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The Ultimate Guide to the Best Cruises According to Reddit

Cruising has become a popular vacation choice for many travelers, and Reddit has become a go-to platform for sharing experiences and recommendations. In this ultimate guide, we will explore the top 10 cruise destinations, the best cruise lines according to Reddit users, the most sought-after cruise ship amenities, and tips for a memorable cruise experience. Whether you’re a seasoned cruiser or planning your first voyage, this guide will provide you with valuable insights and recommendations from the Reddit community.

Key Takeaways

• Caribbean, Mediterranean, and Alaska are among the top cruise destinations according to Reddit users.
• Royal Caribbean, Carnival Cruise Line, and Norwegian Cruise Line are highly recommended cruise lines on Reddit.
• Onboard entertainment, dining options, and spa and wellness facilities are important amenities to consider when choosing a cruise ship.
• Packing essentials, choosing the right cabin, and making the most of shore excursions can enhance your cruise experience.
• The Reddit community provides valuable insights and recommendations for planning a memorable cruise vacation.

Top 10 Cruise Destinations

Caribbean cruises.

The Caribbean is one of the top cruise destinations in the world, offering beautiful beaches, crystal-clear waters, and a vibrant culture. With a variety of itineraries to choose from, you can explore stunning islands such as Jamaica, Puerto Rico, and the Bahamas. Whether you’re looking for a relaxing beach getaway or an adventurous excursion, Caribbean cruises have something for everyone. Top cruises in the Caribbean include Royal Caribbean, Carnival Cruise Line, and Norwegian Cruise Line. These cruise lines offer luxurious amenities, exciting activities , and exceptional service. Experience the ultimate tropical vacation on a Caribbean cruise!

Mediterranean Cruises

Mediterranean cruises are a popular choice for travelers looking to explore the rich history and stunning beauty of the region. With breathtaking views of ancient ruins, picturesque coastal towns, and crystal-clear waters, a Mediterranean cruise offers a truly unforgettable experience. From the vibrant city of Barcelona to the romantic city of Venice, there are a variety of ports of call to choose from. Exciting shore excursions allow passengers to immerse themselves in the local culture and cuisine, with options ranging from wine tasting in the Tuscan countryside to exploring the ruins of Pompeii. Whether you’re a history buff, a foodie, or simply looking to relax and soak up the sun, a Mediterranean cruise has something for everyone.

Alaska Cruises

Alaska cruises are a popular choice for travelers who want to explore the breathtaking beauty of the Last Frontier. With its rugged landscapes, towering glaciers, and abundant wildlife, Alaska offers a unique and unforgettable cruise experience. Cruise deals to Alaska often include visits to stunning destinations such as Juneau, Ketchikan, and Skagway. Passengers can enjoy a variety of activities, including whale watching, hiking, and exploring the charming coastal towns. Whether you’re interested in immersing yourself in nature or learning about the region’s rich history, an Alaska cruise is sure to leave you with lasting memories.

Best Cruise Lines

Royal Caribbean

Royal Caribbean is one of the best cruise lines in the world, offering a wide range of amenities and activities for passengers to enjoy. With a fleet of modern and luxurious ships, Royal Caribbean provides an unforgettable cruise experience . From exciting entertainment options to delicious dining choices, there is something for everyone on a Royal Caribbean cruise. The cruise line also offers spa and wellness facilities for those looking to relax and rejuvenate during their vacation. Whether you’re looking for a fun-filled family cruise or a romantic getaway, Royal Caribbean has it all.

Carnival Cruise Line

Carnival Cruise Line is one of the best cruise lines in the industry, offering a wide range of exciting cruise experiences for travelers. With a fleet of modern and luxurious ships, Carnival Cruise Line provides top-notch amenities and entertainment options. From thrilling onboard activities to delicious dining options, passengers can enjoy a memorable vacation at sea. The cruise line also offers a variety of shore excursions, allowing guests to explore different destinations and create unforgettable memories. Whether you’re looking for relaxation or adventure, Carnival Cruise Line has something for everyone.

Norwegian Cruise Line

Norwegian Cruise Line is one of the best cruise lines in the industry, offering a wide range of itineraries and onboard amenities. With a fleet of modern ships, Norwegian Cruise Line provides a memorable experience for passengers of all ages. Whether you’re looking for a Caribbean adventure or a Mediterranean escape, Norwegian Cruise Line has you covered. The cruise line also offers Vancouver cruises, allowing you to explore the stunning beauty of the Pacific Northwest . Onboard, you can enjoy a variety of dining options, from casual buffets to specialty restaurants. The ship amenities include a spa and wellness facilities, where you can relax and rejuvenate. For a truly memorable cruise experience, don’t miss out on the exciting shore excursions that Norwegian Cruise Line has to offer.

Cruise Ship Amenities

Onboard Entertainment

Onboard entertainment is a crucial aspect of any cruise experience. Whether you’re looking for live shows, music performances, or themed parties, cruise lines offer a wide range of entertainment options to keep guests entertained throughout their voyage. From Broadway-style productions to comedy clubs and casinos, there is something for everyone. One popular destination for cruise lines in Miami is the Port of Miami , known as the Cruise Capital of the World. With its convenient location and vibrant atmosphere, Miami serves as a gateway to many exciting cruise itineraries. So, if you’re looking for a memorable onboard entertainment experience, consider choosing a cruise that departs from Miami and explore all the amazing activities and shows it has to offer.

