4 day kimberley cruises

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KIMBERLEY EXPEDITION CRUISES

Welcome to the otherworldly Kimberley. Tucked along the northwestern corner of Australia, the Kimberley is one of the world’s last wild frontiers, from rugged sandstone peaks and gushing waterfalls, to desert expanses, sunken mangrove forests, and everything in between. Cruise through Montgomery Reef as the tides rush out, leaving sea turtles dotting their heads in its midst. Search for a lustrous, masterfully cultivated pearl on a local pearl farm. Splash through the spray of King George Falls, or take to the skies in an amphibious Mallard aircraft to watch tawny sharks swim below. Better yet, engage with the original land-owning communities and their cultural rites, including guided showings of the unique Gwion Gwion artwork they have curated for centuries.

Crystal-clear waters and gleaming pearls aside, our Kimberely expeditions stand out to guests who want to travel Australia, but also desire to expedition off the beaten path. Whether you are a well-seasoned traveler, wildlife enthusiast, natural history buff, or are simply seeking a new adventure in one of the most pristine places on Earth, experience this unique corner of the world with Seabourn.

The Kimberley Expedition Port Highlights

Included Expedition Experience

King George Falls

Prepare for the highlight of your trip, cruising with our Expedition Team on a Zodiac® to explore the highest twin waterfalls in Western Australia. They will skillfully maneuver the canyon that the river carved nearly 2 billion years ago, flanked by mesmerizing sandstone cliffs, to the thundering 250-foot falls that will plunge into the waters in front of you. 

This stop is full of beautiful, secluded beaches and tiny islands to explore. The real draw, though, is seeing the Gwion Gwion or Bradshaw rock art galleries that cover walls and caves in the area. Take a Zodiac® ride to Jar Island to see some of the oldest art in the world. Your Expedition Team will give you an interpretation of the drawings and a look at the fascinating history that accompanies them.

Montgomery Reef

Contemplate the raw transformation of the world’s largest inshore reef as you witness it appear and dip beneath the surface in some of the biggest tidal changes on Earth. As you explore one of the ‘greatest natural wonders of the world’, you’ll search for incredible marine wildlife in their natural habitat from your Zodiac® – dolphins, octopuses, fish, reef sharks, turtles, sea snakes and more. 

Talbot Bay Horizontal Waterfalls

Expect the unexpected amongst the spectacular rock formations and lush mangroves. Most waterfalls cascade vertically, but here tides push intense currents between narrow gorges to create a horizontal effect.

Featured Included Shore Excursions

Kuri Bay Pearl Farm

Traditional face painting ceremony, el questro park.

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Forged by nature and spanning more than 400,000 square kilometres, Australia's world-famous Kimberley Coast features a treasure trove of towering, fractured iron-tinged red cliffs, torrential waterfalls, azure waters, hidden coves and caves, secluded white sand beaches perfect for expedition cruising. Explore magnificent reefs and encounter rare and endangered wildlife; experience indigenous customs, rock art and connections to ancient lands; and discover the area's rich history on a Kimberley cruise with Heritage Expeditions.

Best explored by expedition vessel, Kimberley cruises aboard the luxurious Heritage Adventurer allow an up close and intimate exploration and immersion of this rugged wilderness where guests are dwarfed by nature on an unfathomable scale.

Led by a team of on board experts and local guides, our authentic expedition cruises along the Kimberley coast have been carefully curated to showcase the Kimberley's finest including ancient Aboriginal rock art; natural wonders Horizontal Falls, Montgomery and Ashmore Reef and King George Falls; World War II history at Vansittart Bay; early explorer history at Colonial Bay; the Lacepede and Bigge Islands and more. Travel is aboard our luxurious 140-guest expedition ship Heritage Adventurer which gives guests the option to experience this incredible landscape ship cruising poolside, on one of the many outdoor decks and in the Observation Lounge, by fleet of 14 Zodiacs ensuring no guest is left on board, and by foot on special landings. We hope you will join us aboard Heritage Adventurer on an in-depth expedition cruise of Australia's Kimberley coastline and islands as we discover its unspoiled nature, primeval wilderness and cultural treasures.

Discover an ancient landscape like no other on a bucket list, intimate expedition cruise of the untouched beauty of Australia's iconic Kimberley coast.

Plan your Kimberley tour today. Questions or ready to book your Kimberley voyage? Please contact us today or call toll free and speak with a Kimberley Travel Specialist.

Further reading

Australia expeditions, kimberley explorer: expedition cruising australia's iconic kimberley coast 20% off selected departures.

Join pioneering small ship expedition cruise company Heritage Expeditions on a thrilling in-depth exploration of Australia's world-famous Kimberley Coast, one of the world's most pristine and untouched wildernesses, aboard our luxurious, 140-guest expedition ship Heritage Adventurer.

11 Aug 2024, 21 Aug 2024 27 Jun 2025, 12 Aug 2025, 22 Aug 2025

Seabirds & Cetaceans of Australasia: An Epic East Coast Pelagic

Sail remote, uncharted Australian waters in the search for rare and elusive pelagic seabirds and cetaceans on this 9-day birding cruise passing Chesterfield Reefs, through the deep waters of the Coral Sea south to the edge of the Southern Ocean, all locations of an astounding diversity of seabirds.

15 Nov 2024

Our ship: Heritage Adventurer

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EXCLUSIVE BONUSES valued up to $1,190 (inc. 3 Free Nights PLUS a Tour AND a Dinner Voucher) with EVERY booking! See our Specials & Bonuses for details…

< back to kimberley quest ii itineraries, kimberley quest ii , luxury kimberley cruise, 4 day taste of the kimberley, broome to broome.

This 4 day ‘Taste of the Kimberley’ cruise showcases a fully operational Australian South Sea Pearl farm at Cygnet Bay. Cruise through the thousand islands of the Buccaneer Archipelago and visit icons including the incredible Horizontal Waterfalls and Montgomery Reef, Australia’s largest inshore reef. You will have the opportunity to view ancient indigenous rock art and to fish for the elusive barramundi in one of the many tidal creeks or inlets the Kimberley has to offer. Exploring this region aboard the well-appointed  Kimberley Quest II , accompanied by our luxury fast boat  Quest Express , will leave you with the taste for more!

DAY 1: BROOME – CYGNET BAY

A courtesy vehicle will pick you up from your accommodation in Broome at approximately 9.00am.

Your Quest begins with a transfer to Cygnet Bay Pearl Farm located on the Dampier Peninsular. On arrival, you will be transferred to the Kimberley Quest II, where you will be welcomed aboard by your captain and crew. Enjoy lunch whilst crossing King Sound, cruising through the thousand islands of the Buccaneer Archipelago; this is your first taste of the Kimberley. Cool off with a refreshing swim in one of many Kimberley freshwater pools, followed by a scenic tender excursion. This evening you can witness one of the spectacular Kimberley sunsets.

DAY 2: TALBOT BAY, KINGFISHER ISLANDS, SALE RIVER

This morning will find us exploring Talbot Bay, home to one of the icons of the Kimberley coast, the spectacular Horizontal Waterfalls. Taking an exhilarating ride through this natural phenomenon. Followed by your first taste of fishing for Giant Trevally, Mackerel, Tuna and Queenfish at the Kingfisher Islands.

In the afternoon, we explore the Sale River taking an excursion upstream for a dip in the spring-fed rainforest pools. Along the way we will point out ancient rock art from the excursion vessel.

  DAY 3: RAFT POINT, MONTGOMERY REEF, STRICKLAND BAY

This morning we cruise towards Steep Island, anchor below Raft Point and walk to the caves perched on the hill. Here is some of the finest well-preserved Wandjina art in the Kimberley. From the top, we have an amazing view of the Kimberley Coast.

Mid-morning, we cruise towards the amazing Montgomery Reef, which covers more than 300km², making it Australia’s largest inshore reef. Watch as the tide falls right before your eyes, creating a spectacular waterfall effect. Take a tender ride to view many marine species, including turtles and sea birds.

Later we explore Strickland Bay visiting old pearlers graves and joining our guides in search of the elusive Barramundi and Threadfin Salmon. Before unwinding on the sundeck capturing one last sunset aboard Kimberley Quest II.

DAY 4: CYGNET BAY – BROOME

Today, after one last breakfast, we disembark Kimberley Quest II. Followed by a Cygnet Bay Pearl Farm tour, offering you a rare glimpse into the life of an operational pearl farm. This experience will leave you with a deeper understanding of what makes this place unique! Here we wave goodbye with a transfer back to Broome. On arrival you will be transferred to your chosen accommodation.

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15 Kimberley cruises to experience for the adventure of a lifetime

Leah McLennan

Travel Journalist

18 October 2023

Are you ready for the trip of a lifetime? Cruising in the Kimberley serves up eye-popping beauty at every turn.

A rarely visited, ancient and pristine coastline, this slice of Western Australia is often referred to as one of the world’s last great wilderness areas. It’s a wonderland of secret waterfalls, rare birds and confetti-like islands.

Accessible by boat from Broome, Wyndham (via Kununurra) Darwin and Cygnet Bay Pearl Farm on the Dampier Peninsula, the epic journey is worth the effort . Whether you’re seeking a sophisticated atmosphere with butler service or an action-packed activity focused itinerary , there are a bunch of excellent Kimberley cruises out there.

1. The Great Escape Charter Company

Family-owned and run,  The Great Escape Charter Company  has a custom-built 26-metre luxury catamaran, MV Great Escape , which caters to just 14 lucky guests across seven stylish staterooms.

Sail by the majestic falls of the Kimberley with The Great Escape Charter Company.

Each suite has a queen bed, real-time TV, personal fridges and private bathroom. Importantly, a helicopter sits on the deck, providing access to those hard-to-reach places. On board you’ll find fine dining, a spa on the front deck, wi-fi and seven friendly crew members.

Settle into one of the cosy cabins.

2. True North

Highly regarded True North crafts itineraries with the goal of being “life changing” for guests. The family-owned company has two vessels that are purpose-built for the Kimberley and can journey to the upper reaches of shallow river systems.

Cruise the Kimberley with the highly regarded True North.

