’s in a snazzy outfit.

One big feature of a Virgin cruise is Scarlet Night. You may have seen ’80s or neon-themed parties on other lines. In a twist, Scarlet Night is where you wear your best red and the ship turns into a red-themed party. There’s red lighting everywhere, entertainers performing around the ship, and everyone is dressed up.

What you don’t want to do is feel out of the loop by leaving your red at home. 

High Status on Another Line? See About a Match

One hard part of creating a new cruise line is getting customers that are loyal to another line to give it a shot. Since cruise lines give perks to customers that have sailed often, getting them to jump to try another is difficult.

To solve this, Virgin Voyages introduced “Experience Match.” If you’re someone with a high status on another line, then Virgin will provide a match that opens up the perks that the cruise line offers its own loyalty program guests. This can include things like bar credit, premium wi-fi, daily coffee credit, and more.

Now you will need to have fairly high status on another cruise line to get a match (for example, Platinum or higher on Carnival) so not everyone will be able to take advantage. But if you can, it’s a no-brainer.

Pay Attention to the Letter on Your Cabin Number

Finding your cabin on the ship can be a little confusing your first time sailing Virgin Voyages due to the numbering convention used.

First, instead of having odd numbered cabins on one side and even numbers on the other, the cruise line uses “A” for rooms on one side of the ship and “Z’ for the other side. Ships in the middle use “M.”

But if you are in room 5266A, there’s another room on the other side of the ship that’s 5266Z. And there could be a mid-ship room that’s 5266M. In other words, you need to pay attention to the entire room number, including the letter at the end.

Otherwise, it could be for some awkward conversations when you’re trying to open up the door to the wrong cabin late at night.

Reservations Are Tricky

When you’re on the ship, you’ll want to be thinking ahead of what you will do. The cruise line uses reservations for its sit-down restaurants and also for some shows. The available spots fill up quickly. If you wait until the day of a show or even just a couple of days before dinner, then you aren’t likely to get a spot.

That’s the bad news. The good news is there are ways to get around not having a reservation.

For shows, often the cruise line has the same performances multiple times during a cruise. So if you don’t see a spot available at first, look at the schedule for later in the cruise on the Virgin Voyages app to see if there are openings at another showtime.

As for restaurants, the cruise line leaves space open for walk-ins. Even if you don’t have a reservation, head down anyway to see if you can get a table. We did this twice during a four-day cruise and were seated immediately both times.

No Announcements, So Pay Attention

If you’re used to traditional cruise lines, one thing that might catch you off-guard is the lack of announcements. There’s no cruise director on the ship, so there’s not someone coming over the intercom every few hours to tell you what’s happening.

This also applies to notifications like when you can leave the ship when docked at a port of call. Instead, you simply need to keep an eye on the time and head down when the ship is scheduled to allow passengers off the ship — or when you see people already debarking.

For those that like having reminders, it can be a bit different. For those who get tired of the interruption of a full-ship announcement, it’s a nice change.

How to Use the Stairwells to Navigate

Many lines have hidden clues in cabin hallways to help you navigate. For instance, Norwegian Cruise Line uses the carpet design to point the way forward with fish swimming ahead or arrows pointing forward.

Virgin uses something similar. Look carefully and you’ll notice that the carpet in the stairwell/elevator areas is actually a different color. It’s red at the aft elevators, blue in the middle of the ship, and purple in the forward stairwell.

This way you can have an idea of where on the ship you are even if there are no windows or other clues to get your bearings.

Think of The Beach Club Port Stop as Two Days

If you sail from Miami, then your cruise will include a stop at The Beach Club. This is Virgin Voyages’ private destination on Bimini in The Bahamas. It features a huge pool area, plenty of spots to relax, and a wide stretch of white sand beach and electric blue water.

When you visit, you’ll only spend a day here. However, it can really be thought of as two days. Head out in the morning, and it feels like a relaxing beach resort. There aren’t a ton of people, the music is calm, and you have your run of the place. Lay in a hammock, swim on the beach, take a dip in the pool.

In the afternoon, things change a little. You can still find your place to relax, but the pool party starts up complete with a DJ, dancers from the entertainment team and dozens of inflatable floats. It’s a very different atmosphere.

Be Careful Booking a Room on Deck 8, Mid-Ship

If you are able to book a specific room on your cruise, there’s one spot we’d suggest you avoid at all costs — the middle of the ship on Deck 8.

Most of the time cruise lines are thoughtful about where they place cabins in relation to public spaces, but Virgin Voyages ships were built with a quirk. The Manor is a nightclub on the ship, and it takes up two decks — Decks 6 and 7. That means the roof of the hotspot is the floor of Deck 8 where there are cabins.

We were assigned a cabin here, and the bass from the nightclub reverberated through the walls, straight through the bed and seemingly right into our ear. Finally at about 1:30 a.m. on the first night, we went to the front desk to ask about changing rooms. Thankfully, the staff had another room and we moved immediately.

The better bet is just to avoid this spot on the ship unless you plan to be the one in the nightclub yourself. ( You can see a deck plan here. )

Talk to “Chart Room” Desk for Faster Service

Every ship has a Guest Services desk (on Virgin Voyages it’s called Sailor Services) that can help you with any question you might have on the ship. This can cover anything from having to switch rooms due to being over the nightclub to fixing your onboard account.

However, the lines here — especially at the beginning and end of the cruise — can be long on any ship. That’s why Virgin Voyages also has a second location that many people don’t realize.

If you need help with something, you can also stop by the Chart Room, located on Deck 7.  It’s not heavily advertised, but they are able to help with most questions, giving you a chance to get any issues taken care of without having to wait in line.

Internet Is Included, But Upgrade to Stream Video/Music

One great thing about the cruise is that a lot is included in the fare. This includes gratuities, all food, and wi-fi.

And truth be told, the wi-fi is solid. When we tested the speed, it only came in at 1.5 Mbps, but felt much faster. It also didn’t have issues with slowing down or dropping service as we’ve seen on other lines. The only drawback is that you can’t stream with the basic included wi-fi.

If you want to stream video or music, then you’ll need to upgrade. The cost is $15 per day and you can do it by the day or the entire trip. When we upgraded we reached speeds of around 6 Mbps and had no issues streaming such as buffering or lagging. It did take a few minutes of watching before the picture turned to sharp HD.

There’s no Keycard on Virgin, but The Band

If you’ve sailed other cruise lines, then you know that most have a credit card style room key. You use this to access your cabin, make purchases on the ship, and for disembarking.

