cruise ship jewelry royal caribbean

• Royal Caribbean International

jewelry stores onboard

By mtebor , April 29, 2017 in Royal Caribbean International

Recommended Posts

Was recently on Harmony and was wondering what Jewelry suppliers they use

Link to comment

Share on other sites.

The shops onboard are all run by these people

http://www.starboardcruise.com/

Also was wondering what do you think the quality. I was at a local jeweler today and showed him the ring I was looking at as he thought cruise line jewelry was lower end in terms of quality.

We have purchased on the cruises before and been happy with the quality. We have had issues with rings in port being sized to thin.

The ring I was quoted was about a lot more than local jeweler but he said it was a lot thicker and better quality.

what are your thoughts?

The shops onboard are all run by these people   http://www.starboardcruise.com/

thanks. unfortunately they only sell onboard

Please sign in to comment

You will be able to leave a comment after signing in

• Welcome to Cruise Critic
• ANNOUNCEMENT: Set Sail Beyond the Ordinary with Oceania Cruises
• ANNOUNCEMENT: The Widest View in the Whole Wide World
• New Cruisers
• Cruise Lines “A – O”
• Cruise Lines “P – Z”
• River Cruising
• Cruise Critic News & Features
• Digital Photography & Cruise Technology
• Special Interest Cruising
• Cruise Discussion Topics
• UK Cruising
• Australia & New Zealand Cruisers
• Canadian Cruisers
• North American Homeports
• Ports of Call
• Cruise Conversations

Announcements

• New to Cruise Critic? Join our Community!

Write Your Own Amazing Review !

Click this gorgeous photo by member SUPERstar777 to share your review!

Features & News

LauraS · Started 3 hours ago

LauraS · Started 8 hours ago

LauraS · Started 16 hours ago

LauraS · Started Monday at 09:36 PM

• Existing user? Sign in OR Create an Account
• Find Your Roll Call
• Meet & Mingle
• Community Help Center
• All Activity
• Member Photo Albums
• Meet & Mingle Photos
• Favorite Cruise Memories
• Cruise Food Photos
• Cruise Ship Photos
• Ports of Call Photos
• Towel Animal Photos
• Amazing, Funny & Totally Awesome Cruise Photos
• Write a Review
• Live Cruise Reports
• Member Cruise Reviews
• Create New...

Home » Jewelry

LUXURY JEWELRY BRANDS

We carry the following luxury jewelry brands in our St. Thomas stores. Please contact us to place an order.

FASHION JEWELRY BRANDS

We carry the following fashion jewelry brands in our St. Thomas stores. Please contact us to place an order.

Newsletter Signup

Subscribe to our newsletter and stay up to date!

• Name * First Last

Cruise Ship Shopping: Tips for Buying Gems and Jewelry

A cruise ship vacation offers a sea of buying options for diamond or colored gemstone jewelry. To get the best value for your memento, it pays to do some homework and know the risks of buying jewelry while on a cruise.

In this blog, we cover:

Cruise ship and port shopping: What to expect Start with a budget – and stick to it! Understand cruise ship or jewelry store return policies Read the back of the sales receipt before you buy If buying on credit, understand the terms Understand the full cost of your purchase, including duties Before the cruise ship sails: Learn about diamonds Before the cruise ship sails: Learn about colored gemstones Look for GIA-graded diamonds and GIA laboratory reports What to do once your cruise ship vacation is over

For many, cruise ship travel is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to visit exotic locales, celebrate a special occasion, or vacation with resort-style amenities in a safe and secure environment. The desire to purchase a memento of the trip, whether on board or in a port of call, is not uncommon. Jewelry is a popular choice. But if you are going to spend hundreds – or thousands – of dollars on a purchase to remember your once-in-a-lifetime experience, you need to do some research before your leave, be aware of possible pitfalls during the purchase process, and protect yourself and your purchase when you get home.

Cruise ship and port shopping: What to expect

Virtually everyone involved in your purchasing process, whether on the cruise ship or in port, will be working on commission. This includes the shopping consultant associated with the ship (but probably an employee of a group of stores), the manager of the store and the salespeople. Even the cruise ships get a commission.

Jewelry shops are up against stiff competition from the multitude of other stores close to the dock. As a result, pressure is very high to sell. Even if you start by indicating that you are just looking for a simple pair of earrings as a memento, there will be pressure to up-sell and move you to more expensive items.

Start with a budget and stick to it!

To protect yourself, determine – in advance – how much you are comfortably willing to spend on your vacation jewelry memento. Establish a budget, keep the budget to yourself, and walk away if the experience is not the pleasant one it should be. It’s easy to overspend in the excitement of the cruise. Remember: It’s your money and you control the transaction. Buy that perfect bauble on your terms.

These “Moonlight Sail” pearl earrings set in 14K white gold are perfect for the occasion, but is the price something that fits into your idea of a memento for this cruise? Photo: Orasa Weldon/GIA

Understand cruise ship or jewelry store return policies

In many of the smaller ports, most jewelry stores pop up only during the tourist season. So it’s important to find out what the return/replacement options are once the store closes at the end of the season. Too often, returns are nearly impossible.

Start with a nonnegotiable deal-breaker for all jewelry purchases: Anything you buy must come with a no-questions-asked, 60-day return policy – in writing. You may be offered a 30-day return policy. But it will often take you much longer than 30 days to gather the necessary information for the return, so make sure you don’t compromise on the time.

Read the back of the sales receipt before you buy

As part of your purchase, make sure you understand the terms of sale: the rights and obligations between you and the seller. You’ll probably find these on the back of the sales slip in small light print.

Don’t make the purchase if you don’t agree with the terms.  Often a shorter version is posted in the store (take a picture!). Here are examples of “terms and conditions” that are cause for concern:

• The diamond can only be returned if an independent laboratory finds its color grade to be at least two grades different from what is described by the store. This means you’ll need to arrange for someone to unset the diamond and submit the stone to a lab for grading. This will take some time – all at your cost.
• Returns are only acceptable with a new grading report issued by XYZ Lab. Some labs have stricter grading standards than others. If your diamond was graded by the retailer’s lab of choice, he might not want you submitting the stone to a lab with different (or stricter) grading standards.
• Appraisals must be done by appraisers authorized by our store. You should be able to have the stone appraised by any credentialed, independent appraiser, not just a few that the store has hand selected.
• “Buyer’s remorse” is not a valid reason for a return. These contracts often limit the reasons for a return. Read carefully and don’t accept these terms.
• It is not a valid reason to return of a piece of jewelry that was appraised at a lower value . Some contracts say that value difference is not a legitimate reason for return.

Any unreasonable limitation on your right to return an item should be a deal-breaker. Any requirement that demands considerable effort or money on your part should make you wary. Think clearly and unemotionally. Don’t be pressured into the “once-in-a-lifetime deal.”

If buying on credit, understand the terms

If you’re offered an in-store credit plan, examine the terms carefully. The plan may have return limitations that your credit card doesn’t have.  Also, check with your credit card company before you leave. Some credit cards provide protection against fraudulent (misrepresented) transactions as well as theft or loss of the item. Find out how much time you have to dispute a charge and the steps to do so when an item is purchased outside the country.

If you bought the item at a store thousands of miles from home, what are the chances you’ll be returning in the next few weeks? This is why you should only use a credit card that you know will allow you to dispute charges if necessary.

Understand the full cost of your purchase, including duties

Be wary of trade-offs. For example, you may avoid paying taxes on a ring purchased in a tax-free port. But the ring itself might be priced significantly higher than a comparable one at your local jeweler, negating your savings. Hold your ground if a salesperson is aggressively selling a product at too high of a price. Stick to your budget and don’t fall for the hard sell. You can always say “thank you,” walk away and make a purchase when you return home.

Purchases must be declared to customs when you disembark. For some purchases, you may need to pay duty, which can add significantly to the price of your jewelry.  Be sure to learn what your obligation will be before you buy.

This pendant with a round brilliant center diamond reminds us of a setting sun aboard a cruise ship. The center stone is surrounded by two rows of diamonds of varying sizes made in 18K white gold. Courtesy: evelynH. Jewelry Inc.

Before the cruise ship sails: Learn about diamonds

Prior to booking your dream cruise ship vacation, you probably spent time researching your options to find the travel package with the most value. The same logic holds true when buying diamond jewelry or colored gemstones while on a cruise ship or in port. Knowing the basics about gemstone quality and having a feel for prices can help you recognize a good deal when you see one, or an offer that’s just too good to be true.

Before you leave for your trip, take the time to learn about the famous 4Cs: Color , Clarity , Cut and Carat Weight . These are the factors that determine a diamond’s quality and value. A quality diamond with impressive 4Cs is rare. The rarer the diamond is, the greater its value will be.

If you shop for diamonds aboard ship or in port, you’ll probably look at several stones before deciding on your purchase. As you consider diamonds and prices, it’s essential that you make an apples-to-apples comparison. The diamonds should be virtually identical in weight and shape. They should have the same (or similar) color, clarity and cut grades, determined by the same grading laboratory. This way, you have objective markers of quality which will help you determine the best value.

Most diamonds will glitter and sparkle under the store’s spot lights. But if you want to be sure of a diamond’s beauty, it’s important that you view it under different lighting conditions. Look at the diamond under diffused lighting – fluorescent lights that bounce light off a white ceiling. Look at it again under a balanced combination of spot and diffused lighting. And finally, look at the diamond in natural daylight: directly under the sun, or under the dappled shade of a tree that breaks up the light as it reaches the diamond.

The crash of waves. Moonlight. Twinkling stars. Diamond stud earrings would be the perfect accessory on a romantic voyage. Maybe the jewelry store on your cruise ship has an alluring pair. Photo: Emily Lane/GIA. Courtesy: Faizah Bhatti

You also should know about diamond treatments , man-made (also referred to as synthetic or lab grown) diamonds   and diamond simulants . Diamond treatments are processes used to improve a diamond’s color or clarity. Lab grown diamonds are man-made diamonds, grown in a laboratory or factory. Diamond simulants are imitations that may look like diamonds but do not have the same chemical, physical and optical properties. Examples are cubic zirconia (CZ) and moissanite. Treated diamonds, man-made diamonds and diamond imitations typically cost considerably less than natural, untreated diamonds. So be sure you know what you’re paying for.

Sellers in the United States are legally obligated to disclose all diamond treatments and lab-grown diamonds, and to correctly identify all diamond simulants. Disclosure laws vary from country to country, and you should be aware of the laws governing jewelry sales on the cruise ship and in the countries you’re visiting before making a purchase. Regardless, insist that the salesperson confirm in writing that the diamonds are natural (not lab grown or simulants) and untreated. Your best bet is to insist the diamond come with an unbiased, independent grading report from a respected international laboratory, like GIA.

On the cruise ship you might find some colorful gemstones to delight your partner’s fancy, like these morganite and aquamarine rings set with melee diamonds. Courtesy: Frederic Sage

Before the cruise ship sails: Learn about colored gemstones

Shopping is one of the highlights of a pleasure cruise, and while you’re strolling through the ship or exploring in town, you’re likely to see enchanting colored gems calling at you from display cases. But how to pick an exceptional one? Color is the most important factor when choosing colored gemstones. The very best colors can be stunning, but they are also rare. As a result, differences in color usually have a profound impact on the price of the gem.

Clarity, carat weight and cut also affect the price of a colored gemstone. For example, emeralds typically contain inclusions visible to the naked eye. Eye-clean emeralds are especially valuable because they are so rare. Likewise, fine-quality rubies over 1 ct in weight are very rare, so the per-carat price is significantly higher for larger stones. A well-cut colored gem is going to be more beautiful – and more valuable – than one that is poorly cut.