True North hosts 36 guests, while True North II whisks away 22 folks. Multiple adventure boats take guests in small groups to experience wilderness up close, and a helicopter helps explorers investigate hard-to-reach corners.

Get whisked off to the remote coastal wonders of the Kimberley like King George Falls. (Image: True North/ Tourism Australia)

Rooms feature king-sized, queen or twin single beds, original artwork, small fridges, private bathrooms with twin basins and TVs. Choose from shorter, seven-day cruises, longer 13-day events or specialist expeditions focusing on coast and coral.

True North Cabins can fit solo, duo or group cruisers.

3. Silversea Cruises

Embarking from either Broome or Darwin, Silversea Cruises’ Silver Cloud delivers the ultimate big boat luxury experience over 10 days. For the 200 passengers on board, all suites have butler service and ocean views. Twenty zodiac boats ferry guests to fishing spots and narrow waterways. Helicopter excursions to the four-tiered Mitchell Falls can be arranged, and historians, naturalists and geologists travel on board.

Make yourself at home in the luxurious cabins.

In between adventures, dine at one of the four restaurants or head to the fitness centre, beauty spa, photo studio or the lounge dedicated to cognac and cigars.

Scenic’s luxurious Scenic Eclipse II hosts 228 guests and offers 10 dining experiences, a beauty spa, state-of-the-art theatre, a large oval-shaped pool (swim jets allow you to swim “laps”) and butler service (relax, they’ll guide you through the pillow menu). Choose from eight cabin types, including the opulent spa suites with four-poster king beds, jacuzzi overlooking the private verandah, and oversized steam shower. If you need more space, snap up the 247-square metre two-bedroom penthouse suite.

Take advantage of the vitality pool onboard Scenic Eclipse II.

Helicopters and zodiac rides are at your fingertips, as is French champagne, on this 11-day itinerary from Darwin to Broome (or vice versa) that includes stops at the remote Buccaneer Archipelago and the Lacepede Islands.

5. Kimberley Expeditions

Step on board the 36-guest Reef Prince and find yourself cruising through towering gorges, zipping ‘down river’ in the excursion tenders and sneaking into secluded bays.

With a focus on affordability for guests, Kimberley Expeditions offers action-packed 11-day cruises from Broome to Darwin (and vice versa). All cabins have ensuites and either queen-sized, double, or twin single beds. With plenty of fishing equipment on board, guests often are treated to fresh Spanish mackerel, golden snapper and mudcrab for dinner.

6. Coral Expeditions

From humble beginnings on the Great Barrier Reef 40 years ago, Coral Expeditions has taken its unique style of Australian expedition cruising to the far-flung lands of the Kimberley, Tasmania , Papua New Guinea and more.

Venture across the majestic Hunter River onboard Coral Expeditions.

Join a 10-night cruise from Darwin or Broome and jump on board either the 72-guest Coral Discoverer  or the larger vessels, Coral Adventurer and  Coral Geographer , which both welcome 120 guests.

Take in incredible sunset views en route to the Kimberley.

Discover the reefs, coastline and remote gorges by zodiac or glass-bottom boat, plus step ashore to explore remote locations. For down time, enjoy the spacious suites, restaurants, bars, library and daily lecture program.

Montgomery Reef is a popular cruise destination in the Kimberley.

Indulge your Gallic side in the Kimberley with French cruise operator Ponant , which has over 35 years of experience in luxury small ship cruising. Set sail aboard Le Lapérouse or Le Jacques Cartier, each with 92 chic staterooms and suites, a pool, several bar areas, plus The Blue Eye, a lounge located below the waterline offering undersea views.

Luxurious Hermes bath products, Veuve Clicquot Champagne and macaroons are some of the unique offerings provided to guests on board Ponant. Spend your days exploring ancient walking trails and watching the region’s most incredible wildlife before returning to the ship for massage treatments, lectures by naturalists and to relax in the library. Cruises can be booked via Aptouring.

Set sail aboard Le Lapérouse. (Image: Studio Ponant Laure Patricot)

8. Seabourn

Those looking for a cruise line that sails to all seven continents will find that with Seabourn . The suites aboard Seabourn ships feature queen-size beds, an extra-large walk-in closet, an ocean view, and a dining area.   

Seabourn offers 10-day sailings between Broome and Darwin on the luxe Seabourn Pursuit . You’ll be joined by a team of world-renowned scientists, historians and naturalists and the expedition team will whisk you away on zodiac trips to wonders like the Horizontal Falls and Turtle Reef, home to dugongs, crocs and other sea creatures.

9. Heritage Expeditions

Join New Zealand’s family-owned and operated cruise company, Heritage Expeditions , for a Kimberley cruise aboard the luxury 140-guest Heritage Adventurer . Purpose-built for adventure, the ship is perfect for navigating the Kimberley’s intricate coast, islands and harbours and has a full fleet of zodiacs for excursions to secluded white sand beaches and remote bays.

Indulge in an awe-inducing Observation Lounge with a library and bar, or relax in the saltwater pool, hot tub, sauna and steam room. Savour gourmet cuisine from talented chefs across two lavish restaurants and settle into your spacious suite each night.

10. Horizontal Falls Seaplane Adventures

If you don’t have a week or two to spare, Horizontal Falls Seaplane Adventures  may be your best bet for an overnight adventure. Depart from Broome or Cygnet Bay Pearl Farm on the Dampier Peninsula on a seaplane and take a thrilling low-level flight over the heart of Horizontal Falls, before landing on the water where you’ll then transfer to a power boat.

Have barramundi for dinner, snorkel in the marine viewing platform, and stay overnight on the 10-room Jetwave Pearl . Each room has its own private bathroom, air-con and a comfortable bed.

Go sailing across the spectacular Horizontal Falls. (Image: Tourism Western Australia)

11. Kimberley Quest

Offering intimate small ship cruises, Kimberley Quest operates four-day all the way up to 21-day extended wilderness expeditions along the Kimberley coast, cruising between Broome and Wyndham.

Sail across Montgomery Reef with Kimberley Quest.

Their 25-metre Kimberley Quest II features indoor and outdoor alfresco areas, a spa and gourmet cuisine prepared by an on-board chef. Cruising with just 18 guests translates into a high level of personalised service and attention.

Pass through the wondrous Horizontal Falls.

12. Yotspace

For something even more exclusive, cruise the Kimberley onboard one of Yotspace’s superyacht charters. The 34-metre Akiko hosts just 10 guests across five luxury staterooms each with private ensuites, while the 35-metre Paradise also accommodates 10 lucky adventurers.

Week-long itineraries can be customized, allowing guests to immerse themselves in this remarkable region in peace. In between exploring, you can enjoy the yacht’s outdoor spa, sunset cocktails and the onboard chef’s gourmet creations.

Embark on a luxury Kimberley sailing experience with Yotspace.

13. Discovery One

Discovery One will take you on 10-to-14-night adventures along the pristine Kimberley coast. With just 22 passengers and a crew of six onboard Discovery One , there’s plenty of room for everyone on the 25-metre, four-level steel catamaran.

As for the off-board experiences the activity list is endless, with two tenders taking guests on excursions two to three times a day.

Go rock scrambling to level up your adventure in the Kimberley.

14. Kimberley Pearl Charters

Kimberley Pearl Charters offers seven, 10 and 13-night itineraries that are the perfect mix of adventure, exploration and indulgence.

Immerse yourself in Australia’s last frontier onboard Kimberley Pearl.

The newly renovated Kimberley Pearl boasts six cabins, one on the upper deck, two on the main and three below, all with private bathrooms.

Get ready for the ultimate cruise of a lifetime with Kimberley Pearl Charters.

15. Cygnet Bay

Take a Kimberley one-day cruise from Cygnet Bay , 200 kilometres north of Broome on the Dampier Peninsula. Cruise to Talbot Bay and get up close to the Horizontal Falls aboard the luxury purpose-built vessel Ohana.

Enjoy a cooked breakfast and seven-course degustation lunch and of course, a cocktail or two. If you want to stay longer, opt for the “soar, cruise and overnight stay” package.

Take a dreamy day trip cruise from Cygnet Bay. (Image: Tourism Western Australia)

For more ways to explore the Kimberley, read our guide to El Questro , choose between these unforgettable Horizontal Falls tours , and tick off these incredible wonders in Purnululu National Park.

Leah McLennan is a freelance writer based in Darwin. She was a journalist in Sydney for over a decade and counts her time as travel editor for Australian Associated Press as one of the highlights of her career. From exploring remote campsites in the Top End with her family, to seeking out new art galleries in faraway cities, she’ll grab an adventurous or arty travel experience within her reach.

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Why choose the Kimberley, which boat, & more.

• Coral Geographer
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- 4 Day Taste of the Kimberley Itinerary

Get a taste for the Kimberley with this 4 day cruise that showcases some of the best highlights of the stunning southern Kimberley region.

Exclusive Bonus Offer on all our cruises!

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Is The Right Cruise Ship For You?

BROOME – CYGNET BAY

Your Quest begins with a transfer to Cygnet Bay Pearl Farm located on the Dampier Peninsular. On your arrival, you will be transferred to the Kimberley Quest II, where you will be welcomed aboard by your captain and crew. Enjoy lunch whilst crossing King Sound, cruising through the thousand islands of the Buccaneer Archipelago; this is your first taste of the Kimberley. Cool off with a refreshing swim in one of many Kimberley freshwater pools, followed by a scenic tender excursion. This evening you can witness one of the spectacular Kimberley sunsets.

TALBOT BAY, DUGONG BAY & KINGFISHER ISLANDS

This morning will find us exploring Talbot Bay, home to one of the icons of the Kimberley coast; the spectacular Horizontal Falls. Take an exhilarating ride through this natural phenomenon and wonder at the amazing rock formations of Cyclone Creek. In and around Dugong Bay, we take a scenic tender excursion and cool off with a refreshing swim in one of the freshwater pools. Later in the day you will have your first taste of fishing for Giant Trevally, mackerel, tuna and queenfish at the Kingfisher Islands.