Virgin Voyages uses something called The Band. Instead of a plastic card you have a stylish bracelet that you wrap around your wrist and keep on with the anchor clasp. If you don’t want to wear it on your wrist, you could also put it on a lanyard or just keep it in your pocket. It can be a little annoying as it wears a bit loose, but it is also nice not to have to dig into your pocket every time you want to get into the room.

Hot Tubs at the Back of the Ship Rarely Get Full

Want to have your own personal hot tub on the ship? It’s not really yours, but it may as well be.

The pool area on the ship can get crowded and it feels like there isn’t much seating either in the pool or around it. This includes the hot tubs. What we saw, however, was that during the cruise the two hot tubs at the back of the ship were largely forgotten. They were either empty or only had two people in them.

If you’re wanting a spot to relax and watch the sunset, it’s hard to beat this location.

More on Sailing Virgin Voyages:

• What to Expect on Virgin Voyages Compared to Other Cruise Lines (Differences, What to Know, & More)
• Virgin Voyages Live Blog: First Impressions of a Completely Different Cruise Line

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Cruise Anxiety? These Facts May Calm Your Biggest Fears

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Crying Myself to Sleep on the Biggest Cruise Ship Ever

Seven agonizing nights aboard the Icon of the Seas

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MY FIRST GLIMPSE of Royal Caribbean’s Icon of the Seas, from the window of an approaching Miami cab, brings on a feeling of vertigo, nausea, amazement, and distress. I shut my eyes in defense, as my brain tells my optical nerve to try again.

The ship makes no sense, vertically or horizontally. It makes no sense on sea, or on land, or in outer space. It looks like a hodgepodge of domes and minarets, tubes and canopies, like Istanbul had it been designed by idiots. Vibrant, oversignifying colors are stacked upon other such colors, decks perched over still more decks; the only comfort is a row of lifeboats ringing its perimeter. There is no imposed order, no cogent thought, and, for those who do not harbor a totalitarian sense of gigantomania, no visual mercy. This is the biggest cruise ship ever built, and I have been tasked with witnessing its inaugural voyage.

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“Author embarks on their first cruise-ship voyage” has been a staple of American essay writing for almost three decades, beginning with David Foster Wallace’s “A Supposedly Fun Thing I’ll Never Do Again,” which was first published in 1996 under the title “Shipping Out.” Since then, many admirable writers have widened and diversified the genre. Usually the essayist commissioned to take to the sea is in their first or second flush of youth and is ready to sharpen their wit against the hull of the offending vessel. I am 51, old and tired, having seen much of the world as a former travel journalist, and mostly what I do in both life and prose is shrug while muttering to my imaginary dachshund, “This too shall pass.” But the Icon of the Seas will not countenance a shrug. The Icon of the Seas is the Linda Loman of cruise ships, exclaiming that attention must be paid. And here I am in late January with my one piece of luggage and useless gray winter jacket and passport, zipping through the Port of Miami en route to the gangway that will separate me from the bulk of North America for more than seven days, ready to pay it in full.

The aforementioned gangway opens up directly onto a thriving mall (I will soon learn it is imperiously called the “Royal Promenade”), presently filled with yapping passengers beneath a ceiling studded with balloons ready to drop. Crew members from every part of the global South, as well as a few Balkans, are shepherding us along while pressing flutes of champagne into our hands. By a humming Starbucks, I drink as many of these as I can and prepare to find my cabin. I show my blue Suite Sky SeaPass Card (more on this later, much more) to a smiling woman from the Philippines, and she tells me to go “aft.” Which is where, now? As someone who has rarely sailed on a vessel grander than the Staten Island Ferry, I am confused. It turns out that the aft is the stern of the ship, or, for those of us who don’t know what a stern or an aft are, its ass. The nose of the ship, responsible for separating the waves before it, is also called a bow, and is marked for passengers as the FWD , or forward. The part of the contemporary sailing vessel where the malls are clustered is called the midship. I trust that you have enjoyed this nautical lesson.

I ascend via elevator to my suite on Deck 11. This is where I encounter my first terrible surprise. My suite windows and balcony do not face the ocean. Instead, they look out onto another shopping mall. This mall is the one that’s called Central Park, perhaps in homage to the Olmsted-designed bit of greenery in the middle of my hometown. Although on land I would be delighted to own a suite with Central Park views, here I am deeply depressed. To sail on a ship and not wake up to a vast blue carpet of ocean? Unthinkable.

Allow me a brief preamble here. The story you are reading was commissioned at a moment when most staterooms on the Icon were sold out. In fact, so enthralled by the prospect of this voyage were hard-core mariners that the ship’s entire inventory of guest rooms (the Icon can accommodate up to 7,600 passengers, but its inaugural journey was reduced to 5,000 or so for a less crowded experience) was almost immediately sold out. Hence, this publication was faced with the shocking prospect of paying nearly $19,000 to procure for this solitary passenger an entire suite—not including drinking expenses—all for the privilege of bringing you this article. But the suite in question doesn’t even have a view of the ocean! I sit down hard on my soft bed. Nineteen thousand dollars for this .

The viewless suite does have its pluses. In addition to all the Malin+Goetz products in my dual bathrooms, I am granted use of a dedicated Suite Deck lounge; access to Coastal Kitchen, a superior restaurant for Suites passengers; complimentary VOOM SM Surf & Stream (“the fastest Internet at Sea”) “for one device per person for the whole cruise duration”; a pair of bathrobes (one of which comes prestained with what looks like a large expectoration by the greenest lizard on Earth); and use of the Grove Suite Sun, an area on Decks 18 and 19 with food and deck chairs reserved exclusively for Suite passengers. I also get reserved seating for a performance of The Wizard of Oz , an ice-skating tribute to the periodic table, and similar provocations. The very color of my Suite Sky SeaPass Card, an oceanic blue as opposed to the cloying royal purple of the standard non-Suite passenger, will soon provoke envy and admiration. But as high as my status may be, there are those on board who have much higher status still, and I will soon learn to bow before them.

In preparation for sailing, I have “priced in,” as they say on Wall Street, the possibility that I may come from a somewhat different monde than many of the other cruisers. Without falling into stereotypes or preconceptions, I prepare myself for a friendly outspokenness on the part of my fellow seafarers that may not comply with modern DEI standards. I believe in meeting people halfway, and so the day before flying down to Miami, I visited what remains of Little Italy to purchase a popular T-shirt that reads DADDY’S LITTLE MEATBALL across the breast in the colors of the Italian flag. My wife recommended that I bring one of my many T-shirts featuring Snoopy and the Peanuts gang, as all Americans love the beagle and his friends. But I naively thought that my meatball T-shirt would be more suitable for conversation-starting. “Oh, and who is your ‘daddy’?” some might ask upon seeing it. “And how long have you been his ‘little meatball’?” And so on.