Dining Options

When it comes to dining options on a cruise ship, there is something for everyone. From casual buffet-style restaurants to elegant fine dining establishments, passengers can indulge in a variety of cuisine from around the world. Many cruise lines also offer specialty restaurants that cater to specific tastes, such as seafood lovers or vegetarians . Additionally, some ships have unique dining experiences, such as dinner theaters or cooking classes. With so many choices available, guests are sure to find the perfect meal to satisfy their cravings.

Spa and Wellness Facilities

When it comes to spa and wellness facilities, cruise ships offer a wide range of options to help passengers relax and rejuvenate. From luxurious spas with state-of-the-art treatments to relaxing saunas and invigorating fitness centers, there is something for everyone. Many cruise lines also offer specialized wellness programs and classes, such as yoga and meditation, to promote overall well-being. Whether you’re looking for a deep tissue massage, a refreshing facial, or a soothing body wrap, the spa and wellness facilities on board will leave you feeling pampered and refreshed.

Tips for a Memorable Cruise Experience

Packing Essentials

When preparing for a cruise, it’s important to pack wisely to ensure a smooth and enjoyable trip. Here are some essential items to consider bringing:

• Sunscreen : Protect your skin from the harsh rays of the sun.
• Swimsuit : Don’t forget to pack your swimsuit for relaxing by the pool or enjoying water activities.
• Comfortable Shoes : Whether you’re exploring the ship or going on shore excursions, comfortable shoes are a must.

Remember, a Sea Savant always comes prepared with the right essentials for a memorable cruise experience!

So make sure to pack smart and have a fantastic time on your cruise!

Choosing the Right Cabin

When selecting a cabin for your cruise, there are several factors to consider. Location is key, as you may prefer a cabin closer to the amenities or with a view of the ocean. Size is also important, especially if you are traveling with a family or need extra space. Additionally, cabin type can vary from inside cabins with no windows to luxurious suites with balconies. It’s also worth noting that some cruise lines offer special perks such as priority boarding or access to exclusive areas. Lastly, don’t forget to check if your chosen cabin includes a drink package for unlimited beverages throughout your cruise .

Making the Most of Shore Excursions

When it comes to shore excursions, there are plenty of options to choose from. Whether you’re interested in exploring historical landmarks, enjoying outdoor adventures, or simply relaxing on a beautiful beach, there’s something for everyone. One popular option for cruise vacations for young adults is the adrenaline-pumping zip-lining experience . This thrilling activity allows you to soar through the treetops and take in breathtaking views of the surrounding landscape. Another must-try excursion is a snorkeling tour, where you can dive into crystal-clear waters and discover vibrant marine life. Don’t forget to pack your sunscreen and camera to capture these unforgettable moments. Make the most of your shore excursions by planning ahead and booking in advance to secure your spot.

Frequently Asked Questions

What is the best time to go on a caribbean cruise.

The best time to go on a Caribbean cruise is during the dry season, which typically runs from December to April. This is when the weather is warm and there is less chance of rain or hurricanes.

Are gratuities included in the cruise fare?

Gratuities are not typically included in the cruise fare. Most cruise lines charge a daily gratuity fee, which is added to your onboard account. This fee is distributed among the crew members who provide services during your cruise.

Do I need a passport for a cruise?

It depends on the itinerary of your cruise. If your cruise departs from and returns to the same U.S. port, a passport is not required for U.S. citizens. However, it is highly recommended to have a valid passport for all cruises, as it is the best form of identification when traveling internationally.

Can I bring my own alcohol on a cruise ship?

Most cruise lines have restrictions on bringing your own alcohol on board. It is best to check the specific policies of the cruise line you are sailing with. Some cruise lines allow limited quantities of wine or champagne to be brought on board, while others do not allow any outside alcohol.

What is the dress code for dinner on a cruise ship?

The dress code for dinner on a cruise ship varies depending on the cruise line and the type of dining venue. Most cruise lines have formal, semi-formal, and casual nights. On formal nights, passengers are typically expected to dress up in elegant attire, such as a suit or cocktail dress. On casual nights, resort casual attire is usually acceptable.

Are there laundry facilities on cruise ships?

Most cruise ships have self-service laundry facilities available for passengers to use. These facilities usually have washers, dryers, and ironing boards. Some ships also offer laundry and dry cleaning services for an additional fee.

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Cristina is an accomplished travel writer and an expert in all things cruising, contributing her extensive knowledge and enthusiasm to Sea Savant. With over 15 years of experience in travel journalism, Cristina has a profound understanding of the cruise industry, from the intimate details of ship life to the broad spectrum of global destinations.

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Caribbean vs. Bahamas cruises: Which itinerary will I like better?

You're looking for warm weather, gorgeous beaches, water sports and guaranteed R&R on your next cruise. Should you book a cruise to the Caribbean or the Bahamas ? With so many islands on a vast number of itineraries, the vacation choices can get overwhelming – the exact opposite of the therapeutic cruise you're hoping to take.