MONTGOMERY REEF, STRICKLAND BAY

This morning, we cruise towards the amazing Montgomery Reef, which covers more than 300km2, making it Australia’s largest inshore reef. Watch as the tide falls right before your eyes, creating a spectacular waterfall effect. Take a tender ride to view many marine species, including turtles and sea birds. Later we explore Strickland Bay visiting old pearlers graves and joining our guides in search of the elusive Barramundi and Threadfin Salmon. Before unwinding on the sun deck capturing one last sunset aboard Kimberley Quest II.

CYGNET BAY – BROOME

Today, after one last breakfast, we disembark Kimberley Quest II. Followed by a Cygnet Bay Pearl Farm tour, offering you a rare glimpse into the life of an operational pearl farm. This experience will leave you with a deeper understanding of what makes this place unique! Here we wave goodbye with a transfer back to Broome. On arrival you will be transferred to your chosen accommodation.

* All itineraries are indicative only. No two Kimberley cruises will be the same. Each cruise is tailored around the astounding 10+ metre tidal range, weather and sea conditions.

Taste of the Kimberley – 4 Day Kimberley Cruise

From AUD $4,990

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• Trips Dates

This 4 day cruise offers a taste of our renowned Quest itineraries and will see you visit some of the breathtaking scenery within the southern Kimberley. This ‘Taste of the Kimberley’ showcases a fully operational Australian South Sea Pearl farm at Cygnet Bay. Cruise through the thousand islands of the Buccaneer Archipelago and visit icons including the incredible Horizontal Waterfalls and Montgomery Reef, Australia’s largest inshore reef. You will have the opportunity to view ancient indigenous rock art and to fish for the elusive barramundi in one of the many tidal creeks or inlets the Kimberley has to offer. Exploring this region aboard the well-appointed Kimberley Quest II, accompanied by our luxury fast boat Quest Express, will leave you with the taste for more!

• Explore Talbot Bay, home to one of the icons of the Kimberley coast, the spectacular Horizontal Waterfalls
• Cruise towards the amazing Montgomery Reef, which covers more than 300km², making it Australia's largest inshore reef
• Discover Strickland Bay visiting old pearlers graves and joining your guides in search of the elusive Barramundi and Threadfin Salmon

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Visit the horizontal Falls

One-day journey

Uncover the wonders of the Kimberley Coast in a single day.

“The most breathtaking scenery I’ve ever seen, highly recommend this bucket list adventure.”

Alice Cannan

“Amazing from sunrise to sunset, this will remain in our memories forever!”

Cathy Stewart

“Fantastic boat with an awesome crew. Thanks for an incredibly memorable day.”

Dun Hulands

Discover the awe-inspiring beauty of the Kimberley in a brand new way.

For the first time ever, we’re offering visitors the chance to take a one day journey to the Horizontal Falls on our state-of-the-art vessel, Ohana, purpose-built for your comfort and safety to marvel at the wonders of the Buccaneer Archipelago.

From Broome

12 hours (approx), from $1,225, from cygnet bay, 8 hours (approx), experience the sacred horizontal falls.

Embark on a remarkable journey to witness the awe-inspiring Horizontal Falls, also known as Garaanngaddim. Carved by massive tidal shifts, these stunning oceanic formations in Western Australia’s Kimberley Region hold sacred significance for the Dambeemangarddee Traditional Owners.

While visitors are welcomed, it is essential to respect their cultural protocols and refrain from traversing the falls during high tides. The falls are believed to embody the Woongudd, the Creator Snake, and are revered as a symbol of ancient connections between land and sea. 

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14 Day Kimberley Cruise

The Ultimate wilderness cruise

This is the ultimate wilderness cruise along the whole Kimberley coast.  Cruising between Broome and Wyndham, this adventure really does have it all:

Witness amazing Kimberley icons such as the King George Falls, Berkeley River, Montgomery Reef and the Horizontal Falls to name a few.  Enjoy refreshing swims in fresh water holes, explore historical Aboriginal art sites, fish for the elusive Barramundi plus many other fish species and view the majestic gorges.

This cruise operates just after the wet season when the waterfalls are spectacular!

Keepsakes or memories?

What could be better to take home than the memories of an unforgettable experience? When you explore the Kimberley region with Kimberley Quest, that’s exactly what you’ll get. This landscape is truly unique and will take your breath away. Our 14 Day Ultimate Quest visits the highlights and icons of both the northern and southern Kimberley – it’s the complete package! Join us as we visit the most remarkable and beautiful of these locations, for a once-in-a-lifetime experience that will make memories to last you a lifetime.

Considering a shorter cruise?

If you are looking for something shorter, why not check out our  10 Day Kimberley cruise ?

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10 Night Scenic Eclipse Kimberley Cruise

Cruise the Kimberley coast onboard luxury expedition ship, Scenic Eclipse, with gourmet dining and immersive excursions by Zodiac® with specialist guides

Discover the Kimberley coast on this all-inclusive 10-night cruise onboard Scenic's ultra-luxury discovery yacht Scenic Eclipse. The cruise follows the Kimberley coastline from Broome to Darwin (or reverse), exploring remote islands, hidden reefs, dramatic gorges and waterfalls, with unique bird and marine life to discover en route. A fleet of Zodiacs® and kayaks make it easy for guests to get up close to the ancient sites of the Kimberley, led by Scenic's team of specialist guides. Iconic sites visited include Montgomery Reef and Horizontal Falls, King George and Prince Regent River, and the Mitchell Falls is accessible by heli excursion (cost applies). Highlights of life onboard Scenic Eclipse include a Spa Sanctuary and exceptional all-inclusive dining at the ship's seven bars and restaurants. At the end of each day, return to your suite and its private verandah for a sunset drink while the Kimberley landscape passes by.

Luxury small-ship cruising

Discover renowned Wandjina (Kaiara or Sea Wandjina) spirit paintings and ancient Gwion Gwion rock art

Explore Kimberley icons including King George River and the Horizontal Falls

Kayaking, stand-up paddle boarding, snorkelling & other activities

Spot manta rays, dolphins, black-tipped reef sharks, green turtles or dugongs

• 10 nights onboard Scenic Eclipse in a Verandah Suite (suite upgrades available)
• All-inclusive meals, with up to ten unique dining experiences available
• Unlimited premium beverages (excluding a small selection of rare, fine and vintage options)
• Full in-suite mini-bar re-stocked daily
• Services of a butler for every guest
• All activities including discovery excursions and immersive experiences*
• Snorkelling equipment, kayaks and SUPs

* Additional costs apply for helicopter excursions; cabin prices are subject to change based on availability, preferred cabin and date of departure and booking date

Special offer : Enjoy Walk into Luxury's complimentary chauffeur service to and from your home airport with any Scenic Eclipse booking (country and metro area limits apply)

This journey departs from Broome and concludes in Darwin. A reverse journey is also available. Pre and post trip transfers, accommodation and experiences can be arranged by Walk into Luxury.

Your Kimberley experience begins in Broome, a charming outback town where the red desert collides with the turquoise Indian Ocean lapping onto pristine white sands. Founded as a pearling port in the 1880s, Broome still produces some of the finest pearls in the world today. After boarding Scenic Eclipse in the afternoon, settle into your spacious suite and enjoy the first destination of this incredible journey.

Included: D

The stunning coast of Lacepede Islands Nature Reserve was named by French explorer Baudin in 1801 to commemorate his naturalist compatriot, Count Lacepede. In the past, Macassan boats used for fishing trepang (sea cucumbers) frequented these islands, but today they are an important nesting site for green turtles, and home to large colonies of lesser frigate birds and brown boobies. An optional Discovery Tour onboard the ship's fleet of Zodiacs® is available today

Included: B - L - D

Overnight, your Discovery Yacht will cruise across the mouth of King Sound into the Buccaneer Archipelago. This spectacular maze of more than 800 islands is jaw-dropping for its vivid colours: iron-rich red rock, green pockets of lush rainforest, striking turquoise ocean and pristine white beaches. Enjoy the picturesque scenery while you relax onboard in ultra-luxury.

Talbot Bay’s spectacular Horizontal Waterfalls are a natural wonder to tick off your Australian bucket list. This phenomenon is caused by a unique combination of geology and massive tidal surges. If time and tides permit, you may have the opportunity to go through these fascinating falls and around the narrow waterways of Talbot Bay in a Zodiac®. If you're feeling adventurous, embark on a challenging 9.5-kilometre walk into the Kimberley’s remote wilderness.

Magically rising out of the sea at low tide, Montgomery Reef is a transient landscape of coral reefs and waterfalls rich with marine life. Green turtles often swim in the narrow corridors of coral around the edge of the reef, so keep your eyes peeled. Take a Zodiac® cruise with your expert Discovery Team around the waterfalls and try to spot manta rays, dolphins, black-tipped reef sharks or dugongs. You will also visit Raft Point, an imposing bluff in the middle of Doubtful Bay, home to an impressive indigenous rock art gallery.

Bigge Island is a haunting place of great silence where you’ll gain a true sense of the antiquity of our country. Rise early this morning to see the renowned Wandjina (Kaiara or Sea Wandjina) spirit paintings whose origins remain shrouded in mystery and controversy. Time and weather permitting, you can walk to the far side of the island to view the unique Gwion Gwion (Bradshaw) paintings. Today's Discovery Excursion allows you to immerse yourself in the local culture during a traditional smoking ceremony, followed by tea with local indigenous artists.

Located in Prince Regent National Park, the Hunter River is flanked by pockets of rainforest, vast swathes of mangroves and soaring red cliffs. Explore this magical waterway, which is said to have the highest proportion of saltwater crocodiles in the Kimberley. Depending on the tide levels, we plan to explore the stunning surroundings by Zodiac®. Admire sandstone cliffs, pristine mangrove forests and inlets of Prince Frederick Sound. Keep your eyes open for large saltwater crocodiles that make these waters their home; in the air, be on the lookout for ospreys while you soak in this natural wonderland hardly touched by man. Later you’ll have the opportunity to venture further into the outback to Mitchell Falls on a helicopter excursion.* See the dramatic four-tiered waterfall that has been carved out over millennia. Its deep emerald pools contrast with the rugged red sandstone of the Mitchell Plateau, creating a mesmerising oasis.