I put on my meatball T-shirt and head for one of the dining rooms to get a late lunch. In the elevator, I stick out my chest for all to read the funny legend upon it, but soon I realize that despite its burnished tricolor letters, no one takes note. More to the point, no one takes note of me. Despite my attempts at bridge building, the very sight of me (small, ethnic, without a cap bearing the name of a football team) elicits no reaction from other passengers. Most often, they will small-talk over me as if I don’t exist. This brings to mind the travails of David Foster Wallace , who felt so ostracized by his fellow passengers that he retreated to his cabin for much of his voyage. And Wallace was raised primarily in the Midwest and was a much larger, more American-looking meatball than I am. If he couldn’t talk to these people, how will I? What if I leave this ship without making any friends at all, despite my T-shirt? I am a social creature, and the prospect of seven days alone and apart is saddening. Wallace’s stateroom, at least, had a view of the ocean, a kind of cheap eternity.

Worse awaits me in the dining room. This is a large, multichandeliered room where I attended my safety training (I was shown how to put on a flotation vest; it is a very simple procedure). But the maître d’ politely refuses me entry in an English that seems to verge on another language. “I’m sorry, this is only for pendejos ,” he seems to be saying. I push back politely and he repeats himself. Pendejos ? Piranhas? There’s some kind of P-word to which I am not attuned. Meanwhile elderly passengers stream right past, powered by their limbs, walkers, and electric wheelchairs. “It is only pendejo dining today, sir.” “But I have a suite!” I say, already starting to catch on to the ship’s class system. He examines my card again. “But you are not a pendejo ,” he confirms. I am wearing a DADDY’S LITTLE MEATBALL T-shirt, I want to say to him. I am the essence of pendejo .

Eventually, I give up and head to the plebeian buffet on Deck 15, which has an aquatic-styled name I have now forgotten. Before gaining entry to this endless cornucopia of reheated food, one passes a washing station of many sinks and soap dispensers, and perhaps the most intriguing character on the entire ship. He is Mr. Washy Washy—or, according to his name tag, Nielbert of the Philippines—and he is dressed as a taco (on other occasions, I’ll see him dressed as a burger). Mr. Washy Washy performs an eponymous song in spirited, indeed flamboyant English: “Washy, washy, wash your hands, WASHY WASHY!” The dangers of norovirus and COVID on a cruise ship this size (a giant fellow ship was stricken with the former right after my voyage) makes Mr. Washy Washy an essential member of the crew. The problem lies with the food at the end of Washy’s rainbow. The buffet is groaning with what sounds like sophisticated dishes—marinated octopus, boiled egg with anchovy, chorizo, lobster claws—but every animal tastes tragically the same, as if there was only one creature available at the market, a “cruisipus” bred specifically for Royal Caribbean dining. The “vegetables” are no better. I pick up a tomato slice and look right through it. It tastes like cellophane. I sit alone, apart from the couples and parents with gaggles of children, as “We Are Family” echoes across the buffet space.

I may have failed to mention that all this time, the Icon of the Seas has not left port. As the fiery mango of the subtropical setting sun makes Miami’s condo skyline even more apocalyptic, the ship shoves off beneath a perfunctory display of fireworks. After the sun sets, in the far, dark distance, another circus-lit cruise ship ruptures the waves before us. We glance at it with pity, because it is by definition a smaller ship than our own. I am on Deck 15, outside the buffet and overlooking a bunch of pools (the Icon has seven of them), drinking a frilly drink that I got from one of the bars (the Icon has 15 of them), still too shy to speak to anyone, despite Sister Sledge’s assertion that all on the ship are somehow related.

Kim Brooks: On failing the family vacation

The ship’s passage away from Ron DeSantis’s Florida provides no frisson, no sense of developing “sea legs,” as the ship is too large to register the presence of waves unless a mighty wind adds significant chop. It is time for me to register the presence of the 5,000 passengers around me, even if they refuse to register mine. My fellow travelers have prepared for this trip with personally decorated T-shirts celebrating the importance of this voyage. The simplest ones say ICON INAUGURAL ’24 on the back and the family name on the front. Others attest to an over-the-top love of cruise ships: WARNING! MAY START TALKING ABOUT CRUISING . Still others are artisanally designed and celebrate lifetimes spent married while cruising (on ships, of course). A couple possibly in their 90s are wearing shirts whose backs feature a drawing of a cruise liner, two flamingos with ostensibly male and female characteristics, and the legend “ HUSBAND AND WIFE Cruising Partners FOR LIFE WE MAY NOT HAVE IT All Together BUT TOGETHER WE HAVE IT ALL .” (The words not in all caps have been written in cursive.) A real journalist or a more intrepid conversationalist would have gone up to the couple and asked them to explain the longevity of their marriage vis-à-vis their love of cruising. But instead I head to my mall suite, take off my meatball T-shirt, and allow the first tears of the cruise to roll down my cheeks slowly enough that I briefly fall asleep amid the moisture and salt.

I WAKE UP with a hangover. Oh God. Right. I cannot believe all of that happened last night. A name floats into my cobwebbed, nauseated brain: “Ayn Rand.” Jesus Christ.

I breakfast alone at the Coastal Kitchen. The coffee tastes fine and the eggs came out of a bird. The ship rolls slightly this morning; I can feel it in my thighs and my schlong, the parts of me that are most receptive to danger.

I had a dangerous conversation last night. After the sun set and we were at least 50 miles from shore (most modern cruise ships sail at about 23 miles an hour), I lay in bed softly hiccupping, my arms stretched out exactly like Jesus on the cross, the sound of the distant waves missing from my mall-facing suite, replaced by the hum of air-conditioning and children shouting in Spanish through the vents of my two bathrooms. I decided this passivity was unacceptable. As an immigrant, I feel duty-bound to complete the tasks I am paid for, which means reaching out and trying to understand my fellow cruisers. So I put on a normal James Perse T-shirt and headed for one of the bars on the Royal Promenade—the Schooner Bar, it was called, if memory serves correctly.