A surface treatment with metallic oxides resulted in the unique look of this 3.95 ct ring marketed as Mystic topaz. The shank is decorated with 28 diamonds and set in 14K gold. Photo: Valerie Power/GIA. Courtesy: Livingstone Jewelry

Colored gems are also routinely treated to improve their appearance. For example, most emeralds are fractured filled (that is, oils or resins are introduced into surface-reaching fissures) to enhance their apparent clarity; in some cases, a green dye is used to improve the apparent color. Rubies may also be fracture filled. In some lower-quality material, the filling is so extensive the ruby will break with a minor knock. Many gems are heat treated and/or irradiated to bring out their most attractive color. Other gems that are routinely treated include jadeite , pearls , tanzanite, turquoise , topaz and sapphire . As with diamonds, though, treated colored gems are not as valuable as their untreated counterparts. However, they are good candidates for souvenirs and mementos. Just be sure you know what you are really buying.

The color of the sea, these turquoise sphere earrings accented with 0.68 carats of diamonds bring a sense of tranquility. Photo: Robert Weldon/GIA. Courtesy: Atelier Marisa

Man-made, also known as lab-grown or synthetic, colored stones have been in the marketplace for more than a hundred years. Today, lab-grown rubies, sapphires, emeralds, opals and amethysts – among many other colored gems – are common. Most man-made gems can only be conclusively identified by a trained professional, and some require the skills and equipment of an advanced gemological laboratory. There is nothing wrong with purchasing a man-made colored gem, but the fact that it is lab grown must be disclosed so you know what you’re buying. A man-made gem typically is much less expensive than a natural gem of similar color and clarity, so you should not pay a natural colored stone price for a synthetic stone.

Again, sellers in the United States are legally required to disclose whether a gem is treated or man- made, but this may not be the case on your cruise ship or in the country you’re visiting. As with diamonds, insist that the salesperson provide written confirmation that the gems in the jewelry you are buying are what he stated. If natural and not treated or lab grown, the statement should be clear. If they are treated, it is important to know the method used.

If you’re thinking of buying a colored gemstone, we suggest that you research the gems that most interest you. Learn about the qualities that create value for each gem and the treatments they might undergo to improve their appearance, as well as whether or not they have synthetic counterparts. You’ll find helpful buying guides for 26 of the world’s most popular gemstones in the GIA Gem Encyclopedia , along with a wealth of information about their sources, history and lore. In addition, check with local jewelers or online to get an idea of pricing. A little research can make you a savvier, safer shopper.

A rubellite tourmaline surrounded by diamonds would be a wonderful way to celebrate your eighth wedding anniversary (tourmaline is its official gem). Maybe you’ll see a similar ring on your cruise ship or in port. Photo: Emily Lane/GIA

The round brilliant cut is the most popular diamond shape and cut. It is prized for its ability to maximize brightness, fire and scintillation. Courtesy: 1stdibs.com

Look for GIA-graded diamonds and GIA laboratory reports

Buying a diamond or colored gemstone – whether it’s in an engagement ring or another piece of jewelry – is an emotional, symbolic purchase. It can also be an expensive one. In addition to arming yourself with knowledge before you shop, you can protect yourself from disappointment in other ways.

First, be wary of anyone trying to sell you on the merits of a diamond or other gem based on unspecific, subjective, flowery terms, like “superfine white” or “eye clean.”

Second, be wary of the term “certified” diamond or “certified” gemstone and ask to see the actual laboratory report. Many jewelers issue their own certificates, which are not independent assessments of quality or value. To make sure scientific evidence backs up the seller’s claims of quality, insist that the gem come with an independent and unbiased report from a well-respected international grading laboratory, like GIA.

Third, ask for a GIA diamond grading report before you buy any diamond. GIA not only developed the 4Cs, but it has also defined the grading terms and processes used to objectively determine diamond quality. A GIA report is your assurance that the diamond you’re purchasing is a natural diamond – not a synthetic or simulant. It will give you an assessment of the diamond’s 4Cs as well as its polish, symmetry and fluorescence . It will also have a plotting diagram of the diamond , in addition to disclosing any known treatments that may have been applied to alter the gem’s color or clarity.

Independent and unbiased, GIA reports put the power of science and information in your hands. That lets you make a smart diamond and colored gemstone purchase for a memorable occasion.

GIA also provides unbiased reports for colored gemstones and pearls. A GIA report identifies the gem material, states whether it is natural or synthetic, and discloses any detectable treatments. In addition to a photograph of the gem, the report contains details about its cut, shape, weight, measurements and color. It may also include an opinion on the geographic origin of the stone.

TIP: Use the GIA Retailer Look Up to find GIA-graded diamonds and gemstones, along with jewelers who carry them or have GIA-trained professionals on staff.

What to do once your cruise ship vacation is over

Now that you’re home, you’ll want to get the diamonds and other jewelry you purchased on your cruise or in port appraised and insured . An appraisal will tell you what they’re worth; getting the pieces insured will make sure you are reimbursed should they get lost or stolen.

To enjoy your new gems for years to come, be sure to give them the care they deserve. When storing your items, don’t place diamonds next to softer gems such as tanzanite or pearls. Even diamonds rubbing against diamonds can cause scratching. Separate your jewelry and check it periodically for damaged prongs or clasps.

You’ll want to keep this multicolored cultured pearl bracelet with fancy sapphire roundels looking its best after your cruise. Photo: Orasa Weldon/GIA. Gift of Jane Bohan

To keep your jewelry looking its best, you should clean it regularly, too. But be careful. Ultrasonic cleaners can damage some gems, such as opal, turquoise, tanzanite and pearls. Treated gems may also require special care. For example, fracture-filled emeralds should not be cleaned with steam or ultrasonic cleaners, as these methods may remove the filler used to enhance the stone’s apparent clarity. You will avoid a lot of heartache if you learn which methods are safe for your jewelry. In most cases, a soft brush and warm soapy water are all you need.

This 14K white gold pendant featuring a cushion cut tanzanite and 12 bezel set Paraíba tourmalines would be a colorful reminder of your ocean travels. Photo: Emily Lane/GIA

Congratulations! You’ve bought a keepsake: a ring, bracelet or necklace you love. You stuck to your budget, were careful about the contracts being offered, and studied value before you shopped. The appraisal confirmed your good judgment. You have the insurance and a safe place to store your new purchase, and you know how to care for it in the future. Now it’s time to kick back in your favorite chair and show off your cruise ship photos – and your sparkling memento.

Where are Diamonds Found? Spotlight on Botswana Diamonds

Where are Diamonds Found? Spotlight on Canadian Diamonds

Engagement Ring Guide: Best Ways to Save Money on a Diamond

New gia app.

GIA RETAILER LOOKUP

Gia report check.

GIA is a nonprofit 501(c)(3) organization. All rights reserved.

Use of this site signifies your agreement to its terms of use. © 2002 - 2016 Gemological Institute of America inc.

Famous Cruise Brand Royal Jewelry Brings Their Signature Gemstone Online

Travelers from around the world have waited more than a year to get back onboard their favorite cruise ships. They want to eat in the specialty restaurants, explore exotic ports of call and stroll through corridors lined with luxury shopping options. Every cruiser has a different aspect of the cruise vacation that they love most, and for many, it is impossible to recreate those experiences at home. However, there is one aspect of a cruise vacation you can enjoy from the comfort of your living room, and Royal Jewelry is making it better now than ever before. 

Every modern cruise ship has a selection of high-end shopping, from fine jewelry and watches to designer clothing and accessories. For some, the best part of a cruise vacation was perusing these many shops onboard and finding a unique gift for themselves or someone they love. Some brands, like the ultra-exclusive Russalite, aren’t found anywhere else in the world other than onboard cruise ships, which creates even higher demand with the pause in cruising. 

If you’re a frequent cruiser, you’ve most likely admired the jewelry collections curated by the team at Royal Jewelry and their online store  ShopRussalite.com . A highly-sought after brand on cruise ships for nearly 30 years, Royal Jewelry has helped countless cruisers find the perfect legacy piece; whether it be a diamond necklace, or Russalite ring and earrings set. Royal Jewelry  is a pioneer in luxury cruise shopping, and now, they are taking the industry by storm with their online collection. Their selection of precious gemstones like Russalite, found almost exclusively onboard ships, is now available online and shipped directly to your front door at a fraction of the cost. For those who like to support local business, all Royal Jewelry merchandise is manufactured and shipped directly to you from the United States.

What is Russalite? 

Our story starts deep in the heart of Siberia, a place where the wintertime temperature average is below zero. This is where one of the world’s most exclusive and sought-after gemstones can be found; Russalite. 

Russalite is relatively new when it comes to exotic gemstones with mines only operating since its discovery in 1988. Also known as Russian Chrome Diopside, the brilliant gemstone is green in its purest form and the stone is translucent and is versatile enough to appear in a number of different varieties of jewelry. Depending on the amount of Chromium found in the stone, the color can range from dark and vivid to a bright green that shines for all to see.

The danger of freezing temperatures and the extreme remote location make it impossible to mine the gemstone throughout the year. Instead, crews head to the mines in the summertime when the ground thaws and the subzero temperatures of winter are still months away. This means that the yearly supply of the stone is limited, adding to the allure and exclusiveness of owning a piece of its jewelry. There’s no doubt that when you purchase a piece of Russalite jewelry, you’re on a short list of people who did the same that year. 

Russalite looks incredible in a number of different jewelry styles and the pros at Royal Jewelry have curated an impressive collection cruisers will love. Whether you’re buying for yourself or someone special, the Royal Jewelry online store makes it easy to view and select your favorite pieces. The Shop Russalite online store makes it easy to browse the many collections for those looking for a very specific piece of jewelry. The website has the largest collection of Russalite jewelry available online, making it a one-stop shop for all your Russalite needs. The team at Royal Jewelry are happy to help you make a selection via their convenient online live chat, by phone or at the email listed on the  shoprussalite.com  website.

Caring for Russalite

Russalite jewelry  has the potential to last for decades in pristine condition. With a hardness rating between five and six, Russalite is on par with other exotic stones used in jewelry making. There’s no need to use any harsh chemicals when cleaning your stone. Simply use a mild dishwashing soap and some warm water and a soft-bristled brush to gently wash away any dirt or dust. Dry it off with a soft towel and your Russalite is as good as new!

Exclusive Deal for Porthole Readers

If you’re missing the cruise experience, Royal Jewelry is here to help. They’re offering an exclusive deal on their Russalite collection and it’s only for Porthole Readers! In addition to the 50% off sale currently going on at the Shop Russalite website , cruisers can take an additional 10% off at checkout using the code PORTHOLE10. That’s up to 60% off your favorite Russalite necklaces, rings, earrings and more. Even onboard ships you couldn’t find a deal that good. Shop Russalite ships direct from the manufacturer so they’re able to offer the lowest prices on high-end Russalite and the rest of their premier jewelry catalog. 

We’re all missing our favorite cruise vacation, but that doesn’t mean you can’t recreate some of your favorite cruise ship experiences from your own home. Enjoy even more discounts on your favorite cruise ship jewelry from one of the most trusted names in onboard shopping when you shop online with ShopRussalite.com . They’ve made buying high-end and exclusive jewelry like Russalite as easy as a few clicks and with the PORTHOLE10 discount, you can save even more than you would onboard the ship. 

If you’re interested in diamonds, rubies, sapphires or any other quality gemstone jewelry, you can also visit  www.royallegacyjewels.com to view the many other collections curated by the experts at Royal Jewelry.  

This post was sponsored by Royal Jewelry.

You may also like

Gemstones of the mexican riviera.

Discover the unique and native gemological finds (from Chiapas amber to fire opal and agate) found s

Monday Mantra Wine Not? The Virgin Islands offer great deals — and good cheer — in unexpected pl

A Magic Shop – One destination makes Gustavia a tropical paradise.

Monday Mantra St. Barts on a Budget … St. Barts on a Budget … St. Barts on a Budget … A Magic

Positive Polar: Cruising to Restore Ocean Wildlife and Climate

Recap the 2024 porthole party here, a centennial family cruise , norwegian cruise line unveils new culinary experiences aboard norwegian aqua.