Bottom line: You can't go wrong with any island cruise, but you can pick the itinerary that will suit your travel style and preferences best. Here, we'll compare Bahamas and Caribbean cruises to give you a cheat sheet for picking the perfect cruise for you.

Caribbean vs. Bahamas cruise itineraries

Both Bahamas and Caribbean cruise itineraries come in short and long varieties. The main difference when it comes to Caribbean versus Bahamas sailings is that Bahamas cruises visit multiple islands within one country, whereas Caribbean cruises include a mix of island and Central American mainland ports across several countries.

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Caribbean itineraries are broken down into Western, Eastern and Southern Caribbean routes. Western Caribbean cruises depart from southern U.S. ports from Galveston, Texas, to Florida and either go to Mexico and Central America or to the islands west of Cuba and Haiti. Short cruises tend to hit one or two ports in Mexico; weeklong cruises visit a mix of island and mainland destinations.

Eastern Caribbean cruises depart mainly from Florida or Caribbean destinations like San Juan or St. Thomas. These sailings include the islands east of Cuba and Haiti, such as the U.S. and British Virgin Islands, St. Martin/Maarten, and Puerto Rico. Sailings labeled Eastern Caribbean that depart from northeast ports are either longer than a week or mainly Bahamas cruises that include a visit to one Caribbean port, such as the Dominican Republic or Grand Turk.

You won't find short cruises to the Southern Caribbean, so if you want to cruise to places like Aruba or St. Lucia, you'll need at least a week. These sailings mostly depart from Florida or Caribbean islands. If you're looking for luxury, the small-ship and high-end lines focus their attention in this area, as well as on the smaller Eastern Caribbean islands. Southern Caribbean sailings tend to be more port-intensive, with fewer sea days of all the Caribbean and Bahamas itineraries.

Bahamas cruises depart from the broadest range of home ports, from Galveston on the Gulf Coast to Florida and Northeast ports like Baltimore and Bayonne, New Jersey (one of several ports in the New York City area). You'll find many short sailings to these islands since they're located close to Florida. (Freeport, Bahamas, is closer to Miami than Key West is.) Weeklong sailings can be Bahamas-only or include ports in Florida or close-in Caribbean destinations like Grand Turk.

RELATED: Bahamas vs. Bermuda cruise itineraries

To make matters more confusing, cruise lines will often mix destinations from the different tropical regions on one itinerary. A Southern Caribbean cruise may include ports in the Eastern Caribbean, and a Western Caribbean sailing might stop at a cruise line's private island in the Bahamas.

Ignore the sailing's name and look at the ports of call to figure out where you're actually going.

Caribbean vs. Bahamas ports of call

The main Bahamian ports are Nassau on New Providence Island (the country's capital) and Freeport on Grand Bahama Island. Some ships have recently started calling on Bimini as well. Beaches and water sports are the main activities. Most cruise line private islands – Royal Caribbean's Perfect Day at CocoCay , Carnival Corp.'s Half Moon Cay, Disney Cruise Line's Castaway Cay, Princess Cruises ' Princess Cays and Norwegian Cruise Line's Great Stirrup Cay – are in the Bahamas and make for a great beach day.

Western Caribbean cruise ports include several ports in Jamaica and Mexico, as well as Grand Cayman, Roatan (Honduras) and Belize City. If you want to explore the ruins of ancient Mayan cities, you'll want to choose an itinerary that visits Mexico and/or Belize.

Big-ship cruise lines call at the bigger Eastern Caribbean ports, such as San Juan (Puerto Rico), Grand Turk, the Dominican Republic, St. Thomas and St. Maarten/Martin. Smaller and more upscale ships will head for the more intimate Virgin Islands, such as St. John, Tortola, Jost Van Dyke and Virgin Gorda. Most of these islands are beach and water sport destinations, though St. Thomas and St. Martin have a reputation for shopping. San Juan mixes old-city charm with modern restaurants and boutiques.

The Southern Caribbean encompasses a wide range of ports, from ritzy St. Barth's to volcanic St. Lucia, rugged Dominica, French Martinique and British Barbados. Aruba, Curacao and Bonaire are so far south that they're out of the main hurricane belt and your fun in the sun will be less likely to be disrupted by seasonal storms.

Caribbean vs. Bahamas beaches and water sports

Divers, snorkelers, kayakers, paddleboarders and straight-up beach bums will find plenty of water-based fun in both the Bahamas and the Caribbean.

In every destination, you'll find a swimming beach within driving, if not walking, distance from the cruise port. Many have coral reefs offshore to thrill snorkelers and divers; the waters of the Caribbean are littered with shipwrecks that will make your underwater adventure extra scenic.

If you're a novice snorkeler or dedicated sunbather, you'll be pleased with any Bahamas or Caribbean itinerary you choose. Experienced divers or water sports enthusiasts should research the ports that offer particular water sports experiences, such as windsurfing or advanced-level wreck diving.

Caribbean vs. Bahamas shore excursions and activities

With more ports and itinerary options, it's not surprising that you have more choices of activities in the Caribbean versus the Bahamas.

If you're into shopping, Nassau's Bay Street offers the gamut of retail outlets selling everything from diamonds and high-end brands to rum cake, T-shirts and items woven from straw. The other Bahamian ports aren't shopping destinations for much beyond souvenirs. In the Caribbean, St. Barth's is the place for swanky boutiques; French Martinique and St. Martin sell goods from France. St. Thomas is known for its duty-free shopping within easy reach of the port, and San Juan is full of art galleries and boutiques.