I sat at the bar for a martini and two Negronis. An old man with thick, hairy forearms drank next to me, very silent and Hemingwaylike, while a dreadlocked piano player tinkled out a series of excellent Elton John covers. To my right, a young white couple—he in floral shorts, she in a light, summery miniskirt with a fearsome diamond ring, neither of them in football regalia—chatted with an elderly couple. Do it , I commanded myself. Open your mouth. Speak! Speak without being spoken to. Initiate. A sentence fragment caught my ear from the young woman, “Cherry Hill.” This is a suburb of Philadelphia in New Jersey, and I had once been there for a reading at a synagogue. “Excuse me,” I said gently to her. “Did you just mention Cherry Hill? It’s a lovely place.”

As it turned out, the couple now lived in Fort Lauderdale (the number of Floridians on the cruise surprised me, given that Southern Florida is itself a kind of cruise ship, albeit one slowly sinking), but soon they were talking with me exclusively—the man potbellied, with a chin like a hard-boiled egg; the woman as svelte as if she were one of the many Ukrainian members of the crew—the elderly couple next to them forgotten. This felt as groundbreaking as the first time I dared to address an American in his native tongue, as a child on a bus in Queens (“On my foot you are standing, Mister”).

“I don’t want to talk politics,” the man said. “But they’re going to eighty-six Biden and put Michelle in.”

I considered the contradictions of his opening conversational gambit, but decided to play along. “People like Michelle,” I said, testing the waters. The husband sneered, but the wife charitably put forward that the former first lady was “more personable” than Joe Biden. “They’re gonna eighty-six Biden,” the husband repeated. “He can’t put a sentence together.”

After I mentioned that I was a writer—though I presented myself as a writer of teleplays instead of novels and articles such as this one—the husband told me his favorite writer was Ayn Rand. “Ayn Rand, she came here with nothing,” the husband said. “I work with a lot of Cubans, so …” I wondered if I should mention what I usually do to ingratiate myself with Republicans or libertarians: the fact that my finances improved after pass-through corporations were taxed differently under Donald Trump. Instead, I ordered another drink and the couple did the same, and I told him that Rand and I were born in the same city, St. Petersburg/Leningrad, and that my family also came here with nothing. Now the bonding and drinking began in earnest, and several more rounds appeared. Until it all fell apart.

Read: Gary Shteyngart on watching Russian television for five days straight

My new friend, whom I will refer to as Ayn, called out to a buddy of his across the bar, and suddenly a young couple, both covered in tattoos, appeared next to us. “He fucking punked me,” Ayn’s frat-boy-like friend called out as he put his arm around Ayn, while his sizable partner sizzled up to Mrs. Rand. Both of them had a look I have never seen on land—their eyes projecting absence and enmity in equal measure. In the ’90s, I drank with Russian soldiers fresh from Chechnya and wandered the streets of wartime Zagreb, but I have never seen such undisguised hostility toward both me and perhaps the universe at large. I was briefly introduced to this psychopathic pair, but neither of them wanted to have anything to do with me, and the tattooed woman would not even reveal her Christian name to me (she pretended to have the same first name as Mrs. Rand). To impress his tattooed friends, Ayn made fun of the fact that as a television writer, I’d worked on the series Succession (which, it would turn out, practically nobody on the ship had watched), instead of the far more palatable, in his eyes, zombie drama of last year. And then my new friends drifted away from me into an angry private conversation—“He punked me!”—as I ordered another drink for myself, scared of the dead-eyed arrivals whose gaze never registered in the dim wattage of the Schooner Bar, whose terrifying voices and hollow laughs grated like unoiled gears against the crooning of “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road.”

But today is a new day for me and my hangover. After breakfast, I explore the ship’s so-called neighborhoods . There’s the AquaDome, where one can find a food hall and an acrobatic sound-and-light aquatic show. Central Park has a premium steak house, a sushi joint, and a used Rolex that can be bought for $8,000 on land here proudly offered at $17,000. There’s the aforementioned Royal Promenade, where I had drunk with the Rands, and where a pair of dueling pianos duel well into the night. There’s Surfside, a kids’ neighborhood full of sugary garbage, which looks out onto the frothy trail that the behemoth leaves behind itself. Thrill Island refers to the collection of tubes that clutter the ass of the ship and offer passengers six waterslides and a surfing simulation. There’s the Hideaway, an adult zone that plays music from a vomit-slathered, Brit-filled Alicante nightclub circa 1996 and proves a big favorite with groups of young Latin American customers. And, most hurtfully, there’s the Suite Neighborhood.

I say hurtfully because as a Suite passenger I should be here, though my particular suite is far from the others. Whereas I am stuck amid the riffraff of Deck 11, this section is on the highborn Decks 16 and 17, and in passing, I peek into the spacious, tall-ceilinged staterooms from the hallway, dazzled by the glint of the waves and sun. For $75,000, one multifloor suite even comes with its own slide between floors, so that a family may enjoy this particular terror in private. There is a quiet splendor to the Suite Neighborhood. I see fewer stickers and signs and drawings than in my own neighborhood—for example, MIKE AND DIANA PROUDLY SERVED U.S. MARINE CORPS RETIRED . No one here needs to announce their branch of service or rank; they are simply Suites, and this is where they belong. Once again, despite my hard work and perseverance, I have been disallowed from the true American elite. Once again, I am “Not our class, dear.” I am reminded of watching The Love Boat on my grandmother’s Zenith, which either was given to her or we found in the trash (I get our many malfunctioning Zeniths confused) and whose tube got so hot, I would put little chunks of government cheese on a thin tissue atop it to give our welfare treat a pleasant, Reagan-era gooeyness. I could not understand English well enough then to catch the nuances of that seafaring program, but I knew that there were differences in the status of the passengers, and that sometimes those differences made them sad. Still, this ship, this plenty—every few steps, there are complimentary nachos or milkshakes or gyros on offer—was the fatty fuel of my childhood dreams. If only I had remained a child.

I walk around the outdoor decks looking for company. There is a middle-aged African American couple who always seem to be asleep in each other’s arms, probably exhausted from the late capitalism they regularly encounter on land. There is far more diversity on this ship than I expected. Many couples are a testament to Loving v. Virginia , and there is a large group of folks whose T-shirts read MELANIN AT SEA / IT’S THE MELANIN FOR ME . I smile when I see them, but then some young kids from the group makes Mr. Washy Washy do a cruel, caricatured “Burger Dance” (today he is in his burger getup), and I think, Well, so much for intersectionality .

At the infinity pool on Deck 17, I spot some elderly women who could be ethnic and from my part of the world, and so I jump in. I am proved correct! Many of them seem to be originally from Queens (“Corona was still great when it was all Italian”), though they are now spread across the tristate area. We bond over the way “Ron-kon-koma” sounds when announced in Penn Station.

