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Seven Seas Navigator Deck Plans & Reviews

Seven Seas Navigator

Activities & entertainment

• Whirlpools (2)
• Afternoon Tea
• Arts and Crafts Classes
• Enrichment Lectures
• Fitness Center
• Fitness Classes
• Jogging Track
• Organized Games
• Shuffleboard
• Senses Spa *
• The Casino *
• Boutiques *
• Coffee Chats
• Team Trivia
• Destination Services
• Self_Service Laundry
• Nightly Live Music
• Seven Seas Lounge
• In_Room Entertainment
• Guest Speakers
• Pool Bar - Pool Bar
• Pool Grill - Pool Grill
• La Veranda - Buffet
• Sette Mari - Italian
• Galileos Lounge - Cocktail Bar
• Navigator Lounge - Cocktail Bar
• Coffee Connection and ClubCom - Coffee Bar
• Compass Rose - Main
• Stars Lounge - Sophisticated Bar
• Prime 7 - Steakhouse
• Room Service
• Excellent 20
• Very Good 7
• All languages ( 49 )
• English ( 48 )
• German ( 1 )

Upcoming itineraries

Seven Seas Navigator

Courtesy of Regent Seven Seas Cruises |

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Carrying only 496 passengers, Seven Seas Navigator offers guests an intimate setting, with all-suite accommodations outfitted with marble bathrooms, private balconies and free Wi-Fi throughout the voyage.

Thanks to a major refurbishment in 2019 (the ship originally launched in 1999), the ship features updated staterooms and refreshed public spaces and restaurants. Passengers can choose from six dining venues, including a specialty steakhouse and the causal Pool Grill.

During days at sea, guests can unwind at the expansive pool deck, play card games or mingle with fellow shipmates at the Pool Bar. In the evenings, cruisers can sip cocktails at one of three onboard lounges or take in a live show.

Like other ships in the fleet, Seven Seas Navigator prides itself on providing a high-caliber service and maintains a nearly 1-to-1 passenger-to-crew ratio, with 365 crew members. Guests praise the "Regent Experience," which includes specialty dining and shore excursions in the cruise fare.

Seven Seas Navigator offers a variety of sailings throughout Miami , the Caribbean, South America, Australia, Europe and more.

Pros & Cons

Refurbished in 2019

Limited activities and entertainment options

• Expert Rating » 5.0
• Traveler Rating » 4.1
• Health Rating » 4.0

Seven Seas Navigator ranks # 3 out of 6 Regent Seven Seas Cruises Cruise Ships based on an analysis of expert and user ratings, as well as health ratings.

• # 3 in Best Regent Seven Seas Cruises
• # 8 in Best Cruises to the Pacific
• # 16 in Best Cruises for Couples
• # 18 in Best Cruises to the Mediterranean
• # 21 in Best Luxury Cruises
• # 21 in Best Cruises to Europe

Seven Seas Navigator offers a wide range of accomodation options. Browse cabins to find the stateroom that suits your needs.

Seven Seas Navigator contains 8 decks. Find out which features are available on each Seven Seas Navigator deck.

Traveler Reviews

A ship’s traveler rating is provided under license by Cruiseline.com , which manages one of the largest databases of cruise reviews and ratings by travelers. A total of 78 guests have reviewed Seven Seas Navigator , giving it a rating of 4 on a scale of 1-5.

Cruiseline Travel Rating:

Reviews by traveler type.

Ship Photos

Disclaimers about ship ratings: A ship’s Health Rating is based on vessel inspection scores published by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). If a ship did not receive a CDC score within 22 months prior to the calculation of its Overall Rating, its Health Rating appears as N/A; in such a case, the ship’s Overall Rating is calculated using the average Health Rating of all CDC-rated ships within the cruise line. All ship Traveler Ratings are based on ratings provided under license by Cruiseline.com.

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About Seven Seas Navigator

Personifying elegance, the beautiful Seven Seas Navigator is all-suite, with ocean views or private balconies. Accommodating just 490 and with one of the highest staff-to-guest ratios at sea, you are sure to receive impeccable personal attentive service.

Dine at three fabulous gourmet restaurants wherever, whenever and with whomever you choose at no additional charge. Indulge in a myriad of fabulous treatments sure to rejuvenate at the world-famous Canyon Ranch SpaClub, enjoy Broadway-style shows, wine tastings, culinary demonstrations and special performances.

Sip on cocktail with fellow guests at the relaxing Pool Bar, shop for duty-free items, including designer goods and jewelry, at the Boutiques and catch up on your reading at the Library. Relax at the heat pool and two whirlpools and take a Pilates class at the state-of-the-art Fitness Center. Play games at the Card Room and catch up on reading at the well-stocked Library, where you can get DVD's to watch in the privacy of your suite. Stay connected at the Internet Café and enjoy convenient WiFi.

Fabulous culinary selections are offered at the American-style steakhouse, Prime 7; savor delicious Italian cuisine paired with fabulous wines from the Tuscany region at Sette Mari at La Veranda and the elegant Compass Rose, the main dining room serving breakfast, lunch and fabulous Continental cuisine for dinner, including spectacular vegetarian, kosher and nutritious Canyon Ranch SpaClub® specialties. Afternoon tea is served daily and room service is offered 24/7.

Beautiful accommodations are all suite and oceanview, with a high percentage also boasting private balconies. Feel comfortable in your home away from home, designed in soothing color schemes to provide a serene haven. Equally stunning bathrooms with luxurious marble appointments are also featured. An interactive flat-screen TV offers an extensive media library and complimentary movies on demand.

Ideal for cocktails and relaxing and unwinding, Galileo's features musicians who will provide tunes during teatime, as well as before and after dinner as you enjoy a drink and dance. Game shows, night entertainment and live musical events are featured here and Navigator Lounge is a friendly gathering spot. Seven Seas Lounger has tiered plush seating is to best view a variety of entertainment including full-scale musical revues, cabaret shows and Cirque-style production, accompanied by the nine-piece Regent Signature Orchestra. Head to the chic Stars Lounge for after-dinner drinks, late-night cocktails, dancing and karaoke competition and Connoisseur Club is an elegant choice to enjoy a cognac and a Cuban cigar. Try your luck at the elegant Casino at a variety of games, including Blackjack and slots. Seven Seas Navigator is a beautiful ship and the ideal choice for cruising the world in luxury.

Cruise in elegance on the Seven Seas Navigator to worldwide destinations.

Master Suite

1 1/2 Marble Bathrooms, Private Balcony, Spacious Bedroom, Expansive Living Room.

Grand Suite

Navigator Suite

1 Marble Bathroom, Private Balcony, Spacious Bedroom, Expansive Living Room.

Penthouse Suite

1 Marble Bathroom, Private Balcony, Sitting Area.

Concierge Suite

Deluxe Veranda Suite

Deluxe Window Suite

1 Marble Bathroom, Sitting Area.

View Deck Plan

Compass Rose

As the flagship restaurant aboard each of our ships, the wonderfully spacious Compass Rose serves breakfast, lunch and dinner and features an exceptional variety of European-inspired Continental cuisine, as well as flavorful vegetarian and kosher dishes. Elegantly decorated in blues and silvers with stunning Versace tableware, Compass Rose delights with a beautifully refined atmosphere bathed in natural light during the day.

La Veranda/Sette Mari

Begin your day with breakfast at La Veranda and you’ll forever believe it really is the most important meal of the day. Take in gorgeous ocean views from quiet alcoves jutting out over an iridescent sea while savoring made-to-order omelets and other specialties. Late risers can tuck into enhanced lunch buffets indoors or al fresco on a shaded, open-air deck. Lunches feature a variety of delectable selections, including hot carving stations. Each evening, La Veranda transforms into Sette Mari at La Veranda, a casual, intimate dining experience. Choose from authentic Italian specialties inspired by family recipes that span generations, or opt for something with a modern twist like a spice-crusted tuna steak with braised endive, polenta and salmoriglio. Savor it all with a perfectly paired Tuscan wine. Sette Mari at La Veranda is open for dinner only.

The Pool Grill is truly a come-as-you-are venue. Enjoy this casual dining experience whether you're getting a bite after sunbathing or swimming in the pool. The Pool Grill is open-air, yet abundantly shaded for comfortable dining at lunch or dinner. Enjoy grilled-to-order burgers, grilled seafood, sandwiches, and fresh salads. Treat yourself to milkshakes and malts or an old-fashioned hand-dipped ice cream dessert with toppings.

A true classic in every sense, the newly refurbished Prime 7 on Seven Seas Navigator® is the epitome of luxury dining. Dark imperial blue walls accented with gold, light leather chairs and rich wood finishes provide a refined and elegant backdrop for prime steaks and seafood. Large artwork, marble sculptures and intricately patterned floors enhance the décor. Enjoy a cocktail at the bar before savoring a succulent filet mignon or côte de boeuf.

Get a taste of Monte Carlo excitement at our Casino directly across from the equally inspiring Explorer Lounge. Walk through glass doors into an elegant setting bustling with games of chance that include Blackjack, roulette, poker, and a full craps table, as well as slot machines. The Casino is open every day at sea when not restricted by territorial border limits.

Card & Conference room

Two complete Card and Conference Rooms can be used for everything from bridge lectures and tournaments to corporate meetings and special events. Gather with a few friends for an afternoon or evening of fun competition with board games, cards and more. Larger groups may increase space by removing the dividing door and combining both rooms.

Well-stocked and offering comfort for the body and mind, you’ll discover our Library is a most elegant setting for reading and relaxing. Curl up with a classic novel or best-selling mystery, play a strategic game of chess or simply soak up the ambience of a sumptuous reading room. Regardless of what brings you here, our library is a welcoming, low-key treasure you just may find hard to leave.

Our welcoming Reception Desk is open 24 hours a day and staffed by personable, knowledgeable men and women who are happy to answer your questions and provide any general assistance you may need. Reception is also where you may contact the ship's Concierge. Postcards and letters may be dropped off here as well; they’ll be delivered to the postal service at the next port of call.

It’s easy to stay connected, even while sailing the seven seas. Our ships have WiFi throughout for guests with their own laptops, and there are plenty of computers in the staffed Internet Café, which is open round the clock. Printers, e-mails, Internet access and Wireless access throughout the ship are all available for a nominal fee.

Decks: 8 10 5 9

Laundrette.

Our Pool Deck features a large heated pool, two whirlpools and table tennis. Surrounded by luxurious teak accents, you'll be consistently awestruck by the pool's magnificent vistas high upon Seven Seas Navigator®. You'll also be impressed by our amiable and dedicated crew, who stand at the ready to provide refreshing beverages and lounge chairs.

Shuffleboard

Shuffleboard.

Destination Services

If the road to a richer life is paved with the lessons of new discoveries, our Destination Services is a great place to start. Learn about the adventures available to suit every taste and comfort level during your voyage from our dedicated staff. They can arrange unique shore excursions designed for smaller groups or assist with tailor-made pre-and post-cruise programs, from a simple stay in a luxurious hotel to a 3-night extension in a remote locale.

Stop into our boutiques and browse a wide range of items — upscale handbags to exclusive fragrances to fine jewelry — in an intimate and unhurried setting. You'll also find clothing, Regent Seven Seas Cruises® logo wear and gift items to share with friends and family. Our boutiques are staffed by friendly salespeople. Opening hours vary and are printed in the Passages daily newsletter.

Beauty Salon

Beauty Salon.

Serene Spa & Wellness is a globally inspired, tranquil haven of health, beauty and wellness, offering restorative treatments and activities to soothe both the body and mind. Strengthen and elevate both your body and mind as you engage with a variety of treatments and services designed to enhance your whole being, from massages, and body wraps to facials, manicures and pedicures and exclusive treatments curated especially for Regent Seven Seas Cruises®.

Fittness Center

Serene Spa & Wellness™ fitness experts lead popular exercise classes, such as Pilates, yoga and meditation and are on hand to offer advice and demonstrate the use of fitness equipment. Equipment includes spinning bikes, dumbbells, treadmills, Technogym Strength Machines, workout mats and step benches. One-on-one training can be arranged with a fitness instructor. Guests under the age of 16 are not permitted in the Fitness Center.