* Additional cost applies

Enjoy a relaxing morning at sea. Scenic Eclipse II will position itself off this stunning marine sanctuary in Ashmore Reef. Uninhabited by humans, the islands are home to an abundance of life. The reef is internationally recognized for more than 40 species of sea birds that flock here, along with an array of underwater wonders. This stop will provide you with a welcome opportunity to swim, snorkel or enjoy a Zodiac® cruise.

An overnight journey onboard your luxurious Discovery Yacht brings you into the protected Vansittart Bay. Today Scenic Eclipse II will stop just off Jar Island, located in the southwest corner of the bay. Following a Zodiac® ride to a small beach, step ashore for a hike to view the ancient and mysterious Gwion Gwion rock paintings which date back some 15,000 to 20,000 years.

At 112 kilometres long and with a sheer drop of 100 metres, the thundering twin falls of King George River are an unforgettable experience. Make your way along the river’s tranquil waters, and through towering gorges which are home to Brahminy kites, egrets, and kingfishers. As your Zodiac® weaves past the spectacular 80-meter-high sandstone cliffs and mangrove forests, look out for crocodiles basking in the sun. The river is of high cultural significance to the Balangagarra people, with the falls representing the male and female Wunkurr rainbow serpent.

Your unforgettable Discovery Voyage comes to an end today; it is time to bid farewell to your friendly crew and new friends as you disembark in Darwin this morning.

Included: B

Note: This is an indicative cruise itinerary which may vary for select departure dates and seasons. Please check with your Journey Designer if you have any questions about the specific inclusions on your preferred departure date before booking. As with all cruising, weather and other conditions may impact the daily schedule while cruising, and the Captain will determine any changes in the guests' interests.

Departs in May, June, July, August

Departure dates are available in the Kimberley dry season from May to August, commencing in the 2024 cruise season. Enquire now

Combine with

Accommodation

Long regarded as Broome’s best accommodation, Cable Beach Club is a luxury resort and spa located right on the popular beach.

4 Night Private Walk

Discover the best of the Kimberley on foot and by air, and the gorges and waterfalls of El Questro on this luxury lodge-based journey

Bamurru Plains is set on 300 square kilometres of floodplains and savanna woodlands on the Mary River, at the edge of Kakadu National Park.

Mindil Beach Resort offers the only rooms with swim-out pool access in Darwin, and the pool is something special with its pale blue water, sandy shore, swim-up pool bar and sheer size.

The best luxury accommodation in the Kimberley and one of the Luxury Lodges of Australia, El Questro Homestead offers the freedom to explore one of Australia’s last true frontiers in absolute comfort

Situated on the edge of the remote East Kimberley near the WA and Northern Territory border, Bullo River is a 500,000 acre working cattle station offering outback hospitality and unique immersive experiences for guests.

Enjoy poolside cocktails and ocean views at the Mangrove Hotel overlooking Roebuck Bay in beautiful Broome

Your stay at Sal Salis is inclusive of all meals, beverages, complimentary snorkelling and non-motorised watersports, plus twice-daily guided activities

Shore Thing is Sail Ningaloo’s purpose built live-aboard 51 foot catamaran which accommodates just 10 guests.

The Ghan is known as one of the world's great train journeys travelling from coast to coast Adelaide to Darwin through the red centre of Australia.

COMO The Treasury is one of Australia's premier boutique hotels, and the perfect staging point for a West Australian luxury journey.

Get in touch

Start planning your scenic kimberley cruise with walk into luxury.

To find out more about this journey or discuss a personalised trip, please get in touch

Let us plan an exceptional journey tailored just for you

Begin your journey today, discover australia, nz and beyond on a private journey or walk.

Crying Myself to Sleep on the Biggest Cruise Ship Ever

Seven agonizing nights aboard the Icon of the Seas

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Updated at 2:44 p.m. ET on April 6, 2024.

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MY FIRST GLIMPSE of Royal Caribbean’s Icon of the Seas, from the window of an approaching Miami cab, brings on a feeling of vertigo, nausea, amazement, and distress. I shut my eyes in defense, as my brain tells my optic nerve to try again.

The ship makes no sense, vertically or horizontally. It makes no sense on sea, or on land, or in outer space. It looks like a hodgepodge of domes and minarets, tubes and canopies, like Istanbul had it been designed by idiots. Vibrant, oversignifying colors are stacked upon other such colors, decks perched over still more decks; the only comfort is a row of lifeboats ringing its perimeter. There is no imposed order, no cogent thought, and, for those who do not harbor a totalitarian sense of gigantomania, no visual mercy. This is the biggest cruise ship ever built, and I have been tasked with witnessing its inaugural voyage.

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“Author embarks on their first cruise-ship voyage” has been a staple of American essay writing for almost three decades, beginning with David Foster Wallace’s “A Supposedly Fun Thing I’ll Never Do Again,” which was first published in 1996 under the title “Shipping Out.” Since then, many admirable writers have widened and diversified the genre. Usually the essayist commissioned to take to the sea is in their first or second flush of youth and is ready to sharpen their wit against the hull of the offending vessel. I am 51, old and tired, having seen much of the world as a former travel journalist, and mostly what I do in both life and prose is shrug while muttering to my imaginary dachshund, “This too shall pass.” But the Icon of the Seas will not countenance a shrug. The Icon of the Seas is the Linda Loman of cruise ships, exclaiming that attention must be paid. And here I am in late January with my one piece of luggage and useless gray winter jacket and passport, zipping through the Port of Miami en route to the gangway that will separate me from the bulk of North America for more than seven days, ready to pay it in full.

The aforementioned gangway opens up directly onto a thriving mall (I will soon learn it is imperiously called the “Royal Promenade”), presently filled with yapping passengers beneath a ceiling studded with balloons ready to drop. Crew members from every part of the global South, as well as a few Balkans, are shepherding us along while pressing flutes of champagne into our hands. By a humming Starbucks, I drink as many of these as I can and prepare to find my cabin. I show my blue Suite Sky SeaPass Card (more on this later, much more) to a smiling woman from the Philippines, and she tells me to go “aft.” Which is where, now? As someone who has rarely sailed on a vessel grander than the Staten Island Ferry, I am confused. It turns out that the aft is the stern of the ship, or, for those of us who don’t know what a stern or an aft are, its ass. The nose of the ship, responsible for separating the waves before it, is also called a bow, and is marked for passengers as the FWD , or forward. The part of the contemporary sailing vessel where the malls are clustered is called the midship. I trust that you have enjoyed this nautical lesson.

I ascend via elevator to my suite on Deck 11. This is where I encounter my first terrible surprise. My suite windows and balcony do not face the ocean. Instead, they look out onto another shopping mall. This mall is the one that’s called Central Park, perhaps in homage to the Olmsted-designed bit of greenery in the middle of my hometown. Although on land I would be delighted to own a suite with Central Park views, here I am deeply depressed. To sail on a ship and not wake up to a vast blue carpet of ocean? Unthinkable.

Allow me a brief preamble here. The story you are reading was commissioned at a moment when most staterooms on the Icon were sold out. In fact, so enthralled by the prospect of this voyage were hard-core mariners that the ship’s entire inventory of guest rooms (the Icon can accommodate up to 7,600 passengers, but its inaugural journey was reduced to 5,000 or so for a less crowded experience) was almost immediately sold out. Hence, this publication was faced with the shocking prospect of paying nearly $19,000 to procure for this solitary passenger an entire suite—not including drinking expenses—all for the privilege of bringing you this article. But the suite in question doesn’t even have a view of the ocean! I sit down hard on my soft bed. Nineteen thousand dollars for this .

The viewless suite does have its pluses. In addition to all the Malin+Goetz products in my dual bathrooms, I am granted use of a dedicated Suite Deck lounge; access to Coastal Kitchen, a superior restaurant for Suites passengers; complimentary VOOM SM Surf & Stream (“the fastest Internet at Sea”) “for one device per person for the whole cruise duration”; a pair of bathrobes (one of which comes prestained with what looks like a large expectoration by the greenest lizard on Earth); and use of the Grove Suite Sun, an area on Decks 18 and 19 with food and deck chairs reserved exclusively for Suite passengers. I also get reserved seating for a performance of The Wizard of Oz , an ice-skating tribute to the periodic table, and similar provocations. The very color of my Suite Sky SeaPass Card, an oceanic blue as opposed to the cloying royal purple of the standard non-Suite passenger, will soon provoke envy and admiration. But as high as my status may be, there are those on board who have much higher status still, and I will soon learn to bow before them.

In preparation for sailing, I have “priced in,” as they say on Wall Street, the possibility that I may come from a somewhat different monde than many of the other cruisers. Without falling into stereotypes or preconceptions, I prepare myself for a friendly outspokenness on the part of my fellow seafarers that may not comply with modern DEI standards. I believe in meeting people halfway, and so the day before flying down to Miami, I visited what remains of Little Italy to purchase a popular T-shirt that reads DADDY’S LITTLE MEATBALL across the breast in the colors of the Italian flag. My wife recommended that I bring one of my many T-shirts featuring Snoopy and the Peanuts gang, as all Americans love the beagle and his friends. But I naively thought that my meatball T-shirt would be more suitable for conversation-starting. “Oh, and who is your ‘daddy’?” some might ask upon seeing it. “And how long have you been his ‘little meatball’?” And so on.

I put on my meatball T-shirt and head for one of the dining rooms to get a late lunch. In the elevator, I stick out my chest for all to read the funny legend upon it, but soon I realize that despite its burnished tricolor letters, no one takes note. More to the point, no one takes note of me. Despite my attempts at bridge building, the very sight of me (small, ethnic, without a cap bearing the name of a football team) elicits no reaction from other passengers. Most often, they will small-talk over me as if I don’t exist. This brings to mind the travails of David Foster Wallace , who felt so ostracized by his fellow passengers that he retreated to his cabin for much of his voyage. And Wallace was raised primarily in the Midwest and was a much larger, more American-looking meatball than I am. If he couldn’t talk to these people, how will I? What if I leave this ship without making any friends at all, despite my T-shirt? I am a social creature, and the prospect of seven days alone and apart is saddening. Wallace’s stateroom, at least, had a view of the ocean, a kind of cheap eternity.