“Everyone is here for a different reason,” one of them tells me. She and her ex-husband last sailed together four years ago to prove to themselves that their marriage was truly over. Her 15-year-old son lost his virginity to “an Irish young lady” while their ship was moored in Ravenna, Italy. The gaggle of old-timers competes to tell me their favorite cruising stories and tips. “A guy proposed in Central Park a couple of years ago”—many Royal Caribbean ships apparently have this ridiculous communal area—“and she ran away screaming!” “If you’re diamond-class, you get four drinks for free.” “A different kind of passenger sails out of Bayonne.” (This, perhaps, is racially coded.) “Sometimes, if you tip the bartender $5, your next drink will be free.”

“Everyone’s here for a different reason,” the woman whose marriage ended on a cruise tells me again. “Some people are here for bad reasons—the drinkers and the gamblers. Some people are here for medical reasons.” I have seen more than a few oxygen tanks and at least one woman clearly undergoing very serious chemo. Some T-shirts celebrate good news about a cancer diagnosis. This might be someone’s last cruise or week on Earth. For these women, who have spent months, if not years, at sea, cruising is a ritual as well as a life cycle: first love, last love, marriage, divorce, death.

Read: The last place on Earth any tourist should go

I have talked with these women for so long, tonight I promise myself that after a sad solitary dinner I will not try to seek out company at the bars in the mall or the adult-themed Hideaway. I have enough material to fulfill my duties to this publication. As I approach my orphaned suite, I run into the aggro young people who stole Mr. and Mrs. Rand away from me the night before. The tattooed apparitions pass me without a glance. She is singing something violent about “Stuttering Stanley” (a character in a popular horror movie, as I discover with my complimentary VOOM SM Surf & Stream Internet at Sea) and he’s loudly shouting about “all the money I’ve lost,” presumably at the casino in the bowels of the ship.

So these bent psychos out of a Cormac McCarthy novel are angrily inhabiting my deck. As I mewl myself to sleep, I envision a limited series for HBO or some other streamer, a kind of low-rent White Lotus , where several aggressive couples conspire to throw a shy intellectual interloper overboard. I type the scenario into my phone. As I fall asleep, I think of what the woman who recently divorced her husband and whose son became a man through the good offices of the Irish Republic told me while I was hoisting myself out of the infinity pool. “I’m here because I’m an explorer. I’m here because I’m trying something new.” What if I allowed myself to believe in her fantasy?

“YOU REALLY STARTED AT THE TOP,” they tell me. I’m at the Coastal Kitchen for my eggs and corned-beef hash, and the maître d’ has slotted me in between two couples. Fueled by coffee or perhaps intrigued by my relative youth, they strike up a conversation with me. As always, people are shocked that this is my first cruise. They contrast the Icon favorably with all the preceding liners in the Royal Caribbean fleet, usually commenting on the efficiency of the elevators that hurl us from deck to deck (as in many large corporate buildings, the elevators ask you to choose a floor and then direct you to one of many lifts). The couple to my right, from Palo Alto—he refers to his “porn mustache” and calls his wife “my cougar” because she is two years older—tell me they are “Pandemic Pinnacles.”

This is the day that my eyes will be opened. Pinnacles , it is explained to me over translucent cantaloupe, have sailed with Royal Caribbean for 700 ungodly nights. Pandemic Pinnacles took advantage of the two-for-one accrual rate of Pinnacle points during the pandemic, when sailing on a cruise ship was even more ill-advised, to catapult themselves into Pinnacle status.

Because of the importance of the inaugural voyage of the world’s largest cruise liner, more than 200 Pinnacles are on this ship, a startling number, it seems. Mrs. Palo Alto takes out a golden badge that I have seen affixed over many a breast, which reads CROWN AND ANCHOR SOCIETY along with her name. This is the coveted badge of the Pinnacle. “You should hear all the whining in Guest Services,” her husband tells me. Apparently, the Pinnacles who are not also Suites like us are all trying to use their status to get into Coastal Kitchen, our elite restaurant. Even a Pinnacle needs to be a Suite to access this level of corned-beef hash.

“We’re just baby Pinnacles,” Mrs. Palo Alto tells me, describing a kind of internal class struggle among the Pinnacle elite for ever higher status.

And now I understand what the maître d’ was saying to me on the first day of my cruise. He wasn’t saying “ pendejo .” He was saying “Pinnacle.” The dining room was for Pinnacles only, all those older people rolling in like the tide on their motorized scooters.

And now I understand something else: This whole thing is a cult. And like most cults, it can’t help but mirror the endless American fight for status. Like Keith Raniere’s NXIVM, where different-colored sashes were given out to connote rank among Raniere’s branded acolytes, this is an endless competition among Pinnacles, Suites, Diamond-Plusers, and facing-the-mall, no-balcony purple SeaPass Card peasants, not to mention the many distinctions within each category. The more you cruise, the higher your status. No wonder a section of the Royal Promenade is devoted to getting passengers to book their next cruise during the one they should be enjoying now. No wonder desperate Royal Caribbean offers (“FINAL HOURS”) crowded my email account weeks before I set sail. No wonder the ship’s jewelry store, the Royal Bling, is selling a $100,000 golden chalice that will entitle its owner to drink free on Royal Caribbean cruises for life. (One passenger was already gaming out whether her 28-year-old son was young enough to “just about earn out” on the chalice or if that ship had sailed.) No wonder this ship was sold out months before departure , and we had to pay $19,000 for a horrid suite away from the Suite Neighborhood. No wonder the most mythical hero of Royal Caribbean lore is someone named Super Mario, who has cruised so often, he now has his own working desk on many ships. This whole experience is part cult, part nautical pyramid scheme.

From the June 2014 issue: Ship of wonks

“The toilets are amazing,” the Palo Altos are telling me. “One flush and you’re done.” “They don’t understand how energy-efficient these ships are,” the husband of the other couple is telling me. “They got the LNG”—liquefied natural gas, which is supposed to make the Icon a boon to the environment (a concept widely disputed and sometimes ridiculed by environmentalists).

But I’m thinking along a different line of attack as I spear my last pallid slice of melon. For my streaming limited series, a Pinnacle would have to get killed by either an outright peasant or a Suite without an ocean view. I tell my breakfast companions my idea.

“Oh, for sure a Pinnacle would have to be killed,” Mr. Palo Alto, the Pandemic Pinnacle, says, touching his porn mustache thoughtfully as his wife nods.