Stopping in Belize City or the Mexican ports of Cozumel and Costa Maya is a must for history buffs who want to visit the ruins of ancient Mayan cities. If you prefer forts and military history, look for Caribbean cruises that stop in San Juan, Dominica or Grenada. Bahamas visitors can tour Fort Charlotte in Nassau.

St. Lucia, Dominica, St. John and Puerto Rico are tops for hikers. Bonaire has many trails for cyclists; in the Bahamas, private islands Half Moon Cay and Castaway Cay offer bike paths, as well. If you're looking for river-based activities, you can go cave tubing in Belize and river tubing in Jamaica.

Wildlife lovers will have more options in the Caribbean than the Bahamas. Book a tour to Gumbalimba Park in Roatan or Lamanai in Belize to see monkeys and macaws, or Puerto Rico's El Yunque Rainforest to search for coqui (tree frogs). In the Bahamas, your best bet is the zoo at the Ardastra Gardens in Nassau.

You'll find zip line adventures, 4x4 tours and culinary experiences throughout the Bahamas and Caribbean.

Bottom Line

When comparing the Caribbean and the Bahamas for your next cruise, you will be happy with either choice for a relaxing beach vacation. If you have specific travel goals, such as wildlife viewing or visiting historic sites, the Caribbean will offer the widest variety of activities, but you'll still need to pick the right ports.

Some travelers will find that departure port and cruise length are the most important considerations; if you need a drive-to home port or a four-night sailing, you won't have the same variety of itinerary choices as cruisers who can take a weeklong vacation and fly to their ship.

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In Search of America Aboard the Icon of the Seas

Twenty decks, seven swimming pools, and one novelist wearing a meatball T-shirt

In January, the writer Gary Shteyngart spent a week of his life on the inaugural voyage of the Icon of the Seas, the largest cruise ship ever. Like many a great novelist before him , he went in search of the “real” America. He left his Russian novels at home, bought some novelty T-shirts, and psychically prepared to be the life of the party. About halfway through, Shteyngart called his editor and begged to be allowed to disembark and fly home. His desperate plea was rejected, resulting in a semi-sarcastic daily log of his misery .

In this episode of Radio Atlantic , Shteyngart discusses his “seven agonizing nights” on the cruise ship, where he roamed from mall to bar to infinity pool trying to make friends. He shares his theories about why cruise lovers nurture an almost spiritual devotion to an experience that, to him, inspires material for a “low-rent White Lotus. ” And he shares what happened when cruise lovers actually read what he wrote about their beloved ship.

Listen to the conversation here:

Subscribe here: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | YouTube | Google Podcasts | Pocket Casts

The following is a transcript of the episode:

Gary Shteyngart: Hi.

Hanna Rosin: Hi. It’s Hanna.

Shteyngart: Hi, Hanna. How are you?

Rosin: Good.

Rosin: I’m Hanna Rosin. This is Radio Atlantic .

Shteyngart: It’s cloudy here.

Rosin: It is? In a good way? In a way that makes your hair look full and rich?

Shteyngart: Oh, yeah. ( Laughs. ) It does add fullness to my hair, which is always a good thing at this point. I think spring has finally sprung. And I teach in the spring semester, and I’m like, God, I just want this to be over. I just want to go out and play .

Rosin: You teach fiction?

Shteyngart: Yeah. I can’t teach rocket science.

Rosin: ( Laughs. )

Shteyngart: Cruising technology.

Rosin: This is writer Gary Shteyngart.

Rosin: There’s just a Russian stereotype.

Shteyngart: ( Laughs. )

Rosin: I’m like, You could teach astronomy or physics . I don’t know.

Shteyngart: Chess.

Rosin: Chess. Exactly.

Rosin: Gary Shteyngart grew up in the Soviet Union and immigrated to the U.S. when he was 7. He’s written several award-winning novels, and he was a “literary consultant” on Succession , the HBO show.

Mostly, he is known for his satire, which can range from gentle to deadly. So who better to write an article about the inaugural voyage of the largest cruise ship ever built?

Shteyngart: This whole thing came about because I was on Twitter, and I saw a tweet that just showed the—may I use salty language here?

Rosin: Yes.

Shteyngart: The ass of the ship is how I describe it. I don’t know any of these terms, but, you know, with all the water parks and crap on it. And so I reposted the tweet, and I said, If somebody wants to send me on this cruise, please specify the level of sarcasm desired .

Rosin: Really? ( Laughs. )

Shteyngart: And then—God bless The Atlantic —within seconds, I had an assignment.

Rosin: That ass belongs to the Icon of the Seas, a ship that can hold more than 7,000 passengers and 2,000 crew. It has 20 decks with seven swimming pools and six waterslides. The ship itself is about five times bigger than the Titanic. And I’m pretty sure the Titanic did not have a swim-up bar, much less the world’s largest swim-up bar.

In a recent piece for The Atlantic , Gary describes it this way: “The ship makes no sense, vertically or horizontally. It makes no sense on sea, or on land, or in outer space. It looks like a hodgepodge of domes and minarets, tubes and canopies, like Istanbul had it been designed by idiots … This is the biggest cruise ship ever built, and I have been tasked with witnessing its inaugural voyage.”

