wandering eye relationship advice

20 Tips To Dealing With Your Partner’s Wandering Eyes

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It doesn’t feel good when your partner looks at other attractive people right in front of you.

This is what having a wandering eye basically means, but is it acceptable in a relationship? Could it even be considered cheating?

First of all, you are allowed to feel whatever it is that you’re feeling. You’re not crazy to want your partner to only have eyes for you.

That being said, wandering eyes sometimes simply represent the natural acknowledgment of beauty. Noticing that another person is attractive doesn’t necessarily mean that you intend to cheat on your partner with that or any other person.

So why does it feel like cheating then?

Is it cheating if your partner checks out other people while they’re with you? Well, much like flirting, it depends on what exactly happens and the intention behind it.

When your partner gazes at an attractive person for a second and then quickly looks away, it can be even flattering. They have noticed that the other person is attractive, but they don’t want you to think that they would be into them, so they avoid staring at them.

On the other hand, when your partner consciously checks out another person from head to toe and keeps gazing at them in front of you, knowing that it bothers you, they might not be cheating, but there’s something very wrong.

Does it bother you, and do they care? This question is much more important than whether or not wandering eyes can be considered cheating. While wandering eyes are definitely not a sign that your partner is being unfaithful—at least not without other signs to indicate the same—it’s definitely disrespectful if they know that it bothers you.

In other words, they might not be technically crossing the line, but if they are breaking your personal boundary, it’s just as important to address it. Here’s how:

Speak to a certified relationship counselor about this issue. Why? Because they have the training and experience to help you approach your partner’s wandering eyes in the most appropriate way. You may want to try speaking to someone via RelationshipHero.com for practical advice that is tailored to your exact circumstances.

1. Don’t let it harm your self-esteem.

Your partner’s eyes would probably wander even if they were in a relationship with a supermodel. So, don’t think that this has anything to do with how attractive you are, to them or to anyone else. Try not to let it harm your self-esteem.

Even if your partner simply notices that some people are especially attractive, the problem is that, by doing that in front of you, they force you to notice these people too. So, you compare yourself to them, and it’s perfectly normal to feel self-conscious and jealous when that happens. Your self-esteem could take a big hit because of all this, so remind yourself of all your positive qualities.

Your partner is looking at these people, but they are choosing to be with you. Obviously, they are attracted to you, otherwise they wouldn’t be with you. So, don’t assume that you’re less attractive than the people they look at.

If your partner’s behavior is still harming your self-esteem, you’ll need to let them know about it. And they should respect you enough to restrain themselves from staring at other people in your presence.

It’s not the same thing when someone catches your partner’s eye for a second and when their eyes linger. They can’t prevent the first one, but they can control the second one. So, if it’s harming your self-esteem, they should care enough to try to control themselves.

2. Consider whether it could be entirely innocent.

While you do have the right to feel whatever it is that you’re feeling, consider whether you’re being rational or if you’re letting your insecurities get the best of you. A single look could hold a lot of meaning, but it also doesn’t have to mean anything.

How does your partner look at these people? They might simply be noticing that others are attractive without even imagining being with them. Would you notice if someone of your preferred gender suddenly walked in looking like a movie star? There’s nothing wrong with that.

However, if you were with your partner at the moment, you would probably try to hide the fact that you might be attracted to someone else. You wouldn’t make it obvious or even flirt with this person. If your partner simply notices beautiful people, there’s no need to panic because it’s completely innocent.

Even flirting can be innocent. However, when they are openly doing these things in front of you, it might mean that they don’t respect you or aren’t afraid of losing you. That might be innocent in terms of cheating, but it’s definitely not innocent in terms of relationship problems.

3. Consider how long it lasts.

Does your partner look away quickly, or do their eyes linger? Do they look at the person long enough that they’re more than just appreciating their beauty? Are they noticing attractive people when they show up or searching for them across the room?

Does it end with gazing for a while, or do they approach the person and even flirt with them? Do they look once, or do they keep looking at the person every now and then as if they’re trying to make eye contact or are thinking about approaching them?

Considering how long it lasts also means that you should think about whether your partner has always been doing this. Or has it started only recently? Maybe they only had eyes for you before, but lately you’ve been having relationship problems, and their eyes have started searching for a new potential partner.

On the other hand, maybe they always had wandering eyes because they see nothing wrong with what they’re doing. As you can see, a lot depends on your exact circumstances, so try to think about everything and be as objective as possible.

4. Think about your definition of cheating.

Everyone is allowed to have their own definition of what is and isn’t cheating, but, in a relationship, you should agree on the same definition. This doesn’t always happen, and it can be difficult to draw the line.

For instance, flirting might be entirely innocent and even subconscious with no intention of letting it lead to anything more. On the other hand, your partner might flirt with someone with the intention to cheat. Even hugging, which is generally not even close to cheating, can be considered as betraying your partner if it’s a long, romantic hug.

The point is, while some things aren’t generally considered cheating, there are situations when they can be a sign of infidelity. At the very least, you can object to your partner doing them. So, consider your definition of cheating.

If you feel like your partner is betraying you by having wandering eyes, that’s okay, you have a right to feel that way. You are the one who decides what’s acceptable and what’s unacceptable in your relationship, but your partner has to understand it too.

5. Look for signs of infidelity.

Wandering eyes aren’t indicative of cheating unless there are more signs. So, if you are worried that your partner is being unfaithful or is thinking about cheating, look for signs of infidelity.

Do they hide their phone from you? Are they secretive about where they’ve been and who they’ve been with? Have you caught them lying to you about where they’ve been and who they’ve been with? Are they already having an emotional affair that you know about? Do they look at any attractive people or someone in particular? Answering these questions will help you find out whether they’re cheating on you or not.

If your partner doesn’t show any signs of infidelity other than wandering eyes, don’t exaggerate the problem. It might still be an issue and/or indicate other problems, but don’t worry about your partner being unfaithful if they have given you no other reason to doubt them.

On the other hand, if they are cheating on you, or thinking about it, you should be able to tell by more than just their wandering eyes.

6. Consider how you see it.

From your partner’s point of view, it’s possible that nothing really happened. They talked to you, they noticed a beautiful person walk by, they talked to you again, and then they went on with their life and forgot all about the beautiful person. They still remember you though, so, what’s the big deal?

It’s always best to consider things from different perspectives. What happened from your point of view? Your partner disrespected you by openly checking out another person of their preferred gender and made you feel bad about yourself. Is that what happened? You are free to have your version!

If you are not sure that you have the right to your version of what happened, consider how it would look from the outside. What would some stranger who was watching you think? They’d notice that you’re a couple and that your partner notices other attractive people. Perhaps they’d assume that your partner’s not entirely committed and loyal to you, or perhaps they wouldn’t think anything of it. How you see it matters.

7. Consider how often it happens.

Can you live with your partner’s wandering eyes? How often do they look at other people? Does it happen every time someone wears something revealing or do they only notice extremely beautiful people? Do they constantly check out other people, or do they only occasionally notice someone attractive? Considering how often it happens could help you decide whether you can live with it if it doesn’t stop.

Be aware that, occasionally, everyone notices other attractive people even if they’re in a happy, committed relationship. It’s human. However, most people will try to restrain themselves from doing this in front of their partner not to hurt them.

If your partner occasionally slips up and checks out someone, that might not be such a big issue. However, if you’ve told them how it makes you feel and they often do it regardless of that, they are not treating you properly.

8. Check if others have noticed it too.

Have other people also noticed that your partner has wandering eyes? Talk to your friends and ask them about it. It’s important that you see all of this objectively. For that, you’ll need other people’s input too. Feel free to also ask for their opinion on that. Try to use their insights to see things as objectively as possible.

Different people will see this issue differently and they would all agree that it comes down to whether you find it acceptable or not. Either is fine, but it’s important that you are okay.

Others might also help you determine whether your partner is cheating on you or not. They can help you realize if you’re exaggerating things. Maybe you are insecure, and you noticed your partner looking at someone else once or twice. You got it in your head that they’re unfaithful while they might not have given it any thought at all. That too is possible, so talk to your loved ones and let them help you figure out which one it is.

9. Decide on where the line is for you.

Setting boundaries is important in a healthy relationship. Have you told your partner that it bothers you when they look at other people? Maybe you know that it’s probably nothing to worry about, so you don’t want to bring it up. However, if it eats you up inside and you’re upset over it, don’t keep it in. What does commitment and being loyal mean to you?

If you are crazy about your partner and only have eyes for them, it’s natural to be bothered when they check out other people in your presence.  

The two of you need to agree on your definition of fidelity. Maybe your partner doesn’t consider it cheating if they think about being with someone else as long as they don’t do anything about it. Or, they think flirting is fine as long as you don’t sleep with the person.

Maybe they only consider sex as cheating, while kissing doesn’t matter that much. Anything is possible, so you need to talk to your partner about your definitions of fidelity and cheating if you haven’t done that already.

10. Tell them how it makes you feel without forbidding them anything.

Does this behavior bother you? Is your partner aware of it? This is the most important question. Don’t assume that they know if you haven’t told them. Don’t nag them about it or forbid them from doing it. Don’t accuse or criticize them. Simply talk about how it makes you feel.

Talk about your point of view and your feelings. Let them know that you understand that it’s natural to notice beautiful people but that it makes you feel ugly when they do it in front of you. There doesn’t have to be anything wrong with what they’re doing for it to hurt you and for them to avoid it because it upsets you.

At the very least, once you’ve had this conversation, you’ll know that they’re aware that it bothers you. Will they understand your point of view though? Will they care?

11. See if they understand your point of view and care about it.

Your partner might accuse you of being jealous and overreacting. They might not acknowledge the issue at all. They may not see anything wrong with what they’re doing.

In the end, they might not care about your point of view and your feelings. If this is the case, you have a bigger problem than their wandering eyes. They should at least hear you out and try to understand your point of view.

If you can’t communicate well with your partner, this will keep causing you problems or make problems harder to resolve.

It’s really not that difficult to understand your point of view, especially if you don’t really notice other attractive people yourself. While your partner’s behavior might be entirely innocent, they should be able to understand how it can seem disrespectful at the very least.

12. Find out whether they know it’s wrong.

Do they see something wrong with having wandering eyes? Maybe they’ve always been like this, and it’s a part of how they were raised. If this is the case, it might make sense why they can’t understand your point of view.

Maybe they consider this as normal behavior, and they might really think that you’re just overly jealous. Are they otherwise loyal and respectful? If so, you might have to learn to live with wandering eyes.

Consider your entire relationship before freaking out about your partner looking at someone else. If they otherwise treat you well, show you love and respect, and make you happy, and you know that they’re not cheating on you, maybe you can find a way to accept that looking at others is not such a big deal.

Maybe you could let it slide. In fact, maybe there really isn’t anything wrong with what they’re doing. On the other hand, if they are unfaithful or disrespectful, wandering eyes are just a small issue that indicates that.

13. See whether they’ll try to restrain themselves from doing it.

When your partner knows that something bothers you, they should try to restrain themselves from doing it, even if they don’t understand your point of view. So, see whether your partner will act differently after you’ve told them about how it makes you feel.

Maybe they’ll still notice a beautiful person, but now they’ll quickly look away when they do instead of checking the person out from head to toe. It’s not perfect, but it’s definitely something. It shows that your partner is trying to be considerate of your feelings and doesn’t want to hurt you. That’s a great sign!

If your partner doesn’t change their behavior and just keeps openly checking out other people in front of you, try talking to them again. Maybe they don’t understand that it’s hurting you or that there’s something wrong with it. It’s either that or there are other problems in your relationship. Your partner might not respect you, or they’re taking you for granted.

14. Consider whether there are underlying issues in your relationship.

Are there other problems in your relationship other than or related to wandering eyes? Maybe there’s something else that requires your focus much more than wandering eyes, especially if your partner only recently started looking at other attractive people. If the two of you have been unhappy in the relationship, your partner may be looking for a way out of it, even if unconsciously.

Don’t sweep your problems under the rug. Talk about them, and if you’re having trouble communicating efficiently, get the help of a therapist. If your partner is disrespectful toward you in general, that’s also something that you can work on during couples counseling.

15. Consider whether your partner respects you.

By now, you already know that your partner’s behavior can be interpreted as a sign of disrespect. So, is your partner otherwise respectful? Do they value your opinions and want to hear your thoughts? Do they turn to you for advice? Do they treat you properly? Do they respect your choices and boundaries?

Or, does your partner put you down and make you feel bad about yourself?

If your partner doesn’t respect you, it will be difficult to have a healthy relationship. Maybe they love you, but they also need to be respectful, and if they can’t do that, their love probably isn’t going to be enough to make things work between you.

Set healthy boundaries and demand respect from your partner. Speak up when they try to put you down or disrespect your boundaries.

16. Consider whether your partner takes you for granted.

Maybe your partner’s behavior isn’t disrespectful, but they act that way because they assume you’d never leave them no matter what they do.

It’s possible that your partner takes you for granted and thinks that they can do whatever they want because you’ll still love them. If you haven’t set boundaries from the beginning of the relationship, it might have been this way from the very start.

Does your partner think that they could never lose you? If so, you might want to remind them that it is definitely possible if they treat you badly. Make them realize that you are going to walk away if they push your boundaries.

Don’t let things slide all the time, learn to say “no,” stick to your boundaries, and don’t tolerate disrespect. Make them take you seriously.

17. Start acknowledging beautiful people.

You could start acknowledging beautiful people before they do. Mention that a person looks hot before they get the chance to notice them. Look at attractive people of your preferred gender just like they do. If there’s nothing wrong with what they’re doing, you’re allowed to do it too.

This may help you understand them better. Who knows, maybe you’d be fine with commenting on people together and checking out attractive people as they pass by. It doesn’t have to be a big deal. See what works best for you.

Try doing the same as your partner, and even beat them to it. If there’s nothing wrong with it, it won’t feel awkward when you join them. If they do feel awkward about it, it might make them stop doing it. But, hey, maybe you’d be fine with the whole thing!

18. Consider whether you could be okay with it.

Could you just accept that your partner has wandering eyes? If they’re otherwise loving, respectful, and loyal, that might not be such a big deal.

Even if they’re not, you might not care so much about them looking at other people, you just don’t want them to cheat on you. Are there any other signs of infidelity? If not, they’re not cheating on you, so let them look.

Does it still make you feel bad though? Trust your instincts and do what your heart tells you. If you can be okay with your partner checking out other people, accept them the way they are. If you can’t live with it and they’re not changing after you’ve talked to them several times, consider leaving the relationship.

19. Consider ending the relationship.

Wandering eyes aren’t something that you end a relationship over, but what if it’s just the tip of the iceberg? What if you’re generally unhappy with how your partner treats you, and they are unlikely to change? If that is so, consider ending the relationship.