Men's & Women's Sauna

Men's & Women's Sauna.

Relaxation.

Coffee Connection

coffee drinks prepared by our baristas, as well as delicious pastries, gourmet sandwiches and homemade cookies. Whether perusing international newspapers or simply taking in an always spectacular view, our café is the perfect place to relax, converse and enjoy coffee and snacks throughout the day.

Ice Cream Bar

When you envision an activity you're only likely to do while on vacation, sipping a frozen drink at a pool bar onboard a glorious cruise ship is probably near the top of the list. You can tick that box at our Pool Bar, where you and new friends can enjoy leisurely conversation over cocktails and frozen drinks in a delightfully relaxed atmosphere.

Executive Concierge

Executive Concierge.

Galileo's Lounge

An ideal spot for cocktails or to simply relax and unwind with an after-dinner drink, Galileo's pulls you in with a shimmering, blue-themed interior. Resident musicians entertain with familiar tunes in the afternoon as well as before and after dinner, and the dance floor comes alive when the night sky fills with stars outside. Game shows, night entertainment and live musical events are featured regularly.

Navigator Lounge

The always welcoming Navigator Lounge was recently refreshed with new furnishings that enables more guests to sit and enjoy coffee during the day and cocktails around the piano in the afternoon and evenings. Enjoy an informal Early Riser Continental Breakfast where you can enjoy a variety of coffees, teas and juices with a selection of pastries. Later in the day, stop in for a relaxing pre-dinner cocktail and good conversation.

Seven Seas Lounge

Perfectly tiered for unobstructed viewing and furnished with plush seating, the main show lounge is an intimate venue without a bad seat in the house. The phenomenal entertainment performed here varies from full-scale musical revues to rousing cabaret shows, all backed by our incredible, five-piece Regent Signature Orchestra.

Stars Lounge

Completely reimagined in light dusty rose and champagne tones highlighted with gold, Stars Lounge is a stellar place to meet new friends. Marble tables glimmer beneath evening dance floor lights where guests can enjoy cocktails and dancing before dinner. The lounge is a popular spot for theatergoers to celebrate the excitement generated by that night’s performance at the nearby Constellation Theater.

Jogging Track

In addition to planned activities in the Fitness Center, take advantage of other sports-related activities throughout the ship. Deck 12 provides golf cages, shuffleboard, paddle tennis and a full-circle jogging track. Eleven laps around the Seven Seas Navigator® track is equal to one mile.

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• Plan a Cruise

Seven Seas Navigator has few equals, as all accommodations are suites with ocean views, most with private, furnished balconies. Guests who sail in one of her 245 suites enjoy an exceptional level of service by a warm and friendly crew at an extraordinary ratio of 1 to 1.42. Among her three dining options that allow guests to savor meals whenever and with whomever, Seven Seas Navigator features the authentic Italian restaurant Sette Mari at La Veranda and the largest specialty restaurant at sea Compass Rose with its brand new menu. For a complete view of this all-suite ship, view her Deck Plans and begin planning your unforgettable journey by viewing Seven Seas Navigator’s itineraries .

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Seven Seas Navigator cabins and suites

Seven seas navigator staterooms review, floor plans, photos.

Seven Seas Navigator cabins and suites review at CruiseMapper provides detailed information on cruise accommodations , including floor plans, photos, room types and categories, cabin sizes, furniture details and included by Regent Seven Seas Cruises en-suite amenities and services.

The Seven Seas Navigator cruise ship cabins page is conveniently interlinked with its deck plans showing deck layouts combined with a legend and review of all onboard venues.

Master Suite

Layout (floor plan), grand suite, navigator suite, deluxe, concierge and penthouse suites, window suite, seven seas navigator cabins review.

Seven Seas Navigator cabins number is 354. Like all Regent cruise ships, Navigator is an all-suite ship. The number of all cabin categories is 11. All cruise accommodations have private balconies. Handicap (wheelchair-accessible) suites for disabled passengers are 4 (located on decks 8 and 9). Connecting rooms number is 20 (suites convertible to a double suite).

Follows the review of Regent Seven Seas Navigator staterooms (suite accommodations) as furniture, amenities and included (complimentary) services:

All staterooms feature King-size “Elite Slumber Bed”, Interactive smart HDTVs, direct-dial satellite phone, fully stocked mini-fridge, Regent Cruises-logoed luxury bathrobes/slippers, luxury bath products (“L’Occitane”), welcome gifts (champagne, flowers), 24-hour room service.

Guests in all Suite categories Penthouse- and above enjoy the following perks (bonus amenities): 24-hour personal butler service, en-suite dining (Afternoon Tea/Canapes, course-by-course dinner), premium bath amenities (by Guerlain- shampoo, conditioner, shower gel, body lotion, vegetable soaps), large living room (bar, media center, custom-made luxury furniture), free Internet and WiFi, iPad, iPhone station, Interactive satellite phone, binoculars, cashmere blankets, priority services (dining and shore excursion reservations), complimentary mini-bar (beverages replenished daily).

Higher suite cabin grades also enjoy complimentary services (cocktail parties, laundry/pressing), discount deals (10% off cruise ship alcohol purchases, 5% off Regent cruise shore excursions, 5% off pre-post cruise hotel deals, free airport transfers, free car ashore).

Regent Cruises suite categories Master-Grand-Seven Seas-Navigator suites, instead illy have a Nespresso Forte (capsule coffee maker). Additionally, passengers in Regent-Master-Grand-Explorer suites receive a bottle of the Guerlain’s luxury perfume Eau de Cologne Imperiale (a citrus aromatic fragrance for women).

Master Suites have every 2 bedrooms (each with adjacent bathroom /shower and bathtub). Grand and Explorer Suites also have two full bathrooms.

Regent Navigator’s Seven Seas Suites have separated living and dining rooms, and also a marble bathroom.

Deluxe Suites have a kingsize Slumber Bed, vanity table, hairdryer, Regent-logoed bathrobes and slippers, L’Occitane luxury bath amenities.

Concierge Suites additionally have complimentary Wi-Fi, 1-Night Luxury Hotel Package (including hotel-ship transfer, Breakfast and Porterage), champagne bottle on arrival, 15 min ship-shore phone time, priority (shore excursions reservation and “Prime 7” and “Signatures” reservations), discounts (10% on wine-liquor onboard purchases, 5% on Regent cruise shore excursions, 5% on pre-post cruise Hotels and Land Programmes).

All Regent Navigator cruises as prices are inclusive of the unlimited Internet offered to all passengers (regardless of cabin categories). The top-luxury RSSC deals are also inclusive of all beverages (alcohol included), all gratuities, round-trip flights. Up to 3-nights long shore excursions/tours are offered on exotic itineraries to South Africa and Asia.

Seven Seas Navigator cabin and suite plans are property of Regent Seven Seas Cruises . All floor plans are for informational purposes only and CruiseMapper is not responsible for their accuracy.

Crying Myself to Sleep on the Biggest Cruise Ship Ever

Seven agonizing nights aboard the Icon of the Seas

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Updated at 2:44 p.m. ET on April 6, 2024.

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MY FIRST GLIMPSE of Royal Caribbean’s Icon of the Seas, from the window of an approaching Miami cab, brings on a feeling of vertigo, nausea, amazement, and distress. I shut my eyes in defense, as my brain tells my optic nerve to try again.

The ship makes no sense, vertically or horizontally. It makes no sense on sea, or on land, or in outer space. It looks like a hodgepodge of domes and minarets, tubes and canopies, like Istanbul had it been designed by idiots. Vibrant, oversignifying colors are stacked upon other such colors, decks perched over still more decks; the only comfort is a row of lifeboats ringing its perimeter. There is no imposed order, no cogent thought, and, for those who do not harbor a totalitarian sense of gigantomania, no visual mercy. This is the biggest cruise ship ever built, and I have been tasked with witnessing its inaugural voyage.

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“Author embarks on their first cruise-ship voyage” has been a staple of American essay writing for almost three decades, beginning with David Foster Wallace’s “A Supposedly Fun Thing I’ll Never Do Again,” which was first published in 1996 under the title “Shipping Out.” Since then, many admirable writers have widened and diversified the genre. Usually the essayist commissioned to take to the sea is in their first or second flush of youth and is ready to sharpen their wit against the hull of the offending vessel. I am 51, old and tired, having seen much of the world as a former travel journalist, and mostly what I do in both life and prose is shrug while muttering to my imaginary dachshund, “This too shall pass.” But the Icon of the Seas will not countenance a shrug. The Icon of the Seas is the Linda Loman of cruise ships, exclaiming that attention must be paid. And here I am in late January with my one piece of luggage and useless gray winter jacket and passport, zipping through the Port of Miami en route to the gangway that will separate me from the bulk of North America for more than seven days, ready to pay it in full.

The aforementioned gangway opens up directly onto a thriving mall (I will soon learn it is imperiously called the “Royal Promenade”), presently filled with yapping passengers beneath a ceiling studded with balloons ready to drop. Crew members from every part of the global South, as well as a few Balkans, are shepherding us along while pressing flutes of champagne into our hands. By a humming Starbucks, I drink as many of these as I can and prepare to find my cabin. I show my blue Suite Sky SeaPass Card (more on this later, much more) to a smiling woman from the Philippines, and she tells me to go “aft.” Which is where, now? As someone who has rarely sailed on a vessel grander than the Staten Island Ferry, I am confused. It turns out that the aft is the stern of the ship, or, for those of us who don’t know what a stern or an aft are, its ass. The nose of the ship, responsible for separating the waves before it, is also called a bow, and is marked for passengers as the FWD , or forward. The part of the contemporary sailing vessel where the malls are clustered is called the midship. I trust that you have enjoyed this nautical lesson.

I ascend via elevator to my suite on Deck 11. This is where I encounter my first terrible surprise. My suite windows and balcony do not face the ocean. Instead, they look out onto another shopping mall. This mall is the one that’s called Central Park, perhaps in homage to the Olmsted-designed bit of greenery in the middle of my hometown. Although on land I would be delighted to own a suite with Central Park views, here I am deeply depressed. To sail on a ship and not wake up to a vast blue carpet of ocean? Unthinkable.

Allow me a brief preamble here. The story you are reading was commissioned at a moment when most staterooms on the Icon were sold out. In fact, so enthralled by the prospect of this voyage were hard-core mariners that the ship’s entire inventory of guest rooms (the Icon can accommodate up to 7,600 passengers, but its inaugural journey was reduced to 5,000 or so for a less crowded experience) was almost immediately sold out. Hence, this publication was faced with the shocking prospect of paying nearly $19,000 to procure for this solitary passenger an entire suite—not including drinking expenses—all for the privilege of bringing you this article. But the suite in question doesn’t even have a view of the ocean! I sit down hard on my soft bed. Nineteen thousand dollars for this .

The viewless suite does have its pluses. In addition to all the Malin+Goetz products in my dual bathrooms, I am granted use of a dedicated Suite Deck lounge; access to Coastal Kitchen, a superior restaurant for Suites passengers; complimentary VOOM SM Surf & Stream (“the fastest Internet at Sea”) “for one device per person for the whole cruise duration”; a pair of bathrobes (one of which comes prestained with what looks like a large expectoration by the greenest lizard on Earth); and use of the Grove Suite Sun, an area on Decks 18 and 19 with food and deck chairs reserved exclusively for Suite passengers. I also get reserved seating for a performance of The Wizard of Oz , an ice-skating tribute to the periodic table, and similar provocations. The very color of my Suite Sky SeaPass Card, an oceanic blue as opposed to the cloying royal purple of the standard non-Suite passenger, will soon provoke envy and admiration. But as high as my status may be, there are those on board who have much higher status still, and I will soon learn to bow before them.