To prepare for that voyage, Gary wore a meatball T-shirt he found in a store in Little Italy. More specifically, the shirt read: “Daddy’s Little Meatball.”

Shteyngart: You know, I grew up in Queens and, being a spicy meat-a-ball , I thought it was funny. A lot of cruisers were angry. They thought I was being sexual or sexualizing. It’s very interesting because I thought that T-shirt was the bond between a child and his daddy or her daddy.

Rosin: ( Laughs. ) You thought it’d just be a conversation starter.

Shteyngart: I thought it’d be a conversation starter. If they had a “Mommy’s Little Meatball” T-shirt, that would’ve been preferable. I feel much more a mommy’s little meatball. But they only have daddy.

I actually thought, My expectations are low, but I bet I’m going to run into awesome people. And I love to drink and chat, and this is—I guess that’s what you do on a cruise ship. And I knew I was going to have a suite, so I was like, Maybe I’ll throw a suite party .

Shteyngart: Invite some people over . On land, I really am quite sociable. I remember I was just leaving a Columbia—I teach at Columbia—leaving a Columbia party, and somebody was saying, Well, there goes 75 percent of the party .

Rosin: Oh, that’s a compliment.

Shteyngart: It’s a compliment. I’m kind of a party animal. So I was super—I thought, you know, Look, 5,000 people. I’m going to find a soulmate or two .

Rosin: Great writers before Gary have deluded themselves in this way before. Most notably: David Foster Wallace, who ended up spending much of his cruise adventure alone in his cabin. They venture out, looking to swim with some “real Americans.” And instead, they are quickly confronted by the close-up details, like the nightly entertainment—

Shteyngart: There was a kind of packaged weirdness in the shows. Goddamn—the ice-skating tribute to the periodic table. What the hell was that?

Rosin: The food—

Shteyngart: It did not have the consistency of steak. It was like some kind of pleathery, weird—like this poor cow had been slapped around before it died.

Rosin: And the physical touch of an actual “real American.”

Shteyngart: He’d throw his arms around them drunkenly, and they’d be like, Ehh .

First of all, I just want to say, Royal Caribbean—the people that run it are geniuses. The CEO’s name is—I’m not making this up—Jason Liberty.

Shteyngart: His name is Liberty! I mean, I don’t know. What the hell? Like, exactly, if I was to write a novel character with, you know, Jason Liberty , people would be like, Oh, he’s being pretentious . But no. That’s his actual name.

I think they know the tastes of their clientele so well and are able to mirror it back to them, but also to give them this feeling that they’re awesome for doing something like this. One of my favorite slogans—you get all this literature— This isn’t a vacation day spent. It’s bragging rights earned .

Rosin: Mmm. It’s velvet ropey, like you’re in a club.

Shteyngart: It’s a velvet ropey situation. You are an adventurer. You’ve earned this. You have bragging rights. But when you enter the ship, you’re in a mall. And the mall is large and multileveled, and you can buy a Rolex at three times what it would cost on land and all this other crap.

And then there’s all these neighborhoods, and you can do whatever the hell you want. You can get trashed or have sex, which, whatever—I mean with your spouse, although there were some swingers on board. But you could do whatever you want in a way that you can’t on land, in a way, I think, because so many of these people are just working their asses off.

Rosin: Right.

Shteyngart: That was a topic of conversation that came up. People were like, Yeah, I work 90 hours a week, and this is my chance to just, you know, be blotto .

Rosin: You’re hinting at this. Part of being on a ship is being inducted into the language and the levels of the ship, and can you walk us through that? You mentioned, for example: You walk in, you’re in a mall. But I bet, eventually, you start to see more. What are the neighborhoods? You said the word neighborhoods . What does that even mean? And what are the distinctions?

Shteyngart: I think this ship and other Royal Caribbean ships of this size—although this is the biggest—try to create this idea of a city, like you’re in a city that happens to be at sea.

One of the funniest neighborhoods is called Central Park, which is literally another mall but with a couple of shrubs growing out here and there. I thought that was really funny—also, using a New York City landmark in one of the least New Yorkiest milieus in the world.

Rosin: I guess it just has to be terms—a word—people recognize. And people vaguely recognize it. They don’t need to know about Olmsted or live in Brooklyn.

Shteyngart: ( Laughs. ) No, no.

Rosin: They just vaguely recognize Central Park.

Shteyngart: It’d be funny if I asked—boy, would I get a lot of flak if I came up to a cruiser and be like, I don’t think this really matches Olmsted’s vision of Central Park. I don’t know. Meatball not happy . Maybe I should have used a Russian accent. Like, Hello. I am Meatball .

Rosin: Meatball not happy .

Shteyngart: Meatball not happy with Olmsted . So there’s that. There’s Surfside, which is a very funny kind of Disneyland for kids with—

Rosin: And are you walking—like, I still don’t get it. So you go in, and how big is a neighborhood? And then how do you get to the next neighborhood?

Shteyngart: Right, so everything’s on decks, so you take these elevators. I think I spent half the cruise on elevators just going from one place to another.

Rosin: Yeah.