You don’t have to wait for your partner to cheat on you to have a good enough reason to end things with them. If you can’t trust them, that’s a serious issue, even if they gave you no reason to doubt them. You can’t be with someone you can’t trust, even if it’s because of your own trust issues.

So, if you and your partner don’t want to try couples therapy to sort out your problems, consider going your separate ways. If you want someone who only has eyes for you, you can find that person. Not everyone has wandering eyes, and it’s okay not to find that acceptable.

20. Try couples therapy.

Whether this is the only problem in your relationship or there are more of them, a therapist can help. As long as you’re both willing to put in the work, your relationship stands a chance. So, don’t give up if you want to stay together. Talk to someone who can help you get back on track and resolve your issues.

You can talk to a therapist even without your partner. They can help you with the right advice for your specific situation. While this article can give you some clarity, tailored advice will differ depending on the specifics of your situation.

As you’ve already learned, there are many reasons why a person in a committed relationship might have wandering eyes. If this behavior is causing problems between you and your partner, you can work to find solutions. So talk to someone who will listen to your whole story and give you tailored advice.

Relationship Hero is a website where you can connect with a relationship counselor via phone, video, or instant message.

While you can try to work through this situation yourself or as a couple, it may be a bigger issue than self-help can fix. And if it is affecting your relationship and mental well-being, it is a significant thing that needs to be resolved.

Too many people – both couples and individuals – try to muddle through and do their best to solve problems that they never really get to grips with. If it’s at all possible in your circumstances, speaking to a relationship expert is 100% the best way forward.

Click here if you’d like to learn more about the service Relationship Hero provide and the process of getting started.

You’ve already taken the first step just by searching for and reading this article. The worst thing you can do right now is nothing. The best thing is to speak to an expert. The next best thing is to implement everything you’ve learned in this article by yourself. The choice is yours.

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About The Author

Ana Vakos enjoys writing about love and all the problems that come with it. Everyone has experiences with love, and everyone needs dating advice, so giving these topics more attention and spreading the word means a lot to her.

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How to Deal With a Partner Who Has Wandering Eyes

Jenni Jacobsen is a licensed social worker with a master's degree in social work from The Ohio State University, and she is in the process of completing her dissertation... Read more

In This Article

Dealing with a partner who has a wandering eye can be difficult. You may worry that they are not that interested in you or that they may leave the relationship for someone else.

There are ways to cope with men with roaming eyes, so you can determine if the relationship can be saved. It can also be helpful to understand this is a problem and when it is not.

Each situation is different, but in many cases, it may just be a natural reaction to beauty, and you and your partner should be able to understand the situation.

What does it mean to have a wandering eye?

Before you determine whether your partner’s roaming eye may be a problem, it is helpful to understand what is a wandering eye.

The number one indicator that someone has a roaming eye is that they can be seen checking out other people. Essentially, they will notice other attractive people and look their way.

Roaming eyes do not always have to occur in person. As such, people may also follow attractive people on social media.

Whether it occurs in person or on the Internet, a simple way to explain the wandering eye meaning is that it involves your partner noticing people who are physically attractive .

What causes a wandering eye in a relationship?

If you are dealing with such a person, you may be asking yourself what causes this behavior.

Having a wandering eye is simply a natural reaction to seeing attractive people. When it is only a quick glance in the direction of a particularly attractive person, a roaming eye can just signify a normal appreciation of beauty.

Psychologists have even spent time researching the underlying causes, and they have concluded that when something catches our attention as humans, we unintentionally look in its direction.

Simply put, we are easily distracted, and looking at an attractive person is a natural reaction to something distracting in the environment.

That being said, it is not always a problem. It can simply be your partner’s gut reaction to beauty and nothing more.

On the other hand, if your partner is openly ogling other people or going so far as to comment on their appearance or flirt with them, this case may be a red flag that signals deeper issues.

Signs your partner has a wandering eye

Now that you know what it means and what causes it, it can be helpful to know the signs of a roaming eye. Three signs to look for in your relationship include:

• On more than one occasion, you have caught your partner looking up and down at an attractive person in public.
• Your partner follows attractive people on social media, such as fitness models or women who pose in bikinis or skimpy clothing.
• Your partner may glance at a woman walking by but then return his attention to you.

Some of the above signs are a natural reaction to seeing someone attractive and may not signal a problem.

Some more obvious and hurtful signs your partner has a wandering eye are as follows:

• Your partner openly admires other people when with you and appears to look at them longingly.
• Your partner approaches attractive people and flirts with them in your presence.
• Your significant other appears to gaze intently at other people and makes comments about their appearance, such as how nice their bodies are.

Does having a wandering eye mean your partner is cheating?

Roaming eyes can be a source of concern in some relationships, and whether it signals cheating depends on the situation. As previously stated, it is often a natural reaction for people to glance in the direction of an attractive person.

You may even find that you tend to look in the direction of members of the same sex who happen to be beautiful. You are simply noticing and appreciating beauty, which is human nature.

When it is a quick glance and nothing more, it is probably nothing to worry about and likely does not mean your significant other is cheating. We cannot expect our partners to wear blinders and avoid acknowledging other people.

If your partner notices people of the opposite sex but quickly turns attention back to you, this behavior is usually totally acceptable.

On the other hand, there are cases where it can be indicative of a larger problem. In fact, people who view others as attractive are more likely to stray in their relationships. That being said, having a wandering eye is not the only indication that someone is at risk of cheating .

Other factors, including being dissatisfied with the relationship, are linked to cheating. Furthermore, the link between cheating and a roaming eye is seen among people who have difficulty looking away from attractive people.

What all of this means is that quick glances that occur in reaction to an attractive person do not typically mean your partner is cheating.

On the other hand, when a roaming eye becomes excessive, and it seems like your partner cannot help himself but continue to gawk, something more may be going on here, especially if he openly flirts with or talks about how hot other people are.

5 signs your partner’s wandering eye may be cheating

If you are worried your partner’s problem may mean that he is cheating, there are some telltale signs to be aware of that might confirm your suspicions. Here are five to consider:

1. Their habits with technology have changed

If your partner is suddenly hooked on the phone and seems to be scrolling through Facebook and responding to texts and emails at all hours, the roaming eye may have turned into cheating, and he is using the phone to connect with a person who caught his eye more than once.

2. Your partner is suddenly highly critical of you

If your partner seems to find something wrong with everything you do , it may be that the honeymoon stage of the relationship has passed, and they are too immature to handle your quirks.

Instead of working through this with you, they may have turned to someone else.

3. There has been a change in your sexual relationship

If a roaming eye has led your partner astray, you may find that your sexual relationship changes . In some cases, your partner may stop having sex with you because he feels guilty.

On the other hand, adding new habits to the bedroom could mean he has learned new tricks outside of the relationship.

While there can be other reasons for changes to your sex life, when these changes are sudden and are paired with a roaming eye and other signs of cheating, it can be cause for suspicion.

4. Emotional intimacy has shut down as well

Physical intimacy is not the only form of closeness needed in a successful relationship.

If you find that you and your partner are no longer communicating or connecting, or they seem to be distant and unwilling to have personal conversations or discussions about the future with you, the issue may have turned into an affair.

5. Your partner is changing their style or way of dressing

When your significant other has a roaming eye and has suddenly started dressing up or trying out a new style, they may have found a new mate who has caught their attention. Dramatic shifts in style can be a sign that they are trying to impress someone else.

If the situation has been excessive and they are displaying one or more of the above signs, it may be time to consider the possibility of cheating.

How to deal with a partner who has wandering eyes

Men with wandering eyes can be frustrating, but the answer to how to fix a wandering eye depends upon the situation. If it is harmless, you may not necessarily need to stop the situation but rather change the way you look at it.

For example, if your significant other occasionally glances in the direction of an attractive person but returns his attention to you and shows no signs of cheating, this may be an innocent, natural response.

Here are the ways for dealing with someone with a wandering eye when the situation is harmless:

1. Accept it for what it is

Recognize that acknowledging someone else as being attractive is normal and does not mean your partner doesn’t love or respect you . If it’s just a quick glance, it is part of human nature.

2. Have some confidence about it

Your gut reaction may be to feel that your partner does not find you attractive if they have the issue, but remember that they have chosen to be with you, out of all the beautiful people in the world.

While his natural reaction may be to glance in the direction of an attractive woman, they still choose to stay with you. Showing confidence in this fact will make you appear even more attractive to him.

3. Take time to recognize your own good qualities

We all want to be loved and desired by our partners, so when we catch them looking at someone else, it may make us feel less than. Try not to think this way, and instead, remember your own good qualities. It takes more than just physical attractiveness to have a successful relationship.

You and your partner have a connection that runs ways deeper than a momentary glance. You have built a life together and have interests in common, and your partner probably values your personality and the spiritual connection the two of you have.

Given all of this, a quick glance in someone else’s direction typically does not undermine all that your partner values about you.

In the video below, Andrea Crump talks about how the roaming eyes of a person can cause insecurities in their partner. She provides tips to handle it. Take a look:

4. Confront your partner

If you have considered the above, and your partner’s issue still makes you uncomfortable, it may be time to have a conversation.

For example, if your partner spends so much time checking out others when you two are together that you feel you do not have his attention, it may be time to have an honest conversation about the fact that it bothers you. Be careful not to be too harsh or critical.

You may start the conversation by saying, “You may not even notice that you are doing this, but when we are together, you sometimes spend so much time staring at other girls that I feel like you do not even notice me.”

5. Play along

Another way to fix a wandering eye is to play along with your partner.

For instance, if you see him looking another woman up and down, you may comment, “She has a great smile, doesn’t she?”

Maybe your partner didn’t even realize he was spending so much time noticeably admiring others, and this method will draw his attention to it so that he is more mindful of it in the future.

If your partner’s issue is making you uncomfortable and they continue to make no effort to change their behavior, there may be something more going on, especially if there are other red flags, such as emotional distance between the two of you.

It may be time to have a heartfelt conversation about the status of the relationship.

Perhaps your partner isn’t getting what they need from you, and instead of doing the right thing and addressing it, they are wondering what it might be like to be with someone else. In this case, it has become a bigger problem.

If you find that you have to nag your partner to stop staring at others, it may be time to seek professional intervention, such as couple’s therapy, to determine if there are underlying issues that can be resolved.

3 tips for how to fix a wandering eye

If it has become a big enough problem that it requires fixing to keep you happy in the relationship, there are some tips that can make the process easier for you. When having a conversation about your partner’s problem, consider the following advice:

1. Avoid making dramatic requests

You cannot expect your partner to never look at other people, and making huge requests, such as telling him he cannot be around other women, is likely to result in him tuning you out.

Instead, you might calmly state that you would prefer he not spend time openly ogling other people when you are together.

2. State your own feelings without being harsh or critical

Remember that sometimes, it is just a natural, innocent reaction to beauty. Instead of criticizing your partner by calling names or suggesting that they have selfish or malicious motives, use “I” statements and focus on how you feel.

3. Acknowledge that you know the behavior can be totally normal

Your partner’s defenses will be heightened if you have unreasonable expectations, so it can be helpful to begin the conversation by acknowledging that you know it is only natural for beautiful women to catch their attention.

This shows him that you are not asking him to go against his nature but rather to be more mindful of his behavior to not come across as disrespectful to you.

In a healthy, secure relationship, you should be able to have a heartfelt conversation about your partner’s problem if it has become a problem for you.

If the conversation doesn’t go well, it may be time to dive deeper into your relationship issues through additional conversation or professional intervention .

How to deal with such a partner can certainly depend upon the situation. We are all drawn to attractive people, and in many cases, it can just be human nature. When we see someone beautiful, we are inclined to look in their direction. Chances are, you may even have an innocent wandering eye yourself from time-to-time.

When your partner glances at others in public or on social media, it is probably nothing to worry about. The world is full of attractive people, and someone else’s beauty does not take away from your own.

If your partner remains committed to you, meets your needs, and seems happy with you, you can be confident in the fact that he has chosen you among all the beautiful people in the world.

Remember, it is a momentary acknowledgment of someone else’s attractiveness in many cases, but your partner spends many more moments with you.

On the other hand, if it becomes a problem, you may notice that your partner is openly ogling other women, commenting on their beauty, or even flirting while in a relationship.

If this is the case, an honest conversation about your feelings may resolve the issue. Perhaps your partner was unaware of the behavior or its effect on you. If it continues to be a problem, it could be signs of relationship trouble, especially if other red flags are involved.

You have every right to discuss this with your partner or to request couples counseling if you have ongoing troubles in your relationship.

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Jenni Jacobsen is a licensed social worker with a master's degree in social work from The Ohio State University, and she is in the process of completing her dissertation for a Doctorate of Philosophy in Psychology. She has worked in the social work field for 8 years and is currently a professor at Mount Read more Vernon Nazarene University. She writes website content about mental health, addiction, and fitness. Licensed as both a social worker through Ohio Board of Counselors, Social Workers, and Marriage/Family Therapists and school social worker through Ohio Department of Education as well as a personal trainer through American Council on Exercise. Read less

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How to Deal With a Partner Who Has Wandering Eyes

Sheri Stritof has written about marriage and relationships for 20+ years. She's the co-author of The Everything Great Marriage Book. 

Carly Snyder, MD is a reproductive and perinatal psychiatrist who combines traditional psychiatry with integrative medicine-based treatments.

Signs of a Wandering Eye

Differing viewpoints.

• Impact of Social Media
• Have You Crossed a Line?

How to Respond

When a person has a 'wandering eye,' it means looking and having sexual thoughts about people other than their current romantic partner. It may include behaviors such as overtly evaluating and appreciating someone's physical attractiveness or even outright flirting with people who are not their romantic partners.

When the issue of a partner's eyes wandering is discussed, there seem to be two general responses: Either the behavior is brushed off as nothing to be concerned about or feelings of hurt and disrespect ensue, which may harm the relationship .

Some even believe checking out people other than a committed partner is a sure sign of infidelity, or at least a form of micro-cheating . The true answer to whether or not this is OK lies with you, your needs, and your personal boundaries .

It is important to recognize that each person has differing definitions depending on their beliefs and boundaries. Some examples of behaviors that characterize a wandering eye include:

• Blatantly checking out another person
• Flirting with other people
• Having sexual fantasies about others
• Talking about sexual fantasies about other people
• Telling other people they are attractive
• Planning romantic or sexual encounters with people other than their partner
• Texting or DMing people other than their partner

The behaviors that characterize a wandering eye involve how a person thinks about or communicates with people other than their partner. If these thoughts or actions lead to romantic or sexual encounters, it would be defined as cheating .

According to  Gail Saltz, M.D ., a psychiatrist and expert on relationship matters, blatantly checking out, commenting on, repeatedly admiring, and flirting or touching someone else usually feels quite undermining to a partner.