Royal Caribbean International

Two year guarantee.

Starboard is proud to offer a Two Year Guarantee on your purchases of all Fine Jewelry.

Manufacturer’s defects reported within two years from the date of purchase and verified by our customer service department will be repaired at the company’s expense.

Fine jewelry repair requests must be accompanied by a legible copy of the original gift shop sales receipt.

Price Guarantee

We guarantee to match the price on any identical item. Simply obtain written proof from the authorized retailer and we will gladly match the price or refund the difference.

Price matches for reimbursement must be made in writing within 30 days from the date of purchase and include the advertisement information from the store, including the store phone number.

(Internet pricing excluded from Price Guarantee. Price match policy does not apply to Fine Jewelry items as these are not identical items. Quality, size, weight, design, etc. are unique to each piece and manufacturer.)

Sizing and Repair Information

Our Two Year Manufacturer’s Guarantee applies to the Repair of manufacturer’s defects reported within two years from the date of purchase of Fine Jewelry and Sizing of Fine Jewelry within two years from the date of purchase.

Sizing Information

A copy of the original Gift Shop Sales Receipt is required for all sizing requests. Not providing a sales receipt, complete customer information, or any other documents or information required with your request will delay processing until all information and documentation is received. Not providing required documents/information to process our request could result in the return of your item after 30 days.

Extra links for watches are not available. These must be requested by the customer directly to the watch manufacturer at customer’s expense.

All sizing must be performed through Starboard Cruise Services, Inc., Customer Service Department in order not to void the Repair warranty.

Please note that once your item is sized, it is altered to your specifications. If the item was sized through Starboard Cruise Services, Inc. Customer Service Department, our Repair warranty still applies for any Repair required within the 2 year period from the date of purchase. However, after the item is sized it is not subject for any Refund of the purchase as it has been altered to your specifications.

To expedite your ring sizing please print the  Customer Return for Repair Form . Send the completed form together with your ring in accordance with SHIPPING INSTRUCTIONS shown below.

• Allow approximately 8 – 10 weeks for standard sizing (non-inlay rings)
• Allow approximately 12 – 14 weeks for opal inlay, mother of pearl inlay rings
• Costume jewelry/Sterling silver /Titanium rings cannot be sized

Repair Information

A copy of the Sales Receipt is required for all repair requests. Not providing a sales receipt, complete customer information, or any other documents or information required with your request will delay processing until all information and documentation is received. Not providing required documents/information to process our request could result in the return of your item after 30 days.

All fine jewelry repairs must be performed through Starboard Cruise Services, Inc., Customer Service Department., otherwise the 2 year warranty is void. Fees incurred for repairs performed outside of the Customer Service Department process, will not be reimbursed. Guarantee does not apply to damages due to buyer’s negligence or abuse.

If a Fine Jewelry item becomes defective within the two year guarantee period, we offer a repair (free of charge). Watch service needs must be addressed directly to the manufacturer’s authorized service center, not Starboard Cruise Services.

If you are unsure whether a repair is covered by Starboard’s Two Year Guarantee, please contact our Customer Service Department, prior to sending the item. To expedite your repair please fill out and print the  Customer Return for Repair Form  Form. Send the completed return for repair form together with your item and a legible copy of your gift shop receipt in accordance with the SHIPPING INSTRUCTIONS below.

• Allow approximately 8 – 10 weeks for standard repairs (non-inlay items)
• Allow approximately 12 – 14 weeks for opal inlay, mother of pearl inlay items

Shipping Instructions

1. We recommend all packages valued at $50 or more be sent insured and with a tracking method. (Ex. UPS, FedEx, DHL, etc.)

2. Please be sure to enclose the following in your package:

• The completed  Customer Return for Repair Form .
• A legible copy of your Sales Receipt for the item(s) sent.
• If purchase was directly to your Credit Card in the Gift Shop, copy of your Cabin Statement is required.
• Copy of the Certificate of Authenticity received.

3. Retain a copy of all documents sent to us and the tracking number for future reference.

Send your return to:

Starboard Cruise Services Attn: Customer Service Dept. 9290 NW 112 Avenue, Suite 1 Miami, FL 33178

To verify status of receipt of your package, please check with your carrier by using your tracking number.

Refund / Return Information

Refund information.

Our Two Year Manufacturer’s Guarantee applies to the Repair of manufacturer’s defects reported within two years from the date of purchase of Fine Jewelry purchases and Sizing of Fine Jewelry within two years from the date of purchase.

After disembarkation returns for Refunds will not be issued due to “buyer’s remorse”, “regret” or other reason. Refunds will not be issued based upon outside appraisals due to their highly subjective nature.

Fine and designer watches may be exchanged or returned onboard the same sailing purchased, if in unused condition. After disembarking, watches are covered by the manufacturer’s international warranties and are not eligible for return.

(Internet pricing excluded from Price Guarantee. Price match policy does not apply to Fine Jewelry items as these are not identical items. Quality, size, weight, etc. are unique to each piece and manufacturer.)

Purchasing Additional Merchandise

Starboard Cruise Services, Inc. is the world’s largest and leading onboard retailer, offering cruise ship passengers world-class brands and exclusive merchandise with tax and duty free savings.

Starboard is not a land based retailer. For this reason, we are not able to sell you merchandise other than through our onboard stores and cannot exchange merchandise you purchased onboard for other merchandise after disembarkation from the cruise on which you made your purchase.

Any exchange of merchandise or purchases must be made in our onboard retail stores during your cruise.

Inch of Gold – Guarantee

INCH OF GOLD™ INCORPORATED Custom Made Chains & Fashion Jewelry Since 1982 Lifetime Guarantee

“Inch of” Gold, Silver, Crystals & Moods of Cats’ Eyes

Congratulations on your purchase of high quality fashion jewelry. “Inch of Gold” is layered with 18k gold and the “Inch of Silver” is layered with sterling silver. The gold or silver is electronically applied to jeweler’s metal by the use of the latest technology. Jeweler’s metal is a composition of brass with a small amount of nickel. Our exclusive protectant, Acryseal™, is applied to ensure long lasting wear ability.

To clean, just use a mild solution of soap and water.

We guarantee each chain to be repaired or replaced at no charge, with no time limit. Therefore we offer a FREE UNCONDITIONAL LIFETIME GUARANTEE.

Inch of Gold, Inc. maintains an after sales service department for your convenience. We recommend jewelry returns be insured for your protection. Please place in a padded envelope and include a copy of the sales receipt. Do not send original sales receipt as we do not return paperwork.

To have any Inch Of Gold chains (including Inch Of Silver & Cats Eyes chains) repaired or replaced, free of charge with no time limit, please send chains along with copies of receipt and guarantee to:

IOG Customer Service 3975 Investment Lane West Palm Beach, FL 33404 USA

E-Mail: [email protected] Phone: 561-842-3103 Toll Free: 1- 800-854-3434 Fax: 561-842-5572

Onboard Mail Orders

Onboard Mail Orders ship in approximately 12 weeks from the last day of the voyage.

To Inquire about the status of an Onboard Mail Order placed more than 12 weeks ago, print and complete the  STATUS REQUEST OF ONBOARD MAIL ORDER  form.

Email or Fax the completed form to: [email protected] or 786-845-1112

Frequently Asked Questions

A: Within 2 year of your purchase date, manufacturer’s defects report on purchases of Fine Jewelry items will be repaired at the company’s expense. Also, within 2 years of your purchase date, Fine Jewelry items will be sized free of charge. (Charge may apply to sizing greater than two sizes up from the original size of the ring.)

B: Within 2 year of your purchase date, manufacturer’s defects reported on purchases of Fine Jewelry items will be repaired at the company’s expense. Also, within 2 years of your purchase date, Fine Jewelry items will be sized free of charge. (Charge may apply to sizing greater than two sizes up from the original size of the ring.)

*Please note that the 2 year warranty will be voided if the merchandise was Repaired/Sized outside of Starboard and/or if it is damaged due to customer’s negligence or abuse.

A: A Price Match Refund may take 4 – 7 weeks for processing from the date your complete documentation is received in our Customer Service Department.

A: Inside the package, please include a completed  Customer Return for Repair Form , a copy of your sales receipt, warranty cards/original packaging and a copy of your cruise line cabin statement if the purchase was made directly to your credit card at the point of sale.

A: If you do not have a sales receipt you will need other proofs of purchase such as a combination of both Certificate of Authenticity and Cabin Statement. You may contact the Cruise Line for copies of sales receipts and/or cabin statements. If they have them available they will provide those to you.

*** Please note that if necessary documents are not provided with the return of your merchandise, we will not be able to process your request and the merchandise will be returned to you.

A: Please include the following information and send a request for the COA via email to  [email protected]  .

1. Full Name

2. Full Address

3. Copy of your Gift Shop purchase receipt which contains the Purchase Price/Date, Vessel Name, SKU No. and your name.

8400 NW 36th Street Suite 600 Doral, FL 33166

Tel: 786-845-7300

© 2023 STARBOARD CRUISE SERVICES All rights reserved.

Crying Myself to Sleep on the Biggest Cruise Ship Ever

Seven agonizing nights aboard the Icon of the Seas

Listen to this article

Listen to more stories on curio

Updated at 2:44 p.m. ET on April 6, 2024.

This article was featured in the One Story to Read Today newsletter. Sign up for it here .

MY FIRST GLIMPSE of Royal Caribbean’s Icon of the Seas, from the window of an approaching Miami cab, brings on a feeling of vertigo, nausea, amazement, and distress. I shut my eyes in defense, as my brain tells my optic nerve to try again.

The ship makes no sense, vertically or horizontally. It makes no sense on sea, or on land, or in outer space. It looks like a hodgepodge of domes and minarets, tubes and canopies, like Istanbul had it been designed by idiots. Vibrant, oversignifying colors are stacked upon other such colors, decks perched over still more decks; the only comfort is a row of lifeboats ringing its perimeter. There is no imposed order, no cogent thought, and, for those who do not harbor a totalitarian sense of gigantomania, no visual mercy. This is the biggest cruise ship ever built, and I have been tasked with witnessing its inaugural voyage.

Explore the May 2024 Issue

Check out more from this issue and find your next story to read.

“Author embarks on their first cruise-ship voyage” has been a staple of American essay writing for almost three decades, beginning with David Foster Wallace’s “A Supposedly Fun Thing I’ll Never Do Again,” which was first published in 1996 under the title “Shipping Out.” Since then, many admirable writers have widened and diversified the genre. Usually the essayist commissioned to take to the sea is in their first or second flush of youth and is ready to sharpen their wit against the hull of the offending vessel. I am 51, old and tired, having seen much of the world as a former travel journalist, and mostly what I do in both life and prose is shrug while muttering to my imaginary dachshund, “This too shall pass.” But the Icon of the Seas will not countenance a shrug. The Icon of the Seas is the Linda Loman of cruise ships, exclaiming that attention must be paid. And here I am in late January with my one piece of luggage and useless gray winter jacket and passport, zipping through the Port of Miami en route to the gangway that will separate me from the bulk of North America for more than seven days, ready to pay it in full.

The aforementioned gangway opens up directly onto a thriving mall (I will soon learn it is imperiously called the “Royal Promenade”), presently filled with yapping passengers beneath a ceiling studded with balloons ready to drop. Crew members from every part of the global South, as well as a few Balkans, are shepherding us along while pressing flutes of champagne into our hands. By a humming Starbucks, I drink as many of these as I can and prepare to find my cabin. I show my blue Suite Sky SeaPass Card (more on this later, much more) to a smiling woman from the Philippines, and she tells me to go “aft.” Which is where, now? As someone who has rarely sailed on a vessel grander than the Staten Island Ferry, I am confused. It turns out that the aft is the stern of the ship, or, for those of us who don’t know what a stern or an aft are, its ass. The nose of the ship, responsible for separating the waves before it, is also called a bow, and is marked for passengers as the FWD , or forward. The part of the contemporary sailing vessel where the malls are clustered is called the midship. I trust that you have enjoyed this nautical lesson.