In preparation for sailing, I have “priced in,” as they say on Wall Street, the possibility that I may come from a somewhat different monde than many of the other cruisers. Without falling into stereotypes or preconceptions, I prepare myself for a friendly outspokenness on the part of my fellow seafarers that may not comply with modern DEI standards. I believe in meeting people halfway, and so the day before flying down to Miami, I visited what remains of Little Italy to purchase a popular T-shirt that reads DADDY’S LITTLE MEATBALL across the breast in the colors of the Italian flag. My wife recommended that I bring one of my many T-shirts featuring Snoopy and the Peanuts gang, as all Americans love the beagle and his friends. But I naively thought that my meatball T-shirt would be more suitable for conversation-starting. “Oh, and who is your ‘daddy’?” some might ask upon seeing it. “And how long have you been his ‘little meatball’?” And so on.

I put on my meatball T-shirt and head for one of the dining rooms to get a late lunch. In the elevator, I stick out my chest for all to read the funny legend upon it, but soon I realize that despite its burnished tricolor letters, no one takes note. More to the point, no one takes note of me. Despite my attempts at bridge building, the very sight of me (small, ethnic, without a cap bearing the name of a football team) elicits no reaction from other passengers. Most often, they will small-talk over me as if I don’t exist. This brings to mind the travails of David Foster Wallace , who felt so ostracized by his fellow passengers that he retreated to his cabin for much of his voyage. And Wallace was raised primarily in the Midwest and was a much larger, more American-looking meatball than I am. If he couldn’t talk to these people, how will I? What if I leave this ship without making any friends at all, despite my T-shirt? I am a social creature, and the prospect of seven days alone and apart is saddening. Wallace’s stateroom, at least, had a view of the ocean, a kind of cheap eternity.

Worse awaits me in the dining room. This is a large, multichandeliered room where I attended my safety training (I was shown how to put on a flotation vest; it is a very simple procedure). But the maître d’ politely refuses me entry in an English that seems to verge on another language. “I’m sorry, this is only for pendejos ,” he seems to be saying. I push back politely and he repeats himself. Pendejos ? Piranhas? There’s some kind of P-word to which I am not attuned. Meanwhile elderly passengers stream right past, powered by their limbs, walkers, and electric wheelchairs. “It is only pendejo dining today, sir.” “But I have a suite!” I say, already starting to catch on to the ship’s class system. He examines my card again. “But you are not a pendejo ,” he confirms. I am wearing a DADDY’S LITTLE MEATBALL T-shirt, I want to say to him. I am the essence of pendejo .

Eventually, I give up and head to the plebeian buffet on Deck 15, which has an aquatic-styled name I have now forgotten. Before gaining entry to this endless cornucopia of reheated food, one passes a washing station of many sinks and soap dispensers, and perhaps the most intriguing character on the entire ship. He is Mr. Washy Washy—or, according to his name tag, Nielbert of the Philippines—and he is dressed as a taco (on other occasions, I’ll see him dressed as a burger). Mr. Washy Washy performs an eponymous song in spirited, indeed flamboyant English: “Washy, washy, wash your hands, WASHY WASHY!” The dangers of norovirus and COVID on a cruise ship this size (a giant fellow ship was stricken with the former right after my voyage) makes Mr. Washy Washy an essential member of the crew. The problem lies with the food at the end of Washy’s rainbow. The buffet is groaning with what sounds like sophisticated dishes—marinated octopus, boiled egg with anchovy, chorizo, lobster claws—but every animal tastes tragically the same, as if there was only one creature available at the market, a “cruisipus” bred specifically for Royal Caribbean dining. The “vegetables” are no better. I pick up a tomato slice and look right through it. It tastes like cellophane. I sit alone, apart from the couples and parents with gaggles of children, as “We Are Family” echoes across the buffet space.

I may have failed to mention that all this time, the Icon of the Seas has not left port. As the fiery mango of the subtropical setting sun makes Miami’s condo skyline even more apocalyptic, the ship shoves off beneath a perfunctory display of fireworks. After the sun sets, in the far, dark distance, another circus-lit cruise ship ruptures the waves before us. We glance at it with pity, because it is by definition a smaller ship than our own. I am on Deck 15, outside the buffet and overlooking a bunch of pools (the Icon has seven of them), drinking a frilly drink that I got from one of the bars (the Icon has 15 of them), still too shy to speak to anyone, despite Sister Sledge’s assertion that all on the ship are somehow related.

Kim Brooks: On failing the family vacation

The ship’s passage away from Ron DeSantis’s Florida provides no frisson, no sense of developing “sea legs,” as the ship is too large to register the presence of waves unless a mighty wind adds significant chop. It is time for me to register the presence of the 5,000 passengers around me, even if they refuse to register mine. My fellow travelers have prepared for this trip with personally decorated T-shirts celebrating the importance of this voyage. The simplest ones say ICON INAUGURAL ’24 on the back and the family name on the front. Others attest to an over-the-top love of cruise ships: WARNING! MAY START TALKING ABOUT CRUISING . Still others are artisanally designed and celebrate lifetimes spent married while cruising (on ships, of course). A couple possibly in their 90s are wearing shirts whose backs feature a drawing of a cruise liner, two flamingos with ostensibly male and female characteristics, and the legend “ HUSBAND AND WIFE Cruising Partners FOR LIFE WE MAY NOT HAVE IT All Together BUT TOGETHER WE HAVE IT ALL .” (The words not in all caps have been written in cursive.) A real journalist or a more intrepid conversationalist would have gone up to the couple and asked them to explain the longevity of their marriage vis-à-vis their love of cruising. But instead I head to my mall suite, take off my meatball T-shirt, and allow the first tears of the cruise to roll down my cheeks slowly enough that I briefly fall asleep amid the moisture and salt.

I WAKE UP with a hangover. Oh God. Right. I cannot believe all of that happened last night. A name floats into my cobwebbed, nauseated brain: “Ayn Rand.” Jesus Christ.

I breakfast alone at the Coastal Kitchen. The coffee tastes fine and the eggs came out of a bird. The ship rolls slightly this morning; I can feel it in my thighs and my schlong, the parts of me that are most receptive to danger.

I had a dangerous conversation last night. After the sun set and we were at least 50 miles from shore (most modern cruise ships sail at about 23 miles an hour), I lay in bed softly hiccupping, my arms stretched out exactly like Jesus on the cross, the sound of the distant waves missing from my mall-facing suite, replaced by the hum of air-conditioning and children shouting in Spanish through the vents of my two bathrooms. I decided this passivity was unacceptable. As an immigrant, I feel duty-bound to complete the tasks I am paid for, which means reaching out and trying to understand my fellow cruisers. So I put on a normal James Perse T-shirt and headed for one of the bars on the Royal Promenade—the Schooner Bar, it was called, if memory serves correctly.

I sat at the bar for a martini and two Negronis. An old man with thick, hairy forearms drank next to me, very silent and Hemingwaylike, while a dreadlocked piano player tinkled out a series of excellent Elton John covers. To my right, a young white couple—he in floral shorts, she in a light, summery miniskirt with a fearsome diamond ring, neither of them in football regalia—chatted with an elderly couple. Do it , I commanded myself. Open your mouth. Speak! Speak without being spoken to. Initiate. A sentence fragment caught my ear from the young woman, “Cherry Hill.” This is a suburb of Philadelphia in New Jersey, and I had once been there for a reading at a synagogue. “Excuse me,” I said gently to her. “Did you just mention Cherry Hill? It’s a lovely place.”

As it turned out, the couple now lived in Fort Lauderdale (the number of Floridians on the cruise surprised me, given that Southern Florida is itself a kind of cruise ship, albeit one slowly sinking), but soon they were talking with me exclusively—the man potbellied, with a chin like a hard-boiled egg; the woman as svelte as if she were one of the many Ukrainian members of the crew—the elderly couple next to them forgotten. This felt as groundbreaking as the first time I dared to address an American in his native tongue, as a child on a bus in Queens (“On my foot you are standing, Mister”).

“I don’t want to talk politics,” the man said. “But they’re going to eighty-six Biden and put Michelle in.”

I considered the contradictions of his opening conversational gambit, but decided to play along. “People like Michelle,” I said, testing the waters. The husband sneered, but the wife charitably put forward that the former first lady was “more personable” than Joe Biden. “They’re gonna eighty-six Biden,” the husband repeated. “He can’t put a sentence together.”

After I mentioned that I was a writer—though I presented myself as a writer of teleplays instead of novels and articles such as this one—the husband told me his favorite writer was Ayn Rand. “Ayn Rand, she came here with nothing,” the husband said. “I work with a lot of Cubans, so …” I wondered if I should mention what I usually do to ingratiate myself with Republicans or libertarians: the fact that my finances improved after pass-through corporations were taxed differently under Donald Trump. Instead, I ordered another drink and the couple did the same, and I told him that Rand and I were born in the same city, St. Petersburg/Leningrad, and that my family also came here with nothing. Now the bonding and drinking began in earnest, and several more rounds appeared. Until it all fell apart.

Read: Gary Shteyngart on watching Russian television for five days straight

My new friend, whom I will refer to as Ayn, called out to a buddy of his across the bar, and suddenly a young couple, both covered in tattoos, appeared next to us. “He fucking punked me,” Ayn’s frat-boy-like friend called out as he put his arm around Ayn, while his sizable partner sizzled up to Mrs. Rand. Both of them had a look I have never seen on land—their eyes projecting absence and enmity in equal measure. In the ’90s, I drank with Russian soldiers fresh from Chechnya and wandered the streets of wartime Zagreb, but I have never seen such undisguised hostility toward both me and perhaps the universe at large. I was briefly introduced to this psychopathic pair, but neither of them wanted to have anything to do with me, and the tattooed woman would not even reveal her Christian name to me (she pretended to have the same first name as Mrs. Rand). To impress his tattooed friends, Ayn made fun of the fact that as a television writer, I’d worked on the series Succession (which, it would turn out, practically nobody on the ship had watched), instead of the far more palatable, in his eyes, zombie drama of last year. And then my new friends drifted away from me into an angry private conversation—“He punked me!”—as I ordered another drink for myself, scared of the dead-eyed arrivals whose gaze never registered in the dim wattage of the Schooner Bar, whose terrifying voices and hollow laughs grated like unoiled gears against the crooning of “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road.”

But today is a new day for me and my hangover. After breakfast, I explore the ship’s so-called neighborhoods . There’s the AquaDome, where one can find a food hall and an acrobatic sound-and-light aquatic show. Central Park has a premium steak house, a sushi joint, and a used Rolex that can be bought for $8,000 on land here proudly offered at $17,000. There’s the aforementioned Royal Promenade, where I had drunk with the Rands, and where a pair of dueling pianos duel well into the night. There’s Surfside, a kids’ neighborhood full of sugary garbage, which looks out onto the frothy trail that the behemoth leaves behind itself. Thrill Island refers to the collection of tubes that clutter the ass of the ship and offer passengers six waterslides and a surfing simulation. There’s the Hideaway, an adult zone that plays music from a vomit-slathered, Brit-filled Alicante nightclub circa 1996 and proves a big favorite with groups of young Latin American customers. And, most hurtfully, there’s the Suite Neighborhood.

I say hurtfully because as a Suite passenger I should be here, though my particular suite is far from the others. Whereas I am stuck amid the riffraff of Deck 11, this section is on the highborn Decks 16 and 17, and in passing, I peek into the spacious, tall-ceilinged staterooms from the hallway, dazzled by the glint of the waves and sun. For $75,000, one multifloor suite even comes with its own slide between floors, so that a family may enjoy this particular terror in private. There is a quiet splendor to the Suite Neighborhood. I see fewer stickers and signs and drawings than in my own neighborhood—for example, MIKE AND DIANA PROUDLY SERVED U.S. MARINE CORPS RETIRED . No one here needs to announce their branch of service or rank; they are simply Suites, and this is where they belong. Once again, despite my hard work and perseverance, I have been disallowed from the true American elite. Once again, I am “Not our class, dear.” I am reminded of watching The Love Boat on my grandmother’s Zenith, which either was given to her or we found in the trash (I get our many malfunctioning Zeniths confused) and whose tube got so hot, I would put little chunks of government cheese on a thin tissue atop it to give our welfare treat a pleasant, Reagan-era gooeyness. I could not understand English well enough then to catch the nuances of that seafaring program, but I knew that there were differences in the status of the passengers, and that sometimes those differences made them sad. Still, this ship, this plenty—every few steps, there are complimentary nachos or milkshakes or gyros on offer—was the fatty fuel of my childhood dreams. If only I had remained a child.

