celebrity cruise line free wifi

Celebrity Cruise Internet Package Speed Test & Review

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Celebrity Cruises has made it easier than ever to stay connected at sea.

When you cruise with Celebrity’s “All Included” fare , you’ll receive Basic WiFi, gratuities, and the Classic Drinks Package with your base fare.

Celebrity Cruises uses Starlink internet service for some of the fastest internet speeds at sea.

But how fast is the Celebrity Cruises internet package? And should you upgrade to Premium?

Keep reading to find out more about Celebrity’s WiFi Packages.

Table of Contents

Celebrity Cruise Internet Package

Celebrity offers two internet packages for passengers: Basic WiFi or Premium WiFi.

Beginning November 17, 2020, the cruise line began including Basic WiFi with every cruise ticket as part of Celebrity Cruises All Included fare. With the new ticket pricing, all guests on Celebrity will receive WiFi, the  Celebrity’s Classic Drinks Package , and gratuities included with your cruise fare.

Every cruise ship in Celebrity Cruises fleet uses Starlink internet service to provide guests with high-speed internet access. The fast and reliable Starlink WiFi is a massive improvement over the traditional cruise ship internet.

Celebrity Cruises offers two intent packages, Basic and Premium WiFi.

Basic Wi-Fi

Celebrity Cruises Basic WiFi package provides access to web browsing, email, and messaging apps. It’s an excellent option for staying connected if you don’t need video calling, social media, or streaming.

It’s important to remember that the Basic internet package limits your internet usage. While you can browse for unlimited time, the cruise line throttles internet speeds and blocks access to several websites, including social media and streaming services.

Basic WiFi on Celebrity Cruises costs $20 per person per day but is free when you book through the Always included fare.

Passengers who require access to streaming services, social media, or video calls should consider upgrading to Premium.

Premium Wi-Fi

Upgrading to the Premium WiFi Package allows you to access the same web functions included with the Basic WiFi with video chat, social media, and streaming.

In August 2023, we sailed to Alaska on Celebrity Equinox. Alaska is known to have slower internet speeds, as satellite internet providers provide less service. But, thanks to Starlink internet service, we could stream Netflix, Amazon Prime, and Spotify without issue.

The Premium WiFi package costs $35 per person per day. If you purchase the Always included fare, you can upgrade to the Premium package at a discounted rate.

You can upgrade from basic to Premium, which costs $9.99 per person per day.

How Fast is Celebrity Cruises WiFi?

While on  Celebrity Equinox , I tested the internet speeds of the Premium WiFi to compare them to those of other cruise lines.

I conducted several speed tests throughout the cruise, using  SpeedTest.net  on my laptop and Android phone. I ran tests at different times of day to account for the time of day and the ship’s position.

I consistently found download speeds of 10-15 Mbps, similar to sister cruise line  Royal Caribbean’s Voom internet at sea . Remember that I tested the internet speeds in Alaska, which has slower internet connections than the Caribbean, Bahamas, or Mediterranean.

Passengers sailing in the Caribbean have reported speeds as high as 50 to 100 Mbps.

Thanks to Starlink’s internet service, the WiFi speeds on Celebrity Cruises are exceptionally fast. We could stream Netflix, Amazon Prime, and Disney Plus from our balcony in Alaska.

We did notice that some videos and movies took slightly longer to buffer than we are used to. However, the internet service was better than expected for a moving cruise ship sailing in the middle of the ocean receiving internet from a satellite.

How to Upgrade to Premium WiFi?

If you’ve booked your cruise with the Always Included package and want to upgrade from Basic WiFi to Premium, you can do so from the  Cruise Planner .

The upgrade charge is $9.99 per person per day. It’s important to note that you can only upgrade from your cruise planner once you have paid in full.

Alternatively, you can upgrade the internet package once onboard the cruise ship. Simply visit Guest Services, and they will help get you set up.

If you have any issues connecting to the onboard WiFi, Guest Services will help you connect your device.

Is It Worth Upgrading to Premium WiFi?

Suppose you already have the basic internet package through the Always Included cruise fare. In that case, you may wonder if upgrading to Premium WiFi is worth upgrading at $9.99 per person per day when purchased before the cruise.

Upgrading to Premium costs $69.93 per person for a 7-day cruise.

You can upgrade your internet package by Celebrity Cruises Contact Center before your cruise or visit the iLounge when on the cruise ship.

If you plan to video chat, use social media, or stream videos, music, and audio, you’ll want to consider upgrading to the premium package. If you want faster internet speeds, upgrading before sailing is best to get the cheaper rate.

Cruise lines, like Celebrity, throttle internet speeds on the lower tier packages. Further, the cruise line blocks social media sites and streaming services for Basic WiFi users. If you want full internet service, you should upgrade to Premium.

We always upgrade to the Premium package. The premium internet plan has faster internet speeds and makes it more enjoyable to browse the web.

Marcello De Lio

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We just got off the Celebrity Edge (Auckland-Sydney). The premium Internet service was fast enough to let me send ALL of my photos home in a couple of hours (usually about 200 23MB RAW files). You can only be connected on one device at a time; I brought a travel router with me and that let me share the connection with my computer, two iPads, and one iPhone. I switched the connection to the phone when I left the cabin and went back to the router when I came back; it was easy to do (if you bookmark the “switch my device” page, it’s two clicks).

Celebrity Cruises internet service has improved so much with Starlink. I love the tip about bringing a travel router. I’ve never thought of using one but that’s an excellent tip!

How many devices can be used with these packages?

Last time I sailed Celebrity Cruises offered a one device package and a four device package. If you want to save money, you can use the WiFi on different devices, but only one device can be logged in at a time. So you can switch between a laptop and a smartphone, as long as only one device is logged into the Celebrity Cruises WiFi. If you try to log in while another device is using the internet package, the previous device is kicked off the internet service.

Cannot get per day price. Celebrity app 29.99 per day this site 20.00 per day other ads 29.99 less basic of 16.99 or 13.00 per day. I only need streaming on Friday for a meeting How much is it for separate days?

Hi Michelle. According to the Celebrity Cruises website, the Premium internet package is $35 per person per day. If you purchased your cruise fare through the Always Included pricing, you’d have the Basic internet package included for free. You can upgrade from Basic to Premium at a cost of $13 per person per day. If you have questions about the pricing, your best bet is to contact Celebrity Cruises as the pricing may change.

Thank you for this. I’m looking into booking my first Celebrity cruise, and it’s not easy to find this info. This article is very helpful!

Hi Bill. I’m glad you found our article helpful. Our goal is to help cruisers travel smarter and share our love for cruising.

I am booked on a cruise in the Celebrity Suite which includes the Premium Wi-Fi. Does the package include 1 or 2 devices per person? I cannot seem to find that on the web site.

In December 2020 Celebrity updated its policy so that each guest receives wi-fi for one device. If you need to use the wi-fi on multiple devices you can disconnect one device and connect to another. You are able to switch back and forth between multiple devices, but only one device can be connected to the internet at a time.

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Do cruise ships have Wi-Fi? A line-by-line guide to internet access at sea

Do cruise ships have Wi-Fi? Yes, but internet access on cruise ships is both better and worse than you might expect. If you're headed on a cruise vacation and want to stay in touch with family and friends — or stream movies and music on board the ship — it is possible to stay fully connected while at sea. But you'll need to adjust your expectations if you think the connectivity will be similar to a hotel. Connectivity can be slow and spotty, although cruise lines are working to change that.

Ships rely on satellites for their internet connections at sea. The strength of the connection depends on several factors, including where you are in the world and the weather. On many lines, certain locations — such as public spaces near the center of the ship — tend to have better connectivity than other places (like your cabin).

Cruise lines are adopting new technologies to make internet access more reliable — and more affordable. Lines like Carnival Cruise Line, Norwegian Cruise Line, Holland America Line and Royal Caribbean, have installed Starlink in many vessels (fleetwide, in some cases). Starlink technology provides download speeds that range from 40 to over 200 Mbps (megabits per second) and upload speeds that come in at 8 to more than 25 Mbps.

For more cruise news, reviews and tips, sign up for TPG's cruise newsletter .

Here is an overview of what to expect from internet offerings on cruise ships and a line-by-line look at the plans and pricing available on your next cruise vacation.

What types of Wi-Fi plans do cruise lines offer?

Larger mainstream cruise lines typically have several plans available for purchase, with the cheaper plans only supporting email and texting and the pricier plans allowing streaming and Wi-Fi calling. Most upscale and luxury cruise lines offer a complimentary basic Wi-Fi plan to upgrade if you need a faster connection.

Before purchasing a plan, consider how much time you'll be online, how many devices you need to connect (a smartphone, tablet and a laptop?) and how much speed you'll need. If all you want to do is check emails or send texts, you may not need to spend additional money on an upgraded plan at all. Most cruise lines, but not all of them, let you use a one-device plan across multiple devices as long as you're only logged in to one at a time.

Note that you do not need a cruise ship Wi-Fi plan to access the free services — such as ordering food or checking the daily schedule — on a cruise line's app.

Related: Wi-Fi on cruise ships: 5 things to know about internet use on board

Pro tips for using cruise ship Wi-Fi

Before booking your cruise, look for promotions and deals that include basic Wi-Fi. If you can't get cruise ship internet included, don't wait to purchase your internet package until you're on board: It's usually less expensive to purchase Wi-Fi packages before sailing. Buying a package for the entire cruise is typically a better deal than the daily rate.

Keep your phone in airplane mode while on the ship to avoid roaming charges and other fees. Satellite roaming fees are much higher than you realize.

Related: Can you use your cellphone on a cruise?

Download apps, movies and music before your cruise. Not only can you access this entertainment on the flight to your home port, but you will be prepared should the onboard internet be slow on a sea day when you'd like to catch up on your must-watch show or listen to your favorite tunes at the gym.

To find the strongest Wi-Fi signal on the ship, download a network analyzer like NetSpot.

If you don't need to stay connected while on board, head into port and find a restaurant, bar or mall with free Wi-Fi. Ask crew members on the ship about the best places for free Wi-Fi in port; they often know. Or, use apps like WiFi Map that show you locations of nearby hotspots when you're in port.

Related: How can I get Wi-Fi on a cruise for free?

If you're struggling to upload photos on a sea day when everyone is on board and online, wait until folks are off the ship in port to try again. Early morning and late at night, when people are sleeping, are also good times to find faster connections.

Line-by-line guide to cruise ship internet access

Want to know what's available at sea before booking your next cruise? Here's a list of the available Wi-Fi plans and pricing for each of the major mainstream and luxury cruise lines. Most prices listed are per person, per day for the length of the cruise, and for one device unless otherwise indicated. Note that cruise lines can update pricing and plans at any time.

Price: Starting at $19.95 per day

Azamara 's internet access is provided by AT&T and Wireless Maritime Service. Guests on board the line's ships can choose to use one of their own devices to access Wi-Fi, such as a laptop or smartphone, or they can log in at one of the onboard Touch workstations.

You can purchase prepaid packages during the first two days of the voyage, and pricing is based on the number of minutes — or days — guests will need access to the internet. The plans are only available for one device at a time, and unused minutes are nonrefundable. Prepaid options are priced at $19.99 for one hour of usage. A one-day pass is available at $29.95 for a full day. The daily sessions will end within 24 hours of purchase.

If guests buy a Full Cruise Unlimited Package, the cost is $19.95 per day. This plan can be purchased at any time during the sailing, but guests will be charged for the full length of the voyage.

Members of the line's loyalty rewards program, Azamara Circle , receive benefits and perks for internet options based on their level. Members who book a Suite or Verandah Plus category can also combine their loyalty and suite Wi-Fi minutes. Perks of membership range from a 5% savings, including 30 free Wi-Fi minutes, or 20% toward a Full Voyage Unlimited Package at the Azamara Circle Adventurer level. For Discoverer Platinum members, there's a 100% savings on Wi-Fi that provides a Full Voyage Unlimited Package, no matter the category of cabin or length of the voyage.

Carnival Cruise Line

Price: starting at $12.75 per day.

Carnival Cruise Line offers guests the option of three plans via the line's satellite providers.

The Social Wi-Fi Plan provides access to the most popular social media apps, including Instagram, Facebook, WhatsApp, Facebook Messenger and others. Prices start at $12.75 per day (per person) if purchased pre-cruise. The onboard purchase price is $15 per day.

The Value Wi-Fi plan, at $19.55 per day pre-cruise (onboard price is $23 per day), includes the Social plan features and allows guests to browse the internet and send and receive emails.

The fastest connection available (at three times the speed of the Value plan) is with the Premium Wi-Fi plan. At $21.25 (or $25 on board) per day, guests will be able to place video calls and stream music and videos.

You can also purchase a single 24-hour pass for the Value plan at $25 or the Premium plan at $35.

Celebrity Cruises

Price: Starting at $20 per day

Celebrity Cruises uses Starlink as a provider for internet service across its entire fleet, with the exception of its Galapagos-based ships.

For cabins booked as cruise-only fares, ranging from inside cabins to Concierge class, Wi-Fi can be purchased separately on board the ship at $20 per day per device for a Basic plan, which allows guests to browse the web, send and receive emails and text via messaging apps. The Premium plan costs $35 per day per device and adds the capability for live streaming, video chats and more. With either plan, there's a 10% savings when it's booked pre-cruise.

If guests choose the all-inclusive cruise price , fares include a Classic Drinks Package (with nonalcoholic and alcoholic beverages), Basic Wi-Fi access and gratuities. AquaClass cabins always have Basic Wi-Fi included in the fare; suites in The Retreat always come with complimentary Premium Wi-Fi. If you have Basic Wi-Fi included in your cruise fare, you can upgrade to the Premium Package for $9.99 daily.

Benefits of the line's Captain's Club membership include discounts of between 10% off a Wi-Fi package for Classic-level members to a complimentary Premium Package for Zenith-level guests.

Cunard Line

Price: starting at $18 per day.

All Cunard ships are equipped with Starlink technology. You can purchase internet plans in advance of your sailing or once on board by logging onto the ship's Wi-Fi and going to the line's My Voyage app.

The Essential Internet plan is priced at $24 per day when bought on a day-by-day basis or $18 per day for the entire voyage. This option allows you to browse the internet, send and receive emails and stay connected on social media platforms via text and photos.

The Premium Internet plan includes video streaming and a three times faster connection speed than the Essential plan. The cost for this option is $36 per day, or $24 per day for the whole voyage.