I ascend via elevator to my suite on Deck 11. This is where I encounter my first terrible surprise. My suite windows and balcony do not face the ocean. Instead, they look out onto another shopping mall. This mall is the one that’s called Central Park, perhaps in homage to the Olmsted-designed bit of greenery in the middle of my hometown. Although on land I would be delighted to own a suite with Central Park views, here I am deeply depressed. To sail on a ship and not wake up to a vast blue carpet of ocean? Unthinkable.

Allow me a brief preamble here. The story you are reading was commissioned at a moment when most staterooms on the Icon were sold out. In fact, so enthralled by the prospect of this voyage were hard-core mariners that the ship’s entire inventory of guest rooms (the Icon can accommodate up to 7,600 passengers, but its inaugural journey was reduced to 5,000 or so for a less crowded experience) was almost immediately sold out. Hence, this publication was faced with the shocking prospect of paying nearly $19,000 to procure for this solitary passenger an entire suite—not including drinking expenses—all for the privilege of bringing you this article. But the suite in question doesn’t even have a view of the ocean! I sit down hard on my soft bed. Nineteen thousand dollars for this .

The viewless suite does have its pluses. In addition to all the Malin+Goetz products in my dual bathrooms, I am granted use of a dedicated Suite Deck lounge; access to Coastal Kitchen, a superior restaurant for Suites passengers; complimentary VOOM SM Surf & Stream (“the fastest Internet at Sea”) “for one device per person for the whole cruise duration”; a pair of bathrobes (one of which comes prestained with what looks like a large expectoration by the greenest lizard on Earth); and use of the Grove Suite Sun, an area on Decks 18 and 19 with food and deck chairs reserved exclusively for Suite passengers. I also get reserved seating for a performance of The Wizard of Oz , an ice-skating tribute to the periodic table, and similar provocations. The very color of my Suite Sky SeaPass Card, an oceanic blue as opposed to the cloying royal purple of the standard non-Suite passenger, will soon provoke envy and admiration. But as high as my status may be, there are those on board who have much higher status still, and I will soon learn to bow before them.

In preparation for sailing, I have “priced in,” as they say on Wall Street, the possibility that I may come from a somewhat different monde than many of the other cruisers. Without falling into stereotypes or preconceptions, I prepare myself for a friendly outspokenness on the part of my fellow seafarers that may not comply with modern DEI standards. I believe in meeting people halfway, and so the day before flying down to Miami, I visited what remains of Little Italy to purchase a popular T-shirt that reads DADDY’S LITTLE MEATBALL across the breast in the colors of the Italian flag. My wife recommended that I bring one of my many T-shirts featuring Snoopy and the Peanuts gang, as all Americans love the beagle and his friends. But I naively thought that my meatball T-shirt would be more suitable for conversation-starting. “Oh, and who is your ‘daddy’?” some might ask upon seeing it. “And how long have you been his ‘little meatball’?” And so on.

I put on my meatball T-shirt and head for one of the dining rooms to get a late lunch. In the elevator, I stick out my chest for all to read the funny legend upon it, but soon I realize that despite its burnished tricolor letters, no one takes note. More to the point, no one takes note of me. Despite my attempts at bridge building, the very sight of me (small, ethnic, without a cap bearing the name of a football team) elicits no reaction from other passengers. Most often, they will small-talk over me as if I don’t exist. This brings to mind the travails of David Foster Wallace , who felt so ostracized by his fellow passengers that he retreated to his cabin for much of his voyage. And Wallace was raised primarily in the Midwest and was a much larger, more American-looking meatball than I am. If he couldn’t talk to these people, how will I? What if I leave this ship without making any friends at all, despite my T-shirt? I am a social creature, and the prospect of seven days alone and apart is saddening. Wallace’s stateroom, at least, had a view of the ocean, a kind of cheap eternity.

Worse awaits me in the dining room. This is a large, multichandeliered room where I attended my safety training (I was shown how to put on a flotation vest; it is a very simple procedure). But the maître d’ politely refuses me entry in an English that seems to verge on another language. “I’m sorry, this is only for pendejos ,” he seems to be saying. I push back politely and he repeats himself. Pendejos ? Piranhas? There’s some kind of P-word to which I am not attuned. Meanwhile elderly passengers stream right past, powered by their limbs, walkers, and electric wheelchairs. “It is only pendejo dining today, sir.” “But I have a suite!” I say, already starting to catch on to the ship’s class system. He examines my card again. “But you are not a pendejo ,” he confirms. I am wearing a DADDY’S LITTLE MEATBALL T-shirt, I want to say to him. I am the essence of pendejo .

Eventually, I give up and head to the plebeian buffet on Deck 15, which has an aquatic-styled name I have now forgotten. Before gaining entry to this endless cornucopia of reheated food, one passes a washing station of many sinks and soap dispensers, and perhaps the most intriguing character on the entire ship. He is Mr. Washy Washy—or, according to his name tag, Nielbert of the Philippines—and he is dressed as a taco (on other occasions, I’ll see him dressed as a burger). Mr. Washy Washy performs an eponymous song in spirited, indeed flamboyant English: “Washy, washy, wash your hands, WASHY WASHY!” The dangers of norovirus and COVID on a cruise ship this size (a giant fellow ship was stricken with the former right after my voyage) makes Mr. Washy Washy an essential member of the crew. The problem lies with the food at the end of Washy’s rainbow. The buffet is groaning with what sounds like sophisticated dishes—marinated octopus, boiled egg with anchovy, chorizo, lobster claws—but every animal tastes tragically the same, as if there was only one creature available at the market, a “cruisipus” bred specifically for Royal Caribbean dining. The “vegetables” are no better. I pick up a tomato slice and look right through it. It tastes like cellophane. I sit alone, apart from the couples and parents with gaggles of children, as “We Are Family” echoes across the buffet space.

I may have failed to mention that all this time, the Icon of the Seas has not left port. As the fiery mango of the subtropical setting sun makes Miami’s condo skyline even more apocalyptic, the ship shoves off beneath a perfunctory display of fireworks. After the sun sets, in the far, dark distance, another circus-lit cruise ship ruptures the waves before us. We glance at it with pity, because it is by definition a smaller ship than our own. I am on Deck 15, outside the buffet and overlooking a bunch of pools (the Icon has seven of them), drinking a frilly drink that I got from one of the bars (the Icon has 15 of them), still too shy to speak to anyone, despite Sister Sledge’s assertion that all on the ship are somehow related.

Kim Brooks: On failing the family vacation

The ship’s passage away from Ron DeSantis’s Florida provides no frisson, no sense of developing “sea legs,” as the ship is too large to register the presence of waves unless a mighty wind adds significant chop. It is time for me to register the presence of the 5,000 passengers around me, even if they refuse to register mine. My fellow travelers have prepared for this trip with personally decorated T-shirts celebrating the importance of this voyage. The simplest ones say ICON INAUGURAL ’24 on the back and the family name on the front. Others attest to an over-the-top love of cruise ships: WARNING! MAY START TALKING ABOUT CRUISING . Still others are artisanally designed and celebrate lifetimes spent married while cruising (on ships, of course). A couple possibly in their 90s are wearing shirts whose backs feature a drawing of a cruise liner, two flamingos with ostensibly male and female characteristics, and the legend “ HUSBAND AND WIFE Cruising Partners FOR LIFE WE MAY NOT HAVE IT All Together BUT TOGETHER WE HAVE IT ALL .” (The words not in all caps have been written in cursive.) A real journalist or a more intrepid conversationalist would have gone up to the couple and asked them to explain the longevity of their marriage vis-à-vis their love of cruising. But instead I head to my mall suite, take off my meatball T-shirt, and allow the first tears of the cruise to roll down my cheeks slowly enough that I briefly fall asleep amid the moisture and salt.

I WAKE UP with a hangover. Oh God. Right. I cannot believe all of that happened last night. A name floats into my cobwebbed, nauseated brain: “Ayn Rand.” Jesus Christ.

I breakfast alone at the Coastal Kitchen. The coffee tastes fine and the eggs came out of a bird. The ship rolls slightly this morning; I can feel it in my thighs and my schlong, the parts of me that are most receptive to danger.

I had a dangerous conversation last night. After the sun set and we were at least 50 miles from shore (most modern cruise ships sail at about 23 miles an hour), I lay in bed softly hiccupping, my arms stretched out exactly like Jesus on the cross, the sound of the distant waves missing from my mall-facing suite, replaced by the hum of air-conditioning and children shouting in Spanish through the vents of my two bathrooms. I decided this passivity was unacceptable. As an immigrant, I feel duty-bound to complete the tasks I am paid for, which means reaching out and trying to understand my fellow cruisers. So I put on a normal James Perse T-shirt and headed for one of the bars on the Royal Promenade—the Schooner Bar, it was called, if memory serves correctly.

I sat at the bar for a martini and two Negronis. An old man with thick, hairy forearms drank next to me, very silent and Hemingwaylike, while a dreadlocked piano player tinkled out a series of excellent Elton John covers. To my right, a young white couple—he in floral shorts, she in a light, summery miniskirt with a fearsome diamond ring, neither of them in football regalia—chatted with an elderly couple. Do it , I commanded myself. Open your mouth. Speak! Speak without being spoken to. Initiate. A sentence fragment caught my ear from the young woman, “Cherry Hill.” This is a suburb of Philadelphia in New Jersey, and I had once been there for a reading at a synagogue. “Excuse me,” I said gently to her. “Did you just mention Cherry Hill? It’s a lovely place.”

As it turned out, the couple now lived in Fort Lauderdale (the number of Floridians on the cruise surprised me, given that Southern Florida is itself a kind of cruise ship, albeit one slowly sinking), but soon they were talking with me exclusively—the man potbellied, with a chin like a hard-boiled egg; the woman as svelte as if she were one of the many Ukrainian members of the crew—the elderly couple next to them forgotten. This felt as groundbreaking as the first time I dared to address an American in his native tongue, as a child on a bus in Queens (“On my foot you are standing, Mister”).

“I don’t want to talk politics,” the man said. “But they’re going to eighty-six Biden and put Michelle in.”

I considered the contradictions of his opening conversational gambit, but decided to play along. “People like Michelle,” I said, testing the waters. The husband sneered, but the wife charitably put forward that the former first lady was “more personable” than Joe Biden. “They’re gonna eighty-six Biden,” the husband repeated. “He can’t put a sentence together.”

After I mentioned that I was a writer—though I presented myself as a writer of teleplays instead of novels and articles such as this one—the husband told me his favorite writer was Ayn Rand. “Ayn Rand, she came here with nothing,” the husband said. “I work with a lot of Cubans, so …” I wondered if I should mention what I usually do to ingratiate myself with Republicans or libertarians: the fact that my finances improved after pass-through corporations were taxed differently under Donald Trump. Instead, I ordered another drink and the couple did the same, and I told him that Rand and I were born in the same city, St. Petersburg/Leningrad, and that my family also came here with nothing. Now the bonding and drinking began in earnest, and several more rounds appeared. Until it all fell apart.