I walk around the outdoor decks looking for company. There is a middle-aged African American couple who always seem to be asleep in each other’s arms, probably exhausted from the late capitalism they regularly encounter on land. There is far more diversity on this ship than I expected. Many couples are a testament to Loving v. Virginia , and there is a large group of folks whose T-shirts read MELANIN AT SEA / IT’S THE MELANIN FOR ME . I smile when I see them, but then some young kids from the group makes Mr. Washy Washy do a cruel, caricatured “Burger Dance” (today he is in his burger getup), and I think, Well, so much for intersectionality .

At the infinity pool on Deck 17, I spot some elderly women who could be ethnic and from my part of the world, and so I jump in. I am proved correct! Many of them seem to be originally from Queens (“Corona was still great when it was all Italian”), though they are now spread across the tristate area. We bond over the way “Ron-kon-koma” sounds when announced in Penn Station.

“Everyone is here for a different reason,” one of them tells me. She and her ex-husband last sailed together four years ago to prove to themselves that their marriage was truly over. Her 15-year-old son lost his virginity to “an Irish young lady” while their ship was moored in Ravenna, Italy. The gaggle of old-timers competes to tell me their favorite cruising stories and tips. “A guy proposed in Central Park a couple of years ago”—many Royal Caribbean ships apparently have this ridiculous communal area—“and she ran away screaming!” “If you’re diamond-class, you get four drinks for free.” “A different kind of passenger sails out of Bayonne.” (This, perhaps, is racially coded.) “Sometimes, if you tip the bartender $5, your next drink will be free.”

“Everyone’s here for a different reason,” the woman whose marriage ended on a cruise tells me again. “Some people are here for bad reasons—the drinkers and the gamblers. Some people are here for medical reasons.” I have seen more than a few oxygen tanks and at least one woman clearly undergoing very serious chemo. Some T-shirts celebrate good news about a cancer diagnosis. This might be someone’s last cruise or week on Earth. For these women, who have spent months, if not years, at sea, cruising is a ritual as well as a life cycle: first love, last love, marriage, divorce, death.

Read: The last place on Earth any tourist should go

I have talked with these women for so long, tonight I promise myself that after a sad solitary dinner I will not try to seek out company at the bars in the mall or the adult-themed Hideaway. I have enough material to fulfill my duties to this publication. As I approach my orphaned suite, I run into the aggro young people who stole Mr. and Mrs. Rand away from me the night before. The tattooed apparitions pass me without a glance. She is singing something violent about “Stuttering Stanley” (a character in a popular horror movie, as I discover with my complimentary VOOM SM Surf & Stream Internet at Sea) and he’s loudly shouting about “all the money I’ve lost,” presumably at the casino in the bowels of the ship.

So these bent psychos out of a Cormac McCarthy novel are angrily inhabiting my deck. As I mewl myself to sleep, I envision a limited series for HBO or some other streamer, a kind of low-rent White Lotus , where several aggressive couples conspire to throw a shy intellectual interloper overboard. I type the scenario into my phone. As I fall asleep, I think of what the woman who recently divorced her husband and whose son became a man through the good offices of the Irish Republic told me while I was hoisting myself out of the infinity pool. “I’m here because I’m an explorer. I’m here because I’m trying something new.” What if I allowed myself to believe in her fantasy?

“YOU REALLY STARTED AT THE TOP,” they tell me. I’m at the Coastal Kitchen for my eggs and corned-beef hash, and the maître d’ has slotted me in between two couples. Fueled by coffee or perhaps intrigued by my relative youth, they strike up a conversation with me. As always, people are shocked that this is my first cruise. They contrast the Icon favorably with all the preceding liners in the Royal Caribbean fleet, usually commenting on the efficiency of the elevators that hurl us from deck to deck (as in many large corporate buildings, the elevators ask you to choose a floor and then direct you to one of many lifts). The couple to my right, from Palo Alto—he refers to his “porn mustache” and calls his wife “my cougar” because she is two years older—tell me they are “Pandemic Pinnacles.”

This is the day that my eyes will be opened. Pinnacles , it is explained to me over translucent cantaloupe, have sailed with Royal Caribbean for 700 ungodly nights. Pandemic Pinnacles took advantage of the two-for-one accrual rate of Pinnacle points during the pandemic, when sailing on a cruise ship was even more ill-advised, to catapult themselves into Pinnacle status.

Because of the importance of the inaugural voyage of the world’s largest cruise liner, more than 200 Pinnacles are on this ship, a startling number, it seems. Mrs. Palo Alto takes out a golden badge that I have seen affixed over many a breast, which reads CROWN AND ANCHOR SOCIETY along with her name. This is the coveted badge of the Pinnacle. “You should hear all the whining in Guest Services,” her husband tells me. Apparently, the Pinnacles who are not also Suites like us are all trying to use their status to get into Coastal Kitchen, our elite restaurant. Even a Pinnacle needs to be a Suite to access this level of corned-beef hash.

“We’re just baby Pinnacles,” Mrs. Palo Alto tells me, describing a kind of internal class struggle among the Pinnacle elite for ever higher status.

And now I understand what the maître d’ was saying to me on the first day of my cruise. He wasn’t saying “ pendejo .” He was saying “Pinnacle.” The dining room was for Pinnacles only, all those older people rolling in like the tide on their motorized scooters.

And now I understand something else: This whole thing is a cult. And like most cults, it can’t help but mirror the endless American fight for status. Like Keith Raniere’s NXIVM, where different-colored sashes were given out to connote rank among Raniere’s branded acolytes, this is an endless competition among Pinnacles, Suites, Diamond-Plusers, and facing-the-mall, no-balcony purple SeaPass Card peasants, not to mention the many distinctions within each category. The more you cruise, the higher your status. No wonder a section of the Royal Promenade is devoted to getting passengers to book their next cruise during the one they should be enjoying now. No wonder desperate Royal Caribbean offers (“FINAL HOURS”) crowded my email account weeks before I set sail. No wonder the ship’s jewelry store, the Royal Bling, is selling a $100,000 golden chalice that will entitle its owner to drink free on Royal Caribbean cruises for life. (One passenger was already gaming out whether her 28-year-old son was young enough to “just about earn out” on the chalice or if that ship had sailed.) No wonder this ship was sold out months before departure , and we had to pay $19,000 for a horrid suite away from the Suite Neighborhood. No wonder the most mythical hero of Royal Caribbean lore is someone named Super Mario, who has cruised so often, he now has his own working desk on many ships. This whole experience is part cult, part nautical pyramid scheme.

From the June 2014 issue: Ship of wonks

“The toilets are amazing,” the Palo Altos are telling me. “One flush and you’re done.” “They don’t understand how energy-efficient these ships are,” the husband of the other couple is telling me. “They got the LNG”—liquefied natural gas, which is supposed to make the Icon a boon to the environment (a concept widely disputed and sometimes ridiculed by environmentalists).

But I’m thinking along a different line of attack as I spear my last pallid slice of melon. For my streaming limited series, a Pinnacle would have to get killed by either an outright peasant or a Suite without an ocean view. I tell my breakfast companions my idea.

“Oh, for sure a Pinnacle would have to be killed,” Mr. Palo Alto, the Pandemic Pinnacle, says, touching his porn mustache thoughtfully as his wife nods.

“THAT’S RIGHT, IT’S your time, buddy!” Hubert, my fun-loving Panamanian cabin attendant, shouts as I step out of my suite in a robe. “Take it easy, buddy!”

I have come up with a new dressing strategy. Instead of trying to impress with my choice of T-shirts, I have decided to start wearing a robe, as one does at a resort property on land, with a proper spa and hammam. The response among my fellow cruisers has been ecstatic. “Look at you in the robe!” Mr. Rand cries out as we pass each other by the Thrill Island aqua park. “You’re living the cruise life! You know, you really drank me under the table that night.” I laugh as we part ways, but my soul cries out, Please spend more time with me, Mr. and Mrs. Rand; I so need the company .

In my white robe, I am a stately presence, a refugee from a better limited series, a one-man crossover episode. (Only Suites are granted these robes to begin with.) Today, I will try many of the activities these ships have on offer to provide their clientele with a sense of never-ceasing motion. Because I am already at Thrill Island, I decide to climb the staircase to what looks like a mast on an old-fashioned ship (terrified, because I am afraid of heights) to try a ride called “Storm Chasers,” which is part of the “Category 6” water park, named in honor of one of the storms that may someday do away with the Port of Miami entirely. Storm Chasers consists of falling from the “mast” down a long, twisting neon tube filled with water, like being the camera inside your own colonoscopy, as you hold on to the handles of a mat, hoping not to die. The tube then flops you down headfirst into a trough of water, a Royal Caribbean baptism. It both knocks my breath out and makes me sad.

In keeping with the aquatic theme, I attend a show at the AquaDome. To the sound of “Live and Let Die,” a man in a harness gyrates to and fro in the sultry air. I saw something very similar in the back rooms of the famed Berghain club in early-aughts Berlin. Soon another harnessed man is gyrating next to the first. Ja , I think to myself, I know how this ends. Now will come the fisting , natürlich . But the show soon devolves into the usual Marvel-film-grade nonsense, with too much light and sound signifying nichts . If any fisting is happening, it is probably in the Suite Neighborhood, inside a cabin marked with an upside-down pineapple, which I understand means a couple are ready to swing, and I will see none of it.

I go to the ice show, which is a kind of homage—if that’s possible—to the periodic table, done with the style and pomp and masterful precision that would please the likes of Kim Jong Un, if only he could afford Royal Caribbean talent. At one point, the dancers skate to the theme song of Succession . “See that!” I want to say to my fellow Suites—at “cultural” events, we have a special section reserved for us away from the commoners—“ Succession ! It’s even better than the zombie show! Open your minds!”

Finally, I visit a comedy revue in an enormous and too brightly lit version of an “intimate,” per Royal Caribbean literature, “Manhattan comedy club.” Many of the jokes are about the cruising life. “I’ve lived on ships for 20 years,” one of the middle-aged comedians says. “I can only see so many Filipino homosexuals dressed as a taco.” He pauses while the audience laughs. “I am so fired tonight,” he says. He segues into a Trump impression and then Biden falling asleep at the microphone, which gets the most laughs. “Anyone here from Fort Leonard Wood?” another comedian asks. Half the crowd seems to cheer. As I fall asleep that night, I realize another connection I have failed to make, and one that may explain some of the diversity on this vessel—many of its passengers have served in the military.

As a coddled passenger with a suite, I feel like I am starting to understand what it means to have a rank and be constantly reminded of it. There are many espresso makers , I think as I look across the expanse of my officer-grade quarters before closing my eyes, but this one is mine .

A shocking sight greets me beyond the pools of Deck 17 as I saunter over to the Coastal Kitchen for my morning intake of slightly sour Americanos. A tiny city beneath a series of perfectly pressed green mountains. Land! We have docked for a brief respite in Basseterre, the capital of St. Kitts and Nevis. I wolf down my egg scramble to be one of the first passengers off the ship. Once past the gangway, I barely refrain from kissing the ground. I rush into the sights and sounds of this scruffy island city, sampling incredible conch curry and buckets of non-Starbucks coffee. How wonderful it is to be where God intended humans to be: on land. After all, I am neither a fish nor a mall rat. This is my natural environment. Basseterre may not be Havana, but there are signs of human ingenuity and desire everywhere you look. The Black Table Grill Has been Relocated to Soho Village, Market Street, Directly Behind of, Gary’s Fruits and Flower Shop. Signed. THE PORK MAN reads a sign stuck to a wall. Now, that is how you write a sign. A real sign, not the come-ons for overpriced Rolexes that blink across the screens of the Royal Promenade.