For partners that are bothered by the behavior, having wandering eyes is often described as:

• A sign of disrespect
• Damaging to a relationship
• Insensitive behavior that shows a lack of caring
• One of the first signs of cheating and that a person is looking for another relationship

Dr. Saltz acknowledges that all humans have some measure of voyeurism and exhibitionism: we like to look and we like to show.

But unless both parties are confident of the others' affection and fidelity, an obvious and frequent wandering eye will generally stir up envy and hurt, making one feel unappreciated and even threatened in the relationship.

On the other hand, some people believe that having a wandering eye is perfectly normal behavior. People in this camp often don't worry about a quick glance, and some may not even be bothered by something more.

Those who feel this way often cite the following points:

• Looking at an attractive person is thought to be a natural physiological reaction.
• A person with wandering eyes just appreciates beauty.

Again, it's important to remember that you define what is normal and acceptable for yourself and your relationship. That said, a study published in the  Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that a consistent wandering eye probably signals a more significant issue in a relationship, which is worth considering.

Some evidence suggests that people prone to having a wandering eye are also more likely to engage in infidelity. One study found that people who found attractive people more attention-grabbing were more likely to eventually cheat on their partners.

Impact of Social Media and Technology

People don't just engage in 'wandering' behaviors in real-world encounters. They can also make their way into online interactions. In such settings, 'wandering' might involve:

• Flirting with another person, either in the comments section on their social media post or via direct message
• "Liking" another person's photos to communicate interest
• Flirtatious, romantic, or sexual texting with people who are not the person's partner
• Intentionally joining social sites in order to engage in flirtatious communication with others

Such behaviors can affect trust, communication, and intimacy in a relationship. According to one survey, around a quarter of people in relationships feel that technology has had a negative impact on their relationships.

Have You or Your Partner Crossed the Line

It isn't always easy to determine if you or your partner have crossed a boundary in your relationship. This is because it is normal to think that other people are attractive and doing so doesn't necessarily mean that you've broken trust with your partner.

In order to recognize whether you or your partner have a wandering eye, consider the following:

• How would your partner feel if they knew about your behaviors?
• How would it make you feel if your partner was doing the same thing?
• Have you ever discussed boundaries with your partner?
• Does your current behavior violate your partner's trust?
• Are you hiding your behavior from your partner?

If you feel like your partner would be hurt or upset and need to hide your actions from them, it is a good sign that your actions are crossing the line. 

If you are bothered by your partner's eyes wandering, Dr. Saltz suggests that you make it clear that although you don't expect them to wear blinders, you don't want them to ogle someone else.

If your partner really won't make any effort to change and doesn't appear to care how it makes you feel, it's likely that other issues may be affecting your relationship that couple's therapy could help examine.

Indeed, it seems that research agrees with this advice. The aforementioned study goes on to say that nagging your partner to stop looking likely won't address any underlying problems, either. Your relationship will require communication and a strategy to boost satisfaction and commitment.

Leading with jealousy and sweeping requests for your partner to change his or her behavior may lead them to tune you out. Instead, Dr. Saltz suggests the following:

• Accept that your partner's wandering eye is not a reflection of your own attractiveness.
• Don't try to "police" your partner's wandering eyes.
• If your partner's wandering eye creates a problem in your relationship, discuss the issue with them. Start with your own feelings, not with an accusation or criticism. 
• Suggest couple's therapy or attend therapy on your own if your requests are continually ignored.
• Try to casually acknowledge it first when a beautiful person comes into view.

A Word From Verywell

A wandering eye could very well be a natural, simple acknowledgment of attractive people—nothing more. Of course, that may not be the case all the time. Regardless, your feelings should be valid to your partner. If it bothers you and you have calmly expressed as such to your partner, he or she should be receptive to your concerns.

DeWall, CN, Maner, JK, Deckman, T, Rouby, DA. Forbidden fruit: inattention to attractive alternatives provokes implicit relationship reactance . J Pers Soc Psychol . 2011;100(4), 621–629. doi:10.1037/a0021749

McNulty JK, Meltzer AL, Makhanova A, Maner JK. Attentional and evaluative biases help people maintain relationships by avoiding infidelity .  J Pers Soc Psychol . 2018;115(1):76-95. doi:10.1037/pspi0000127

Pew Research Center. Couples, the internet, and social media .

American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. About marriage and family therapists .

Dewall CN, Maner JK, Deckman T, Rouby DA. Forbidden fruit: Inattention to attractive alternatives provokes implicit relationship reactance .  Journal of Personality and Social Psychology . 2011;100(4):621-629. doi:10.1037/a0021749

By Sheri Stritof Sheri Stritof has written about marriage and relationships for 20+ years. She's the co-author of The Everything Great Marriage Book. 

Partner Who Has Wandering Eyes: Understanding And Dealing With The Behavior

A partner with wandering eyes consistently looks at and has sexual thoughts about others outside the current relationship. It can be a red flag, indicating a lack of emotional commitment. Communication and setting boundaries may help address the issue, but it’s important to evaluate if it’s a deal breaker for the relationship.

Table of Contents

In a romantic relationship, it can be disheartening and hurtful when your partner constantly gazes at other people. This behavior, known as “wandering eyes,” can undermine the trust and connection between partners. Wandering eyes refer to the habit of visually admiring or checking out other individuals, even though one is in a committed relationship.

The impact of this behavior is significant, as it can lead to feelings of insecurity, jealousy, and even emotional distance in the relationship. It can make the non-gazing partner feel unimportant or unattractive, leading to a breakdown in trust and emotional intimacy. Understanding and dealing with this behavior is crucial for maintaining a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

• To fully grasp the concept of wandering eyes and its effects on relationships, it is essential to define what it means and how it differs from harmless appreciation. Choosing the right partner is crucial to understanding relationship dynamics.
• Recognizing the impact of wandering eyes on relationships is the first step in addressing this behavior. Exploring the qualities of lasting relationships can provide insights into building a strong foundation based on trust and respect.

Understanding and dealing with a partner who has wandering eyes requires open and honest communication, setting boundaries, and nurturing a deep emotional connection. By acknowledging and addressing this behavior, couples can work together to strengthen their bond and create a loving and secure partnership.

Emotional commitment is a crucial aspect of any relationship, as it allows both partners to feel secure, loved, and valued. When a partner consistently has wandering eyes, it suggests that their focus and attention may be divided between their current partner and potential romantic interests. This behavior can create feelings of insecurity and mistrust, as it demonstrates a lack of wholehearted dedication to the relationship.

While open communication and setting boundaries can be effective ways to approach this issue, it’s important to assess whether the lack of emotional commitment is a deal breaker. Every individual and relationship is unique, and what may be acceptable to one person may not be to another. Some people may be willing to work through this challenge and find a resolution, whereas others may find it difficult to maintain a healthy relationship without the assurance of complete emotional commitment. Ultimately, it is essential to prioritize one’s own emotional well-being and make a decision that aligns with one’s values and needs.

Signs and Causes of Wandering Eyes

When it comes to relationships, we all want to feel valued and cherished by our partners. However, there are times when we may notice signs of wandering eyes in our partner, which can leave us feeling hurt and insecure.

Some common signs of wandering eyes include frequently looking at others in a flirtatious manner, making their partner aware of attractive people they come across, or openly checking out other individuals while spending time together.

The causes behind this behavior can vary. It may be a result of human nature and the natural inclination to notice beautiful people. For some, it may be harmless fun and merely an acknowledgment of attractiveness. However, for others, it can stem from a lack of respect and emotional connection within the relationship.

Regardless of the cause, it is important to address this behavior in a respectful way. Open and honest communication can help establish boundaries and foster a healthier relationship. Remember, a wandering eye doesn’t necessarily indicate infidelity, but it is essential to have a conversation to ensure both partners feel secure and valued.

Effects on the Relationship

Having a partner with wandering eyes can have a negative impact on a relationship. The constant checking out of other people can lead to trust issues, jealousy, and emotional distance.

When someone’s partner is constantly looking at others, it can create a lack of trust. The person may start to question their partner’s loyalty and faithfulness, wondering if they are being compared to others or if they are truly desired. This can create insecurity and a fear of being replaced.

Jealousy can also arise when a partner feels threatened by their significant other’s wandering eyes. Seeing their partner openly checking out other attractive individuals can make them feel inadequate or not good enough. It can create feelings of resentment and a sense of competition that can be detrimental to the relationship.

Furthermore, the emotional distance between partners can widen as a result of wandering eyes. When one person is constantly visually distracted by others, it can make their partner feel neglected or unimportant. This can lead to a lack of emotional connection and intimacy, causing the relationship to suffer.

In conclusion, having a partner with wandering eyes can cause trust issues, jealousy, and emotional distance in a relationship. It is important for both partners to address and communicate their feelings in order to overcome these challenges and maintain a healthy and fulfilling connection.

Communication and Setting Boundaries

Open communication is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. It allows partners to express their thoughts, feelings, and needs, and creates a safe space for understanding and compromise. When it comes to setting boundaries, effective communication is crucial. By clearly expressing our limits and expectations, we ensure that our partners understand and respect our boundaries.

Setting boundaries can be challenging, but it is a necessary step in maintaining a healthy and balanced relationship. Start by having an open and honest conversation with your partner about your boundaries. Clearly define what behaviors are acceptable and what are not. Remember, setting boundaries is not about controlling your partner, but about creating a mutually respectful and fulfilling partnership.

If you notice your partner’s wandering eyes, address the issue through communication. Express your feelings and concerns in a non-confrontational manner. Listen to their perspective and try to find a middle ground. By addressing the behavior openly and honestly, you can strengthen your connection and build trust.

Communication and setting boundaries go hand in hand in fostering a healthy relationship. By openly discussing your needs and concerns, and by respecting each other’s limits, you can create a strong foundation built on trust and understanding.

Building Trust and Strengthening the Relationship

Trust is a crucial foundation for any successful relationship. When issues related to wandering eyes arise, trust can be tested. It is important to understand that wandering eyes behavior does not necessarily indicate a lack of love or commitment. However, it can lead to feelings of insecurity and doubt. Rebuilding trust in a relationship requires open and honest communication, empathy, and a willingness to address the underlying issues.

One strategy for strengthening the bond with a partner after issues with wandering eyes is to have a heartfelt conversation. Share your feelings and concerns without blaming or accusing. Create a safe space for your partner to express their perspective as well. This open communication can help both partners reach a deeper understanding and rebuild trust.

Setting clear boundaries is another important strategy for building trust after wandering eyes behavior. Discuss what is acceptable and what makes you uncomfortable. By establishing these boundaries together, you can create a sense of security and minimize misunderstandings. It is important to remember that each relationship is unique, and boundaries may vary. Respect and honor each other’s boundaries to strengthen the trust between you.

In conclusion, building trust and strengthening the relationship after issues with wandering eyes behavior requires open communication, empathy, and setting clear boundaries. By addressing the underlying issues and working together, you can rebuild trust and create a stronger bond with your partner. Trust is the foundation that allows love and connection to flourish.

Is wandering eye a red flag?

A wandering eye in a relationship can be considered a red flag, as it often indicates a lack of commitment or respect towards one’s partner. It is important to communicate boundaries and address any concerns to maintain trust and strengthen the relationship.

Is a wandering eye a deal breaker?

Having a wandering eye, where someone looks at others with romantic interest while in a committed relationship, can be a significant concern. It may indicate potential issues like trust or commitment. While it varies for each individual, open communication and trust-building exercises can support a healthier relationship.

Why does my husband keep looking at other woman?

Your husband may be looking at other women out of curiosity, habit, or simply because he appreciates beauty. It is important to communicate openly and honestly about your feelings and establish boundaries that both of you are comfortable with. Trust and mutual understanding are key in addressing this situation.

How to handle your man looking at other woman in a relationship?

If your partner frequently looks at other women, it can be helpful to communicate your feelings and concerns. Find a calm moment to have an open and honest conversation about boundaries and respect within the relationship. Seek mutual understanding and work together to find a resolution.

In conclusion, dealing with a partner who has wandering eyes can be a challenging and emotionally turbulent journey. We have explored the signs and causes of this behavior, as well as the negative impact it can have on a relationship. Communication and setting boundaries play a crucial role in addressing the issue and rebuilding trust. It is important to remember that wandering eyes are not always indicative of infidelity, but rather a natural human tendency. Through open and honest conversation, couples can work towards understanding and finding a balance that respects both partners’ needs and emotions.

While the road may not always be easy, with proper communication and a commitment to building trust, it is possible to overcome the challenges that a wandering eye brings. Remember, no relationship is without its obstacles, but it is how we navigate through them that truly defines the strength of our connection.

As we conclude this discussion on dealing with a partner who has wandering eyes, it is crucial to acknowledge the importance of self-reflection and growth. We must strive to understand our own emotions and triggers, as well as our own expectations in relationships. It is through this self-awareness that we can cultivate healthier and more fulfilling partnerships.

For more insights on maintaining healthy relationships, you can explore the topic of unrealistic expectations in relationships or learn about the concept of dependence in relationship . Remember, understanding and support are key elements in nurturing and strengthening any relationship.

Thank you for joining us on this journey, and we hope that the information provided has been meaningful and helpful. May your relationships be filled with trust, understanding, and mutual growth.

How To Stop Your Wandering Eye: Every Man’s Battle

QUESTION: What do you do if you find someone attractive—other than your spouse? What if you find that you have a wandering eye?

If you find someone attractive, your first line of defense is a proper mind-set, which is this: This attraction threatens everything I hold dear.

It may not appear threatening early in the attraction, when everything seems innocent. Remember, though, that attractions grow quickly and can destroy your marriage. Even if your marriage manages to survive, at the very least the lurking will weaken the foundation of your marriage and rob your wife of your full captivation.

Your second line of defense is to declare, I have no right to think these things . State this to yourself clearly, decisively, and often. You don’t even know this woman; who are you to be attracted to her? Didn’t your Master give you your wife?

T he third line of defense is to heighten your alert.What do you normally do when you feel threatened? You take off your jacket and breathe deeply. You ready yourself for what’s coming.

Suppose you’re a bouncer at a dance club, checking I.D.s and tickets, joking with the customers. One night, five men in black leather loudly roar up on motorcycle, looking surly and arrogant. Would you relax and back away from the door? Not on your life. Without hesitation, you’d step up to the door and stand erect, ready to confront the threat.

Consider the old Star Trek television series. What did Captain Kirk do when danger approached? He cried out: Red alert! Shields up!

With your mind-set transformed, you won’t let her near the corral. The attraction will begin to starve, and she’ll drift back toward the horizon. How can you make sure this will happen?

BOUNCE YOUR EYES.

You saw her passing your corral, and you were physically attracted to her. Starve this attraction by bouncing your eyes (which means to “build a reflex action by training your eyes to immediately bounce away from the sexual, like the jerk of your hand away from the hot stove”). Don’t dwell on her beauty by stealing glances. Do this with zeal.