Read: Gary Shteyngart on watching Russian television for five days straight

My new friend, whom I will refer to as Ayn, called out to a buddy of his across the bar, and suddenly a young couple, both covered in tattoos, appeared next to us. “He fucking punked me,” Ayn’s frat-boy-like friend called out as he put his arm around Ayn, while his sizable partner sizzled up to Mrs. Rand. Both of them had a look I have never seen on land—their eyes projecting absence and enmity in equal measure. In the ’90s, I drank with Russian soldiers fresh from Chechnya and wandered the streets of wartime Zagreb, but I have never seen such undisguised hostility toward both me and perhaps the universe at large. I was briefly introduced to this psychopathic pair, but neither of them wanted to have anything to do with me, and the tattooed woman would not even reveal her Christian name to me (she pretended to have the same first name as Mrs. Rand). To impress his tattooed friends, Ayn made fun of the fact that as a television writer, I’d worked on the series Succession (which, it would turn out, practically nobody on the ship had watched), instead of the far more palatable, in his eyes, zombie drama of last year. And then my new friends drifted away from me into an angry private conversation—“He punked me!”—as I ordered another drink for myself, scared of the dead-eyed arrivals whose gaze never registered in the dim wattage of the Schooner Bar, whose terrifying voices and hollow laughs grated like unoiled gears against the crooning of “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road.”

But today is a new day for me and my hangover. After breakfast, I explore the ship’s so-called neighborhoods . There’s the AquaDome, where one can find a food hall and an acrobatic sound-and-light aquatic show. Central Park has a premium steak house, a sushi joint, and a used Rolex that can be bought for $8,000 on land here proudly offered at $17,000. There’s the aforementioned Royal Promenade, where I had drunk with the Rands, and where a pair of dueling pianos duel well into the night. There’s Surfside, a kids’ neighborhood full of sugary garbage, which looks out onto the frothy trail that the behemoth leaves behind itself. Thrill Island refers to the collection of tubes that clutter the ass of the ship and offer passengers six waterslides and a surfing simulation. There’s the Hideaway, an adult zone that plays music from a vomit-slathered, Brit-filled Alicante nightclub circa 1996 and proves a big favorite with groups of young Latin American customers. And, most hurtfully, there’s the Suite Neighborhood.

I say hurtfully because as a Suite passenger I should be here, though my particular suite is far from the others. Whereas I am stuck amid the riffraff of Deck 11, this section is on the highborn Decks 16 and 17, and in passing, I peek into the spacious, tall-ceilinged staterooms from the hallway, dazzled by the glint of the waves and sun. For $75,000, one multifloor suite even comes with its own slide between floors, so that a family may enjoy this particular terror in private. There is a quiet splendor to the Suite Neighborhood. I see fewer stickers and signs and drawings than in my own neighborhood—for example, MIKE AND DIANA PROUDLY SERVED U.S. MARINE CORPS RETIRED . No one here needs to announce their branch of service or rank; they are simply Suites, and this is where they belong. Once again, despite my hard work and perseverance, I have been disallowed from the true American elite. Once again, I am “Not our class, dear.” I am reminded of watching The Love Boat on my grandmother’s Zenith, which either was given to her or we found in the trash (I get our many malfunctioning Zeniths confused) and whose tube got so hot, I would put little chunks of government cheese on a thin tissue atop it to give our welfare treat a pleasant, Reagan-era gooeyness. I could not understand English well enough then to catch the nuances of that seafaring program, but I knew that there were differences in the status of the passengers, and that sometimes those differences made them sad. Still, this ship, this plenty—every few steps, there are complimentary nachos or milkshakes or gyros on offer—was the fatty fuel of my childhood dreams. If only I had remained a child.

I walk around the outdoor decks looking for company. There is a middle-aged African American couple who always seem to be asleep in each other’s arms, probably exhausted from the late capitalism they regularly encounter on land. There is far more diversity on this ship than I expected. Many couples are a testament to Loving v. Virginia , and there is a large group of folks whose T-shirts read MELANIN AT SEA / IT’S THE MELANIN FOR ME . I smile when I see them, but then some young kids from the group makes Mr. Washy Washy do a cruel, caricatured “Burger Dance” (today he is in his burger getup), and I think, Well, so much for intersectionality .

At the infinity pool on Deck 17, I spot some elderly women who could be ethnic and from my part of the world, and so I jump in. I am proved correct! Many of them seem to be originally from Queens (“Corona was still great when it was all Italian”), though they are now spread across the tristate area. We bond over the way “Ron-kon-koma” sounds when announced in Penn Station.

“Everyone is here for a different reason,” one of them tells me. She and her ex-husband last sailed together four years ago to prove to themselves that their marriage was truly over. Her 15-year-old son lost his virginity to “an Irish young lady” while their ship was moored in Ravenna, Italy. The gaggle of old-timers competes to tell me their favorite cruising stories and tips. “A guy proposed in Central Park a couple of years ago”—many Royal Caribbean ships apparently have this ridiculous communal area—“and she ran away screaming!” “If you’re diamond-class, you get four drinks for free.” “A different kind of passenger sails out of Bayonne.” (This, perhaps, is racially coded.) “Sometimes, if you tip the bartender $5, your next drink will be free.”

“Everyone’s here for a different reason,” the woman whose marriage ended on a cruise tells me again. “Some people are here for bad reasons—the drinkers and the gamblers. Some people are here for medical reasons.” I have seen more than a few oxygen tanks and at least one woman clearly undergoing very serious chemo. Some T-shirts celebrate good news about a cancer diagnosis. This might be someone’s last cruise or week on Earth. For these women, who have spent months, if not years, at sea, cruising is a ritual as well as a life cycle: first love, last love, marriage, divorce, death.

Read: The last place on Earth any tourist should go

I have talked with these women for so long, tonight I promise myself that after a sad solitary dinner I will not try to seek out company at the bars in the mall or the adult-themed Hideaway. I have enough material to fulfill my duties to this publication. As I approach my orphaned suite, I run into the aggro young people who stole Mr. and Mrs. Rand away from me the night before. The tattooed apparitions pass me without a glance. She is singing something violent about “Stuttering Stanley” (a character in a popular horror movie, as I discover with my complimentary VOOM SM Surf & Stream Internet at Sea) and he’s loudly shouting about “all the money I’ve lost,” presumably at the casino in the bowels of the ship.

So these bent psychos out of a Cormac McCarthy novel are angrily inhabiting my deck. As I mewl myself to sleep, I envision a limited series for HBO or some other streamer, a kind of low-rent White Lotus , where several aggressive couples conspire to throw a shy intellectual interloper overboard. I type the scenario into my phone. As I fall asleep, I think of what the woman who recently divorced her husband and whose son became a man through the good offices of the Irish Republic told me while I was hoisting myself out of the infinity pool. “I’m here because I’m an explorer. I’m here because I’m trying something new.” What if I allowed myself to believe in her fantasy?

“YOU REALLY STARTED AT THE TOP,” they tell me. I’m at the Coastal Kitchen for my eggs and corned-beef hash, and the maître d’ has slotted me in between two couples. Fueled by coffee or perhaps intrigued by my relative youth, they strike up a conversation with me. As always, people are shocked that this is my first cruise. They contrast the Icon favorably with all the preceding liners in the Royal Caribbean fleet, usually commenting on the efficiency of the elevators that hurl us from deck to deck (as in many large corporate buildings, the elevators ask you to choose a floor and then direct you to one of many lifts). The couple to my right, from Palo Alto—he refers to his “porn mustache” and calls his wife “my cougar” because she is two years older—tell me they are “Pandemic Pinnacles.”

This is the day that my eyes will be opened. Pinnacles , it is explained to me over translucent cantaloupe, have sailed with Royal Caribbean for 700 ungodly nights. Pandemic Pinnacles took advantage of the two-for-one accrual rate of Pinnacle points during the pandemic, when sailing on a cruise ship was even more ill-advised, to catapult themselves into Pinnacle status.

Because of the importance of the inaugural voyage of the world’s largest cruise liner, more than 200 Pinnacles are on this ship, a startling number, it seems. Mrs. Palo Alto takes out a golden badge that I have seen affixed over many a breast, which reads CROWN AND ANCHOR SOCIETY along with her name. This is the coveted badge of the Pinnacle. “You should hear all the whining in Guest Services,” her husband tells me. Apparently, the Pinnacles who are not also Suites like us are all trying to use their status to get into Coastal Kitchen, our elite restaurant. Even a Pinnacle needs to be a Suite to access this level of corned-beef hash.

“We’re just baby Pinnacles,” Mrs. Palo Alto tells me, describing a kind of internal class struggle among the Pinnacle elite for ever higher status.

And now I understand what the maître d’ was saying to me on the first day of my cruise. He wasn’t saying “ pendejo .” He was saying “Pinnacle.” The dining room was for Pinnacles only, all those older people rolling in like the tide on their motorized scooters.

And now I understand something else: This whole thing is a cult. And like most cults, it can’t help but mirror the endless American fight for status. Like Keith Raniere’s NXIVM, where different-colored sashes were given out to connote rank among Raniere’s branded acolytes, this is an endless competition among Pinnacles, Suites, Diamond-Plusers, and facing-the-mall, no-balcony purple SeaPass Card peasants, not to mention the many distinctions within each category. The more you cruise, the higher your status. No wonder a section of the Royal Promenade is devoted to getting passengers to book their next cruise during the one they should be enjoying now. No wonder desperate Royal Caribbean offers (“FINAL HOURS”) crowded my email account weeks before I set sail. No wonder the ship’s jewelry store, the Royal Bling, is selling a $100,000 golden chalice that will entitle its owner to drink free on Royal Caribbean cruises for life. (One passenger was already gaming out whether her 28-year-old son was young enough to “just about earn out” on the chalice or if that ship had sailed.) No wonder this ship was sold out months before departure , and we had to pay $19,000 for a horrid suite away from the Suite Neighborhood. No wonder the most mythical hero of Royal Caribbean lore is someone named Super Mario, who has cruised so often, he now has his own working desk on many ships. This whole experience is part cult, part nautical pyramid scheme.

From the June 2014 issue: Ship of wonks

“The toilets are amazing,” the Palo Altos are telling me. “One flush and you’re done.” “They don’t understand how energy-efficient these ships are,” the husband of the other couple is telling me. “They got the LNG”—liquefied natural gas, which is supposed to make the Icon a boon to the environment (a concept widely disputed and sometimes ridiculed by environmentalists).

But I’m thinking along a different line of attack as I spear my last pallid slice of melon. For my streaming limited series, a Pinnacle would have to get killed by either an outright peasant or a Suite without an ocean view. I tell my breakfast companions my idea.

“Oh, for sure a Pinnacle would have to be killed,” Mr. Palo Alto, the Pandemic Pinnacle, says, touching his porn mustache thoughtfully as his wife nods.

“THAT’S RIGHT, IT’S your time, buddy!” Hubert, my fun-loving Panamanian cabin attendant, shouts as I step out of my suite in a robe. “Take it easy, buddy!”

I have come up with a new dressing strategy. Instead of trying to impress with my choice of T-shirts, I have decided to start wearing a robe, as one does at a resort property on land, with a proper spa and hammam. The response among my fellow cruisers has been ecstatic. “Look at you in the robe!” Mr. Rand cries out as we pass each other by the Thrill Island aqua park. “You’re living the cruise life! You know, you really drank me under the table that night.” I laugh as we part ways, but my soul cries out, Please spend more time with me, Mr. and Mrs. Rand; I so need the company .

In my white robe, I am a stately presence, a refugee from a better limited series, a one-man crossover episode. (Only Suites are granted these robes to begin with.) Today, I will try many of the activities these ships have on offer to provide their clientele with a sense of never-ceasing motion. Because I am already at Thrill Island, I decide to climb the staircase to what looks like a mast on an old-fashioned ship (terrified, because I am afraid of heights) to try a ride called “Storm Chasers,” which is part of the “Category 6” water park, named in honor of one of the storms that may someday do away with the Port of Miami entirely. Storm Chasers consists of falling from the “mast” down a long, twisting neon tube filled with water, like being the camera inside your own colonoscopy, as you hold on to the handles of a mat, hoping not to die. The tube then flops you down headfirst into a trough of water, a Royal Caribbean baptism. It both knocks my breath out and makes me sad.