“THAT’S RIGHT, IT’S your time, buddy!” Hubert, my fun-loving Panamanian cabin attendant, shouts as I step out of my suite in a robe. “Take it easy, buddy!”

I have come up with a new dressing strategy. Instead of trying to impress with my choice of T-shirts, I have decided to start wearing a robe, as one does at a resort property on land, with a proper spa and hammam. The response among my fellow cruisers has been ecstatic. “Look at you in the robe!” Mr. Rand cries out as we pass each other by the Thrill Island aqua park. “You’re living the cruise life! You know, you really drank me under the table that night.” I laugh as we part ways, but my soul cries out, Please spend more time with me, Mr. and Mrs. Rand; I so need the company .

In my white robe, I am a stately presence, a refugee from a better limited series, a one-man crossover episode. (Only Suites are granted these robes to begin with.) Today, I will try many of the activities these ships have on offer to provide their clientele with a sense of never-ceasing motion. Because I am already at Thrill Island, I decide to climb the staircase to what looks like a mast on an old-fashioned ship (terrified, because I am afraid of heights) to try a ride called “Storm Chasers,” which is part of the “Category 6” water park, named in honor of one of the storms that may someday do away with the Port of Miami entirely. Storm Chasers consists of falling from the “mast” down a long, twisting neon tube filled with water, like being the camera inside your own colonoscopy, as you hold on to the handles of a mat, hoping not to die. The tube then flops you down headfirst into a trough of water, a Royal Caribbean baptism. It both knocks my breath out and makes me sad.

In keeping with the aquatic theme, I attend a show at the AquaDome. To the sound of “Live and Let Die,” a man in a harness gyrates to and fro in the sultry air. I saw something very similar in the back rooms of the famed Berghain club in early-aughts Berlin. Soon another harnessed man is gyrating next to the first. Ja , I think to myself, I know how this ends. Now will come the fisting , natürlich . But the show soon devolves into the usual Marvel-film-grade nonsense, with too much light and sound signifying nichts . If any fisting is happening, it is probably in the Suite Neighborhood, inside a cabin marked with an upside-down pineapple, which I understand means a couple are ready to swing, and I will see none of it.

I go to the ice show, which is a kind of homage—if that’s possible—to the periodic table, done with the style and pomp and masterful precision that would please the likes of Kim Jong Un, if only he could afford Royal Caribbean talent. At one point, the dancers skate to the theme song of Succession . “See that!” I want to say to my fellow Suites—at “cultural” events, we have a special section reserved for us away from the commoners—“ Succession ! It’s even better than the zombie show! Open your minds!”

Finally, I visit a comedy revue in an enormous and too brightly lit version of an “intimate,” per Royal Caribbean literature, “Manhattan comedy club.” Many of the jokes are about the cruising life. “I’ve lived on ships for 20 years,” one of the middle-aged comedians says. “I can only see so many Filipino homosexuals dressed as a taco.” He pauses while the audience laughs. “I am so fired tonight,” he says. He segues into a Trump impression and then Biden falling asleep at the microphone, which gets the most laughs. “Anyone here from Fort Leonard Wood?” another comedian asks. Half the crowd seems to cheer. As I fall asleep that night, I realize another connection I have failed to make, and one that may explain some of the diversity on this vessel—many of its passengers have served in the military.

As a coddled passenger with a suite, I feel like I am starting to understand what it means to have a rank and be constantly reminded of it. There are many espresso makers , I think as I look across the expanse of my officer-grade quarters before closing my eyes, but this one is mine .

A shocking sight greets me beyond the pools of Deck 17 as I saunter over to the Coastal Kitchen for my morning intake of slightly sour Americanos. A tiny city beneath a series of perfectly pressed green mountains. Land! We have docked for a brief respite in Basseterre, the capital of St. Kitts and Nevis. I wolf down my egg scramble to be one of the first passengers off the ship. Once past the gangway, I barely refrain from kissing the ground. I rush into the sights and sounds of this scruffy island city, sampling incredible conch curry and buckets of non-Starbucks coffee. How wonderful it is to be where God intended humans to be: on land. After all, I am neither a fish nor a mall rat. This is my natural environment. Basseterre may not be Havana, but there are signs of human ingenuity and desire everywhere you look. The Black Table Grill Has been Relocated to Soho Village, Market Street, Directly Behind of, Gary’s Fruits and Flower Shop. Signed. THE PORK MAN reads a sign stuck to a wall. Now, that is how you write a sign. A real sign, not the come-ons for overpriced Rolexes that blink across the screens of the Royal Promenade.

“Hey, tie your shoestring!” a pair of laughing ladies shout to me across the street.

“Thank you!” I shout back. Shoestring! “Thank you very much.”

A man in Independence Square Park comes by and asks if I want to play with his monkey. I haven’t heard that pickup line since the Penn Station of the 1980s. But then he pulls a real monkey out of a bag. The monkey is wearing a diaper and looks insane. Wonderful , I think, just wonderful! There is so much life here. I email my editor asking if I can remain on St. Kitts and allow the Icon to sail off into the horizon without me. I have even priced a flight home at less than $300, and I have enough material from the first four days on the cruise to write the entire story. “It would be funny …” my editor replies. “Now get on the boat.”

As I slink back to the ship after my brief jailbreak, the locals stand under umbrellas to gaze at and photograph the boat that towers over their small capital city. The limousines of the prime minister and his lackeys are parked beside the gangway. St. Kitts, I’ve been told, is one of the few islands that would allow a ship of this size to dock.

“We hear about all the waterslides,” a sweet young server in one of the cafés told me. “We wish we could go on the ship, but we have to work.”

“I want to stay on your island,” I replied. “I love it here.”

But she didn’t understand how I could possibly mean that.

“WASHY, WASHY, so you don’t get stinky, stinky!” kids are singing outside the AquaDome, while their adult minders look on in disapproval, perhaps worried that Mr. Washy Washy is grooming them into a life of gayness. I heard a southern couple skip the buffet entirely out of fear of Mr. Washy Washy.

Meanwhile, I have found a new watering hole for myself, the Swim & Tonic, the biggest swim-up bar on any cruise ship in the world. Drinking next to full-size, nearly naked Americans takes away one’s own self-consciousness. The men have curvaceous mom bodies. The women are equally un-shy about their sprawling physiques.

Today I’ve befriended a bald man with many children who tells me that all of the little trinkets that Royal Caribbean has left us in our staterooms and suites are worth a fortune on eBay. “Eighty dollars for the water bottle, 60 for the lanyard,” the man says. “This is a cult.”