Worse awaits me in the dining room. This is a large, multichandeliered room where I attended my safety training (I was shown how to put on a flotation vest; it is a very simple procedure). But the maître d’ politely refuses me entry in an English that seems to verge on another language. “I’m sorry, this is only for pendejos ,” he seems to be saying. I push back politely and he repeats himself. Pendejos ? Piranhas? There’s some kind of P-word to which I am not attuned. Meanwhile elderly passengers stream right past, powered by their limbs, walkers, and electric wheelchairs. “It is only pendejo dining today, sir.” “But I have a suite!” I say, already starting to catch on to the ship’s class system. He examines my card again. “But you are not a pendejo ,” he confirms. I am wearing a DADDY’S LITTLE MEATBALL T-shirt, I want to say to him. I am the essence of pendejo .

Eventually, I give up and head to the plebeian buffet on Deck 15, which has an aquatic-styled name I have now forgotten. Before gaining entry to this endless cornucopia of reheated food, one passes a washing station of many sinks and soap dispensers, and perhaps the most intriguing character on the entire ship. He is Mr. Washy Washy—or, according to his name tag, Nielbert of the Philippines—and he is dressed as a taco (on other occasions, I’ll see him dressed as a burger). Mr. Washy Washy performs an eponymous song in spirited, indeed flamboyant English: “Washy, washy, wash your hands, WASHY WASHY!” The dangers of norovirus and COVID on a cruise ship this size (a giant fellow ship was stricken with the former right after my voyage) makes Mr. Washy Washy an essential member of the crew. The problem lies with the food at the end of Washy’s rainbow. The buffet is groaning with what sounds like sophisticated dishes—marinated octopus, boiled egg with anchovy, chorizo, lobster claws—but every animal tastes tragically the same, as if there was only one creature available at the market, a “cruisipus” bred specifically for Royal Caribbean dining. The “vegetables” are no better. I pick up a tomato slice and look right through it. It tastes like cellophane. I sit alone, apart from the couples and parents with gaggles of children, as “We Are Family” echoes across the buffet space.

I may have failed to mention that all this time, the Icon of the Seas has not left port. As the fiery mango of the subtropical setting sun makes Miami’s condo skyline even more apocalyptic, the ship shoves off beneath a perfunctory display of fireworks. After the sun sets, in the far, dark distance, another circus-lit cruise ship ruptures the waves before us. We glance at it with pity, because it is by definition a smaller ship than our own. I am on Deck 15, outside the buffet and overlooking a bunch of pools (the Icon has seven of them), drinking a frilly drink that I got from one of the bars (the Icon has 15 of them), still too shy to speak to anyone, despite Sister Sledge’s assertion that all on the ship are somehow related.

Kim Brooks: On failing the family vacation

The ship’s passage away from Ron DeSantis’s Florida provides no frisson, no sense of developing “sea legs,” as the ship is too large to register the presence of waves unless a mighty wind adds significant chop. It is time for me to register the presence of the 5,000 passengers around me, even if they refuse to register mine. My fellow travelers have prepared for this trip with personally decorated T-shirts celebrating the importance of this voyage. The simplest ones say ICON INAUGURAL ’24 on the back and the family name on the front. Others attest to an over-the-top love of cruise ships: WARNING! MAY START TALKING ABOUT CRUISING . Still others are artisanally designed and celebrate lifetimes spent married while cruising (on ships, of course). A couple possibly in their 90s are wearing shirts whose backs feature a drawing of a cruise liner, two flamingos with ostensibly male and female characteristics, and the legend “ HUSBAND AND WIFE Cruising Partners FOR LIFE WE MAY NOT HAVE IT All Together BUT TOGETHER WE HAVE IT ALL .” (The words not in all caps have been written in cursive.) A real journalist or a more intrepid conversationalist would have gone up to the couple and asked them to explain the longevity of their marriage vis-à-vis their love of cruising. But instead I head to my mall suite, take off my meatball T-shirt, and allow the first tears of the cruise to roll down my cheeks slowly enough that I briefly fall asleep amid the moisture and salt.

I WAKE UP with a hangover. Oh God. Right. I cannot believe all of that happened last night. A name floats into my cobwebbed, nauseated brain: “Ayn Rand.” Jesus Christ.

I breakfast alone at the Coastal Kitchen. The coffee tastes fine and the eggs came out of a bird. The ship rolls slightly this morning; I can feel it in my thighs and my schlong, the parts of me that are most receptive to danger.

I had a dangerous conversation last night. After the sun set and we were at least 50 miles from shore (most modern cruise ships sail at about 23 miles an hour), I lay in bed softly hiccupping, my arms stretched out exactly like Jesus on the cross, the sound of the distant waves missing from my mall-facing suite, replaced by the hum of air-conditioning and children shouting in Spanish through the vents of my two bathrooms. I decided this passivity was unacceptable. As an immigrant, I feel duty-bound to complete the tasks I am paid for, which means reaching out and trying to understand my fellow cruisers. So I put on a normal James Perse T-shirt and headed for one of the bars on the Royal Promenade—the Schooner Bar, it was called, if memory serves correctly.

I sat at the bar for a martini and two Negronis. An old man with thick, hairy forearms drank next to me, very silent and Hemingwaylike, while a dreadlocked piano player tinkled out a series of excellent Elton John covers. To my right, a young white couple—he in floral shorts, she in a light, summery miniskirt with a fearsome diamond ring, neither of them in football regalia—chatted with an elderly couple. Do it , I commanded myself. Open your mouth. Speak! Speak without being spoken to. Initiate. A sentence fragment caught my ear from the young woman, “Cherry Hill.” This is a suburb of Philadelphia in New Jersey, and I had once been there for a reading at a synagogue. “Excuse me,” I said gently to her. “Did you just mention Cherry Hill? It’s a lovely place.”

As it turned out, the couple now lived in Fort Lauderdale (the number of Floridians on the cruise surprised me, given that Southern Florida is itself a kind of cruise ship, albeit one slowly sinking), but soon they were talking with me exclusively—the man potbellied, with a chin like a hard-boiled egg; the woman as svelte as if she were one of the many Ukrainian members of the crew—the elderly couple next to them forgotten. This felt as groundbreaking as the first time I dared to address an American in his native tongue, as a child on a bus in Queens (“On my foot you are standing, Mister”).

“I don’t want to talk politics,” the man said. “But they’re going to eighty-six Biden and put Michelle in.”

I considered the contradictions of his opening conversational gambit, but decided to play along. “People like Michelle,” I said, testing the waters. The husband sneered, but the wife charitably put forward that the former first lady was “more personable” than Joe Biden. “They’re gonna eighty-six Biden,” the husband repeated. “He can’t put a sentence together.”

After I mentioned that I was a writer—though I presented myself as a writer of teleplays instead of novels and articles such as this one—the husband told me his favorite writer was Ayn Rand. “Ayn Rand, she came here with nothing,” the husband said. “I work with a lot of Cubans, so …” I wondered if I should mention what I usually do to ingratiate myself with Republicans or libertarians: the fact that my finances improved after pass-through corporations were taxed differently under Donald Trump. Instead, I ordered another drink and the couple did the same, and I told him that Rand and I were born in the same city, St. Petersburg/Leningrad, and that my family also came here with nothing. Now the bonding and drinking began in earnest, and several more rounds appeared. Until it all fell apart.

Read: Gary Shteyngart on watching Russian television for five days straight

My new friend, whom I will refer to as Ayn, called out to a buddy of his across the bar, and suddenly a young couple, both covered in tattoos, appeared next to us. “He fucking punked me,” Ayn’s frat-boy-like friend called out as he put his arm around Ayn, while his sizable partner sizzled up to Mrs. Rand. Both of them had a look I have never seen on land—their eyes projecting absence and enmity in equal measure. In the ’90s, I drank with Russian soldiers fresh from Chechnya and wandered the streets of wartime Zagreb, but I have never seen such undisguised hostility toward both me and perhaps the universe at large. I was briefly introduced to this psychopathic pair, but neither of them wanted to have anything to do with me, and the tattooed woman would not even reveal her Christian name to me (she pretended to have the same first name as Mrs. Rand). To impress his tattooed friends, Ayn made fun of the fact that as a television writer, I’d worked on the series Succession (which, it would turn out, practically nobody on the ship had watched), instead of the far more palatable, in his eyes, zombie drama of last year. And then my new friends drifted away from me into an angry private conversation—“He punked me!”—as I ordered another drink for myself, scared of the dead-eyed arrivals whose gaze never registered in the dim wattage of the Schooner Bar, whose terrifying voices and hollow laughs grated like unoiled gears against the crooning of “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road.”

But today is a new day for me and my hangover. After breakfast, I explore the ship’s so-called neighborhoods . There’s the AquaDome, where one can find a food hall and an acrobatic sound-and-light aquatic show. Central Park has a premium steak house, a sushi joint, and a used Rolex that can be bought for $8,000 on land here proudly offered at $17,000. There’s the aforementioned Royal Promenade, where I had drunk with the Rands, and where a pair of dueling pianos duel well into the night. There’s Surfside, a kids’ neighborhood full of sugary garbage, which looks out onto the frothy trail that the behemoth leaves behind itself. Thrill Island refers to the collection of tubes that clutter the ass of the ship and offer passengers six waterslides and a surfing simulation. There’s the Hideaway, an adult zone that plays music from a vomit-slathered, Brit-filled Alicante nightclub circa 1996 and proves a big favorite with groups of young Latin American customers. And, most hurtfully, there’s the Suite Neighborhood.

I say hurtfully because as a Suite passenger I should be here, though my particular suite is far from the others. Whereas I am stuck amid the riffraff of Deck 11, this section is on the highborn Decks 16 and 17, and in passing, I peek into the spacious, tall-ceilinged staterooms from the hallway, dazzled by the glint of the waves and sun. For $75,000, one multifloor suite even comes with its own slide between floors, so that a family may enjoy this particular terror in private. There is a quiet splendor to the Suite Neighborhood. I see fewer stickers and signs and drawings than in my own neighborhood—for example, MIKE AND DIANA PROUDLY SERVED U.S. MARINE CORPS RETIRED . No one here needs to announce their branch of service or rank; they are simply Suites, and this is where they belong. Once again, despite my hard work and perseverance, I have been disallowed from the true American elite. Once again, I am “Not our class, dear.” I am reminded of watching The Love Boat on my grandmother’s Zenith, which either was given to her or we found in the trash (I get our many malfunctioning Zeniths confused) and whose tube got so hot, I would put little chunks of government cheese on a thin tissue atop it to give our welfare treat a pleasant, Reagan-era gooeyness. I could not understand English well enough then to catch the nuances of that seafaring program, but I knew that there were differences in the status of the passengers, and that sometimes those differences made them sad. Still, this ship, this plenty—every few steps, there are complimentary nachos or milkshakes or gyros on offer—was the fatty fuel of my childhood dreams. If only I had remained a child.