In keeping with the aquatic theme, I attend a show at the AquaDome. To the sound of “Live and Let Die,” a man in a harness gyrates to and fro in the sultry air. I saw something very similar in the back rooms of the famed Berghain club in early-aughts Berlin. Soon another harnessed man is gyrating next to the first. Ja , I think to myself, I know how this ends. Now will come the fisting , natürlich . But the show soon devolves into the usual Marvel-film-grade nonsense, with too much light and sound signifying nichts . If any fisting is happening, it is probably in the Suite Neighborhood, inside a cabin marked with an upside-down pineapple, which I understand means a couple are ready to swing, and I will see none of it.

I go to the ice show, which is a kind of homage—if that’s possible—to the periodic table, done with the style and pomp and masterful precision that would please the likes of Kim Jong Un, if only he could afford Royal Caribbean talent. At one point, the dancers skate to the theme song of Succession . “See that!” I want to say to my fellow Suites—at “cultural” events, we have a special section reserved for us away from the commoners—“ Succession ! It’s even better than the zombie show! Open your minds!”

Finally, I visit a comedy revue in an enormous and too brightly lit version of an “intimate,” per Royal Caribbean literature, “Manhattan comedy club.” Many of the jokes are about the cruising life. “I’ve lived on ships for 20 years,” one of the middle-aged comedians says. “I can only see so many Filipino homosexuals dressed as a taco.” He pauses while the audience laughs. “I am so fired tonight,” he says. He segues into a Trump impression and then Biden falling asleep at the microphone, which gets the most laughs. “Anyone here from Fort Leonard Wood?” another comedian asks. Half the crowd seems to cheer. As I fall asleep that night, I realize another connection I have failed to make, and one that may explain some of the diversity on this vessel—many of its passengers have served in the military.

As a coddled passenger with a suite, I feel like I am starting to understand what it means to have a rank and be constantly reminded of it. There are many espresso makers , I think as I look across the expanse of my officer-grade quarters before closing my eyes, but this one is mine .

A shocking sight greets me beyond the pools of Deck 17 as I saunter over to the Coastal Kitchen for my morning intake of slightly sour Americanos. A tiny city beneath a series of perfectly pressed green mountains. Land! We have docked for a brief respite in Basseterre, the capital of St. Kitts and Nevis. I wolf down my egg scramble to be one of the first passengers off the ship. Once past the gangway, I barely refrain from kissing the ground. I rush into the sights and sounds of this scruffy island city, sampling incredible conch curry and buckets of non-Starbucks coffee. How wonderful it is to be where God intended humans to be: on land. After all, I am neither a fish nor a mall rat. This is my natural environment. Basseterre may not be Havana, but there are signs of human ingenuity and desire everywhere you look. The Black Table Grill Has been Relocated to Soho Village, Market Street, Directly Behind of, Gary’s Fruits and Flower Shop. Signed. THE PORK MAN reads a sign stuck to a wall. Now, that is how you write a sign. A real sign, not the come-ons for overpriced Rolexes that blink across the screens of the Royal Promenade.

“Hey, tie your shoestring!” a pair of laughing ladies shout to me across the street.

“Thank you!” I shout back. Shoestring! “Thank you very much.”

A man in Independence Square Park comes by and asks if I want to play with his monkey. I haven’t heard that pickup line since the Penn Station of the 1980s. But then he pulls a real monkey out of a bag. The monkey is wearing a diaper and looks insane. Wonderful , I think, just wonderful! There is so much life here. I email my editor asking if I can remain on St. Kitts and allow the Icon to sail off into the horizon without me. I have even priced a flight home at less than $300, and I have enough material from the first four days on the cruise to write the entire story. “It would be funny …” my editor replies. “Now get on the boat.”

As I slink back to the ship after my brief jailbreak, the locals stand under umbrellas to gaze at and photograph the boat that towers over their small capital city. The limousines of the prime minister and his lackeys are parked beside the gangway. St. Kitts, I’ve been told, is one of the few islands that would allow a ship of this size to dock.

“We hear about all the waterslides,” a sweet young server in one of the cafés told me. “We wish we could go on the ship, but we have to work.”

“I want to stay on your island,” I replied. “I love it here.”

But she didn’t understand how I could possibly mean that.

“WASHY, WASHY, so you don’t get stinky, stinky!” kids are singing outside the AquaDome, while their adult minders look on in disapproval, perhaps worried that Mr. Washy Washy is grooming them into a life of gayness. I heard a southern couple skip the buffet entirely out of fear of Mr. Washy Washy.

Meanwhile, I have found a new watering hole for myself, the Swim & Tonic, the biggest swim-up bar on any cruise ship in the world. Drinking next to full-size, nearly naked Americans takes away one’s own self-consciousness. The men have curvaceous mom bodies. The women are equally un-shy about their sprawling physiques.

Today I’ve befriended a bald man with many children who tells me that all of the little trinkets that Royal Caribbean has left us in our staterooms and suites are worth a fortune on eBay. “Eighty dollars for the water bottle, 60 for the lanyard,” the man says. “This is a cult.”

“Tell me about it,” I say. There is, however, a clientele for whom this cruise makes perfect sense. For a large middle-class family (he works in “supply chains”), seven days in a lower-tier cabin—which starts at $1,800 a person—allow the parents to drop off their children in Surfside, where I imagine many young Filipina crew members will take care of them, while the parents are free to get drunk at a swim-up bar and maybe even get intimate in their cabin. Cruise ships have become, for a certain kind of hardworking family, a form of subsidized child care.

There is another man I would like to befriend at the Swim & Tonic, a tall, bald fellow who is perpetually inebriated and who wears a necklace studded with little rubber duckies in sunglasses, which, I am told, is a sort of secret handshake for cruise aficionados. Tomorrow, I will spend more time with him, but first the ship docks at St. Thomas, in the U.S. Virgin Islands. Charlotte Amalie, the capital, is more charming in name than in presence, but I still all but jump off the ship to score a juicy oxtail and plantains at the well-known Petite Pump Room, overlooking the harbor. From one of the highest points in the small city, the Icon of the Seas appears bigger than the surrounding hills.

I usually tan very evenly, but something about the discombobulation of life at sea makes me forget the regular application of sunscreen. As I walk down the streets of Charlotte Amalie in my fluorescent Icon of the Seas cap, an old Rastafarian stares me down. “Redneck,” he hisses.

“No,” I want to tell him, as I bring a hand up to my red neck, “that’s not who I am at all. On my island, Mannahatta, as Whitman would have it, I am an interesting person living within an engaging artistic milieu. I do not wish to use the Caribbean as a dumping ground for the cruise-ship industry. I love the work of Derek Walcott. You don’t understand. I am not a redneck. And if I am, they did this to me.” They meaning Royal Caribbean? Its passengers? The Rands?

“They did this to me!”

Back on the Icon, some older matrons are muttering about a run-in with passengers from the Celebrity cruise ship docked next to us, the Celebrity Apex. Although Celebrity Cruises is also owned by Royal Caribbean, I am made to understand that there is a deep fratricidal beef between passengers of the two lines. “We met a woman from the Apex,” one matron says, “and she says it was a small ship and there was nothing to do. Her face was as tight as a 19-year-old’s, she had so much surgery.” With those words, and beneath a cloudy sky, humidity shrouding our weathered faces and red necks, we set sail once again, hopefully in the direction of home.

THERE ARE BARELY 48 HOURS LEFT to the cruise, and the Icon of the Seas’ passengers are salty. They know how to work the elevators. They know the Washy Washy song by heart. They understand that the chicken gyro at “Feta Mediterranean,” in the AquaDome Market, is the least problematic form of chicken on the ship.

The passengers have shed their INAUGURAL CRUISE T-shirts and are now starting to evince political opinions. There are caps pledging to make America great again and T-shirts that celebrate words sometimes attributed to Patrick Henry: “The Constitution is not an instrument for the government to restrain the people; it is an instrument for the people to restrain the government.” With their preponderance of FAMILY FLAG FAITH FRIENDS FIREARMS T-shirts, the tables by the crepe station sometimes resemble the Capitol Rotunda on January 6. The Real Anthony Fauci , by Robert F. Kennedy Jr., appears to be a popular form of literature, especially among young men with very complicated versions of the American flag on their T-shirts. Other opinions blend the personal and the political. “Someone needs to kill Washy guy, right?” a well-dressed man in the elevator tells me, his gray eyes radiating nothing. “Just beat him to death. Am I right?” I overhear the male member of a young couple whisper, “There goes that freak” as I saunter by in my white spa robe, and I decide to retire it for the rest of the cruise.

I visit the Royal Bling to see up close the $100,000 golden chalice that entitles you to free drinks on Royal Caribbean forever. The pleasant Serbian saleslady explains that the chalice is actually gold-plated and covered in white zirconia instead of diamonds, as it would otherwise cost $1 million. “If you already have everything,” she explains, “this is one more thing you can get.”

I believe that anyone who works for Royal Caribbean should be entitled to immediate American citizenship. They already speak English better than most of the passengers and, per the Serbian lady’s sales pitch above, better understand what America is as well. Crew members like my Panamanian cabin attendant seem to work 24 hours a day. A waiter from New Delhi tells me that his contract is six months and three weeks long. After a cruise ends, he says, “in a few hours, we start again for the next cruise.” At the end of the half a year at sea, he is allowed a two-to-three-month stay at home with his family. As of 2019, the median income for crew members was somewhere in the vicinity of $20,000, according to a major business publication. Royal Caribbean would not share the current median salary for its crew members, but I am certain that it amounts to a fraction of the cost of a Royal Bling gold-plated, zirconia-studded chalice.

And because most of the Icon’s hyper-sanitized spaces are just a frittata away from being a Delta lounge, one forgets that there are actual sailors on this ship, charged with the herculean task of docking it in port. “Having driven 100,000-ton aircraft carriers throughout my career,” retired Admiral James G. Stavridis, the former NATO Supreme Allied Commander Europe, writes to me, “I’m not sure I would even know where to begin with trying to control a sea monster like this one nearly three times the size.” (I first met Stavridis while touring Army bases in Germany more than a decade ago.)

Today, I decide to head to the hot tub near Swim & Tonic, where some of the ship’s drunkest reprobates seem to gather (the other tubs are filled with families and couples). The talk here, like everywhere else on the ship, concerns football, a sport about which I know nothing. It is apparent that four teams have recently competed in some kind of finals for the year, and that two of them will now face off in the championship. Often when people on the Icon speak, I will try to repeat the last thing they said with a laugh or a nod of disbelief. “Yes, 20-yard line! Ha!” “Oh my God, of course, scrimmage.”

Soon we are joined in the hot tub by the late-middle-age drunk guy with the duck necklace. He is wearing a bucket hat with the legend HAWKEYES , which, I soon gather, is yet another football team. “All right, who turned me in?” Duck Necklace says as he plops into the tub beside us. “I get a call in the morning,” he says. “It’s security. Can you come down to the dining room by 10 a.m.? You need to stay away from the members of this religious family.” Apparently, the gregarious Duck Necklace had photobombed the wrong people. There are several families who present as evangelical Christians or practicing Muslims on the ship. One man, evidently, was not happy that Duck Necklace had made contact with his relatives. “It’s because of religious stuff; he was offended. I put my arm around 20 people a day.”

Everyone laughs. “They asked me three times if I needed medication,” he says of the security people who apparently interrogated him in full view of others having breakfast.

Another hot-tub denizen suggests that he should have asked for fentanyl. After a few more drinks, Duck Necklace begins to muse about what it would be like to fall off the ship. “I’m 62 and I’m ready to go,” he says. “I just don’t want a shark to eat me. I’m a huge God guy. I’m a Bible guy. There’s some Mayan theory squaring science stuff with religion. There is so much more to life on Earth.” We all nod into our Red Stripes.

“I never get off the ship when we dock,” he says. He tells us he lost $6,000 in the casino the other day. Later, I look him up, and it appears that on land, he’s a financial adviser in a crisp gray suit, probably a pillar of his North Chicago community.