Sometimes this isn’t possible, but do it when you can. If she works with you, and the two of you are assigned to the same project, don’t ask her to eat lunch with you or offer her a ride home. Avoid opportunities that create positive experiences with her until the attraction phase dies. If she asks you to do something with her, excuse yourself.

WHEN YOU’RE IN HER COMPANY, PLAY THE DWEEB.

Our hero, Dweebman, steps into a nearby public rest room. He emerges as the polyester-clad enemy of all things flirtatious and hip. Dull, mild-mannered Dweebman—pocket protector shielding his heart and hair slightly askew—wages his quiet, thankless war of boring interchange. Our once-threatening Amazon withdraws to undefended sectors. This leaves Dweebman victorious again in his never-ending good fight to stave off the hip and the impure in his galactic empire!

Okay, there’s not that much glory in playing the dweeb. There’ll be no comic-book deals no endorsement deals, no 20/20 interviews with Barbara Walters, but you’ll be a hero to your wife and kids.

A dweeb is the opposite of a player. In relationships, players send and receive social signals smoothly. Dweebs do not. When a player wants to send attraction signals, there are certain things he’ll do. He’ll flirt, banter, and smile with a knowing look. He’ll talk about hip things. In short, he’ll be cool. You were a player at one time, and knew how to feed attractions. You spent your whole adolescence learning how.

Social Suicide

As a married man, however, a little social suicide is very much in order. Always play the dweeb. Players flirt… learn to un-flirt. Players banter… learn to un-banter. If a woman smiles with a knowing look, learn to smile with a slightly confused look, to un-smile. If she talks about things that are hip, talk about things are un-hip to her, like your wife and kids. She’ll find you pleasant enough but rather bland and uninteresting. Perfect.

Sometimes a woman’s attractiveness to you will be mental rather than physical. This is common in work environments as you work with women on projects that interest you both. In business it’s common to spend more hours per day with female coworkers than with your wife. You talk with them about common goals and achieving success, while all you and your wife talk about are the kids’ discipline problems, who’s going to change the dirty diapers, and bills, bills, bills.

As with physically attractive women, you must understand that if your shields aren’t up, and if you don’t recognize the threat to your marriage, you’re flirting with danger.

To summarize:

If you’re attracted to a woman, it doesn’t mean you may never again have any sort of relationship or friendship with her. It only means you must enact your defense perimeters. Once you’ve starved the attractions and she’s a safe distance away, you can have a proper relationship, one that is honoring to your wife and to the Lord.

You can also visit the web site that goes along with this book, Everymansbattle.com . They have some great articles on this web site that could minister to your needs in tremendous ways.

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Filed under: Emotional & Physical Affair Sexual Issues

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60 responses to “ How To Stop Your Wandering Eye: Every Man’s Battle ”

Good Morning Everyone. My name is Ronelle and i am from South Africa. I have been going through a really turbulent two weeks. With my mum being sick and the whole atmosphere being so heavy at home. Prior to this have been a tough couple of years with the passing of my brother, my sister distancing herself from us, my dad leaving us and years later finding that he had ended up on the streets and just quite a bit of unfortunate things that have happened in our family life. there were often times where i would be so discouraged and say to my mum, “what more could God allow to happend to us” and my mum would say in almost a concerned tone for me not to say that, becuase it could be much worse, as many families lose so much each day. But these past two weeks have been so hard To the point of me actually considering giving up my Sunday School teaching in our local church. I just feel so depressed at times but so exhausted since i have two small kids to provide for as well and my mum who is in and out of depression herself. I joined the gym a while ago to help with the stress and refused the anti depressant medication. I also quite recently noticed my partner glancing at other women from time to time and although i know that it is normal, as most secular sites claim it to be, i wanted to know what Gods thoughts were on the issue and googled exactly that “What does God’s Word say about a wandering eye”. And this site came up. Thank God. The explanation of it all and how we really need to be accountable and take conscious action when we feel we are being tempted to do things that put our relationship in trouble. Thank you so much for this article. Something within my spirit refused to believe that we should just its a normal thing and that its normal if your husband has lustful thoughts as long as they dont touch. and that its crazy for the woman. wife to feel insecure and disrespected and should learn to accept it as part of life or move on.

I shared this with my partner and i was a bit nervous as to how he would repond. We are both born again believers. I thank God that he was open to listening to me read out the various points and afterward told me that he agrees with all that has been said. I told him that i do understand that for both of us it is normal to notice attractive people but to use these methods and train our minds and heart to submit under the authority of Christ and remember that He has blessed us with each other and we need to consciously work at driving out the worlds temptations. It was something that was adding to the things that worried me, but knowing that he acknowledges how it makes me feel and agrees with how we as a Godly couple should behave for God’s glory, each other and in the sight of our kids, just alleviated so much stress. I thank God for guiding me to your site. And i do know that just as He has delivered me from these fears and continues a good work in my life, He will heal and deliver my mum and family as well.

Thank you again for this article.

Lots of guys, including myself find ourselves glancing at other women. Fortunately I find my wife very attractive. I focus on her and those few special body parts & curves I really like. She wears yoga pants, plus she is almost 60!! When I pay attention to her, I notice others much less. So guys, pay attention to your wives, not others’ wives. Ladies, look good for your husband, make him notice you. throw away the house coat and jogging pants.

My fiancé of 19 years can learn from you. No matter how good I look or dress his eyes and mind still wonder on other women. Also he’s been divorced five times.

Maria, Could the “wandering eyes” on other women when he is pledged to marry you and the “five times” divorced situation give you a clue as to what might be facing you if you marry?

Wow! This gave me so much wisdom I need to stop having a wandering eye. I’m a married woman and even though this article is for men, it is right on point for women too. I will be a “dweeb”. I want to be faithful to God and my husband. Thank you.

I will agree wholeheartedly with 3 points in the article: YES learn to divert your eyes physically if you can’t trust yourself not to look with lust; YES avoid her when possible (and it isn’t always). When it’s not, have a coworker present. Leave your office door open. Don’t spend unnecessary time together, e.g., lunch, coffee after work. STAY FOCUSED on business.

“Playing the DWEEB” is about the stupidest idea I have ever heard. If she begins steering the conversation in an inappropriate direction, you can casually mention your wife/kids, etc. to remove any doubt about your being “off limits” (my best friend is the world’s best at this). If she still doesn’t get the hint, call her out on it directly, saying, “I’m sorry, but this conversation is inappropriate.”

But deliberately acting like a dork?!? That’s pathetic! Why would you want to act immature and juvenile? People will take notice of it and you will lose the respect of your co-workers and your boss. You will become a laughingstock. And rightly so. Be a man. Be mature. Be a professional and deal with it professionally.

Alan, I respectfully disagree w/second half of your comments. Particularly, “that’s pathetic” (Maybe so. But maybe not. You’re revealing a weakness in lack of understanding or empathy for those in such a forum as this. Your comment likely does more damage than good). Or maybe it’s not pathetic. Maybe it’s just the nature of being deeply in need. (People) In need of healing very deep emotional and mental wounds. Why deeply? I’m speaking of those who received abuse.

So, getting back to my point. Do you Alan, think victims of abuse can just flip a switch? What about those who were escaping life’s miseries by increasingly leaning on something to the point of obsession/addiction? Please consider these words. “Be mature, be a man”: this has a similar effect to the former. It’s bootstrap talk, which expects one to just flip-a-switch, to change not desirable behavior.

Perhaps, your recommendations are all thoughts and methods that you use. Perhaps you think they helped you. If you know someone in recovery, please avoid the putdowns and bootstrap talk. I hope you don’t badger them. Encourage their recovery. Best and blessings to you. Thank you.

Woman here. I’m having such a wandering eye these days. It’s so hard. I can’t seem to control it. I’m scared that I can’t be happy with my husband the rest of my life. I want other men. I pray daily for help. I feel no attraction for my husband anymore. I love him as a friend and companion and he’s a great person and a great father. I’m trying so hard to focus on all I do have. But this is making me depressed, to not feel desire for my husband. I could never hurt him though…..so I’m stuck in this sort of prison.

I completely understand his eyes looking at an attractive woman. But when the eyes go over, and over to the same places it becomes disrespectful to me. He keeps saying that he is very friendly, and likes to engage in conversation with man and woman alike. The flaw that I see with that thought is that if you are friendly, and want to engage in conversation, you don’t look to certain body parts to do so. I am frustrated, and not sure what to do.

I definitely like to interact and make aye contact with other women. I don’t know if that is flirting. I was fired from the same office my wife was working on because of that. I never felt I was and my wife didn’t know the reason why they let me go.

I really enjoy watching other women even if my wife is present. I don’t think that’s lack of respect either. She gets really upset and expresses her frustration; she also asked me to apologize at least, to what I normally reply that she should be the one to apologize because she looses her temper.

I don’t think I’m micro cheating, it’s just the way I am. My wife simply doesn’t understand. I don’t think I need help anyways.

Luis, I have to remind myself “eyes up”

The Danger of a Wandering Eye

A long-term study of newlyweds reveals the precursors of infidelity..

Posted May 14, 2018 | Reviewed by Jessica Schrader

Infidelity is a major cause of relationship breakdown, and so understanding why some people cheat is an important area of research.

Of course, none of us is immune to temptation. Committing to a long-term, exclusive relationship doesn’t close our minds to the alternative. A marriage vow enshrines our intention “to forsake all others,” but it can’t render all others unattractive.

Psychological research suggests that we manage our illicit desires by tearing our attentions away from appealing alternatives (“Out of sight, out of mind”), and by devaluing the allure of those who nevertheless catch our eye ("They aren’t all that”). Those who report greater commitment to their partners tend to deploy these so-called “evaluative biases” more effectively.

James McNulty and his colleagues at Florida State University, in a paper published recently in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology , wondered whether evaluative biases have any effect on real-world behavior. Reported feelings of commitment are one thing, but actual infidelity is another thing entirely.

Are people who are able to still their wandering eyes less likely to cheat?

McNulty’s team recruited around 500 newlyweds (most couples were male-female) for a long-term study. At the beginning of the study, all the volunteers visited the researchers’ lab. There they completed two tasks:

• The first was a test of the volunteers’ attention to romantic alternatives. The volunteers were shown a series of photographs of attractive and average-looking men and women on a computer screen. After each photograph disappeared from the screen, it was replaced by a square or a circle. The volunteers’ job was to click one button if the shape was a square and another if it was a circle. Sounds easy, right? However, the photograph wasn’t always in the same place on the screen —each one jumped to a new position. And the shapes that appeared after the photographs were sometimes in the same position as the photograph, and sometimes elsewhere. The idea behind the task was that volunteers who find it difficult to drag their attention away from a face will be slower to categorize a shape when it materializes elsewhere on the screen. An attractive face is more likely to "glue" your eyes in position.
• In the second task, the volunteers’ tendency to devalue the attractiveness of others was tested. The volunteers rated the attractiveness of the same men and women whose photographs they had seen in the first task. A control group of single volunteers also rated the photographs. On average, the newlyweds rated the photographs as less attractive than the singletons did, which confirms the results of previous research indicating that those in a committed relationship are more inclined to devalue the attractiveness of others. However, each volunteer varied in the extent to which they devalued attractiveness compared to the average singleton. Some thought the faces were relatively unattractive; others thought the faces were relatively attractive.

Over the next three years, the volunteers periodically completed surveys about their commitment to their marriage, and reported on infidelity by themselves and their spouses.

McNulty discovered that those who had found attractive others more attention-grabbing were more likely to have cheated on their partner by the end of the three years. In fact, he could be specific about it: Each increase in the speed of disengagement of one-tenth of a second (about the difference between gold and silver medal times in elite 100m sprint races) decreased the odds of infidelity by a massive 50 percent . I’ll say it again: If you can tear your eyes away from a hottie 100ms faster, you are half as likely to cheat on your partner in the next three years.

Of course, we can’t be sure that cheating is caused by a wandering eye. It is possible that people who are distracted by attractive alternatives also behave differently in other ways, or possess certain attitudes or values that directly influence infidelity. McNulty also found that cheaters were more likely to report lower relationship satisfaction and to have younger partners.

Those who reported infidelity were also less likely to devalue the attractiveness of alternatives: If you think other people are hot, you’re more likely to stray. In McNulty’s study, volunteers who rated attractive, opposite- sex persons an average of two points lower in attractiveness on a 1–10 scale were half as likely to have cheated.

So, a tendency to avoid looking at attractive others, and to view those who do attract attention as less appealing, does seem to be associated with faithfulness.

Further analyses revealed that people who rated others as more attractive tended to be less satisfied with their relationships by the end of the three years. Also, McNulty discovered that volunteers who found it more difficult to drag their attention away from attractive alternatives were more likely to have broken up. (After three years, around 12 percent of all the couples had gone their separate ways.)

Volunteers were also photographed at the beginning of the study, and their own photographs were rated for attractiveness by a group of independent volunteers. When a woman was low in others' perceived attractiveness, both she and her partner were more likely to cheat. The male partner’s attractiveness was unimportant.

McNulty, J. K., Meltzer, A. L., Makhanova, A., & Maner, J. K. (in press). Attentional and evaluative biases help people maintain relationships by avoiding infidelity. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. doi:10.1037/pspi0000127

Robert Burriss, Ph.D., is an evolutionary psychologist at Basel University in Switzerland. He produces The Psychology of Attractiveness Podcast.

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• Relationships

By Natalie Garcia

By Natalie Garcia • January 19

7 Insights on Wander Eyes

Key Takeaways:

• Defining 'Wander Eyes' in Relationships
• Psychological Roots and Impacts
• Strategies for Communication and Trust
• Managing Jealousy and Insecurity

Understanding 'Wander Eyes': A Brief Overview

The term 'Wander Eyes' is commonly used to describe a situation where a person in a relationship shows an apparent interest in others outside their partnership. This concept, although not clinically recognized, has become a topic of interest in understanding relationship dynamics. It's essential to distinguish 'Wander Eyes' from acts of infidelity; it refers more to a pattern of behavior than to specific actions.

In relationships, 'Wander Eyes' can manifest in various forms, ranging from harmless glances to more intense forms of attraction towards others. It's a phenomenon that both men and women can experience, and it doesn't necessarily indicate dissatisfaction with the current relationship. Understanding this behavior's nuances is crucial for individuals and couples navigating its complexities.

While 'Wander Eyes' is often viewed negatively, it's a relatively common occurrence in many relationships. The key lies in how individuals and couples handle these feelings. Acknowledgment and open communication can play vital roles in addressing the issue effectively. On the other hand, ignoring or mishandling 'Wander Eyes' can lead to feelings of betrayal, jealousy, and insecurity.