Shteyngart: But I thought I would be in the Suites neighborhood. Because this whole thing—and Royal Caribbean is also brilliant at this. These people—really, a Nobel Prize in Economics. It’s a constant scramble. You constantly want a higher status, especially if you’ve been cruising forever. You want to reach Pinnacle status, which you have to do after 700 days (or nights, rather) on the ship, which is two years, right? Almost.

Rosin: Wow. And so what does that get you?

Shteyngart: So the Pinnacles have their own—I mean, there’s some priority things they get. Like, I was not allowed to go into one dining room at one point, and the guy—I didn’t know what Pinnacle was, so I thought the guy was saying, It’s just pendejo dining . He had a thick accent. I was like, I’m wearing a meatball T-shirt. I am the essence of pendejo . And he was like, No, no, pendejos only . But he was trying to say Pinnacles, I guess. So that kind of stuff.

They have their own little lounge, which I wasn’t allowed into. And some of the other cruisers who are not Pinnacles but have somehow gotten into the lounge, they’re very angry about being denied. And they’re like, There’s nothing in there. There’s just a coffee machine in there .

But the other thing is the suite status, which I had because by the time The Atlantic commissioned this piece, almost all the cabins were sold out. Everybody wanted to be on this ship, and all that was left was a $19,000—Jesus Christ—$19,000 suite that didn’t even look out on the sea.

Rosin: Wow.

Shteyngart: It looked out on the mall or whatever. But it looked like the Marriott, in a way, which—I like Marriotts—I’m just saying.

Rosin: So it’s just a plain—it’s like a hotel room.

Shteyngart: It’s like a hotel room.

Rosin: With a window.

Shteyngart: And I had two bathrooms.

Rosin: For yourself?

Shteyngart: Just for myself, I know. Well, I think the idea of these suites is that more than one person goes on them, right?

But there’s this—the Royal Bling. The Royal Bling is the jewelry store, such as it is, on board. And they introduced this thing called the something chalice. It’s a $100,000 chalice, and it entitles you to drink for free on Royal Caribbean once you’ve bought it.

So this thing is hilarious. Just the concept of it is insane. Everyone’s trying to figure out: Should I buy this? What’s up with this? Should I get it for my 28-year-old kid? Will it earn out? How much does he drink? How much can I drink ?

So I talked to the wonderful Serbian sales lady. Everyone’s country of origin, if you’re on the crew, is listed on their tag.

Rosin: Really?

Shteyngart: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Rosin: That’s weird.

Shteyngart: So you’re like, Oh, it’s Amir from Pakistan , or whatever.

Rosin: That’s so weird.

Shteyngart: Yeah. And she was, I don’t know, something Olga from Serbia, and she was amazing. They’re all amazing. Every crew member is excellent.

And she was like, Well —she was trying to sell me the $100,000 chalice. I said, It’s really gold ? And she’s like, No, it’s gold-plated. We couldn’t afford . She said, If it was really gold, it would be, like, a million dollars . I’m like, Okay . And then it has diamonds, and she’s like, Well, they’re actually cubic zirconia, again, because it would cost, like, $10 million if they were diamonds . I’m like, All right, this thing is sounding worse and worse .

And then she said, But, you know, if you already have everything, this is one more thing you can have . And I thought that was almost like a Zen haiku, but about the American condition. If you already have everything, this is one more thing you can have.

Rosin: So the ship has neighborhoods and levels and status in a very explicit way. And cruisers care about that. They care about it in a very deep, almost spiritual way that Gary didn’t quite appreciate until after he’d written the story.

Shteyngart: One of the funniest things—somebody was telling me to look this up on, I guess, Reddit.

Rosin: Mm-hmm.

Shteyngart: There’s a huge cruising community. I think half a million people are on that thing and, boy, were they pissed!

Rosin : That’s after the break.

Rosin: During his time on the Icon of the Seas, Gary Shteyngart met a few memorable characters. There was the younger couple he called, “Mr. and Mrs. Ayn Rand,” who he drank with a few times. And the couple’s couple friends, he described as quote: “bent psychos out of a Cormac McCarthy novel.” And then, there was “Duck Necklace.”

Shteyngart: He’s fascinating. He was drunk all the time, and he was being arrested—there is a security force—for photobombing.

Rosin: I wonder if the laws are different on the ship. Like photobombing is a felony.

Shteyngart: I’d love to do Law & Order: Icon of the Seas . That would be amazing.

Rosin: ( Laughs. ) Right.

Shteyngart: But then he went on this long, drunken, very elegiac thing about, Well, I’m 62, and if I fall off the ship, I’m fine with that. I just don’t want a shark to eat me. And I believe in God, and the Mayans have a prophecy . He just went on and on. And then I looked him up and, when not drunk and getting arrested on a ship, he’s the pillar of his community in North Chicago. There’s so much more to this guy. So he was my favorite, I think.

Rosin: So maybe the ship creates a space where, if you’re grinding and working every day and being a pillar of the community, the ship is your space to contemplate and be philosophical or be an idiot or whatever it is you can’t be elsewhere.

Shteyngart: Yeah. And I think you’re right. And I think a couple of people, especially older people—I mean, 62 isn’t that old—but a couple of the older people were trying to summarize their lives through their cruising experiences, including, for one woman, realizing that she wanted to divorce her husband. All these things happened on cruises.