“Hey, tie your shoestring!” a pair of laughing ladies shout to me across the street.

“Thank you!” I shout back. Shoestring! “Thank you very much.”

A man in Independence Square Park comes by and asks if I want to play with his monkey. I haven’t heard that pickup line since the Penn Station of the 1980s. But then he pulls a real monkey out of a bag. The monkey is wearing a diaper and looks insane. Wonderful , I think, just wonderful! There is so much life here. I email my editor asking if I can remain on St. Kitts and allow the Icon to sail off into the horizon without me. I have even priced a flight home at less than $300, and I have enough material from the first four days on the cruise to write the entire story. “It would be funny …” my editor replies. “Now get on the boat.”

As I slink back to the ship after my brief jailbreak, the locals stand under umbrellas to gaze at and photograph the boat that towers over their small capital city. The limousines of the prime minister and his lackeys are parked beside the gangway. St. Kitts, I’ve been told, is one of the few islands that would allow a ship of this size to dock.

“We hear about all the waterslides,” a sweet young server in one of the cafés told me. “We wish we could go on the ship, but we have to work.”

“I want to stay on your island,” I replied. “I love it here.”

But she didn’t understand how I could possibly mean that.

“WASHY, WASHY, so you don’t get stinky, stinky!” kids are singing outside the AquaDome, while their adult minders look on in disapproval, perhaps worried that Mr. Washy Washy is grooming them into a life of gayness. I heard a southern couple skip the buffet entirely out of fear of Mr. Washy Washy.

Meanwhile, I have found a new watering hole for myself, the Swim & Tonic, the biggest swim-up bar on any cruise ship in the world. Drinking next to full-size, nearly naked Americans takes away one’s own self-consciousness. The men have curvaceous mom bodies. The women are equally un-shy about their sprawling physiques.

Today I’ve befriended a bald man with many children who tells me that all of the little trinkets that Royal Caribbean has left us in our staterooms and suites are worth a fortune on eBay. “Eighty dollars for the water bottle, 60 for the lanyard,” the man says. “This is a cult.”

“Tell me about it,” I say. There is, however, a clientele for whom this cruise makes perfect sense. For a large middle-class family (he works in “supply chains”), seven days in a lower-tier cabin—which starts at $1,800 a person—allow the parents to drop off their children in Surfside, where I imagine many young Filipina crew members will take care of them, while the parents are free to get drunk at a swim-up bar and maybe even get intimate in their cabin. Cruise ships have become, for a certain kind of hardworking family, a form of subsidized child care.

There is another man I would like to befriend at the Swim & Tonic, a tall, bald fellow who is perpetually inebriated and who wears a necklace studded with little rubber duckies in sunglasses, which, I am told, is a sort of secret handshake for cruise aficionados. Tomorrow, I will spend more time with him, but first the ship docks at St. Thomas, in the U.S. Virgin Islands. Charlotte Amalie, the capital, is more charming in name than in presence, but I still all but jump off the ship to score a juicy oxtail and plantains at the well-known Petite Pump Room, overlooking the harbor. From one of the highest points in the small city, the Icon of the Seas appears bigger than the surrounding hills.

I usually tan very evenly, but something about the discombobulation of life at sea makes me forget the regular application of sunscreen. As I walk down the streets of Charlotte Amalie in my fluorescent Icon of the Seas cap, an old Rastafarian stares me down. “Redneck,” he hisses.

“No,” I want to tell him, as I bring a hand up to my red neck, “that’s not who I am at all. On my island, Mannahatta, as Whitman would have it, I am an interesting person living within an engaging artistic milieu. I do not wish to use the Caribbean as a dumping ground for the cruise-ship industry. I love the work of Derek Walcott. You don’t understand. I am not a redneck. And if I am, they did this to me.” They meaning Royal Caribbean? Its passengers? The Rands?

“They did this to me!”

Back on the Icon, some older matrons are muttering about a run-in with passengers from the Celebrity cruise ship docked next to us, the Celebrity Apex. Although Celebrity Cruises is also owned by Royal Caribbean, I am made to understand that there is a deep fratricidal beef between passengers of the two lines. “We met a woman from the Apex,” one matron says, “and she says it was a small ship and there was nothing to do. Her face was as tight as a 19-year-old’s, she had so much surgery.” With those words, and beneath a cloudy sky, humidity shrouding our weathered faces and red necks, we set sail once again, hopefully in the direction of home.

THERE ARE BARELY 48 HOURS LEFT to the cruise, and the Icon of the Seas’ passengers are salty. They know how to work the elevators. They know the Washy Washy song by heart. They understand that the chicken gyro at “Feta Mediterranean,” in the AquaDome Market, is the least problematic form of chicken on the ship.

The passengers have shed their INAUGURAL CRUISE T-shirts and are now starting to evince political opinions. There are caps pledging to make America great again and T-shirts that celebrate words sometimes attributed to Patrick Henry: “The Constitution is not an instrument for the government to restrain the people; it is an instrument for the people to restrain the government.” With their preponderance of FAMILY FLAG FAITH FRIENDS FIREARMS T-shirts, the tables by the crepe station sometimes resemble the Capitol Rotunda on January 6. The Real Anthony Fauci , by Robert F. Kennedy Jr., appears to be a popular form of literature, especially among young men with very complicated versions of the American flag on their T-shirts. Other opinions blend the personal and the political. “Someone needs to kill Washy guy, right?” a well-dressed man in the elevator tells me, his gray eyes radiating nothing. “Just beat him to death. Am I right?” I overhear the male member of a young couple whisper, “There goes that freak” as I saunter by in my white spa robe, and I decide to retire it for the rest of the cruise.

I visit the Royal Bling to see up close the $100,000 golden chalice that entitles you to free drinks on Royal Caribbean forever. The pleasant Serbian saleslady explains that the chalice is actually gold-plated and covered in white zirconia instead of diamonds, as it would otherwise cost $1 million. “If you already have everything,” she explains, “this is one more thing you can get.”

I believe that anyone who works for Royal Caribbean should be entitled to immediate American citizenship. They already speak English better than most of the passengers and, per the Serbian lady’s sales pitch above, better understand what America is as well. Crew members like my Panamanian cabin attendant seem to work 24 hours a day. A waiter from New Delhi tells me that his contract is six months and three weeks long. After a cruise ends, he says, “in a few hours, we start again for the next cruise.” At the end of the half a year at sea, he is allowed a two-to-three-month stay at home with his family. As of 2019, the median income for crew members was somewhere in the vicinity of $20,000, according to a major business publication. Royal Caribbean would not share the current median salary for its crew members, but I am certain that it amounts to a fraction of the cost of a Royal Bling gold-plated, zirconia-studded chalice.

And because most of the Icon’s hyper-sanitized spaces are just a frittata away from being a Delta lounge, one forgets that there are actual sailors on this ship, charged with the herculean task of docking it in port. “Having driven 100,000-ton aircraft carriers throughout my career,” retired Admiral James G. Stavridis, the former NATO Supreme Allied Commander Europe, writes to me, “I’m not sure I would even know where to begin with trying to control a sea monster like this one nearly three times the size.” (I first met Stavridis while touring Army bases in Germany more than a decade ago.)

Today, I decide to head to the hot tub near Swim & Tonic, where some of the ship’s drunkest reprobates seem to gather (the other tubs are filled with families and couples). The talk here, like everywhere else on the ship, concerns football, a sport about which I know nothing. It is apparent that four teams have recently competed in some kind of finals for the year, and that two of them will now face off in the championship. Often when people on the Icon speak, I will try to repeat the last thing they said with a laugh or a nod of disbelief. “Yes, 20-yard line! Ha!” “Oh my God, of course, scrimmage.”

Soon we are joined in the hot tub by the late-middle-age drunk guy with the duck necklace. He is wearing a bucket hat with the legend HAWKEYES , which, I soon gather, is yet another football team. “All right, who turned me in?” Duck Necklace says as he plops into the tub beside us. “I get a call in the morning,” he says. “It’s security. Can you come down to the dining room by 10 a.m.? You need to stay away from the members of this religious family.” Apparently, the gregarious Duck Necklace had photobombed the wrong people. There are several families who present as evangelical Christians or practicing Muslims on the ship. One man, evidently, was not happy that Duck Necklace had made contact with his relatives. “It’s because of religious stuff; he was offended. I put my arm around 20 people a day.”

Everyone laughs. “They asked me three times if I needed medication,” he says of the security people who apparently interrogated him in full view of others having breakfast.

Another hot-tub denizen suggests that he should have asked for fentanyl. After a few more drinks, Duck Necklace begins to muse about what it would be like to fall off the ship. “I’m 62 and I’m ready to go,” he says. “I just don’t want a shark to eat me. I’m a huge God guy. I’m a Bible guy. There’s some Mayan theory squaring science stuff with religion. There is so much more to life on Earth.” We all nod into our Red Stripes.

“I never get off the ship when we dock,” he says. He tells us he lost $6,000 in the casino the other day. Later, I look him up, and it appears that on land, he’s a financial adviser in a crisp gray suit, probably a pillar of his North Chicago community.

THE OCEAN IS TEEMING with fascinating life, but on the surface it has little to teach us. The waves come and go. The horizon remains ever far away.

I am constantly told by my fellow passengers that “everybody here has a story.” Yes, I want to reply, but everybody everywhere has a story. You, the reader of this essay, have a story, and yet you’re not inclined to jump on a cruise ship and, like Duck Necklace, tell your story to others at great pitch and volume. Maybe what they’re saying is that everybody on this ship wants to have a bigger, more coherent, more interesting story than the one they’ve been given. Maybe that’s why there’s so much signage on the doors around me attesting to marriages spent on the sea. Maybe that’s why the Royal Caribbean newsletter slipped under my door tells me that “this isn’t a vacation day spent—it’s bragging rights earned.” Maybe that’s why I’m so lonely.

Today is a big day for Icon passengers. Today the ship docks at Royal Caribbean’s own Bahamian island, the Perfect Day at CocoCay. (This appears to be the actual name of the island.) A comedian at the nightclub opined on what his perfect day at CocoCay would look like—receiving oral sex while learning that his ex-wife had been killed in a car crash (big laughter). But the reality of the island is far less humorous than that.

One of the ethnic tristate ladies in the infinity pool told me that she loved CocoCay because it had exactly the same things that could be found on the ship itself. This proves to be correct. It is like the Icon, but with sand. The same tired burgers, the same colorful tubes conveying children and water from Point A to B. The same swim-up bar at its Hideaway ($140 for admittance, no children allowed; Royal Caribbean must be printing money off its clientele). “There was almost a fight at The Wizard of Oz ,” I overhear an elderly woman tell her companion on a chaise lounge. Apparently one of the passengers began recording Royal Caribbean’s intellectual property and “three guys came after him.”

I walk down a pathway to the center of the island, where a sign reads DO NOT ENTER: YOU HAVE REACHED THE BOUNDARY OF ADVENTURE . I hear an animal scampering in the bushes. A Royal Caribbean worker in an enormous golf cart soon chases me down and takes me back to the Hideaway, where I run into Mrs. Rand in a bikini. She becomes livid telling me about an altercation she had the other day with a woman over a towel and a deck chair. We Suites have special towel privileges; we do not have to hand over our SeaPass Card to score a towel. But the Rands are not Suites. “People are so entitled here,” Mrs. Rand says. “It’s like the airport with all its classes.” “You see,” I want to say, “this is where your husband’s love of Ayn Rand runs into the cruelties and arbitrary indignities of unbridled capitalism.” Instead we make plans to meet for a final drink in the Schooner Bar tonight (the Rands will stand me up).