Therefore, a comprehensive understanding of 'Wander Eyes' is crucial for maintaining a healthy relationship. It involves recognizing the behavior, understanding its impact, and learning how to deal with it constructively. This guide aims to provide insights and strategies to help individuals and couples navigate the challenges associated with 'Wander Eyes'.

The Psychology Behind 'Wander Eyes'

The psychological underpinnings of 'Wander Eyes' are complex and multifaceted. At its core, this behavior can be seen as a natural response to human attraction. Evolutionary psychology suggests that humans are naturally inclined to notice and appreciate physical attractiveness in others, a trait that has played a role in our survival and reproduction.

However, in the context of a monogamous relationship, 'Wander Eyes' can reflect deeper emotional or psychological needs. For some, it may signify a desire for novelty or excitement that is lacking in their current relationship. For others, it can be a subconscious expression of unmet emotional needs or dissatisfaction.

Personality factors also play a significant role in 'Wander Eyes.' Individuals with a higher propensity for risk-taking or those who value novelty and variety may be more prone to exhibit 'Wander Eyes.' Conversely, individuals with strong commitment values and satisfaction in their relationship may exhibit it less frequently.

It's important to note that 'Wander Eyes' does not necessarily indicate a lack of love or commitment to one's partner. Many individuals who exhibit 'Wander Eyes' still express a strong desire to remain in their current relationship. This paradoxical situation can cause confusion and conflict both for the individual experiencing it and their partner.

'Wander Eyes' can also be influenced by societal and cultural factors. In some cultures, expressing interest in others outside of a relationship is more socially acceptable, whereas, in others, it is frowned upon. These cultural norms can affect how individuals perceive and deal with 'Wander Eyes' in their relationships.

Understanding these psychological aspects is crucial for anyone dealing with 'Wander Eyes' in their relationship. It provides a foundation for empathy, communication, and ultimately, resolution. The following sections will delve deeper into the signs, impacts, and strategies for managing 'Wander Eyes' in a relationship.

Signs Your Partner Might Have 'Wander Eyes'

Identifying 'Wander Eyes' in a relationship can be challenging, as the signs are often subtle and can vary from person to person. One common indicator is a noticeable shift in your partner's attention. This might be evident when they seem distracted during conversations, often glancing away or appearing preoccupied with others around you.

Another sign could be changes in your partner's behavior on social media. This includes an increased interest in interacting with others, especially new people, or spending excessive time browsing through profiles. While social media activity is normal, a distinct change in patterns might indicate 'Wander Eyes.'

Body language can also reveal a lot. A partner with 'Wander Eyes' may show less physical affection or might physically orient themselves towards others when in social settings. They might also have a heightened reaction to mentions or appearances of certain individuals.

Changes in conversation topics can be another clue. If your partner frequently talks about or praises someone else, or if they seem overly interested in someone else's life and achievements, it could be a sign of 'Wander Eyes.'

A decrease in openness and sharing can also be indicative. If your partner used to share thoughts and experiences with you but has become more reserved or secretive, particularly about interactions with others, it might be a sign of 'Wander Eyes.'

Lastly, trust your intuition. If you feel like something is off in your relationship, it's important to pay attention to that feeling. 'Wander Eyes' can sometimes be more about a partner's emotional distance than their physical actions.

Impact of 'Wander Eyes' on Relationships

The presence of 'Wander Eyes' can have a significant impact on relationships, affecting trust, emotional intimacy, and overall relationship satisfaction. One of the primary effects is the erosion of trust. When one partner notices the other exhibiting 'Wander Eyes,' it can lead to doubts about commitment and fidelity.

Emotionally, 'Wander Eyes' can create distance between partners. The partner on the receiving end may feel neglected, unappreciated, or insecure. These feelings can lead to a breakdown in communication, as the emotional gap widens.

Furthermore, 'Wander Eyes' can cause jealousy and insecurity. The partner perceiving these behaviors may start questioning their worth or comparing themselves to others, leading to a decrease in self-esteem and an increase in relationship anxiety.

However, it's important to note that 'Wander Eyes' doesn't always lead to negative outcomes. In some cases, recognizing and addressing these behaviors can lead to stronger communication and a deeper understanding between partners. The key lies in how the couple confronts and processes the issue.

Communicating About 'Wander Eyes' in Your Relationship

Effective communication is the cornerstone of addressing 'Wander Eyes' in a relationship. The first step is to create a safe and non-judgmental space for both partners to express their feelings. It's crucial to approach the conversation with empathy, understanding that 'Wander Eyes' can be a sensitive topic.

When discussing 'Wander Eyes,' it's important to use 'I' statements, such as "I feel" or "I noticed," instead of accusatory or confrontational language. This helps in expressing your feelings without blaming or shaming your partner, fostering a more constructive dialogue.

Listening is just as important as speaking. Allow your partner to share their perspective and feelings. This doesn't just involve hearing their words, but also understanding the emotions and thoughts behind them. Active listening demonstrates care and respect, which are vital for a healthy discussion.

Setting boundaries and expectations is a key part of the conversation. Discuss what behaviors are acceptable and what aren't, and how both partners can work together to ensure mutual comfort and trust. This might include setting limits on interactions with others or finding ways to include each other in social situations.

Finally, remember that communication about 'Wander Eyes' should be ongoing. It's not a one-time discussion but an evolving conversation as your relationship grows and changes. Regular check-ins can help ensure that both partners feel heard and valued.

Building Trust After 'Wander Eyes' Issues

Rebuilding trust after issues related to 'Wander Eyes' can be challenging, but it's an essential part of healing and strengthening the relationship. The process starts with a commitment from both partners to work on the relationship and a willingness to understand each other's feelings and perspectives.

Transparency is crucial in rebuilding trust. This involves open and honest communication about thoughts, feelings, and actions. It might mean sharing more about one's day-to-day interactions or being more open about social media usage.

Re-establishing trust also requires consistent and reliable behavior. Small actions, such as being on time, keeping promises, and showing regular affection, can significantly contribute to rebuilding trust. These actions demonstrate commitment and reliability, which are the foundations of trust.

It's important to be patient during this process. Trust is not rebuilt overnight; it requires time and consistent effort from both partners. Acknowledge and celebrate small progress, as it can motivate further growth in the relationship.

Couples may also benefit from seeking professional help, such as couples therapy, to navigate trust-building after 'Wander Eyes' issues. A therapist can provide a neutral perspective and guide the couple through effective communication strategies and trust-building exercises.

The Role of Self-Esteem in 'Wander Eyes'

Self-esteem plays a significant role in the dynamics of 'Wander Eyes' in relationships. Individuals with lower self-esteem may be more susceptible to experiencing or perceiving 'Wander Eyes' in their partner. This can stem from a deep-seated fear of not being enough, leading to increased sensitivity to their partner's interactions with others.

On the other side, individuals with 'Wander Eyes' may also struggle with self-esteem issues. They might seek validation or attention from others as a way to compensate for their insecurities. This behavior, while momentarily gratifying, often exacerbates underlying self-esteem problems.

It's important to understand that self-esteem influences how we perceive our partner's behavior. A person with low self-esteem might misinterpret innocent interactions as 'Wander Eyes,' fueling unnecessary jealousy and conflict in the relationship.

Improving self-esteem can therefore play a pivotal role in addressing 'Wander Eyes.' This involves both partners working on their individual self-worth, as well as supporting each other. Activities like positive affirmations, therapy, and open communication about insecurities can be beneficial.

When both partners have healthy self-esteem, they are more likely to feel secure in the relationship. This security reduces the likelihood of 'Wander Eyes' and helps in interpreting partner's actions more accurately and empathetically.

Ultimately, a relationship where both partners have strong self-esteem fosters an environment of trust, respect, and mutual understanding, which is essential in mitigating the effects or occurrence of 'Wander Eyes.'

Preventing 'Wander Eyes' in a Long-Term Relationship

Maintaining a long-term relationship requires continuous effort, and preventing 'Wander Eyes' is a part of that. It starts with nurturing the emotional connection between partners. Regularly engaging in meaningful conversations, sharing experiences, and showing genuine interest in each other's lives can strengthen the emotional bond.

Keeping the spark alive is also crucial. This can be achieved through regular date nights, surprise gestures, or exploring new activities together. Such efforts help in maintaining excitement and novelty in the relationship, reducing the allure of 'Wander Eyes.'

Setting clear boundaries and expectations is another preventive measure. Discussing what is and isn't acceptable in terms of interactions with others can provide clarity and prevent misunderstandings. It's important that these boundaries are mutually agreed upon and respected by both partners.

Lastly, self-reflection and personal growth are key. Encouraging each other to pursue individual interests and personal goals can lead to a more fulfilling relationship. When both partners are content and growing individually, the likelihood of 'Wander Eyes' diminishes significantly.

Professional Help for 'Wander Eyes': When to Seek It

Deciding to seek professional help for 'Wander Eyes' in a relationship is a significant and often necessary step. One key indicator that it's time to seek help is when the issue starts to cause persistent distress or conflict in the relationship. If conversations about 'Wander Eyes' lead to repeated arguments or unresolved feelings, professional guidance may be beneficial.

Another sign is the presence of underlying issues that contribute to 'Wander Eyes,' such as past trauma, attachment issues, or deep-seated insecurities. These complex psychological factors often require the expertise of a therapist to address effectively.

If 'Wander Eyes' is accompanied by a significant decline in relationship satisfaction or emotional connection, it's an indicator that professional help might be needed. A therapist can assist in rebuilding the emotional bond and addressing the root causes of dissatisfaction.

When efforts to communicate or resolve the issue on your own have been unsuccessful, seeking a therapist can provide a fresh perspective. They can offer new strategies and tools for communication, understanding, and resolving the issue.

In cases where 'Wander Eyes' has led to infidelity or breach of trust, couples therapy can be crucial for healing and rebuilding the relationship. The therapist can guide the couple through the process of rebuilding trust and addressing the factors that led to the breach.

Individual therapy can also be beneficial, particularly for the partner exhibiting 'Wander Eyes.' It can help in exploring personal reasons behind the behavior and developing healthier ways to fulfill emotional needs.

Ultimately, the decision to seek professional help should be based on the unique circumstances of the relationship. It's a sign of strength and commitment to the health of the relationship, not a sign of failure.

Overcoming Jealousy and Insecurity in Relation to 'Wander Eyes'

Jealousy and insecurity are common reactions to 'Wander Eyes' in a relationship. Overcoming these feelings starts with self-reflection. Understanding the root of your jealousy or insecurity can provide insight into how to address these feelings. Sometimes, they stem from past experiences or personal insecurities rather than the current situation.

Communication is key in addressing jealousy and insecurity. Expressing your feelings to your partner in a calm and honest manner can help them understand your perspective and work together to alleviate these feelings. It's important to avoid accusations and focus on how the behavior makes you feel.

Building self-esteem is crucial in overcoming jealousy and insecurity. Engaging in activities that make you feel good about yourself, seeking support from friends and family, and possibly working with a therapist can help in building a stronger sense of self-worth.

Lastly, trust in your partner and the relationship is essential. Reminding yourself of your partner's love and commitment can help in mitigating feelings of jealousy and insecurity. If trust has been damaged, working on rebuilding it together is a critical step.

FAQs on Dealing with 'Wander Eyes'

Q: Is 'Wander Eyes' a sign of a failing relationship? A: Not necessarily. 'Wander Eyes' can occur in any relationship and doesn't automatically indicate a lack of love or commitment. Understanding and addressing it is key to determining its impact on the relationship.

Q: How can I bring up my concerns about 'Wander Eyes' with my partner? A: Approach the conversation with calmness and empathy. Use 'I' statements to express your feelings and avoid accusations. Ensure it's a comfortable setting for an open and honest discussion.

Q: Can 'Wander Eyes' be completely eliminated in a relationship? A: Completely eliminating 'Wander Eyes' may not be realistic, as it's often a natural response. However, its impact can be managed through effective communication, trust, and understanding.

Q: Should I worry if my partner occasionally glances at others? A: Occasional glances don't necessarily indicate a serious issue. It's important to differentiate between normal human behavior and a pattern that hurts the relationship.

Q: How do I deal with my jealousy when my partner has 'Wander Eyes'? A: Focus on building your self-esteem, communicate your feelings to your partner, and work on building trust. Seeking professional help can also be beneficial.

Q: Is it helpful to set boundaries regarding 'Wander Eyes'? A: Yes, setting clear and mutually agreed-upon boundaries can help both partners understand and respect each other's comfort levels and expectations.

Personal Stories: Overcoming Challenges of 'Wander Eyes'

Case Study 1: Sarah and Tom, a couple in their mid-thirties, faced challenges when Tom's 'Wander Eyes' began impacting their relationship. Through open communication and couples therapy, they learned to address underlying issues and rebuild trust, leading to a stronger, more understanding relationship.

Case Study 2: Mark struggled with 'Wander Eyes' and its impact on his self-esteem. He sought individual therapy to understand his behavior's root causes. This journey of self-discovery helped him develop healthier ways to fulfill his emotional needs, benefiting both his personal and romantic life.

Case Study 3: Emily felt insecure and jealous due to her partner's 'Wander Eyes.' By focusing on building her self-worth and openly discussing her feelings with her partner, Emily was able to overcome her insecurities and strengthen her relationship.

Case Study 4: A couple decided to set clear boundaries around social media interactions to address 'Wander Eyes' issues. This mutual agreement helped them feel more secure and valued in their relationship.

Case Study 5: After experiencing 'Wander Eyes' issues, Linda and Alex attended a relationship workshop. The workshop provided them with tools for effective communication and understanding, enabling them to view their relationship from a fresh perspective.

Case Study 6: Jack's occasional 'Wander Eyes' behavior made his partner feel undervalued. By acknowledging his partner's feelings and actively working to show appreciation and affection, Jack helped restore balance and harmony in their relationship.

Creating a Healthy Relationship Environment Post-'Wander Eyes'

After addressing 'Wander Eyes' in a relationship, it's crucial to foster a healthy environment to prevent future issues. This starts with continuous open communication. Regularly discussing feelings, desires, and concerns helps maintain transparency and strengthens the emotional connection.

Re-establishing trust is a gradual process that requires consistent effort from both partners. Trust is built through reliability, understanding, and empathy. Celebrating small achievements in trust-building can be motivating and affirming for the relationship.

Engaging in joint activities that both partners enjoy can help rebuild intimacy and connection. Whether it's a shared hobby, exercise, or simply spending quality time together, these activities can reinforce the bond and provide positive experiences.

Setting and respecting boundaries is another key aspect. These boundaries should be clear, mutually agreed upon, and regularly reviewed to ensure they meet both partners' needs and comfort levels.

Encouraging personal growth and self-care is also important. When individuals feel fulfilled and confident in themselves, they bring a healthier self to the relationship, reducing the likelihood of issues like 'Wander Eyes.'