The pricing for either plan is for one device at a time, and these plans can be purchased at any time during your sailing. If you want to connect to the internet using two devices at once, you can purchase an additional plan with a 10% discount.

Cunard World Club members may be eligible to receive credit toward internet on the ships: $45 per person for Gold members, $80 per person for Platinum members and $135 per person for Diamond members.

Disney Cruise Line

Price: Starting at $16 per day

Disney Cruise Line previously offered varied internet plans for different ships and cruise destinations but now offers standard packages across its fleet.

Guests can choose among three different packages, starting with the Stay Connected plan at $18 per day when purchased on a day-to-day basis and $16 per day for the entire cruise. This option will provide enough bandwidth to post photos and send texts on social media sites like Facebook, Instagram, X (formerly called Twitter), Snapchat and Linkedin.

Basic Surf includes the benefits of the lower-priced plan (posting photos on social media) and the ability to surf the internet and send and receive emails. It costs $28 per day when purchased on a day-to-day basis and $24 per day for the entire sailing.

The Premium Surf plan offers the fastest connection speeds and features access to Apple Music and Spotify. It costs $42 daily (on a day-to-day basis) and $34 for the entire cruise. Guests will also be able to make calls on Zoom or FaceTime and view short-form videos on sites like TikTok and YouTube, along with other benefits like access to emails, web surfing and more.

None of the packages support video streaming on platforms like Disney+, Hulu and Netflix. Discounted pricing is available for up to four devices.

Holland America Line

Price: starting at $17.15 per day.

Holland America completed the installation of Starlink across its entire fleet in December 2023, which enhanced connectivity for the line's guests and crew. The line offers three Wi-Fi plans.

The Surf Voyage package is the most popular option at $17.15 per day per device and provides access to most social media websites and applications.

The Premium package, at $34.99 per day, per device, includes audio and messaging apps, and the ability to surf the web and check emails.

The Stream package is $45.99 per day, per device, and includes streaming capability and all the benefits of the Surf Voyage and Premium packages.

If you're considering other onboard expenses, the line's "Have it All" Premium Cruise Package is an economical way to get internet access and a Signature Beverage Package (with nonalcoholic and alcoholic drinks), specialty dining and a credit for shore excursions. The package is available on most sailings for $55 per person, per day.

Holland America's 5-Star Mariner guests receive a $30 credit toward a Wi-Fi package. Early Booking Benefits for Grand Voyages include 5,000 minutes of complimentary internet access in select suite categories.

MSC Cruises

Price: Starting at $17.59 per day

MSC Cruises offers two internet packages with a 20% discount for booking ahead of your sailing.

MSC's Browse Internet Cruise Package includes unlimited data, 24-hour internet access, chat and texts, and the ability to post photos and send and receive emails. Pricing starts at $17.59 per day per device (pre-cruise cost) and $21.99 per day if you buy it on board.

The Browse & Stream Cruise Package comes with the additional capability to video chat, stream music and movies, and post videos and live stream on social media. Pricing for this option is $21.59 per day, per device. The per-device price drops when purchasing either plan for multiple devices. Note that MSC does not let you switch from one device to another on the same plan, so make sure to sign in to your plan for the first time on the device you intend to use it on.

One-day internet packages are $29.99 per day (for Browse) and $34.99 (for Browse & Stream).

Voyagers Club members also receive discounts on internet packages. Guests sailing in MSC Yacht Club cabins receive a complimentary Browse package for two devices. It's possible to upgrade the package for an additional charge.

Norwegian Cruise Line

Price: starting at $29.99 per day.

Norwegian Cruise Line 's most popular internet plan is the Unlimited Wi-Fi Package. It costs $29.99 per day for one device. You can add a second device for an additional $15.99; discounted pricing is available for up to four devices. This package provides web surfing capabilities and access to email and social media apps (but not TikTok).

If you take advantage of the Free at Sea promotional cruise fare, you'll receive a number of free Unlimited Wi-Fi minutes, depending on the length of your sailing.

The Premium Package starts at $39.99 per day per device (add a second device for $25.99 per day). This package features Unlimited Wi-Fi inclusions, as well as streaming on Netflix, Amazon Prime Video, Hulu, TikTok and more. Discounted pricing is available for up to four devices. Guests can purchase an upgraded package before they sail or on board the ship.

Loyal cruisers and members of the Latitudes Rewards Program receive discounts of up to 25% on Wi-Fi packages based on their membership tier level. Benefits begin with a 15% discount at the Platinum level.

It's also possible to rent a laptop on the ship or surf the internet at one of the workstations in the fleet's 24-hour Internet cafe. Any internet package can be used with a laptop rental or at the onboard cafes.

Oceania Cruises

Price: complimentary to $9.99 per day.

Starlink service is currently available on Oceania Cruises ' Vista and Riviera, with a fleetwide expansion of the service to be completed by the end of 2024.

The line provides free, unlimited internet access with all cruise fares. Guests can log on to the internet throughout the ship, including in their cabins or suites or in public spaces and outdoor areas. They can also use the computers at the Oceania@Sea Internet Center on board their ships if they don't have their own device.

Two free logins are provided per cabin or suite for use on one device at a time. Plans that include access for additional devices can be purchased on the ship, and an upgrade to streaming services for movies or music is available at a cost of $9.99 per day.

Princess Cruises

Price: Starting at $24.99 per day

Princess Cruises claims the "fastest Wi-Fi at sea" with its MedallionNet technology , with download speeds of 12.6 Mbps and upload speeds of 1.9 Mbps. Carnival Corporation and Princess achieve this speed by working with SES Networks, a leading satellite connectivity provider.

With this internet access, you can check email, chat, surf the internet, FaceTime with your kids and pets, post photos and stream shows and music with speeds similar to what you might have at home.

Guests can choose from one-device to four-device packages starting at $24.99 per day that you can purchase through the MedallionClass app pre-cruise. Discounted pricing is available for up to four devices. Platinum and Elite members of Princess Cruises' loyalty program receive a 50% discount on plans that will appear as an onboard credit on the ship.

Guests can also purchase either a bundled Princess Plus or Princess Premier package, which are priced at about a 50% savings of the overall value when purchased pre-cruise through the MedallionClass app. Princess Plus includes a beverage package (with alcoholic drinks up to $15 each), Wi-Fi for a single device and crew gratuities. The cost for this plan is $60 per person, per day.

With Princess Premier, guests will receive the Premier Beverage Package (with drinks up to $20 each), Wi-Fi for multiple devices, crew appreciation, two evenings of specialty dining, a photo package and a chance to win prizes like a free onboard wine tasting, dinner at the Chef's Table or even a free cruise or cash. This package is priced at $80 per person a day.

With the latter option, you can also share the Wi-Fi availability with other passengers in the cabin who do not have Princess Premier.

Regent Seven Seas

Starlink service is currently available on Regent Seven Seas Cruises' Seven Seas Mariner and Seven Seas Grandeur , with a fleetwide expansion of the service to be completed by the end of 2024.

The line offers complimentary unlimited internet access throughout its fleet. Passengers have wireless access in most of the suites on the ships. However, bandwidth-heavy applications such as Netflix, Skype, YouTube and VPN are not included in the free plans.

One login is provided per suite for use with one device at a time. Gold and higher-level members of the Seven Seas Society and guests in Concierge Suites and higher receive up to four logins/devices per suite.

If guests are interested in streaming, they can pay for a higher-bandwidth plan at the cost of $9.99 per day.

Royal Caribbean

Price: Starting at $25.99 per day

Royal Caribbean touts its Voom internet as the "fastest internet at sea," with speeds six times faster than Wi-Fi plans you'll find on other cruise ships worldwide. However, some ships have been upgraded to Starlink service, with a fleetwide expansion of the technology to be completed by the end of 2024.

Royal Caribbean discontinued its basic Surf package and currently offers one plan — the Surf + Stream package. With it, passengers can surf the internet, send and receive emails, use messenger apps, live stream and post on social media and stream music and movies while on board the ship. The plan (for one device) starts at $25.99, and unlimited voyage packages for one device are $19.99 per day.

Passengers can receive a discount by purchasing packages that bundle a drink package with internet access.

Crown & Anchor Society members receive special discounts on pricing ranging from one day of Wi-Fi free to Diamond level members and two free days for Diamond Plus and Pinnacle members.

Related: How fast is the internet on Royal Caribbean ships? We put it to the test

Price: Complimentary to $19.95 per day

Seabourn provides complimentary, unlimited access to the internet to guests during their voyages. The complimentary Surf Wi-Fi Package provides unlimited access on one device per person. This plan includes general web browsing, email access and posting to social media accounts.

Should passengers need faster speeds and more bandwidth, the Stream Wi-Fi Package is an upgraded option that allows up to four devices and offers additional connectivity such as video streaming, internet calling and VPN/cloud storage.

Diamond-level members of Seabourn Club and guests booked in Penthouse and Premium suites receive the Stream plan on a complimentary basis. Passengers in other suite categories can upgrade for a charge of $19.95 per day.

Silversea Cruises

Price: Complimentary to $29.99 per day

All Silversea Cruises vessels feature Starlink connectivity on board. Silversea's standard internet access is complimentary in Vista and Verandah Suites, while premium Wi-Fi (the line's fastest Wi-Fi connection) is complimentary for guests booked in Medallion, Silver, Royal, Grand and Owner's Suites.

On the expedition ships, the level of internet access is also determined by the suite category, except for Silver Origin, which has complimentary standard Wi-Fi for all guests. For guests on Silversea's full world cruises or Grand Voyages, all passengers receive complimentary premium internet access for the sailing.

On all voyages — and with both types of internet access — the complimentary Wi-Fi is unlimited for two devices used at the same time.

If guests have standard internet access but want to upgrade to the premium plan, the price is $29.99 per day (covering two devices connected at the same time).

Price: Complimentary

All of Viking 's ocean ships offer complimentary Wi-Fi. Guests can connect to the internet via a personal device such as a smartphone or laptop, or they can use one of the ship's computers in the Business Center, located on Deck 1. The line relies on a VSAT satellite terminal — what Viking says is "one of the best solutions" for internet connection at sea. VSAT can provide wide variances in speed depending on weather and location.

Viking's expedition ships and river ships in Europe, Egypt and the Mississippi also feature free internet access. On Mekong River cruises in Southeast Asia, the line advises that the best option is to use the public computers on the ship to stay connected, but the internet service is limited throughout the region. Viking also asks that guests limit large uploads, downloads and streaming so that Wi-Fi is more accessible for everyone on the sailing.

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Celebrity’s All Included Offer: How It Works & What to Know

While cruising can be among the most relaxing vacations, there are some aspects that can also be annoying.

Particularly, it can sometimes feel like even though you’d paid for a cruise, you’re always spending more once you’re on the ship.

In fact, onboard spending is big business. In Cruzely’s analysis of onboard spending reported by cruise lines , the amount spent once on the ship for an average cruise was around 35-40% of the cruise fare.

Celebrity Cruises — the luxury brand that’s part of Royal Caribbean — offers a new way of doing things that should make those people happy who normally get annoyed by the extra costs.

The cruise line offers a program   All Included . This program is a more “all inclusive” way of sailing where wi-fi and alcoholic drinks are all included already in the cruise fare.

That can potentially save you from having to spend hundreds of dollars extra once on the ship. As with most things cruising, however, there are often questions about how new policies like this one work. We’ve laid out everything you need to know about Celebrity’s Always Included program below.

In This Article...

What Is Celebrity’s All Included?

This program is a different way of doing things from Celebrity Cruises. Under the offer, passengers have a choice of paying extra and receiving the Classic Beverage Package, and basic wi-fi service included automatically with their cruise fare.

If a passenger prefers, there are options for a “cruise only” fare at a lower rate. Or they can book the All Included fare and not worry about having extra charges for things like drinks once on their cruise. 

Note: In October 2023, Celebrity adjusted the package to offer only drinks and wi-fi. Previously, it also included shipboard gratuities.

How Much is Always Included Worth?

With this offer, you get a drink package, and wi-fi included in your fare instead of being an out-of-pocket expense on the ship. So what’s that actually worth?

Most recently, the Classic Drink Package was $89 per person, per day with the additional 20% gratuity included, for a total of $106.80. The basic wi-fi package costs $20 per person, per day. (Note that Celebrity has since removed prices from its website, instead showing prices only when booked. Therefore, prices may be slightly different.)

That comes out to a total of $126.80 per person, per day.  

So for a couple sailing on a week cruise, this comes out about $1,800 over the course of the entire trip that they won’t be spending once on the ship.

How Much More Does the All Included Offer Cost?

There’s no such thing as “free” in cruising and that includes the All Included deal. With this offer, you have your choice of either the basic “cruise only” fare or the higher-priced All Included price.

We searched a number of cruises to compare the prices for the same cabin with the offer and without. What we found is that the price difference was consistently $70 more per day, per person for All Included .

For example, we found one 7-day Alaskan cruise sailing in a balcony cabin at a base price of $2,088, or $2,578 per person with All Included. That’s an extra $490, or $70 per day.

You’ll want to check the prices for your specific cruise. But if you planned on buying the drink package and wi-fi, then anything priced below $126 per day makes it worth the price increase. At an extra $70 per day, you’re saving about $55 per person, per day.

Is This a Limited-Time Sale?

Every so often, you’ll see cruise lines offer something similar to this program as a special deal to get passengers to book. That’s what makes the Always Included program different.

This is not a sale or special deal — it’s a long-term change for the cruise line. If you sail Celebrity, you should be able to take advantage of this offer on your cruise.

Which Drink Package Is Included?

Celebrity offers two drink packages. There’s the Classic Beverage Package and the Premium Package. With this program, the Classic package is included with your fare.

This package covers drinks up to a menu price of $10. At last check, the package costs $89 per day, plus 20% gratuity, for a total of $106.80 per person, per day. This package covers many typical liquors and cocktails, about 15 types of beer, and also soda, premium coffee, bottled water and more.

If you want more drink choices, you can upgrade to the Premium Beverage Package , which covers drinks up to $17 per serving, for an additional $20 per person, per day .

Which Internet Package Is Included?

Celebrity offers two different Internet packages: Basic and Premium. The “Basic” package allows web browsing for things like checking email and social media. The “Premium” package offers streaming capability, as well as things like FaceTime, social media posting and more.

With the Always Included program, you get access to the “Basic” package for each person.

What About Upgrading the Offer?