I walk around the outdoor decks looking for company. There is a middle-aged African American couple who always seem to be asleep in each other’s arms, probably exhausted from the late capitalism they regularly encounter on land. There is far more diversity on this ship than I expected. Many couples are a testament to Loving v. Virginia , and there is a large group of folks whose T-shirts read MELANIN AT SEA / IT’S THE MELANIN FOR ME . I smile when I see them, but then some young kids from the group makes Mr. Washy Washy do a cruel, caricatured “Burger Dance” (today he is in his burger getup), and I think, Well, so much for intersectionality .

At the infinity pool on Deck 17, I spot some elderly women who could be ethnic and from my part of the world, and so I jump in. I am proved correct! Many of them seem to be originally from Queens (“Corona was still great when it was all Italian”), though they are now spread across the tristate area. We bond over the way “Ron-kon-koma” sounds when announced in Penn Station.

“Everyone is here for a different reason,” one of them tells me. She and her ex-husband last sailed together four years ago to prove to themselves that their marriage was truly over. Her 15-year-old son lost his virginity to “an Irish young lady” while their ship was moored in Ravenna, Italy. The gaggle of old-timers competes to tell me their favorite cruising stories and tips. “A guy proposed in Central Park a couple of years ago”—many Royal Caribbean ships apparently have this ridiculous communal area—“and she ran away screaming!” “If you’re diamond-class, you get four drinks for free.” “A different kind of passenger sails out of Bayonne.” (This, perhaps, is racially coded.) “Sometimes, if you tip the bartender $5, your next drink will be free.”

“Everyone’s here for a different reason,” the woman whose marriage ended on a cruise tells me again. “Some people are here for bad reasons—the drinkers and the gamblers. Some people are here for medical reasons.” I have seen more than a few oxygen tanks and at least one woman clearly undergoing very serious chemo. Some T-shirts celebrate good news about a cancer diagnosis. This might be someone’s last cruise or week on Earth. For these women, who have spent months, if not years, at sea, cruising is a ritual as well as a life cycle: first love, last love, marriage, divorce, death.

Read: The last place on Earth any tourist should go

I have talked with these women for so long, tonight I promise myself that after a sad solitary dinner I will not try to seek out company at the bars in the mall or the adult-themed Hideaway. I have enough material to fulfill my duties to this publication. As I approach my orphaned suite, I run into the aggro young people who stole Mr. and Mrs. Rand away from me the night before. The tattooed apparitions pass me without a glance. She is singing something violent about “Stuttering Stanley” (a character in a popular horror movie, as I discover with my complimentary VOOM SM Surf & Stream Internet at Sea) and he’s loudly shouting about “all the money I’ve lost,” presumably at the casino in the bowels of the ship.

So these bent psychos out of a Cormac McCarthy novel are angrily inhabiting my deck. As I mewl myself to sleep, I envision a limited series for HBO or some other streamer, a kind of low-rent White Lotus , where several aggressive couples conspire to throw a shy intellectual interloper overboard. I type the scenario into my phone. As I fall asleep, I think of what the woman who recently divorced her husband and whose son became a man through the good offices of the Irish Republic told me while I was hoisting myself out of the infinity pool. “I’m here because I’m an explorer. I’m here because I’m trying something new.” What if I allowed myself to believe in her fantasy?

“YOU REALLY STARTED AT THE TOP,” they tell me. I’m at the Coastal Kitchen for my eggs and corned-beef hash, and the maître d’ has slotted me in between two couples. Fueled by coffee or perhaps intrigued by my relative youth, they strike up a conversation with me. As always, people are shocked that this is my first cruise. They contrast the Icon favorably with all the preceding liners in the Royal Caribbean fleet, usually commenting on the efficiency of the elevators that hurl us from deck to deck (as in many large corporate buildings, the elevators ask you to choose a floor and then direct you to one of many lifts). The couple to my right, from Palo Alto—he refers to his “porn mustache” and calls his wife “my cougar” because she is two years older—tell me they are “Pandemic Pinnacles.”

This is the day that my eyes will be opened. Pinnacles , it is explained to me over translucent cantaloupe, have sailed with Royal Caribbean for 700 ungodly nights. Pandemic Pinnacles took advantage of the two-for-one accrual rate of Pinnacle points during the pandemic, when sailing on a cruise ship was even more ill-advised, to catapult themselves into Pinnacle status.

Because of the importance of the inaugural voyage of the world’s largest cruise liner, more than 200 Pinnacles are on this ship, a startling number, it seems. Mrs. Palo Alto takes out a golden badge that I have seen affixed over many a breast, which reads CROWN AND ANCHOR SOCIETY along with her name. This is the coveted badge of the Pinnacle. “You should hear all the whining in Guest Services,” her husband tells me. Apparently, the Pinnacles who are not also Suites like us are all trying to use their status to get into Coastal Kitchen, our elite restaurant. Even a Pinnacle needs to be a Suite to access this level of corned-beef hash.

“We’re just baby Pinnacles,” Mrs. Palo Alto tells me, describing a kind of internal class struggle among the Pinnacle elite for ever higher status.

And now I understand what the maître d’ was saying to me on the first day of my cruise. He wasn’t saying “ pendejo .” He was saying “Pinnacle.” The dining room was for Pinnacles only, all those older people rolling in like the tide on their motorized scooters.

And now I understand something else: This whole thing is a cult. And like most cults, it can’t help but mirror the endless American fight for status. Like Keith Raniere’s NXIVM, where different-colored sashes were given out to connote rank among Raniere’s branded acolytes, this is an endless competition among Pinnacles, Suites, Diamond-Plusers, and facing-the-mall, no-balcony purple SeaPass Card peasants, not to mention the many distinctions within each category. The more you cruise, the higher your status. No wonder a section of the Royal Promenade is devoted to getting passengers to book their next cruise during the one they should be enjoying now. No wonder desperate Royal Caribbean offers (“FINAL HOURS”) crowded my email account weeks before I set sail. No wonder the ship’s jewelry store, the Royal Bling, is selling a $100,000 golden chalice that will entitle its owner to drink free on Royal Caribbean cruises for life. (One passenger was already gaming out whether her 28-year-old son was young enough to “just about earn out” on the chalice or if that ship had sailed.) No wonder this ship was sold out months before departure , and we had to pay $19,000 for a horrid suite away from the Suite Neighborhood. No wonder the most mythical hero of Royal Caribbean lore is someone named Super Mario, who has cruised so often, he now has his own working desk on many ships. This whole experience is part cult, part nautical pyramid scheme.

From the June 2014 issue: Ship of wonks

“The toilets are amazing,” the Palo Altos are telling me. “One flush and you’re done.” “They don’t understand how energy-efficient these ships are,” the husband of the other couple is telling me. “They got the LNG”—liquefied natural gas, which is supposed to make the Icon a boon to the environment (a concept widely disputed and sometimes ridiculed by environmentalists).

But I’m thinking along a different line of attack as I spear my last pallid slice of melon. For my streaming limited series, a Pinnacle would have to get killed by either an outright peasant or a Suite without an ocean view. I tell my breakfast companions my idea.

“Oh, for sure a Pinnacle would have to be killed,” Mr. Palo Alto, the Pandemic Pinnacle, says, touching his porn mustache thoughtfully as his wife nods.

“THAT’S RIGHT, IT’S your time, buddy!” Hubert, my fun-loving Panamanian cabin attendant, shouts as I step out of my suite in a robe. “Take it easy, buddy!”

I have come up with a new dressing strategy. Instead of trying to impress with my choice of T-shirts, I have decided to start wearing a robe, as one does at a resort property on land, with a proper spa and hammam. The response among my fellow cruisers has been ecstatic. “Look at you in the robe!” Mr. Rand cries out as we pass each other by the Thrill Island aqua park. “You’re living the cruise life! You know, you really drank me under the table that night.” I laugh as we part ways, but my soul cries out, Please spend more time with me, Mr. and Mrs. Rand; I so need the company .

In my white robe, I am a stately presence, a refugee from a better limited series, a one-man crossover episode. (Only Suites are granted these robes to begin with.) Today, I will try many of the activities these ships have on offer to provide their clientele with a sense of never-ceasing motion. Because I am already at Thrill Island, I decide to climb the staircase to what looks like a mast on an old-fashioned ship (terrified, because I am afraid of heights) to try a ride called “Storm Chasers,” which is part of the “Category 6” water park, named in honor of one of the storms that may someday do away with the Port of Miami entirely. Storm Chasers consists of falling from the “mast” down a long, twisting neon tube filled with water, like being the camera inside your own colonoscopy, as you hold on to the handles of a mat, hoping not to die. The tube then flops you down headfirst into a trough of water, a Royal Caribbean baptism. It both knocks my breath out and makes me sad.

In keeping with the aquatic theme, I attend a show at the AquaDome. To the sound of “Live and Let Die,” a man in a harness gyrates to and fro in the sultry air. I saw something very similar in the back rooms of the famed Berghain club in early-aughts Berlin. Soon another harnessed man is gyrating next to the first. Ja , I think to myself, I know how this ends. Now will come the fisting , natürlich . But the show soon devolves into the usual Marvel-film-grade nonsense, with too much light and sound signifying nichts . If any fisting is happening, it is probably in the Suite Neighborhood, inside a cabin marked with an upside-down pineapple, which I understand means a couple are ready to swing, and I will see none of it.

I go to the ice show, which is a kind of homage—if that’s possible—to the periodic table, done with the style and pomp and masterful precision that would please the likes of Kim Jong Un, if only he could afford Royal Caribbean talent. At one point, the dancers skate to the theme song of Succession . “See that!” I want to say to my fellow Suites—at “cultural” events, we have a special section reserved for us away from the commoners—“ Succession ! It’s even better than the zombie show! Open your minds!”