Lastly, maintaining a positive outlook towards the relationship and each other is essential. Focusing on strengths, expressing gratitude, and showing appreciation can create a supportive and loving environment post-'Wander Eyes.'

The Future of Relationships in the Context of 'Wander Eyes'

The concept of 'Wander Eyes' and its acceptance in relationships is evolving. As society becomes more open and understanding of human psychology and relationship dynamics, the stigma around 'Wander Eyes' is likely to decrease.

Future relationships may see 'Wander Eyes' as a natural, albeit manageable, aspect of human interaction. This perspective can lead to more open discussions and less guilt or shame associated with these feelings.

Technological advancements, especially in digital communication and social media, might influence how 'Wander Eyes' manifests and is addressed in relationships. It's possible that new forms of interaction will require couples to navigate and set boundaries in ways not previously considered.

Education and awareness about relationship dynamics, including 'Wander Eyes,' are becoming more prevalent. This increased awareness can lead to better understanding, communication strategies, and healthier ways of dealing with relationship challenges.

Ultimately, the future of relationships in the context of 'Wander Eyes' holds the potential for more empathy, understanding, and adaptability. As couples and individuals learn to navigate these challenges, relationships can become more resilient and fulfilling.

Recommended Resources

• The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples by John M. Gottman, W. W. Norton & Company, 2011
• Not 'Just Friends': Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Shirley P. Glass, Free Press, 2003
• Why Him? Why Her?: Finding Real Love By Understanding Your Personality Type by Helen Fisher, Henry Holt and Co., 2009
• Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence by Esther Perel, Harper, 2006
• The Normal Bar: The Surprising Secrets of Happy Couples by Chrisanna Northrup, Harmony, 2013
• trust issues
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• overcoming jealousy
• psychological insights

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Men with Wandering Eyes

Many couples face the problems caused by jealousy and let’s face it men who can’t stop checking out other women with their wandering eyes. It may have all started when you saw him looking at the hottie. And it went downhill from there. You may have made some jabbing accusations, started a yelling match, sulked or generally made your partner pay. You felt justified, righteous; worried and sure that your partner was in the wrong. What you really wanted was reassurance and love–the glorious unconditional kind. Sometimes you got it. Sometimes you didn’t. Sound familiar? Most of us have had a few incidents with the green-eyed monster called jealousy. And some of us have had more than a few fights with our partner when we saw him with those wandering eyes. We all know that jealousy can cause painful heartbreak, scads of worry, out-of-control outbursts and setbacks in a relationship. It can even destroy love. But is it possible that any good can ever come out of jealousy in an intimate relationship? The answer is YES! First, I want you watch this short vid. And if you want help dealing with jealousy and to learn how to Affair-Proof your couple, check out my relationship tips below.

Wandering Eyes: Ask Dr. Diana

The Cure for Wandering Eyes: Have an Affair with Your Partner

Cure for wandering eyes tip 1. ask yourself: what would i be doing or saying if right now if we were having an affair.

Then go for it!

What’s interesting about having an affair is that the partners are not automatically available to do the deed. The lingering touch, the sweet nibble on the ear, the deep French kiss may or may not go any farther. There is a playful novelty and uncertainty that drive up dopamine, the falling-in-love brain chemical that is synonymous with anticipation, excitement, and focus on the Beloved. Infatuation sizzles.

Cure for Wandering Eyes Tip 2. Make Physical Contact

Sex begins with physical contact. In fact, couples with great sex lives often are the ones you see holding hands and touching in public. As we’ve discussed, physical nonsexual contact creates oxytocin, the cuddle, bonding, and trust hormone. In order to amplify this even more, if he is receptive, hold hands, kiss, or stroke his face. His hands, lips, and face are all highly touch-sensitive areas! Gazing into his eyes also releases oxytocin and is an extremely powerful bonding move. For example, in one study, strangers shared intimate details about themselves and then stared into each other’s eye for four minutes. Many reported being extremely attracted to each other. One couple in the study actually got married! that’s how powerful gazing can be.

More Contact Sports

Trace the outline of his bicep with your finger or give him a mini massage on his neck and shoulders. Find out what kind of touch he enjoys: stronger, softer, or in between. You both will feel great as the oxytocin works its magic.

On the other hand, many men don’t like to be touched unless it’s on the playing field (why do they slap each other’s butts?) or in the sack. Yet they crave contact with us. And it’s often communicated in a strange way.

And be sure to read my article Four Ways to Turn Jealousy Around. It might just save your relationship.

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How To Handle A Partner With A Wandering Eye

We all want to feel secure in our relationships. To feel wanted and cherished. Trust is an important aspect to any romantic relationship, and a wandering eye can bring up feelings of insecurity and even suspicion.

When the issue of a partner’s wandering eye is brought into discussion, there appear to be two differing responses to this behaviour. It is either met with indifference, and viewed as a human response beyond one’s control. Other individuals, on the other hand, find it upsetting and disrespectful.

Before we dive into the best way to approach this issue with your partner, let’s explore whether it’s necessary to worry about this behaviour. According to a study published in the U.S. National Library of Medicine via elitedaily.com it only takes about 100 milliseconds of gazing for the average person to decide if someone is a potential sexual partner. With that in perspective, there’s a fine line between a harmless glance and blatant ogling.

If you are constantly catching your partner checking people out, that’s obviously the first sign that they might have wandering eyes. A study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology via verywellmind.com found that a consistent wandering eye may hint towards a deeper issue in a relationship. On the other side of the coin, take care to not blow something small out of proportion.

Here’s the thing; being in a committed relationship doesn’t render a person suddenly impervious to attractive people. We’re human beings who are innately drawn to beauty. We’re visual creatures. A quick glance at someone attractive is probably just an involuntary response. What matters is how fast your partner tears their gaze away. If they continue to stare and check this person out in your presence, that crosses the line from harmless to disrespectful.

If your partner is in the habit of ogling other people there’s nothing wrong with communicating your discomfort. It’s not only awkward for you to be subjected to that kind of behaviour, it could also be a blow to the ego.

You’re not expecting them to wear blinders, but asking your partner to be mindful of their wandering eye when you’re around is not unreasonable. Proper communication is paramount here – you don’t want to nag or lead with jealousy.

Contrastingly, many women take a different approach. Instead of showing that they are affected by this behaviour, they go along with it. Here’s an example – let’s say a woman catches her boyfriend eyeing a woman. Instead of turning a blind eye, she’ll speak up, point out the woman receiving her partner’s attention and say something along these lines: “Wow. She’s got insane legs, huh?”

This is an effective strategy for a few reasons. For one, you’re showing your confidence. You’re secure enough in yourself to recognize beauty within other women. That whole “she’s beautiful and so am I” mentality. This is a wildly attractive characteristic to men. It allows you to take control of the situation on your own terms and diffuse it without bringing attention to the issue. It also shows that you’re confident in your relationship. You know that an attractive stranger isn’t going to derail your entire relationship. There’s so more to chemistry than physical attraction. There’s emotional chemistry, spiritual chemistry. You know you hit all these points with your partner – you wouldn’t be in a relationship if you didn’t have that multi-faceted connection. Having that deep confidence in your relationship, having a solid foundation of trust? This makes a huge difference in the stability of a relationship.

A wandering eye can indeed point to a larger issue within a relationship – but it can also just be a simple acknowledgement of attractive people. They’re everywhere – we can’t escape them. Before anything else, look within. Feel good about who you are, and know that your partner was drawn to you for a plethora of reasons. Your partner’s momentary attention to an attractive person in no way diminishes their attraction to you.

By sitcadmin | March 25, 2019

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Relationships

The case for letting your partner’s eye wander.

Just ask Eve. There’s nothing so desirable as the one thing you’re not allowed to have. Which is why a new study suggests that if your partner’s got a wandering eye, you might be better off letting him (or her) enjoy it.

Research on romance has consistently shown that men and women who don’t notice attractive strangers tend to be more satisfied in their own relationships and are more likely to stay with their partners long term. Of course, that blindness has to come naturally. When a person is forced to divert his attention from that cute bartender — by, say, a jealous partner’s opprobrium — it could result in a sort of “backlash” effect, which may end up reducing his level of relationship commitment. ( More on Time.com: Does Your Partner Hold Grudges? Blame It on His Mother )

That’s the finding of a new study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, which tests the “forbidden fruit” hypothesis in a series of experiments on college students who were involved in romantic relationships. Write the researchers:

Just as people want jobs they cannot have, salaries they cannot earn, and cars they cannot afford, people may desire attractive alternatives more and desire their current relationship partner less when they are placed in situations that limit their ability to attend to attractive alternatives.

Certainly, if one partner makes it a habit to drool after attractive strangers while his or her spouse rages with jealousy, there’s probably a larger problem at hand. But the researchers found that the forbidden-fruit effect remained even in cases in which a person’s attention was subtly, unnoticeably restricted. “We proposed that limiting people’s attention to attractive alternatives would undermine positive relationship processes, even when the limitations on attention are posed outside people’s conscious awareness,” the authors write. ( More on Time.com: Real-Life Romeos Don’t Compare to Dream Lovers )

The first experiment involved a group of 42 undergraduate students (because, you know, who’s more committed than a 19-year-old college kid?), 25 of whom were women. Three-quarters said they were in committed relationships; the others were mostly casually dating, with a minority of married students. The participants sat before a computer looking at quick-flashing images of face pairs — one attractive, the other average. After the images flashed, one face was replaced with a target letter (E or F), which the participant was instructed to press on the keyboard as accurately and quickly as possible. The program was purposefully rigged to restrict some students’ attention from the more attractive faces, by having the target letter appear in the place of the average-looking face 80% of the time.

Following the computer exercise, all participants filled out questionnaires about their level of relationship commitment and satisfaction (including questions like “How dedicated are you to your relationship?”) and their attitudes toward infidelity (rating statements like “Being faithful to my romantic partner is important to me”). Researchers found that participants who had been unknowingly prevented from looking at attractive faces reported less relationship satisfaction and more positive attitudes toward infidelity than people who were allowed to peep at all faces equally.

A subsequent experiment used the same computer-attention task to show that people who were prevented from gazing at attractive members of the opposite sex were actually more likely to remember them. After having 36 undergrads complete the computer task and then a distraction task, researchers tested the participants’ ability to pick out previously seen attractive faces from a lineup. As the researchers predicted, those whose attention was forcibly diverted — and thus had spent less time looking at attractive faces — were better at recognizing them later on. The effect held for both men and women. ( More on Time.com: Texting Leads to Sex Sooner — and Easier Breakups Later )

Having shown that reining in a wandering eye leads people to devalue commitment and remember cute strangers better, in their final experiment the researchers wanted to see if the restriction would also make participants more vulnerable to attractive alternatives later on — at least in terms of attention. Indeed, testing a pool of 158 undergrads, of whom 42% were “dating casually” and 51% were in committed relationships, married or engaged, the researchers found that people whose attention was restricted in the computer task were measurably more engaged by attractive faces in a subsequent task, compared with people in the control group.

The current research has some obvious limitations itself: it involved college students in relatively new relationships; but commitment is known to strengthen over time. It also didn’t follow-up to see whether people’s changes in attitude toward commitment and fidelity led to actual cheating or relationship failure later.

As for the takeaway message here, it’s what you’ve known all along. A partner’s consistently wandering eye probably signals some larger problem that a slap on the wrist isn’t likely to address. The success of your relationship rests on a lot of hard work and constant communication. The authors write:

Being told simply not to look is probably not an effective strategy for boosting satisfaction and commitment or reducing interest in alternatives. To be sure, spending most of one’s time attending to attractive alternatives is not a boon to a good relationship. Probably the most effective solution involves working on enhancing relationship processes that naturally lead to decreased attention, such as focusing on positive aspects of one’s partner.

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Why I've Always Had A Wandering Eye In My Relationships — Until Now

Today, I'm fueled with an irrepressible desire to get a little ~personal~ because I'm a nasty woman who will express her nasty personal narrative in hopes that another nasty woman might relate.

The year 2016 has been the year of my identity crisis, the latest and greatest of which stems from me not wanting sleep with anyone but the person I'm dating.

This is a new feeling for me, babes.  

I've always had a bit of a wandering eye in relationships... at least if the relationship was healthy and the person wasn't emotionally abusive, codependent or argumentative.

If the relationship was dark and destructive, my eye didn't wander as much mostly because I was too weary from the incessant fighting and didn't have the energy to check someone else out.

But in healthy, happy relationships, I found myself so bored, it was painful. And bored, idle eyes lead to ugly, sinful thoughts.

Bored, idle eyes lead to ugly, sinful thoughts.

I accepted it as my twisted fate. I would either be bored to tears in a healthy relationship with a wandering eye, OR be stuck in a toxic relationship that sucks away at my soul.

For the record, the only person I've ever actually  cheated on was a skater boy who cheated on me in 11th grade. (He went down on this pixie, emo chick while he was rolling on ecstasy.)

It was a revenge cheat, and I don't even count it because a) I'm gay AF , so the relationship wasn't even real, and b) I was 16. You can't really hold a sexually confused teenager with an eating disorder accountable for much.

Anyway, growing up, I thought love meant chaos. I thought passion meant dramatic blow-outs where strangers stare at you in sheer horror as you engage in a screaming match with your lover in public. I thought you had to fight for love, and if love came easy, it wasn't love, man.

My mindset probably stems from my childhood, honestly. I was always a dramatic kid who was hyper-fascinated by the toxic, tempestuous couples throughout pop-culture history: Kurt and Courtney, Sid and Nancy, Bonnie and Clyde.

"That's love!"   I would think to myself as I watched "Sid and Nancy" for the 10th time. And sometimes, in acting class, I didn't know when the scene ended and where real life began, so I was always trying to artificially amp up my personal life.

It was unhealthy, I know, but I think a lot of us do this. I mean, how can you grow up in the denim-clad 90s and not have a warped perception of what love really is?

Now, as an adult, I realize this perception is directly connected to my lifelong habit of having a wandering eye. I've spent my life mistaking a healthy relationship with boredom, and projecting my fantasy of a tempestuous, real romance onto a stranger.

But earlier this year, my wandering eye centered itself .

It's sort of freaking me out. I don't know if it went to yoga when I was sleeping, but it suddenly feels grounded.  Healthy has become suddenly sexy to me. Clarity is something I fiercely crave, like carbs on my period.

Healthy has become suddenly sexy to me. Clarity is something I fiercely crave, like carbs on my period.

The weirdest thing I've learned is that nothing is about what you think it's about, kittens.

In my case, the wandering eye wasn't about me not being able to keep it in my pants or being perpetually sexually dissatisfied. I was just afraid of anything resembling stability because stability is scary.

And the fear of a stable relationship was really a fear of me showing up for myself.