It’s like the cruise is the time when they’re—the way people say when you’re off land, it’s the rules of the sea. You’re in international waters; you can do whatever you want. I think for some people, the cruise affords them some weird way to look back on their lives and to make large decisions or to celebrate either happy moments or sometimes almost-elegiac moments. There were all these people who looked like they were about to die.

Rosin: Literally?

Shteyngart: Literally about to die, clearly coming off of chemo or on an oxygen tank. Or they had T-shirts celebrating a good cancer remission. So definitely there’s—and I hope this article, despite its very satirical tone, lends some of that poignancy. Because people are people, and this is the kind of stuff that they want to do, either to make an important moment in their lives or to think on the things that have happened to them.

But I think that’s one of the reasons people were so butt hurt on that Reddit—to use a term of art—because I wasn’t just going after a hobby or something. I was going after something that is so key to their identity.

Rosin: That’s interesting that people perceived it so badly. You both appreciated the earnestness of it and made fun of it at the same time. It was satirical but also present.

Shteyngart: I don’t know. I think people really wanted a quote-unquote “journalist” to give an honest review of the ship. But look, I got this assignment by saying, What level of sarcasm do you want ? But I didn’t deliver 11 on the sarcasm scale. I think it was, like, six or seven.

I realized the humor part of this—and this is what I talk about in my humor class—the human comedy is that no one understands quite who they are. So I may go around thinking I’m a giraffe, and I keep talking about, Oh, I’m so tall, and I eat leaves off of tall trees . But in reality, I’m an aardvark. I’m a small furry creature, burrowing in the bush.

And that, to me, felt like a lot of what people were saying on the ship. People would say, I feel like I’m on an adventure . And I’m like, Yes, but we’re in a mall, as you say this, that’s slowly steaming to all these islands . But many of the passengers wouldn’t even get off on these islands. They love the ship so much they wouldn’t leave.

And I’ll say this, also: One of the most important things that happened to me—I was in Charlotte Amalie, which I guess is the capital of the U.S. Virgin Islands or Saint Thomas, and I’d wandered off the beaten path. And this elderly Rastafarian gentleman looked at me, and with the most—I’ve never been talked to like this—but with a sneer beyond anything, he said, Redneck .

And I guess I did have a red neck at this point, and I was wearing this vibrant cap with the Icon of the Seas Royal Caribbean logo. But I realized, also, that people hate these cruisers. They hate what they do to their islands, their environment, everything. There’s just so much more happening here than just a bunch of drunken Americans on a ship.

And this also goes to the fact that, obviously, there’s all these people, mostly from the global South, working below decks. They work nonstop. And it’s interesting because a lot of the passengers, they would say, Wow, these people work so hard , with a kind of like, Oh, I wish everybody back home would work so hard , or something like that. But at the same time, I was listening to a comedy act, and the comedian was making fun of quote-unquote “shithole countries.”

So there’s definitely a kind of—even though cruisers keep talking about how much they love the people on the ship, it doesn’t translate.

Rosin: It doesn’t translate. It doesn’t translate into politics.

Okay, I’m turning it back on you—your story. You came into the boat with the story that Gary is a party guy, and Gary’s gonna have parties in Gary’s suite. So what did you realize along the way?

Shteyngart: Yeah, it was like being an immigrant all over again. And, for me, assimilation into America was a very, very long process. So the meatball, or the lack of success of the meatball, really reminded me of that, too—like I’m always a step behind.

And this did feel like, Oh, I was always a step behind . People would have casual conversations in the elevators, just shooting the shit, and I would try to banter with them. But I would always get it a little bit wrong, and I would realize it, too. Like, there was a lot of wind one day, and I was like, Oof, the frost is really on the pumpkin .

Shteyngart: But I realized that that’s probably said in the fall, right? Before Thanksgiving. Is that right? The pumpkin is, you know—

Rosin: So Immigrant Gary comes roaring back in those moments.

Shteyngart: Oh, my god.

Rosin: You want to be, like, Sophisticated Writer Gary.

Shteyngart: Absolutely. So I was always sweating bullets. Like, I want to get into the conversation. And this was a big thing because there was a big contest, several contests—the semifinals or something? Quarterfinals? I don’t know—between the big teams. And I had no idea what the hell was going on, but everybody was talking about it. And everybody was wearing paraphernalia—that’s the other thing.

Rosin: Paraphernalia. ( Laughs. ) You’re referring to team T-shirts.

Shteyngart: But also everything! I don’t know. Name it: hats, T-shirts, all kinds of crap. And I had nothing. I had meatball, you know.

Shteyngart: Look, the preparation for this article should have—I should have bought T-shirts with sports.

Rosin: ( Laughs. ) T-shirts with sports.

Shteyngart: And then I should have talked to people about all the rules of football. Maybe there’s a documentary that I can watch, something like that. And then maybe that would have been it.

Rosin: Okay, so I’m reading this essay about this cruise ship, which has a little bit of politics, a little bit of cult, a little bit of status obsession. What am I understanding about America?