Under the All Included program, the drink package offered is the “Classic” package and the wi-fi offered is the “Basic” level of service. What if you want to upgrade to a higher-end drink package or better wi-fi?

In that case, you have the option. 

To upgrade to the Premium beverage package, Celebrity says you may do so via the cruise line’s online cruise planner , up to two day before the cruise departs. There’s an upcharge of $20 per person per day, which includes the gratuity.

If you want to upgrade to the faster Premium wi-fi service, then the process is the same. In this case, there is an upgrade charge of $10 per person, per day.

Does Everyone Have to Buy the All Included Offer if One Person Does? What About Kids?

Yes, when booking there is no option to select the offer only for some guests. All passengers under a reservation will either be under the All Included offer if selected, or the cruise-only fare.

Keep this in mind when budgeting. If paying extra for the offer to get the drink package, and someone doesn’t drink, it might not be worth it.

So what if you have kids or someone else that doesn’t drink? In this case, Celebrity points to the non-alcoholic drinks available in the package and suggests that kids will still be charged for the upgraded package, although obviously won’t be served alcohol. 

Is All Included Worth it?

So is the All Included offer worth the extra money? We suggest looking at a few factors to decide if it’s worth it for you.

As mentioned All Included comes with a higher price tag. In our searches, we found the price bump to be $70 per person, per day. Given that the value received is roughly $127 per person, per day, it is a deal in that aspect.

But would you buy the packages otherwise? If not, then All Included might not be worth it. 

If you’re not a big drinker, then it could be that you’d be better off without the program. However, you can still benefit from not having to worry about your drink bill (even for non-alcoholic beverages) at the end of the trip.

Same goes for the wi-fi access. Many people like to use cruises as a way to escape and prefer not to have access. Even so, with All Included, you’ll end up paying for it in your cruise fare.

For those that normally keep their onboard spending to a minimum, then it’s possible you’ll end up paying more for your cruise than you normally would. However, if you’re someone that enjoys having drinks and Internet access, then you likely come out ahead.

Either way, it is a nice feature to have these amenities included, giving you fewer onboard expenses to worry about while enjoying yourself on the ship.

More on Sailing Celebrity:

• Celebrity Cruise Gratuities (Tips): Full Guide to Cost & How They Work

Worth It? Celebrity Cruises Drink Packages Explained (Prices, What’s Included, and More)

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When I look at the Celebrity site, it says, “Tips charged separately” for the All Inclusive offering. It looks like they’ve removed the free gratuities aspect. As such, I just think it’s an incredibly expensive add-on, and just puts me off going on a cruise to be honest.

Yes, it looks like the cruise line changed the package to no longer included tips in the package. We will dive in and update this article soon.

If you have the all included package does this include the 20% gratuities on drinks?

Right, when you go to the bar, you won’t be charged an additional gratuity.

I have already booked and paid for my 7 days mediterranean cruise from Barcelona to Rome this Sept. 23rd. Is it too late to add on all inclusive package?

I’d suggest calling the cruise line. Typically you can add packages on up to 48 hours before sailing.

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Home » Cruise Ships & Wifi (Free Internet on Cruise Ships?) Updated 2024

Cruise Ships & Wifi (Free Internet on Cruise Ships?) Updated 2024

Last updated on March 9th, 2024 at 08:40 pm

We live in a digital age where social media is prevalent in many aspects of our lives.

Whether we are chronicling our travels, advertising our business interests, getting remote work taken care of, sharing vlogs , or engaging with friends and family – few can go a day, much less extended time periods without Wi-Fi access or means of getting to their accounts.

Especially in this remote-work-driven world, business has become a work-from-anywhere endeavor where you can be cruising the world and still keeping a finger on the heartbeat of your other ventures.

Table of Contents

Do cruise ships have Wi-Fi?

The short answer is yes…but it differs from cruise line to cruise line.

What follows is a breakdown of the advertised services around Wi-Fi by the cruise line and previous cruiser insights on these services for many cruise lines sailing vacationers are considering.

Things to remember about the internet onboard cruise ships:

Ships offer internet via satellite, which will be slower than the internet you will find on land. This also means that weather can affect connectivity.

Ships also will deal with bandwidth and data issues, which means the more people that are using it at the same time, the slower it will generally be.

A common question people ask is if they will be able to work a bit from the ship, i.e. do a Zoom call, etc. The answer is usually “maybe,” but you won’t likely know until you go to actually use it.

It will depend on where in the world/ocean you are, where in the ship you are, how many other people are using at the same time, etc. It’s best not to bank on it.

Royal Caribbean WiFi Packages

After a successful trial of Starlink satellite internet on Freedom of the Seas, RCL says it will be rolling it out to the rest of the fleet soon (2022/2023). A timeline has been set that will see Starlink installed on all Royal Caribbean ships by the end of Q1 2023!

This should vastly improve the speed and reliability of the internet onboard, but for now, RCL’s internet is still touted as the “fastest internet at sea.”

From my own personal experience, I tested StarLink internet onboard the Brilliance of the Seas in January 2023. Download speed was 97.7Mbps while upload was 16.5Mbps. For most users, even heavy users, this speed is more than fast enough for streaming as well as work applications.

Royal Caribbean offers VOOM high speed internet you can add to your cruise to stream and stay connected, but costs will vary based on number of devices you wish to connect as well as your ship and sailing.

The VOOM Surf Voyage Package on average starts at $15.99/day for one device and allows you to surf the web and send emails.

If you want to be able to stream as well as browse the internet, the VOOM Surf and Stream package would be for you at an average of $22.99/day. Again, these prices vary based on ship, sailing and number of devices you wish to connect.

Watch for package deals prior to your cruise and check if your Crown and Anchor member level offers a discount on internet service.

Overall, users have good things to say about the service, though it does appear there can be some spotty coverage depending on your itinerary. You can also use Royal’s app without having to pay to connect to their Wi-Fi.

Celebrity Cruises WiFi Packages

**StarLink Internet has been installed on some Celebrity ships as of mid-2023.

With Celebrity, Premium Wi-Fi is the top-tier package you can add to your cruises on Celebrity for near-constant coverage while cruising. This package is great for those wishing to stream movies and such while underway and seems to have fairly good reviews from previous customers.

Basic Wi-Fi is for those needing some basic email and messaging services for a more value-added cost. This is included in Celebrity’s “ Always Included.”

Costs will vary based on ship, sailing and number of devices, but they do note that Wi-Fi packages are not available on ships sailing from the Galapagos.

Celebrity suggests if you book it in advance, you’ll save 10% than if you were to wait and purchase it on board, but often there will be additional deals when paired with other upgraded packages.

In 2023, Celebrity will be installing StarLink Satellite internet on its ships, which will provide a much faster experience. Stay tuned for more details as they roll out the system across all their ships.

MSC Cruises WiFi Packages

MSC Cruises, following suite with Virgin Voyages and other cruise lines,  will be rolling out Starlink across their vessels. Other major cruise operators including Norwegian, Royal Caribbean and Carnibal have also been making the switch to Starlink.

The satellite internet , called Browse (just surfing websites), or Browse & Stream (allows for streaming Netflix) packages on MSC Cruises offer the ability to bring your own devices for public area and café spot coverage.

When added to a cruising package, it is available 24/7 with no data caps, which is nice considering others throttle when available if you read the fine print. The packages vary in price based on the length of the cruise and number of devices you wish to connect, but you can expect to pay approximately $12/day per device for the Browse internet package for a week-long cruise.

They also have cafes with printers and full screens and keyboards to facilitate work or other activities.

You can get discounts on the packages if you purchase them before boarding, or when adding multiple devices because each package is attached to a certain device, so you’d need a separate package for each device you wish to access the internet.

They do advise that if you want to use the internet when it’s fastest, to avoid doing it first thing in the morning, or when the majority of passengers return from shore excursions .

Carnival Cruises WiFi Packages

Carnival is pretty transparent in the three levels of Wi-Fi offered:

Social Plan – $6.80/person per day (can save 15% if purchased online pre-cruise) – allows access to social sites/apps, and airline websites, presumably to allow the user to check in for their flight while aboard, but may not allow access to other websites/apps

Value Plan – 10.20/person per day (can save 15% if purchased online pre-cruise) – allows surfing on websites and access to email, but does not allow for streaming (i.e. Netflix or Spotify) or for video calls (i.e. Skype or Zoom)

Premium Plan – $13.60/person per day (can save 20% if purchased online pre-cruise).  boasts three times faster connection to allow for streaming and video calling (where coverage allows).

Check the fine print and ensure that you pick the right package as there are some pre-purchase restrictions that are enforced before embarking .

*Carnival Cruise Lines will be installing StarLink Satellite internet on their ships in 2023. This will be a much faster experience. Stay tuned for more info on when it will be installed on all ships in the fleet. 

Holland America WiFi Packages

HAL offers satellite internet through the ship’s Wi-Fi or at workstations in the Explorations Cafe. There are three packages available, all with varying levels of data available:

Social – allows you to access popular social sites and apps, but may not allow for streaming or audio/video calls – $14.99/day

Surf – the most popular option which allows for broader internet surfing including news and sports sites, accessing your e-mail, but also may not allow for streaming or audio/video calls – $24.99

Premium – this has the highest amount of data which allows for everything including streaming and video calls.

The caveats with their internet, however, are that it won’t be as fast as internet on land (and current customers agree), and because it’s provided via satellite, physical blockages will affect connectivity (i.e. inclement weather or mountains).  Also, they do have a select number of free sites under “Complementary Browsing.”

*As Holland America is part of Carnival, StarLink Internet will be coming to the fleet in 2023.

Princess Cruises WiFi Packages

MedallionNet is the Wi-Fi service of Princess cruise lines, and recently they announced some improvements to their service even to help accommodate those that might need to work while onboard.

They boast their services being “The Best Wi-Fi at Sea,” and they have several unlimited day packages for as little as $9.99 a day for a one device package. If you are a Platinum or Elite guest, you’ll get 50% off, or if you purchase Princess Plus , your Wi-Fi will be included.

It must be added that there is a lot of good reviews out there that might back this claim but again, read through all the data to make the best-informed decision.

*As Princess is part of Carnival, StarLink Internet will be coming to the fleet in 2023.

Norwegian Cruise Lines WiFi Packages

Norwegian’s services onboard are offered in internet cafes onboard , with some stateroom access on certain ships.

Laptop rentals, email access, and other items for this coverage can be found on their website, but for those needing streaming services or more robust coverage for work, you must take a hard look at this one before booking.

Unlimited  Wi-Fi Package – 1 device is $25.50/day when purchased prior to your cruise. This allows you to browse websites, use social media apps (except for TikTok), and access email (no VPN).

Unlimited Premium Wi-Fi Package – 1 device is 34.99/day when purchased prior to your cruise. This allows access to streaming sites, like YouTube, Netflix, etc. as well as if you need to use a VPN to access your email.

Unlimited Social Media Wi-Fi – 1 device – 12.50/day when purchased prior to your cruise allows access to Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, but not TikTok.

Norwegian also has an option where you can purchase 250 minutes of internet for use any time during your cruise for the price of $105.00 if purchased in advance of your cruise. If you want to purchase it onboard, it will be $125 plus a $3.95 activation fee. It can be used only on one device at at time.

NCL offers different perks on different cruises, so many bookings come with some complimentary minutes of internet and it’s easy to upgrade your package once on board.

*Norwegian has experimented with StarLink internet on their ships so plan on upgrades coming in 2023. 

Disney Cruises WiFi Packages

Connect@Sea is the program covering all of Disney’s Internet packages at sea options. You will pay for the data you use, not by the minute, so if you’re looking to stream Netflix or just upload a few pictures to Instagram, you’ll be able to find the package right for you.

You can also share the package between devices simultaneously, as Disney’s technology will combine the amount of data. There is no discount for purchasing packages before your cruise, as Disney advises to look for a current price list in your cabin, or by talking to Guest Services.

There is free access to the Disney Cruise Line Navigator app, which is also accessible to view other data packages.

Virgin Voyages WiFi Packages

Wanting to stay ahead of the game and to keep current with their innovative approach to cruising, Virgin Voyages will be the first cruise line to incorporate SES Cruise mPOWERED + Starlink PRO services.

SES is a global leader in satellite communications and Virgin will combine Medium Earth Orbit (MEO) and Low Earth Orbit (LEO) satellite coverage in their bid to deliver the fastest internet speeds for their cruise passengers.

The cruise line will be offering speeds up to 1.5 Gbps, well above the standard offerings. The pandemic changes the way the world does business, and has opened up remote working opportunities for many.

The world has also become acutely aware of the importance of connectivity. While most people don’t want to work on a vacation, the ability to remain connected, even for short periods, has made it apparent that combining business and pleasure can work out very well for all concerned.

Younger guests, such as those attracted to Virgin Voyages, tend to attract, feels that connectivity is paramount.  Having a reliable internet connection allows for cruisers to check in at work or home with confidence that those important connections will be ready and available when needed. 

Passengers will be able to keep up on messaging, emails and make video calls. This valuable service will help keep a cruiser current with business obligations and also give the peace of mind that being able to connect with home brings. 

Costa Cruises WiFi Packages

Costa features a Data and Social package for their internet, with access available in all public areas and cabins throughout their ships. They have an Internet Point area where you can use onboard devices or bring your full ship usage.

Additionally, their packages range from 250 MB to 3 GB. Their social package has a list of sites it allows access to in a more economical fashion – or you can pay as you go if you aren’t sure of your needs before sailing.

*As Costa Cruises is part of Carnival, StarLink Internet will be coming to the fleet in 2023.

Viking Ocean Cruises WiFi Packages

Internet access onboard is free , but there are some significant limitations on bandwidth for such activities as streaming. The ships do have a Business Center on board with computers or use your device, but the other amenities onboard are the draw – internet access due to itineraries, and locations along with onboard setup make access to the internet not as spectacular as on other cruise lines.

Oceania WiFi Packages

Wavenet is the internet service provided by Oceania, and the basic levels are free to all sailing with them. Additionally, a Prime option can be tacked for $9.99 a day to more robust access to allow for such things as streaming and the like.

Passengers in the premium Owners and Vista suites even get provided an iPad ensuite for the duration of the voyage for their use in accessing social media, email, and other internet options.

Azamara WiFi Packages

Azmara offers packages that start at $0.33/a minute with one-hour passes to one-day or full cruise packages. Several spelled out limitations to their services, such as Skype and others, so it’s important to go through their exceptionally detailed and transparent services listings before setting expectations for your cruise.