See, when you have something to lose, like a healthy relationship with an awesome partner who listens to you rant but also knows how to make you come, you are faced with two choices: You can either step up to the plate or you can run.

And sometimes, it's easier to just run. Because healthy relationships force us to confront the painful aspect of ourselves — addiction, shitty self-esteem, our self-sabotaging ways or broken family dynamics — that we'd like to run away from. In healthy relationships, we're not distracted from all of that by chaos or the task rescuing someone (who often can't be rescued).

Healthy relationships remind us of what's real — and that isn't always pretty. And in some cases, we're not sure if we're capable of stepping up to the plate.

Healthy relationships remind us of what's real — and that isn't always pretty.

So my version of running away and avoiding the work I needed to do on myself was forever looking elsewhere, not at myself or my relationship.

My wandering eye was the perfect metaphor for my fear. Not my fear of committing to another person, but my fear of really committing to myself and to the things I want to achieve in my life. I thought, if I distracted myself for long enough, I wouldn't have to focus on my fears.

But now, I want to confront the things that freak me out. I'm tired of calling in sick to life when shit gets rough.

I'm ready to put on my big girl pants and look the future dead in the eye. I'm ready for something tangible.

After all, you can never really hold anything firmly when one eye is staring out the window.

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Is There A Cure For Your Boyfriend's Wandering Eye?

What to do when your man's eyes linger a little too long on other women ....

By Susie & Otto Collins — Written on May 22, 2013

Are you sick and tired of being out with your boyfriend and having to watch him watch other women the whole time? You've tried to ignore it. You've glared at him, pursed your lips and sighed dramatically. You've even tried talking to him about this disrespectful habit of his ... and he still does it!

His gaze lingers on the backside of your server when you're out to eat together. He stares at the woman walking down the street wearing a low cut top and when you angrily demand that he stop, he claims he can’t help it. "It's just what guys do!"

He might even accuse you of making it all up. According to him, he's only innocently looking around the room and doing nothing wrong—you're just being jealous .

When your partner has a wandering eye, it's upsetting. It feels like he's neglecting you or that he'd rather look at another (presumably more attractive) woman than focus on you. It can be a big trigger if you get jealous easily and it can definitely drive a wedge between you and your partner.

But what can you do about it?

Is this behavior something your man just can't help, as he protests? The attitude that men can't control themselves when they're turned on—whether by their partners or a complete stranger—has been around for a long time and it's just not true. While there are biological (including hormonal) differences between men and women, there is nothing inherent in a man that makes him incapable of making conscious decisions about his actions and where he focuses his attention.

Does this mean he's a jerk or a sleaze because he looks at other women? Not necessarily.

It is natural and normal for anyone—a man or a woman—to notice another person who is attractive. Just because your partner looks, it doesn't mean he (or she) wants to or is going to cheat . It also doesn't mean that your partner thinks you are ugly or lacking in some way. 

At the same time, there is a difference between admiring another person and gawking, leering or staring, especially staring at particular parts of the other person's body. When your guy seems to be looking at another woman, question what you think you see. Is he truly just looking or is he crossing a line?

Stop the excuses.

First and foremost, when your partner is looking "too long" or inappropriately at another woman, don't let excuses take over (from him or in your mind). Don't use this as a reason for you to feel worse about what you believe are your "ugly" features or unattractive body size. And don't accept your partner's (or your own) rationalization that he "can't help it" or is "just being a guy."

Be specific.

The more you focus on specifics and the less you launch into blame and accusations the better. Yes, do talk with your partner about his staring, but don't condemn him or assume to know what his intentions are. You don't.

Identify his observable behaviors that you believe compromise trust. Say something like, "Yesterday, when we were at the pool together and you watched a woman in a bikini for several minutes, I felt angry and ignored." Let him know exactly what you are talking about and steer clear of generalizations such as, "You always check out other women!"

Try to talk more about what you do want and less on what you don't. Follow up your observation of his specific behavior with, "I like it when I know you’re listening to me." or "I feel more connected with you when you make eye contact with me."

If he is confused about what constitutes looking "too long" or inappropriately at other women, create some agreements. Talk about your expectations and listen to his. Come up with some ground rules you both can be okay with.

Choose what's best for you.

If you've repeatedly told your partner how you feel and asked him to stop behaving in ways that damage trust and your connection and he still has a wandering eye, consider whether you will  stay in or leave the relationship.

Ending your marriage or love relationship can be a very difficult decision to make so take the time to make sure your choice is based on facts and on what’s in alignment with what’s most important to you.

Still not sure what to do about your man who looks "too long" at other women? Get help with your jealousy and this tricky situation in our " Wandering Eyes " audio. www.nomorejealousy.com/WanderingEyes .

More boyfriend advice from YourTango:

• Which Breed Is Your Boyfriend?
• How To Make Your Boyfriend WANT To Move In With You
• Dating: Tips & Expert Advice

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How to Recognize a ‘Wandering Eye’ in Relationships — and What to Do Next

If you’re in a relationship, looking at others in a sexual or romantic light is known as having a “wandering eye.”

Whether this is OK depends on your individual relationship’s boundaries.

What exactly do we mean by ‘wandering eye’?

Having a wandering eye could include blatantly checking out someone other than your partner(s) or flirting with them.

It could also include admiring someone’s physical beauty, commenting on them, or touching them.

Some people also use the term “wandering eye” to mean you simply find others attractive.

Is having a wandering eye the same thing as cheating?

Some people might define having a wandering eye as cheating.

It depends on your definition of having a wandering eye and your definition of cheating — some people believe flirting is cheating , while others don’t.

You might consider having a wandering eye to be the same as micro-cheating .

However, a wandering eye is usually about someone checking someone else out and flirting with them, but not necessarily engaging in a sexual or romantic relationship with them.

With that said, many people believe that these behaviors could lead to cheating later down the line.

What counts as ‘wandering’?

This depends on your personal definition.

For example, “wandering” might look like:

• flirting with someone other than your partner(s)
• telling someone that they’re sexy, attractive, or beautiful
• attempting to make plans to date or cheat with someone else
• blatantly checking out someone else
• talking about your sexual desires or fantasies with someone else
• fantasizing about someone or masturbating to the thought of them

Sometimes the issue is comparison-based. In a social setting, someone might give more attention to a friend instead of their partner(s). This might make their partner(s) feel like they’re second best.

Again, the above scenarios might be perfectly fine for some couples. For example, many people are totally fine with their partners fantasizing about another person.

In general, having a wandering eye refers more to words and thoughts than actions. Actions like having sex with someone else or dating them would usually be considered cheating , not just having a wandering eye.

Where does social media come into play?

In terms of social media, having a wandering eye might look like following someone for the purpose of checking them out, flirting with them (either openly in the comments or privately in the inbox), or “liking” their photos.

This might feel worse if it seems that the partner is paying more attention to their phone and social media than to them.

Some research shows that, although many people feel that technology has had a positive impact on their relationship, 25 percent of people in a marriage or partnership felt that their partner was distracted by their cell phone when they were together.

However, the boundaries really depend on your relationship. For example, many people might not mind their partner “liking” someone’s photos, but would mind them flirting with another person on social media.

In another example, some people don’t mind their partners flirting with or interacting with others on social media, as long as it’s not done in person.

How do you know if you’ve crossed a line?

Sometimes it’s difficult to know whether you’ve crossed a line.

Finding other people attractive is normal and not necessarily meant as a sign of disrespect. But where do you draw the line between finding people attractive and blatantly checking them out?

Ask yourself:

• Have my partner(s) and I talked about this boundary before? What did we conclude?
• If my partner(s) knew exactly what happened, how would they feel? Would they be OK with it?
• If I was in my partner’s situation and they were the one with the wandering eye, how would I feel?

In general, if you feel guilty about it and you think you’ve crossed a line, it’s probably a good idea to sit with that feeling and think about it. Consider talking to your partner(s) about it.

What should you do if you’ve crossed the line?

Moving forward after you’ve crossed a line can be difficult. It’s not always easy to figure out the next step to remedy the relationship .

Should you tell your partner? That depends on your relationship. Ask yourself the following:

• Have we discussed this before? Where do they stand?
• Am I telling them because they’d appreciate the honesty, or to soothe my own guilt?
• Will the lack of honesty have a negative effect on our relationship? What about my own mental health ?

Remember that no two couples are the same. There’s no answer that will work for every couple, because the way you move forward will depend on yourself, your partner(s), and your relationship.

What if you didn’t know there was a line to begin with?

It might be that you didn’t know that your actions were out of line. Without clearly defined boundaries and expectations, it can be difficult to know what’s OK and what isn’t.

It’s important to apologize, even if you didn’t mean to make your partner(s) feel bad. Emphasize that you’d like to set clearer boundaries so that you’re on the same page when it comes to interacting with others.

What if isn’t you, but your partner?

If a partner has a wandering eye, it’s important to remember that this isn’t a reflection of your value or attractiveness. With that said, it’s perfectly understandable if you do feel hurt or disrespected by their actions.

Talk with your partner. It’s ideal to do this when you’re both feeling OK (and not angry or annoyed).

Explain the issue clearly, detailing:

• exactly what they did or said that felt upsetting to you
• how it made you feel
• what boundary you feel they crossed

To broach the topic, you might want to use a line like, “When you flirt with other people, it makes me feel unloved/disrespected/hurt” or “I want you to know that I’m not OK with you checking out other people in public.”

From here, it’s important to set clear boundaries that you both agree on. You should both feel comfortable with those boundaries so that neither one of you feels disrespected or controlled by the other.

Is it possible to move past it?

If you feel disrespected by your partner’s wandering eye, or if they feel disrespected by yours, it can be difficult to move past it, especially if it’s a constant issue.

Agreeing on boundaries is a good start. Talk about what you’re not comfortable with as well as what you’re comfortable with. Discuss what you consider cheating. The definition varies from person to person!

For example, is it OK to give a friend a forehead kiss? Is it OK to “like” suggestive photos on Instagram? Is fantasizing about others OK?

It could also be helpful to take time to connect with one another. A wandering eye could point to deeper issues in a relationship.

For example, you might seek attention outside of the relationship if you’re not getting much from your partner. You could try scheduling sex , dates, or even a quick getaway for the two of you. Try a new hobby together, or embark on a new exercise routine as a couple.

It’s a good idea to revisit the conversation on boundaries from time to time.

If something changes your relationship — for example, if you become friends with an ex-partner — try re-evaluating your boundaries and checking in with one another.

If you’d like, you can try couples counseling . Here, the counselor will help you and your partner(s) work on the relationship together. Through counseling, you can work on improving communication, setting boundaries, building trust, and more.

The bottom line

Having a wandering eye might be considered cheating by some people. However, in order to have a healthy and happy relationship with your partner(s), it’s best to define your boundaries clearly.

This helps you each understand your expectations and navigate the relationship better.

Sian Ferguson is a freelance health and cannabis writer based in Cape Town, South Africa. She’s passionate about empowering readers to take care of their mental and physical health through science-based, empathetically delivered information.

Last medically reviewed on March 29, 2021

How we reviewed this article:

• About marriage and family therapists. (n.d.). https://www.aamft.org/About_AAMFT/About_Marriage_and_Family_Therapists.aspx
• Couples, the internet, and social media. (2014). https://www.pewresearch.org/internet/2014/02/20/couples-the-internet-and-social-media-2/

Our experts continually monitor the health and wellness space, and we update our articles when new information becomes available.

Current Version

Mar 29, 2021

Tess Catlett

Medically Reviewed By

Janet Brito, PhD, LCSW, CST

Copy Edited By

Nastassja Myer

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The wandering eyed husband....

By happywife81 , February 10, 2015 in Marriage and Relationship Advice

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Happywife81.

My husband and I have been married for 10 years, we have 3 kids and honestly I think we have a great marriage and life. We are intimate most nights of the week and both serve each other. I feel like my husband is attracted to me and me to him. I dress cute, wear make up, wear lingerie like once a week and have not let myself go or anything. We were married in the temple. I served a mission but my husband did not because he had issues with immorality. We have discussed very little about this because he has repented but maybe this causes me a little bit of a trust issue not knowing much about it and having unanswered questions I am afraid to bring up? Since we have been married he has served in many leadership callings, been a great dad, husband etc.

The last couple months I have had friends confide in me about their husbands porn/affair addictions etc. and it made me think about it more. Should I trust my good husband so much? I started to wonder and checked emails, histories, texts, etc. but really didn't find much. I also started to watch him and his eyes. I had done this a little in the past but I really started to watch his eyes...at church, in public, at the beach, etc. It has left me feeling worthless, unattractive, not enough, untrusting and just sick to my stomach. I feel like I don't trust him by the way i see him check other women out. He does it very secretively so I don't think anyone would really notice but it really has hurt me deeply. I noticed that he had looked at the same women 4+ times so I decided to talk to him about it and he became defensive about it and said it was nothing. I was making a big deal about nothing. He said it was normal to notice attractive women and that he wasn't lusting at all. I am just struggling to trust that he does not lust about her in his mind when he kept looking at her over and over again. He would turn his head as she would walk by. Is this wrong of me not to trust his thoughts? I try to sometimes bring it up so talk about it so I can find some kind of peace with this but he shuts down whenever I bring it up. I try to do it in a humble loving way so he will not feel defensive but he still acts that way. 

So how do I move past this and trust again?  How should I go about this in communicating with my husband about this. I still need to talk about it to find healing but he shuts down and that makes me think he is hiding things from me. Where to go from here? Should I let it go? Let him worry about his eyes and thoughts or should i try to talk to him about it and be open with my feelings? 

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• Created 9 yr
• Last Reply 9 yr

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February 10, 2015

Frankly, I'm appalled at your friends' behavior. What kind of woman reveals to her friends her husband's struggles with something like pornography?   This is a betrayal of the marriage covenant, and i

Ok, so I am hesitant to say too much here, but my ex husband was cheating (with 5 different women, and yes I found out by checking his phone, for the first time ever in 14 years), and I honestly never

estradling75

Lets talk about your husband's defensiveness...  You are basically accusing him of adultery (in his heart if no where else).  Now just image how hurt and defensive you would be if it was your husband

So... I have a very unconventional view of this.  I married a model who likes two things in equal measure - fashion (boy or girl) and football.  He goes to a football game and checks out the cheerleaders.  Or he would go to the mall and notice the fashionable and pretty women passing by.  He was my friend for 2 years before he asked me to marry him, so I had 2 years to figure this thing out... and what I concluded was - he looks at women the same way I look at house decorations at Open House (my favorite weekend activity - going on brand new Open Houses to drool over the staging décor).  He admires them.  He doesn't want to have sex with them.