Back on the ship, I try to do laps, but the pool (the largest on any cruise ship, naturally) is fully trashed with the detritus of American life: candy wrappers, a slowly dissolving tortilla chip, napkins. I take an extra-long shower in my suite, then walk around the perimeter of the ship on a kind of exercise track, past all the alluring lifeboats in their yellow-and-white livery. Maybe there is a dystopian angle to the HBO series that I will surely end up pitching, one with shades of WALL-E or Snowpiercer . In a collapsed world, a Royal Caribbean–like cruise liner sails from port to port, collecting new shipmates and supplies in exchange for the precious energy it has on board. (The actual Icon features a new technology that converts passengers’ poop into enough energy to power the waterslides . In the series, this shitty technology would be greatly expanded.) A very young woman (18? 19?), smart and lonely, who has only known life on the ship, walks along the same track as I do now, contemplating jumping off into the surf left by its wake. I picture reusing Duck Necklace’s words in the opening shot of the pilot. The girl is walking around the track, her eyes on the horizon; maybe she’s highborn—a Suite—and we hear the voice-over: “I’m 19 and I’m ready to go. I just don’t want a shark to eat me.”

Before the cruise is finished, I talk to Mr. Washy Washy, or Nielbert of the Philippines. He is a sweet, gentle man, and I thank him for the earworm of a song he has given me and for keeping us safe from the dreaded norovirus. “This is very important to me, getting people to wash their hands,” he tells me in his burger getup. He has dreams, as an artist and a performer, but they are limited in scope. One day he wants to dress up as a piece of bacon for the morning shift.

THE MAIDEN VOYAGE OF THE TITANIC (the Icon of the Seas is five times as large as that doomed vessel) at least offered its passengers an exciting ending to their cruise, but when I wake up on the eighth day, all I see are the gray ghosts that populate Miami’s condo skyline. Throughout my voyage, my writer friends wrote in to commiserate with me. Sloane Crosley, who once covered a three-day spa mini-cruise for Vogue , tells me she felt “so very alone … I found it very untethering.” Gideon Lewis-Kraus writes in an Instagram comment: “When Gary is done I think it’s time this genre was taken out back and shot.” And he is right. To badly paraphrase Adorno: After this, no more cruise stories. It is unfair to put a thinking person on a cruise ship. Writers typically have difficult childhoods, and it is cruel to remind them of the inherent loneliness that drove them to writing in the first place. It is also unseemly to write about the kind of people who go on cruises. Our country does not provide the education and upbringing that allow its citizens an interior life. For the creative class to point fingers at the large, breasty gentlemen adrift in tortilla-chip-laden pools of water is to gather a sour harvest of low-hanging fruit.

A day or two before I got off the ship, I decided to make use of my balcony, which I had avoided because I thought the view would only depress me further. What I found shocked me. My suite did not look out on Central Park after all. This entire time, I had been living in the ship’s Disneyland, Surfside, the neighborhood full of screaming toddlers consuming milkshakes and candy. And as I leaned out over my balcony, I beheld a slight vista of the sea and surf that I thought I had been missing. It had been there all along. The sea was frothy and infinite and blue-green beneath the span of a seagull’s wing. And though it had been trod hard by the world’s largest cruise ship, it remained.

This article appears in the May 2024 print edition with the headline “A Meatball at Sea.” When you buy a book using a link on this page, we receive a commission. Thank you for supporting The Atlantic.

Moscow - Russian Rivers and Waterways Port of Call

Moscow is a wonderful city to visit, and travelers on river ship cruise tours to or from St. Petersburg spend a few days in Moscow . This capital city of Russia was our last port on a river cruise tour, and we had about four days to see most of the highlights. Our first day we did an overview driving tour and rode the subway under the Mockba (Moscow) River to Red Square. The next day we toured the State Armory and the Kremlin.

These photos show some of the other highlights you can see with three or four days in Moscow .

The Northern River Terminal is located on the Moscow Canal in the northwest section of Moscow at the Khimki Reservoir.

Most river cruise ships sailing between Moscow and St. Petersburg use the ship as a hotel while in Moscow. Because of traffic, it's often a long drive into the city, but the sights along the way are interesting, and you only have to unpack once for the river cruise.

View of Downtown Moscow from Sparrow Hills

Sparrow Hills is the best place to get a great panoramic view of Moscow. The Sparrow Hills overlook the Mockba River and are near Moscow State University.

Novodevichy Convent in Moscow

Novodevichy Convent in Moscow was founded in 1524, and was once used as a sort of prison for the unwanted wives and sisters of the Tsars. Peter the Great sent both his first wife and his sister to Novodevichy. Since the convent had such famous nuns, it was very wealthy due to the many donations of the Tsars and their families. At one time in the 1700s, the cloister had over 36,000 serfs working in 36 villages. Novodevichy was ravaged by the French armies in 1812, but the brave nuns saved the buildings by disarming the fuses set to blow them up. The Soviets wanted to make the convent into a museum in the early 1920s, but it was again saved.

Novodevichy also has a cemetery with the graves of many famous Russians, including Nikita Khrushchev, Anton Chekhov, Raisa Gorbachev, and Yuri Nikulin.

View of the Mockba River in Moscow, Russia

The Mockba (Moscow) River runs into the Volga via the 79.5 mile long Moscow Canal.

River ships sailing between Moscow and St. Petersburg on the Baltic Waterways embark and disembark at the Northern River Terminal about an hour's drive from the city. The drive time can vary significantly in length because of the heavy Moscow traffic. The river looks peaceful here, as it winds around the cosmopolitan area of Moscow.

Cathedral of Christ the Redeemer (Cathedral of Christ the Savior) in Moscow

The Cathedral of Christ the Redeemer, also known as the Cathedral of Christ the Savior, is the largest church in Russia, holding 10,000 worshipers.

The original Cathedral of Christ the Savior was built over 44 years to celebrate the 1812 victory over Napoleon. It was completed in 1883. Stalin had the church destroyed in 1931, but it was rebuilt using mostly private funds in 1999. The new church is a replica of the original. Note that it took 44 years the first time and only 4 years the second to complete the church! Isn't modern technology impressive.

One interesting tidbit is that it took three attempts to blow up the church in 1931. Stalin planned to build a huge Palace of the Soviets on the cleared land, but engineers determined that the land was too boggy. In the 60 years intervening, the space was used for a variety of things, including a year-round swimming pool!

Vendors' Market and Ski Jump at Sparrow Hills in Moscow

The panoramic view of Moscow from Sparrow Hills is a stopover for most tour groups, so we were not surprised to see a large number of vendors. The ski jump was a surprise, but Moscow gets very cold in winter, so winter sports are very popular. This ski jump is near Moscow State University and has a great view of the city. Seeing this ski jump reminded me of the famous Holmenkollen Ski Jump in Oslo, which also has a great view of that northern capital city.

Russian Soldiers' Memorial in Victory Park in Moscow

Matryoshka dolls for sale in moscow.

I thought this display of dolls was beautiful! The Matryoshka nesting dolls range in price from just a few dollars to thousands of dollars.

Central Museum of Armed Forces in Moscow, Russia

This small band greeted us at the Central Museum of Armed Forces in Moscow. They played a variety of band music and made us all feel very welcome.

Grand Triumphal Arch Celebrates the Victory Over Napoleon in the War of 1812

This arch looks a little like the Arc de Triomphe in Paris, and it is located near the Victory Park Metro Station in Moscow.

This Grand Triumphal Arch is decorated with the coats of arms from the 48 Russian provinces. To celebrate the victory over France in the war of 1812, it also includes bas-reliefs of the "Expulsion of the French." The arch was originally built in 1834, but has only been on this site since 1968.

It is a little ironic that this arch resembles the Paris Arc de Triomphe , which Napoleon built between 1806 and 1836 to celebrate his French victories.

Moscow Metro Station at the Ploshchad Revolyutsii (Revolution Square)

This station near Red Square has many statues honoring the workers of Russia.

Moscow Metro Station near Victory Park

The Metro in Moscow is one of its shining industrial achievements. Construction on the Metro was begun in 1931 and continues today. The system has over 165 stations and 155 miles of track. Over 9300 trains, traveling sometimes as fast as 56 mph, navigate the huge system each day. Almost 10 million people ride the Moscow Metro every day, which is more than the New York and London systems combined. We found the Metro to be very efficient, with trains arriving every few minutes.

Navigating the Metro system can be somewhat of a problem for non-Russian speaking riders. Most of the signage is in Cyrillic only, and the stations are quite large. Trying to find the correct exit while walking long distances underground can be challenging.

On our cruise tour, we rode the Metro as a group with our program director from near Victory Park under the Mockba River to Red Square. Several of the group ventured out on their own during our time in Moscow, and many rode the Metro. They all returned with stories of getting lost underground, but none seemed the worse for the experience, and they all loved telling the tales.

Red Square in Moscow

Red Square in Moscow is a must-see for visitors to the capital city of Russia.

The Kremlin in Moscow, Russia

The Kremlin is a favorite of Moscow tourists. Inside these walls are buildings for the government of Russia, cathedrals, and the wonderful State Armory museum.

Taras Bulba Restaurant in Moscow

We enjoyed a traditional Ukrainian lunch at this cute restaurant in Moscow before checking in at our hotel.

Buses Wait for Passengers Outside Museum

River cruise tour groups are usually divided into groups for the duration of the tour. Each group had their own bus when touring.

Military Airplanes at the Central Museum of Armed Forces in Moscow, Russia

Although much of the military museum was indoors, there was quite a collection of planes, helicopters, missile launchers, and tanks outside.

Foreign Ministry Building, One of Moscow's Seven Stalinist-Gothic Skyscrapers

Seven skyscrapers with layers giving them a "wedding cake" appearance dot the Moscow skyline. The style is considered Stalinist-Gothic.

Russian and American War Veterans at the Central Museum of Armed Forces

Meeting with some World War II Russian War veterans was a highlight of our day at the Central Museum of Armed Forces in Moscow.

Rocket Launchers and Missiles at the Central Museum of Armed Forces in Moscow

The inside of this museum is particularly impressive, but you will need a guide since all of the signage is only in Russian.

Old Arbat Pedestrian Shopping Area in Moscow

We all enjoyed exploring the shops on this mile-long pedestrian shopping area.

Food prices were high in the tourist attraction, with two small pizzas, two small beers, and a bottle of water at an outdoor cafe costing $40. Many of our group ate at the large McDonalds, where prices were more reasonable.

Female Cosmonaut Model at Star City Cosmonaut Training Center near Moscow

Female cosmonauts play an important role in the Russian space program. In 1963, Valentina Tereshkova from Yaroslavl was the first woman in space.

Souvenir Shop in Old Arbat Shopping Area in Moscow

The area of Old Arbat had many English signs to attract the tourist trade.

Centrifuge at Star City Outside Moscow, Russia

This 18 meter centrifuge is the world's largest. The centrifuge weighs over 30000 tons, and the maximum load is 30 G, but most tests are run at 3 or 4 G.

A centrifuge ride is the first test for a cosmonaut, whose entire training school takes from five to eight years. The centrifuge can simulate the extreme force of gravity that cosmonauts (and astronauts) face when going into space. A centrifuge training session lasts about 30 minutes, and the trainee experiences both the centrifugal force as well as the spin of the pod he/she is riding in. Just typing this makes me a little queasy!

Cosmonaut's Bathroom Facilities on First Space Flights at Star City

Just like in the USA, everyone who visits the Star City cosmonaut training center near Moscow wants to know how cosmonauts "go to the bathroom". They have more sophisticated equipment today, but this contraption from the early space flights is fairly self explanatory.

Star City Tank Used for Cosmonaut Weightlessness Training near Moscow

This 12-meter deep pool is used to simulate weightlessness training. The pool is flooded and the cosmonauts perform repair tasks on the model of the International Space Station. SCUBA diving underwater is very similar to the weightless experience the cosmonauts experience when working in outer space.

Mir Space Station Replica at Star City near Moscow

The original Mir disintegrated when it fell to earth in 2001. Mir, which means peace in Russian, was launched in 1986.