Silversea Cruises WiFi Packages

Silversea has unlimited complimentary internet for all those sailing. Speed limitations depend on the package level and ship, so checking to ensure you have the right service may include additional service level add-ons, but basic levels remain free.

They also feature onboard cafes where you may use their computers and other devices or bring your own and access the internet throughout their ships.

Seabourn WiFi Packages

Seabourn, the luxury cruise line is the newest cruise line to be equipped with Starlink internet . Expect fast internet speeds while you’re cruising to exotic locations offered by Seabourn. Learn more about complimentary WiFi on Seabourn .

A Word of Caution About Cruise Line Wi-Fi

Certain apps, a variety of service options, port of call , and destinations along your cruise can all impact the internet service on a ship.

If these services and having access to friends, coworkers, work, or even social media feeds are important to you, do your research before embarking as not all cruise lines have given their online services the same consideration.

Can you stream movies on a cruise ship?

Wi-Fi is getting better for certain and more readily available. While the speed of an individual cruise ship might be enough to stream movies, you might end up going through your available bandwidth quickly.

Additional charges in most cases will apply for streaming or higher/longer coverage periods and can have a significant impact on the cost of your cruise experience if not booked in advance.

That being said, it is not the same on every ship, and the costs are specific to each cruise line, so don’t make assumptions that just because you sail on one two years ago and want to pick a new line, the services may not be the same.

Why Is StarLink Internet a Game-changer for Cruise Ship Internet?

One of the primary advantages of Starlink Internet is its exceptional speed. Traditional satellite internet systems often suffer from latency issues due to the long distance signals must travel to reach the orbiting satellites and back to Earth.

However, Starlink employs a novel approach by deploying a constellation of thousands of small, low Earth orbit (LEO) satellites. These satellites are positioned much closer to the Earth’s surface, significantly reducing the latency and providing faster internet speeds.

Early tests and user reports have shown that Starlink offers download speeds ranging from 50 to 150 Mbps, with latency typically under 50 milliseconds. This makes it comparable to, and sometimes even surpassing, land-based broadband connections.

These innovations are good news for ALL cruise lines passengers. Cruise lines are striving to meet the need of cruisers to maintain a reliable connection with home and work. This will be a benefit for all. 

What’s the Verdict on Cruise Ship WiFi?

Depending on the destination, cruise ship capabilities, and even your stateroom location, the variances in coverage can be significant.

Look at the cruise line websites and reviewers on popular websites like the CruiseCritic Forums who can be brutally honest in reviewing such amenities. Real-life examples may help you from being frustrated mid-cruise and not enjoying a hard-earned vacation due to slow internet when you are already out to sea.

This page contains affiliate links for which we may receive financial compensation when a purchase has been made through one of our affiliate partners.

About Jonathon Hyjek

Jonathon is the tech guy behind CruiseportAdvisor.com. When he's not stuck in front of his computer, Jonathon enjoys travel & cruising (even after being on a cruise ship that caught fire - a story for another day!)

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Using a VPN with the ship's wifi

By Wineaux007 , June 27, 2022 in Celebrity Cruises

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We ditched our cable company and just use wifi for our TV programming (fubo and/or youtube tv), but you can't access it when traveling out of the U.S./Canada.  I did an internet search and understand you can use a VPN connected to one of the servers in the U.S. to connect to our favorite streaming service if you are overseas.  

I seem to recall you had to turn off your VPN in order to connect to the ship's wifi.  Can you connect then turn your VPN back on, or will your streaming service recognize the ship's server.

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I've been successful using Nord by switching on after connection, yes.  Used for Comcast connection.   Some have reported issues with particular VPN services, and recommended TunnelBear ad a 2nd option.

I also was able to use a VPN on board (also Nord).  There were some things that I could not access while the VPN was active, most notably my account information, personal ship calendar, and some other personal information via the Celebrity app.  Of course, it's easy enough to switch the VPN off if you need to get to any of that.

Please excuse my ignorance. I am interested in getting a VPN myself. My question is what benefit do you get with using a VPN on the cruise? I understand you will use the ship's wifi to get on and then switch to the VPN. Why? Again, sorry for the stupid question. Thanks!

I too use Nord VPN onboard. @pisces223  I use VPN while traveling because it gives me extra security for financial and business transactions.

Yes you can use VPN on the ship but make sure you install prior to the cruise.   My experience over the last couple years has been that the block the word VPN from their dns.   

As for using VPN on the ship for geo location spoofing.  Ease of use and success will be dependent on what device you will be using it on.    If using it on a Tablet or Laptop pretty much works our of the box.  Dependent on where your cruise is you may or may not need.    All cruises that I've been on keep the MIA sattelite connection until about the Azores on a TA.    If connected to a US Sattelite Internet Server you would not need for geo location.

If using a device like Roku it is a little more difficult as you have to create a hotspot using a device (laptop or router)  in-between the Ships Wifi and your device. 

For those asking why?    Main use of a VPN is to provide an added layer of security to prevent hackers from getting password and account information when you broadcast over an open WiFi.  Personally as a security tester  (hacker) from the beginning of WiFi while on the ship I wouldn't think you would have many out hacking.      The other use is Geo Location Shifting.     If for example you are in the U.K. and want to access a site that limit access to only U.S. users you just select a VPN server in the U.S. from a list of server and most sites you connect to think you are in the U.S.

Larainerenee

There are some financial and bank sites that block overseas wifi. A VPN allows you access as if you were in the US and is very secure. It will also let you get to most streaming services that the ship wifi may not allow you to view.

I have Fubo-Tv and have successfully used it on several Caribbean sailings with no issue without VPN.  It's probably because what Jim has reported that they stay connected to a US satellite.

I had stream wifi package and only had trouble after about 11 pm.   It appeared they reduced bandwidth at some point at night as buffering became unusable.

When recently on the Apex in the British Isles, I showed up to the internet as being in Miami Florida so the whole VPN thing might be moot.

Mike in Ohio

23 minutes ago, Bru92 said: When recently on the Apex in the British Isles, I showed up to the internet as being in Miami Florida so the whole VPN thing might be moot.   Mike in Ohio

Not as to security, only as to Geo Location

1 hour ago, Bru92 said: When recently on the Apex in the British Isles, I showed up to the internet as being in Miami Florida so the whole VPN thing might be moot.   Mike in Ohio

Maybe that will work for the Bermuda cruise next month, but I’m more concerned about Europe and the transatlantic we have coming this fall.  I want to be able to access some programs we have recorded.

Ken the cruiser

If I might ask, does a VPN increase bandwidth speeds onboard if you are using the Basic internet service rather than the Premium service? On the 4 Caribbean cruises we've been on so far, the Basic internet service speeds have averaged around .75 mbps whereas with the Premium package averaged somewhere between 2 - 2.75 mbps.

2 hours ago, Bru92 said: When recently on the Apex in the British Isles, I showed up to the internet as being in Miami Florida so the whole VPN thing might be moot.   Mike in Ohio

It can be funny that way.   On our Cruise we initially were on Miami then Shifted to UK and then later we were shifted back to Miami while on the second cruise to Portugal/Spain and France.  

I also found it VPN helpful in Argentina.   I use Google News as my home page and due to a dispute Argentina blocks Google.   With the VPN I could pretend I was in the U.S.  and read the news.   Not sure if this was ever resolved.

59 minutes ago, Ken the cruiser said: If I might ask, does a VPN increase bandwidth speeds onboard if you are using the Basic internet service rather than the Premium service? On the 4 Caribbean cruises we've been on so far, the Basic internet service speeds have averaged around .75 mbps whereas with the Premium package averaged somewhere between 2 - 2.75 mbps.

Only if you're dealing with a situation where your speed is being throttled for a particular service (such as Netflix or something like that). Since your "basic v. premium" speed is determined by your login, you're not going to be able to get premium speed for the basic price. 

14 minutes ago, DCPIV said:   Only if you're dealing with a situation where your speed is being throttled for a particular service (such as Netflix or something like that). Since your "basic v. premium" speed is determined by your login, you're not going to be able to get premium speed for the basic price. 

I had a feeling that was the answer, but thought I’d ask. Thanks!

I generally travel with my iPad and not my laptop.  For those of you using Nord -- anyone have experience with it on an iPad?  If so -- good?  bad?  Any tips/advice?

Thanks so much!

4 hours ago, Turtles06 said: I generally travel with my iPad and not my laptop.  For those of you using Nord -- anyone have experience with it on an iPad?  If so -- good?  bad?  Any tips/advice?   Thanks so much!

It's pretty much the same as using it on my laptop or phone. If you've never used it before, you'll find it very easy to set up and use. 

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful and concise responses! Would you recommend Nord for a VPN? If so, about how much is it? I saw the different plans and am wondering if there is something I should know about how to choose. Thanks!

19 minutes ago, pisces223 said: Thank you everyone for your thoughtful and concise responses! Would you recommend Nord for a VPN? If so, about how much is it? I saw the different plans and am wondering if there is something I should know about how to choose. Thanks!

For most people, the 'Standard' plan for 2 years is the best value.  The password manager and cloud storage can be had in other ways.  Data breech doesn't seem to do much.

I started with NORD, but I can't remember what, but it wouldn't let me do some "things" -- can't recall what as it was a few years back.  I've been with ExpressVPN and very happy with it. 

Norton anti-virus offers free VPN with its service, but I still use Express.  

Thanks everyone for your responses.  I'll have to remember my settings on my next cruise.

Charles4515

16 hours ago, Turtles06 said: I generally travel with my iPad and not my laptop.  For those of you using Nord -- anyone have experience with it on an iPad?  If so -- good?  bad?  Any tips/advice?   Thanks so much!

Nord has an app. Turn it on and off, pick the server from the app. Pretty simple.

2 hours ago, canderson said: For most people, the 'Standard' plan for 2 years is the best value.  The password manager and cloud storage can be had in other ways.  Data breech doesn't seem to do much.  

There are discount codes available. I got the 2 year at a discounted rate. I can't recall now where I got the code though as it was a while ago. Check around. Also they push add ons by default and I had to delete the add ons as I did not need those. 

goofysmom99

The same three VPNs appear at the top on  Forbes , CNET , and Techradar .  BTW, each of those words is clickable to their current "Best VPN" reviews.  Good articles explaining what VPNs are and how to use them.  (Nord works just as well on my tablet as on my other devices.)  

19 hours ago, Ken the cruiser said: If I might ask, does a VPN increase bandwidth speeds onboard if you are using the Basic internet service rather than the Premium service? On the 4 Caribbean cruises we've been on so far, the Basic internet service speeds have averaged around .75 mbps whereas with the Premium package averaged somewhere between 2 - 2.75 mbps.

Simple answer is NO.     You connect via the package you purchased and if anything the VPN may actually be slower.    The VPN  input is the same .75 mbps and output could be that or below but never higher.

I use both Express VPN and Nord VPN.    I use Nord most of the time because I have a 2 year plan but was using Express VPN quite a bit when Windows 11 first came out.   Initially Nord wasn't compatible but have fixed that.

Not that it matters much I find Express Connects much faster to connect but has fewer servers.    Also often with Express, Google flags it as a VPN because so many people using the same server ip address   and toss in a verification page.   Just a nuisance and then I try a different server

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Cruise line all-inclusive packages: Everything you need to know

L uxury lines aren't the only ones offering all-inclusive cruise packages these days. Mainstream and upscale cruise lines, which traditionally have offered a basic fare and then charged passengers a la carte for onboard expenses, have begun to offer more inclusive fare add-ons. Cruisers are buzzing about these new options, which allow them to pay upfront for popular amenities and not feel nickel-and-dimed on board.

This new pricing strategy, which goes beyond popular drinks packages , has large-ship cruise lines such as Celebrity, Holland America and Princess jockeying to compete with luxury lines and their all-inclusive fares. Small-ship cruise lines Azamara and Windstar have also hopped on the trend.

These packages are designed to make the cruise experience hassle-free by allowing passengers to pay for most of their onboard expenses — such as beverages, Wi-Fi and gratuities — before they board. However, they might not always be the best option for every cruiser.

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Here's a look at which cruise lines offer all-inclusive packages, what's included, how much they cost and the factors that can make them a great deal or a potential waste of money.

Celebrity Cruises' all Included package

The package.

Celebrity Cruises — known for having a grown-up, bar-centric ambience on board its ships — offers an All Included cruise fare on any itinerary (excluding the Galapagos Islands). With this fare type, passengers get two included amenities: basic Wi-Fi and Celebrity's Classic beverage package.

The package used to include crew tips, but Celebrity removed that benefit in 2023.

What's the cost of the All Included package? That depends on the destination, itinerary length and time of year. Celebrity Cruises would not provide an average, but in all the fares we priced out, passengers could expect to pay $70 per person, per day, above the base cruise fare. However, it's possible the difference in pricing can be higher on certain cruises.

When browsing for cruises on Celebrity's website, the prices you will see are the Cruise Only fares (except when noted, mostly on Retreat and AquaClass categories). During the booking process (right after cabin selection), you can choose either the higher All Included fare or the lower-priced Cruise Only fare.

Tip: If you'd like to book a balcony cabin at the All Included price, always price out AquaClass and Concierge cabins, as well. Those room types, which offer extra amenities, sometimes cost just a few dollars more (or even less) at the cruise-only fare than a veranda cabin with the add-on package.

All passengers on the reservation must select the same fare. One person can't book All Included and the other Cruise Only. Families sailing in the same cabin must all book the same fare type, although underage passengers will only have access to nonalcoholic beverages.

Related: Best all-inclusive cruise lines

The two amenities that come with an All Included booking are typically priced as follows:

• Classic beverage package: $89 per person, per day, plus a 20% bar gratuity on every drink ordered
• Basic Wi-Fi: $20 per person, per day

The Classic beverage package only includes drinks priced up to $10. Note that the All Included fare covers the bar gratuity normally charged to guests who purchase a beverage package independently.

Celebrity's Basic Wi-Fi plan is its value-priced option, which offers access to basic web functions: texting on messenger services, web browsing and email.

Let's crunch the numbers. Bought a la carte, Celebrity's Classic beverage package and basic Wi-Fi will cost $109 per person, per day; you will be on the hook for a 20% automatic bar gratuity on each drink ordered.

At $70 extra per person, per day, Celebrity's All Included fares are a good value for cruisers who plan to toss back multiple basic cocktails daily — there's no daily limit — and are content with basic Wi-Fi.