THE OCEAN IS TEEMING with fascinating life, but on the surface it has little to teach us. The waves come and go. The horizon remains ever far away.

I am constantly told by my fellow passengers that “everybody here has a story.” Yes, I want to reply, but everybody everywhere has a story. You, the reader of this essay, have a story, and yet you’re not inclined to jump on a cruise ship and, like Duck Necklace, tell your story to others at great pitch and volume. Maybe what they’re saying is that everybody on this ship wants to have a bigger, more coherent, more interesting story than the one they’ve been given. Maybe that’s why there’s so much signage on the doors around me attesting to marriages spent on the sea. Maybe that’s why the Royal Caribbean newsletter slipped under my door tells me that “this isn’t a vacation day spent—it’s bragging rights earned.” Maybe that’s why I’m so lonely.

Today is a big day for Icon passengers. Today the ship docks at Royal Caribbean’s own Bahamian island, the Perfect Day at CocoCay. (This appears to be the actual name of the island.) A comedian at the nightclub opined on what his perfect day at CocoCay would look like—receiving oral sex while learning that his ex-wife had been killed in a car crash (big laughter). But the reality of the island is far less humorous than that.

One of the ethnic tristate ladies in the infinity pool told me that she loved CocoCay because it had exactly the same things that could be found on the ship itself. This proves to be correct. It is like the Icon, but with sand. The same tired burgers, the same colorful tubes conveying children and water from Point A to B. The same swim-up bar at its Hideaway ($140 for admittance, no children allowed; Royal Caribbean must be printing money off its clientele). “There was almost a fight at The Wizard of Oz ,” I overhear an elderly woman tell her companion on a chaise lounge. Apparently one of the passengers began recording Royal Caribbean’s intellectual property and “three guys came after him.”

I walk down a pathway to the center of the island, where a sign reads DO NOT ENTER: YOU HAVE REACHED THE BOUNDARY OF ADVENTURE . I hear an animal scampering in the bushes. A Royal Caribbean worker in an enormous golf cart soon chases me down and takes me back to the Hideaway, where I run into Mrs. Rand in a bikini. She becomes livid telling me about an altercation she had the other day with a woman over a towel and a deck chair. We Suites have special towel privileges; we do not have to hand over our SeaPass Card to score a towel. But the Rands are not Suites. “People are so entitled here,” Mrs. Rand says. “It’s like the airport with all its classes.” “You see,” I want to say, “this is where your husband’s love of Ayn Rand runs into the cruelties and arbitrary indignities of unbridled capitalism.” Instead we make plans to meet for a final drink in the Schooner Bar tonight (the Rands will stand me up).

Back on the ship, I try to do laps, but the pool (the largest on any cruise ship, naturally) is fully trashed with the detritus of American life: candy wrappers, a slowly dissolving tortilla chip, napkins. I take an extra-long shower in my suite, then walk around the perimeter of the ship on a kind of exercise track, past all the alluring lifeboats in their yellow-and-white livery. Maybe there is a dystopian angle to the HBO series that I will surely end up pitching, one with shades of WALL-E or Snowpiercer . In a collapsed world, a Royal Caribbean–like cruise liner sails from port to port, collecting new shipmates and supplies in exchange for the precious energy it has on board. (The actual Icon features a new technology that converts passengers’ poop into enough energy to power the waterslides . In the series, this shitty technology would be greatly expanded.) A very young woman (18? 19?), smart and lonely, who has only known life on the ship, walks along the same track as I do now, contemplating jumping off into the surf left by its wake. I picture reusing Duck Necklace’s words in the opening shot of the pilot. The girl is walking around the track, her eyes on the horizon; maybe she’s highborn—a Suite—and we hear the voice-over: “I’m 19 and I’m ready to go. I just don’t want a shark to eat me.”

Before the cruise is finished, I talk to Mr. Washy Washy, or Nielbert of the Philippines. He is a sweet, gentle man, and I thank him for the earworm of a song he has given me and for keeping us safe from the dreaded norovirus. “This is very important to me, getting people to wash their hands,” he tells me in his burger getup. He has dreams, as an artist and a performer, but they are limited in scope. One day he wants to dress up as a piece of bacon for the morning shift.

THE MAIDEN VOYAGE OF THE TITANIC (the Icon of the Seas is five times as large as that doomed vessel) at least offered its passengers an exciting ending to their cruise, but when I wake up on the eighth day, all I see are the gray ghosts that populate Miami’s condo skyline. Throughout my voyage, my writer friends wrote in to commiserate with me. Sloane Crosley, who once covered a three-day spa mini-cruise for Vogue , tells me she felt “so very alone … I found it very untethering.” Gideon Lewis-Kraus writes in an Instagram comment: “When Gary is done I think it’s time this genre was taken out back and shot.” And he is right. To badly paraphrase Adorno: After this, no more cruise stories. It is unfair to put a thinking person on a cruise ship. Writers typically have difficult childhoods, and it is cruel to remind them of the inherent loneliness that drove them to writing in the first place. It is also unseemly to write about the kind of people who go on cruises. Our country does not provide the education and upbringing that allow its citizens an interior life. For the creative class to point fingers at the large, breasty gentlemen adrift in tortilla-chip-laden pools of water is to gather a sour harvest of low-hanging fruit.

A day or two before I got off the ship, I decided to make use of my balcony, which I had avoided because I thought the view would only depress me further. What I found shocked me. My suite did not look out on Central Park after all. This entire time, I had been living in the ship’s Disneyland, Surfside, the neighborhood full of screaming toddlers consuming milkshakes and candy. And as I leaned out over my balcony, I beheld a slight vista of the sea and surf that I thought I had been missing. It had been there all along. The sea was frothy and infinite and blue-green beneath the span of a seagull’s wing. And though it had been trod hard by the world’s largest cruise ship, it remained.

This article appears in the May 2024 print edition with the headline “A Meatball at Sea.” When you buy a book using a link on this page, we receive a commission. Thank you for supporting The Atlantic.

• +1 (866) 622-3344

• Cruise Booking
• Cruise Articles
• Royal Caribbean Cruise Tips

What Is Special about Wonder of the Seas?

Find out what makes Wonder of the Seas perfect for your cruise vacation. Discover a world of diverse dining and captivating entertainment.

Explore Wonder Of The Seas Itineraries

Building some of the largest ships globally, Royal Caribbean is a cruise line that continually impresses with the creation of even bigger vessels for cruisers to indulge in. Wonder of the Seas stands as the fifth ship in the esteemed Oasis Class of Royal Caribbean . Covering captivating destinations across the sun-swept Caribbean, this magnificent cruise ship offers an array of attractions for travelers. With a plethora of dining and entertainment options, it appeals greatly to families, couples, and friend groups alike. Dive into the details to discover what makes Royal Caribbean Wonder of the Seas a truly special experience.

Discover the Special Features of Wonder of the Seas

1. eight distinct neighborhoods.

Wonder of the Seas boasts 16 passenger decks , each divided into eight distinct neighborhoods. These neighborhoods are designed to cater to various interests and preferences, offering different vibes and attractions. Here's an overview of Wonder of the Seas' neighborhoods:

• Entertainment Place (Deck 4): This neighborhood houses the cruise ship's main theater, ice skating rink, comedy club, and casino. It also features the Diamond Club for high-level Crown and Anchor loyalty club members.
• Royal Promenade (Decks 5 and 6): This neighborhood includes Royal Caribbean Wonder of the Seas’ interior mall area, complete with bars, shops, and food outlets, surrounded by an outdoor running track. Highlights include Rising Tide Bar and Bionic Bar, where robotic bartenders serve drinks. 
• Vitality Spa and Fitness (Decks 5 and 6): Located ahead of Royal Promenade, this neighborhood includes the Vitality Spa and Fitness Center , which features a barbershop, salon, and thermal suite. The Vitality Cafe, which is present on-site, offers protein smoothies and fresh juices.
• Boardwalk (Deck 6): This is an open-air neighborhood with a carnival atmosphere. It features a hot dog vendor, carousel, candy store, arcade, sports bar, and Johnny Rockets outpost. AquaTheater, Ultimate Abyss slide, and rock climbing walls are major attractions here.
• Central Park (Deck 8): This tranquil open-air neighborhood is filled with living plants and trees, offering a serene escape on the bustling ship. Guests can buy high-end jewelry, dine at the Italian restaurant or the indoor-outdoor cafe, and enjoy date night dinners or drinks at the wine bar.
• Youth Zone (Deck 14): This sprawling neighborhood caters to families with young children. It includes a nursery for babies and toddlers, the Adventure Ocean Kids club , a family play structure area, and a youth lounge with various games and activities. The Puzzle Break escape room is also situated here.
• Pool and Sports Zone (Decks 15 and 16): This neighborhood features three pools, an adults-only solarium, hot tubs, a kids splash area, a surf simulator, waterslides, a playground, a zip line, a sports deck, a mini-golf course, and the 10-deck twisting mat slide entrance. Various food and drink options, including the Windjammer buffet, are available here.
• Suite Neighborhood (Decks 17 and 18): Dedicated to suite guests, this neighborhood offers exclusive amenities such as top suites, a sun deck with hot tubs and a wading pool, a restaurant and lounge, and concierge services.

2. Family-friendly Activities

There are numerous activities suitable for people of all age groups aboard Wonder of the Seas, making it easy for families to spend quality time together. Whether lounging near the pool or zooming down waterslides, there's something for everyone to enjoy. On the Boardwalk, outdoor seating is available for Playmakers Sports Bar (offering a diverse burger menu), Johnny Rockets, a free hot dog venue located next to the carousel, and a climbing structure for kids. Additionally, the Adventure Ocean youth facilities provide ample room for multiple activities to occur simultaneously.

Teenagers and younger children have dedicated areas such as The Patio and Social100 for teens, Splashaway Bay Aqua Park, Adventure Ocean, and Wonder Playscape for the little ones. For diapered children, there's a splash area where they can cool down, as they are not permitted in the main pool. Parents can chill on lounge chairs situated between the water slides and the splash pool, allowing the children to move freely between the two areas. A playground adjacent to the mini-golf course offers a convenient spot for families to gather.

3. Dining Options

Describing the extensive variety of dining choices aboard Wonder of the Seas is no simple task. With over 40 restaurants, lounges, and bars to choose from, guests are spoiled for choice. Each day of the week offers the opportunity to visit six different venues, where you can savor everything from Italian cuisine to Southern comfort food and New England-inspired dishes.

Indulge in over 45 dinner and brunch options at The Mason Jar Southern Restaurant & Bar, an establishment serving up Southern staples and innovative twists on classic favorites. Teens can enjoy a variety of zero-proof cocktails and milkshakes at The Patio "bar" within Social100, a stylish hangout exclusively for them. The Patio also features jumbo-sized games, loungers, a private whirlpool, and cozy nooks. Throughout Wonder of the Seas, guests can choose from more than 400 different wines, beers, cocktails, and zero-proof cocktails available at various locations such as Vue Bar, Giovanni's Wine Bar, Bionic Bar, The Cask & Clipper, and Schooner Bar.

4. Entertainment

Royal Caribbean Wonder of the Seas provides plenty of spectacular entertainment options that are sure to dazzle guests. From captivating open-air AquaTheater featuring high divers, aerialists, slackliners, synchronized swimmers, and more to Studio B, where Olympic-level ice skaters showcase their talent, there's something for everyone. Prepare to be amazed by Wonder of the Seas’ entertainment offerings across four distinct "stages" - ice, water, air, and theater.

AquaTheater boasts an all-female cast in the show called inTENse, featuring 20 performers who use 3D flying technology to soar above the audience. Meanwhile, Studio B's ice rink showcases enthralling ice skating performances that narrate the changing seasons through innovative projection mapping, vibrant images, lighting, and sound. Additionally, guests can enjoy themed parades and indulge in laughter at the Comedy Club, an adult-only venue featuring guest comedians who will keep you entertained throughout the evening.