Finally, I visit a comedy revue in an enormous and too brightly lit version of an “intimate,” per Royal Caribbean literature, “Manhattan comedy club.” Many of the jokes are about the cruising life. “I’ve lived on ships for 20 years,” one of the middle-aged comedians says. “I can only see so many Filipino homosexuals dressed as a taco.” He pauses while the audience laughs. “I am so fired tonight,” he says. He segues into a Trump impression and then Biden falling asleep at the microphone, which gets the most laughs. “Anyone here from Fort Leonard Wood?” another comedian asks. Half the crowd seems to cheer. As I fall asleep that night, I realize another connection I have failed to make, and one that may explain some of the diversity on this vessel—many of its passengers have served in the military.

As a coddled passenger with a suite, I feel like I am starting to understand what it means to have a rank and be constantly reminded of it. There are many espresso makers , I think as I look across the expanse of my officer-grade quarters before closing my eyes, but this one is mine .

A shocking sight greets me beyond the pools of Deck 17 as I saunter over to the Coastal Kitchen for my morning intake of slightly sour Americanos. A tiny city beneath a series of perfectly pressed green mountains. Land! We have docked for a brief respite in Basseterre, the capital of St. Kitts and Nevis. I wolf down my egg scramble to be one of the first passengers off the ship. Once past the gangway, I barely refrain from kissing the ground. I rush into the sights and sounds of this scruffy island city, sampling incredible conch curry and buckets of non-Starbucks coffee. How wonderful it is to be where God intended humans to be: on land. After all, I am neither a fish nor a mall rat. This is my natural environment. Basseterre may not be Havana, but there are signs of human ingenuity and desire everywhere you look. The Black Table Grill Has been Relocated to Soho Village, Market Street, Directly Behind of, Gary’s Fruits and Flower Shop. Signed. THE PORK MAN reads a sign stuck to a wall. Now, that is how you write a sign. A real sign, not the come-ons for overpriced Rolexes that blink across the screens of the Royal Promenade.

“Hey, tie your shoestring!” a pair of laughing ladies shout to me across the street.

“Thank you!” I shout back. Shoestring! “Thank you very much.”

A man in Independence Square Park comes by and asks if I want to play with his monkey. I haven’t heard that pickup line since the Penn Station of the 1980s. But then he pulls a real monkey out of a bag. The monkey is wearing a diaper and looks insane. Wonderful , I think, just wonderful! There is so much life here. I email my editor asking if I can remain on St. Kitts and allow the Icon to sail off into the horizon without me. I have even priced a flight home at less than $300, and I have enough material from the first four days on the cruise to write the entire story. “It would be funny …” my editor replies. “Now get on the boat.”

As I slink back to the ship after my brief jailbreak, the locals stand under umbrellas to gaze at and photograph the boat that towers over their small capital city. The limousines of the prime minister and his lackeys are parked beside the gangway. St. Kitts, I’ve been told, is one of the few islands that would allow a ship of this size to dock.

“We hear about all the waterslides,” a sweet young server in one of the cafés told me. “We wish we could go on the ship, but we have to work.”

“I want to stay on your island,” I replied. “I love it here.”

But she didn’t understand how I could possibly mean that.

“WASHY, WASHY, so you don’t get stinky, stinky!” kids are singing outside the AquaDome, while their adult minders look on in disapproval, perhaps worried that Mr. Washy Washy is grooming them into a life of gayness. I heard a southern couple skip the buffet entirely out of fear of Mr. Washy Washy.

Meanwhile, I have found a new watering hole for myself, the Swim & Tonic, the biggest swim-up bar on any cruise ship in the world. Drinking next to full-size, nearly naked Americans takes away one’s own self-consciousness. The men have curvaceous mom bodies. The women are equally un-shy about their sprawling physiques.

Today I’ve befriended a bald man with many children who tells me that all of the little trinkets that Royal Caribbean has left us in our staterooms and suites are worth a fortune on eBay. “Eighty dollars for the water bottle, 60 for the lanyard,” the man says. “This is a cult.”

“Tell me about it,” I say. There is, however, a clientele for whom this cruise makes perfect sense. For a large middle-class family (he works in “supply chains”), seven days in a lower-tier cabin—which starts at $1,800 a person—allow the parents to drop off their children in Surfside, where I imagine many young Filipina crew members will take care of them, while the parents are free to get drunk at a swim-up bar and maybe even get intimate in their cabin. Cruise ships have become, for a certain kind of hardworking family, a form of subsidized child care.

There is another man I would like to befriend at the Swim & Tonic, a tall, bald fellow who is perpetually inebriated and who wears a necklace studded with little rubber duckies in sunglasses, which, I am told, is a sort of secret handshake for cruise aficionados. Tomorrow, I will spend more time with him, but first the ship docks at St. Thomas, in the U.S. Virgin Islands. Charlotte Amalie, the capital, is more charming in name than in presence, but I still all but jump off the ship to score a juicy oxtail and plantains at the well-known Petite Pump Room, overlooking the harbor. From one of the highest points in the small city, the Icon of the Seas appears bigger than the surrounding hills.

I usually tan very evenly, but something about the discombobulation of life at sea makes me forget the regular application of sunscreen. As I walk down the streets of Charlotte Amalie in my fluorescent Icon of the Seas cap, an old Rastafarian stares me down. “Redneck,” he hisses.

“No,” I want to tell him, as I bring a hand up to my red neck, “that’s not who I am at all. On my island, Mannahatta, as Whitman would have it, I am an interesting person living within an engaging artistic milieu. I do not wish to use the Caribbean as a dumping ground for the cruise-ship industry. I love the work of Derek Walcott. You don’t understand. I am not a redneck. And if I am, they did this to me.” They meaning Royal Caribbean? Its passengers? The Rands?

“They did this to me!”

Back on the Icon, some older matrons are muttering about a run-in with passengers from the Celebrity cruise ship docked next to us, the Celebrity Apex. Although Celebrity Cruises is also owned by Royal Caribbean, I am made to understand that there is a deep fratricidal beef between passengers of the two lines. “We met a woman from the Apex,” one matron says, “and she says it was a small ship and there was nothing to do. Her face was as tight as a 19-year-old’s, she had so much surgery.” With those words, and beneath a cloudy sky, humidity shrouding our weathered faces and red necks, we set sail once again, hopefully in the direction of home.

THERE ARE BARELY 48 HOURS LEFT to the cruise, and the Icon of the Seas’ passengers are salty. They know how to work the elevators. They know the Washy Washy song by heart. They understand that the chicken gyro at “Feta Mediterranean,” in the AquaDome Market, is the least problematic form of chicken on the ship.

The passengers have shed their INAUGURAL CRUISE T-shirts and are now starting to evince political opinions. There are caps pledging to make America great again and T-shirts that celebrate words sometimes attributed to Patrick Henry: “The Constitution is not an instrument for the government to restrain the people; it is an instrument for the people to restrain the government.” With their preponderance of FAMILY FLAG FAITH FRIENDS FIREARMS T-shirts, the tables by the crepe station sometimes resemble the Capitol Rotunda on January 6. The Real Anthony Fauci , by Robert F. Kennedy Jr., appears to be a popular form of literature, especially among young men with very complicated versions of the American flag on their T-shirts. Other opinions blend the personal and the political. “Someone needs to kill Washy guy, right?” a well-dressed man in the elevator tells me, his gray eyes radiating nothing. “Just beat him to death. Am I right?” I overhear the male member of a young couple whisper, “There goes that freak” as I saunter by in my white spa robe, and I decide to retire it for the rest of the cruise.

I visit the Royal Bling to see up close the $100,000 golden chalice that entitles you to free drinks on Royal Caribbean forever. The pleasant Serbian saleslady explains that the chalice is actually gold-plated and covered in white zirconia instead of diamonds, as it would otherwise cost $1 million. “If you already have everything,” she explains, “this is one more thing you can get.”

I believe that anyone who works for Royal Caribbean should be entitled to immediate American citizenship. They already speak English better than most of the passengers and, per the Serbian lady’s sales pitch above, better understand what America is as well. Crew members like my Panamanian cabin attendant seem to work 24 hours a day. A waiter from New Delhi tells me that his contract is six months and three weeks long. After a cruise ends, he says, “in a few hours, we start again for the next cruise.” At the end of the half a year at sea, he is allowed a two-to-three-month stay at home with his family. As of 2019, the median income for crew members was somewhere in the vicinity of $20,000, according to a major business publication. Royal Caribbean would not share the current median salary for its crew members, but I am certain that it amounts to a fraction of the cost of a Royal Bling gold-plated, zirconia-studded chalice.

And because most of the Icon’s hyper-sanitized spaces are just a frittata away from being a Delta lounge, one forgets that there are actual sailors on this ship, charged with the herculean task of docking it in port. “Having driven 100,000-ton aircraft carriers throughout my career,” retired Admiral James G. Stavridis, the former NATO Supreme Allied Commander Europe, writes to me, “I’m not sure I would even know where to begin with trying to control a sea monster like this one nearly three times the size.” (I first met Stavridis while touring Army bases in Germany more than a decade ago.)

Today, I decide to head to the hot tub near Swim & Tonic, where some of the ship’s drunkest reprobates seem to gather (the other tubs are filled with families and couples). The talk here, like everywhere else on the ship, concerns football, a sport about which I know nothing. It is apparent that four teams have recently competed in some kind of finals for the year, and that two of them will now face off in the championship. Often when people on the Icon speak, I will try to repeat the last thing they said with a laugh or a nod of disbelief. “Yes, 20-yard line! Ha!” “Oh my God, of course, scrimmage.”

Soon we are joined in the hot tub by the late-middle-age drunk guy with the duck necklace. He is wearing a bucket hat with the legend HAWKEYES , which, I soon gather, is yet another football team. “All right, who turned me in?” Duck Necklace says as he plops into the tub beside us. “I get a call in the morning,” he says. “It’s security. Can you come down to the dining room by 10 a.m.? You need to stay away from the members of this religious family.” Apparently, the gregarious Duck Necklace had photobombed the wrong people. There are several families who present as evangelical Christians or practicing Muslims on the ship. One man, evidently, was not happy that Duck Necklace had made contact with his relatives. “It’s because of religious stuff; he was offended. I put my arm around 20 people a day.”