Passengers who book All Included fares can also opt to upgrade to the Premium beverage package (for drinks costing up to $17) for an additional $20 per person per day. This must be done within the Cruise Planner platform after final payment is made and up to two days prior to sailing.

Alternatively, they can pay the overage ($2 on a $12 glass of wine or cocktail, for instance) plus a 20% gratuity on the overage.

That puts the total cost of the All Included package at roughly $90 per person, per day, with the upgraded drinks package. Celebrity's Premium beverage package is regularly priced at $109 per person per day, plus there's an automatic 20% gratuity added to the package price (bringing the total daily cost to $130.80).

That means passengers already considering the Premium Beverage Package will definitely save by purchasing the All Included package.

Celebrity cruisers can also upgrade their package to Premium Wi-Fi — which allows messaging and video chat on messenger services, web browsing, email, social media posting, video chat live and watching videos and movies. The upgrade costs an additional $10 per person per day.

The difference between the All Included package cost with basic or premium Wi-Fi is the same as if you purchased a Wi-Fi plan a la carte.

Holland America's Have It All

Passengers booking a cruise on any Holland America ship now have the option to get four premium amenities included with the Have It All package . The line's premium package makes a HAL cruise semi-inclusive when passengers upgrade their base fare.

Here's what's included:

• The Signature beverage package, which includes wines, beers, spirits, cocktails and nonalcoholic options (such as sodas and specialty coffees) that cost $11 and under, as well as bar gratuities. There's a daily limit of 15 beverages per person.
• Specialty dining, with one dinner at either Pinnacle Grill, Canaletto or Tamarind included on a six- to nine-night cruise; two dinners on a 12- to 20-night cruise; and three dinners on a cruise of 21 days or longer (excluding Grand Voyages).
• Wi-Fi Surf package for web surfing, social media and email on one device.
• Shore excursions credit of $100 per person on a six- to nine-night cruise, $200 on a 12- to 20-night cruise and $300 on a cruise that's 21 days or longer (excluding Grand Voyages).

Related: What's included in your cruise fare?

Right now, the Have It All package costs $50 per person, per day (reduced from $99 per day as of April 21, 2023). This price reduction is a temporary promotion, and an end date is not specified. When it does change, other perks may be added to the promotion.

Two passengers sharing a cabin must both select Have It All at the time of booking. Unlike most cruise all-inclusive packages, however, HAL's Have It All doesn't include crew gratuities. These will be added to passengers' onboard accounts at $16 per person, per day for guests in cabins and $17.50 per day for guests in suites.

Here is what all the elements of the Have It All package would cost if purchased separately for a seven-night cruise:

• Shore excursion credit: $100 per person, per cruise
• Specialty dining: $25-$40, based on restaurant selected
• Wi-Fi: $105 (at $15 per day)
• Signature beverage package: $384.65 (at $54.95 per person, per day)

Right now, the Have It All package costs $350 per person for a seven-night cruise, which is actually less than the $384.65 Holland America charges for its Signature beverage package for a cruise of this length. Plus, passengers get an extra $230 to $245 in shore excursion, specialty dining and Wi-Fi perks. So, at the $50 per person, per day rate, the Have It All Package is a terrific value, even for moderate drinkers.

However, when the price reverts to $99 per person, per day, or $693 per person for a seven-night cruise, the Signature beverage package ($384.65) and shore excursion, specialty dining and Wi-Fi perks ($245) only add up to $629.65. That's $63.95 less than Have It All pricing. Although, with Have It All, service charges of 18% per beverage (or $1.98 per $11 beverage) are included.

So, if you drink around 33 beverages costing $11 on a seven-night cruise (or about five a day) you can break even. And remember, you'll still need to pay daily crew gratuities.

According to Holland America, other/additional perks may become available with the Have It All package when the price changes.

Princess Plus and Princess Premier

Princess Cruises continues to modify the amenities included in its Princess Plus package , which the cruise line says offers at least a 50% savings over a la carte costs (based on a seven-night cruise). Passengers can also book the Princess Premier package for additional included perks said to offer more than 65% savings.

Princess Plus is priced at $60 per person, per day. What's included?

• Plus Beverage Package, which includes drinks up to $15 (with a 15-drink alcoholic beverage limit per day)
• Wi-Fi for one device per guest ($15 per day if booked separately)
• Crew appreciation, aka gratuities ($16 per person per day for stateroom guests or $18 per person per day for suite guests)
• Two "premium desserts" per day (purchased at the Gelateria, Swirls or Coffee and Cones)
• Two fitness classes per cruise
• Unlimited juice bar drinks
• Two "casual dining" meals per guest, per cruise (at casual sit-down restaurants, like Alfredo's and Kai Sushi, and pop-up venues, like Planks and Steamers)
• Room service delivery at no extra charge
• OceanNow delivery (ordering food and items on your app to wherever you are on board) at no extra charge

Princess Premier costs $80 per person, per day. It features the following perks:

• Premier beverage package, which includes drinks up to $20 (with a 15-drink alcoholic beverage limit per day)
• Wi-Fi for up to four devices per guest
• Crew appreciation
• Two specialty dining meals per guest
• Photo package (unlimited digital plus three prints up to 8 inches by 10 inches in size)
• Unlimited "premium desserts" (at Gelateria, Swirls or Coffee and Cones)
• Unlimited fitness classes
• Wearable Medallion accessory
• Reserved theater seating for production shows
• Unlimited casual dining
• OceanNow delivery at no extra charge
• Princess Prizes (a chance to win extras like a wine tasting, Chef's Table experience, onboard credit or even a free cruise)

For either plan, each beverage package also includes bar gratuities (18% per beverage when ordered without the Plus or Premier packages). Passengers under 21 will automatically receive the Zero Alcohol package, which includes fountain sodas, juice bar, fresh juices, bottled water, specialty coffees and teas, frappes, milkshakes and Red Bull energy drinks.

Both packages are capacity-controlled and, if sold out, may not be available for all cabin categories at the time of booking; if available, they can also be purchased on the first day of a cruise.

The first and second guests in a cabin must each book the same Plus or Premier package, but the third and fourth guests are not obligated to do so, meaning a family doesn't have to pay for amenities that kids won't use.

Wi-Fi, specialty dining and the photo package are shareable, so a family of four with two parents on the Princess Premier plan can have their children's devices on Wi-Fi, take home great family photos and enjoy one specialty dining experience with the entire family.

It might take a while to add up the cost of all the amenities, but you don't have to. For couples, the Princess Plus package is a no-brainer.

Wi-Fi and crew appreciation (totaling $31-$33 per person, per day) alone account for more than 50% of the $60 per person, per day (or $420 per person for a seven-night cruise) package charge. With less than $30 per day left to break even and with drinks up to $15 included, you don't have to overindulge to get your money's worth. Those premium desserts, casual meals, fitness classes and unlimited juice bar beverages are the icing on the cake.

For $80 per person, per day, or $540 per person for a seven-night cruise, Princess Premier offers additional savings — mostly if you already planned on purchasing a beverage package and think you'll use at least some of the other perks.

Related: Are cruise line drinks packages worth the price? What to know before you buy

The Premier Beverage Package costs $84.99 per person, per day, which is more than the price of the Princess Premier all-inclusive package. If you prefer premium wines and spirits and were planning on purchasing the upgraded drinks package, Princess Premier will more than pay for itself.

The two specialty dining meals are valued at $74 per person, per cruise, or more; this also gets you close to breaking even if you weren't going to purchase a beverage package. Wi-Fi for up to four devices normally costs $40 per day or $280 per seven-night cruise. Combine the two, and you're already ahead. Unlimited desserts, casual dining, fitness classes and juice bar drinks only add to your value.

The bottom line: At $80 per day, Princess Premier can be a good value — especially in comparison to other cruise-line all-inclusive packages costing the same or even more.

Azamara's Experience More

While Azamara 's basic cruise fares already include crew gratuities and standard spirits, beers and select wines (a choice of two whites, two reds and a rose daily), the cruise line's Experience More packages bundle additional onboard amenities at savings of 27% to 32%.

There are four options priced per couple/cabin and one designed for solo travelers. All are available on cruises of eight days or longer, with the exception of one package specific to shorter sailings (seven days or fewer).

The least expensive option for two people sharing a cabin is the Experience More Essentials package. It includes a Premium Beverage Package for two (with additional beer and spirits selections), unlimited Wi-Fi for one device and a $300 shore excursion credit. It's priced at $699 per cabin.

The Experience More on Short Cruises package is the only one available on sailings of seven days or fewer. It includes the Ultimate Beverage Package for two, unlimited Wi-Fi for one device, a $200 shore excursion credit, a $100 onboard spa credit, Chef's Table (a multicourse tasting menu) or Three Table Tour (one night at Aqualina, one night at Prime C and one night at your choice of restaurant) and one bag of laundry per voyage. It's priced at $799 for two people in the same cabin.

Related: Why you should splurge on a cruise ship specialty restaurant

The Experience More Enjoyment package includes the Premium Beverage Package for two, unlimited Wi-Fi for two devices, a $500 shore excursion credit and a $200 onboard spa credit. It's priced at $1,099 for two people.

The most comprehensive option for two people is the Experience More Indulgence package. It includes the Ultimate Beverage Package for two, unlimited Wi-Fi for two devices, $700 shore excursion credit, $250 onboard spa credit, Chef's Table or Three Table Tour, and five bags of laundry during the voyage. It's priced at $1,599 for two people.

Singles can get in on the savings, too, with the Experience More for Solo Travelers package. It features the Ultimate Beverage Package for one, unlimited Wi-Fi for one device, a $350 shore excursions credit, a $150 onboard spa credit, Chef's Table or Three Table Tour, and three bags of laundry during the voyage. It's priced at $899 per person.

What's the difference between the Premium and Ultimate beverage packages in these offers? The Premium package includes a larger selection of beer than the included list, plus name-brand spirits such as Absolut, Captain Morgan and Bombay Sapphire. The Ultimate package includes all the Premium offerings plus a selection of wine and Champagne by the glass, Evian and Perrier water and more top-shelf spirits.

If bought separately, the Premium package costs $16.95 per person, per day, and the Ultimate package costs $23.95 per person, per day.

Azamara has done the math for passengers:

• Experience More Essentials: priced at $699, valued at $958.50
• Experience More on Short Cruises: priced at $799, valued at $1,103
• Experience More Enjoyment: priced at $1,099, valued at $1,637
• Experience More Indulgence: priced at $1,599, valued at $2,357
• Experience More for Solo Travelers: priced at $899, valued at $1,224

If you already plan on booking shore excursions and specialty dining reservations, enjoying wine and spirits beyond those included in the cruise fare, using Wi-Fi and paying for amenities such as specialty dining or spa treatments, the all-inclusive upgrades offer good value.

However, if you don't plan to take advantage of all the extra-fee services on board, you'll need to do the math around the amenities you would use to determine whether a package is right for you.

Windstar Cruises' All-Inclusive Fare and All-In Package

Windstar Cruises offers an All-Inclusive Fare option for a set daily fee. For Windstar, all-inclusive means unlimited beverages, unlimited Wi-Fi and all gratuities. Passengers can also still opt to book a base cruise-only fare and pay for onboard expenses on an a la carte basis.

Passengers who choose the All-Inclusive Fare prepay $89 per person, per day; the package must be booked within five days of the sail date. Those who book a cruise-only fare can also purchase the All-In Package for $99 per person, per day once they are on board.

Both the inclusive fares and onboard package cover unlimited Wi-Fi, crew gratuities and wine, beer and cocktails ordered on board (as well as the 18% beverage service charge usually tacked onto bar bills).

We took a look at the a la carte items included in the inclusive package to determine the value of Windstar's offering (based on a weeklong sailing).

• Crew gratuities: $16 per person, per day
• Beverage package: $65 (for Captain's Exclusive Beverage Package, which includes cocktails, aperitifs and more). These also incur an 18% service charge.
• Unlimited Wi-Fi: $245 for a seven-night cruise ($35 per person, per day)

Wi-Fi and tips account for $51 of the $89 daily charge before factoring in bar charges. That leaves $38 for beverages. So, the value is there with the All-Inclusive Fare if you plan to enjoy at least three or four alcoholic beverages daily throughout your cruise — and you'll avoid the added service charges.

However, guests who only indulge in the occasional glass of wine or cocktail will not see the full value of the package. Similarly, passengers who prefer to buy one of Windstar's cheaper, more limited usage Wi-Fi plans (200 megabytes or 500 megabytes of data) or intend to share the cost of the Unlimited Wi-Fi plan by logging in one device at a time, might find the $89 or $99 daily charge is not worth it.

Bottom line

Should you upgrade to one of these packages? While convenience is certainly a motivating factor, whether a plan has value depends in most cases on what you think your bar tab will be.

If vacation mode means you'll be tossing back tropical cocktails at the pool all day or enjoying multiple glasses of wine at both lunch and dinner, booking an all-inclusive package is a smart option. If you're not a big drinker or enthusiastic social media user, the better deal is sometimes to stick with the basic fare and pay as you go for what you use.

Planning a cruise? Start with these stories:

• The 5 most desirable cabin locations on any cruise ship
• A beginners guide to picking a cruise line
• The 8 worst cabin locations on any cruise ship
• The ultimate guide to what to pack for a cruise
• A quick guide to the most popular cruise lines
• 21 tips and tricks that will make your cruise go smoothly
• 15 ways cruisers waste money
• The ultimate guide to choosing a cruise ship cabin

Editorial disclaimer: Opinions expressed here are the author’s alone, not those of any bank, credit card issuer, airline or hotel chain, and have not been reviewed, approved or otherwise endorsed by any of these entities.

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Crying Myself to Sleep on the Biggest Cruise Ship Ever

Seven agonizing nights aboard the Icon of the Seas

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Updated at 2:44 p.m. ET on April 6, 2024.

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MY FIRST GLIMPSE of Royal Caribbean’s Icon of the Seas, from the window of an approaching Miami cab, brings on a feeling of vertigo, nausea, amazement, and distress. I shut my eyes in defense, as my brain tells my optic nerve to try again.