Marvel Paull with Statue of Yuri Gagarin at Star City near Moscow

Yuri Gagarin was the first man in space, and the Star City Cosmonaut training center was named after him in 1968.

River Cruise Passengers with Yuri Onufrienko, Russian Cosmonaut at Star City

In case you can't tell, Yuri is the one in the middle. My famous traveling mother, Marvel Paull, is on the left and Dick, a cruise friend is on the right.

A highlight of our day in Star City was a visit with Yuri Onufrienko , a Russian cosmonaut who spent extended time in space at the Mir space station in 1996 and the International Space Station in 2001-2002. Yuri patiently took many questions from our small inquisitive group.

Cosmonaut Space Suit at Star City near Moscow

Cosmonauts sit in this position on take off. Thanks to Jerry G. for the tip about the sign. It says, "Don't touch!"

Stained Glass Window at Star City near Moscow

Program directors at farewell dinner in moscow.

After 16 days of discovery, learning, and fun, we had a farewell dinner with the six Program Directors - Evgeny, Olga, Vladimir, Svetlana, Violetta, and Marina - in Moscow.

The Kremlin is a triangular, walled citadel in the center of Moscow. The Kremlin is considered by most to be the heart of the city. First conceived in the 12th century, the Kremlin (which means fortress) was expanded by Tsar Ivan III (Ivan the Great) during the 15th century. His architects designed the magnificent Cathedral of the Assumption and the Faceted Palace, and the Kremlin was an interesting mix of both Russian and Renaissance styles. During the Soviet time of the 1930s, many of the Kremlin buildings were destroyed or vandalized, and the complex remained closed to the public until 1955.

Today the Kremlin is home to the Russian President and his administration. Many buildings are open to the public, but you may need to be with a guide (check in advance).

I visited the Kremlin when in Moscow on a Russian Waterways cruise tour from St. Petersburg.

The Kremlin was also one of the 21 finalists for the New Seven Wonders of the World.  

Red Square in Moscow, Russia

Red Square's name has nothing to do with Communism or Soviet Russia. The old Russian word for "beautiful" and "red" was the same; the square was supposed to be called "Beautiful Square". Red Square has been the center of Moscow activity since the 16th century when the Tsar cleared the area and allowed vendors, shoppers, and businesses to fill the square. Today this square is surrounded by the Moscow Kremlin, the State Historical Museum, GUM Shopping Mall , and St. Basil's Cathedral .

Many of the important events of the last three hundred years in Russia have been marked by parades or demonstrations in Red Square. Anyone who enters Red Square will have memories from TV or movie reels of this magnificent public square. Those of us who grew up during the Cold War era can remember the parades of soldiers, tanks, and other armaments past Lenin's Tomb just outside the Kremlin Wall. The World War II generation remembers Red Square as the site of a huge victory celebration at the end of the war.

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Top Tours in Moscow, Russia

Moscow tours.

• Private Tours
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• 3rd Transport Ring (TTK)
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• Garden Ring
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• Good for Big Groups
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• Good for Couples
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• Honeymoon spot
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• Things to do ranked using Tripadvisor data including reviews, ratings, photos, and popularity.

1. Moscow Private Tours

2. Mosstreets

3. Moscow through the Eyes of an Engineer

4. Flotilla Radisson Royal

5. Moscow Free Tour

6. Spanish Guide Moscow - Day Tours

7. Bridge to Moscow

8. Go Russia Travel Company

10. City Pub Crawl Moscow

11. Privilege Tour

13. Trans-Siberian Railway Network

14. Moscow Navigator

15. Put-in Tours

16. Moscow River Boat Tours

17. Walks With Folks

18. Moskovskiye Gulyaki

19. Moscow Bike Tours

20. Real Russia

22. Happy Moscow Tours

23. Tour of Moscow - Day Tours

24. Kremlin Tour

25. Three Whales

26. Guia de Moscú

27. IdeaGuide - Your Personal Guide in Moscow

28. Excursions in Russia

29. Tsar Visit

30. VikiTours

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2018 Primetime Emmy & James Beard Award Winner

In Transit: Notes from the Underground

Jun 06 2018.

Spend some time in one of Moscow’s finest museums.

Subterranean commuting might not be anyone’s idea of a good time, but even in a city packing the war-games treasures and priceless bejeweled eggs of the Kremlin Armoury and the colossal Soviet pavilions of the VDNKh , the Metro holds up as one of Moscow’s finest museums. Just avoid rush hour.

The Metro is stunning and provides an unrivaled insight into the city’s psyche, past and present, but it also happens to be the best way to get around. Moscow has Uber, and the Russian version called Yandex Taxi , but also some nasty traffic. Metro trains come around every 90 seconds or so, at a more than 99 percent on-time rate. It’s also reasonably priced, with a single ride at 55 cents (and cheaper in bulk). From history to tickets to rules — official and not — here’s what you need to know to get started.

A Brief Introduction Buying Tickets Know Before You Go (Down) Rules An Easy Tour

A Brief Introduction

Moscow’s Metro was a long time coming. Plans for rapid transit to relieve the city’s beleaguered tram system date back to the Imperial era, but a couple of wars and a revolution held up its development. Stalin revived it as part of his grand plan to modernize the Soviet Union in the 1920s and 30s. The first lines and tunnels were constructed with help from engineers from the London Underground, although Stalin’s secret police decided that they had learned too much about Moscow’s layout and had them arrested on espionage charges and deported.

The beauty of its stations (if not its trains) is well-documented, and certainly no accident. In its illustrious first phases and particularly after the Second World War, the greatest architects of Soviet era were recruited to create gleaming temples celebrating the Revolution, the USSR, and the war triumph. No two stations are exactly alike, and each of the classic showpieces has a theme. There are world-famous shrines to Futurist architecture, a celebration of electricity, tributes to individuals and regions of the former Soviet Union. Each marble slab, mosaic tile, or light fixture was placed with intent, all in service to a station’s aesthetic; each element, f rom the smallest brass ear of corn to a large blood-spattered sword on a World War II mural, is an essential part of the whole.

The Metro is a monument to the Soviet propaganda project it was intended to be when it opened in 1935 with the slogan “Building a Palace for the People”. It brought the grand interiors of Imperial Russia to ordinary Muscovites, celebrated the Soviet Union’s past achievements while promising its citizens a bright Soviet future, and of course, it was a show-piece for the world to witness the might and sophistication of life in the Soviet Union.

It may be a museum, but it’s no relic. U p to nine million people use it daily, more than the London Underground and New York Subway combined. (Along with, at one time, about 20 stray dogs that learned to commute on the Metro.)

In its 80+ year history, the Metro has expanded in phases and fits and starts, in step with the fortunes of Moscow and Russia. Now, partly in preparation for the World Cup 2018, it’s also modernizing. New trains allow passengers to walk the entire length of the train without having to change carriages. The system is becoming more visitor-friendly. (There are helpful stickers on the floor marking out the best selfie spots .) But there’s a price to modernity: it’s phasing out one of its beloved institutions, the escalator attendants. Often they are middle-aged or elderly women—“ escalator grandmas ” in news accounts—who have held the post for decades, sitting in their tiny kiosks, scolding commuters for bad escalator etiquette or even bad posture, or telling jokes . They are slated to be replaced, when at all, by members of the escalator maintenance staff.

For all its achievements, the Metro lags behind Moscow’s above-ground growth, as Russia’s capital sprawls ever outwards, generating some of the world’s worst traffic jams . But since 2011, the Metro has been in the middle of an ambitious and long-overdue enlargement; 60 new stations are opening by 2020. If all goes to plan, the 2011-2020 period will have brought 125 miles of new tracks and over 100 new stations — a 40 percent increase — the fastest and largest expansion phase in any period in the Metro’s history.

Facts: 14 lines Opening hours: 5 a.m-1 a.m. Rush hour(s): 8-10 a.m, 4-8 p.m. Single ride: 55₽ (about 85 cents) Wi-Fi network-wide

Buying Tickets

• Ticket machines have a button to switch to English.
• You can buy specific numbers of rides: 1, 2, 5, 11, 20, or 60. Hold up fingers to show how many rides you want to buy.
• There is also a 90-minute ticket , which gets you 1 trip on the metro plus an unlimited number of transfers on other transport (bus, tram, etc) within 90 minutes.
• Or, you can buy day tickets with unlimited rides: one day (218₽/ US$4), three days (415₽/US$7) or seven days (830₽/US$15). Check the rates here to stay up-to-date.
• If you’re going to be using the Metro regularly over a few days, it’s worth getting a Troika card , a contactless, refillable card you can use on all public transport. Using the Metro is cheaper with one of these: a single ride is 36₽, not 55₽. Buy them and refill them in the Metro stations, and they’re valid for 5 years, so you can keep it for next time. Or, if you have a lot of cash left on it when you leave, you can get it refunded at the Metro Service Centers at Ulitsa 1905 Goda, 25 or at Staraya Basmannaya 20, Building 1.
• You can also buy silicone bracelets and keychains with built-in transport chips that you can use as a Troika card. (A Moscow Metro Fitbit!) So far, you can only get these at the Pushkinskaya metro station Live Helpdesk and souvenir shops in the Mayakovskaya and Trubnaya metro stations. The fare is the same as for the Troika card.
• You can also use Apple Pay and Samsung Pay.

Rules, spoken and unspoken

No smoking, no drinking, no filming, no littering. Photography is allowed, although it used to be banned.

Stand to the right on the escalator. Break this rule and you risk the wrath of the legendary escalator attendants. (No shenanigans on the escalators in general.)

Get out of the way. Find an empty corner to hide in when you get off a train and need to stare at your phone. Watch out getting out of the train in general; when your train doors open, people tend to appear from nowhere or from behind ornate marble columns, walking full-speed.

Always offer your seat to elderly ladies (what are you, a monster?).

An Easy Tour

This is no Metro Marathon ( 199 stations in 20 hours ). It’s an easy tour, taking in most—though not all—of the notable stations, the bulk of it going clockwise along the Circle line, with a couple of short detours. These stations are within minutes of one another, and the whole tour should take about 1-2 hours.

Start at Mayakovskaya Metro station , at the corner of Tverskaya and Garden Ring,  Triumfalnaya Square, Moskva, Russia, 125047.

1. Mayakovskaya.  Named for Russian Futurist Movement poet Vladimir Mayakovsky and an attempt to bring to life the future he imagined in his poems. (The Futurist Movement, natch, was all about a rejecting the past and celebrating all things speed, industry, modern machines, youth, modernity.) The result: an Art Deco masterpiece that won the National Grand Prix for architecture at the New York World’s Fair in 1939. It’s all smooth, rounded shine and light, and gentle arches supported by columns of dark pink marble and stainless aircraft steel. Each of its 34 ceiling niches has a mosaic. During World War II, the station was used as an air-raid shelter and, at one point, a bunker for Stalin. He gave a subdued but rousing speech here in Nov. 6, 1941 as the Nazis bombed the city above.

Take the 3/Green line one station to:

2. Belorusskaya. Opened in 1952, named after the connected Belarussky Rail Terminal, which runs trains between Moscow and Belarus. This is a light marble affair with a white, cake-like ceiling, lined with Belorussian patterns and 12 Florentine ceiling mosaics depicting life in Belarussia when it was built.

Transfer onto the 1/Brown line. Then, one stop (clockwise) t o:

3. Novoslobodskaya.  This station was designed around the stained-glass panels, which were made in Latvia, because Alexey Dushkin, the Soviet starchitect who dreamed it up (and also designed Mayakovskaya station) couldn’t find the glass and craft locally. The stained glass is the same used for Riga’s Cathedral, and the panels feature plants, flowers, members of the Soviet intelligentsia (musician, artist, architect) and geometric shapes.