Everyone laughs. “They asked me three times if I needed medication,” he says of the security people who apparently interrogated him in full view of others having breakfast.

Another hot-tub denizen suggests that he should have asked for fentanyl. After a few more drinks, Duck Necklace begins to muse about what it would be like to fall off the ship. “I’m 62 and I’m ready to go,” he says. “I just don’t want a shark to eat me. I’m a huge God guy. I’m a Bible guy. There’s some Mayan theory squaring science stuff with religion. There is so much more to life on Earth.” We all nod into our Red Stripes.

“I never get off the ship when we dock,” he says. He tells us he lost $6,000 in the casino the other day. Later, I look him up, and it appears that on land, he’s a financial adviser in a crisp gray suit, probably a pillar of his North Chicago community.

THE OCEAN IS TEEMING with fascinating life, but on the surface it has little to teach us. The waves come and go. The horizon remains ever far away.

I am constantly told by my fellow passengers that “everybody here has a story.” Yes, I want to reply, but everybody everywhere has a story. You, the reader of this essay, have a story, and yet you’re not inclined to jump on a cruise ship and, like Duck Necklace, tell your story to others at great pitch and volume. Maybe what they’re saying is that everybody on this ship wants to have a bigger, more coherent, more interesting story than the one they’ve been given. Maybe that’s why there’s so much signage on the doors around me attesting to marriages spent on the sea. Maybe that’s why the Royal Caribbean newsletter slipped under my door tells me that “this isn’t a vacation day spent—it’s bragging rights earned.” Maybe that’s why I’m so lonely.

Today is a big day for Icon passengers. Today the ship docks at Royal Caribbean’s own Bahamian island, the Perfect Day at CocoCay. (This appears to be the actual name of the island.) A comedian at the nightclub opined on what his perfect day at CocoCay would look like—receiving oral sex while learning that his ex-wife had been killed in a car crash (big laughter). But the reality of the island is far less humorous than that.

One of the ethnic tristate ladies in the infinity pool told me that she loved CocoCay because it had exactly the same things that could be found on the ship itself. This proves to be correct. It is like the Icon, but with sand. The same tired burgers, the same colorful tubes conveying children and water from Point A to B. The same swim-up bar at its Hideaway ($140 for admittance, no children allowed; Royal Caribbean must be printing money off its clientele). “There was almost a fight at The Wizard of Oz ,” I overhear an elderly woman tell her companion on a chaise lounge. Apparently one of the passengers began recording Royal Caribbean’s intellectual property and “three guys came after him.”

I walk down a pathway to the center of the island, where a sign reads DO NOT ENTER: YOU HAVE REACHED THE BOUNDARY OF ADVENTURE . I hear an animal scampering in the bushes. A Royal Caribbean worker in an enormous golf cart soon chases me down and takes me back to the Hideaway, where I run into Mrs. Rand in a bikini. She becomes livid telling me about an altercation she had the other day with a woman over a towel and a deck chair. We Suites have special towel privileges; we do not have to hand over our SeaPass Card to score a towel. But the Rands are not Suites. “People are so entitled here,” Mrs. Rand says. “It’s like the airport with all its classes.” “You see,” I want to say, “this is where your husband’s love of Ayn Rand runs into the cruelties and arbitrary indignities of unbridled capitalism.” Instead we make plans to meet for a final drink in the Schooner Bar tonight (the Rands will stand me up).

Back on the ship, I try to do laps, but the pool (the largest on any cruise ship, naturally) is fully trashed with the detritus of American life: candy wrappers, a slowly dissolving tortilla chip, napkins. I take an extra-long shower in my suite, then walk around the perimeter of the ship on a kind of exercise track, past all the alluring lifeboats in their yellow-and-white livery. Maybe there is a dystopian angle to the HBO series that I will surely end up pitching, one with shades of WALL-E or Snowpiercer . In a collapsed world, a Royal Caribbean–like cruise liner sails from port to port, collecting new shipmates and supplies in exchange for the precious energy it has on board. (The actual Icon features a new technology that converts passengers’ poop into enough energy to power the waterslides . In the series, this shitty technology would be greatly expanded.) A very young woman (18? 19?), smart and lonely, who has only known life on the ship, walks along the same track as I do now, contemplating jumping off into the surf left by its wake. I picture reusing Duck Necklace’s words in the opening shot of the pilot. The girl is walking around the track, her eyes on the horizon; maybe she’s highborn—a Suite—and we hear the voice-over: “I’m 19 and I’m ready to go. I just don’t want a shark to eat me.”

Before the cruise is finished, I talk to Mr. Washy Washy, or Nielbert of the Philippines. He is a sweet, gentle man, and I thank him for the earworm of a song he has given me and for keeping us safe from the dreaded norovirus. “This is very important to me, getting people to wash their hands,” he tells me in his burger getup. He has dreams, as an artist and a performer, but they are limited in scope. One day he wants to dress up as a piece of bacon for the morning shift.

THE MAIDEN VOYAGE OF THE TITANIC (the Icon of the Seas is five times as large as that doomed vessel) at least offered its passengers an exciting ending to their cruise, but when I wake up on the eighth day, all I see are the gray ghosts that populate Miami’s condo skyline. Throughout my voyage, my writer friends wrote in to commiserate with me. Sloane Crosley, who once covered a three-day spa mini-cruise for Vogue , tells me she felt “so very alone … I found it very untethering.” Gideon Lewis-Kraus writes in an Instagram comment: “When Gary is done I think it’s time this genre was taken out back and shot.” And he is right. To badly paraphrase Adorno: After this, no more cruise stories. It is unfair to put a thinking person on a cruise ship. Writers typically have difficult childhoods, and it is cruel to remind them of the inherent loneliness that drove them to writing in the first place. It is also unseemly to write about the kind of people who go on cruises. Our country does not provide the education and upbringing that allow its citizens an interior life. For the creative class to point fingers at the large, breasty gentlemen adrift in tortilla-chip-laden pools of water is to gather a sour harvest of low-hanging fruit.

A day or two before I got off the ship, I decided to make use of my balcony, which I had avoided because I thought the view would only depress me further. What I found shocked me. My suite did not look out on Central Park after all. This entire time, I had been living in the ship’s Disneyland, Surfside, the neighborhood full of screaming toddlers consuming milkshakes and candy. And as I leaned out over my balcony, I beheld a slight vista of the sea and surf that I thought I had been missing. It had been there all along. The sea was frothy and infinite and blue-green beneath the span of a seagull’s wing. And though it had been trod hard by the world’s largest cruise ship, it remained.

This article appears in the May 2024 print edition with the headline “A Meatball at Sea.” When you buy a book using a link on this page, we receive a commission. Thank you for supporting The Atlantic.

Norwegian Cruise Line passengers were stranded on a small African island after missing a deadline to re-embark

• A couple says they were stranded on an island after missing their cruise ship's boarding time.
• They were on a tour of São Tomé and Príncipe with six others, per US local media. It overran.
• The stranded group flew to Gambia on Sunday, hoping to catch the ship at another port.

A couple says they were stranded on a small African island after they missed a cruise ship 's boarding deadline, according to local media.

Jay and Jill Campbell, from Garden City, South Carolina, described their ordeal with a Norwegian Cruise Line ship in an interview with WPDE, their local ABC affiliate.

Norwegian confirmed to Business Insider that they were denied boarding, saying it was their responsibility to be on time.

The Campbells said they were frequent cruisers, embarking on Norwegian Dawn on March 20 for their third voyage with the cruise line in a year.

However, an excursion last Wednesday with six other people to São Tomé and Príncipe , an island nation of some 220,000 people off West Africa, took an unfortunate turn.

The couple says the tour overran, and its operator informed the captain that eight passengers were running late.

They were refused entry to the ship upon their return, according to WPDE, even though they could still see the ship from the shore.

The ship was anchored, Jay Campbell said, but the captain refused to let them board despite repeated calls and emails by the passengers to the ship and the cruise line's emergency hotline.

The São Tomé and Príncipe Coast Guard even took the passengers to the ship, but they weren't able to get on and had to turn back, WPDE reported.

In total, WPDE said that nine passengers were not allowed to reenter the ship, including four elderly people and one person who is a paraplegic.

The Campbells told the news outlet that the ninth passenger was late for another reason — an 80-year-old woman who got a concussion on the island and was hospitalized there.

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Most of the stranded passengers didn't have their medication or working credit cards, WPDE said.

The Campbells, who had a working card, said they covered $5,000 worth of expenses for the group in food, toiletries, and hotel bills.

"We have never had an experience like this before," Jill Campbell told WPDE.

The Norwegian Cruise Line said in a statement provided to BI by email that eight guests on the tour missed the last tender back to the vessel.

The cruise line said the passengers missed the "all aboard time of 3 p.m. local time." It said it was a "very unfortunate situation" but that passengers were responsible for being on time.

It added that the deadline to return was "communicated broadly" over the ship's intercom, in printed communications, and on posts shown at the exits of the ship.

The elderly passenger who was concussed was returned to the US, where she has made a "safe return," a spokesperson for Norwegian Cruise Line said.

According to WPDE, the group flew to Gambia on Sunday, hoping to rejoin the ship at another port.

A spokesperson for the cruise line said that the ship could not safely dock in Gambia due to adverse weather conditions, adding that efforts are being made for the guests to rejoin the ship in Senegal on Tuesday.

Though cruise ships need to stay punctual, ruined-vacation stories like this are a reputational risk and might put people off.

For instance, two MSC Splendida passengers were stranded last summer at an Italian port after arriving too late for departure.

A TikTok video showed the couple waving and begging the crew to wait for them, even though the gangway appeared to have already been removed.

Other passengers may face the stress of becoming stranded in remote locations through no fault of their own. Last September, more than 200 people got stuck in a remote part of Greenland after their cruise ship ran aground.

And last November, passengers were stranded at a Brisbane port after a Royal Caribbean ship was overbooked.

Watch: Stowaways survive 14 days at sea clinging to a ship rudder

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