The ship makes no sense, vertically or horizontally. It makes no sense on sea, or on land, or in outer space. It looks like a hodgepodge of domes and minarets, tubes and canopies, like Istanbul had it been designed by idiots. Vibrant, oversignifying colors are stacked upon other such colors, decks perched over still more decks; the only comfort is a row of lifeboats ringing its perimeter. There is no imposed order, no cogent thought, and, for those who do not harbor a totalitarian sense of gigantomania, no visual mercy. This is the biggest cruise ship ever built, and I have been tasked with witnessing its inaugural voyage.

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“Author embarks on their first cruise-ship voyage” has been a staple of American essay writing for almost three decades, beginning with David Foster Wallace’s “A Supposedly Fun Thing I’ll Never Do Again,” which was first published in 1996 under the title “Shipping Out.” Since then, many admirable writers have widened and diversified the genre. Usually the essayist commissioned to take to the sea is in their first or second flush of youth and is ready to sharpen their wit against the hull of the offending vessel. I am 51, old and tired, having seen much of the world as a former travel journalist, and mostly what I do in both life and prose is shrug while muttering to my imaginary dachshund, “This too shall pass.” But the Icon of the Seas will not countenance a shrug. The Icon of the Seas is the Linda Loman of cruise ships, exclaiming that attention must be paid. And here I am in late January with my one piece of luggage and useless gray winter jacket and passport, zipping through the Port of Miami en route to the gangway that will separate me from the bulk of North America for more than seven days, ready to pay it in full.

The aforementioned gangway opens up directly onto a thriving mall (I will soon learn it is imperiously called the “Royal Promenade”), presently filled with yapping passengers beneath a ceiling studded with balloons ready to drop. Crew members from every part of the global South, as well as a few Balkans, are shepherding us along while pressing flutes of champagne into our hands. By a humming Starbucks, I drink as many of these as I can and prepare to find my cabin. I show my blue Suite Sky SeaPass Card (more on this later, much more) to a smiling woman from the Philippines, and she tells me to go “aft.” Which is where, now? As someone who has rarely sailed on a vessel grander than the Staten Island Ferry, I am confused. It turns out that the aft is the stern of the ship, or, for those of us who don’t know what a stern or an aft are, its ass. The nose of the ship, responsible for separating the waves before it, is also called a bow, and is marked for passengers as the FWD , or forward. The part of the contemporary sailing vessel where the malls are clustered is called the midship. I trust that you have enjoyed this nautical lesson.

I ascend via elevator to my suite on Deck 11. This is where I encounter my first terrible surprise. My suite windows and balcony do not face the ocean. Instead, they look out onto another shopping mall. This mall is the one that’s called Central Park, perhaps in homage to the Olmsted-designed bit of greenery in the middle of my hometown. Although on land I would be delighted to own a suite with Central Park views, here I am deeply depressed. To sail on a ship and not wake up to a vast blue carpet of ocean? Unthinkable.

Allow me a brief preamble here. The story you are reading was commissioned at a moment when most staterooms on the Icon were sold out. In fact, so enthralled by the prospect of this voyage were hard-core mariners that the ship’s entire inventory of guest rooms (the Icon can accommodate up to 7,600 passengers, but its inaugural journey was reduced to 5,000 or so for a less crowded experience) was almost immediately sold out. Hence, this publication was faced with the shocking prospect of paying nearly $19,000 to procure for this solitary passenger an entire suite—not including drinking expenses—all for the privilege of bringing you this article. But the suite in question doesn’t even have a view of the ocean! I sit down hard on my soft bed. Nineteen thousand dollars for this .

The viewless suite does have its pluses. In addition to all the Malin+Goetz products in my dual bathrooms, I am granted use of a dedicated Suite Deck lounge; access to Coastal Kitchen, a superior restaurant for Suites passengers; complimentary VOOM SM Surf & Stream (“the fastest Internet at Sea”) “for one device per person for the whole cruise duration”; a pair of bathrobes (one of which comes prestained with what looks like a large expectoration by the greenest lizard on Earth); and use of the Grove Suite Sun, an area on Decks 18 and 19 with food and deck chairs reserved exclusively for Suite passengers. I also get reserved seating for a performance of The Wizard of Oz , an ice-skating tribute to the periodic table, and similar provocations. The very color of my Suite Sky SeaPass Card, an oceanic blue as opposed to the cloying royal purple of the standard non-Suite passenger, will soon provoke envy and admiration. But as high as my status may be, there are those on board who have much higher status still, and I will soon learn to bow before them.

In preparation for sailing, I have “priced in,” as they say on Wall Street, the possibility that I may come from a somewhat different monde than many of the other cruisers. Without falling into stereotypes or preconceptions, I prepare myself for a friendly outspokenness on the part of my fellow seafarers that may not comply with modern DEI standards. I believe in meeting people halfway, and so the day before flying down to Miami, I visited what remains of Little Italy to purchase a popular T-shirt that reads DADDY’S LITTLE MEATBALL across the breast in the colors of the Italian flag. My wife recommended that I bring one of my many T-shirts featuring Snoopy and the Peanuts gang, as all Americans love the beagle and his friends. But I naively thought that my meatball T-shirt would be more suitable for conversation-starting. “Oh, and who is your ‘daddy’?” some might ask upon seeing it. “And how long have you been his ‘little meatball’?” And so on.

I put on my meatball T-shirt and head for one of the dining rooms to get a late lunch. In the elevator, I stick out my chest for all to read the funny legend upon it, but soon I realize that despite its burnished tricolor letters, no one takes note. More to the point, no one takes note of me. Despite my attempts at bridge building, the very sight of me (small, ethnic, without a cap bearing the name of a football team) elicits no reaction from other passengers. Most often, they will small-talk over me as if I don’t exist. This brings to mind the travails of David Foster Wallace , who felt so ostracized by his fellow passengers that he retreated to his cabin for much of his voyage. And Wallace was raised primarily in the Midwest and was a much larger, more American-looking meatball than I am. If he couldn’t talk to these people, how will I? What if I leave this ship without making any friends at all, despite my T-shirt? I am a social creature, and the prospect of seven days alone and apart is saddening. Wallace’s stateroom, at least, had a view of the ocean, a kind of cheap eternity.

Worse awaits me in the dining room. This is a large, multichandeliered room where I attended my safety training (I was shown how to put on a flotation vest; it is a very simple procedure). But the maître d’ politely refuses me entry in an English that seems to verge on another language. “I’m sorry, this is only for pendejos ,” he seems to be saying. I push back politely and he repeats himself. Pendejos ? Piranhas? There’s some kind of P-word to which I am not attuned. Meanwhile elderly passengers stream right past, powered by their limbs, walkers, and electric wheelchairs. “It is only pendejo dining today, sir.” “But I have a suite!” I say, already starting to catch on to the ship’s class system. He examines my card again. “But you are not a pendejo ,” he confirms. I am wearing a DADDY’S LITTLE MEATBALL T-shirt, I want to say to him. I am the essence of pendejo .

Eventually, I give up and head to the plebeian buffet on Deck 15, which has an aquatic-styled name I have now forgotten. Before gaining entry to this endless cornucopia of reheated food, one passes a washing station of many sinks and soap dispensers, and perhaps the most intriguing character on the entire ship. He is Mr. Washy Washy—or, according to his name tag, Nielbert of the Philippines—and he is dressed as a taco (on other occasions, I’ll see him dressed as a burger). Mr. Washy Washy performs an eponymous song in spirited, indeed flamboyant English: “Washy, washy, wash your hands, WASHY WASHY!” The dangers of norovirus and COVID on a cruise ship this size (a giant fellow ship was stricken with the former right after my voyage) makes Mr. Washy Washy an essential member of the crew. The problem lies with the food at the end of Washy’s rainbow. The buffet is groaning with what sounds like sophisticated dishes—marinated octopus, boiled egg with anchovy, chorizo, lobster claws—but every animal tastes tragically the same, as if there was only one creature available at the market, a “cruisipus” bred specifically for Royal Caribbean dining. The “vegetables” are no better. I pick up a tomato slice and look right through it. It tastes like cellophane. I sit alone, apart from the couples and parents with gaggles of children, as “We Are Family” echoes across the buffet space.

I may have failed to mention that all this time, the Icon of the Seas has not left port. As the fiery mango of the subtropical setting sun makes Miami’s condo skyline even more apocalyptic, the ship shoves off beneath a perfunctory display of fireworks. After the sun sets, in the far, dark distance, another circus-lit cruise ship ruptures the waves before us. We glance at it with pity, because it is by definition a smaller ship than our own. I am on Deck 15, outside the buffet and overlooking a bunch of pools (the Icon has seven of them), drinking a frilly drink that I got from one of the bars (the Icon has 15 of them), still too shy to speak to anyone, despite Sister Sledge’s assertion that all on the ship are somehow related.

Kim Brooks: On failing the family vacation

The ship’s passage away from Ron DeSantis’s Florida provides no frisson, no sense of developing “sea legs,” as the ship is too large to register the presence of waves unless a mighty wind adds significant chop. It is time for me to register the presence of the 5,000 passengers around me, even if they refuse to register mine. My fellow travelers have prepared for this trip with personally decorated T-shirts celebrating the importance of this voyage. The simplest ones say ICON INAUGURAL ’24 on the back and the family name on the front. Others attest to an over-the-top love of cruise ships: WARNING! MAY START TALKING ABOUT CRUISING . Still others are artisanally designed and celebrate lifetimes spent married while cruising (on ships, of course). A couple possibly in their 90s are wearing shirts whose backs feature a drawing of a cruise liner, two flamingos with ostensibly male and female characteristics, and the legend “ HUSBAND AND WIFE Cruising Partners FOR LIFE WE MAY NOT HAVE IT All Together BUT TOGETHER WE HAVE IT ALL .” (The words not in all caps have been written in cursive.) A real journalist or a more intrepid conversationalist would have gone up to the couple and asked them to explain the longevity of their marriage vis-à-vis their love of cruising. But instead I head to my mall suite, take off my meatball T-shirt, and allow the first tears of the cruise to roll down my cheeks slowly enough that I briefly fall asleep amid the moisture and salt.

I WAKE UP with a hangover. Oh God. Right. I cannot believe all of that happened last night. A name floats into my cobwebbed, nauseated brain: “Ayn Rand.” Jesus Christ.

I breakfast alone at the Coastal Kitchen. The coffee tastes fine and the eggs came out of a bird. The ship rolls slightly this morning; I can feel it in my thighs and my schlong, the parts of me that are most receptive to danger.

I had a dangerous conversation last night. After the sun set and we were at least 50 miles from shore (most modern cruise ships sail at about 23 miles an hour), I lay in bed softly hiccupping, my arms stretched out exactly like Jesus on the cross, the sound of the distant waves missing from my mall-facing suite, replaced by the hum of air-conditioning and children shouting in Spanish through the vents of my two bathrooms. I decided this passivity was unacceptable. As an immigrant, I feel duty-bound to complete the tasks I am paid for, which means reaching out and trying to understand my fellow cruisers. So I put on a normal James Perse T-shirt and headed for one of the bars on the Royal Promenade—the Schooner Bar, it was called, if memory serves correctly.

I sat at the bar for a martini and two Negronis. An old man with thick, hairy forearms drank next to me, very silent and Hemingwaylike, while a dreadlocked piano player tinkled out a series of excellent Elton John covers. To my right, a young white couple—he in floral shorts, she in a light, summery miniskirt with a fearsome diamond ring, neither of them in football regalia—chatted with an elderly couple. Do it , I commanded myself. Open your mouth. Speak! Speak without being spoken to. Initiate. A sentence fragment caught my ear from the young woman, “Cherry Hill.” This is a suburb of Philadelphia in New Jersey, and I had once been there for a reading at a synagogue. “Excuse me,” I said gently to her. “Did you just mention Cherry Hill? It’s a lovely place.”

As it turned out, the couple now lived in Fort Lauderdale (the number of Floridians on the cruise surprised me, given that Southern Florida is itself a kind of cruise ship, albeit one slowly sinking), but soon they were talking with me exclusively—the man potbellied, with a chin like a hard-boiled egg; the woman as svelte as if she were one of the many Ukrainian members of the crew—the elderly couple next to them forgotten. This felt as groundbreaking as the first time I dared to address an American in his native tongue, as a child on a bus in Queens (“On my foot you are standing, Mister”).

“I don’t want to talk politics,” the man said. “But they’re going to eighty-six Biden and put Michelle in.”

I considered the contradictions of his opening conversational gambit, but decided to play along. “People like Michelle,” I said, testing the waters. The husband sneered, but the wife charitably put forward that the former first lady was “more personable” than Joe Biden. “They’re gonna eighty-six Biden,” the husband repeated. “He can’t put a sentence together.”

After I mentioned that I was a writer—though I presented myself as a writer of teleplays instead of novels and articles such as this one—the husband told me his favorite writer was Ayn Rand. “Ayn Rand, she came here with nothing,” the husband said. “I work with a lot of Cubans, so …” I wondered if I should mention what I usually do to ingratiate myself with Republicans or libertarians: the fact that my finances improved after pass-through corporations were taxed differently under Donald Trump. Instead, I ordered another drink and the couple did the same, and I told him that Rand and I were born in the same city, St. Petersburg/Leningrad, and that my family also came here with nothing. Now the bonding and drinking began in earnest, and several more rounds appeared. Until it all fell apart.

Read: Gary Shteyngart on watching Russian television for five days straight

My new friend, whom I will refer to as Ayn, called out to a buddy of his across the bar, and suddenly a young couple, both covered in tattoos, appeared next to us. “He fucking punked me,” Ayn’s frat-boy-like friend called out as he put his arm around Ayn, while his sizable partner sizzled up to Mrs. Rand. Both of them had a look I have never seen on land—their eyes projecting absence and enmity in equal measure. In the ’90s, I drank with Russian soldiers fresh from Chechnya and wandered the streets of wartime Zagreb, but I have never seen such undisguised hostility toward both me and perhaps the universe at large. I was briefly introduced to this psychopathic pair, but neither of them wanted to have anything to do with me, and the tattooed woman would not even reveal her Christian name to me (she pretended to have the same first name as Mrs. Rand). To impress his tattooed friends, Ayn made fun of the fact that as a television writer, I’d worked on the series Succession (which, it would turn out, practically nobody on the ship had watched), instead of the far more palatable, in his eyes, zombie drama of last year. And then my new friends drifted away from me into an angry private conversation—“He punked me!”—as I ordered another drink for myself, scared of the dead-eyed arrivals whose gaze never registered in the dim wattage of the Schooner Bar, whose terrifying voices and hollow laughs grated like unoiled gears against the crooning of “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road.”