TRUST is a very important part of marriage.  So, I made sure before I married him that I can put my entire TRUST on him.  And I do.  Completely.  So that, even if I chanced upon him having lunch with a pretty girl, I don't automatically think - ohh, he's cheating in his heart even if not actually cheating... that is just so hurtful to our marriage!  Instead, I think - must be a workmate, a friend, a new acquaintance he found something in common... and let it be.  Or, he is 2 hours late from coming home... I don't automatically think - ohh, he's cheating!  And go sneak on his phones and GPS and emails... that is very hurtful to the marriage!  Instead, I ask him - what took you long?  And he tells me all about it because he CAN TRUST that he can tell me anything and my love/respect will not change.

So, you're saying... but, but, but... what if he was REALLY cheating and he's just hiding it from me?  Okay, so I know my husband pretty well.  I know that he can watch football and ignore me for 3 hours.  But I also know he loves hanging out with me and our children - going to the movies, beach, mall, etc.  He likes talking about his work to me, talking about his calling, talking about sports, etc.  He has his things he likes to do in the house - his chores versus my chores.  He has his things he shows he's thinking about me - he can't pass by a shoe in the store he knows I will look good in and not take a picture to send it to me and ask me "You want it?"... he goes to Home Depot to get a weed wacker fixed and comes home with an orchid.  He takes the boys out on boys-quality-time where they do things they like to do that I don't care for (like camping and such).  And just the everyday things that makes me very comfortable in the marriage.

Because... if you're looking for suspicions - it will eat you up and make you suspicious of everything so that even very innocent stuff becomes tainted with suspicion.  And that will make him feel nervous and insecure about his place in the marriage.  And... that will make him CLAM UP and not tell you anything for fear you will take it wrong or be accused (regardless of whether he is guilty or innocent).  You may not verbally vocalize these suspicions but the non-verbal messages is very strong - that feeling of unease in the marriage and in the home.  Even little babies can feel it!  And that... is the straight road to marriage hell. 

So... what I do - I work on myself to get me closer to Christ as I can.  I don't expect my husband to be perfect.  If he has any weaknesses - say, I find out he has problems with lustful thoughts with women or something - then we can work on it together.  I can help him get over it and help him get closer to Christ.  That is my vow, my pledge, in our marriage covenant.  That I will help him in every way I know how to get him closer to Christ.  So that, he knows he can tell me anything, confide in me, ask for my help, bare his soul to me, and I will always be there by his side all the days of our lives.  And I can do the same for him.

If I'm in your shoes and I can't help but feel suspicious of everything (confidence issues) - I tell my husband... I HAVE A PROBLEM.  I need you to help me.  I don't feel secure in our marriage.  Instead of going - "Did you just look at that woman 500 times???" (accusatory instead of a problem that needs solving).

Because, at the end of the day - you should be a team and be on the same side.  This is not a problem with him on one side of the fence and you on the other side... fighting each other.  This should be a problem with both of you on one side of the fence and "the problem - trust issues" on the other side of the fence that both of you are working together to try to vanquish.

Hope this helps.

PolarVortex

From a man's perspective...

Certain behaviors are hardwired into the human brain.  One is movement.  Show me a computer screen with thousands of dots, and it will take me a long time to find one dot that has a different color from all the others.  But if you start jiggling the dot, my eye will find it in about one-tenth of a second.  That's why there's so much movement in advertising.

Similarly, human eyes are hardwired to notice certain things, and those things differ by gender.  If you're a woman and you want to understand what it's like to be a man, think about how you would notice babies as you go through your day.  If you see a baby on the street or in the grocery store your eyes are pulled directly to them and they are very, very interesting.  I have heard that women respond to images of babies the same way men respond to images of women.  The images are very interesting and your eyes are pulled toward them automatically before you even know what you are doing.

Obviously you can take this too far, and if your husband is leering and drooling then I'd say you have a problem.  But a simple wandering eye?  Par for the course.

And... if I may say this politely and constructively... if there are trust issues in your marriage, they might pertain more to the privacy of emails, texts, and browser histories.   

• NightSG and Litzy

Being married doesn't mean you can't admire the looks of someone from the opposite sex.  Being married doesn't automatically put blinders on you.  

• EarlJibbs and NightSG

I am a newlywed, so my opinion may not weigh much. But I do have quite a bit of experience in what is going on here. From the reverse side.

I am the type of guy who will go into a room and survey everything. I look at all the peoples, see who is in the room, male or female. I will look at everybody. If a girl speaks in class, I look at her, same with a guy. And if a person walks behind me or I see something out of the corner of my eye, I look to see what is going on.

At first, my wife was fine with these types of things. But after we got married her worries started to take the better of her. It got to the point where I would look up from our shopping cart at wal-mart, and the next thing I knew I was being accused of looking at some girl that I didnt even know was in my line of site. In fact, last night I was looking at soup cans, and I found myself being accused of looking at something (24 hours later I still have no idea what I was supposed to be looking at).

I also have been accused to wanting sexual things when I HAVE looked at a girl and admitted it. Allow me to explain what I mean - At wal-mart. I was looking at popcorn, a woman about my age comes and says excuse me, I turn and look at her to make sure I step aside to let her pass. The next thing I know I am being told I wanted this woman. - Then at a restaurant this girl - again my age - was cleaning around my table, I kept looking to make sure my chair was not in her way, and again, because I looked multiple times, I had to deal with a bit of anger from my wife. However, I do the same thing with men my age or not. And older women. And my wife pays no mind.

My wife IS DOING much better these days. Her anger is not as big as it was a few weeks ago. She is working very hard to change how worried she gets about things. Building trust in me as her husband. However, the reason why I point out these examples, is because the worry was not helping. In fact things got so bad that divorce became a very real option. I know you will probably never go as far as my wife has in the past. But accusations and worry really build nothing.

Wondering and worry and being safe is fine.Even healthy at times. We are born with ability to protect oursleves from emotional and physical harm. But when you worry so much it starts eating you - and it starts to eat the relationship. Dont let this consume you, it wont help.

However, if it is something that bothers you so deeply. A great place to open up is in the celestial room, pray about this, but you can also talk to your husband about things there. It helped my wife and I in recent weeks.

The biggest thing to build though - is trust. The biggest problems in my infant marriage has been caused because trust issues between my wife and I. I believe trust is something you have to continue building as well. It can be lost or built constantly.

happywife81....  Clearly your short post can't cover everything.  But you have given us nothing that justify a lack of trust in your husband.  You appear to have let your friends problems poison your heart about your healthy relationship.  Repent or you run the risk of destroy a good and happy marriage

• pkstpaul , PolarVortex and Vort

You should be comfortable discussing it with him without doing it in accusing manner or creating an argument. It doesn't me he won't be offended or take it wrong, but you have a right to raise the issue. If you marriage is strong, he'll adjust his behavior to be less conspicious about his wandering eyes.  I don't think you can get a man to not have wandering eyes, but you can ask him to not make you feel uncomfortable in certain circumstances.

• jerome1232 and Litzy

Or, as a friend of mine tells his wife, "Just because I'm on a diet doesn't mean I can't look at the menu."  (But I don't think comments like that are helpful to a solid marriage.)

• NightSG , pkstpaul and Litzy

Well, dear, you can't base your husband's fidelity on the experience of your friends and their husbands. Just because Susan's husband cheated doesn't mean yours is. Paranoia is unhealthy and destructive to a good marriage. If he repented of his no-mission problem, be done with it.

As for the wandering eye, there is a big difference between the aforementioned leering and drooling and a man noticing an attractive woman.

And for goodness's sake, stop going through his things.

• Jane_Doe , pkstpaul and NightSG

This. This this this!

I dont mind my wife looking through my things. But it does not help build us. She does this constantly.

I truly wish you the best OP. But I wanted to make sure I understood.  

Your husband had immorality issues before you got married. You were okay with that and were married. 

You don't have any complaints about him as a husband, father, lover...etc. He is faithful to you, to his callings, to his covenants. 

You hear that your friends husbands look at porn and Bam...Now, because of his past, you distrust your husband enough to dig through his things (because he had immorality issues prior to your marriage ) and find nothing alarming. You watch his every move and even track his eye movement to find something alarming. Since now you have finally nailed him, you confront him and now your distrust is worse than ever?

In no way am I saying that this isn't real to you. And I also understand that it is impossible for you to note down the complete story of your relationship. But from what I read, you wanted to find a problem so bad that you now have created one. 

• NightSG , Windseeker and Litzy

I missed the part about her checking in his things. Way wrong, unless you think he's a murderer or something. I learned from a story a friend told me when I was just a child. He talked about how his aunt would look for dust bunnies in his parents house and then complain about what a bad house keeper his mother was. His father's response - "people will only find what they are looking for." So true.

My thing is "never ask questions I don't want to know the answers to."

This. This this this!   I dont mind my wife looking through my things. But it does not help build us. She does this constantly.

I missed the part about her checking in his things. Way wrong, unless you think he's a murderer or something. I learned from a story a friend told me when I was just a child. He talked about how his aunt would look for dust bunnies in his parents house and then complain about what a bad house keeper his mother was. His father's response - "people will only find what they are looking for." So true.   My thing is "never ask questions I don't want to know the answers to."

Ohhh, yeah... My husband has no problem with me going through his things either but I don't unless I'm looking for something - like a receipt for this thing I need to return to Target (happened just now).

The thing is - if you FEEL the need to go through his things to do a "gotcha!", the problem is already present and no amount of didn't find a "gotcha" is going to solve the problem... and no amount of "See! I knew it! Gotcha!" is going to help you with your marriage.

notquiteperfect

If you're a woman and you want to understand what it's like to be a man, think about how you would notice babies as you go through your day. If you see a baby on the street or in the grocery store your eyes are pulled directly to them and they are very, very interesting.  I have heard that women respond to images of babies the same way men respond to images of women.   

Just needed to say that because I get really tired of being put in the same 'love babies' box and people perpetuating the idea that every woman belongs in it.

As for the op - you've gotten great feedback already.

Not all. Just needed to say that because I get really tired of being put in the same 'love babies' box and people perpetuating the idea that every woman belongs in it. As for the op - you've gotten great feedback already.

I always assume when a group is put in a box it is meant in a general sense not in an every-single-individual-in-this-group sense. Obviously some men don't enjoy looking at women at all, and just as obviously most men do. Just like, at least in my experience, most women *are* suckers for babies. I have weekdays off so I often end up running errands with my 18 month old, I, okay he, sure does get a lot of attention when he is with me. I expect some buck this trend.

Besides I'd rather be in a baby loving box than the boxes we men get put into. Most of them are not nearly as flattering.

As for the op, as a man I can vouch for the fact that we can look and not lust. I've caught myself many times, I can't vouch for wether my wife has ever noticed, she has never brought that to my attention. The fact that you had to look for it makes me believe his looking isn't the lusting kind, it's probably just the noticing something kind.

Not all. Just needed to say that because I get really tired of being put in the same 'love babies' box and people perpetuating the idea that every woman belongs in it.

Very well, not all.  But enough to keep my point valid, I think.

Noticing is one thing. Noticing repeatedly and with effort is another.

If when he has conversations with women they begin reminding him of where their eye's are, at the point I'd be very, very concerned. But nothing in the OP really strikes me as overt.

The name of this post sounds like a Harry Potter book. 

Harry Potter

The Wandering Eyed Husband

• Jane_Doe , Kayvex , PolarVortex and 1 other

Yes, it's valid.  Not only in the US, but also in Asia... and yes, of course, it's a broad brush generalization in the same way that men are broad brush generalized as liking sports and gays are broad brush generalized as having a good eye for fashion...

Guest MormonGator

It's the male nature to look at/admire beautiful women. It's biological. The sexual instinct, while powerful in women, isn't as driven by sight. Yes, that's a generality, but it's also why they have beer commercials with beautiful women and commercials with products geared towards women don't usually have male models in them. Yes, you can find exceptions (is anyone else tired of people going by the exceptions and not the rule? but it is generally correct. 

There is a big difference between a glance at an attractive female and making a big scene about it. 

I have very much appreciated the feedback given and much of it really has helped me put this in perspective. Today as I have pieced together my thoughts and feelings, I really think my lack of trust does not come from his experiences with immorality before we were married. When I met him he had repented and was clean and temple worthy and has been a worthy priesthood holder throughout our marriage. I have a few questions about the past but I liked how pkstpaul said  "never ask questions I don't want to know the answers to." and I do think knowing the who, what, where, when of his past would only be hurtful for me and would not benefit our marriage. I think what has started my lack of trust was nothing to do with my husband but more to do with the women in my ward openly talking about their husband porn addictions and a couple husband's had affairs. They have talked about having no idea and being caught off guard when they found out and this has cause me to become overly emotional and paranoid about porn/other women, etc especially because my friends are very beautiful women themselves. This is the foundation of the issue which has nothing to do with my husband and his choices and I know it is unfair of me but it does feel very threatening in the current world we live in and the statistics. I don't want to be always checking texts, histories, emails, etc and be that kind of wife. What kind of marriage is that, right?...but I was very happy when I didn't find anything. But this lack of trust did lead me to be more watchful of his eyes and has left me feeling very hurt. His defensiveness and closed attitude towards it especially when I bring up the women I saw him checking out many times has been hard to know what to do with. I am paranoid at church and am always thinking in my mind where he is and where she is. Always watching his eyes. I don't want to be this paranoid annoying wife so I am trying to bottle it up in my mind but I just want to have an open discussion with him but he shuts me out whenever I bring it up. I honestly am not worried about an affair but more just him checking her out and thinking about her in an inappropriate way. How do I let this go, find peace, openly communicate on this topic, and move on? As a women is it just something I need to learn to accept that my husband will look at other women? I am having a hard time understanding where the line is between sin and the temptation. Is the sin checking out other women or only acting on it? To me "noticing" an attractive person is done more in peripheral vision for a quick second and then turning away. I think the "looking upon someone to lust after them" is when you continue to look, turn your head and look for longer periods of time. Am this being controlling asking him to keep his eyes only towards me? How can I move past this? 

Frankly, I'm appalled at your friends' behavior. What kind of woman reveals to her friends her husband's struggles with something like pornography?

This is a betrayal of the marriage covenant, and in my opinion it shows what kind of people your friends are. You should ignore anything they say, and not give their concerns another passing thought. You and your husband are happy. Stay that way.

• eli.will , Litzy , kapikui and 7 others

The Folk Prophet

I have heard that women respond to images of babies the same way men respond to images of women.

• jerome1232 , EarlJibbs , PolarVortex and 2 others

Frankly, I'm appalled at your friends' behavior. What kind of woman reveals to her friends her husband's struggles with something like pornography?   This is a betrayal of the marriage covenant, and in my opinion it shows what kind of people your friends are. 

We have moved around a bit and have been in many wards in which I have always made close friends and something I have learned is that most women talk about their marriage struggles openly. Details about their husbands/ their sex life/ etc. This is not right but I do see it as being more common.  My husband says his friends NEVER talk about marriage or issues.... only sports, guns, etc:)

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