“Tell me about it,” I say. There is, however, a clientele for whom this cruise makes perfect sense. For a large middle-class family (he works in “supply chains”), seven days in a lower-tier cabin—which starts at $1,800 a person—allow the parents to drop off their children in Surfside, where I imagine many young Filipina crew members will take care of them, while the parents are free to get drunk at a swim-up bar and maybe even get intimate in their cabin. Cruise ships have become, for a certain kind of hardworking family, a form of subsidized child care.

There is another man I would like to befriend at the Swim & Tonic, a tall, bald fellow who is perpetually inebriated and who wears a necklace studded with little rubber duckies in sunglasses, which, I am told, is a sort of secret handshake for cruise aficionados. Tomorrow, I will spend more time with him, but first the ship docks at St. Thomas, in the U.S. Virgin Islands. Charlotte Amalie, the capital, is more charming in name than in presence, but I still all but jump off the ship to score a juicy oxtail and plantains at the well-known Petite Pump Room, overlooking the harbor. From one of the highest points in the small city, the Icon of the Seas appears bigger than the surrounding hills.

I usually tan very evenly, but something about the discombobulation of life at sea makes me forget the regular application of sunscreen. As I walk down the streets of Charlotte Amalie in my fluorescent Icon of the Seas cap, an old Rastafarian stares me down. “Redneck,” he hisses.

“No,” I want to tell him, as I bring a hand up to my red neck, “that’s not who I am at all. On my island, Mannahatta, as Whitman would have it, I am an interesting person living within an engaging artistic milieu. I do not wish to use the Caribbean as a dumping ground for the cruise-ship industry. I love the work of Derek Walcott. You don’t understand. I am not a redneck. And if I am, they did this to me.” They meaning Royal Caribbean? Its passengers? The Rands?

“They did this to me!”

Back on the Icon, some older matrons are muttering about a run-in with passengers from the Celebrity cruise ship docked next to us, the Celebrity Apex. Although Celebrity Cruises is also owned by Royal Caribbean, I am made to understand that there is a deep fratricidal beef between passengers of the two lines. “We met a woman from the Apex,” one matron says, “and she says it was a small ship and there was nothing to do. Her face was as tight as a 19-year-old’s, she had so much surgery.” With those words, and beneath a cloudy sky, humidity shrouding our weathered faces and red necks, we set sail once again, hopefully in the direction of home.

THERE ARE BARELY 48 HOURS LEFT to the cruise, and the Icon of the Seas’ passengers are salty. They know how to work the elevators. They know the Washy Washy song by heart. They understand that the chicken gyro at “Feta Mediterranean,” in the AquaDome Market, is the least problematic form of chicken on the ship.

The passengers have shed their INAUGURAL CRUISE T-shirts and are now starting to evince political opinions. There are caps pledging to make America great again and T-shirts that celebrate words sometimes attributed to Patrick Henry: “The Constitution is not an instrument for the government to restrain the people; it is an instrument for the people to restrain the government.” With their preponderance of FAMILY FLAG FAITH FRIENDS FIREARMS T-shirts, the tables by the crepe station sometimes resemble the Capitol Rotunda on January 6. The Real Anthony Fauci , by Robert F. Kennedy Jr., appears to be a popular form of literature, especially among young men with very complicated versions of the American flag on their T-shirts. Other opinions blend the personal and the political. “Someone needs to kill Washy guy, right?” a well-dressed man in the elevator tells me, his gray eyes radiating nothing. “Just beat him to death. Am I right?” I overhear the male member of a young couple whisper, “There goes that freak” as I saunter by in my white spa robe, and I decide to retire it for the rest of the cruise.

I visit the Royal Bling to see up close the $100,000 golden chalice that entitles you to free drinks on Royal Caribbean forever. The pleasant Serbian saleslady explains that the chalice is actually gold-plated and covered in white zirconia instead of diamonds, as it would otherwise cost $1 million. “If you already have everything,” she explains, “this is one more thing you can get.”

I believe that anyone who works for Royal Caribbean should be entitled to immediate American citizenship. They already speak English better than most of the passengers and, per the Serbian lady’s sales pitch above, better understand what America is as well. Crew members like my Panamanian cabin attendant seem to work 24 hours a day. A waiter from New Delhi tells me that his contract is six months and three weeks long. After a cruise ends, he says, “in a few hours, we start again for the next cruise.” At the end of the half a year at sea, he is allowed a two-to-three-month stay at home with his family. As of 2019, the median income for crew members was somewhere in the vicinity of $20,000, according to a major business publication. Royal Caribbean would not share the current median salary for its crew members, but I am certain that it amounts to a fraction of the cost of a Royal Bling gold-plated, zirconia-studded chalice.

And because most of the Icon’s hyper-sanitized spaces are just a frittata away from being a Delta lounge, one forgets that there are actual sailors on this ship, charged with the herculean task of docking it in port. “Having driven 100,000-ton aircraft carriers throughout my career,” retired Admiral James G. Stavridis, the former NATO Supreme Allied Commander Europe, writes to me, “I’m not sure I would even know where to begin with trying to control a sea monster like this one nearly three times the size.” (I first met Stavridis while touring Army bases in Germany more than a decade ago.)

Today, I decide to head to the hot tub near Swim & Tonic, where some of the ship’s drunkest reprobates seem to gather (the other tubs are filled with families and couples). The talk here, like everywhere else on the ship, concerns football, a sport about which I know nothing. It is apparent that four teams have recently competed in some kind of finals for the year, and that two of them will now face off in the championship. Often when people on the Icon speak, I will try to repeat the last thing they said with a laugh or a nod of disbelief. “Yes, 20-yard line! Ha!” “Oh my God, of course, scrimmage.”

Soon we are joined in the hot tub by the late-middle-age drunk guy with the duck necklace. He is wearing a bucket hat with the legend HAWKEYES , which, I soon gather, is yet another football team. “All right, who turned me in?” Duck Necklace says as he plops into the tub beside us. “I get a call in the morning,” he says. “It’s security. Can you come down to the dining room by 10 a.m.? You need to stay away from the members of this religious family.” Apparently, the gregarious Duck Necklace had photobombed the wrong people. There are several families who present as evangelical Christians or practicing Muslims on the ship. One man, evidently, was not happy that Duck Necklace had made contact with his relatives. “It’s because of religious stuff; he was offended. I put my arm around 20 people a day.”

Everyone laughs. “They asked me three times if I needed medication,” he says of the security people who apparently interrogated him in full view of others having breakfast.