But today is a new day for me and my hangover. After breakfast, I explore the ship’s so-called neighborhoods . There’s the AquaDome, where one can find a food hall and an acrobatic sound-and-light aquatic show. Central Park has a premium steak house, a sushi joint, and a used Rolex that can be bought for $8,000 on land here proudly offered at $17,000. There’s the aforementioned Royal Promenade, where I had drunk with the Rands, and where a pair of dueling pianos duel well into the night. There’s Surfside, a kids’ neighborhood full of sugary garbage, which looks out onto the frothy trail that the behemoth leaves behind itself. Thrill Island refers to the collection of tubes that clutter the ass of the ship and offer passengers six waterslides and a surfing simulation. There’s the Hideaway, an adult zone that plays music from a vomit-slathered, Brit-filled Alicante nightclub circa 1996 and proves a big favorite with groups of young Latin American customers. And, most hurtfully, there’s the Suite Neighborhood.

I say hurtfully because as a Suite passenger I should be here, though my particular suite is far from the others. Whereas I am stuck amid the riffraff of Deck 11, this section is on the highborn Decks 16 and 17, and in passing, I peek into the spacious, tall-ceilinged staterooms from the hallway, dazzled by the glint of the waves and sun. For $75,000, one multifloor suite even comes with its own slide between floors, so that a family may enjoy this particular terror in private. There is a quiet splendor to the Suite Neighborhood. I see fewer stickers and signs and drawings than in my own neighborhood—for example, MIKE AND DIANA PROUDLY SERVED U.S. MARINE CORPS RETIRED . No one here needs to announce their branch of service or rank; they are simply Suites, and this is where they belong. Once again, despite my hard work and perseverance, I have been disallowed from the true American elite. Once again, I am “Not our class, dear.” I am reminded of watching The Love Boat on my grandmother’s Zenith, which either was given to her or we found in the trash (I get our many malfunctioning Zeniths confused) and whose tube got so hot, I would put little chunks of government cheese on a thin tissue atop it to give our welfare treat a pleasant, Reagan-era gooeyness. I could not understand English well enough then to catch the nuances of that seafaring program, but I knew that there were differences in the status of the passengers, and that sometimes those differences made them sad. Still, this ship, this plenty—every few steps, there are complimentary nachos or milkshakes or gyros on offer—was the fatty fuel of my childhood dreams. If only I had remained a child.

I walk around the outdoor decks looking for company. There is a middle-aged African American couple who always seem to be asleep in each other’s arms, probably exhausted from the late capitalism they regularly encounter on land. There is far more diversity on this ship than I expected. Many couples are a testament to Loving v. Virginia , and there is a large group of folks whose T-shirts read MELANIN AT SEA / IT’S THE MELANIN FOR ME . I smile when I see them, but then some young kids from the group makes Mr. Washy Washy do a cruel, caricatured “Burger Dance” (today he is in his burger getup), and I think, Well, so much for intersectionality .

At the infinity pool on Deck 17, I spot some elderly women who could be ethnic and from my part of the world, and so I jump in. I am proved correct! Many of them seem to be originally from Queens (“Corona was still great when it was all Italian”), though they are now spread across the tristate area. We bond over the way “Ron-kon-koma” sounds when announced in Penn Station.

“Everyone is here for a different reason,” one of them tells me. She and her ex-husband last sailed together four years ago to prove to themselves that their marriage was truly over. Her 15-year-old son lost his virginity to “an Irish young lady” while their ship was moored in Ravenna, Italy. The gaggle of old-timers competes to tell me their favorite cruising stories and tips. “A guy proposed in Central Park a couple of years ago”—many Royal Caribbean ships apparently have this ridiculous communal area—“and she ran away screaming!” “If you’re diamond-class, you get four drinks for free.” “A different kind of passenger sails out of Bayonne.” (This, perhaps, is racially coded.) “Sometimes, if you tip the bartender $5, your next drink will be free.”

“Everyone’s here for a different reason,” the woman whose marriage ended on a cruise tells me again. “Some people are here for bad reasons—the drinkers and the gamblers. Some people are here for medical reasons.” I have seen more than a few oxygen tanks and at least one woman clearly undergoing very serious chemo. Some T-shirts celebrate good news about a cancer diagnosis. This might be someone’s last cruise or week on Earth. For these women, who have spent months, if not years, at sea, cruising is a ritual as well as a life cycle: first love, last love, marriage, divorce, death.

Read: The last place on Earth any tourist should go

I have talked with these women for so long, tonight I promise myself that after a sad solitary dinner I will not try to seek out company at the bars in the mall or the adult-themed Hideaway. I have enough material to fulfill my duties to this publication. As I approach my orphaned suite, I run into the aggro young people who stole Mr. and Mrs. Rand away from me the night before. The tattooed apparitions pass me without a glance. She is singing something violent about “Stuttering Stanley” (a character in a popular horror movie, as I discover with my complimentary VOOM SM Surf & Stream Internet at Sea) and he’s loudly shouting about “all the money I’ve lost,” presumably at the casino in the bowels of the ship.

So these bent psychos out of a Cormac McCarthy novel are angrily inhabiting my deck. As I mewl myself to sleep, I envision a limited series for HBO or some other streamer, a kind of low-rent White Lotus , where several aggressive couples conspire to throw a shy intellectual interloper overboard. I type the scenario into my phone. As I fall asleep, I think of what the woman who recently divorced her husband and whose son became a man through the good offices of the Irish Republic told me while I was hoisting myself out of the infinity pool. “I’m here because I’m an explorer. I’m here because I’m trying something new.” What if I allowed myself to believe in her fantasy?

“YOU REALLY STARTED AT THE TOP,” they tell me. I’m at the Coastal Kitchen for my eggs and corned-beef hash, and the maître d’ has slotted me in between two couples. Fueled by coffee or perhaps intrigued by my relative youth, they strike up a conversation with me. As always, people are shocked that this is my first cruise. They contrast the Icon favorably with all the preceding liners in the Royal Caribbean fleet, usually commenting on the efficiency of the elevators that hurl us from deck to deck (as in many large corporate buildings, the elevators ask you to choose a floor and then direct you to one of many lifts). The couple to my right, from Palo Alto—he refers to his “porn mustache” and calls his wife “my cougar” because she is two years older—tell me they are “Pandemic Pinnacles.”

This is the day that my eyes will be opened. Pinnacles , it is explained to me over translucent cantaloupe, have sailed with Royal Caribbean for 700 ungodly nights. Pandemic Pinnacles took advantage of the two-for-one accrual rate of Pinnacle points during the pandemic, when sailing on a cruise ship was even more ill-advised, to catapult themselves into Pinnacle status.

Because of the importance of the inaugural voyage of the world’s largest cruise liner, more than 200 Pinnacles are on this ship, a startling number, it seems. Mrs. Palo Alto takes out a golden badge that I have seen affixed over many a breast, which reads CROWN AND ANCHOR SOCIETY along with her name. This is the coveted badge of the Pinnacle. “You should hear all the whining in Guest Services,” her husband tells me. Apparently, the Pinnacles who are not also Suites like us are all trying to use their status to get into Coastal Kitchen, our elite restaurant. Even a Pinnacle needs to be a Suite to access this level of corned-beef hash.

“We’re just baby Pinnacles,” Mrs. Palo Alto tells me, describing a kind of internal class struggle among the Pinnacle elite for ever higher status.

And now I understand what the maître d’ was saying to me on the first day of my cruise. He wasn’t saying “ pendejo .” He was saying “Pinnacle.” The dining room was for Pinnacles only, all those older people rolling in like the tide on their motorized scooters.

And now I understand something else: This whole thing is a cult. And like most cults, it can’t help but mirror the endless American fight for status. Like Keith Raniere’s NXIVM, where different-colored sashes were given out to connote rank among Raniere’s branded acolytes, this is an endless competition among Pinnacles, Suites, Diamond-Plusers, and facing-the-mall, no-balcony purple SeaPass Card peasants, not to mention the many distinctions within each category. The more you cruise, the higher your status. No wonder a section of the Royal Promenade is devoted to getting passengers to book their next cruise during the one they should be enjoying now. No wonder desperate Royal Caribbean offers (“FINAL HOURS”) crowded my email account weeks before I set sail. No wonder the ship’s jewelry store, the Royal Bling, is selling a $100,000 golden chalice that will entitle its owner to drink free on Royal Caribbean cruises for life. (One passenger was already gaming out whether her 28-year-old son was young enough to “just about earn out” on the chalice or if that ship had sailed.) No wonder this ship was sold out months before departure , and we had to pay $19,000 for a horrid suite away from the Suite Neighborhood. No wonder the most mythical hero of Royal Caribbean lore is someone named Super Mario, who has cruised so often, he now has his own working desk on many ships. This whole experience is part cult, part nautical pyramid scheme.

From the June 2014 issue: Ship of wonks

“The toilets are amazing,” the Palo Altos are telling me. “One flush and you’re done.” “They don’t understand how energy-efficient these ships are,” the husband of the other couple is telling me. “They got the LNG”—liquefied natural gas, which is supposed to make the Icon a boon to the environment (a concept widely disputed and sometimes ridiculed by environmentalists).

But I’m thinking along a different line of attack as I spear my last pallid slice of melon. For my streaming limited series, a Pinnacle would have to get killed by either an outright peasant or a Suite without an ocean view. I tell my breakfast companions my idea.

“Oh, for sure a Pinnacle would have to be killed,” Mr. Palo Alto, the Pandemic Pinnacle, says, touching his porn mustache thoughtfully as his wife nods.

“THAT’S RIGHT, IT’S your time, buddy!” Hubert, my fun-loving Panamanian cabin attendant, shouts as I step out of my suite in a robe. “Take it easy, buddy!”

I have come up with a new dressing strategy. Instead of trying to impress with my choice of T-shirts, I have decided to start wearing a robe, as one does at a resort property on land, with a proper spa and hammam. The response among my fellow cruisers has been ecstatic. “Look at you in the robe!” Mr. Rand cries out as we pass each other by the Thrill Island aqua park. “You’re living the cruise life! You know, you really drank me under the table that night.” I laugh as we part ways, but my soul cries out, Please spend more time with me, Mr. and Mrs. Rand; I so need the company .

In my white robe, I am a stately presence, a refugee from a better limited series, a one-man crossover episode. (Only Suites are granted these robes to begin with.) Today, I will try many of the activities these ships have on offer to provide their clientele with a sense of never-ceasing motion. Because I am already at Thrill Island, I decide to climb the staircase to what looks like a mast on an old-fashioned ship (terrified, because I am afraid of heights) to try a ride called “Storm Chasers,” which is part of the “Category 6” water park, named in honor of one of the storms that may someday do away with the Port of Miami entirely. Storm Chasers consists of falling from the “mast” down a long, twisting neon tube filled with water, like being the camera inside your own colonoscopy, as you hold on to the handles of a mat, hoping not to die. The tube then flops you down headfirst into a trough of water, a Royal Caribbean baptism. It both knocks my breath out and makes me sad.

In keeping with the aquatic theme, I attend a show at the AquaDome. To the sound of “Live and Let Die,” a man in a harness gyrates to and fro in the sultry air. I saw something very similar in the back rooms of the famed Berghain club in early-aughts Berlin. Soon another harnessed man is gyrating next to the first. Ja , I think to myself, I know how this ends. Now will come the fisting , natürlich . But the show soon devolves into the usual Marvel-film-grade nonsense, with too much light and sound signifying nichts . If any fisting is happening, it is probably in the Suite Neighborhood, inside a cabin marked with an upside-down pineapple, which I understand means a couple are ready to swing, and I will see none of it.

I go to the ice show, which is a kind of homage—if that’s possible—to the periodic table, done with the style and pomp and masterful precision that would please the likes of Kim Jong Un, if only he could afford Royal Caribbean talent. At one point, the dancers skate to the theme song of Succession . “See that!” I want to say to my fellow Suites—at “cultural” events, we have a special section reserved for us away from the commoners—“ Succession ! It’s even better than the zombie show! Open your minds!”

Finally, I visit a comedy revue in an enormous and too brightly lit version of an “intimate,” per Royal Caribbean literature, “Manhattan comedy club.” Many of the jokes are about the cruising life. “I’ve lived on ships for 20 years,” one of the middle-aged comedians says. “I can only see so many Filipino homosexuals dressed as a taco.” He pauses while the audience laughs. “I am so fired tonight,” he says. He segues into a Trump impression and then Biden falling asleep at the microphone, which gets the most laughs. “Anyone here from Fort Leonard Wood?” another comedian asks. Half the crowd seems to cheer. As I fall asleep that night, I realize another connection I have failed to make, and one that may explain some of the diversity on this vessel—many of its passengers have served in the military.

As a coddled passenger with a suite, I feel like I am starting to understand what it means to have a rank and be constantly reminded of it. There are many espresso makers , I think as I look across the expanse of my officer-grade quarters before closing my eyes, but this one is mine .

A shocking sight greets me beyond the pools of Deck 17 as I saunter over to the Coastal Kitchen for my morning intake of slightly sour Americanos. A tiny city beneath a series of perfectly pressed green mountains. Land! We have docked for a brief respite in Basseterre, the capital of St. Kitts and Nevis. I wolf down my egg scramble to be one of the first passengers off the ship. Once past the gangway, I barely refrain from kissing the ground. I rush into the sights and sounds of this scruffy island city, sampling incredible conch curry and buckets of non-Starbucks coffee. How wonderful it is to be where God intended humans to be: on land. After all, I am neither a fish nor a mall rat. This is my natural environment. Basseterre may not be Havana, but there are signs of human ingenuity and desire everywhere you look. The Black Table Grill Has been Relocated to Soho Village, Market Street, Directly Behind of, Gary’s Fruits and Flower Shop. Signed. THE PORK MAN reads a sign stuck to a wall. Now, that is how you write a sign. A real sign, not the come-ons for overpriced Rolexes that blink across the screens of the Royal Promenade.

“Hey, tie your shoestring!” a pair of laughing ladies shout to me across the street.

“Thank you!” I shout back. Shoestring! “Thank you very much.”

A man in Independence Square Park comes by and asks if I want to play with his monkey. I haven’t heard that pickup line since the Penn Station of the 1980s. But then he pulls a real monkey out of a bag. The monkey is wearing a diaper and looks insane. Wonderful , I think, just wonderful! There is so much life here. I email my editor asking if I can remain on St. Kitts and allow the Icon to sail off into the horizon without me. I have even priced a flight home at less than $300, and I have enough material from the first four days on the cruise to write the entire story. “It would be funny …” my editor replies. “Now get on the boat.”