5. Wide-Ranging Accommodation

Choose from a diverse selection of staterooms and suites tailored to various preferences, whether you're traveling with young children or on a romantic getaway. With 2,867 rooms available, including staterooms and suites across different neighborhoods like Central Park and Boardwalk, Wonder of the Seas offers something for everyone.

For families, the Ultimate Family Suite can accommodate up to 10 members and offers an abundance of fun features, such as a piano staircase, two-story slide, LEGO wall, and stunning ocean views. Additionally, guests can enjoy the services of a Royal Genie, who provides insider expertise to turn vacation dreams into reality while on board.

Extend your invitation to extended family or friends by opting for the connecting Loft Suite, which offers upscale amenities of its own. Experience the ultimate Royal Suite Class in the Suite Neighborhood, featuring a Suite Sun Deck with a plunge pool and bar, along with an exclusive restaurant - Coastal Kitchen.

Also Read:   What Is Special about Symphony of the Seas ?

All in all, Wonder of the Seas stands as a remarkable addition to Royal Caribbean's fleet, offering an unparalleled cruising experience. With its wide variety of amenities, entertainment options, and dining choices , this ship caters to the diverse preferences of travelers of all ages and interests. Its eight distinct neighborhoods provide a unique atmosphere and attractions, ensuring there's something for everyone to enjoy. Guests can immerse themselves in a variety of experiences throughout their voyage. Families will find endless opportunities for bonding and fun, with dedicated areas and activities tailored to children of all ages. 

Are Seabourn Cruises Adults Only?

Book Seabourn Cruises Seabourn Cruise Line stands as a beacon of luxury and sophistication in the world of cruising. Renowned for its luxury ships, excellent service, and curated itineraries, [...]

April 11, 2024

How Much Would an around the World Cruise Cost?

Book Cruises To World Cruise Traveling around the world with your loved ones is a dream that all of us want to achieve one day, and what better way to do so than through a cruise? This is one of [...]

What Are the Best Cruise Destinations for Hot Air Balloon Rides?

Book A Cruise Now A cruise offers the chance to aim higher rather than merely explore the ocean's depths. Hot air balloon rides provide tourists with the opportunity to see amazing sights from [...]

April 10, 2024

What Is the Best Time to Go on a Baltic Cruise?

Book Cruise Holidays Embarking on a Baltic cruise promises a journey through history, culture, and natural beauty. This Baltic region is a world treasure with many things to explore, from the [...]

Cruise Inquiry

Our cruise experts will help you to plan your perfect cruise vacation!

* I consent to receive communications by email or phone. I understand I may opt out at any time using the unsubscribe link provided in all communications. Please proceed to the Privacy Policy page or read our Terms & Conditions to understand how your data might be used.

We use cookies to give you the best online experience. By continuing to browse the site you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Privacy Policies

• Favorites & Watchlist Find a Cruise Cruise Deals Cruise Ships Destinations Manage My Cruise​ FAQ Perfect Day at CocoCay Weekend Cruises Crown & Anchor Society Cruising Guides Gift Cards Contact Us Royal Caribbean Group
• Back to Main Menu
• Search Cruises " id="rciHeaderSideNavSubmenu-2-1" class="headerSidenav__link" href="/cruises" target="_self"> Search Cruises
• Cruise Deals
• Weekend Cruises
• Last Minute Cruises
• Family Cruises​
• 2024-2025 Cruises
• All Cruise Ships " id="rciHeaderSideNavSubmenu-4-1" class="headerSidenav__link" href="/cruise-ships" target="_self"> All Cruise Ships
• Cruise Dining
• Onboard Activities
• Cruise Rooms
• The Cruise Experience
• All Cruise Destinations " id="rciHeaderSideNavSubmenu-5-1" class="headerSidenav__link" href="/cruise-destinations" target="_self"> All Cruise Destinations
• Cruise Ports
• Shore Excursions
• Perfect Day at CocoCay
• Caribbean Cruises
• Bahamas Cruises​
• Alaska Cruises
• European Cruises​
• Mediterranean Cruises​
• Cruise Planner
• Book a Flight
• Book a Hotel
• Check-In for My Cruise
• Required Travel Documents
• Make a Payment
• Redeem Cruise Credit
• Update Guest Information
• Beverage Packages​
• Dining Packages​
• Shore Excursions​
• Transportation
• Royal Gifts
• All FAQs " id="rciHeaderSideNavSubmenu-7-1" class="headerSidenav__link" href="/faq" target="_self"> All FAQs
• Boarding Requirements
• Future Cruise Credit​
• Travel Documents​
• Check-in​ & Boarding Pass
• Transportation​
• Perfect Day at CocoCay​
• Post-Cruise Inquiries
• Royal Caribbean
• Celebrity Cruises

3 Night Sampler Cruise

Your ship voyager of the seas.

DISCOVER ADVENTURE ON EVERY DECK

Typhoon℠ and Cyclone℠

Teen Spaces

FlowRider ®

Adventure Ocean ®

Gourmet globetrotting.

Chops Grille℠

Giovanni's Table

Chef's Table

Shows that hit every high note.

Broadway Rhythm & Rhyme

Ice Skating Shows

Schooner Bar

Day 1: brisbane, australia.

Get a 360 View

Local Cuisine

Day 2 - 3: cruising.

The Perfect Storm℠

Ice Skating

Day 4: brisbane, australia.

popular Shore Excursions

Amazing experiences coming soon..

10 Best Mediterranean Cruise Lines Our Readers Love

A cruise is a great way to explore the Mediterranean’s diverse culture, captivating history, stunning beauty, and of course, delectable cuisine — all while unpacking your suitcase just once. Our readers’ top 10 offers a variety of cruise experiences sure to suit every style.

1. Viking Cruises (Winner)

Viking’s goal is to immerse passengers in each destination through uniquely curated excursions and onboard presentations. Viking’s ocean ships are designed to access almost any port, giving you more time on the ground to explore with at least one free shore excursion included at every port — a Viking signature.

The onboard atmosphere is relaxed yet elegant with Viking’s minimalist, but beautiful, Scandinavian design throughout. Passengers love it because they’re not nickel-and-dimed once on board. The price you see includes free Wi-Fi, beer, wine, and soft drinks with meals, dining at any restaurant, and access to Viking’s unique Nordic Spa, with its exhilarating Snow Grotto, while onboard.

There are additional paid excursions offered at each port as well, and you can upgrade your beverage package to include additional wine and liquor options if you wish. One thing to know: All Viking guests must be 18 years or older.

2. Royal Caribbean International

Royal Caribbean sails several sizes of ships through the Mediterranean with anywhere from 2,700 to nearly 5,000 guests. While the goal in the Med is to get off the ship and explore the unique cultural options while in port, Royal Caribbean creates an environment where you don’t really need to leave the ship if you don’t want to.

The ships have an exhaustive list of onboard experiences including nightly live entertainment, specialty dining options, areas to play sports like pickleball, pools, and everything from salsa dancing to jewelry-making classes. The larger ships simply come with more to do, for everyone in the family, including waterslides, roller skating, and even bumper cars.

If you’re considering a Royal Caribbean cruise with grandkids, check out these tips .

3. Holland America Line

Holland America is marking a major milestone this year celebrating its 150th Anniversary . In the late 1800s, Holland first sailed immigrants looking for a new start from Europe to America. In fact, 10 percent of all immigrants sailed over on what was then called the Netherlands-American  Steamship Company. Today, the cruise line hosts Americans, and of course other nationalities, on its ships in the Mediterranean showing off the region’s vibrant and diverse cultures with thousands of unique excursions .

While the experiences off the ship are amazing, passengers also love the delicious cuisine on board . Holland America also has what they call “ Collectors’ Voyages ” allowing guests to book back-to-back trips, so you only have to unpack once, but enjoy twice as many destinations.

4. Celebrity Cruises

Celebrity Cruises describes itself as a “relaxed luxury resort at sea.” The cruise line provides a modern, yet dignified experience on board. Experience distinguished cuisine and cocktails, Broadway-quality shows and live music, plus enrichment and educational options that satisfy even the most inquisitive passenger. 

To top it off, Celebrity focuses on exceptional service, leaving passengers wanting nothing more.

5. Norwegian Cruise Line

Norwegian Cruise Line , or NCL, is known for bringing “freestyle cruising” to the industry. That means cruising the way you want, on your schedule, to enjoy your vacation, your way. You can leave your tux at home, there aren’t any set dinner times, and you’re not assigned to dine with the same group every night.

NCL also pays attention to solo travelers with studio rooms specifically designed for them. The set-up helps solo travelers avoid the dreaded single supplement.

Of course, NCL also offers quality entertainment, experiences, and cuisine. 

6. Disney Cruise Line

With Disney in the name, you know kids are going to love a Disney Cruise . Stories have been told of parents losing their children to the amazing, kids-only, onboard experiences day after day. While being a kid-at-heart always helps, Disney’s adults-only areas and attention to detail are what keep parents, and even travelers without children, coming back.

It’s obviously not all about Mickey when you’re exploring destinations with such a richness of culture as those in the Mediterranean. Disney’s meticulous service transitions seamlessly to its excursions offered on shore.

7. Oceania Cruises

One of the luxury cruise lines on the list, Oceania Cruises offers personalized service, a refined atmosphere on board, and amazing dining . In fact, they’ve trademarked the phrase “ The Finest Cuisine at Sea .” Famed French Chef Jacques Pepin has been the cruise line’s executive culinary director since 2003 and his attention to culinary detail shows in every dish presented. 

Oceania also maximizes its time in port with extended stays, immersive “Go Local” and “Go Green” excursions, and small group sizes. There’s evening entertainment, shopping, and even a casino on board, so you’ll need a variety of outfits to transition from day to night .

Oceania’s ships hold between 684 and 1,250 guests depending on the ship you choose. 

8. Princess Cruises

The original Love Boat , Princess Cruises prides itself on its “ Local Connections ” experience — pairing passengers with locals in each port to learn about the region from those who live there. The immersive experience on its Mediterranean cruises continues on board with regional dancers, chefs, and musicians.

There are also plenty of dining, cocktail, and entertainment opportunities on board, including productions from Wicked Composer Stephen Schwartz.

Princess plans to debut two new ships in the Mediterranean in 2025: Sun Princess and Star Princess . Both ships will carry more than 4,000 passengers.

9. Windstar Cruises

Windstar Cruises is known as a small ship leader in the industry with its vessels holding between a mere 148 and 350 passengers. Their small ships allow passengers time in ports that larger ships can’t access, like Old Town Dubrovnik in Croatia. One unique experience when you sail with Windstar is the opportunity to visit local markets with the ship’s chef. Windstar also partners with the James Beard Foundation, bringing the expertise of some of the most sought-after chefs in the world to your daily dining experience.

Another special treat, Windstar’s Watersports Platform gives you access to the Mediterranean’s beautiful blue water straight from the ship. Kayak, snorkel, stand-up paddleboard, or just jump right in.

Passengers love Windstar’s comfortable elegance and immersive shore excursions. 

10. Celestyal Cruises

It may be number 10 on the list, but Celestyal Cruises is number one in the hearts of passengers looking for an authentic Greek cruising experience. In fact, the cruise line prides itself on being Greek cruising experts. Greek culture is part of everything they do. Learn a bit of the Greek language or a traditional dance while on board. Enjoy authentic cuisine and cocktails at every meal, then take the experience even deeper with shore excursions carefully curated by its experts.

Celestyal Cruises also explores other areas of the eastern Mediterranean including Turkey, Egypt, Cyprus, and Israel.

Finally, hear it straight from the expert — one of Celestyal’s seasoned captains shared his eight essential tips for cruising the Greek Islands with us.

Read more from our 2023 Best Of Travel Awards .

This article originally appeared on TravelAwaits