Shteyngart: Well, I think we are, in some ways, a country that has been losing religion for a while. I know this is a strange approach to it, but people are looking for something to fill the void. Especially, among the hardworking middle class I think is where you feel it quite a bit. And I think because Americans are never satisfied, everyone’s always looking for, What’s my ancestry? Where do I come from ? Somehow just the term American is not enough to fulfill people’s expectations of what life is.

Rosin: Of what they belong to. Like, what they’re rooted in. Yeah.

Shteyngart: And for me, this is an easier question because I actually just want to be an American. I’m an immigrant who just wants to be an American, right?

So, on this ship, what I was seeing was people desperately trying to belong to some kind of idea. And I feel like the cruising life, because these people are so obsessed with the cruises that they wear these—half the people or more were wearing T-shirts somehow commemorating this voyage on the first day of the cruise. So I think I really offended a religion. I insulted not just a strange hobby that people engage in, but a way of life.

And I think that’s the future. Trying to understand America today is to try to understand people desperately grasping for something in the absence of more traditional ideas of what it means to an American, right? And this is one strange manifestation of that. But it was, for me, an ultimately unfulfilling one.

You know, God bless David Foster Wallace for being brilliant enough to start the genre, although there were a couple pieces before him, but the modern incarnation of this. Let’s stop this. I did not solve the question of what America is. None of that got solved.

Rosin: So what are we R.I.P.ing? We’re not just R.I.P.ing the cruise ship piece? I just want to end the episode this way. R.I.P. what?

Shteyngart: No, no, no, no. I don’t have that kind of cultural might.

Rosin: This episode of Radio Atlantic was produced by Jinae West. It was edited by Claudine Ebeid, fact-checked by Isabel Cristo, and engineered by Rob Smierciak. Claudine Ebeid is the executive producer of Atlantic audio, and Andrea Valdez is our managing editor. I’m Hanna Rosin. Thank you for listening.

Rosin: But was there a monkey on the ship?

Shteyngart: No, there wasn’t. The monkey was on Saint Kitts.

Rosin: Oh, okay. I remembered that wrong.

Shteyngart: No, no, no. The Royal Caribbean did not spring for a monkey. They had a golden retriever, and he wore, like, a cap or something? But see, so everybody was going gaga, and I’m like, You’ve never seen a golden freaking retriever? What kind of lives do you live on land ?

Rosin: Right, right. But it’s an Icon golden retriever, so it’s different.

Shteyngart: It’s an Icon golden retriever, and he’s, like, I guess, an emotional support dog for these people.

U.S. tourist faces 12 years in prison after taking ammunition to Turks and Caicos

An Oklahoma man faces up to 12 years in prison on a Caribbean island after customs officials found ammunition in his luggage.

Ryan Watson traveled to Turks and Caicos with his wife, Valerie, to celebrate his 40th birthday on April 7. They went with two friends who had also turned 40.

The vacation came to an abrupt end when airport staff members found a zip-close bag containing bullets in the couple's carry-on luggage. Watson said it was hunting ammunition he had accidentally brought with him — but under a strict law in Turks and Caicos, a court may still impose a mandatory 12-year sentence.

"They were hunting ammunition rounds that I use for whitetail deer," Watson told NBC Boston in an interview conducted last week that aired after their first court appearance Tuesday.

"I recognized them, and I thought, 'Oh, man, what a bonehead mistake that I had no idea that those were in there,'" he said.

The couple were arrested and charged with possession of ammunition. Authorities seized their passports and explained the penalties they faced.

Valerie Watson said in the interview: "When I heard that, I immediately was terrified, because I was like we can't both be in prison for 12 years. We have kids at home, and this is such an innocent mistake."

The charges against her were dropped, and she returned home to Oklahoma City on Tuesday after the court hearing to be reunited with her two young children.

"Our goal is to get Ryan home, because we can’t be a family without Dad," she said.

The couple also spoke about the financial burden of a much longer-than-planned trip. "This is something that we may never recover from," Ryan Watson said.

The U.S. Embassy in the Bahamas issued a warning to travelers in September about a law that strongly prohibits possession of firearms or ammunition in Turks and Caicos, an overseas British territory southeast of the Bahamas that is a popular vacation spot.

It said: "We wish to remind all travelers that declaring a weapon in your luggage with an airline carrier does not grant permission to bring the weapon into TCI [Turks and Caicos Islands] and will result in your arrest."

The embassy added: "If you bring a firearm or ammunition into TCI, we will not be able to secure your release from custody."

The embassy and the government in Turks and Caicos did not immediately respond to requests for comment.

The same thing happened to another American, Bryan Hagerich, of Pennsylvania, who was arrested after ammunition was found in his luggage before he tried to board a flight out of Turks and Caicos in February. He said he accidentally left it in his bag.

Hagerich was on a family vacation with his wife and two young children but has now been in the country for 70 days. He spent eight days in prison before he posted bail.

"It’s incredibly scary. You know, you just don’t know what the next day may bring — you know, what path this may take," Hagerich told NBC Boston.

"You know, it’s certainly a lot different than packing your bags and going away with your family for a few days. It’s been the worst 70 days of my life," he said.

Hagerich, once a professional baseball player, was drafted by the Florida Marlins in the MLB 2007 June amateur draft from the University of Delaware.

His case goes to trial May 3.

Patrick Smith is a London-based editor and reporter for NBC News Digital.