Go two stops east on the 1/Circle line to:

4. Komsomolskaya. Named after the Komsomol, or the Young Communist League, this might just be peak Stalin Metro style. Underneath the hub for three regional railways, it was intended to be a grand gateway to Moscow and is today its busiest station. It has chandeliers; a yellow ceiling with Baroque embellishments; and in the main hall, a colossal red star overlaid on golden, shimmering tiles. Designer Alexey Shchusev designed it as an homage to the speech Stalin gave at Red Square on Nov. 7, 1941, in which he invoked Russia’s illustrious military leaders as a pep talk to Soviet soldiers through the first catastrophic year of the war.   The station’s eight large mosaics are of the leaders referenced in the speech, such as Alexander Nevsky, a 13th-century prince and military commander who bested German and Swedish invading armies.

One more stop clockwise to Kurskaya station,  and change onto the 3/Blue  line, and go one stop to:

5. Baumanskaya.   Opened in 1944. Named for the Bolshevik Revolutionary Nikolai Bauman , whose monument and namesake district are aboveground here. Though he seemed like a nasty piece of work (he apparently once publicly mocked a woman he had impregnated, who later hung herself), he became a Revolutionary martyr when he was killed in 1905 in a skirmish with a monarchist, who hit him on the head with part of a steel pipe. The station is in Art Deco style with atmospherically dim lighting, and a series of bronze sculptures of soldiers and homefront heroes during the War. At one end, there is a large mosaic portrait of Lenin.

Stay on that train direction one more east to:

6. Elektrozavodskaya. As you may have guessed from the name, this station is the Metro’s tribute to all thing electrical, built in 1944 and named after a nearby lightbulb factory. It has marble bas-relief sculptures of important figures in electrical engineering, and others illustrating the Soviet Union’s war-time struggles at home. The ceiling’s recurring rows of circular lamps give the station’s main tunnel a comforting glow, and a pleasing visual effect.

Double back two stops to Kurskaya station , and change back to the 1/Circle line. Sit tight for six stations to:

7. Kiyevskaya. This was the last station on the Circle line to be built, in 1954, completed under Nikita Khrushchev’ s guidance, as a tribute to his homeland, Ukraine. Its three large station halls feature images celebrating Ukraine’s contributions to the Soviet Union and Russo-Ukrainian unity, depicting musicians, textile-working, soldiers, farmers. (One hall has frescoes, one mosaics, and the third murals.) Shortly after it was completed, Khrushchev condemned the architectural excesses and unnecessary luxury of the Stalin era, which ushered in an epoch of more austere Metro stations. According to the legend at least, he timed the policy in part to ensure no Metro station built after could outshine Kiyevskaya.

Change to the 3/Blue line and go one stop west.

8. Park Pobedy. This is the deepest station on the Metro, with one of the world’s longest escalators, at 413 feet. If you stand still, the escalator ride to the surface takes about three minutes .) Opened in 2003 at Victory Park, the station celebrates two of Russia’s great military victories. Each end has a mural by Georgian artist Zurab Tsereteli, who also designed the “ Good Defeats Evil ” statue at the UN headquarters in New York. One mural depicts the Russian generals’ victory over the French in 1812 and the other, the German surrender of 1945. The latter is particularly striking; equal parts dramatic, triumphant, and gruesome. To the side, Red Army soldiers trample Nazi flags, and if you look closely there’s some blood spatter among the detail. Still, the biggest impressions here are the marble shine of the chessboard floor pattern and the pleasingly geometric effect if you view from one end to the other.

Keep going one more stop west to:

9. Slavyansky Bulvar.  One of the Metro’s youngest stations, it opened in 2008. With far higher ceilings than many other stations—which tend to have covered central tunnels on the platforms—it has an “open-air” feel (or as close to it as you can get, one hundred feet under). It’s an homage to French architect Hector Guimard, he of the Art Nouveau entrances for the Paris M é tro, and that’s precisely what this looks like: A Moscow homage to the Paris M é tro, with an additional forest theme. A Cyrillic twist on Guimard’s Metro-style lettering over the benches, furnished with t rees and branch motifs, including creeping vines as towering lamp-posts.

Stay on the 3/Blue line and double back four stations to:

10. Arbatskaya. Its first iteration, Arbatskaya-Smolenskaya station, was damaged by German bombs in 1941. It was rebuilt in 1953, and designed to double as a bomb shelter in the event of nuclear war, although unusually for stations built in the post-war phase, this one doesn’t have a war theme. It may also be one of the system’s most elegant: Baroque, but toned down a little, with red marble floors and white ceilings with gilded bronze c handeliers.

Jump back on the 3/Blue line  in the same direction and take it one more stop:

11. Ploshchad Revolyutsii (Revolution Square). Opened in 1938, and serving Red Square and the Kremlin . Its renowned central hall has marble columns flanked by 76 bronze statues of Soviet heroes: soldiers, students, farmers, athletes, writers, parents. Some of these statues’ appendages have a yellow sheen from decades of Moscow’s commuters rubbing them for good luck. Among the most popular for a superstitious walk-by rub: the snout of a frontier guard’s dog, a soldier’s gun (where the touch of millions of human hands have tapered the gun barrel into a fine, pointy blade), a baby’s foot, and a woman’s knee. (A brass rooster also sports the telltale gold sheen, though I am told that rubbing the rooster is thought to bring bad luck. )

Now take the escalator up, and get some fresh air.

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I sailed on Royal Caribbean's 2 largest cruise ships. They were shockingly similar for the $1,000 difference

• Royal Caribbean operates many of the cruise industry's biggest ships.
• Icon of the Seas  launched in January, dethroning its predecessor, Wonder of the Seas, as the world's largest.
• Here's how the two mega-ships compare in size, neighborhoods, amenities, dining, cabins, and costs.

Icon of the Seas, Royal Caribbean's new mega-cruise ship darling, was deemed a success before it was even built.

In January, the highly anticipated vessel — complete with more than 40 bars and restaurants, a six-slide waterpark, and a waterfall — set sail, dethroning its less than two-year-old precursor, the Wonder of the Seas , as the world's largest cruise ship.

Before its debut, Michael Bayley, the president and CEO of Royal Caribbean International, had already repeatedly called Icon its "best-selling product" yet. The company experienced its largest booking day ever when reservations opened for Icon of the Seas more than a year before its launch, it said

Despite all of this fanfare, you might be surprised by how similar it is to its predecessor.

I've sailed on both ships. Let's see how Icon and Wonder compare in six categories: size, neighborhoods, amenities, dining, cabins, and costs.

Both ships stunt the size of their competitors.

Wonder of the Seas debuted in 2022 as the then-world's largest cruise liner, measuring 235,600 gross-tons, 1,188 feet-long, and 18 decks-tall. The ship can accommodate up to 9,288 people, including 2,204 crew.

Icon of the Seas is, comparatively, 13,063 gross-tons heavier, eight feet longer, and two decks taller. It can sail up to 9,950 people, including 2,350 crew, although it's 52 feet less wide than its predecessor.

Both vessels feel more like amusement parks than traditional cruise ships.

Royal Caribbean invited me on complimentary, non-revenue sailings on both ships: two nights on Wonder in late 2022 and three nights on Icon in January.

I spent most of my time lost, overwhelmed, and exhausted.

It's no surprise both ships are operating weeklong itineraries this year. Any less, and you might not have time to experience all the activities and restaurants on your list.

Like other Royal Caribbean ships, Wonder and Icon have eight 'neighborhoods' that serve separate purposes.

The new ship shares three of Wonder of the Seas' neighborhoods : Central Park, Royal Promenade, and Suite.

Icon's other five — Thrill Island , Surfside, Hideaway, Chill Island, and AquaDome — are a first for the cruise line.

Many of the ships' amenities overlap, but in differing quantities.

Wonder has three waterslides. Icon has a six-slide waterpark complete with rafting and racing options.

Both have increasingly popular cruise amenities like decks-long dry slides, mini-golf courses, rock climbing walls, and playgrounds.

But instead of Wonder of the Seas' zipline , Icon of the Seas has Crown's Edge, a thrilling agility course with a small zipline that leaves travelers dangling 154 feet above the ocean.

Wonder’s Boardwalk neighborhood was my go-to.

Boardwalk delivered exactly as it had promised: an open-air space grounded by wood-planked floors, a hot dog stand, a sweets store, and kitschy, colorful decor.

Icon of the Seas' Surfside , designed for families with young children, felt like its closest dupe.

Both neighborhoods had a carousel, an outdoor playground, and family-friendly dining. But Surfside was more toddler-friendly, as suggested by the children's water play area and nighttime story readings.

On to entertainment: Both mega-ships have ice skating performances and exciting multi-disciplinary shows at the AquaTheater.

But travelers who enjoy musicals at sea will want to stick to Icon.

Unlike its predecessor, the new ship shows a rendition of Broadway hit "The Wizard of Oz" — Munchkins, a puppet Toto, and a 16-piece live band included.

The layout of Icon's amenities were better than its cousin.

Some of Wonder of the Seas' enticing outdoor amenities — like the surf simulator, zipline, and mini-golf course — are clustered on the deck above and away from the pools and water slides.

This layout might be difficult for parents with children who bounce from one activity to the next. Wouldn't it be easier to have all of these outdoor extras near each other, or at least on the same deck, for parental supervision purposes?

This is where Icon of the Seas excelled: All its exciting open-air activities were adjacent.

The rows of pools flowed perfectly into Thrill Island's waterpark , rock climbing walls, mini-golf course, and Crown's Edge.

The best part? The adult-only Hideaway — which flexes an infinity pool club with a DJ — is right behind Thrill Island, creating a clear separation between parents and their children without being too far from each other.

'Free' options like the buffet and build-your-own tacos and burritos bar are available on both ships.

But you won't find the larger vessel's five-stall food hall or mini-golf-adjacent finger food stand on Wonder.

As expected, Icon of the Seas has more dining options than its predecessor, although there are some overlaps.

Wonder of the Seas has 11 bars and 21 dining venues (9 complimentary and 12 upcharged).

Icon of the Seas has eight more bars, four more complimentary restaurants, and three more specialty dining choices.

Nor will you find the new ship’s plush $200-a-person Empire Supper Club on any other cruise liner.

The multi-course dinner, paired with cocktails and live music, stunts the cost of either vessel's other dinner options.

But if you love Johnny Rockets, you’ll be disappointed by Icon of the Seas.

Restaurants like the popular burger chain and Southern comfort-inspired Mason Jar are only on Wonder of the Seas. Fine by me: My fried chicken at Mason Jar was as dry as a desert.

The younger ship doesn't have Wonder's robot bartender-armed bar either. It does, however, have new watering holes with dueling pianos and live jazz.

Surprisingly, Wonder of the Seas has 65 more cabins than its new cousin.

But several of Icon's 28 stateroom categories are a first for the cruise line.

This includes the new family infinite balcony cabin, which has a small bunk bed nook for children.

Royal Caribbean assigned me an ocean-view balcony stateroom on both ships.

My Wonder of the Seas' cabin was 20 square-feet smaller than the one on Icon. But my bathroom on the latter was so tiny, I accidentally elbowed the walls at almost every turn.

Sailing on the world's largest cruise ship doesn't mean you'll have the world's largest cabin after all.

Wonder and Icon are both operating seven-night roundtrip itineraries from Florida to the Caribbean.

In 2024, Wonder of the Seas is scheduled for year-round sailings from Port Canaveral to the Caribbean and Royal Caribbean's private island, Perfect Day at CocoCay , starting at $700 per person.

Icon of the Seas is spending its first year in service operating nearly identical itineraries but from Miami instead. The cheapest 2024 option is $1,786 per person.

That's a difference of more than $125 per person per day.

"Bookings and pricing for Icon of the Seas can only be described as 'iconic,'" Naftali Holtz, the CFO of Royal Caribbean Group, told analysts in February.

Icon of the Seas’ name speaks for itself.

If your family is looking for a jam-packed kid-friendly cruise with enough amenities to stay entertained for a week, both ships are a great option.

But if you're a seasoned mega-ship-cruiser looking to experience something new, Icon of the Seas is your best bet.

They may be similar, but no other behemoth cruise liner has a waterpark for children and a pool club for adults just dozens of feet from each other.

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