As I slink back to the ship after my brief jailbreak, the locals stand under umbrellas to gaze at and photograph the boat that towers over their small capital city. The limousines of the prime minister and his lackeys are parked beside the gangway. St. Kitts, I’ve been told, is one of the few islands that would allow a ship of this size to dock.

“We hear about all the waterslides,” a sweet young server in one of the cafés told me. “We wish we could go on the ship, but we have to work.”

“I want to stay on your island,” I replied. “I love it here.”

But she didn’t understand how I could possibly mean that.

“WASHY, WASHY, so you don’t get stinky, stinky!” kids are singing outside the AquaDome, while their adult minders look on in disapproval, perhaps worried that Mr. Washy Washy is grooming them into a life of gayness. I heard a southern couple skip the buffet entirely out of fear of Mr. Washy Washy.

Meanwhile, I have found a new watering hole for myself, the Swim & Tonic, the biggest swim-up bar on any cruise ship in the world. Drinking next to full-size, nearly naked Americans takes away one’s own self-consciousness. The men have curvaceous mom bodies. The women are equally un-shy about their sprawling physiques.

Today I’ve befriended a bald man with many children who tells me that all of the little trinkets that Royal Caribbean has left us in our staterooms and suites are worth a fortune on eBay. “Eighty dollars for the water bottle, 60 for the lanyard,” the man says. “This is a cult.”

“Tell me about it,” I say. There is, however, a clientele for whom this cruise makes perfect sense. For a large middle-class family (he works in “supply chains”), seven days in a lower-tier cabin—which starts at $1,800 a person—allow the parents to drop off their children in Surfside, where I imagine many young Filipina crew members will take care of them, while the parents are free to get drunk at a swim-up bar and maybe even get intimate in their cabin. Cruise ships have become, for a certain kind of hardworking family, a form of subsidized child care.

There is another man I would like to befriend at the Swim & Tonic, a tall, bald fellow who is perpetually inebriated and who wears a necklace studded with little rubber duckies in sunglasses, which, I am told, is a sort of secret handshake for cruise aficionados. Tomorrow, I will spend more time with him, but first the ship docks at St. Thomas, in the U.S. Virgin Islands. Charlotte Amalie, the capital, is more charming in name than in presence, but I still all but jump off the ship to score a juicy oxtail and plantains at the well-known Petite Pump Room, overlooking the harbor. From one of the highest points in the small city, the Icon of the Seas appears bigger than the surrounding hills.

I usually tan very evenly, but something about the discombobulation of life at sea makes me forget the regular application of sunscreen. As I walk down the streets of Charlotte Amalie in my fluorescent Icon of the Seas cap, an old Rastafarian stares me down. “Redneck,” he hisses.

“No,” I want to tell him, as I bring a hand up to my red neck, “that’s not who I am at all. On my island, Mannahatta, as Whitman would have it, I am an interesting person living within an engaging artistic milieu. I do not wish to use the Caribbean as a dumping ground for the cruise-ship industry. I love the work of Derek Walcott. You don’t understand. I am not a redneck. And if I am, they did this to me.” They meaning Royal Caribbean? Its passengers? The Rands?

“They did this to me!”

Back on the Icon, some older matrons are muttering about a run-in with passengers from the Celebrity cruise ship docked next to us, the Celebrity Apex. Although Celebrity Cruises is also owned by Royal Caribbean, I am made to understand that there is a deep fratricidal beef between passengers of the two lines. “We met a woman from the Apex,” one matron says, “and she says it was a small ship and there was nothing to do. Her face was as tight as a 19-year-old’s, she had so much surgery.” With those words, and beneath a cloudy sky, humidity shrouding our weathered faces and red necks, we set sail once again, hopefully in the direction of home.

THERE ARE BARELY 48 HOURS LEFT to the cruise, and the Icon of the Seas’ passengers are salty. They know how to work the elevators. They know the Washy Washy song by heart. They understand that the chicken gyro at “Feta Mediterranean,” in the AquaDome Market, is the least problematic form of chicken on the ship.

The passengers have shed their INAUGURAL CRUISE T-shirts and are now starting to evince political opinions. There are caps pledging to make America great again and T-shirts that celebrate words sometimes attributed to Patrick Henry: “The Constitution is not an instrument for the government to restrain the people; it is an instrument for the people to restrain the government.” With their preponderance of FAMILY FLAG FAITH FRIENDS FIREARMS T-shirts, the tables by the crepe station sometimes resemble the Capitol Rotunda on January 6. The Real Anthony Fauci , by Robert F. Kennedy Jr., appears to be a popular form of literature, especially among young men with very complicated versions of the American flag on their T-shirts. Other opinions blend the personal and the political. “Someone needs to kill Washy guy, right?” a well-dressed man in the elevator tells me, his gray eyes radiating nothing. “Just beat him to death. Am I right?” I overhear the male member of a young couple whisper, “There goes that freak” as I saunter by in my white spa robe, and I decide to retire it for the rest of the cruise.

I visit the Royal Bling to see up close the $100,000 golden chalice that entitles you to free drinks on Royal Caribbean forever. The pleasant Serbian saleslady explains that the chalice is actually gold-plated and covered in white zirconia instead of diamonds, as it would otherwise cost $1 million. “If you already have everything,” she explains, “this is one more thing you can get.”

I believe that anyone who works for Royal Caribbean should be entitled to immediate American citizenship. They already speak English better than most of the passengers and, per the Serbian lady’s sales pitch above, better understand what America is as well. Crew members like my Panamanian cabin attendant seem to work 24 hours a day. A waiter from New Delhi tells me that his contract is six months and three weeks long. After a cruise ends, he says, “in a few hours, we start again for the next cruise.” At the end of the half a year at sea, he is allowed a two-to-three-month stay at home with his family. As of 2019, the median income for crew members was somewhere in the vicinity of $20,000, according to a major business publication. Royal Caribbean would not share the current median salary for its crew members, but I am certain that it amounts to a fraction of the cost of a Royal Bling gold-plated, zirconia-studded chalice.

And because most of the Icon’s hyper-sanitized spaces are just a frittata away from being a Delta lounge, one forgets that there are actual sailors on this ship, charged with the herculean task of docking it in port. “Having driven 100,000-ton aircraft carriers throughout my career,” retired Admiral James G. Stavridis, the former NATO Supreme Allied Commander Europe, writes to me, “I’m not sure I would even know where to begin with trying to control a sea monster like this one nearly three times the size.” (I first met Stavridis while touring Army bases in Germany more than a decade ago.)

Today, I decide to head to the hot tub near Swim & Tonic, where some of the ship’s drunkest reprobates seem to gather (the other tubs are filled with families and couples). The talk here, like everywhere else on the ship, concerns football, a sport about which I know nothing. It is apparent that four teams have recently competed in some kind of finals for the year, and that two of them will now face off in the championship. Often when people on the Icon speak, I will try to repeat the last thing they said with a laugh or a nod of disbelief. “Yes, 20-yard line! Ha!” “Oh my God, of course, scrimmage.”

Soon we are joined in the hot tub by the late-middle-age drunk guy with the duck necklace. He is wearing a bucket hat with the legend HAWKEYES , which, I soon gather, is yet another football team. “All right, who turned me in?” Duck Necklace says as he plops into the tub beside us. “I get a call in the morning,” he says. “It’s security. Can you come down to the dining room by 10 a.m.? You need to stay away from the members of this religious family.” Apparently, the gregarious Duck Necklace had photobombed the wrong people. There are several families who present as evangelical Christians or practicing Muslims on the ship. One man, evidently, was not happy that Duck Necklace had made contact with his relatives. “It’s because of religious stuff; he was offended. I put my arm around 20 people a day.”

Everyone laughs. “They asked me three times if I needed medication,” he says of the security people who apparently interrogated him in full view of others having breakfast.

Another hot-tub denizen suggests that he should have asked for fentanyl. After a few more drinks, Duck Necklace begins to muse about what it would be like to fall off the ship. “I’m 62 and I’m ready to go,” he says. “I just don’t want a shark to eat me. I’m a huge God guy. I’m a Bible guy. There’s some Mayan theory squaring science stuff with religion. There is so much more to life on Earth.” We all nod into our Red Stripes.

“I never get off the ship when we dock,” he says. He tells us he lost $6,000 in the casino the other day. Later, I look him up, and it appears that on land, he’s a financial adviser in a crisp gray suit, probably a pillar of his North Chicago community.

THE OCEAN IS TEEMING with fascinating life, but on the surface it has little to teach us. The waves come and go. The horizon remains ever far away.

I am constantly told by my fellow passengers that “everybody here has a story.” Yes, I want to reply, but everybody everywhere has a story. You, the reader of this essay, have a story, and yet you’re not inclined to jump on a cruise ship and, like Duck Necklace, tell your story to others at great pitch and volume. Maybe what they’re saying is that everybody on this ship wants to have a bigger, more coherent, more interesting story than the one they’ve been given. Maybe that’s why there’s so much signage on the doors around me attesting to marriages spent on the sea. Maybe that’s why the Royal Caribbean newsletter slipped under my door tells me that “this isn’t a vacation day spent—it’s bragging rights earned.” Maybe that’s why I’m so lonely.

Today is a big day for Icon passengers. Today the ship docks at Royal Caribbean’s own Bahamian island, the Perfect Day at CocoCay. (This appears to be the actual name of the island.) A comedian at the nightclub opined on what his perfect day at CocoCay would look like—receiving oral sex while learning that his ex-wife had been killed in a car crash (big laughter). But the reality of the island is far less humorous than that.

One of the ethnic tristate ladies in the infinity pool told me that she loved CocoCay because it had exactly the same things that could be found on the ship itself. This proves to be correct. It is like the Icon, but with sand. The same tired burgers, the same colorful tubes conveying children and water from Point A to B. The same swim-up bar at its Hideaway ($140 for admittance, no children allowed; Royal Caribbean must be printing money off its clientele). “There was almost a fight at The Wizard of Oz ,” I overhear an elderly woman tell her companion on a chaise lounge. Apparently one of the passengers began recording Royal Caribbean’s intellectual property and “three guys came after him.”

I walk down a pathway to the center of the island, where a sign reads DO NOT ENTER: YOU HAVE REACHED THE BOUNDARY OF ADVENTURE . I hear an animal scampering in the bushes. A Royal Caribbean worker in an enormous golf cart soon chases me down and takes me back to the Hideaway, where I run into Mrs. Rand in a bikini. She becomes livid telling me about an altercation she had the other day with a woman over a towel and a deck chair. We Suites have special towel privileges; we do not have to hand over our SeaPass Card to score a towel. But the Rands are not Suites. “People are so entitled here,” Mrs. Rand says. “It’s like the airport with all its classes.” “You see,” I want to say, “this is where your husband’s love of Ayn Rand runs into the cruelties and arbitrary indignities of unbridled capitalism.” Instead we make plans to meet for a final drink in the Schooner Bar tonight (the Rands will stand me up).

Back on the ship, I try to do laps, but the pool (the largest on any cruise ship, naturally) is fully trashed with the detritus of American life: candy wrappers, a slowly dissolving tortilla chip, napkins. I take an extra-long shower in my suite, then walk around the perimeter of the ship on a kind of exercise track, past all the alluring lifeboats in their yellow-and-white livery. Maybe there is a dystopian angle to the HBO series that I will surely end up pitching, one with shades of WALL-E or Snowpiercer . In a collapsed world, a Royal Caribbean–like cruise liner sails from port to port, collecting new shipmates and supplies in exchange for the precious energy it has on board. (The actual Icon features a new technology that converts passengers’ poop into enough energy to power the waterslides . In the series, this shitty technology would be greatly expanded.) A very young woman (18? 19?), smart and lonely, who has only known life on the ship, walks along the same track as I do now, contemplating jumping off into the surf left by its wake. I picture reusing Duck Necklace’s words in the opening shot of the pilot. The girl is walking around the track, her eyes on the horizon; maybe she’s highborn—a Suite—and we hear the voice-over: “I’m 19 and I’m ready to go. I just don’t want a shark to eat me.”

Before the cruise is finished, I talk to Mr. Washy Washy, or Nielbert of the Philippines. He is a sweet, gentle man, and I thank him for the earworm of a song he has given me and for keeping us safe from the dreaded norovirus. “This is very important to me, getting people to wash their hands,” he tells me in his burger getup. He has dreams, as an artist and a performer, but they are limited in scope. One day he wants to dress up as a piece of bacon for the morning shift.

THE MAIDEN VOYAGE OF THE TITANIC (the Icon of the Seas is five times as large as that doomed vessel) at least offered its passengers an exciting ending to their cruise, but when I wake up on the eighth day, all I see are the gray ghosts that populate Miami’s condo skyline. Throughout my voyage, my writer friends wrote in to commiserate with me. Sloane Crosley, who once covered a three-day spa mini-cruise for Vogue , tells me she felt “so very alone … I found it very untethering.” Gideon Lewis-Kraus writes in an Instagram comment: “When Gary is done I think it’s time this genre was taken out back and shot.” And he is right. To badly paraphrase Adorno: After this, no more cruise stories. It is unfair to put a thinking person on a cruise ship. Writers typically have difficult childhoods, and it is cruel to remind them of the inherent loneliness that drove them to writing in the first place. It is also unseemly to write about the kind of people who go on cruises. Our country does not provide the education and upbringing that allow its citizens an interior life. For the creative class to point fingers at the large, breasty gentlemen adrift in tortilla-chip-laden pools of water is to gather a sour harvest of low-hanging fruit.

A day or two before I got off the ship, I decided to make use of my balcony, which I had avoided because I thought the view would only depress me further. What I found shocked me. My suite did not look out on Central Park after all. This entire time, I had been living in the ship’s Disneyland, Surfside, the neighborhood full of screaming toddlers consuming milkshakes and candy. And as I leaned out over my balcony, I beheld a slight vista of the sea and surf that I thought I had been missing. It had been there all along. The sea was frothy and infinite and blue-green beneath the span of a seagull’s wing. And though it had been trod hard by the world’s largest cruise ship, it remained.

This article appears in the May 2024 print edition with the headline “A Meatball at Sea.” When you buy a book using a link on this page, we receive a commission. Thank you for supporting The Atlantic.