Another hot-tub denizen suggests that he should have asked for fentanyl. After a few more drinks, Duck Necklace begins to muse about what it would be like to fall off the ship. “I’m 62 and I’m ready to go,” he says. “I just don’t want a shark to eat me. I’m a huge God guy. I’m a Bible guy. There’s some Mayan theory squaring science stuff with religion. There is so much more to life on Earth.” We all nod into our Red Stripes.

“I never get off the ship when we dock,” he says. He tells us he lost $6,000 in the casino the other day. Later, I look him up, and it appears that on land, he’s a financial adviser in a crisp gray suit, probably a pillar of his North Chicago community.

THE OCEAN IS TEEMING with fascinating life, but on the surface it has little to teach us. The waves come and go. The horizon remains ever far away.

I am constantly told by my fellow passengers that “everybody here has a story.” Yes, I want to reply, but everybody everywhere has a story. You, the reader of this essay, have a story, and yet you’re not inclined to jump on a cruise ship and, like Duck Necklace, tell your story to others at great pitch and volume. Maybe what they’re saying is that everybody on this ship wants to have a bigger, more coherent, more interesting story than the one they’ve been given. Maybe that’s why there’s so much signage on the doors around me attesting to marriages spent on the sea. Maybe that’s why the Royal Caribbean newsletter slipped under my door tells me that “this isn’t a vacation day spent—it’s bragging rights earned.” Maybe that’s why I’m so lonely.

Today is a big day for Icon passengers. Today the ship docks at Royal Caribbean’s own Bahamian island, the Perfect Day at CocoCay. (This appears to be the actual name of the island.) A comedian at the nightclub opined on what his perfect day at CocoCay would look like—receiving oral sex while learning that his ex-wife had been killed in a car crash (big laughter). But the reality of the island is far less humorous than that.

One of the ethnic tristate ladies in the infinity pool told me that she loved CocoCay because it had exactly the same things that could be found on the ship itself. This proves to be correct. It is like the Icon, but with sand. The same tired burgers, the same colorful tubes conveying children and water from Point A to B. The same swim-up bar at its Hideaway ($140 for admittance, no children allowed; Royal Caribbean must be printing money off its clientele). “There was almost a fight at The Wizard of Oz ,” I overhear an elderly woman tell her companion on a chaise lounge. Apparently one of the passengers began recording Royal Caribbean’s intellectual property and “three guys came after him.”

I walk down a pathway to the center of the island, where a sign reads DO NOT ENTER: YOU HAVE REACHED THE BOUNDARY OF ADVENTURE . I hear an animal scampering in the bushes. A Royal Caribbean worker in an enormous golf cart soon chases me down and takes me back to the Hideaway, where I run into Mrs. Rand in a bikini. She becomes livid telling me about an altercation she had the other day with a woman over a towel and a deck chair. We Suites have special towel privileges; we do not have to hand over our SeaPass Card to score a towel. But the Rands are not Suites. “People are so entitled here,” Mrs. Rand says. “It’s like the airport with all its classes.” “You see,” I want to say, “this is where your husband’s love of Ayn Rand runs into the cruelties and arbitrary indignities of unbridled capitalism.” Instead we make plans to meet for a final drink in the Schooner Bar tonight (the Rands will stand me up).

Back on the ship, I try to do laps, but the pool (the largest on any cruise ship, naturally) is fully trashed with the detritus of American life: candy wrappers, a slowly dissolving tortilla chip, napkins. I take an extra-long shower in my suite, then walk around the perimeter of the ship on a kind of exercise track, past all the alluring lifeboats in their yellow-and-white livery. Maybe there is a dystopian angle to the HBO series that I will surely end up pitching, one with shades of WALL-E or Snowpiercer . In a collapsed world, a Royal Caribbean–like cruise liner sails from port to port, collecting new shipmates and supplies in exchange for the precious energy it has on board. (The actual Icon features a new technology that converts passengers’ poop into enough energy to power the waterslides . In the series, this shitty technology would be greatly expanded.) A very young woman (18? 19?), smart and lonely, who has only known life on the ship, walks along the same track as I do now, contemplating jumping off into the surf left by its wake. I picture reusing Duck Necklace’s words in the opening shot of the pilot. The girl is walking around the track, her eyes on the horizon; maybe she’s highborn—a Suite—and we hear the voice-over: “I’m 19 and I’m ready to go. I just don’t want a shark to eat me.”

Before the cruise is finished, I talk to Mr. Washy Washy, or Nielbert of the Philippines. He is a sweet, gentle man, and I thank him for the earworm of a song he has given me and for keeping us safe from the dreaded norovirus. “This is very important to me, getting people to wash their hands,” he tells me in his burger getup. He has dreams, as an artist and a performer, but they are limited in scope. One day he wants to dress up as a piece of bacon for the morning shift.

THE MAIDEN VOYAGE OF THE TITANIC (the Icon of the Seas is five times as large as that doomed vessel) at least offered its passengers an exciting ending to their cruise, but when I wake up on the eighth day, all I see are the gray ghosts that populate Miami’s condo skyline. Throughout my voyage, my writer friends wrote in to commiserate with me. Sloane Crosley, who once covered a three-day spa mini-cruise for Vogue , tells me she felt “so very alone … I found it very untethering.” Gideon Lewis-Kraus writes in an Instagram comment: “When Gary is done I think it’s time this genre was taken out back and shot.” And he is right. To badly paraphrase Adorno: After this, no more cruise stories. It is unfair to put a thinking person on a cruise ship. Writers typically have difficult childhoods, and it is cruel to remind them of the inherent loneliness that drove them to writing in the first place. It is also unseemly to write about the kind of people who go on cruises. Our country does not provide the education and upbringing that allow its citizens an interior life. For the creative class to point fingers at the large, breasty gentlemen adrift in tortilla-chip-laden pools of water is to gather a sour harvest of low-hanging fruit.

A day or two before I got off the ship, I decided to make use of my balcony, which I had avoided because I thought the view would only depress me further. What I found shocked me. My suite did not look out on Central Park after all. This entire time, I had been living in the ship’s Disneyland, Surfside, the neighborhood full of screaming toddlers consuming milkshakes and candy. And as I leaned out over my balcony, I beheld a slight vista of the sea and surf that I thought I had been missing. It had been there all along. The sea was frothy and infinite and blue-green beneath the span of a seagull’s wing. And though it had been trod hard by the world’s largest cruise ship, it remained.

This article appears in the May 2024 print edition with the headline “A Meatball at Sea.” When you buy a book using a link on this page, we receive a commission. Thank you for supporting The Atlantic.